Why Did the Plane Cross the Road? Find Out Here

By: Philip
Time to read: 53 min.

I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode I just asked Siri Surely it’s not going to rain today? . Siri replied It is, and don’t call me Shirley.

I go to a Salvation Army, looking to buy a Swiss Army knife. There’s a Russian guy working the front, I smile you know and whatever. I find what I’m looking for and begin to pull out the attachments to see what I’m working with. I know none of the tools attached to this device and I’m flabbergasted by the fact, seeming to be unaware of the usefulness of this device. I mean it could save my life in a threatening situation and I have no idea which thing does what. I bring it to the Russian man whose checking out clothes to see if he knows anything about this mysterious object. I say hey I’m confused about most of the things in this Swiss Army knife, do you have any idea what they do? To which he responds no, no, is not Switzerland Army Knife, is Bulgarian People’s Armed Union Knife. Wow, I think to myself, I didn’t know the Bulgarians had a resource like this. He starts to take apart this unknown piece of history and explains the relevance of each tool. I’m amazed, because most of the definitions he gives for each separate section seem completely useless. … This, this car key for universal soviet auto machine, parked every 30 miles from the last, all comrades had a ride home. At this point I’m driving myself crazy with this new information, what the fuck did I get myself into? This guy is crazy. Then, it gets better, he pulls out a part of the knife, it’s just a thin, flat piece of metal with no apparent end, not a can open, not a knife, not even a fucking nail file. He says to me ah, yis, this is most useful part of Bulgarian survival mechanism.. Screwdriver. Finally! Something I know, but what the fuck how the hell is that a screwdriver. At this point I’m in autopilot, I don’t know how to handle the situation, so I say that doesn’t look like a very good screwdriver. He gives me the most stern look I’ve ever been exposed too. He says Boy, thees is the best thing to use when stranded and no way to find de people… You detach the screw and it walks to the nearest screwdriver. You find ride very fast. I decided I was going to go hiking

I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes. How are you going to celebrate 9-11?

I got lost and sat on the wrong seat twice, I banged my head on the overhead compartment (twice) and walked right up to the cockpit door mid flight because I couldn’t find the toilets, and the flight attendant got upset at me. Then, I left the plane at the destination and forgot to get my bag from under the seat, so I had to wait til everyone had left and then the FA wouldn’t let me go back and get it, said she would get it for me. Asked me where I was sitting, and I didn’t have my ticket stub, so I just said In the back and she looked at me as if to say Well you sure as fuck weren’t up the front, were you? I cried at home and almost quit the co-pilot job the following day. The first time I went on a plane, I was such a caveman about it.

I gotta catch a plane What did the left tower say to the right tower?

I hate 9/11 because my cousins died doing their favorite thing… Flying Planes. Why I hate 9/11…..

I have a relatively common name as my gmail address and got this one as an email forward from a total stranger: A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, ‘I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.’ She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, ‘You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago ‘ The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: ‘You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.’ The nun says to herself, ‘I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.’ she sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, ‘this is incredible, I’ve got to try this again.’ Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, ‘You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to chicago, and you are going to break wind.’ Now she knows the machine is wrong, she thought to herself, ‘iIve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.’ But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, ‘This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.’ She went back to the machine,put in another nickel and another card came out. It read: ‘You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago’ Nun at the Airport

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans (look it up) were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg! I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. How many Indians could there be? said by General Custer. Looks like a good day for a drive! by JFK. There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access! by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks. Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair – ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

