Little Johnny and the drawing project One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided to pick Suzie first. I drew a box on the ground! Proclaimed little Suzie. http://imgur.com/PicyJVo The teacher said it was a great start, and asked the next student to add on. Ignoring little Johnny teacher chose Billy. I turned the box into a house! http://m.imgur.com/ZpuTHdE The teacher thought it was wonderful, and went on to Timmy. I added the sun to shine down onto the house! http://imgur.com/1xAiQfO Excellent replied teacher. Still ignoring Johnny the teacher chose Jenny next. I added some snow on the roof because it’s been such a snowy winter! http://imgur.com/ChHorXe By this point like Johnny could barely control himself. Teacher thought there was no way Johnny could ever turn this into a dirty picture, so he allowed him up to the chalk board. This is my dad bending over in the shower to pick up the soap!
Cheerios Little Johnny and Little Sammy were talking one night before bed. Little Johnny said to his brother, You know, I think were old enough to start swearing. His brother’s eyes got really big, and he said, Yeah! We should start swearing tomorrow! Okay, Little Johnny says, in the morning, I’ll start saying ‘hell.’ Okay, Little Sammy says, okay, I’ll say ‘damn.’ The next morning, they’re sitting at the kitchen table and their mother asks Little Sammy what he wants for breakfast. Little Sammy says, I think I’ll have some damn Cheerios. Their mother grabs Little Sammy, slings him over her knee, smacks him with her wooden spoon, and drags him down the hall to the bathroom to stick a bar of soap in his mouth. Red in the face and slightly out of breath, she storms back into the kitchen. Glaring at Little Johnny, she says, And what do YOU want for breakfast? Little Johnny, his eyes big as saucers, replies, I don’t know, but I sure as hell don’t want any Cheerios!
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, No honey for you for one month! Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. That’s it! No butter for you for one month! says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?
Plumber came to fix the faucet and grandma was reading the paper When little Johnny came from outside Granny : hey diploma, leave those muddy shoes outside Grandson : whatever! Later little Johnny went to kitchen Granny : Hey diploma, don’t scatter cereals on the floor Plumber : I couldn’t help noticing that you are calling your grandson diploma. Why is that? Granny : that’s his name Plumber : really? That’s one hell of a name Granny : yeah, nine years ago my daughter went to college to get a diploma and returned with him.
One day the teacher called on April while she was napping, Tell me, April, who created the universe? When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. GOD ALMIGHTY! shouted April and the teacher said, Very good and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, Who is our Lord and Saviour, But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST! shouted April and the teacher said, very good, and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE! The Teacher fainted.
The little green giant. In a small town there was a boy named johnny, who was 8 years old. Whenever he was by himself he would play with his wiener, tugging, and pulling on it just for fun. When his mother would see him doing this she would always tell him to quit playing with your little green giant . as the years went on he continued this, and every time his mother would mention that he shouldn’t be playing with his little green giant. One night johnny,s parents were going for dinner and had hired a baby sitter. she was told johnny could play in his room as long as she checked on him. the baby sitter told johnny he could go play and she watched TV. after a while she headed up the stairs to check on little johnny. She walked towards his room and noticed blood all over the floor of the hallway so she ran into his room yelling johnny johnny what happened? He looked at her and said..my little green giant spit at me so i bit it’s head off.
Little Johnny reads a Playboy (Joke about Women, don’t read if it will offend you) Little Johnny gets caught by his dad looking at a Playboy magazine under his covers. – His dad says son, what are you looking at that for? – Johnny replies, well I’m trying to figure out what a pussy is. – His dad circles the vagina and says that is the pussy son. – Johnny asks, well then what is the cunt? – His Dad says, *Everything* outside of the circle.
