What’s the difference between Superman and Super Delegate? The first one saves people from criminals, while the latter saves criminals from the people.
So I’m ordering a coffee… I tell the barista, French Roast, two sugars, no cream. The barista responds, I’m sorry sir we’re all out of cream, would you like your coffee without any milk instead?
I want a divorce A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, What are the grounds for your divorce? About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by. No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar, she responded. I mean, he continued, what are your relations like? I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents. The judge took a deep breath and asked, Do you have a real grudge? No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car. Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage? Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it. Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up? Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee. The judge asked, Is your husband a nagger? Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me! Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? Oh, I don’t want a divorce, she replied. I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.
What do you call the space between a Mormon’s butthole and balls? a Latter-day taint!
How does a coffee maker know it might be pregnant? It’s period is a little LATTE.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!
Life and Coffee I like my life like I like my coffee, as dark as it can possibly get.
Oh, wouldn’t I? A man was born into a very poor family. At a young age, it was discovered that his eye was in need of an operation and he would need a replacement. Of course, his family was much too poor for a glass one, so they had one carved from wood. As he grew older, he felt it was time to find a wife. Of course, he was quite self conscious of his eye, so this made things very difficult. One day, however, he saw a woman sitting on a bench alone. She was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. He wondered why she was sitting alone. That is, until he got closer and noticed that she had an abnormally long nose. *Oh well, it’s worth a shot,* he thought as he walked up to her. Confidently, he asked, Excuse me, Miss. Would you like to get some coffee with me? Elated, she responded, Oh, wouldn’t I! The man was taken aback. Who are you calling wooden eye, big nose?!
My relationships never worked, because I like my women how I like my coffee… I don’t like when my coffee fucks other people.
I’m starting a comedy troupe that wears masks and does improvised sketches in coffee shops It’s called Commedia de Lattè
A man goes to a coffee shop… A man goes into a coffee shop and orders a drink. After he sits down at a table, he notices a man across the shop. The other man lifts two fingers to his nose, sniffs, and then says Francine, Francine. The man thinks this is odd, but finishes his drink and goes along his way. The next day, the man goes to the coffee shop and sees the same man again. Once again, he lifts two fingers to his nose, sniffs, and says Francine, Francine. The first man is too curious, so he goes over to the other patron. Hi, I noticed you always sniff your finger and say a woman’s name…what are you doing? The second man says Oh. Everyday before I leave home, I finger my wife, so I have her scent on me all day. I like to smell it and think of her. And so, he demonstrates again. *sniff* Francine, Francine. The first man says, I’ll have to try that. The next day, the man comes back to the coffee shop and sees the other man. The second man once again sniffs his fingers, Francine, Francine, and then looks to the first man. The first man sniffs his entire fist and shouts MARIA!
A Man Orders A Cup Of Coffee At The Bar And Pays In Dimes A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, Can I help you, sir? The man answers, What does a cup of coffee cost in this place? The bartender says, That would be $2.60. Alright, I’ll have one, says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee. A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground. A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
The Devil’s in the details A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
Iced coffee? A man enters a cafe, sits at a table and asks for a frozen cup of coffee. The waiter, says there is none. The man gets up and leaves. The next day the man goes to the same cafe and orders a frozen cup of coffee. The waiter says there isn’t any so the man leaves. The man does this for the rest of the week till finally the cafe owner notices. So the cafe owner asks the waiter, Why has that man been coming in and leaving without eating or drinking anything? So the waiter tells him the story, Well you see, he comes in and asks for a frozen cup of coffee but we don’t have any so he just leaves. The owner tells the waiter to take a cup of coffee and stick it in the freezer so that when the man comes the next day he’ll get his frozen coffee. So the next day the man enters the cafe sits and orders a frozen cup of coffee. This time the waiter says the have frozen coffee! The man excitedly tells the waiter, Could you heat it up for me?
A man orders a coffee A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir? . The man answers What does a cup of coffee cost in this place? . The bartender says That would be $2.60 . Alright, I’ll have one. says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee. A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee. Edit: Grammar teehee! Edit 2: This got more attention then expected.. No karma for text post though!