I have three really great story jokes that I rely on to break the ice with a new group of people. It always works. At the very worst, you will get some groaning chuckles. Make sure you read each of the jokes to the finish! The payoff is great. **Bob’s Brick** There’s this guy named Bob. Bob has terrible OCD. Bob also has a terrible desire to own a brick patio. His OCD prevents him from trusting anyone else to make the plan for his patio, so he sets to work for hours drawing up the perfect plan, measuring it out down to the last brick. Finishing his plan, he finds that he will need exactly 99 bricks to build his patio. So he calls up Acme Bricks and says, I need exactly 99 bricks! Well, sir, we only sell bricks in palettes of 100. We don’t sell them in any other amounts. Is that okay? Oh no, no no no. That won’t do. I need 99 bricks. I’m not going to use that extra brick. What am I supposed to do with an extra brick? It has to be exactly 99 bricks. Well, sir, what if you break a brick while you’re working? It will be good to have a spare. Believe me, lady, I won’t break a brick. I’m careful. I need 99 bricks. At this point the lady is becoming impatient and just wants to sell him the palette, so she says, I’ll tell you what, sir. If you finish building your patio and you still have that brick left over you can send it back to us for a refund. Deal, says Bob! A week passes and the 100-brick palette arrives. Bob immediately sets to work laying each brick, meticulously measuring everything, gingerly handling each brick. Hours later, Bob has a beautiful new patio, but just as he said, he is left with one extra brick. Bob calls up Acme Bricks. Listen, I got one brick left and I was told I could get a refund! I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t offer refunds. After much back and forth, Bob eventually is forced to give up his hope of a refund. And so it came to be that he couldn’t return the one brick. That one singular red brick. Bob sits the brick on the kitchen counter and has a bite to eat. As he washes the dishes he finds that he can’t take his eyes off the brick, and as a result he has accidentally been using a fork to wash his plate. Angered by this, he grabs the brick and runs into the living room, placing the brick on the coffee table. He goes back to washing dishes in peace. Later, he is sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune, but he can’t seem to guess any of the phrases because all he can think about is that stupid brick staring at him from the coffee table. He grabs it and takes it to the bathroom, putting it on the back of the toilet. Later that evening, he is trying to take a whizz, and he can’t even AIM for the sight of the brick on the back of the toilet. This being the last straw, he grabs the brick, runs outside, screams at the heavens and he throws the brick straight up into the air!! **Carl the Conductor** There was once a man named Carl. Carl always wanted to be a trolley conductor, so he went to trolley conductor school. There he studied hard and graduated at the top of his class. When he graduated he had trolley companies lining up for him to come conduct for them. Eventually he settles on the Red Trolley Company in New York City. Years pass without incident until one day Carl accidentally ran over and killed none other than Regis Philbin. Now, as everyone knows, Regis Philbin has some exceptionally fanatical fans, and as a result Carl was placed on death row for his crime. Carl was a model inmate, never causing trouble and even starting a knitting club with the other death row inmates. As a result of this, Eugene the executioner took a liking to Carl. This made it sad for Eugene when Carl’s day to be electrocuted came. Eugene decided that he would offer Carl one favor, and it could be anything, before he took the chair. Carl thought about it, and he said, Eugene, there is one thing in this entire world that I can think of that I want right now, and it’s a blueberry plucked from the depths of the Amazon rainforest. If I could have that, I can die a happy man. Eugene dutifully climbed aboard a plane and flew to the Amazon and hiked into the heart of the Amazon rain forest where he found a beautiful glade filled with blueberries. He picked a few and returned to New York. He gave the berries to Carl, and Carl appreciatively ate them with a big smile on his face. With everything ready to go, Eugene tearfully pulled the lever and the chair zipped and zapped, but when it was finished Carl was miraculously unharmed! Given that there was no legal precedence for the situation, and given that technically Carl served out his sentence, Carl was released from prison a free man. It took some convincing, but Carl managed to land a job at the Yellow Trolley Company in New Jersey, where he did a fantastic job conducting until one day he accidentally ran over and killed none other than Snooki. Now there aren’t *many* fans of Snooki, but the ones that exist are the most rabid and vicious fans in the world, and so Carl found himself on death row again. Eventually it came time to go to the electric chair again. A few days before the execution, he was approached by the executioner: Eugene. Eugene explained that he had been fired from his job in New York because the failure of the electric chair was blamed on him, but he had no hard feelings toward Carl. He took at as a sign that they would end up in the same place together again, and he offered Carl the same offer, and Carl had the same request. Returning from the Amazon with the blueberries, Eugene allowed Carl to eat them, and he flipped the switch again, unsure what to expect. Sure enough, Carl survived yet again, and found himself a free man. Carl found a job at the Green Trolley Company in California. Believe it or not, he accidentally ran yet another person over. This time it was none other than the Governator himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Needless to say, Carl found himself facing the chair again. A few days before his execution, he was approached by his old friend Eugene the executioner, who once again was fired and once again wound up in the same place. Eugene said, Carl, I know I’m going to regret this, but you want those berries again, don’t you? Carl nodded, and Eugene, once again, made a trip to the Amazon. On the day of the execution, Carl had his berries and Eugene flipped the switch. To everyone’s surprise but Carl and Eugene, Carl was unharmed! Just as they were about to let Carl go, Eugene stopped him and said, Carl, listen, you owe me this. You gotta tell me how you are doing this! Carl stopped for a moment, thought about it, and said, Gee, Eugene. I don’t know… I guess I’m just a terrible conductor. **Fred’s Flight** There’s this guy named Fred. Fred has an interview to get to in Japan, and he’s taking an overnight flight to get there. Fred decides he’s going to try to sleep on the flight so he’ll be well rested and ready for the interview first thing in the morning. He boards his flight and takes his seat next to this sweet little old lady. Ahh, he thinks, she certainly won’t be a problem. The flight takes off and, Fred leans back, closing his eyes, drifting off to sleep… *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred starts awake and looks around for the source of the sound. He notices that the old lady has carried a small dog onto the plane in her purse! Listen lady, I’m trying to get some sleep over here. I have a very important interview in the morning! The lady apologizes profusely and hushes the dog. Fred drifts back to sleep… Fred is skipping nude through fields of daisy, dancing with the woodland creatures. A dog comes to join the dance. It looks at him. It opens its mouth. *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred groans, waking up, and looks at the old lady sternly. I told you, I have to get my sleep! Shut the dog up or I’ll shut him up! The lady hushes the dog, and Fred dozes back off… Fred is at a French cafe on the waterfront, having a romantic dinner with his favorite supermodel. He leans in for a ki– *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred wakes up! He reaches over and grabs the little mutt and runs to the door of the plane. He opens the door and throws the dog out! Returning to his seat, he tells the crying old woman that he will buy her a new dog when they get to Japan. After a little bit, the man falls asleep again… He’s back in high school… he’s in the cafeteria… everyone is shouting Look! Look! and he realizes he’s completely naked! He wakes up and sees everyone gathered around a window shouting Look! Look! Fred pushes to the front and looks out the window, wondering what they could be seeing… he finally gets a glimpse: It’s the brick! ———— See, didn’t I tell you it would all pay off!? I love these jokes. Sorry for the wasted time! Now go use them to waste someone else’s! Three Great Story Jokes

I heard as soon as you get off the plane you get lei’d. I’m excited to go to Hawaii

I just can stop lauging at the planets name. The Uranus hokes will never get old

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I just got back from a pleasure trip