Little Johnny (x-post /r/AntiJokes) The Mailman saw Little Johnny on the side of the street with an old coffee can. Mailman: What have you got in that can there? Johnny: dogshit Mailman: what the fuck
One Day In Class… Little Johnny’s teacher told the students that they were going to be learning about the alphabet. Does anyone know a word that starts with the letter ‘A’? she asked. Immediately Little Johnny’s hand went up along with a few others. The teacher, knowing that Little Johnny has been known to use dirty language, decides to call on Susie instead. Apple! Susie exclaims. The teacher nods in approval and asks if anyone knows a word that starts with ‘B’. Again, Little Johnny’s hand shoots up. The teacher sees this but calls on Billy. Baseball. he says as the teacher nods with approval. It goes on like this for a little while longer until she gets to the letter ‘R’. By this time, Little Johnny figures that he isn’t going to get called on again and lazily puts his hand up. The teacher sees this and thinks to herself, I cant think of a bad word that starts with ‘R’. I think it’ll be safe to call on Little Johnny now . She asks Little Johnny is he knows a word and he says, Rat! A rat with a big fucking dick this big with his arms stretched straight out to his sides.
Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing Name That Animal…. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, What animal is this? A cat! said Suzy. Good job. Now, what’s this animal? A dog! said Ricky. Good. Now what animal is this? she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, It’s what your mom calls your dad. I know! called out Little Johnny. A horny bastard!
Little Johnny is out flying his plane in the yard… and he lands it and exclaims in his pilot voice, All you fucking people that want to get off, get off. All you fucking people that want to get on, get on. The plane then takes off again, and is making some laps around the yard. Little Johnny then lands the plane next to the kitchen window, which happens to be open where his mother is washing dishes. Little Johnny quickly exclaims after landing, All you fucking people that want to get off, get off. All you fucking people that want to get on, get on. At this point his mother goes running outside screaming, Johnny, you need a timeout for your language. After a half an hour Johnny’s mother told Johnny he could go back out and play, but he needed to be nicer to his passengers. He agreed and went outside. Johnny picked up the plane, took off flying and landed a short distance later. In a nice voice Johnny told his passengers, All of you nice people that want to get off, get off. All of you nice people that want to get on, get on. If anyone wants to bitch about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
Mr. Know it all Little Johnny asked his mom about her age. Johnny, gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question Johnny asks his mom about her weight. Johnny, gentlemen also don’t ask ladies about their weight So Little Johnny asks, Why did daddy leave you then? Johnny lets not talk about that. She then send Johnny to his room. On his way to his room he trips on his mom’s purse and there he finds her drivers license. He runs back to his mom and proudly says, Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an ‘F’ in sex!
Little Johnny So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is. She replies, okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it. But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. Blue. Nope. You got it wrong, she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear. Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money. She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!
Little Johnny is in the confessional booth… …and after he confessed a couple of sins, the priest asks him: Isn’t there anything else you want to confess, Johnny? Uhm, I don’t think so, no. The priest asks again: Are you sure, Johnny? Are you sure you haven’t done something like stealing money from the church? Little Johnny replies Sorry Father, I can’t hear you very well. What did you just say? The priest sighs and goes for it again: Johnny, I know you can hear me perfectly, and I know you stole money from the church. Why don’t you confess it was you? So, Little Johnny says again: Sorry Father, I can’t hear you! This confessional booth doesn’t work very well. The priest argues, There’s nothing wrong with this booth. I can hear you perfectly from this side. Until Johnny says, I swear I can’t hear you. Do you want to switch places and see it by yourself? So Little Johnny and the priest switch places in the confessional booth. As soon as they sit, Little Johnny asks the priest: So, Father, do you have any idea of who’s banging my mom while my dad’s at work? Holy Mother of God, it’s true, I can’t hear a damn thing!
Johnny Sees London, Johnny Sees France So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is. She replies, okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it. But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. Blue. Nope. You got it wrong, she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear. Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money. She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!
