My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. My job sucks…
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shave her legs and shit. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Edit: this took a helacious amount of time to type on my little droid phone. Especially editing and bullshit. My. Job. SUCKS.
My phone has a large crack in the screen and won’t turn on. What a fucking sketchy company. All I did was throw my phone off the top of a 20 story building. I thought I could trust apple…but even with airplane mode on my phone still ended up breaking. Sick of this shit. Apple’s lies.
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: Thaw the chicken. NASA CHICKEN CANON
Natasha and Malia Ann say they have a delightful plan. They want to throw five $20 bills out the window and make five people happy. Michelle pipes up and says You guys are thinking too small, we need to throw ten $10 bills out of the window and make ten people happy . Barack pipes up and says You guys are STILL thinking too small. We need to throw one hundred $1 bills out of the window and make one hundred people happy . The pilot turns around and says You guys need to throw yourselves out the window and make the whole world happy! The Obamas are on Air Force One
Naturally the physicist and the engineer start talking about higher mathematics and their professions and start arguing whose profession is the most important. The physicist points out the window and says You see those wings? Without the physics of aerodynamics those wouldn’t be possible. Not to be outdone, the engineer points to the cockpit and says You see all those controls and flight mechanisms? We wouldn’t even be off the ground without those. After listening to them boast for about a half an hour, the mailman says Without the mailman neither of you would be alive. A physicist, an engineer, and a mailman are seated together on a plane
Never get tired of Chuck Norris facts, I would say jokes but I might wake up to a roundhouse to the face… 1. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital. 2. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. 3. Michael Jackson could do the Moonwalk on Earth, but Chuck Norris can do the Earthwalk on the moon. 4. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon or an apple. 5. Human blood types are usually 0+, A+, or AB. Chuck Norris’s blood type is AK-47. 6. When Chuck Norris looks at himself in a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris. 7. Chuck Norris needed only one day to travel around the world and he didn’t even have to move while doing so. He just spun the Earth around him. 8. Chuck Norris is the only man in history who can be the QB and the wide receiver simultaneously. 9. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is. 10. A recent research showed that the saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is. 11. Fear of spiders is arachnophobia. Fear of having no escape and being in closed or small spaces or rooms is claustrophobia and fear of Chuck Norris is called logic. 12. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris. 13. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris. 14. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to continue living. 15. It is believed that Chuck Norris has counted to infinity not just once as most people think but twice. 16. Every time Chuck Norris has a staring contest with the sun a solar eclipse occurs. 17. When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run! 18. When Raymond Samuel Tomlinson implemented an email system in 1971 on the ARPANET, he already had two unread emails in his inbox from Chuck Norris. 19. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery. 20. Chuck Norris is the only man in history who played Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver and guess what? He won. 21. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land! 22. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried. 23. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move. 24. In reality Chuck Norris died ten years ago but Death hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Why? Rumors have it that Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience. Chuck Norris
never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’ I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’ So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… ‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’ She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’ Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’ We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’ I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’ Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’ I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’ And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’ Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.. � � Venus vs Mars
New flicks about to come out, Ghostbusters, Star Trek, & Jason Bourne. I’m sorry, Old flicks being redone AGAIN coming out soon! The Sulu character on the next Star Trek will be gay. According to George Takei he won’t exactly be going boldly where NO man has gone before. Erik Estrada’s taken a job as a reserve cop in Southeastern Idaho. You laugh, but this could lead to a cameo in Paul Blart Mall Cop 3! One mega-church in South Carolina has 30,000 parishioners! I’d hate to do the dishes after the annual pot luck dinner! The solar powered plane is finishing it’s round the world trip. It refueled at night by circling Wayne Newton’s Las Vegas home! WI Gov Christe may run with Trump. His slogan isn’t Make America Great Again, it’s Make America Cake Again;. Sorry cheap shot! I went to a fireworks show in Northern Wisconsin. The crowd looked like a halfway house burnt down & they fled in their old clothes! The MLB All Star Game is tomorrow. Or as it’s better known; The Cubs versus the Rangers! All these riots in the streets. Can’t we be civilized like the British & riot in the soccer stadiums like rational human beings? They’ve now developed a hybrid of Brussel Sprouts & Kale. It’s for sadistic parents who want to torture their children! Seriously Funny 7/11/’16
No one, the was a major gas leak, and someone lit a match, and the plane exploded, killing everyone inside. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash, who survives?
No seriously, I was jacking off the entire plane ride home I just flew in from Phoenix… Boy are my arms tired
No!!! A pilot! A fucking pilot! You racist bastard! Racist joke,(answer this BEFORE you click) What do you call a black man flying a plane?
No, it’s not a penis joke. Just to clarify, everyone in this story is, in fact, a moth. Young Johnny Moth was taking a walk on a bright summer day. His parents constantly made fun of him and he always went up to his room and cried. So he was taking a walk through the streets and he saw a large sign that said in big letters, County Fair . He decides to go in and check it out; he has some money on him. He walks around for a bit, and then he sees the Shirt Eating Contest. He thought he might have a good shot at this; shirt eating has always been a hobby of his. He signs up. It cost 5$. He sits down at a long table with about 10 seats. Each seat has a plate with 5 shirts neatly folded and stacked in front of it. Everyone sits down and the director yells, 3! 2! 1! Eat! and he shoots a blank. And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he’s eating. He’s eating fast. He’s finishing his shirts before everyone else. He’s finished his fifth and last shirt before anyone else has finished their second. He starts running around and eating everyone else’s shirts. And he wins! Johhny takes his prize and leaves. Before he gets far, he gets a tap on the shoulder. It’s the director. You did great back there. What’s your name? he asks Uh… my name’s Johnny Moth. Well, I’d like you to participate in the Regional Shirt Eating Contest this Saturday right here. Are you interested? he asks Johnny. Oh… I suppose, Johnny replies. Great! I look forward to seeing you there. And with that, the director leaves. Johnny goes home and tells his parents what happened. They call him fat and Johnny goes up to his room and cries. Soon it’s time for the contest. He prepares himself and goes to the area. He’s the first there, so he decides to take a short walk around. Then he returns to his seat. Everyone else slowly comes in. Attention all contestants! There are two winners of this tournament. The winners are invited to the National Shirt Eating Contest on Thursday. The first two to finish their plate of 10 shirts wins! On your mark, get set, go! yells the director through a bullhorn, shooting a blank. And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he’s eating. He’s eating fast. He’s finishing his shirts before everyone else. He looks around. He’s in the lead! He finishes way before everyone else. He jumps around to everyone else’s shirts after the second person wins. He eats a total of 48 shirts. He wins! Everyone congratulates him and he runs home with his trophy. The Nationals! It’s a very big deal, and he’s very good at eating shirts. He tells his parents, they punch him and he goes up to his room and cries. Thursday comes. His flight to Chicago is early in the morning. He takes his bags and leaves for Chicago. He checks into his hotel and gets some rest before the big night. He wakes up and starts exploring the city. While walking, he bumps into a much larger moth than he. Hey, watch it punk, says the moth. Oh… sorry, replies Johnny, continuing on his way. Hey, you’re that Johnny Moth kid, right? The shirt guy? he asks. Um… yea, answers Johnny. My name is Freddy Mothinson, and I’m gonna kick your butt! Oh… murmurs Johnny, who continues to walk. So it’s now time for the contest. Everyone goes into the hotel ballroom at the table where 8 people sit in a circle. Welcome, champions, to the National Shirt Eating Contest! The two contestants to finish their 5 plates of 4 shirts will be invited to represent North America in the World Shirt Eating Contest. Ready, set, go! says the director, firing a blank. And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he’s eating. He’s eating fast. He appears to be finishing his shirts before everyone else. He looks over at Freddy. Freddy is mass consuming the shirts. He’s winning by a landslide. He hurries up on his shirts. He gets second place without any fight. The director congratulates the two on their performance. Hey, punk. Don’t think you can stand a chance against me at the finals. I’m gonna kick your butt again! Ah… replies Johnny, who walks to his hotel room to get a good night’s sleep. He returns home the next day, to tell his parents what had happened. His parents fart on him, and he goes up to his room to cry. He wakes up in the morning to find a letter on his doorstep. To: Johnny Moth. From: President Barack O’Motha. A letter from the president! This was huge. He opened it and started reading. Dear Mr. Moth. I saw your performances in Chicago on the television, and I was amazed at how determined you were eating those shirts. I will be coming to Paris to see you eat shirt in person. We’re rooting for you! Barack O’Motha. He was very excited. Paris