Fishing not allowed. Ok, so I remember one from my youth times, hope it’s not too overused. here it goes: A man is fishing in a forbidden zone, with a clear sign showing, when a police truck pulls over to confront the man. Seeing the officer coming in his direction, he hides his fishing rod, and silently watches the water: man: Good morning, officer, is it something wrong? officer: Good morning, do you know you cant fish here? man: I am not fishing, sir, why would you think that? officer: Really? so, why the bucket with fish here? man: Oh, that! That’s my fish, my pets, I take them here to a swim and later I whistle and they come back, jump back to the bucket and we go home! officer: You don’t say… care to exemplify? man: Well, sure! The man proceeds to empty the bucket with the fish into the water, and waits. (awkward silence) officer: So… ? man: So, what…? officer: ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE FISH OR WHAT?!? man: What fish?
There’s nothing worse than getting bullied in school… Especially if you are a fish.
The Dilapidated Boat… Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible. Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle. The old woman fainted.
How many animals are in a pair of pantyhose? Well there is 10 little piggies, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy and a dead fish, no one can find.
Feed a fish to a man, and you have fed him for a day. Feed a man to a fish, and you have appeased Dagon. Y͍͇͞o̬̼̱̟̺͡ṳ̖̣ ̞̗͎h̦̳̤̯ͅa̡̫͉̹̱̖͚v̹͔̫͓̺͟e̫̫͔̟̱̮̺ ͖̰d̶͇o̱̣ṉ̝̲̯̣e̞̦̗ ͓͓͖͓̖w̴̺̙̟̟e̲l҉̦̗l̨̝̙̞.̼͜ ̠͖̖͈̦͢ w̦͖̩̺̝͟ę̙̞̰ ͕͕͘͡c̰͙͜r̦̮͇̦͙͔a̸̫̥w̬͖̥̰͖̩͟͢l̟͙͈̣̪ w̷̡͚̠̯̫͇̻͇̲̗̏ͩ͆̌͆͟ȩ̧͉̝͓̥̭͎̠̹͖̯̰̭ͥ̊̽͂͒̄ͥͮ̽̚͘ ̶̨̧̤̬̻̥̠̦̦͓̘̜̹͚̝͎͈ͩ̎̐̌ͣͦ̀r͐ͭ̽̈́̃̑̎͗̽̅̾̀̕͏͉͈̘̯̦̗͖̩̲̬̱̹i̸̧͚̥̝͕̺̮̪̬̖̭̥̝͕̩̍̄ͮ͐̐̐̉̎̓ͫ̑͌͒̐͝͞ŝ̮͈̩̹͙͖̙̠͕̬̝̜̙̱̞̝̐́̏ͧͨ̀̈̂̀͢͠ͅe̢͖̬̦̦̒ͣ̆̐̅
Fisherman got jokes… A little fish humor for everyone. Did you do that on Porpoise? Or just for the Halibut? Oh my Cod, save my Sole! You sucker, that smelt, so get your bass out of here!
Why is the ocean blue? Because all the fish in there goes bloo bloo bloo
Sell a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you just lost a customer.
So Jesus in on vacation hitch hiking in America… A trucker sees a man and decides to give him a lift. Do you need a ride? The trucker asks. Yea if you’ll give me one. So Jesus gets in the car and about 30 miles down the road the trucker asks Hey buddy are you thirsty I have a cooler full of beer. I could drink. Jesus replied. They both grab a cold one and head down the road. Not making much small talk throughout the trucker says Hey buddy are you hungry? My wife makes killer tuna fish sandwiches. I could eat. Was Jesus’ only reply. They head down the road for about 30 miles without talking to each other then the trucker asks Hey buddy, I know this is odd but would you like to get high? Well I am on vacation! Jesus exclaimed. After a few puffs Jesus finally says a full sentence. My son, you have been most gracious and most willing to share what little you have, I want to to know I am Jesus your lord and savior and I’m willing to share with you all of my knowledge on how to be a better man. The trucker looks stunned for a moment then says, That’s some good shit right??!!