I know that this will be long, but its totally worth it. So, their is this traveler, by the name of John, who loves travelling around the world. He has been to 153 countries and seen what their is to see (Eiffel tower, Statue of Liberty, Taj Mahal, Great wall of China etc.) He has previously been to Australia before, but didn’t see Uluru (he was only their for three days) So, he decided to go from New York-Sydney-Alice Springs-Uluru. He went by QANTAS, you need to remember this, also the total flight time was around 30 hours. When he gets to Alice Springs, he gets a taxi, to his hotel (the fee was $45.03) and checks in. He gets to his room, (his room number is 145A) and unpacks all of his clothes and puts on a new pair of clothes. He has a rest and then decides to go and visit Uluru, the main reason he went there in the first place. He goes there, takes some really good photos, and then comes back to his hotel. He then gets some dinner, because he is hungry. He goes to a restaurant called ‘Sounds of Silence’. He orders a medium-rare steak, and some chips as a side. It takes about 20 minutes for the food to get to him (not bad imo) and eats his food. He then pays a sum of $14.50 and goes back to his hotel. He decides to have a shower. After the shower he goes into bed and starts reading a book. After about 30 minutes he starts getting tired and decides to go to sleep. He goes to sleep. After about one hour of sleeping, he gets waken up by a eerie noise (kind of like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPZ7SIr96EY ) He nods of again but the is waken AGAIN by the same noise an hour later. This happens all through the night. Its now morning and it is pretty clear that he wants to know what that sound was coming from. He has breakfast, has a shower, gets dressed and packs up (he is going on a flight to Greenland on the same day) He goes to the lobby and checks out. He the asked the receptionist this: *John: Last night, I was awoken every hour by an eerie sound, do you know where the sound was coming from? *Receptionist: Im sorry, I cannot tell you, you have to be a priest. *John: Oh, ok. Thanks anyway So John left, still wondering what that sound was. It is right now that I should tell you that John was a very eager man, and wanted to know everything. So, he decided to become a priest. After another month or two, he decides to go to the Vatican city, to become a priest. After two years of vigorous training to become a priest, he is given his priest licence by the Pope. So, John gets on the first flight to Uluru, exited about finally finding out what made that sound. He gets to the Alice Springs airport and goes to the hotel where he was previously staying at. He goes up to the receptionist, and shows him his priest licence. The receptionist then gives him a key to a room on the third hallway, saying that what was inside that room was making the noise. He gets into the elevator and goes to the third floor. He gets to the room. This is what was inside the room: http://imgur.com/gS4KtRz A Priest and Uluru joke/riddle

I live in a fairly remote part of the world that happens to have an international airport. Parents let their kids loose all the time and the other day I heard a mother say to her friend Oh don’t worry we’re in [insert small town]! .. I don’t feel like it’s safer, I just think pedophiles haven’t figured out the new meta yet. Rural airports meta…

I mean thanks guys. Driving around on flying motor cycles and letting use fossil fuels until we fuck up the planet. Thanks guys. I don’t even wanna go to Hogwarts any more Have you ever wondered why wizards are such snobs?

I never thought that monopoly is such a realistic game until I saw Greece selling it’s airport Monopoly

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane. So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris…

I proposed that we meet up, but she said that she didn’t have enough money to buy a plane ticket to the USA. I then wired 10,000$ to her, and she stopped responding. Great, she’s on the plane over right now! Edit: My god redditors don’t have a sense of sarcasm So I met this Chinese girl on an online dating site.

I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed I got a new German cell phone

I said no, they ain’t safe around planes. My math teacher asked should we trust a radical?

I said that it was just too plane for me. The flight attendant asked why I wasn’t eating my food.

I said, Serena, what’s your favourite planet? She said, It’s Venus. I said, Oh sorry, Venus, what’s your favourite planet? I went up to Serena Williams.

I saw that there were fat guys sitting around my seat. Realizing it was a long flight, and not wanting the uncomfortable inconvenience, I found another seat and sat there. This guy came up to me and said Excuse me. You’re in my seat . I said Excuse me. Fuck off He said Well then, fly the fucking plane yourself .. Boarding the plane

I started at the orange juice factory but couldn’t concentrate, Being a tailor just didn’t suit me, I couldn’t cut it as a barber, I didn’t have the foundations to be an architect, I just didn’t have enough patients to be a doctor, I felt soleless in the shoe factory, I couldn’t hack it as a lumberjack, I couldn’t keep my eye on the job as an optician, Being an electrician was shocking, Sewage maintenance was just draining, I just wasn’t taking off as a pilot, My spell as a wizard didn’t work, Working at a coffee shop was too much of a grind, I didn’t make the grade as a teacher, I didn’t have the thyme to be a chef, My career as a comedian was a joke, I couldn’t see a future being a historian, And now I’m an archaeologist and my future lies in ruins! Finding a job is difficult…

I think they’re PLANE wrong! *sigh* EDIT: GRAMMAR CORRECTION You guys should stop with the 9/11 jokes.

I thought we wanted to keep them off our planes, not on them. Why aren’t we letting Islamic people get off at airports?

I told him that statistically, the modern airplane is more afraid of us than we are of it. I had a friend who had a fear of flying.

I used to put out fires at the local airport and I had marshmallows in my toolbox. They thought I was a little weird, but I told ’em More often than not, you’re just gonna sit back and watch it burn anyway, might as well have some marshmallows. One day an experimental plane crashed with six passengers, they burned up pretty bad and the chief brought us fried chicken for lunch. Nobody really wanted fried chicken for lunch after seeing those bodies, I think he was a bit on the mean side. Besides, I had just had marshmallows. Ask me if I’m a fire truck.

I used to put out fires at the local airport and I had marshmallows in my toolbox. They thought I was a little weird, but I told ’em More often than not, you’re just gonna sit back and watch it burn anyway, might as well have some marshmallows. One day an experimental plane crashed with six passengers, they burned up pretty bad and the chief brought us fried chicken for lunch. Nobody really wanted fried chicken for lunch after seeing those bodies, I think he was a bit on the mean side. Besides, I had just had marshmallows. My barber said this today

I walked into an airport with two bags: I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris. Sir, you can’t do that. Why not? It happened the last time. Free shipping?

