A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of money on the counter. He asks the bartender, Hey barkeep. What’s up with the jar of money? The bartender replies, Well you see, I’ve got this horse in the back. And ever since I bought it the damn thing has been so depressed I can’t get it to do anything! It won’t eat, it won’t sleep, I’m clueless! The jar of money is for whoever can cheer up the damn horse! The man says, gimme a try. He walks back into the stable and within seconds he returns. The bartender checks on the horse and it can’t stop laughing! It’s neighing and bouncing around and completely cheered up. The bartender says Alright man, you earned it. The jar is yours. A week later the same man returns to find another jar of money. He asks, What’s up barkeep? Is your horse down in the dumps again? The bartender looks up and replies rather aggressively, No, actually ever since you left I can’t get the damn thing to shut up! I can’t sleep at night, it’s driving me mad! This time the jar is for whoever can shut it the hell up! The man says let me give it another go and heads to the back. Just like last time, he returns seconds later. The bartender checks on the horse and it’s just standing there silently. Completely stoic. Not making any indications it’s even alive. The man says, Alright bub, I’ll give you the money, but you have to tell me just how you did it. The man laughingly replies, Well. To get the horse to start laughing I told it I have a bigger dick than he does. To get the horse to stop laughing… I proved it.
What is Superman’s greatest weakness? A bucking horse.
I never take risk while drinking It’s long but read it .. This one is hilarious.. I never take risk while drinking When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen I stealthily enter the house Take out the bottle from my black cupboard Mona Lisa is looking at me from the photo frame But still no one is aware of it Becoz I never take a risk I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink Quickly enjoy one shot Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard Mona Lisa is giving a smile I peep into the kitchen Wife is cutting potatoes No one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I to my wife : Any news on Smith’s daughter’s marriage Wife : Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle I take out the glass from the old rack above sink Quickly enjoy one shot Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I to Wife : But still I think Smith’s daughter’s age is not that much Wife: What are you saying? She is 36 yrs old… like an aged horse I: (I forgot her age is 36) Oh Oh… I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one shot in the sink Mona Lisa laughs loudly I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Mona Lisa’s photo & keep it in the black cupboard Wife is keeping the sink on the stove But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I to Wife: (getting angry) you call Mr. Smith a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue…! Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly… I take out the bottle from the potatoes Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a shot Wash the sink and keep it over the rack Wife is giving a smile Mona Lisa is still cooking but still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I to Wife : (laughing) So Smith is marrying a horse!! Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face… I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack Stove is also on the rack There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside I peep and see that wife is enjoying a shot in the sink But none of the horses are aware of what I did Becoz Mona Lisa never takes a risk Smith is still cooking And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing Becoz you know I never take a potato Cheers
Three men are talking about their wives… There are three men sat around a table in a bar. The first man says, I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom – we’ve not had any work done on the house, and I can’t think of any other way they could have got there The second man says, I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in the laundry basket, and we’ve not had any renovations to the house for years… The third man says, I’m in the same boat, but I don’t think you two have it as bad. My wife is having an affair with a horse! When I got home last night I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe.
You don’t know Jack… Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt. Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt.
Ruddy the Rooster This is a story about Ruddy the Rooster. A rooster who would fuck anything. Cows, Pigs, horses even the old farmers daughter. The Old Farmer loved Ruddy and would often tell him to stop fucking everything on the farm or he will end up dead. Ruddy would never listen and would always leave to find something to bang. One day the Old Farmer was driving his tractor and noticed Ruddy laying in the field looking dead. He stopped the tractor and walked over to Ruddy’s body as vultures were circling the lifeless body and removed his cap saying I told you old boy. You would end up fucking yourself to death . Ruddy opened one eye and pointed towards the sky Shhhh he said, they are about to land . Edit: She for Shhh
When a Dutch reporter asked Arjen Robben what he was going to do after the world cup, he told him; I’m going diving in Mexico. This is a story about Ruddy the Rooster. A rooster who would fuck anything. Cows, Pigs, horses even the old farmers daughter. The Old Farmer loved Ruddy and would often tell him to stop fucking everything on the farm or he will end up dead. Ruddy would never listen and would always leave to find something to bang. One day the Old Farmer was driving his tractor and noticed Ruddy laying in the field looking dead. He stopped the tractor and walked over to Ruddy’s body as vultures were circling the lifeless body and removed his cap saying I told you old boy. You would end up fucking yourself to death . Ruddy opened one eye and pointed towards the sky Shhhh he said, they are about to land . Edit: She for Shhh
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse… He says, I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh. A man yells, I’ll take that bet, and leads the horse into the men’s room. After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, OK, I’ll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry. The man shouts, You’re on! After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, How did you do it? The man replies, I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him.