was in a week. He booked tickets, and went to sleep. He sleeps a lot. Six days passed and it’s time to go to Paris. He says goodbye to his parents who throw things at him but they miss and Johnny runs while crying. He gets to the airport, and boards the plane. Luckily for him, he’s upgraded to First Class for free! He takes his new seat, and finds out it is next to a very pretty lady. Uh… hello. I’m Johnny Moth. What’s your name? he says with red cheeks. I’m Clara. Nice to meet you! she says, giggling. They talk and flirt the entire plane ride, and Johnny finally gets the courage to ask her out. Um… do you want to have dinner on the Eiffel Tower at 7:30 after my contest? he asks while his cheeks have all his blood. Sure! I can’t wait! she replies with a wink. The plane lands and Johnny goes to his hotel for a good night’s sleep. He wakes up, and it’s his big day. He explores Paris for the day, until it’s 6:45. The contest is at 7:00. He hurries over to the park where the event is being held. He sits down with the 7 others. Bonsoir, monsieurs. Today, we are happy to hold the World Finals for Eating Shirt. Of the 8 contestants, only one of you will claim victory. You must eat your 30 shirts before anyone else. 3, 2, 1, go! says the director, firing a cannon. Johnny and Freddy look at each other, and then dig in. And Johnny starts eating. And eating. And he’s eating. He’s eating fast. And Freddy starts eating. And eating. And he’s eating. He’s eating fast. He’s finishing his shirts before everyone else. They’re tied, but both ahead of everyone else. Johnny wants to win, he knows that O’Motha and Clara are watching. But Freddy is pulling ahead. He’s ahead 17 shirts to 14. He’s eating faster! And then Johnny thinks of his parents. What will they do if he wins? Nothing. NOTHING! The hatred is flowing through him. He eats vigorously. He’s eating a shirt every 3 seconds. He wins in a landslide. He celebrates! He dances around, and Freddy slams his plates onto the floor and walks away. The director congratulates him and the crowd cheers. O’Motha comes up and shakes his hand. He is given his award of 500,000 euros. He stays for a bit, and checks his watch. 7:24. He runs as fast as he can to the Eiffel Tower. He gets to the top by 7:30, and is out of breath. But Clara isn’t there. She’s probably just a bit late, he thought. He hangs around for about 10 minutes, but still no Clara. He decides to look through the telescope to see the City of Love. He sees a beautiful view. But then he looks into a restaurant. And what does he see? He sees his lovely Clara having dinner with Freddy Mothinson. He starts crying. He cries harder than he ever had before. And boy, have you ever seen a moth bawl. ^^^^^^sorry^^not^^sorry wow thanks for the gold It’s a long one. Stick until the end.
Nor sure how you’re going to get 100 goats on a plane though Source: radio If you’re going to Greece change your currency at the airport
North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane. What’s the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?
Not entirely a waste. Now we have 280 extra divers looking for flight MH370. So a Korean ferry capsized with over 280 people lost overboard.
Not sure where he got his pilot’s license, but he sure does always make his arrival times. Did you hear about the penguin that flew?
Nothing like his passengers, though. They must have been losing their minds before the plane hit the trees. I really hope to die as peacefully as my grandfather did.
Nothing. Airplanes can’t fucking talk. What did the airplane say to the steel beams?
Noticing the scrape between his two kids, the father walks over and questions what’s wrong. He always thinks everything has to be about him! cries the daughter, pointing her finger towards her brother. Leaning down, the father asks the boy, There’s a lot of people on this planet. Do you really think everything revolves around you? The boy grins smugly and replies, Of course it does. I’m the son. A boy and his sister are arguing.
Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force. Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.
Obama looks out the window and says to the other two, Ive been thinking. I wish I could do more to help these people; they deserve so much! He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill. He says, If I drop this out the window, I can make somebody really happy! Biden clears his throat and says, Excuse me Mr. President, but I can do you one better. He pulls out ten $10 bills and continues, I can drop ten of these out the window and make ten people really happy! Clinton clears her throat and says, I can top both of you! She pulls out of her purse one hundred $1 bills. I can drop one hundred of these and make one hundred people really happy! At this point the pilot comes out of the cabinet and laughs. At the inquiring looks of Obama, Biden, and Clinton he says, I can top all of you! I can crash this plane and make millions of people happy! Obama, Biden, and Clinton sit in a plane..
Obama, his wife, and Oprah were all flying to DC on a private jet. Obama goes you know, I could throw a one-thousand dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy! Then his wife said well speaking of which, I could throw 10 hundred dollar bills out thewindow and make 10 people very happy. So Oprah goes well, I could throw 100 10 dollar bills out and make 100 people very happy. The pilot rolled his eyes and looked at the co-pilot and said They think they’re so smart. You know I could throw all their asses out and make 52 million people very happy! Obama, his wife and Oprah
Obi-Wan: it’s over Anakin, i have the high ground, you cant win. Anakin: you mustafargotten the power of the dark side! (im sorry) (also if you dont get it, mustafar is the planet obi-wan and anakin dueled before he turned into darth vader) Mustafar
of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore? The old man lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Father, he whispered. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95 I was still here, and then turned 100 and I was still here Then I turned 105 and I am still here on planet. So, I figure that God is very very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him! A pious man, who had reached the age
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport — what a mess — all over you with those dopey security questions. ‘Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?’ Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80s. Carol Leifer: Security Questions
-OH SHIT A PLANE IS COMING TOWARDS THE BUILDING It’s a bird! It’s a plane-
Oh wait, they are planes. These Egyptian fireworks are nice.
Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid’s name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much worse) names. As an extremely goth kid, he had the full goth getup. Black hair, eyeliner, weird piercings, ripped jeans, you get the picture. But what really made him stand out was this really big chain he wore everywhere. Always. It was his favorite accessory. And this kid really, I mean REALLY hated John. The goth kid fancied himself pretty smart, and thought he was much cooler than he really was. So he was really pissed when John became the class valedictorian. He needed some way to prove to the world that he was better than John. He began bragging to everyone about his parent’s land back home in France, hoping to make John jealous. Now John wasn’t really sure why, but the idea of a weird goth nobody trying to one-up him really got him mad. He needed some way to prove that he was, in fact, better than the goth kid. He did some research into his family tree to see if he was related to anyone famous, to prove that he was inherently better than the French goth. He struck gold! He discovered that he was the long-lost heir to some obscure duke or duchess in, of all places, France! John brought his proof that he was French royalty to school to show the goth kid how much better he was. Of course, the French kid called bull. John wouldn’t take it and started claiming that the goth kid was making up all of his family’s fortune. He went on a rant, trying to shame the goth kid by saying how he was just jealous that John had become valedictorian, and not him. This continued for weeks, and at the end of it all, they were both livid. They finally decided there was only way to solve this dispute. They would both go to France and prove their wealth to the other. They convinced their families to vacation there at the same time, and it actually worked! Even more weeks later, they were in the airport, going through security (separately, with their respective families). However, the goth kid had forgot how strict the TSA was, and had (as always) been wearing his favorite chain. He was forced to hand it over to airport security, who said he could get it back upon his return. It was a heart-wrenching experience for the kid, who was never without his trademark chain. But he had no choice but to hand it over. Upon arriving in France, he immediately sought out and bought the first chain he could find, much smaller and much more lackluster than his favorite. But he decided it would have to work for now. Although they couldn’t yet meet face to face, he finally managed to coordinate a meeting with John over the phone, and they set off to show off their land to each other. The whole time, John was calling the goth kid all sorts of terrible names, partially due to his insecurity about the size of his land. If it was smaller than a lame goth kids, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. However, what both of the kids failed to realize was that John’s dead ancestor lived on the property right next to the French kid’s! They were finally about to meet, and got to thoroughly examine and compare their family’s land beforehand. They set eyes on each other and calmly approached, determined at the last minute to settle this like civilized humans… Val. John, at last. We see each other’s plains. Monsieur Lamer, you wear a different chain. A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66
okay so one day your uncle calls you because he has been locked out of his Facebook and doesn’t know the password and needs help signing in. Facebook won’t tell him the password and he can’t use the password reset because he also lost his email password. but he knows you’re a programmer, so he suggests you hack it.’ you tell him that’s impossible for many reasons, such as you can’t get access to the servers because you don’t have the credentials. he responds yeah but aren’t computers really just a bunch of tiny switches called transistors?’ startled, you reply well yeah… how do you know that but can’t figure out Facebook?’ Ignoring your question, he carries on so why don’t we just go to the actual Facebook server and manually move the transistors so that i can log in?’ at which point you narrowly avoid a stroke trying to fathom the difficulty of the proposed task. you explain to your uncle that these transistors are only nanometers in size, that a processor has trillions of them, all of which are constantly changing in millionths of a second and would have to be changed simultaneously; that the processor architecture is insanely complicated and difficult to learn, not to mention classified information; and that the servers are guarded 24/7 in secret locations all over the world; that the proposed plan would cost billions of dollars and many years to execute, if it is even theoretically possible according to the laws of physics, and that the technology to do such a thing is not even invented and likely far beyond any technological capacity on the planet… he says make it happen.’ Uncle Asks You for Help Recovering Lost Facebook Password