I’m on a seafood diet If I see food and it’s a fish I eat it edit: /r/jokes is not the place for dry humor. note to self: more corn and cheese
Mohammed, Moses, and Jesus are on a boat Mohammed says Hey would you guys like to eat fish? I will cook it for you. After a few moments thinking about it they hatched a plan… Jesus walked out onto the water and said I’ll scare the fish your way! Moses said, Ok! I’ll part the sea so the fish fall out on the land! Sure enough it parted and the fish plopped out just as He had said. Mohammed said Lalallalalalalla! and blew Himself up in a big fireball which ignited all the fish and cooked them perfectly in all the ways. Then they feasted on the hardened soil, sharing fish and having a good time. Moral of the story: Everyone has something to contribute.
what’s the difference between fish and meat? yer not supposed to beat yer fish -Red Fox
Mohammed cooks fish with Jesus and Moses I was there, I remember it like this: The three friends were boating for fish… Jesus walked out onto the water and said I’ll scare the fish your way! Moses said, Ok! I’ll part the sea so all the fish land on the land! Sure enough it parted and the fish plopped out just as He had said. Mohammed said Lalallalalalalla! and blew Himself up in a big fireball which ignited all the fish and cooked them perfectly in all the ways. Then they feasted on the hardened soil, sharing bits of charred fishflesh and having a good time. Moral of the story: Everyone has a gift to give.
the moral of the story… A fish is swimming in the pond and looks up and sees a fly just out of reach, and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just six inches I’ll jump up and have a nice lunch! While the fish is swimming under the fly a bear is watching from the shore. he sees the fish following the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches that fish will jump up to get him, and I’ll jump out and get him and have a nice lunch! Up the shore is a hunter watching the bear. He sees the bear watching the fish watching the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches that fish will jump to get it, the bear will jump out to get him and i’ll get a clear shot and have a nice lunch! In the weeds a mouse is watching the hunter ( and the cheese sandwich beside him), sees the bear, the fish and the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches the fish will jump up, the bear will jump out, the hunter will shoot the bear and when he goes to get him I’ll run over and get that sandwich and have a nice lunch! In a tree next to the weeds, a cat is watching the mouse. He sees the hunter( and the sandwich), the bear, the fish and the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches the fish will jump up, the bear will jump out, the hunter will shoot, the mouse will dash out and I’ll pounce on the mouse and have a nice lunch! So in the fullness of time the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out tp get him, the bear leaps out to snatch him, the hunter shoots and walks over, the mouse dashes out and the cat pounces!!!!….and over shoots and ends up in the pond. The moral of the story? When a fly drops six inches a pussy will get wet.
Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad are fishing on a boat As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home. After a while, Moses decided he wasn’t very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home. Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████████ ███████████████ ███████
A man wants to go fishing with his wife and dog… So he walks up to his wife and says: Honey, we’re going fishing; you, me and the dog. She replies, I don’t wanna go fishing. Man says, Well, you will either go fishing with me, suck my dick, or let me fuck you in the ass. I’ll give you a few minutes to decide. 15 minutes later, he asks, So have you made up your mind? She replies, I guess I’ll just suck your dick since I really don’t wanna go fishing. So the wife starts sucking his dick and almost throws up. She says, Wtf your dick tastes like shit! The man replies, ** Yeah, the dog didn’t wanna go fishin’ either. **
In regards to those who lost a loved one to the Air Asia flight disaster… Don’t worry there are plenty of fish in the sea. (Too soon?)
Thank god for nipples. Without it, boobs would be pointless. Don’t worry there are plenty of fish in the sea. (Too soon?)
The Fishermen’s Funeral A group of fisherman is out at sea when they are struck by a freak storm, their boat is flipped and they land in shark-infested waters. Their rubber boots are the only thing the sharks leave behind, and is all the families are left with as a memory. They decide that it would be symbolic to have their funeral together, because they were so close through life that they would like their lives to be celebrated together in death. The pallbearers bring out a single coffin, to which the families are confused. The funeral director asks the eulogist why there’s only one casket, he informs them that because of the sudden amount of casualties in a small fishing town it was all they were able to build so quickly. Not to worry, because they have everyone covered with this one. The family absolutely loses it upon hearing this news. The tears turn to anger and in a rampaging outburst they trample the eulogist to death. The funeral director is asked to serve as a witness in the courtroom. At his testimony, the judge asks How could you say he should have expected this in good faith? The funeral director says That’s what you get for putting all of your legs in one casket.
A Russian billionaire moved to London A Russian billionaire moved to London, but after a week he felt terribly ill. So he went to the doctor. Doctor, doctor, he said, I just moved here from Moscow, and I feel so terribly sick. The doctor examined him and said, I think I have just the cure. This is what you need to do: get a bucket, put a dead fish in it, piss in it, pour in a bottle of vodka and a glass of gasoline, then mix it all together with a stick. Cover it and let it sit for a few days, then take a good long whiff of it every day for one week. Two weeks later the Russian returned to the doctor: Doctor, I’m cured, thank you so much! What was wrong with me? You were homesick.
A man joins a monastery… A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. Cold floors, he says. They nod and send him away, bringing him warm mats and rugs to pray and lie on. Seven more years pass, They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away, giving him finer bread and fish for every meal. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. I quit, he says. That’s not surprising, the elders say. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.