Ron, an elderly man in Florida… Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn’t been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, We’re not coming out until you leave! Ron frowned, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked. Rob held the bucket up high and said, I’m here to feed the alligator.
How much power does it take to move a tank? A horse
Did you hear about the two horses? They were in a stable relationship… …but one of them had an extra mareital affair.
Longest joke I know… A young man meets a beautiful girl and asks her out on a date. He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go. So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus. She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since she was a child. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown notices the young man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over. As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says: Hey mister, are you the horse’s head? And the young man replies Well no So the head clown says, Well that must make you the horse’s ass! The whole tent erupts with laughter at the young man, who is absolutely humiliated. Even his date is laughing. He tries to hide his anger, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But he spends the rest of the evening fuming over the joke. He barely even notices that his date kisses him good night when he drops her off. That night, the young man is unable to sleep. Lying in bed, he can think of nothing other than the clown. Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he stand up for himself? He has no answers, and finally falls asleep, dreaming of destroying the clown. The next morning, the young man wakes up with a deep sense of purpose. Never in his life has he felt such drive. He will dedicate his life to getting back at the clown. He heads out the door, and immediately enrolls in university, majoring in Comebackology. The young man gives his classes everything he’s got. He quickly rises to the top of his class, a star pupil. He wows his professors during finals, and is even crowned Valedictorian upon graduation, receiving his Bachelor of Science in Comebackology. But he doesn’t feel ready. So he redoubles his efforts, and goes back to school, continuing to impress the faculty. After an amazingly quick year, he is awarded his Master’s Degree in Comebackology, the fastest it has ever been awarded. But still, he believes that he needs to become the greatest Comeback master who ever lived before he gets his revenge. So he continues his education, writing his PhD thesis on the Ambiguities of the modern riposte: Is brevity still the soul of wit? His professors are dumbfounded by the brilliance of the paper. He is lauded throughout the country as one of the preeminent Comebackologists, even asked to be on talk shows. The fame is staggering. But the boy, now a man, doesn’t feel as though he is ready. He still seethes inside at the humiliation the clown dealt him. Nothing but the absolute verbal destruction of the clown will pacify him. So he leaves the country, and begins studying with old Comeback masters around the world. But at each and every stop, he finds that he has surpassed them all. They have nothing left to teach him. But there are rumors of the greatest Comeback master alive, hidden away in the mountains of Nepal. For years the man searches him out, following clues and half remembered stories. His perseverance pays off, however, and he finds himself, exhausted and nearly dead, at the entrance to a great wooden temple built into a mountain. He is welcomed inside by the master himself, who had known that this day would come. The master is elated that a student worthy of his teachings has finally found him. The two become fast friends, working together day and night, meditating on the most ethereal of comebacks, the God Comebacks. 15 years the man spends there, until finally the master dies, happily bequeathing his title to his only pupil. The man takes one final look at his old master, then squaring his shoulders, heads out the door and down the mountain. He is finally ready. The man goes back home, welcomed by family and friends, who had long believed him dead. He calls up the same young lady he had taken out all those years before, and incredibly, she is still single, and willing to go out again. So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus. She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since her first date with the man. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he again managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown, still the same man, after all of these years, recognizes the man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over. As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says: Hey mister, are you the horse’s head? And the young man replies Well no So the head clown says, Well that must make you the horse’s ass! The whole tent erupts with laughter at the man. Even his date is laughing. But he is unruffled. He stands up, looks at the clown, waits for the laughter to die down and says: Hey clown Fuck you!
A guy sees a sign that reads, help stop my horse from crying. $500.00 . The guy whispers in the horses ear and the horse begins to laugh non-stop. Farmer pays him his money and away he goes. A year later he sees the sign and it reads, make my horse stop laughing, $1,000.00 . So the guy goes behind the barn and the horse starts crying again. The farmer divvies out the funds and says, I gotta know, what did you do? The guy says, well when he was crying I told him my dick was bigger than his and when he wouldn’t stop laughing, I showed him !