Old Man: Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that wall? Look how well it’s built. I built that wall stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-wall-Builder? Nooo.. Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo… Then the old man points out the window. Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo… Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. But ya fuck one goat . . . McGregor
Ole and Sven are looking for work. They go to the employment agency to see what there is to do. Ole went in first, and says he’s a wood chopper. He comes out and tell Sven they might as well move along, because there is no work here. Sven says we already came here, what’s the harm in having a look? He went in, and when they asked what he does, he says Pilot. He comes out the door, and tells Ole he got a job! Ole was furious, so he goes back in to see why they didn’t hire him first. They told him there is plenty of work for Pilots, but just not wood choppers. Ole got a funny look on his face, and asked, How can he pilot when I haven’t chopped it yet!!?? Ole & Sven
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, Y’know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway. Ole replies, Oh, don’t worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere’s plenty of space for us to land. As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, Ole, I don’t know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short. Ole says, Ok, I’ll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat? But Sven isn’t reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we’re gonna crash! Ole says, Oh shut up. I’ll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that’ll do it. So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole’s best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short! Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is! Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
On a flight, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I’m too young to die, she wails. Then she yells, Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN? For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps… ..He whispers: Iron this, and get me something to eat…. Cloud 9 Joke
On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde. The rules are very simple. I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you’ll give me $5 and then you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer I’ll give you $5. The person with the most money after twenty questions wins. The blonde recognizing that the scientist was much smarter balked at the deal and so the scientist, being confident, upped the stakes: If you ask me a question I can’t answer, I’ll give you $20. The blonde agreed and the scientist started with the first question. What is chemical composition of water? The blond gave the scientist $5. On the blonde’s turn she asked What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down? The scientist thought and thought and thought but was completely stumped. Even sneaking a peak and googling didn’t turn up an answer. Finally the scientist has to admit defeat and hands over $20. The blonde asks for the next question but the scientist questions Wait, what was the answer? The blonde hands over $5. A blonde sits next to a scientist…
On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes. However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was. Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door. After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, Do you need any help with the zipper? From behind the door, a startled male voice said, Good God!!! That’s what I call service! . British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget the coffee! And the peanuts…please…
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget the coffee! Sex and coffee
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, Why didn’t anyone just say so? Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York. Flight to New York
On a plane. How did the mathematician reach the end of the Y-axis?
on a plane. Let’s call them Matt and Bob. Dude, what if we had sex? asks Matt. You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it… Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look! Matt stands up and asks loudly: Could I have a pencil, please? Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. They really wouldn’t care then, would they? says Bob. So Matt and Bob have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag! I didn’t dare whispers the old man. A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass… Two gay guys were travelling
On a planet called Cheeriolia, the population is divided into three societal classes: Cheerios are the lower class, Applejacks are in the middle, and Fruit Loops are the wealthy elite. One cannot intermarry between classes, unfortunately, and discrimination is rampant between them. An authoritarian government keeps very close tabs on individual classes and poverty lines criss-cross through big cities. Cheerios are doomed to a certain limit of wealth, Applejacks cannot earn more than Fruit Loops, and Fruit Loops must pay even heavier taxes. Life is difficult, and each class has its own unique complaints with the way they are forced to live. A Cheerio named Joe worked at a local Wal-Mart as a cashier, a position he had held for years because his boss is a penny-pinching Applejack. One day, he was bagging groceries for a fellow Cheerio when a Fruit Loop walked through the door, frantically darting her eyes around, panting. She ran down a couple isles, found what she was looking for, and hurried to the check-out area. The Fruit Loop had jumped into the same express lane that Joe was manning. Even though the line was moving quickly, it was an especially busy day and there were quite a few people in the queue. She exclaimed, Won’t this line move any faster? The Cheerio in front of her shook his head and chuckled to himself. The Fruit Loop didn’t notice. She stood with her one item tucked under her arm, glaring at the rest of the line. Five minutes later, she was at the line’s head. Joe looked at her, in awe of her beauty. She was, perhaps, the most beautiful Fruit Loop he had ever seen. His mouth fell open as she said, I don’t usually shop here Her pejorative comment had no effect on Joe, who still could not believe his eyes. The Fruit Loop had to snap her fingers in Joe’s face for him to finally take her credit card. She paid and left, but Joe could not stop thinking about her. He resolved to find out who she was and make her fall in love with him. There was only one problem: he was a Cheerio, and she was a Fruit Loopeven if she *did* love him, it was against the law for them to marry. Still, the thought of love and marriage was hopeful, and it occupied his mind for the next two years. During those next two years, Joe never stopped thinking about the beautiful Fruit Loop. He worked as hard as he could, bought a chin-up bar to hand in the doorway of his tiny apartment, and subscribed to a gym membership. Joe lost some weight, started running in the mornings, and let his beard grow out. One day, much to his surprise, he awoke to a brand-new, hot-pink body that smelled very sweetly of apples. He had made the jump from Cheerio to Applejack! That morning, Joe walked through the doors of the Wal-Mart and his co-workers stared at him, with their mouths agape. He continued working as a cashier, but one day the CEO of Wal-Mart fired Joe’s boss and promoted him to manager at the request of his co-workers, who knew his humble nature and diligence would help their local Wal-Mart. He doubled their pay, and even helped stock shelves when he had nothing else to do. A few months passed, and Joe still worked out after the workday ended, but he became very lonely. The beautiful Fruit Loop still was all he thought about, so he devoted even more of his time to work and committed himself to physical fitness. In his deluded aspirations, he sought to win the heart of the Fruit Loop without even knowing her name. Just as his hope was running low, the same Fruit Loop entered the Wal-Mart, again looking very rushed, and ran down the aisle frantically looking for another item. As she was running around a corner, she ran into Joe, who was carrying a stack of boxes. They collapsed onto the floor. The Fruit Loop began to shout obscenities as Joe helped her up. Sorry, miss. She sighed. No, I’m sorry. I ran into you. I should have been watching. I’m Joe. His voice quivered slightly, and he held out his hand. Vanessa. Joe led Vanessa to the cashiers, where he let his Cheerio employee go on break so he could check Vanessa out. He took a good look at her, and it was as if not a day had passed since he had seen her last. The only difference now was that he was a jacked-up Applejack who felt much closer to winning Vanessa’s heart. She took her item and left once again. Thoughts of marrying Vanessa didn’t leave his mind for three more years. In those three years, Joe committed every waking moment to physical fitness. He was promoted at work and given authority over all the Wal-Marts in the tri-state area. Joe was still kind to his employees and gave them high salaries, but the economy was booming and he earned quite a bit of money without working very long hours. He attended some formal parties for Wal-Mart executive Fruit Loops and saw they way they lived, so luxuriously. Joe envied it. But all his wishes and hopes relied on his body and what he was made of. He did not lose hope. And one day, much to Joe’s glee, he awoke to a brand-new, sugar-coated, bright blue body. He was finally a Fruit Loop! That morning, Joe walked from his penthouse flat to the office and, like he usually did, ran up the stairs. All the cubicles were full when he entered, and everyone peered over to get a look at his new body. All the Applejacks in accounting were amazed, all the Applejacks in IT were amazed, and all the Applejacks in administration were amazed. His boss, the Fruit Loop directly under the CEO, took notice quickly and put in a good word with the CFO, who put in an even better word with the CEO. Both thought very highly of Joe and both thought he would make the perfect CEO one day. No-one knew that the CFO was sleeping with the CEO’s wife, however, and when the CEO found out, he delved so deep into alcohol that the board of trustees voted to let him go and replace him with Joe. One day, Joe was walking down the street to the office when he passed Vanessa. She had not aged one day in the last three years, and he immediately stopped to reintroduce himself. Vanessa was surprised it was Joe, because she remembered him to be a mere Applejack, but she did remember him