Chuck the Mailman was retiring. Chuck the mailman, after 30 years on the same route, was retiring. On his last day, several customers on his route gave him gifts to celebrate his career. The Jones gave him a set of golf clubs, the Millers gave him a gift card for a nice restaurant. Finally he walked up to his last house. He was about to walk away when the door opened and he was greeted by a beautiful blonde in very revealing lingerie. Without a word she took his hand and led him up to her bedroom, and they proceeded to make passionate love unlike anything he had ever dreamed. She then left the room and returned with a large tray filled with a gourmet breakfast. Chuck was famished from their exertions and dug in. After a while he was satisfied like he had never been before, when he noticed a dollar bill tucked under the coffee cup. Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he addressed the girl. Listen, this has all been so great. Beyond my wildest dreams in every way, but I have to ask: after all this, what’s with the dollar? Well, said the blonde, last night I told my husband that Chuck the Mailman was retiring, and asked what we should give you. He said, ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar’. The breakfast was my idea.
I got caught in a bad snow storm. It was snowing so hard ii couldnt see so I got behind a snow plow for safety. After 3 hours it stops and the guy gets out, and comes to my door. He says I’m done with Wal-Mart. I’m getting a coffee before I plow Krogers. You want one?
Guy dies and goes to hell He’s greeted by the devil at intake and begins his orientation program. Satan tells him that there are three different programs he’s eligible for and he can choose the one in which he’ll spend eternity. He’s brought to area #1, where everyone is naked and the temperature is freezing. The guy says, I can’t stand the cold, can I see something else? . Satan says, no problem and brings him to area #2, where everyone is draped in furs they can’t remove and the temperature is over 100 degrees. The guy says, the only thing I like less than being cold all the time is being too hot so the devil says, no problem, almost everyone chooses area #3 anyway . So they head over to area #3 where the guy is surprised to see everyone standing around drinking coffee and talking. The temperature isn’t hot or cold, but just right. The only strange thing he sees is that everyone’s standing waist high in shit. The guy reasons, the temperature is perfect, and I love coffee. After a while, I bet I won’t even notice the smell of shit. I’m gonna go with #3, Satan . The devil says, good choice, enjoy your stay then turns around and screams, Alright assholes, coffee break’s over, on your heads! .
I cant stand this politically correct society much longer. I can’t even order coffee anymore. I used to go to the store and just say I’ll take my coffee black. Now I have to say I’ll take my coffee jeniqua.
What’s the difference between the armed forces and Comcast? Nobody ever says Thank you for your service to the latter.
In Russia I like my coffee the way I like my women…
A man is being interviewed for a government job… The man interviewing asks, have you ever been in any wars? The man applying says, yes I was in Iraq The other then asks, were you injured in any way? He replies, yeah I was actually near the site of an explosion and the shrapnel hit me in the groin, I lost both my testicles. The man interviewing says, oh wow thats really awful! Do you have any allergies we should know about? The man applying says, why yes actually I’m allergic to caffeine. Well , the man interviewing said, we like to hire you! Our normal business hours are 8-4 but you can come work 10-4. If you don’t mind me asking,why 10-4 instead of 8-4 like the others says the man applying. Well, the man interviewing replies, we usually drink coffeee and scratcch our balls the First2 hours of the day.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
A man goes to the doctors A man goes to the doctors, complaining about a pain in his eye. Man: Every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon first
A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight After he gives his speech he forgets to turn off the loudspeaker. He turns to the copilot and says, I’m gonna make myself a nice cup of coffee, drink it, and then fuck our head flight attendant Everybody in the cabin hear this and a pretty flight attendant runs to the **cockpit** to tell the pilot about his blunder. A little old lady in the front of the plane sees her and says. What’s the rush darling, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet!