I like my women exactly how I like my pet. I like both to be horse!
What do you call a centaur that can’t get a blow job The headless horseman
I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine. His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine. Paddy says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. No, I’m serious, Paddy says. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.
Favourite football/soccer teams What’s an arthroplasty surgeon’s favourite football team? Ipswich Town What’s a jockey’s favourite football team? Derby What’s a detective’s favourite football team? Leads United What’s a fossil’s favourite football team? S’underland What’s a stale meat’s favourite football team? Oldham What’s a fit, balding person’s favourite football team? Wigan Athletic What’s a pirate’s favourite football team? Loot-on (Luton) Town
The Horse and the stream joke. I found this joke in an old jokebook. A man is on his way to buy a horse from the local market. Whilst on his journey, he has to walk over a large hill. When he gets to the marketplace, there is a fine looking mare that’s on sale for dirt cheap. The man points to the horse and asks if he can buy it. Before accepting his offer, the owner asked the man, What route did you take to get here? The one with the big hill responds the man. Well, I wouldn’t take that route back if I was you. There is something funny with this horse. Whenever he’s on top of a large hill, he will just sit there and it’s impossible to move him. If yer gonna buy him, I’d take a different road home . The man buys the horse and thanks the owner. Heeding his advice, he takes a detour home through the woods. All is going well and the horse rides a dream. However, they get to a shallow stream and in the middle of crossing the stream, the horse stops and sits down, refusing to budge. The man tries everything he can to get the horse to move but to no avail. Puzzled, the man walks back to the marketplace where he bought the horse and quizzes the owner: That horse I bought, well I was riding it through the woods and all was going fine until we got to this stream and whilst crossing it, the horse just sat down and now it won’t budge. Do you know why? Well the owner responds, there’s something I forgot to mention; he sits on fish as well.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender, confusing idioms with jokes, offers the horse water but cannot make it drink.
The jar on the bar. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a big pickle jar full of $10 bills and asks the bartender what’s with the jar? The bartender points out the window and says you see that horse in the pen? If you can make him laugh, you get all the money in the jar. The man slammed his drink, threw a $10 in the jar, and walked out to the horse. He looked around and whispered in the horses ear. Almost immediately the hose began laughing hysterically! The man walked back in, tucked the jar under his arm, and walked out. A month later the man returned to the bar for a drink. He sits down and sees a big pickle jar full of $20s this time. He asks the bartender about the jar and the bartender replies ok, smart ass. If you make the horse laugh AND cry this time, you get the money. The man slammed his drink, threw a $20 in the jar, and walked out to the horse. Again he looked around and whispered in the horses ear and, again, the horse lost it. Then the man faced the horse and it erupted into a terrible, tearful sob. The man walked back in for his jar and was stopped by the bartender demanding an explanation. Well the man said first, I told him I had a bigger dick….then I proved it.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a big pickle jar full of $10 bills and asks the bartender what’s with the jar? The bartender points out the window and says you see that horse in the pen? If you can make him laugh, you get all the money in the jar. The man slammed his drink, threw a $10 in the jar, and walked out to the horse. He looked around and whispered in the horses ear. Almost immediately the hose began laughing hysterically! The man walked back in, tucked the jar under his arm, and walked out. A month later the man returned to the bar for a drink. He sits down and sees a big pickle jar full of $20s this time. He asks the bartender about the jar and the bartender replies ok, smart ass. If you make the horse laugh AND cry this time, you get the money. The man slammed his drink, threw a $20 in the jar, and walked out to the horse. Again he looked around and whispered in the horses ear and, again, the horse lost it. Then the man faced the horse and it erupted into a terrible, tearful sob. The man walked back in for his jar and was stopped by the bartender demanding an explanation. Well the man said first, I told him I had a bigger dick….then I proved it.