nonetheless. He asked her out for some drinks later that night, and she agreed. Later that night, they met at a bar and got to talking. Joe discovered that Vanessa, despite her goddess-like beauty, had never been married and had only dated a couple other Fruit Loops. He was just as surprised when Vanessa said that she was interested in dating himself. Joe replied with a definite yes without hesitation. His dream had come true; now he was to only win her heart. When Joe got home that night, he put himself through the most strenuous workout he had ever done and fell asleep immediately after he had done his last deadlift. Vanessa and Joe dated for eight months. Then, one day, on the terrace of his penthouse overlooking the harbor, Joe asked her to marry him. Vanessa screamed yes! Over the next eight years, Joe and Vanessa were faithful to each other. They had three healthy, beautiful children, and Joe continued working as the CEO of Wal-Mart. The company flourished and Joe was able to buy a large mansion out in the country where he hoped to raise his children. He kept the penthouse in the city in case he had to work late, but most of the time he was able to drive home and read his kids their bedtime stories. Vanessa never aged a day, and Joe loved her with all his heart. He had finally fulfilled his dream, and life was good. One day, Joe was finished with an important meeting and decided to clock out and drive home to surprise his children. He had forgotten what time the school day ended and arrived in the early afternoon at his mansion. A sleek, black sedan was in the driveway, and Joe didn’t know whose it was. He cracked open the front door slowly, and went straight to the bedroom without calling his wife’s name. Joe had a terrible feeling in his stomach. He threw the door to the master bedroom wide open and saw Vanessa in bed with the old CFO. He screamed obscenities at him and threw him out of his house. Vanessa tried to explain that it meant nothing, that she still loved him, but Joe would have none of it. He packed a bag, booked a plane ticket, called the office saying that he was taking a brief leave of absence, and drove to the airport, distraught. He boarded a plane destined for Hawai’i and watched as his home grew smaller and smaller in the distance. Joe decided he would stay in Hawai’i for a week to get his head straight and figure out what to do. When the plane arrived the next day, Joe found a five-star hotel right next to the beach. The view was lovely, and every morning before the sun was at its hottest, he would walk along the waves and think about his life. He was troubled, but at the same time he was proud of himself and what he had made of himself. Joe wasn’t sure what to do. One morning, he passed a young, beautiful woman walking the other way. She was a Fruit Loop, like himself, and though she was not as pretty as Vanessa, she was still breathtaking. Joe stopped, introduced himself, and offered to take her up to a favorite bar by the beach for some fruit juice. The Fruit Loop said her name was Merlot and that she, too, was on vacation. They had a few drinks and talked all afternoon; they told each other their darkest secrets and, by sunset, Joe felt like he knew Merlot better than he had ever known his wife. As the moon was rising, they kissed under the stars, and Joe took Merlot back to his hotel room. The next day, they both walked along the water. The passed the same bar they had stopped at the day before, and a sign hung in the window: We’re closed for the Juice Festival on 3rd Street. The couple was puzzled, so the walked hand in hand to the location the sign specified. A large, frightening bouncer-Applejack stood in the doorway, so Joe gave him a tip and he let them in. The party inside was loud and exciting. Along the far wall, rows and rows of booths surrounded a buffet line. The music playing was so catchy, however, that Merlot dragged Joe onto the dancefloor. Hours passed, and they were soon tired. Looking for a place to sit, the picked a booth. They kissed again. Joe felt like a new breakfast cereal. Smells coming from the buffet were so enticing that they had to try a little of everything. They stood in line and chatted up some of the other vacationers who were there for the food and drink. Soon, all the salty food had rendered them both very thirsty. When Joe offered to go find the line for the juice they had seen advertised, he stood between the islands of food and looked around. He didn’t see any juice. There was no punch line. The Cheerio Joke
On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Trids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Trid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a monster, and every time the trids tried to climb to the top of the mountain, the monster would run out and kick them all back down. The trids became tired of this, and so they contacted Earth to ask for help. Earth didn’t find this to be that big of a problem as they were at war and dealing with many different things, so they sent over a rabi. The Trids were happy to have any help they could get, and so they gladly accepted. The rabbi arrived and wanted to get straight to business, calling all of the Trids to the base of the mountain. A lot of them were too frightened, so only some showed up. The rabi led the Trids most of the way up the mountain, only to have the monster come out and kick all of the Trids down but not the rabbi. Frustrated, the rabbi went to the Trid village and told them that in order to get to the top, they would all have to show up and work together. The next day more Trids showed up, but not all of them were there. The rabbi sighed, leading them up to have the monster once again kick down all of the trids, but leave him standing. The rabbi went back to the Trid village and told them that if every single last Trid wasn’t in attendence the following day, he would return to Earth without helping them. The next day, every single Trid was there. The rabbi smiled and started leading the Trids up the mountain, this time quite confident that they would make it all the way up. But as usual, the monster ran out of his cave and managed to kick every single Trid back down the mountain, once again leaving the rabbi standing. The rabbi went to the monster’s cave and asked Monster, why do you only ever kick down the trids, but always leave me standing? To which the monster replied Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids. Trids
On a private plane flight there were a priest, two nuns and the pilot. After a while, the pilot turns on the autopilot calls the priest aside and says to him: – Sir, I am sorry, the plane will fall soon and there are only two parachutes. They are for both of us. – And the nuns? – The nuns… fuck them! – And… Do we have time?? On a private plane flight…
On a transcontinental flight, the plane started to go down. The flight attendant gets on the intercom and announces that there is too much weight on the plane. She says we will be throwing people off the plane in alphabetical order according to race . The black family looks over at the mexican family and the white family next to them and starts to sweat. The black child looks up at his father and says daddy, aren’t we black and African American? . The father quickly responds Hell no! The beaners and crackers are the first to go because today we’re niggers . Alternate ending: The mexican dad and white dad start laughing and say to each other poor nigger thinks that us wetbacks and whiteys are going first We’re not African Americans today
on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernia’s 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 Year to date statistics
On an international flight preparing to land in New York, an obviously gay steward comes on the speaker and instructs the passengers, Okay ladies and gentlemen, please return your seats and tray tables to their upright positions because the pilot’s gonna land the big scary plane real soon! Afterward, he walks through the first-class cabin for the routine check and sees one woman who still has her tray down. Politely, he asks, Ma’am, please put your tray up for landing as per the pilot’s instructions, mkay? She looks at him and sneers, Excuse me! In my country they call me a princess, and *nobody* tells me what to do. The steward smiles back and says, That’s nice, but in my country they call me a *queen*, so you better put your tray UP, BITCH. The Flamboyant Steward
On his last day, he takes a taxi to the airport. On the highway, a Honda overtakes them. The japanese exclaims: Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! . After a while, a Toyota overtakes them. He says: Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! Then a Nissan overtakes them. Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan! When they arrive at the airport, the fare is 100$. The japanese says: Wahh, very expensive. To which the driver says: Meter, very fast! Made in Japan! A japanese is in the US for a holiday.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, What time is it? The tower responded, Who is calling? The aircraft replied, What difference does it make? The tower replied, It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour. Air Traffic Control
On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake! Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t swear. Oh, sorry, padre, but that’s what it’s called it’s called a son-of-a-bitch fish.’ Oh, replied the priest, Is it good to eat? Oh, father, it may be the most delicious fish on the planet! So the priest finished his vacation with a fine catch, packed it in ice, and drove back to the Church. When he arrived, Sister Mary came running to the car, exclaiming, Father, father, welcome back! I hope you enjoyed your vacation, and I have fantastic news! The Pope is going to visit our Church tomorrow! That’s wonderful, said the priest, we can serve this son-of-a-bitch that I caught. Blushing, Sister Mary said, Oh, Father, such language! No, no, explained the priest, That’s just what the fish is called it’s a son-of-a-bitch fish,’ and it’s reputed to be the most delicious fish there is. Oh, said Sister Mary; in that case, I’ll clean the fish for Brother Isaac to cook, and she took the fish into the kitchen. Brother Isaac came into the kitchen and asked Mary what she was doing. I’m cleaning this son-of-a-bitch that the Father caught; we’re going to serve it for the Pope’s dinner tomorrow. Oh Mary, if you don’t want to clean the fish, I’ll clean it. Laughing, Mary explained, No, I’m not upset that’s just the name of the fish it’s a son-of-a-bitch fish.’ Oh, said Brother Isaac, I see. Is it any good? And Mary said, The son-of-a-bitch is supposed to be the most delicious fish in the world. Hmmmm, said Brother Isaac. I know, I’ll prepare some special side dishes to go with the son-of-a-bitch. The evening of the Pope’s visit arrived, and the fish was served for dinner, and everyone enjoyed it. My goodness, said the Pope, that was the most delicious fish I’ve ever tasted! Grinning a huge grin, the Priest boasted, I caught the son-of-a-bitch! Smiling with eyes aglow, Sister Mary said, I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch! And beaming with pride, Brother Isaac said, And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch! Smiling shyly, the Pope looked at each of them in turn and said, You fuckers are all right! Son of a bitch fish