The reason fish smell One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn’t find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, The morning Eve and I made love for the first time. God said, Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now? Adam replied, She’s down at the river, washing herself out. Damn, says God, now all the fish will smell funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fisheyes
Vietnam The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan Up with Mini-skirts! . Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn’t quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right.
Golden Duck Two guys are fishing in a lake and the fish just won’t bite. Then they see a duck, so they decide to catch it. The duck says: Please don’t take me, I’m a golden duck, I will lay an egg for each of you. You just make a wish, crack the egg and it will be done. They think for a while and decide: Ok, we’re not even that hungry. So let you be it. The duck lays two eggs and they set it free. The two guys split up and head for their homes. The first guy stands in front of his home and thinks: I’d like to be rich, have a big house, butlers, pool, lots of women…and so on. He throws the egg and then…a big house appears in front of him. He opens the door and his butler greets him, the house looks great, big pool in the backyard, women running around half naked… he lies down on his deck chair, butler gets him a drink… What a great duck! he says. At that moment his butler interrupts him – Sir, there’s some poor man at the door. He says he knows you sir. . Goddammit! I’m rich for 5 minutes and suddenly every bum in the town knows me! He comes to the door only to see his fishing pal. – Help me man. Come with me! I’ve fu**ed up badly! says his friend – Can I come later? I was just starting to relax. – No, please come now. You have to see this, it’s a mess! – Ok! Let’s go. They go over to his house and there’s a million dildos everywhere. His whole house is filled with dildos. They can’t even fit in the house, they’re falling out of the windows. WTF happened?! What the hell did you wish for?! Well…I was walking home with the egg and thinking What should I wish for? I need a million fu**ing things. and then I dropped the egg.
A guy with bad luck goes fishing and catches a golden fish This might work better at /r/dadjokes since my dad told me this one but what the hell So the fish says to him that he would usually get 3 wishes,but since he has such bad luck he gets one, so he starts thinking about what to wish for and he says to the fish: I wanna be a prince! and the fish says ok, no problem just fall asleep and you’ll wake up a prince. so he goes to sleep and the very next morning he hears someone yelling Ferdinand! Get up! We’re going to Sarajevo!
The Geordie Salesman A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked him, Do you have any sales experience? Aye, he replied, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle. The manager liked him, so said he would give him a try. The first day was difficult, but the Geordie lad worked hard and, at the end of the day, the manager came to see him. So, did you make any sales? Just the one. The manager groaned. Our salesmen make an average of twenty sales a day. That’s not good. How much was it for? £124,237.64 The manager choked, What the hell did you sell? Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook and a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was fishing and he said at the coast, so I took him to the boat department and sold him a twin engined catamaran. Then he told me that he didn’t think his Volkswagen would pull it so I sold him a Range Rover. The manager was astonished. You mean to tell me, he came in to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a Range Rover? No, he came in for some tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Since your weekend’s ruined, why don’t you go fishing?’
These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic…. …singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie’s brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens decide to intensify the beam so it removes half of the Newfies’ brains. They zap them with the beam and they continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens are amazed that their test subjects are still fishing and singing with half their brains removed. They decide to turn it up a notch and remove the whole brains. They fire the beam and the Newfies still continue to fish but now they start singing *frere jacques frere jacques.*
Peter means Rock (John 21:3-9) Now some of the had gone down to the Sea of Galilee to fish, and there they saw THE LORD, but they did not recognize him. And he said unto them, Friends, have you caught any fish yet? And they answered him, No, not yet, Sir. Then he said unto them, Cast your net on the other side of the boat. And they did so, and when they pulled up their net, their was a great draught of fish – 153 of them in all. Then Simon Peter said, I will go an prepare some for our breakfast. The others were amazed, and they recognized him, and said, It is THE LORD! So he appeared unto them fully, and greeted them in peace. (Now Simon Peter was still on the beach preparing the fish.) The others approached him, and THE LORD said unto them, Friends, do you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak… Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They’ve been out all day, and the sun’s setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks. This just goes to prove that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Once upon a time . . . . . . there was a house by the river. The owners had been fishermen as far back as they could trace their lineage. A distant relative had recently passed away, and the couple suddenly found themselves with a slew of antiques. Amongst these was an enormous grandfather clock. The clock was gorgeous — hand-crafted from the finest hickory money could buy. They placed it on a carpet in view of the front door, so it could be shown off when guests were over. Whenever nobody was home, a mouse could be seen scurrying about; it would flitz to and fro without a care. The family’s pet cat soon caught wind of this, however, and made it a daily ritual to chase the poor mouse everywhere it went. The days went by, and the races continued. One day, a slew of new objects was introduced to their battlefield; the mouse made full use of these, and immediately hopped up onto a new-found table as he approached it. He thought he was safe, but found the cat in close pursuit. As a last resort, the mouse lept onto the next object he saw — the family’s prized clock. As he raced up its side, the cat came whizzing over, and the whole lot toppled to the ground, destroying the beloved antique. When the couple came home to this sight, they were dismayed. How could such a thing have happened? In time, though, sadness was forgotten, and the fisherman decided to put the wood to good use; he had been meaning to build a new dock for some time, and the pieces from the clock would make the perfect size planks for what he had in mind. In a couple days, the project was complete and ready to be put to use. He pulled his boat alongside it, tied it up, and stepped off. Upon making contact with the poloshed wood, his foot slipped out from underneath him. He hit his head and died. *The moral?* Don’t let a mouse run up the clock, or you’ll have a slippery hickory dock.