Little Johnny’s Flashcards One day in kindergarten little Johnny was taking his turn working with letters and pictures on flashcards. The teacher was holding up flash cards with a letter on them and a picture that started with that letter. She held up the first one for little Johnny and he said B, buh, bumble bee. Very good, the teacher said, before flipping to the next card. Johnny sat for a second before saying, Oh, easy. H, huh, house. The teacher congratulated Johnny again and flipped to another one. This one had little Johnny stumped. He took a good minute looking at the card before finally saying, okay, I got it. M, muh, mmmmRat. True story my Grandma was the teacher.
Kids at School A fifth grade teacher is teaching her class about problem solving. She asks the class what they would do if they had to carry two watermelons at the same time and didn’t have a bag. Little Johnny’s hand shoots up in the air, but the teacher calls on Mary instead. I would pick up one watermelon with my right hand and the other with my left hand, says Mary. Ok, but what if you had to carry three watermelons at the same time? asks the teacher. Little Johnny’s hand shoots up in the air again, but the teacher ignores him and calls on Timmy instead. I would carry the first watermelon in my right hand, the second in my left hand, and I would stick the third one on my dick, says Timmy. The teacher says, Timmy! That’s disgusting! Go to the principal’s office immediately! At this point little Johnny can’t handle it anymore so he exclaims, Ms. Logan, I know how to carry 5 watermelons at the same time! The teacher is intrigued so she says, Really? How would you do that? Little Johnny smiles and says, I would carry the first watermelon in my right hand, the second in my left hand, and I would stick Timmy on my dick!
A teacher asks her class, What do you want to be when you grow up? A teacher asks her class, What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Johnny says I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to fuck her three times a day . The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. And you, Susie? the teacher asks. Susie says I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.
The Pink Feather Once, before the age of the internet, there was a boy by the name of Johnny. He was about 7, and went to kindergarten. Every day, little Johnny would ride the bus to and from school. And boy, did he love riding the bus. You see, he shared the bus ride with his best friend and pseudo-mentor, Joe. Now Joe was a cool teenager; he was a high schooler, and even had a girlfriend! Joe was everything Johnny aspired to be and more. One morning, Johnny sat down on the bus and waited eagerly for Joe’s stop. As the bus slowed to a stop, Johnny got up on his knees in order to see Joe. Joe, cool as ever, waited with his hands in his pockets and leaning on a wall. He looked at Johnny as he entered the bus and Johnny saw that Joe wore the biggest smile on his face that Johnny had ever seen! So when Joe sat down, little Johnny asked Joe, Hey Joe, what happened to you? Why are you so happy? And Joe, he looked around to check if anyone was paying attention, got really close to Johnny, and whispered in his ear, I did something with my girlfriend last night for the first time. Johnny giggled and asked what it was. Joe looked around again, and, as if he were afraid to exclaim it, ripped out a small piece of paper and wrote, I gave my girlfriend the Pink Feather! before letting Johnny read it and swallowing it to destroy the evidence. Now Johnny was just a kid; he didn’t know what the Pink Feather was, so he shyly voiced his innocent question, Joe, what’s the Pink Feather? And little Johnny was met with the coldest, emotionless gaze from Joe which Johnny could feel piercing his soul. Joe told Johnny, Look Johnny, I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t hang out with a kid so ignorant. As of right now, you’re dead to me. We’re never talking again. And Johnny froze. Was this some sort of joke? Did Joe really mean they wouldn’t be friends anymore? Was this all because of that Pink Feather? They sat in silence until the bus stopped in front of the elementary school. Johnny had to climb over Joe, who wouldn’t even make eye contact with the poor kid. B-bye Joe.. See you after school, ok? At school, Johnny eventually came to the conclusion that there’d be no way that Joe would stop being his friend over something so silly. He’d either get over it, or reveal the cruel joke after a few days. So that afternoon, Johnny waited for Joe on the bus. Joe sat far away from Johnny, not even casting a glance in his direction. It hurt, but Johnny knew it’d be ok soon enough. A few days went by without any contact between the two. Eventually Joe stopped taking the bus altogether. He probably got a ride from one of his high