The driest, most esoteric joke I know. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it’s an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don’t think I am ~~ I think not! POOF! The horse disappears. This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Has legs, but don’t walk… has feathers but it is not a chicken… What it is? A dead horse with a duster in his ass
An old Indian living in a tent…. An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him Old Indian, what’s your name? The old Indian says Bowels . Construction workers say Well, you’re going to have to move. We’re building something here and you’re in the way. Old Indian says Bowels no move. The construction workers take pity on him and give the old Indian directions to a lawyer’s office downtown so he can fight his case. The old Indian follows their directions and arrives at a large office building. He goes inside, down a hallway, and turns left into a doctor’s office, instead of turning right into the lawyer’s office. The old Indian waits until he is called back. The doctor asks him Old Indian, what seems to be the trouble today? Old Indian says Bowels no move. The doctor looks him over for a minute, hands him a bottle of pills, and says OK, take 3 of these pills a day, and call me back in 3 days. The old Indian takes the pills and leaves. Three days later the old Indian comes back. Doctor asks How are you doing? Old Indian says Bowels no move. The doctor is puzzled. He looks the old Indian over some more, grabs a larger bottle of pills, and says Take 4 of these a day, and come back in 4 days . Old Indian takes the pills and leaves. Four days later the old Indian comes back. Doctor asks him Old Indian, how are you doing today? Old Indian says Bowels STILL no move. Doctor is really confused at this point. He reaches for a giant bottle of horse pills, hands them to the old Indian, and says Take 5 of these a day, and come back here in a week. A week passes and the doctor sees no sign of the old Indian. Weeks later the doctor is walking from his office, down the street, when he sees the old Indian huddled over a barrel fire, warming his hands. The doctor walks up to him and asks Hey old Indian, how did everything turn out? Old Indian says Bowels have to move. Teepee too full of shit.
A woman by the name of Anne Boleyn runs a porn site. Anne has been in the porn industry for well over a decade and is well-respected amongst her peers as a shrewd businesswoman. She has gone from being a production assistant to being a social media PR rep to being a director to owning her very own business. Her website caters to certain bizarre fetishes that many normal people would find repulsive, but despite the niche appeal, she pulls in a lot of money. And money is what matters to Anne Boleyn. Anne is married to man named Henry, fittingly enough. Henry is an infamous shock artist who inserts offensive images into things as a method of protest. For instance, he once stenciled a giant image of an oil-covered seal on the corporate offices of ExxonMobil. In another incident he hijacked a rightwing radio show’s broadcasting frequency to play 10 hours of uninterrupted farting noises. A commentator once described him as Friedrich Engels with the mind of Howard Stern. Henry considers himself a radical champion of free speech. His art collective, named — fittingly enough! — The Church of England has attracted many followers, and he revels in his reputation as the art world’s bad boy. You would therefore think Henry is the perfect match for Anne, since both of them are the sort who enjoy catering to fringe elements at the limits of free expression. But there’s trouble in paradise: Henry is an avowed and vehement opponent of the porn industry, which he believes is one of modern humanity’s most degrading forces. In fact, Henry met his future wife at the AVN Awards ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada, where he dumped 100 gallons of horse urine on the stage while Anne was presenting the award for Best Painal Scene. Love blossomed in spite of, or perhaps because of, the friction between Anne and Henry. Their conversations have always become arguments; and their arguments are always frustratingly byzantine — abstract, ideological, and at the same time viciously personal. They can agree on nothing, from the true purpose of art in human culture to what restaurant they should order Chinese takeout from. But these long evenings of arguing always end in bouts of grunting, banshee-wailing, Earth-shattering sex that no man, woman, or beast could ever possibly surpass. They love, and they bicker, and they love to bicker. At first the two tried to keep the relationship secret, but when word of the marriage inevitably spread, Henry’s art collective decried him for selling out and betraying the cause. The Church of England abandoned him, turning to a new leader: an anonymous graffiti artist who paints advice animals on national monuments, and who is known only by his alias Danksy. By now, Henry is considered a washed-up hack, and his work isn’t taken seriously. Anne’s colleagues reacted with similar hostility when they learned of the marriage, banning her and her new husband from industry events, stonewalling her whenever she scouted for new talent. Since then, Anne’s website has suffered a preciptious downturn in new content, and with it a precipitous downturn in subscribers. Now, she finds herself on the point of bankruptcy. It’s at this point that you might expect Anne and Henry to circle their wagons — to support one another through such trying