On the main floor 1000’s of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 7068. A voice comes over the speaker system, announcing that the contest is about to begin and explains how it’s going to work. Each floor is full of men. Each floor has a specific type of men that has been predetermined using a questioner. If a lady wants to meet men in that specific type she can enter the floor this way everyone has lots of room to mingle with out overcrowding. Contest begins and about 1 hour later Peggy Sue is next in line. After some pleasantry and another explanation of the rules she is let in to the only staircase of the building and the door shuts behind her, as she begins to go up the stairs to the 1st floor. As she gets to the first floor she notices a sign that reads Welcome to the First floor extremely good looking men only at this floor . Being a little conservation Peggy decides to see what the second floor has in-store. as she get to the second floor another sign that reads Welcome to the Second floor extremely good looking men with Great Jobs on this floor only . Peggy thinks to herself my god second floor is twice as better as the first so she decides to check out 3rd floor. as she gets to the third floor another sign Welcome to the Third floor extremely good looking men with Great Jobs that are looking for a long term relationship only on this floor good lord she exclaims i must see what is on the fourth floor. another sign stares her in the face Welcome to the Fourth floor extremely good looking men with Great Jobs that are looking for a long time relationship that love to cuddle here . Peggy reads as she walks on past up to the fifth floor. Saying she just must see the next floor Welcome the Fifth floor extremely good looking men with Great Jobs that are looking for a long time relationship that love to cuddle and watch girl movies . Peggy reads as she climbs to the 6th floor. Welcome to the 6th floor extremely good looking men with Great Jobs that are looking for a long time relationship that love to cuddle and watch girl movies and love Kids . Peggy stops and catches her breath while thinking out loud this keeps getting better and better I can’t wait till I see what’s at the top floor. As she walks up the last flight of stairs she notices that she passed an invisible laser line as she gets to the top there is a sign blinking Welcome you are Visitor Number 7068 to this floor and below it reads There are no men here. This floor was used only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that it guy
On their way to an expedition, two explorers plane crashed on to an island. The local tribe caught them and told them to each find a fruit on this island. 30 minutes later, the first explorer came back with a bunch of grapes. The chief told him he will be released if he successfully finishes this task. You have to shove all your fruit up your butthole without one come back out. The chief said. Unwillingly, the explorer shoves each grape into his butthole. After 30 minutes, on his way on shoving the last grape, he laughed. All of the grapes came out like a waterfall. The chief asks whats going wrong, the explorer points to his partner who just came back, he brought a durian. The Explorers and the Tribal Chief
Once a Boss said to his subordinate: You have always wanted a bonus so I will give you $1,000,000i^2. The Subordinate: Sir I can this amount only on the Argand Plane. Real Money
Once a plane crashed on an island.Three passengers managed to grab parachutes and landed safely only to find them surrounded by cannibals.The cannibals’ leader approached them and said: You three have only two choices.Either we eat you or you complete a task i give you and you will be free. The three passengers immediately accepted to do the task. The leader said: There are two steps in the task.The first one is that each one of you must bring ten fruits of the same kind but you cannot bring the same kind of fruit as your comrades. In short if one of you brings ten coconuts,the other two cannot choos3 coconuts. The first one looked around the island and found ten apples. He returned to the leader and handed him the apples. The leader then said: Now the step is to shove each of the ten apples in your asshole BUT you must not makeany noise of any kind.No crying,talking or laughing or else we eat you. The man shoved the first apple and grunted.The cannibals ate him. The second one found ten cherries.He went to the leader and the latter explained him the rules. He started shoving the cherries one by one.As he was shoving the ninth cherry,he started to roar and laugh so loudly that tears came in his eyes. The cannibal leader said:You broke the rules and now we must eat you.But why did you laugh if you could just be free if you had shoved the last cherry into your asshole. The passenger said: I saw the last one coming with ten pineapples!!! . A plane crashes on an island…
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back; the instructions on the medicines said : after meal A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia
Once there lived a man. This man was so unextraordinary in every way possible that we are just going to call him John Smith. John was married to woman that I cannot describe as attractive because she was quite physically bland. John knew this was a mutual quality they shared, so he was content in his marriage. Every morning, John woke to a breakfast prepared by his wife that consisted of a slightly burnt piece of toast, reasonably runny eggs, and black coffee. He would then eat and say goodbye to his wife, who would only kiss his check because their relationship was just a tad bit to dry for kiss on the lips. All the while, John thought nothing of his bland life while climbing into his always empty minivan because he truly felt nothing. Once at his office, where John work in a very disposable sales position, he was called to speak to his boss. John believed he would be fired, but he didn’t really care. He sat down across his boss in the man’s gloomy, dark office. His boss said, John we need to branch out this business, so I am sending some of the sales team abroad to find some extra clients. Don’t get excited because this isn’t a promotion. John wasn’t even approaching excitement. How would you like to go to Mexico? said John’s boss with an unsure grin. I suppose replied John. Okay then said the boss, go speak with my secretary, and she will give you your ticket John walked toward the door,but was paused by one last statement from his boss. Oh… John… whatever you do, do not stay in the Hotel Mexico. Puzzled, John asked, Why? His boss fell very silent, and quietly yet sternly responded with, Just don’t. Once back home, John shared the news of the trip with his wife over dinner, who despite seeming unimpressed said, Oh that will be fun dear. The two finished dinner in silence and retreated to the bedroom at 9:30 where John was only able to fantasize of seducing his wife, for she always insisted only sleeping at least five inches apart. The next morning, when John was about to leave for the airport, he was stopped by his wife he seemed more concerned than usual. She grabbed his arm and urged, Promise me one thing… do not stay n the Hotel Mexico. What do you mean, what is it? John replied extremely confused and almost worried. No time to explain, you’ll miss your flight his wife said, brushing her comment aside. Before he could process what she said, John was brushed out the door by his wife just as quickly as her comment. The trip was very uneventful for John except for the inflight movie. Before the film began an advertisement was shown displaying the Hotel Mexico. The ad depicted the hotel as ‘five stars’ and a luxury of Mexico. John realized his wife and boss were most likely telling him not to spend too much money. Content with this conclusion, John turned off the TV and sleep the remainder of the flight. Once in Mexico, John needed to find a Hotel. The first hotel he came to was a rent by the hour. John walked in to check the rates, but was immediately repelled at sight on two hookers and either arm of a pimp and drunk snorting a line of cocaine at the bar. That’s Mexico for you. John thought as he went on to the next hotel, which just so happened to be the apparently notorious Hotel Mexico. Thinking it wouldn’t hurt to at least take a look inside, John entered the Hotel Mexico. John was bewildered for he had never seen such a beautiful sight as the lobby of the Hotel Mexico. Floor to ceiling, he witness the golden architecture and awe inspiring statues. John went over to the reception desk and looked at the rates. To his even greater astonishment, John found the rates to be only$27 a night. John thought it was too good to be true, and just as he was about to rent a room he remembered the words of his boss and wife. John then turned around and left the hotel on behalf of those wishes. As John walked to the next hotel he was very confused to why his boss and wife did not want him staying in the Hotel Mexico. Once at the next hotel, which seemed to be fairly nice and something he would normally settle for. Inside, John found that the rates exceed $300 a night. Now at his most confused, John stormed out of the hotel and on to the next. For the next several hours John searched for a hotel, but could only find extreme prices or drugged addicted whores. Fed up and tired, John decided to return to the Hotel Mexico. John purchased a room and went to it. Due to the low price, John was expecting a small dank room, but was surprised with a first class suite. Exhausted, John jumped into bed thinking his wife was insane. John woke the next morning and felt more refreshed than ever. He then went to his sales meeting, which he landed. It was then time to return home. John went back to the Hotel Mexico to pack his things. John said goodbye to the beautiful palace, the Hotel Mexico, and headed for the airport. Once home, it was time for John to immediately go straight to the office. First thing there, John was called into his bosses office. John’s boss asked how the trip was and John replied with, I made the sale. Also I stayed at the Hotel Mexico, I don’t know what you were talking that place is grea… You did what?! John’s boss replied in anger. What? John asked. John’s boss suddenly blew up in complete rage. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING! YOU DID THE ONE FUCKING THING I TOLD YOU NOT TO, YOU ILLITERATE FUCK! PACK YOUR FUCKING THINGS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS OFFICE! YOU’RE FIRED YOU STUPID PIECE OFF SHIT! John was in such shock that he did not argue. He packed his things and left. At home, John’s wife greeted him by asking how the trip was. John just said, I got fired. Showing true concern his wife asked why. John hesitated and told her not to get mad. You didn’t. she replied with fear. I stayed at the Hotel Mexico John whispered. Without another word John’s wife slapped him across the face marched upstairs and began throwing his belongings out the window. What the hell are you doing! he shouted. What’s so wrong with the goddamn Hotel Mexico! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE HOTEL MEXICO! she violently mocked. JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU ASSHOLE. Heart shattered, John did as he was asked, and once again packed his things and left. John only had one place to go, so he went to stay with his brother Nathan, who lived on a lake. Fishing was past time of their brotherhood, so Nathan took John out on the canoe to talk about John’s wife. For a while the sat in silence, until Nathan asked, What happened? Did you screw that girl at work, man? Fuck no John fought back. I’ll tell you. I don’t know why you would, but please don’t get mad Nathan, you’re all I got. I won’t bud. Nathan promised his younger brother. Nervously, John said, Well… here goes nothing… I… I went to Mexico for a business trip, and… I… stayed at the Hotel Mexico. YOU DID WHAT! screamed Nathan. At that moment Nathan stood up in the canoe ready to scream at John more, but before he could breath another word, Nathan shook the canoe too much, and flipped it. The two brothers drowned that day at the lake. You’re probably asking yourself why the hell you just read all of that, and if you did make it all the way through that I’m impressed. And now for the answer to the ultimate question! What is the moral of the story? | | | | Don’t stay at the Hotel Mexico? Nope that’s not it. | | Keep going. | | | | | | | | | | The moral of the story of the Hotel Mexico is…. don’t stand up in a canoe. Remember, this story might just save your life one day. You’re welcome And I have no sympathy for you, if you are angry for just waiting all of your time reading this, for you didn’t have to sit through the three hour long spoken version. Hotel Mexico
Once there was a small little cute girl who is so naughty(Mischievous) always make her brother so sad…….Once she taught that she should give a toy to him so that he will be happy so she has gone to a toy’s selling shopkeeper and took an aeroplane and gave a playing money card to him.The shop keeper asked her that this is not a real note.Then the little girl asked him if this aeroplane is a real one??? Is it a Real Aeroplane??????
Once upon a time a major TV outlet hosted greatly revered competition to determine the smartest, wisest, brightest specimen of Homo Sapiens once and for all. The popularity and feedback was unprecedented. Millions applied. After months of long and detailed tests ranging from simple IQ tests to timed QED calculations a surprising result emerged. There was two unexpected standing challengers: An Irish priest and an Australian farmer. Grand jury began final round televised live to every corner of the planet: Questions from all areas of expertise known to man constructed by the sharpest minds mankind could offer… But yet another surprise. All certified and approved questions had been answered with no hint of hesitation from neither of contenders… After a short caucus Grand Jury decided that both competitors had to write an improvised short poem. Better writer wins the contest and becomes a legend. However.. poem had to contain a distant city’s name ‘Timbuktu’ to avoid copycatting. After a short while an Irish priest confidently steps forward and begins with well trained melodic soothing recitation: ‘I am a father near all my life Though I have no children and I have no wife But I read a bible through and through On my blessed road to Timbuktu’ Standing ovation. Organisers with tears in their eyes step forward to proclaim winner. But Australian farmer slowly approaches the microphone. Billions hold their breaths in their homes, apartments, pubs, stadiums, caves, space stations, you get the idea… ‘When me ‘n m’ mate Tim to Sydney went We met few ladies, cheap to rent They were three, and we were two So I booked one, and Tim booked two’ [Crickets chirping happily] Smartest human competition
Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, Will you marry me The princess said, No ! And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgian beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftovers, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End A Pilots Story
Once upon a time there was a little boy. He saw something strange, and, thinking about what he saw, he folded his arms… INTO PAPER AIRPLANES! SCARY STORY!
Once upon a time, a man decided to climb a mountain. He took a nasty fall, badly bruising himself, and landed in the woods next to a shaggy-haired dog. Despite his injuries, he limped back to his house, where he left the dog, then to the nearest hospital, where he got some x-rays. When he got home, the dog looked hungry, so he made a steak just for the dog, and turned on the television. He was just about to call the pound when he heard that a wealthy couple, on vacation in the vicinity, had lost a very shaggy dog, and were offering a very large sum for his return. He bought a plane ticket, but fell short on funds. Being a thrifty man, never wanting to live in debt, he sold a chair from his house to pay for the ticket. When he got on the plane, he found that he couldn’t take the dog without preparations; the airline, however, was willing to transfer his ticket for a nominal fee. He was forced to pay this fee, and the veterinarian’s bills, with a credit card, which irked him even though he knew the reward would offset it. Then he flew to the city in question, but since he was only twenty-four, had to walk ten miles through the woods, going in the general direction of the manor. When he arrived, he found he had missed the front gate entirely. He walked directly up to the door with the dog and rang the bell… when he and the dog were shot dead by a guard. The end! The Man and the Shaggy Dog
Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle. While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is aware of its presense decides to attack. The clever dog notices and says Man Im so hungry! I wish there was a tiger nearby so I could kill and eat it. The tiger hears the dogs monologue and decides to return to its cave nearby in fear that the dogs words might actually become true. A monkey was sitting on a tree, and was spectating the whole scenery, meaning that it undertood the dogs trick, so it decides to go inside the tigers lair and tell it the truth in exchange for some free food. The clever dog though, being aware of the monkeys presence, decides to follow it, resulting the dog to hear the monkey-tigers dialogue. A few hours later the tiger rushes in the jungle in hopes of finding the dog. The tiger finds the clever dog (which was pretending that didnt see the tiger) and it was about to strike when the dog all of a sudden says Where the hell is this monkey?! I told it to bring me a tiger and it didnt lure in a single one!!! The tale of the clever dog
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, ‘Where have you been?’ God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’ ‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’ ‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. ‘For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’ God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’ The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s that?’ ‘Ah,’ said God. That’s the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’ Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’ God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South! Northerners
Once upon a time, there was an unlucky, unlucky man. Wherever he went, his infamous fortune was sure to follow. And on top of that, he had a single lonely testicle. One day, as the unlucky man was flying transatlantic, his plane began to stall. The pilots decided that someone must be thrown off for the plane to keep flying. They all drew straws. The man got the black one. Protesting, This is unfair! This must be repeated! , he said before he drew the black straw again. After this process was repeated multiple times with the same results, the man proposed desperately: Ok, I will jump off on one condition. You guess correctly the sum of the testicles I and the guy opposite of me possess and I’ll do it. Everyone laughed. You must be kidding, it’s four , they all said, joyful that this hassle was about to end. Then the man smiled and said Joke’s on you! , proceeding to whoop out his one ball. Right in time before the other man whooped out his three balls. PS. Because the languages are incredibly different, telling this joke meant I had to arrange the delivery all by myself. I would appreciate it if you could critique how good the delivery of the joke was, even if you found it unfunny 🙂 (Risque) Tragedy of the world’s unluckiest man: Turkish joke
Once upon a time, there were four people on an air plane. the pilot announces that the plane is going to crash. the four people on the plane are, the richest man in the world, a little boy, the smartest man in the world and the pope. the plane only has three parachutes, the richest man in the world stands up and says I’m the richest man in the world! I need to live. he grabs a parachute and jumps out. the smartest man in the world says I’m the smartest man in the world! I need to live. he takes a parachute and jumps out. the pope turns to the young boy and says Child, you have so much more life then I do, take the last parachute the boy, totally oblivious to the situation, turns to the pope and says oh, no need to worry. the smartest man in the world took my backpack The Air plane
Once upon a time, there were three friends who decided they would go for a hunting trip. On this trip they would only eat what they could kill and only drink what they could devine. After three days in the woods, these three friends had not eaten or drank anything, dissorientated from dehydration and lack of sustenance, they became lost. Eventually they stumbled upon a cabin in an otherwise desolate part of the forest. Excited at the prospect of food, the three hunters approached the cabin and knocked on the door. An old and notably discusting woman answered the door rather irrately demanding they explain themselves. One of the hunters explained their situation and plead with her for food and water. The old woman told them that she had more than enough food and water to spare…in return she required sexual satisfaction from at least one of them. Two of the men said, Hell no, look at her she has to be at least 70 years old. The third man, having no shame, said, Fuck it, y’all can starve, I’m going to get some food. So the old woman graciously lead the man into her house and up a flight of stairs into her bedroom. As she stripped and sprawled out on the bed, the man noticed a horrific looking scab over her vagina, and in shock yelled, WHAT THE HELL. Noting to himself mentally that it looked strangly like a small pepperoni pizza. The woman explained that it was nothing serious just something that came with old age telling him, Don’t worry about it honey, just tear it off. Doing as instructed the young man threw the discusting scab out the window and began to make the old womans day. Upon completion of this horrific task the man emerged from the cabin with large sacks of groceries and bottles of water. He then noticed his friends were laughing their asses off and asked why. They replied, While you were up there fucking that nasty old bitch, someone threw us down a pepperoni pizza. Three hunters…it’s long but worth it…