school friends. That day at school, Johnny was visibly distraught. The weight of losing his best friend came crashing down on him, and he couldn’t bear the pain anymore. Johnny cried and cried, and a teacher had to pull him outside to ask what was wrong. He whined, Muh-my friend Joe.. He.. He said he wouldn’t be my friend no more! The teacher crouched down to get at eye level and asked him, Why’s that Johnny? I couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to be friends with such a polite kid as you! And Johnny said, because.. I.. I didn’t know what the Pink Feather was! And his teacher stood straight up. She was disgusted with Johnny and sent him to the Principal’s Office without another word. He waited for hours, saw his teacher come by after class and leave, giving him a dirty look, and Johnny waited some more. Eventually his parents came by to pick him up! They sat with Johnny, and his father told him, you are in a lot of trouble young man! Just wait until the principal tells us what you did! After what felt like an eternity, Johnny and his parents were called into the office where the principal told them that Johnny had a foul mouth, but the teacher refused to repeat what Johnny said. They asked Johnny to repeat it and Johnny slowly said, I just said that, because of the Pink Feather, Jo- Johnny was interrupted twofold when his mother started bawling, and when his father immediately covered Johnny’s mouth and gave him a few spankings right there in the principal’s office. The principal exclaimed, we don’t tolerate this kind of behavior here. Get that child out of here and don’t bring him back! I’ll make sure no school in the state will school him! So Johnny went home and was sent straight into his room. He heard his parents scream at each other for a long time, and heard his name quite a bit as well as a lot of words he didn’t recognize. Johnny was scared to death and could barely sleep at all that night. The following morning, Johnny’s father woke him up with a bucket of ice water and immediately started to explain, Johnny, your mother and I have had a long discussion and she can’t handle having raised a monster such as you. So we’re sending you to a therapeutic boarding school until you’re ready to live by yourself. This is goodbye Johnny; we have a driver outside waiting to take you away. So little 7-year-old Johnny had to say good-bye to his father for good (his mother wouldn’t see him out), and move to a boarding school. It was at this point that Johnny vowed never to mention the Pink Feather ever again. So he went through school, living with troubled kids, and eventually received a GED without any more trouble from the Pink Feather. He even made it into college! Without a place to go home to, Johnny moved into the dorms and met his roommate, Steve. Steve was a pretty friendly, but quiet guy, and they both got along great. In fact, they shortly became best friends. They were inseparable all throughout their undergrad years, and Johnny even came to Steve’s home for holidays and vacations. They both decided to continue their education and receive a PhD, so they stayed close friends for many more years. One day, Steve decided to ask Johnny a question that had been pressing at his mind (and that Johnny avoided) for a long time, Johnny. Why don’t you have friends from your childhood? Why don’t you ever go home to visit your parents? Johnny sighed, took a good moment to muster up the courage, and Steve continued, Johnny, we’ve been best friends for almost 10 years now. You can tell me anything. With this, Johnny was satisfied that he could share his deepest darkest secret with Steve. When I was a child, I was kicked out of public school and disowned by my parents because I talked about the Pink Feather. And I don’t even know what it is! Steve was packed up and out of the dorm within the week. Johnny, exasperated, went for a good long walk around town to gather his thoughts. *I lost my bests friends in the world. My family. My home. Everything. And it’s all because I don’t even know what the darned Pink Fea-* BAM. Johnny was so deep in thought, he wasn’t paying attention to his path and got hit by a bus.
Tragedy Enda kenny was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Kenny if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So, Irelands illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’ . A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Incorrect,’ said Kenny ‘That would be an accident.’ A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not’, explained Kenny ‘that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Kenny searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane carrying you,and Joan Burton was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Fantastic’ exclaimed Kenny , ‘and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either!