I want to Australia for holiday. I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: Do you have a criminal record? I responded: Oh. I didn’t realise that was still a requirement. So I recently went to Australia…

I wanted to switch seats on the plane last week because of a crying baby. The stewardess said no… just because it was my baby Asked to switch seats.

I was a Pan Am 552 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don’t recall call signs any longer): Lufthansa: (In German) Ground, what is our start clearance time? Ground: (In English) If you want an answer you must speak English. Lufthansa: (In English) I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English? Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) Because you lost the bloody war! Ground Control

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy. We must follow our policy. . .

I was on a flight from fort Worth to Detroit. Got to our cruising altitude of 38,000 then the wing fell off. We are going down. This girl stands up in the front of the plane, hottest little white thang i have ever seen, she says I want a man to make me feel like a real women before I die. I am a pretty stellar looking gentleman so I stand up and start walking towards her. I unbutton my shirt, take it off and hand it to her, then I say iron this and get me a beer. Best flight ever! So I was on a flight tonight.

I was on an airplane, flying out to Europe or wherever, and the pilot had finished making his announcements. Thing was, he forgot to turn off the microphone, so everyone heard what he said to the copilot, which was something like Man, all I want right now is a blowjob and a cup of coffee. Well, the stewardess ran up the aisle to tell him he’d left the microphone on, and as she passed my aisle I said to her, Hey, hon, you forgot the coffee. So I was on an airplane…

I was on an international flight headed back to the US the other day. During mid-flight, the flight attendant handed me a plate with some hot, steamy teriyaki chicken over rice. I was hungry and everything tasted so good, so I said, this chicken is THE BOMB . Next thing I know, I was being detained by the TSA and spent hours in the interrogation room. On a plane the other day, this is what I said

I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess fuckin’ goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee! I was on this place once…

I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee! From Good Will Hunting I was on this plane once

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable… A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, Ah perhaps you should listen to some music , then she walked away. So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked, Would you like some headphones? I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said, yes, but how did you know my name was Phones? (end) ba-dum-tiss I’ll see myself out It was my first time riding a plane…

I was taking a plane inside of the US, after the Pilot finshed talking in the microphone regarding security he forgot to turn it off. He had no idea the microphone was on and said to his COpilot I could really use a blowjob and some coffee right now . A stewardess rushed through the plane to tell him that he forgot to turn of the microphone. While she’s running one of the passengers yells Don’t forget the coffee! From the move Good will hunting Pilots are workers too

I was talking to my marine friend about his training and he tells me this story about going to jump school, (learning to jump out of planes). So we climb in the plane with all out gear on and it takes off. This is our first actual jump after a few simulations and dry runs. Everyone is nervous. Our instructor is this huge army ranger, must’ve been 6’9, really built and intimidating. We are getting close to the drop zone so he moves to the door and yells, ‘Five minutes!’ I’m getting super nervous and I lean forward and yell, ‘I don’t think I can do this!’ His head snaps toward me and he stomps over, grabs me by the collar and stands me up, his face gets real close to mine and he’s looking me in the eyes, ‘You’re going to jump out of this plane or I’m going to jam my 10 inch cock all the way up your ass. He pauses here and I’m waiting for the story to finish so I ask, Well, did you jump? My friend looks at me and says, Yea….But only for the first inch or so… Jump School (NSFW)

I wished upon a star the other night, but it never came true! Turns out it was a planet. I felt duped. I guess that’s why they call it Jupiter. Wish upon a star.

I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this: All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska’s thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it’s just a matter of a pinion. Difference Between Ravens and Crows

I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this: All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska’s thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it’s just a matter of a pinion. What is flat, at the center of the universe, and warming?

I work on a different plane What did the magician say to the aerial student?

I’d say my favourite movie, is the one with an ominous black figure, with a red lightsaber, that is an apprentice, to the truly higher dark side force user. In the movie a rag tag hero from a desert planet, wields a lightsaber to duel with the possibly related bad guy. Then two well known heroes help them and guide him/her. My favourite movie is the phantom menace. My favourite movie. [SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS 7]

If a mummy cat and daddy cat make a kitten, a mummy dog and a daddy dog make puppies, and mummy and daddy make a baby, how do planes make babies? , the mother says I don’t know darling, ask the captain . So the boy asks the captain his question. The captain asks the boy whether his parents told him to ask, and he said yes. The captain says, Well, planes don’t make babies because, other airlines load the rear first, and we are Southwest airlines and we pull out in timE! A boy is on a plane and asks his parents,

If assholes could fly,this place would be an damn airport :D. [image] ULTRA FUNNY MEME If assholes…

If the planes came from the inside? How could 911 have been an outside job

If the planes came from the outside. How was 9/11 an inside job?