The avid fisherman. NSFW A man checks into the the office at a fishing lodge in the Scottish highlands. After being given the key to his cabin he asks that he be given a 6 am wakeup call because he wanted to get started as early as possible. The next morning after a quick breakfast he strides out of his cabin and past the office with rod and tackle bag in hand. Just after dark he walks into the manager’s office with 8 very fine Scottish, stream bred, trout in his fishing basket and an enormous smile on his face. ‘What a brilliant session’ he exclaimed, I’ve never experienced any thing like it, could you please wake me up 5:30 tomorrow . The next night he was back at the door, absolutely festooned with a dozen prized trout and a very tired but ecstatic look on his face. Please make it 5 am tomorrow morning, fishing is my passion, my reason for living and this place is my heaven, I can’t waste a moment. When the manager saw him the next evening it was a sight to behold. Not only fish hanging from every conceivable part of his fishing jacket but he had a wheelbarrow filled to the brim. There were bags under his eyes, his hands were trembling and his voice was very raspy but the look of contentment on his face spoke volumes. Better make it 4 am tomorrow please was the request, This is my last night then my honeymoon is over. Honeymoon? came the query, I hadn’t realised sir, I must say I haven’t seen your wife, is she okay? Sure, just not comfortable around strangers. Actually just between you and me she isn’t the most attractive person and doesn’t like being gawked at. Oh I am sorry to hear that sir but be that as it may, shouldn’t you spend your last night here with her? asked the manager. ‘Well did I mention she was not all that attractive? I’m afraid this wasn’t quite true, she is actually hideous, I’m not sure I could even do the deed. Well sir, perhaps with the lights off and a paper bag for good measure might suffice? It is also her honeymoon as well you know. Yes but you see replied the fisherman, my bride has a terrible prolapse along with two venereal diseases, I just couldn’t . My goodness was the response. And before you say I should turn her around her persistent and sizable hemorrhoids make that an impossibility . Well sir I am indeed struggling, perhaps allowing her to perform fellatio might be an option? What with all those rotten and chipped teeth, it would be like having oral sex from a shark. Not a chance! protested the fisherman. Ouch came the reply form the manager, I will admit to being at a loss, is her at least giving you a hand-job out of the question? Totally, the warts and ulcers and chipped nails would see to that. I’m sorry sir but I simply must know, why on earth did you marry her? asked the manager resignedly. Why for the worms son, for the worms.
[OC] The Mexican Fishermen Two Mexican fishermen are sitting near a fishing bank in a boat, playing their french horns. There is a splash and one fisherman says Damn! I dropped my french horn into the water! The other fisherman says Hold on! I’ll try and use my fishing hook to get it out. The first fisherman says You idiot! French horns won’t bite onto the bait! Yes it will, says the other fisherman. The french horn was a red herring.