The Mouse Little Johnny walks into his dad’s bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously, What are you doing, Dad? His father quickly replies, I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed. Little Johnny replies, What are you gonna do — screw him?
Little April… Little Johnny jokes Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, April, who created the universe? When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. GOD ALMIGHTY! shouted April and the teacher said, Very good and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, Who is our Lord and Saviour, But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. JESUS CHRIST! shouted April and the teacher said, very good, and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!
A Teacher tries to get her students to stop counting on their fingers The teacher calls on little Johnny. Alright Johnny, put your hands in your pockets. Now, what’s 6 plus 4? Johnny thinks, looks up to the ceiling, Eleven!
Green Thumb Little Johnny was outside with his father one day and had noticed how great the neighbors garden looks. Little Johnny’s dad says to him Our neighbor has a green thumb Little Johnny was curious so went in for a closer look. When he came back to tell his father that his thumb wasn’t green, his father replied: I didn’t mean his thumb was actually green… it’s like when someone says they caught someone red handed… there hands arnt actually red… the’re black…
Little Johnny was at school one day… Little Johnny was at school and the teacher was asking all the children to use different words in sentences. She asked who can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Roger raises his hand and says the sky is fascinating. Good try roger, but I am asking for you to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Missy raises her hand and says I am fascinated with this class. The teacher says Close Missy, but I asked you to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Then little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher calls on him. Little Johnny: My sister got a new blouse this weekend with 10 buttons but her tits are so big she could only fascinate.
Mrs. Anderson is teaching English… when little Johnny interrupts class and say Mrs. Anderson, I gotta go take a piss . Mrs. Anderson replies Now, Johnny. You know that is a bad word. We use the term ‘urinate’ and you will just have to hold it until you are able to properly ask permission. Johnny thinks for a second, then raises his hand. When called he replies Well Mrs. Anderson, you’re an eight, but if your tits were a bit bigger, you’d be a ten.
Little Johnny’s Teacher Gives the Class a Mother’s Day Assignment They were studying the meaning of various phrases. The teacher goes on to explain the meaning of the sentence * We only have one mother. * Okay, Little Peter, give me a brief narration that includes the phrase * we only have one mother. * Little Peter starts: I was sick in bed with a high fever, and then comes my mom, gives me a glass of warm milk with some aspirin, kisses me in the forehead and I thought * We only have one mother. * Good job, your turn little Susan. Little Susan begins: On Sunday, mom took me to the beach, played with me, and we built a sand castle together, and I thought * We only have one mother * Excellent, your turn Little Johnny: I was alone at home, *like always*, when my mom gets home drunk, *like always*, accompanied by a different lover, *like always*, and yells: Hey boy! Get us a couple of beers! So I go and open the fridge, look at her and say: * We only have one, mother! *
A science experiment. In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of whisky. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in whisky —dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke — dead. The third worm in soil — alive!! So the science teacher asked the class — What can you learn from this experiment? Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. As long as you drink and smoke , you won’t have worms inside you.
History Class The teacher said, Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’ he said. ‘Very good!’ Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’ Again, no response except from Little Johnny, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’. The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.’ She heard a loud whisper: ‘Screw the Indians,’ ‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Little Johnny put his hand up, ‘General Custer, 1862.’ At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’ The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right!!! Now who said that!?’ Again, Little Johnny says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’ Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’ Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997! Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’ Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.’ The teacher fainted And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’ Little Johnny said quietly, The American people, November 4, 2008
How The Government Works One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that’s their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father. Well, Dad says, Think of it this way. I’m the president, Mom is the Congress, our maid is the work force, and your little brother is the rest of the citizens in the United States. I don’t think I get it, says Little Johnny, thinking about this observation. Why don’t you sleep on it, then? Dad says. Little Johnny nods his little curious head, wishes Dad goodnight, and heads to bed. Around 1:00 A.M., Little Johnny hears a lamp fall over. Unable to sleep from the frighteningly sudden noise, he goes to his little brother’s room to see what’s going on. The small child is lying in his crib, and apparently, he knocked over a lamp, which was shattered all over the floor. Oh dear, says Little Johnny, when he sees that his little brother crapped his diaper. He decides to go get Dad. Little Johnny runs to his parents’ large bedroom. He creaks open the door, and sees Mom sleeping, but no Dad! Little Johnny exits to find Dad, searching more of his large house. Eventually, he makes it to their maid’s bedroom. Looking through the keyhole, he sees Dad doing the maid. She seems to enjoy it. Little Johnny jumps into the air in delight. Now I get it, he yells happily, So the Congress is asleep, the President is screwing the Work Force, AND THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES ARE FULL OF SH*T!!