If you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth Credit: Jimmy Carr You know a girl is too young for you…

I’ll be telling everyone I’m Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. So I’m not showing up to any Halloween parties this year…

I’ll try to sum this up by telling you about the people I work with. So firstly, there’s this supermodel wannabe chick. Ok, she’s pretty hot but she’s completely fucking useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair, or puting on makeup or something. She has to be the most self-obsessed person I and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and frankly I’m surprised she has sufficient brainpower to continue breathing. The next chick is a polar opposite. She is possibly one of the smartest people on the planet. She has virtually endless career opportunities and yet, her she is with us. She is a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she so much as showers, much less shaves her ‘womanly’ parts. I think she might be a lesbian, as every time we drive by the hardware store, I swear to god she moans like a cat. But the jewel of the crowd, has to be the fucking stoner. Now, I’m talking more that your average pothead. In fact, the guy is baked before he comes into work, during work, and I’m sure after work as well. He probably hasn’t been sober at any point in the last ten years and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and on top of it all, he brings his huge fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this massive great dane walk around, half-stoned from the second hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think he’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Oh, and the both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to burger king and McDonalds every day. So anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. I hate my job …

I’m a connoisseur of the culinary arts, so I figured, where better to learn about them than in one of the premiere restaurant in French-speaking Belgium, namely Le Nie, in the heart of Bruges? So, much to my mother’s dismay, I booked myself a flight and took off alone to meet my culinary destiny. When I arrived in Bruges, I found my way to my hostel, where I met a lovely Norwegian girl who introduced herself as Sieglinde who seemed to share my interest in food, because she kept asking me what my wienerschnitzel was like. She became very excited when I told her it was among the best you could find in the States, but then seemed confused when I told her I prepared it with cajun seasoning, ground pepper, and garlic, and shortly thereafter she politely excused herself. Maybe I should have left the garlic out of it, on reflection, seeing as how she wasn’t Italian. Probably just didn’t have a taste for the stuff. Anyway, the next morning I arose early and made my way to Le Nie, where I found myself greeted by a portly, jovial man in a vest, who introduced himself as Rassior don Guerres, the restaurant’s maitre d’. I told him my name and said the chef was expecting me, and he smiled and indicated that I proceed to the kitchen, which I did. I greeted the chef and shook his hand, we discussed the specifics of my apprenticeship, and he introduced me to the other apprentice he had taken on, a beautiful young Argentinian girl who wasted no time once the chef had left earshot in asking me about my burrito. I raised an eyebrow at her and asked her which one she meant, because I can make many different varieties of burritos, and would indeed be willing to do so for a hot tamale like her. She looked at me in befuddlement and then became very interested in her phone. I think I slipped up by forgetting that tamales are not Argentinian and they don’t have them in Belgium anyway. Anyway, we got over our rocky start and quickly became good friends, working under the guidance of Chef Shilo Bouffe (he explained that his father had been French, while his mother was Hebrew), who spent the first few weeks introducing us to the delicate art of making frittes. He was very insistent that I needed to include a lot of mayonnaise on my fritte, or else it would not marinate properly and that Belgian quality so inherent to the item would be lost. I took careful heed and always made sure my frittes were covered in a thick layer of delicious mayonnaise. This served me well in my first assessment, but it seemed that my Argentinian friend was not so cognizant, or perhaps encountered a language barrier. When her assessment arrived, her fritte didn’t have nearly enough mayonnaise on it, and Shilo flipped his lid. What do you call this? he barked at her. It’s all wrong, it’s missing all of its character! What do you mean? she said, tearfully. What did I forget? Ayy! he said, angrily. Le mayo! ^^^I ^^^am ^^^so ^^^sorry I was apprenticing at a restaurant in Belgium

I’m on the plane sitting next a cute girl. We talk about our experiences in D.C and what we did over the weekend, which museums we went to yaddyaddyadah I then ask her: Did you go to see the monuments? She quickly but disappointingly responds: yes, we went and saw all of them, but I’m not a huge monument person. I respond: oh, that’s unfortunate. You know who is a giant monument person? Her interest peaked: no, who?! Me: Abraham Lincoln. . She cracks up at the joke, and I proceed to not get laid as usual. I’m leaving Washington D.C. and…

I’m sorry, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your fight or flight instincts kick in… I was arrested at a New Year’s party last night

I’m sure he can handle landing a plane on a golf course. I’ve seen Han Solo land the Millennium Falcon on an asteroid,

Immediately following the events of the first Avatar movie, the Navi are forced to lead a nomadic lifestyle in search of food and resources. It is discovered that by stimulating the reproductive glands of a new found life form, the Navi are able to manipulate both time and space. The Navi invent a plan to go back to their old way of life. Three Navi warriors are chosen to go back in time to just before the war, and hijack the avatar equipment used by humans to pose as Navi. With some modifications to the machines, the Navi are able to pose as humans. Realizing the human race are creatures of war, the Navi decide to eradicate human civilization before it can flourish into the technological war machine that sparked the events in the first Avatar movie. They do this by destroying all that is sacred in human culture, and they start with Indiana Jones. Posed as humans and disguised as Nazis, the Navi travel further back in time and space to the event just before Raiders of the Lost Ark. Having seen the movie during the flight to Earth, the Navi are able to locate the lost ark and create a series of elaborate traps to lead Indiana Jones into a temple of doom. Dr. Jones is not so easily fooled, however, and he is able to excavate details about the Navi’s plans and their physical appearance. Indiana Jones gets the drop on the Navi, slaughtering the trio inside the doom temple. He failed to realize the Navi were actually posed as Nazi’s, and mistakenly slaughters the leading members of the Blue Man Group. The Navi capture Indiana Jones, and the leader of the Navi poses as Indiana Jones. The other two Navi go on to kill Marion. The Navi Jones character convinces Spielberg to create Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in lieu of Raiders, the first of many successful attempts to destroy all that is sacred in the culture on Earth. Avatar 2: Avatar vs. Indiana Jones

In 2026 Barack Obama is going through the TSA in an airport. The TSA agent motions for him to step out of the line for a random check, much to the displeasure of the ex-president. After much grumbling from Obama and even more patience from the agent, Obama asks: Do you really think a President would be a terrorist? I’m not taking any chances after the guy before you. My uncle was NYPD you know. In 2026 Barack Obama is going through the TSA in an airport.