times. You can imagine Anne’s shock, then, when she receives a phone call from her web admin one evening telling her that the site has been hacked. Someone has replaced every video on the website with edited versions where swastikas and images of Hitler bounce around the screen whenever one of the actors achieves orgasm. Such a bizarre and puerile act of vandalism could only have been committed by one person: Henry. Henry is trying to regain legitimacy in the world of performance art by attacking his own wife’s website. Anne is not a stupid woman; she recognizes this at once. Furious, she decides to confront him. When Henry wakes up the following morning, he walks into the living room only to discover the TV playing a video of 300-pound teen lesbians shitting into each other’s mouths. Anne is sitting on the couch, waiting. Was any of it real? Anne demands, half-shouting to be heard over the ecstatic gargling of actress Candi Chunks. Was what real? Henry says. Turn that off, will you? Did you marry me just for this? To get close enough to my site that you could pull this stunt? Is this all one of your stupid ‘pieces’? Anne– Henry begins. That night at the lakeside when you said I was so beautiful that my existence made art redundant, were you playing some kind of con? Anne has to pause while actress Skyler Brown vomits with enough force to rattle the walls. Were you just saying whatever would make me let my guard down? How could you do this to me? Henry closes the distance between them and sits down beside her. He takes Anne’s hands in his. She looks away. She tries not to let him see how hurt she is — tries and fails. Her eyes well with tears. On the TV, Candi and Skyler shriek their way through a septic orgasm. At the apex, a giant red swastika twirls and dances around the screen and a soundclip of Hitler’s duck-like warbling replaces the audio track. You did this, didn’t you? Anne says. She looks Henry dead in the eyes. Don’t play stupid. Henry sighs. Anne, frankly, I *did* Nazi that cumming.
A man walks into a bar… A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender tells him, if you make the horse laugh you get a drink on me . So the man heads for the horse in the empty room of the bar. The man whispers in the horse’s ear and the horse laughs. The bartender gives him a free drink. Next night the man comes back. The bartender tells him if you can make the horse cry you get 3 drinks on the house . So the man walks up to the horse and them closes the door. After about 5 seconds he comes out of the empty room and leaves the horse crying. He comes back the next night. The bartender working all three nights finally asks the guy How did you make the horse laugh? the man says, Told em’ my penis was bigger then his. Bartender says, Well then, how did you make em cry? then the man says, I showed ’em.
What is it about half men – half horses? What is it about half men – half horses? They always have to be centaur of attention.
Little boy walking with mom Boy: (Pointing at a horse’s dick) Mom, what is that? Mom: (In embarrassment) Nothing. Next day boy walking with his dad Boy: (same question) Dad what is that? Dad: Son, that is a penis. Huge penis. Boy: But mom said it’s nothing. Dad: Maybe nothing for your mom, but it can fucking tear us apart.
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? The guy says, It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.
My Favorite Wild West Joke A mean lookin’ cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, Listen up you mangey bastards and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. Someone done took my horse. Now here’s what’s gunna happen. I’m gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I’m gunna do what I did in Texas… and believe me, I don’t want to do what I did in Texas! Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, Sir I don’t mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas? The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, I walked home .
Royal Canadian Mounted Police ( Mountie ) joke Did you hear about the near-sighted Mountie?…He tied his whistle to a tree and blew his horse.
if your best friend Jack was stuck on of a horse, would you help your friend Jack off a horse?
The Cowboy and the Indian A cowboy is riding his horse through the plains; it’s been hours since he’s seen civilization, and he figures it’ll be hours before he sees any more. He brings his horse to stop, then reaches for his canteen. As he tips the water back, he notices something out of the corner of his eye; a figure laying down in the sand. He figures his eyes are playing tricks on him and he takes another swig of water, but as he squints, he realizes that there is indeed someone out there. Taking his horse off the path, he rides over and dismounts. There, laying in the middle of nowhere, is an Indian. He’s on all fours, his ear pressed into the sand, and his whole body motionless, except quiet breaths. Howdy there, the cowboy says. Hello. If you don’t mind me asking, what are y’all doing out here in the middle of nowhere? Buffalo tracking. This surprises the cowboy. Buffalo tracking? With your head on the ground like that? The Indian nods, then looks down at the ground for a few moments. Thirty… no, forty buffalo. Traveling in a tightly packed herd. Stampeding, due West. He raises one hand and points. Five miles in that direction. The cowboy is completely flabbergasted. Well I’ll be god damned. How on earth can you be so sure of all of that? The Indian slowly looks up at the cowboy. Because they ran me over ten minutes ago.