One businessman says to the other, You should take your wife into the bathroom and have sex with her. The other man replies, Right now? On an airplane? It’s been a long time since we’ve done that. C’mon, do it! The first man says. Alright, but how am supposed to do that? Isn’t it going to be difficult? the other man replies. It’s easy, the first man says. Just close your eyes and pretend she’s your secretary Two businessmen are on a plane with their wives
One day a Blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island. All of a sudden a magic Genie comes to them and will grant them one wish to get off the island. The Brunette jumps up and says I wanna go first! so she jumps up and screams airplane and she turns into an airplane and flies away. The Redhead jumps of the island and says BIRD! and she turns into a bird and flies away. The Blonde jumps of the cliff looks down and becomes super scared and screams SHIT! A blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island…
One day a squirrel and a bear find a genie lamp in the middle of a forest, and they both decide to rub it. Soon after they rubbed it a magical genie comes out and decides to grant them 3 wishes each. The squirrel goes first and says, I want a motorcycle , and the genie grants him the wish. The bear goes next and tells the genie, I wish that all of the other bears in the forest were women The genie then grants that wish as well. The squirrel goes next and wishes for a helmet for his bike, and then recieves the helmet. The bear goes next and says, I wish all of the girl bears were hot , and the genie grants the bear’s second wish. The genie then tells them both they have one wish left. The squirrel let the bear go next, and the bear wishes to be the most attractive male bear on the planet, and so his wish was granted. And with the final wish the squirrel says with a big smile across his face, I wish the bear was gay A squirrel and a bear find a genie
One day Aeroplane, Helicopter and Rocket are gathered at a place. Why you flying slowly than us? , asked Helicopter and Rocket to Aeroplane. Because I have humans in my stomach , replied Aeroplane. Why you are flying too high in the sky? , asked Aeroplane and Rocket to Helicopter. Because I have a propeller in my heart , replied Helicopter. Why are you flying too fast in the sky? , asked Helicopter and Aeroplane to Rocket. Because I have fire on my buttocks , replied Rocket. Aeroplane, Helicopter and Rocket discussion about their parts…..
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off! Blind Pilot
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. ; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking. Lil Johnny..
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. ; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking. Uncle Ted
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well Johnny replied, don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he has been drinking. Little Johnny And Morals.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Don’t f**k with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking. But Doctor, Bill replied, I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do? After a moment the doctor said, Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day. Excitedly Bill asked, And that will cure me? No, replied the doctor, but it will get you used to the dirt. A LESSON IN MORALS
One day Johnny is bothering his mother around the house, so she suggests he go watch the workers who were building a house across the street. Johnny does so, and when he returns, his mother asks him if he’s learned anything. Yeah, says Johnny. Some asshole made the door opening too tight, so you have to plane a cunt hair off the sides and top. Johnny’s mom is astounded at his language, and sends him to his room to await his father’s return from work. Whe he comers home,his Dad asks Johnny if he really said these things. Sure , Johnny says His Dad replies, Ok, Johnny, I guess you didn’t give me any choice. Go outside and get me a switch. Fuck you , says Johnny, that’s the electrician’s job. Johnny is a carpenter
One day Paraguay decides to declare war on china and they send a message to the Chinese saying: Watch your back, we’re declaring war against you. We have 105 tanks, 47 planes that can actually fly, 4 boats that can sail, and 5200 soldiers. The Chinese write back We accept. But we have 180,000 tanks, 1800 planes, 7900 ships, and 25 million soldiers To which Paraguay replies Nevermind, we withdraw our declaration of war… there’s no way we could feed so many prisoners Paraguay Declares War on China
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one. Cute plane
One day, a Muslim dies, and goes to heaven. As he enters the gates, he sees a man with a halo and wings. He cries: Muhamet! It’s you! and the man chuckles and replies No, I’m only Saint Peter. Muhamet is upstairs. The Muslim then goes up the flight of stairs and sees another man. He cries: Muhamet! It’s you! and the man chuckles and replies No, I’m Jesus Christ. Muhamet is upstairs. The Muslim is pleased: Muhamet is on an upper level than Jesus Christ, take that, Christians! He proceeds to go up another level, where he sees a tall man who looks all powerful. He cries: Muhamet! It’s you! and the man chuckles and replies No, no no no. I’m God. Muhamet is upstairs. Wow, Muhamet is bigger than God! God then asks All that stair climbing must have made you thirsty though… Care for some coffee? to which the Islamist thanks him and agrees. God then turns his head up and says Muhamet! Two coffees, please! An Islamist dies and goes to heaven…
One day, A taxi driver picked up a tourist in a airport and the tourist told the driver to drive him to the hotel. While on the way to the hotel the tourist started bragging about his stuff he owns. Tourist: you see this camera? It can take 120 frames per second video, very fast! The driver just nodded and continued driving. Tourist: i have a sport car that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds, very fast! The driver just nodded and kept silent Tourist: i also have a phone that can download a full length movie under 3 minutes, very fast! The driver just nodded and stayed quiet. Soon the driver finally arrived at the hotel and the tourist pulls out his wallet and to his surprise the taximeter showed that it cost nearly 1000 dollars in total. Tourist: why is it very expensive?! The taxi driver slowly turns around and looks at him with a big smile and said Driver: Taximeter, very fast! Taxi driver and the tourist
One day, a teenage boy goes to his father- a rabbi at their small town’s only synagogue- and says Father, it pains me to say this, but I’ve decided to convert to Christianity. The Rabbi, with no idea what to do, decides to walk ten miles to a much larger city, where he found a synagogue much larger than his own. He says to the rabbi there Rabbi, rabbi! My son has become a christian! Whatever shall I do? In reply, the other rabbi tell him Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, the rabbi of the largest synagogue in the state should have some answers for us. So, both rabbis take a road trip to the largest synagogue in the state. They say to the rabbi: Rabbi, rabbi! Both of our sons have converted Christianity! Whatever shall we do? And the rabbi says Well, funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, we’ll catch a plane to Jerusalem and get this sorted out. So, all three rabbis fly from the US to Jerusalem. They find the oldest, wisest rabbi they can, and in unison, cry out Rabbi, rabbi! Our sons have converted to Christianity! Whatever shall we do? And the old rabbi says Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come, let us go to the Wailing Wall. God will surely have an answer to such a conundrum. So, all four rabbis run as fast as they can to the Wailing Wall and drop to their knees, shouting to the sky Holy father! Our sons have left us for Christianity! Whatever shall we do in these times of darkness? And God replies: Funny you should ask! Rabbi, rabbi
One day, a terrorist on a plane attempted to blow up a building. The terrorist had an apple, an orange, and a bomb with him. Before they reached the destination, the terrorist’s plot was discovered. However, he was able to throw the apple, the orange, and the bomb out of the plane’s door. On the ground, a police officer was on patrol in the middle of a small town when he saw a little girl crying alongside the road. Little girl, are you okay? The little girl, fighting back tears, said, I was just walking when all of a sudden an apple fell from the sky and hit me on the head! This puzzled the police officer, as no apples grew in this part of the state. The officer continued his patrol, until he saw another girl crying hysterically. The police officer questioned this child as well. I was walking my dog and an orange hit me. Where’d it come from!? This is very odd , thought the officer. After a few short minutes, the police officer came upon another child along the road, however, this young boy was laughing hysterically. Why are you laughing so hard? Did fruit fall on you too? The little boy replied, No, officer! Daddy farted and the house blew up! The apple, the orange, and the bomb
One day, his co-worker Ben got sick of him and said Oh yeah?! Prove it! to which Steve calmly replied: Okay, wanna come with me to visit Justin Timberlake tomorrow? Ben agreed, if only because Steve was paying for both of their tickets to Los Angeles. The next day, Ben remained skeptical all the way until they arrived at JT’s mansion and knocked on the door. Justin Timberlake himself answered and said Hey! Steve! I haven’t seen you in forever! before pulling him into a hug. He then proceeded to invite Steve and Ben for breakfast. After getting over his initial shock, Ben reasoned it was only a coincidence, and it didn’t mean he knew any others. For all he knew he could gave gone to high-school with him. Ben then dared Steve to take him to the white house and show him he knew President Obama. Steve replied Sure! I haven’t seen Barrack in a while, so that very day they arrived in Washington DC. Upon arriving at the airport, the President himself drove up to pick the pair up in his black limo. Hey Steve, he said, Haven’t seen you in years, what’s up? He then proceeded to clear his schedule for the day so he could catch up with Steve. At this point, Ben was almost convinced, so as a final test, he asked Steve to take him to the Vatican to see the Pope. The next day, they arrived in Vatican City and joined a large mass of people from all over the world who were eagerly awaiting the Pope’s speech. This won’t do, he’ll never see me from here! Steve exclaimed, so he pushed through the crowd to get to the balcony where the Pope was to be. Several minutes of waiting later, both the Pope and Steve are on the balcony, waving to those below. Suddenly, a man next to Ben asked Who the fuck is that guy next to Steve on the balcony?! Steve was always bragging about how he knew virtually any famous person you could name.