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. And who can blame them? No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader. Hans Grapje was raised

In a store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up? So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up? And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. Hmmm, better she says. But I wonder what’s upstairs? The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow! exclaims the woman, very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up! And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Lady goes shopping

In heaven, they are met by Saint Peter. He says Only the pure may cross the river of life and enter the promised land. The River of Life is a wide, golden river, and heaven waits on the other side. You must wade across, the river is deeper for those who’s sins are greater. If you cross without drowning, you may enter heaven, if you cannot, the current will carry you down to hell. Peter says. Al Gore figures he has nothing to lose, he had cared for planet Earth where so many did not. So he wades out and begins crossing. The water gets deeper and deeper, coming to his chest, but no higher. He crosses into heaven. Bill Clinton comes next. He wades across the water, but the river only comes up to his stomach. This isn’t fair at all! Al Gore says as Clinton is crossing, How could Clinton possibly be less sinful than me? Clinton calls out I’m Standing on Cheney’s Shoulders! So Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, and Al Gore die and go to heaven.

In New York City, police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be a bag filled with 1,000 condoms. Of the 1,000 condoms found in the bag, only 400 of them had been used. Speaking of safe sex in Venezuela, the price for a pack of condoms has jumped to $755 dollars. And that’s just for the expired ones. Officials determined that a small plane crash in Colorado was caused by the pilot taking selfies while flying. Poor guy, he just wanted his photos to be in the cloud. Topical Jokes for 2/4

in pill form. So an undergraduate goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist if he has history, economics, and literature. The pharmacist disappears into the back. When he returns, he has three little boxes and says Here, take this purple one for all of human historyfrom the origins all the way up to last year’s interplanetary politics. I’ll get you a glass of water. So the undergrad takes the pill and instantly has knowledge and understanding of the whole of human history, including differing viewpoints and interpretations. Wow, oh wow! I know. Now, continues the pharmacist, this orange, round one is for economicsthe earliest barter economies to our present-day crypto monetary structure. Then you’ll take these two beige ones for literaturebronze age to last year’s best selling e-books. These are my last ones, you must be another one of Prof. Kauffman’s, I’ve been getting them all week long. The undergrad rolls his eyes and nods, then takes the remaining three pills and is bestowed with vast knowledge from two more academic disciplines. He thinks a moment and says You wouldn’t happen to have mathematics, would you? Sure, says the pharmacist, bending down beneath the counter. He comes up with another little box. Earliest counting systems to the proof that won this year’s Fields Medal. The undergrad opens the box and in it is a pill the length of his thumb and almost twice the diameter. They couldn’t have made it any more compact? he asks. Ah, well, math’s always been a little hard to swallow. A sufficiently advanced society has synthesized all human knowledge

IN PLANE SIGHT! Where do you hide an airport?

In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, What time is it? The tower responded, Who is calling? The aircraft replied, What difference does it make? The tower replied, It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon. What time is it?

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. $10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot. That’s too much, said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10. The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man. Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out. Joke of the Day!

In the early days of the Internet in the early 90s, people in chat rooms and forums shared jokes. When the jokes started being more offensive to specific races and ethnicities the various chat room and forum moderators (only a handful of mods) decided to make a rule that any offensive joke was allowed as long as the subject of the joke was replaced with ethnic or ethnics with the theory that if the joke was good enough the reader would infer the subject of the joke. All of the jokes were going great– three ethnics walked into a bar… ; an American, a Canadian and an ethnic were on a plane… Etc etc. Until the latest joke started out, Two ethnics were walking down the street when they bumped into their rabbi… In hindsight my ex wife had a nice ass

In the early days of the Internet in the early 90s, people in chat rooms and forums shared jokes. When the jokes started being more offensive to specific races and ethnicities the various chat room and forum moderators (only a handful of mods) decided to make a rule that any offensive joke was allowed as long as the subject of the joke was replaced with ethnic or ethnics with the theory that if the joke was good enough the reader would infer the subject of the joke. All of the jokes were going great– three ethnics walked into a bar… ; an American, a Canadian and an ethnic were on a plane… Etc etc. Until the latest joke started out, Two ethnics were walking down the street when they bumped into their rabbi… One of my favorite old jokes is truer today than ever…

In the outskirts of Chicago there is a carnival every year. One of the attractions is a small plane and for $10 you can go for a ride along with the pilot. Every year a man and his wife attend the carnival, and every year he asks his wife if they can go on the plane ride. She is very stubborn and responds with a quick No. and the husband responds back Why not? which she responds, Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks . So, year after year the husband attends the carnival and asks his wife if they can go for a plane ride. To no avail, her response stays the same, Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks . The following year, the couple goes to the carnival again, and the husband asks about the plane ride once more. This time, the pilot overhears the conversation and decides to jump in. I have heard you two argue about this plane ride for too long. I am willing to give you both a free ride on one condition. The husband is thrilled by this proposition and excitedly asks what it might be. I’ll take you both in the air for free, but you have to be silent. I don’t want to hear one word out of your mouth. If hear anything I will charge you the $10 it costs to ride. Intrigued by the simple request the couple agree on the terms and head for the plane. The pilot and the couple get strapped in and he reminds them once more about their deal. The plane takes off and the husband is overjoyed. The skilled pilot begins doing barrel rolls loops and other aerobatic maneuvers. Even after all of his tricks he still hasn’t heard a peep from the couple. Finally the pilot decides to land. He gets out of the plane and notices that only the husband is still in the plane. Sir, where’s your wife!? he asks wildly confused. Oh, she fell out after the third barrel roll. Well, why didn’t you say anything?! Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks. $10 plane rides

In the World Cup, Germany trounced Brazil 7-1, the worst defeat in Brazil’s history. Now Germany will proceed to the finals, and the Brazilian team will enter the witness protection program. After a plane was grounded in Wyoming, the pilot bought pizza for all of the passengers. And for the passengers in first class, the pilot ordered steak and lobster. So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren’t happening Neymar?