An unfinished race joke I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven’t got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please? Serving at the counter was an Asian man who said, No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race. I said, That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two dollars each way on number four please? No, he replied. Oh, I said, And why’s that?
three monks three monks live in the desert where they pray all day long. one day a horse passes by.a year passed and one of the monks said: what a beautiful horse! after a year, one of the other two monks adds: and it was white! another year, and the third monk turns angrily and says to them : if you don’t stop talking i will go right away .
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says… Why the long face? The horse says, My wife was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The bartender says, Holy shit! A talking horse!
Two mentally disabled patients John and Elise were both patients in a mental hospital.. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Elise promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Elise’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Elise the news she said: ‘Elise, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that John hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’ Elise replied. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry’
Missing report A husband went to the police station to file a missing report Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet. Officer: -What is her height? Husband : -Average, I guess. Officer: -Slim or healthy? Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy. Officer: -Color of eyes? Husband : -Never noticed. Officer : -Color of hair? Husband : -Changes according to season. Officer : -What was she wearing? Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit. Officer : -Was she driving? Husband : -Yes. Officer : -Color of the car? Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… and then the husband started crying…
Now two gay men were galavanting there way through the woods… And they are as happy as could be. Obviously things could be better, but who cares when there’s no one else around. Now during their excursion one of them trips on a strange bottle. They pick up the bottle and **woosh** out pops a handsome genie. The might genie speaks with authority and exclaims, You have opened my lamp, and I may grant you each a wish of your own heart’s desire . The first gay man closes his eyes and wishes really hard, and **woosh** both men have become incredibly handsome(r). Their chiseled jaws and bulging pecs are a sight to behold. The second gay man states This is fantastic, there’s just one thing missing! . He closes his eyes and wishes really hard and **woosh**… The scene suddenly changes to something you wouldn’t expect. Suddenly it’s dark as night, there’s a burning cross in the background, and there’s an air of terror like you wouldn’t expect. Then over the hill, a large group of men all dressed as ghosts riding horses and were headed straight after our homosexual heroes. What on this earth is going on?? says the first gay fellow. I don’t know! states the second, All I wished for was to be hung like black guys!
Kids these days On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you? The kid says, Yeah. The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike. The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you? Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did. The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.
A rich man stops at a traffic light next to an old bum on a bicycle. The bum lean over to check out the fancy vehicle of the other man and asks him: Why would you buy such an expensive car? The rich man replies: Old man, this baby can go 0 to 200 in 2.3 second, it has a twin turbo engine, and 600 horse power, that’s why! The bum shrugs and isn’t impressed, so the rich man decides to show off and as the light turns green he guns it. He accelerates to top speed losing the bum in the rear view mirror. He then decides to slow down as to avoid a ticket. In a few seconds, he sees that the bum on the bike is gaining on him, and in a flash, the old man passes the rich man. The rich man is astonished at such a sight, so he speeds up again, and passes the bicyclist going faster than before. The man slows down again only after he is sure he lost the bum in the rear view. Yet, to his greatest surprise, the bum passes him again. The rich man starts to get curious, so he passes the bum and pulls over to find out how this old fart managed to overtake him twice. As the rich man is climbing out of his vehicle, the bum slams into the rear bumper tumbling off the bike. The man is furious: What the hell are you doing old man?! The old bum answered: Trying to get my suspender unhooked from your side mirror.
Madonna falling was wrong on so many levels. Well 2, the stage and the floor. The bum lean over to check out the fancy vehicle of the other man and asks him: Why would you buy such an expensive car? The rich man replies: Old man, this baby can go 0 to 200 in 2.3 second, it has a twin turbo engine, and 600 horse power, that’s why! The bum shrugs and isn’t impressed, so the rich man decides to show off and as the light turns green he guns it. He accelerates to top speed losing the bum in the rear view mirror. He then decides to slow down as to avoid a ticket. In a few seconds, he sees that the bum on the bike is gaining on him, and in a flash, the old man passes the rich man. The rich man is astonished at such a sight, so he speeds up again, and passes the bicyclist going faster than before. The man slows down again only after he is sure he lost the bum in the rear view. Yet, to his greatest surprise, the bum passes him again. The rich man starts to get curious, so he passes the bum and pulls over to find out how this old fart managed to overtake him twice. As the rich man is climbing out of his vehicle, the bum slams into the rear bumper tumbling off the bike. The man is furious: What the hell are you doing old man?! The old bum answered: Trying to get my suspender unhooked from your side mirror.