Little Johnny parents… … were getting ready to have some private time with each other. Little Johnny’s mom was in the bathroom putting on something more comfortable while his dad was sitting on the edge of the bed putting on a condom. Suddenly, Little Johnny walks into the room. His dad quickly bends over in order to hide his erect johnson and pretends to be peering under the bed. Say, Little Johnny, did you see a rat? I think I saw a rat go under the bed and I’m trying to catch it Why? , Little Johnny replied. Whatcha tryna do, fuck it?
Little Johnny went to the front of the class for show and tell today on the way to school I saw a dog fall right on a stick and the stick went right up his ass said little Johnny. Little Johnny the word is rectum the teacher scolded. Little Johnny replied rectum nothing it fucking killed him!
Grandad what’s a cunt? One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, Grandad, what’s a cunt? The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing. You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny? Yes. Well the person who put them there is a cunt.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses when… She started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up! After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny? No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
Adam and Eve Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty! shouted Mary, and the teacher said, Very good, and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, Who is our Lord and Savior, but Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. Jesus Christ! shouted Mary, and the teacher said, Very good, and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell. First up was Mary. My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper. A paratrooper? Asked the teacher, who was awed. Yes, please look closer — you can see his jump badge. Second was Joe. My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor. A doctor? Asked the teacher, who was moved. Yeah, see? That’s a stethoscope hanging around her neck. Third was little Johnny, This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician. An electrician? Asked the teacher, who was perplexed. Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet
If you could be any organ in the body, which one would you choose and why? (OC) Little Johnny was in class and his teacher was teaching them about the human body, including all of the major organs- where they are, what they do, and so on. She posed a question to the class: If you could be any organ in the body, which one would you choose and why? Children raised their hands, stating obvious responses such as brain, because it’s in charge and heart, because it powers the body. Little Johnny’s hand shot up, and his teacher called on him. Yes Johnny, which organ would you be? Well Ms., I know which organ I WOULDN’T want to be, Johnny said. Oh? Which one and why? The teacher asked. He answered, I wouldn’t want to be the large intestine. You live next to an asshole, and everyone thinks you’re full of shit!
Good manners During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite’ What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
Well, Bad Hint Teacher, Bad Hint! Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, What animal is this? A cat! said Suzy. Good job. Now, what’s this animal? A dog! said Ricky. Good. Now what animal is this? she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, It’s what your mom calls your dad. I know! called out Little Johnny. A horny bastard!
Surprising the Cows One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by little Johnny who has run in out of breath to shout, Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f***ing the cow! Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. You should have said, The bull is surprising the cow’ or the bull is servicing the cow, not some filth you picked up at school, he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes in excited again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows! The adults share a knowing grin and Uncle John says, Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ‘surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know. Yes he can! replies his obstinate nephew, He’s f***ing the horse!
Little April Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, April, who created the universe? When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. GOD ALMIGHTY! shouted April and the teacher said, Very good and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, Who is our Lord and Saviour, But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. JESUS CHRIST! shouted April and the teacher said, very good, and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!