In the World Cup, Germany trounced Brazil 7-1, the worst defeat in Brazil’s history. Now Germany will proceed to the finals, and the Brazilian team will enter the witness protection program. After a plane was grounded in Wyoming, the pilot bought pizza for all of the passengers. And for the passengers in first class, the pilot ordered steak and lobster. Topical Jokes for 7/8

Intersect it with a plane. How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Ireland’s worst air disaster happened early this morning when a small two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 186 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Ireland’s worst air disaster

Is an impossible statement because a plane full of redditors wouldn’t even be able to take off in the first place. A plane full of redditors crashed…

Is it a bird, is it a plane? I don’t know but it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center May be offensive

is like flying on an airplane for food. Getting married for sex…

Is the first German pilot to record 150 kills in 70 years. Andreas Lubitz.

is tired of where he lives. He lives in New York City and everyday he hears stories about crime and sees drug deals and people getting mugged. One day he has finally had enough, and he packs up his things and leaves. He goes to the airport and tells the clerk to give him a random ticket to anywhere. He flies for a long time and arrives to the land of Sneed where are the people are called Snids. Things are going great until a week after he got there and he sees this giant ogre giving all the Snids in the land of Sneed a good kick. This continues and one day the rabbi goes over to the ogre and says Mr. ogre why don’t you kick me? I live here too and i think we should all be treated equally. The ogre responds, SILLY RABBI! KICKS ARE FOR SNIDS! So this Jewish rabbi

Isn’t it good that he was doing what he loved most – flying planes. 9/11 jokes aren’t funny. My dad died that day.

It crashed. The only survivors were the pilot and co-pilot who were able to parachute to safety. They instantly become famous and are hired to fly the rest of congress to the funerals of Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton. Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash. [Fixed]

It depends on the flight delays. What’s the fastest way to heaven?

It had a plane to catch. Why was the World Trade Center in a hurry?

It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees. Moments later a man walks up to her and says, umm, miss that’s my seat. The blonde replies by saying, Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york. So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her. She goes up to the blonde and says, mam, that is not your seat please move. To which the blonde declares, Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york. So now these people are frustrated, this lady just wont get up. The pilot over hears them talking and asks, whats going on, is there a problem? They tell him whats going on, and he asks, is she a blonde? Yes, she keeps saying shes blonde and beautiful and going to new york. Okay the pilot says, i got this. He walks up to the blonde and bends over to whisper something in her ear. She then gets up and moves to the back of the plane. The man and the flight attendant are astounded. How did you do that, what did you say? Oh nothing really, the pilot says, my wife is blonde so i just told her that the back of the plane is going to new york. A blonde gets in an airplane…

It is an airport. Why JFK doesn’t wear hats?

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, ‘I don’t like the Chinese.. .’ ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the copilot, ‘why not?’ ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that’s why!’ ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that’. ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….Doesn’t matter to me: you’re all alike!’ The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces ‘I no rike Jews anyway’ . ‘Oh yeah, and why not?’ asks the captain. ‘Jews sink Titanic’ says the co-pilot. ‘You’re nuts’ exclaims the captain, ‘Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ , ‘It was an iceberg!’ ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me…all bruddy same!!’ A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It seems that there were two University administrators who went hunting and fishing in Alaska. They flew into Fairbanks and looked for a floatplane to fly them further into the interior, to a special lake where the hunting and fishing were said to be excellent. They could not find anyone willing to fly into the selected lake, as it was small with many snags and rocks. They finally found a pilot who would take on the job for an extra $5,000. They packed in their gear and they were off for an event of a lifetime. They got to the lake and were able to land, with some difficulty due to the snags and rocks in the lake. They arranged to be picked up in a week and the floatplane returned to Fairbanks. The next week was grand. They each caught a record size lake trout; shot a moose and an elk. When the floatplane returned they attempted to load their gear and the trout, moose and elk. The pilot would not let them pack all of their trophies, as it would cause the plane to be overloaded. The administrators indicated that they must have the trophies as they were administrators and no one would believe their stories unless they had proof of their adventures. They agreed, after giving the pilot an extra $6,000, that they would leave their gear and take out only the trophies. The pilot would return later for the gear that was being left at the lake. The pilot was still concerned about the weight in the plane and taxied to the far end of the lake and gunned the motor. They rocketed across the lake but the plane was not becoming airborne as they approached the trees. The plane came off of the water and then slammed into the trees. After a few minutes one of the administrators crawled out of the plane and made his way to a large rock on which he stood to evaluate their situation. A voice came from the plane how far did we make it? . The first administrator answered, About a hundred yards further than last year. University Administrators.

It spots a row of houses and uses its beam to suck them all in. After doing so, they decide to leave earth and return to their home planet. One of the neighbors says to the other, there goes the neighborhood. An alien spaceship comes to earth………

It turns out they’re GREAT guys. We all get along so well and spend the time learning about each other’s planets. What’s the weather like there, what are sports like here, recipes, ect. Eventually, it comes to where they ask how we go about reproducing and we are of course curious in the Martian way. So the decision is made to have a demonstration (for science) and the Martians are up first. So a big space is cleared out and a whole bunch of Martians come in there and they stand on each other’s heads and touch noses and their eyes change colors and there’s loud clanking noises or whatever, and then out pops a little Martian and everyone from Earth is like WOW that’s great I hope we got video. OK so now it’s the human’s turn, and a willing couple is found and a space is cleared out and the Martians are there with their video cameras and the humans go at it and they end in a big sweaty finish. And the Martians are like WOW that’s great how interesting, but tell us, where is the new human? And the Earthlings say, Well, I’m sorry, but that takes 9 months And the Martians say, Well then why were they in such a hurry at the end? OK so, The martians come to Earth…