You hear about the accident involving the mustang and the t bird? There was horse shit and feathers everywhere! My grandpa died 12 years ago this week, thought I’d share his favorite joke.
Talking farm animals. A man is backpacking through Wales, and late in the afternoon, he comes upon a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and is kindly greeted by an elderly Welsh couple. They generously allow him to spend the night. As the wife is preparing dinner for the three of them, the husband decides to show the traveler around the farm. The traveler in question happened to be a talented ventriloquist, and he decided to play a prank on the kind old farmer. As they approached the pig pen, the traveler goes to the pigs and asks them, Why, hello pigs. Are you all having a good day? The pigs reply, Oh yes, a wonderful day. Thank you. The farmer is left in awe, for he doesn’t realize that the man is a ventriloquist. He is so shocked that he cannot speak, and can only lead the man away towards the horses. As they approach the stables, the traveler goes up to the horses and says, Hello there horses. Is the farmer treating you well? The horses reply, Yes sir, he is. The farmer is still too awed to say anything, so the men keep walking. They pass through the fields, and come upon the pasture where the sheep graze during the day. The traveler steps ahead to greet the sheep, but the farmer leaps ahead of him and blocks his path. He says, Now, you don’t want to be talking to the sheep. They’re a bunch of lying bastards anyway!
Married farmer driving home on horses A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, That’s once. A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, That’s twice. When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, That was an awful thing to do! The farmer says, That’s once.
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
A man is walking through the desert and sees a hat lying in the sand… So he walks up and picks the hat up and is surprised to see a man’s head underneath, buried up to his neck in the sand. Oh my gosh! he says. Are you okay? Do you need any help? Oh, no worries. We’ll be on our way soon. My horse just needs a rest. (I heard this joke a long time ago and it made me laugh. I’m sure I’m telling it wrong. Let me know.)
A cowboy sees a majestic horse… It’s the most beautiful horse he’s ever seen, and he wants nothing more than this horse. He finds the owner of this horse, an immigrant, and asks to buy it. The owner says, I tell you misser, dis horse no look so good. The cowboy persists, extolling the physical virtues of this horse. The immigrant says, Okay misser, but I tell you he no look so good . The cowboy mounts the horse and says Giddyup . The horse immediately slams into a tree and breaks its neck. The infuriated cowboy goes back to the immigrant and asks him why he didn’t tell him the horse was that suicidal. The immigrant says He not suicidal, he just no look so good!
A Farmer Brings His Horse Into a Bar He bets that the first person to make his horse laugh he would give $100. Many try, until one man steps up and puts his mouth to the horses ear and the horse begins to laugh. The farmer is amazed and pays the man $100. The next day the same farmer brings the same horse to the bar and bets that the first person to make his horse cry he would give $100. Many try, until the same man who won yesterday walks up and asks the farmer if the horse can follow him to the restroom, to which the farmer agrees. The horse follows the man and after a few minutes the horse walks out of the restroom crying. The farmer is again amazed and after paying the man $100 he asks how did you manage to make my horse laugh yesterday and cry today? The man replied, Well it was easy, yesterday I told him my dick was bigger than his and today I showed him
The Lone Ranger gets caught. The Lone Ranger is caught by a group of Crow braves and buried up to his neck in sand. The leader of the braves tells him he has one last dying request, and so coolly and calmly he whistles to his horse Silver and Silver trots over and the Lone Ranger whispers something in his ear. Immediately Silver bolts off into the distance and then quickly returns with a beautiful woman on his back, who gracefully slides off him and proceeds to lift her skirt, sit upon the Lone Ranger’s face, and then writhe and buck in screaming ecstasy for a full five minutes before climbing off and walking away. The crow are so amazed at this sight, and the depths of communication displayed between man and horse that they grant one more request, to which the Lone Ranger once again whistles Silver over, and in a voice of mild annoyance says, I said a posse.