A husband and wife are in the kitchen on a Sunday morning after a long night of arguing… While the husband gets about making a pot of coffee his wife is starting to make a pan of scrambled eggs. Her husband watches her quietly for a moment then exclaims suddenly, Turn them, it’s starting to burn! Oh, you left a shell over there, no there! What, you didn’t see that? His wife grumbles quietly to herself, not wanting to get into another argument, only to hear him start again. Please, no more salt! Are you trying to kill me?! Can you raise the heat, this is taking too long. No! Not that high, are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?! Finally having heard enough she yells back at him, OK, what the heck is your problem? I’m just cooking eggs. If you don’t like it, go do it yourself and don’t bother me! Calmly her husband replies, I just wanted you to understand how I feel driving you around in our car, that’s all. Now, perhaps you have some idea of what I have to put up with.
I ran over myself today… I got home from work and made a cup of coffee like usual and then found out we had no sugar. So I asked my wife if she would run over to the neighbor’s and grab a cup. She said she didn’t feel like it, so I ran over myself. -Shamelessly stolen from my boss
You must be single A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single. The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that? The drunk replied, ‘Cuz you’re ugly.
Blonde goes to the Doctor… A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, Ouch, that hurts! The doctor said, I know your problem. The blonde asked, Is it bad, doctor? The doctor replied, No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee.
What’s the difference between RPGs and Drunken Style Kung Fu? In the first, you must drink a lot of liquids before battle, but in the latter, you only pretend.
Wife came home 3 hours late from a party I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise . Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my huaband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict withe him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, Midnight … He didn’t seem pissed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why he replied, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said, ‘oh, shit’. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted .
What is the difference between a poker card and Africa? The sooner is the Ace of Spades and the latter, a Space of AIDS.
Two Blondes meet up for coffee… Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to. I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night , she said. Wow – I’ve never even met that many guys replied the other.
What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks? Astrology, cosmetology, and a pumpkin space latte
whats the difference between Cologne and cologne? The latter attracts women
White girl goes on a date with a black man They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, Show me it’s true what they say about black guys So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
Ass kissing level Pro.. on judgment day an angel is sorting people in two lines one for heaven one for hell. he looks at a man’s chart and tells him to stand in the line going towards heaven. a few minutes latter the angel notices the same man standing in the line for hell. he pulls him out and asks him: hey i told you to stand in line for heaven . No I want to stay in this line why? peering ahead the guy says shhhh the CEO is standing ahead .
In anticipation of docu-comedy film That Mennonite Joke, five menno jokes: 1) What do you get when you put four Mennonites in a car? Cousins. 2) Why do Mennonites have big noses? Because air is free. 3) What do you call a Mennonite coffee break? Menopause. 4) Why do Menno women wear long sleeves? They refuse to bare arms. 5) Why don’t Mennonites have sex standing up? It might lead to dancing.
Somebody called me pretentious today… I almost choked on my chai latte.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? HE drank coffee before it was cool, man
A blonde buys a thermos She brings it to work and shows it off to all of her friends. friend: What does it do? blonde: It keeps warm this warm and cold things cold. friend: What do you have in it right now? blonde: A cup of coffee and two popsicle!
Two girls and a mug. There were two girls – lovers – who were having a conversation in one of their homes. One of the girls was drinking coffee from a novelty mug shaped like a donkey. Now, during a particularly enthusiastic portion of the conversation, the other girl accidentally knocked the mug off the table. It hit the floor and cracked, but didn’t shatter. The girl who broke the mug went and found something to fix it with. Eventually, she came back, repaired mug in tow, and handed it back to her thankful partner. There you go, the former said. It’s your ass, whole. I glued the crack shut.
Cup of coffe Patient: I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee. Doctor: Try taking the spoon out.
A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off… Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is….. Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT’S BURNING!!! A ghostly silence reigned. He gets back on the microphone and says, I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants! One passenger shouts back, WHY DON’T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!
The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Saying the right thing, at the right time Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son… What happened last night? Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replies, Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, I’m married!! Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him ‘*Father*’. The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘*Your Grace*’. The third Catholic gent says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘*Your Eminence*’. The fourth Catholic man then says, My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘*Your Holiness*’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well….? She proudly replies, I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24 waist and 34 hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God.
The Horny Husband A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. How’d you get down here so fast? he asked. We were just making love! Oh my God, his wife gasped, That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile. Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, I haven’t spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn’t about to start now!