It was a physical comedy where everyone falls down the same flight of steps and gets an equivalent amount laughs. I went and saw the new Karl Marx Brothers play…

It was an early flight, 3am to be exact. There were only a handful of passengers. A rather introverted man sat in the very back away from everyone else on board. While sitting there, early in the flight, the man heard someone whisper, you are quite the handsome fellow . The man was puzzled and was looking all around to find who said it. No one was near him. A few minutes later, he heard the same voice whisper again, you are so well dressed . Again the man looked around; no one there. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Once more, the voice returned. do you work out, because you look like you work out. The man, at this point a little freaked out, waived down an attendant who had started beverage orders up front. The attendant came to the man and the man told him what was going on. When he asked So where the hell is this voice coming from?! The flight attendant smiled and said Oh! Those are our complimentary peanuts! . Heard this on my last flight with Southwest from the captain:

It was plane to sea. Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean?

It was Sunday and Billy woke up excited to go to his first soccer game. He took his time making sure he had all his equipment and went to go ask his mom to drive him to his game. Unfortunately, Billy’s mom was still asleep. He woke up his mom, but since she was taking a while, Billy told his mom that he would just ride his bike to the soccer game and he’ll just meet her there. Billy sped out of his house skipping breakfast because he was behind his planned schedule. When Billy got to the park, his coach and team mates were pacing around, waiting for him. Hurry up and get ready, the game is about to start! they all said, but Billy didn’t want to start yet. Mom and pops aren’t here yet… Everyone went silent, didn’t Billy know that his dad died in a plane crash last month? Suddenly, Billy jumped up and ran towards the parking lot. You’re finally here! Billy said ecstatic to see his mom walking towards him. His coaches and team mates looked around for his dad, but couldn’t find him. Okay give me one minute and we can start. What about your dad…? One of his team mates questioned. Oh you thought I was talking about my dad? Don’t be silly, he died last month! I was talking about my pops! Billy held up his bowl of cereal. Gotta have my Pops! I know that joke was bad.I’ll^see^myself^out. They thought he knew

It was the Japanese who were always crashing there planes in the 40’s I don’t know why everybody thinks Chinese people are bad drivers

It will now be called Generazzione Italia, but they only have enough money to put 3 letters on their planes. The airline is now called GenItalia… A group of young Italian investors bought a majority stake in Alitalia…

it would be a fucking airport. At my high school if idiots could fly…

It’s 1969. China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day. Well, so thinks Richard Nixon. See, he’d been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he was determined that the pope, and only the pope, could broker a deal between two hostile nations. If you’ve not seen *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, it’s a fine film with Anthony Quinn and there’s international problems solved by the pope. Anyways, Nixon rings up the Vatican and convinces the pope that he has to come to New York to visit the UN. Due to the tenuous situation, this visit has to be utterly secret. It’s *brrrrrrrrrrr* gotta be secret your holiness! They’ve got a room for him at the Waldorf, it’ll be a one day visit. Get in, get out, get a t-shirt. The pope, who hadn’t been to America in a good long while, accepts this mission. He throws on his red hat and cape, and he hustles to a cab stand. Where to? asks the cabbie. The pope stammers, just…just get me to Roma International please. They drive in silence, and the cabbie looks in his rearview. Heyyyy…now wait-a minute! (the cabbie has an Italian accent. This isn’t easily explainable) I a-know you! You..you’re a famous man! The pope, terrified of breaking his cover before he’s even left Rome, looks away and mutters, No, no I’m not, must be someone else. Noooo! I a-seen you on the tv! Red hat…red cape…OH! You are Elvis Presley! I assure you, I am not Elvis Presley! says the pope, feelings a little hurt. Yes-a you are! You do the shuffles and the music, oh my wife gonna be so jealous! The pope scuttles out of the cab at the airport and hurries to the ticket counter. He orders a round trip to JFK, and the man at the ticket counter looks up and gasps. Signore! Don’t I know you? Mama mia, I seen you on television last night! No, sir. I assure you I’m nobody of any importance. Yes you are! You got the cape…you got the hat…oh madonna you are ELVIS PRESLEY! He starts to squeal and hit the counter. SIR! PLEASE! Just…just get me a ticket to JFK! On the plane. Pope’s got his bible out, going over some choice passages, and the stewardess bringing coffee nearly drops it in his lap, crying, Elvis! Elvis Presley is on my plane! The pope hisses at her to be quiet and could she please bring some more peanuts. Harried and exhausted, he gets a cab at JFK. Waldorf Astoria, please. The cabbie, and we’re talkin’ the quintessential Brooklyn cabbie here, chews on his cigar and lifts his cap and says, Sweet Jesus on a bus to Greenpoint! You’re famous, ain’t ya? The pope is nearly reduced to tears at this point. The cabbie continues. You got dat red hat! You got the fancy uptown lady cape, only one man has the balls to carry that off, you’re Elvis Presley! At the Waldorf, it all happens again. The clerk says, here’s the key to your room! And in a sotto vocce whisper that echoes across the lobby, *..mister Presley*! The pope goes up to his room. He wishes the president had never watched *The Shoes of the Fisherman*. He turns the key in the lock. Two young chambermaids are making up his room. They spin to face him and erupt in shrieks. Oh my god! It’s….it’s….ELVIS! One flops on the bed and the other starts to slowly unlace her uniform. The pope looks down, buries his head in his hands, comes up and says, . . ♫ Wiiiiiise… mennnn….. sayyyyyyyy…♫ In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.