One day, on an Irish farm, a horse was watching MTV through the farmer’s window. He watched a music video made by The Beatles and was amazed. I could play guitar like that said the Horse to himself and spent a year learning how to play guitar. Satisfied by what he achieved, he showed his work to the chicken. That’s amazing! said the chicken, I bet I could put some vocals on that if I practiced! . The chicken then took a year of its life to learn how to sing while the Horse played.They then decided to show the pig. Thats so cool! said the pig, but it’s missing something… I know! Drums! The pig then decided to take a year out of his life to learn how to play the drums with the other two.The three then proceeded to show the Sheep, who was amazed by this. She also decided to learn how to play the bass guitar with the rest of the animals. In this time they formed a band, and decided to tour the farm for 4 years, playing for a little extra money on the side, before the Horse got a call from a music agency. They finally got their big break to play at a famous music festival in America. The horse decided to make sure everything was going as planned, and flew over to America to set up stage and confirm their hotel reservations, playing time etc. After his hard few days, he sat in his Hotel room watching the news. On the news their was a report that an airplane had crashed into the Atlantic ocean. There were no survivors from the wreck. He suddenly realised that it was the plane that the Chicken, the Sheep and the Pig were on. Realising that he spent most of his horse life doing something that just went up in flames, he decided he needed a VERY stiff drink. He went down to the hotel bar, asking the bar man for the strongest drink he had. A few minutes later the barman came back and placed the drink on the countertop. He then proceeded to dry a glass, asking the horse a question So, why the long face? One day, on an Irish farm….
One day, there was a reasonably attractive woman on board an airliner that just so happened to be crashing. As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can’t help her need to feel like a woman one last time. Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one last time!?!?!? , she hollered. A man a few rows behind her hastily got out of his seat as much as he could to take his shirt off and blurted; HERE, IRON THIS!!! Wants to feel like a woman one last time before her plane crashes…
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’ I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’ So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… ‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’ She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’ Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’ We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’ I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’ Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’ I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’ And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’ Apparently I’m not having sex tonight. Not having sex tonight
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT?! What was that?! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That’s fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier . I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I don’t feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either. Marriage, sex and money…
One night Holmes and Watson decide to go camping. They set up their tent and fall asleep. After hearing a noise in the middle of the night they both wake up. Holmes points up and asks Watson what he is able to deduce. Watson looks at the sky at sees thousands of stars. Watson says Given the amount of stars in the universe and the amount of planets that orbit around them, there must be other life in the universe. Holmes sighs and says No you idiot, someone stole our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping
ONE of the BEST JOKES EVER!! Hasn’t been posted in the last 3 days.. so here it goes! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock & Watson go Camping! Best joke ever
One of the girls asked me if I had a melting Klondike in my pocket or was just happy to see her. I had once again forgotten to visit the convenience store before my flight. [NSFW] I went to Pyongyang to sample the night life.
One of the plane’s engines fails, and the plane begins to go down. During the rapid descent, the teacher stands up and exclaims, We must save the children! . The lawyer then stands and says, Fuck the children! . Upon hearing this, the Catholic priest rises and asks, Do we have time?! . A teacher, a lawyer, and a Catholic priest are on a plane.
One of them said, hey why don’t we go down and explore that planet? The other replied, are you crazy? The inhabitants of that planet fight over skin colour being black or white. We’re purple. What do you think they gonna do to us? Two aliens were flying over earth in their spaceship.
One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for your patience. All seems fine until an hour later, when another loud explosion sounds. The pilot once again comes over the intercom and says, Hey there, folks. No need to be alarmed; we lost another engine, but rest assured this airplane is still perfectly safe. Unfortunately this makes our delay an hour longer. Thank you four your cooperation. Another hour goes by without incident, when there is another explosion. This is your Pilot once again…we lost our third of four engines, but don’t worry at all, we are still in good shape. I am sorry to inform you that we will once again be delayed and it will take us five hours to get to our destination. We apologize and thank you for flying with us. One passenger turns to the next and says, At this rate we’ll be up here forever! Edit: Fixed punchline. Thanks worthless_noob! you are not worthless at all! An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly…
One said the the other if the plane flies upside down, would we fall out? The other replies, no we’d still be friends. Two brothers were sitting on a plane
One time I was on an airplane, and during the flight the pilot’s voice came on through the plane’s PA system. The pilot sounded like a friendly man, and he said, Good afternoon everybody, this is your captain speaking. The flight is going well and we are on schedule, but we do expect a brief pocket of turbulence coming up so we ask that you do remain in your seats until the seatbelt indicator turns off. Thank you! After a few seconds, the pilot’s voice filled the airplane cabin again, except this time his use of the PA system was clearly not intentional. The pilot said, to his co-pilot, You know what I could really use right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee. The cabin grew restless, some people in shock, some people laughing to themselves. One of the flight attendants stood up from the back of the plane and ran up the aisle towards the cockpit. Then the man sitting across from me shouted out to the flight attendant, hey sweetheart, don’t forget to play with his balls! Airplane Pilot
One turns to the other and says You have the suicide jacket on, correct? The other pats his chest, but a look of horror washes up on his face. Mahmood! I don’t have the jacket! Your detonator is useless! Calm down Abdul. Have this. He hands him 6 can of beans. Mahmood, what trickery is this? Eat all the cans and wait 30 minutes. Go to the lavatory. Why? How will that further Allah’s will? Abdul, if you can’t bomb the plane, you can at least bomb the bathroom. 2 terrorists sit down next to each other on a plane.
One was black, one was white, and one was asian. It was a very old airplane and it started to malfunction. The pilot told everyone on board to throw something away so the airplane can lose weight. The black man threw away 2 packs of cigarettes and the white man asked why’d you do that? . The black man replies we have too many of these in our country. The asian man throws away a pack of instant noodles and the black man asked why’d you do that? He replied we have too much of these in our country. The white man reached in his suitcase, but he only had his laptop, a gold ring that he is about to give to his wife, and some clothes. So he throws the black man overboard and the asian man asks why’d you do that? The white guy replies we have too many of these in our country. There were 3 men on an airplane. [slightly racist]
Only if they planet. If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they’d have a Sun?
Only one man survives. He takes refuge in an oasis not far from the crash site. Luckily he finds lots of food and water to last him a while. After a few weeks his need for food and water is still being satisfied, but one of his other basic needs comes calling. He feels extremely horny. One day a camel arrives at his oasis, and since it’s the only fuckable thing in endless miles of empty desert he decides to give it a shot. Problem is, every time he tries to fuck it, the camel moves out of the way. Some time later another plane crashes nearby, and one extremely hot woman survives. The man rescues her and takes her to the oasis. She is very grateful and says: – you’ve saved my life, I would do anything to thank you! – by anything…you mean, like, anything? The woman realizes what he is asking for and seductively responds – yes, anything. – can you hold that camel still for me? a plane crashes in the middle of a desert