Grandma’s beaver Little Johnny was playing in the mud in the backyard at his grandma’s house. Grandma calls little Johnny in to take a shower with her to clean up. While in the shower with grandma, little Johnny notices that her private parts are different. Johnny asks her what hers is. Grandma says that it is her beaver. Later in the week Johnny is at home playing in the mud again. This time mom calls him in to shower. He is in the shower and staring at mom’s private parts. Mom says little Johnny, girls and boys have different parts. Little Johnny says I know, grandma told me that girls’ parts are called beavers. But mom, I think grandma’s beaver is dead because it’s tongue is sticking out.
The Prime Minister visits a school The Prime Minister was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked The Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, ‘If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Incorrect,’ said The Prime Minister, ‘That would merely be an accident.’ A little girl stood up and said ‘If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not’, said The Prime Minister, ‘That’s what we would call a great loss’. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. The Prime Minister searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, ‘If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed The Prime Minister, ‘And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well,’ said little Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either.
A teacher asks her students a math question. Class, there are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter comes along and shoots one off. How many are left? Little Johnny raises his hand and says, None. No, she says, listen closely. There are THREE birds on a wire. A hunter shoots off ONE. How many are left? Again, little Johnny replies, None. The teacher asks little Johnny to explain himself. He says, Well, if a hunter shot one of the birds, the other two would fly away. Smiling, the teacher says, Well, that’s not the answer I was looking for in the context of a math question, Johnny, but I like the way you think. Johnny asks if he can ask the teacher a question, and she says, Sure. So Johnny asks, There are three women sitting on a park bench, and they all have popsicles. One of them is licking the popsicle, one is sucking on the popsicle, and the third one is biting it. Which one of them is married? The teacher thinks about it, and replies, Well, I’m going to guess that it’s the one that is biting the popsicle. Johnny says, Well, no, it’s the one with a wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.
Little Johnny at School The teacher asked the question Who was the first to fly over the Atlantic ocean non stop? Little Johnny replied Sammy Davis Junior Teacher said No, it was Allcock and Brown Little Johnny said That’s what I said, Sammy Davis Junior
Little Johnny praying.. The neighbours had come over for dinner at Little Johnny’s place. As they sat down for dinner, father asked Little Johnny to do the prayers. Johnny replied, But dad, I’m scared. His Dad told him to just be honest and say what he felt best. So as everyone joined hands, Johnny began: Dear Lord, thank you for bringing the kid who ate my cookies. Please bless them him with food so that he doesn’t take mine. Also forgive his elder brother who undressed my sister and started wrestling with her. I’m sure he won’t do that again. Speaking of clothes, I want you to bless all the naked women on my dad’s phone with clothes. Seriously, they need it. And lastly, I want you to provide shelter to the homeless man who sleeps with my mom when dad goes to work. Thank you. No one had dinner that day.
One evening a man brings home some deer meat his buddy at work gave him. He asks his wife to cook it for dinner, but tells her don’t tell the kids what it is or they won’t eat it. So she cooks it, and calls the kids to dinner. So they’re at the table eating, and little Johnny says this meat tastes funny. Mom replies well it’s not beef, it’s actually something I call your dad sometimes. Then little Sally yells SPIT IT OUT JOHNNY, IT’S AN ASSHOLE!!!
The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that’s exciting… All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down. The teacher says Johnny, there’s nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement? Johnny replies That’s not a dot, it’s a period, and my sister just missed hers, and it’s causing a lot of excitement at our house!
What is government? asked little Johnny from his father. A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future. I still don’t get it responded the Little Johnny. Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better, said the dad. Okay then…good night said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!
Can your penis reach your asshole? One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes? His grandpa replied, Can your penis reach your asshole? No , said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, Then you’re not old enough. The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer? His grandpa replied, Can your penis reach your asshole? No said Little Johhny. Then you’re not old enough. his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, Can I have some of your cookies? Little Johnny replied, Can your penis reach your asshole? His grandpa replied, It most certainly can! Little Johnny replied, Then go f*ck yourself.
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