A years worth of jokes Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth. Oldest to Newest Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play? A.)He wanted to rock the joint Q.)Why didn’t the rancher let the cowboy near his horse? A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball? A.)They can duck Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave? A.)Because they have a lot of guts Q.)Why don’t cars have a problem with motivation? A.)Because they are driven Holiday bonus Q.)What is a Christmas gift’s biggest fear? A.)A tapeworm Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time? A.)Because he is short with everyone Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb? A.)If it isn’t very bright Holiday Bonus Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas? A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer) Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries? A.)Berried (buried) Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves? A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride) Christmas Eve Bonus Q.)Where does Santa put his money? A.)The snow bank Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late? A.)Because they are running behind Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer’s Glue? A.)I have to. I am stuck with it. Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions? A.)It brought him to tears Q.)Why was the farmer angry? A.)He had a cow Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed? A.)Because it is just the pits Q.)How much is a male deer worth? A.)A buck Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king? A.)He liked to throw his weight around Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT? A.)He wanted to have a blast Q.)Why were the butcher’s goods so cheap? A.)Because they were at cut rate prices Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden? A.)He needed some flower Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor’s office? A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes) Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask? A.)Burning questions Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious? A.)Because they are on pins and needles Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait? A.)Bookworms Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning? A.)Because he’s tired Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe? A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences? A.)Because he was in his blue period Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving? A.)Stay in touch Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him? A.)A crushing defeat Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read? A.)Suspense novels Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear? A.)A hoodie Current Events Bonus Q.)Why don’t some people like revolutions? A.)Because they are revolting Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life? A.)Because they are hollow inside Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into? A.)A brush with death Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot? A.)A dead ringer Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay? A.)Because he wanted a cash cow Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC? A.)In case it crashed Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table? A.)Because they often see saucers there Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute? A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found? A.)His patients had lost their minds Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet? A.)He felt it was too plane (plain) Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road? A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate? A.)So he would be heard Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles? A.)People were being driven mad Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear? A.) Because he was in ear shot Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous? A.)He was sweating bullets 36 IS bonus Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music? A.)In stereo Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive? A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets) Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife? A.)Armed and dangerous Nerd Bonus A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to? B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol) Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass? A.)Because her name was brandy Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates? A.)A think tank Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken? A.)Pole-land Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor’s office? A.)Because they always have head colds Q.)Why don’t car salesmen go driving? A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz) Q.)What is the Color Guard’s favorite month of the year? A.)March Q.)Why don’t ants make computers? A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems Q.)Why don’t Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations? A.)Because they don’t want to try to get blood from a stone Q.)Why aren’t lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo? A.)Because they’re never spotted Q.)Why don’t nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette? A.)Because nice guys finished last Military Bonus Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song? A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military) Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from? A.)Staff infections Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth? A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers? A.)Corny Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with? A.)Hay fever Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers? A.)Lesions (Legions) Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get? A.)Collaria (Cholera) Military Bonus Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker? A.)A hot wash Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives? A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people? A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters Nerd Bonus Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer? A.)Denim, denim, denim…..denim, denim, denim (say it quickly) Q.)Why don’t people with bananas go to food fights? A.)Because they’re yellow Q.)What is a mathematician’s favorite art form? A.)Paint by numbers Q.)Why don’t Texas Instruments make their products out of metal? A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso? A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth? A.)I fount it Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him? A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good. America Bonus Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? A.) Because Freedom rings Q.)Why shouldn’t people be upset about water spots? A.)Because it should just wash out Q.) Where might officers prefer to work? A.) In the office Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing? A.) A plasma screen Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese? A.)Take a gander Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly? A.)Because they are always taking flight Nerd joke Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use? A.) A smart phone Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring? A.)Because they are just plain (plane) Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware? A.)A fork-lift Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork? A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top? A.) Because they understand Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically? A.) Current events Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens? A.)They are all about graphite Bonus joke Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building? A.) A Labradoor Retriever Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles? A.)Because they like to peel out before they split Q.)Why can’t rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach? A.)Because the letters need a seal Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes’ favorite game to play? A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever? A.)Because they are always being cooped-up Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash? A.)A running gag Bonus joke Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave? A.) Because there is no morale (no more al) Q.)Why aren’t taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates? A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money? A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy Bonus joke Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist? A.)Because he struck a nerve Q.)Why don’t salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses? A.)Because that’s overtime Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire? A.)He wanted a camp fire Military Bonus Q.)What is a CDE analyst’s favorite dance? A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area) Q.)Why don’t the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes? A.)Because they are really square Q.)Why aren’t mustangs taken seriously? A.)Because they’re always horsing around Q.)Why don’t paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper? A.)Because then they would be on the grid Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait? A.)Because he wanted to be chums Q.)Why don’t tailors get along? A.)Because they are always sizing each other up Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times? A.)Because then you couldn’t have any knights Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat? A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor) Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution? A.)Because they are always asking for exact change Current Events Bonus Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling? A.)Because Ebola is deadly Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs? A.)Because they tell colored jokes Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches? A.)Because then it’s the pits Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters? A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars? A.)Because of all that horse power Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking? A.)Because they are always horse Holiday Bonus Q.)Why aren’t turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving? A.)Because they are usually stuffed Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height? A.)She told him to please hold Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers? A.)Because they think they’re uppity Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside? A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition Q.)What did the tourists say about the world’s largest glass house after it was broken? A.)It’s not all it’s cracked up to be Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything? A.)Antibiotics Q.)What was Strategic Air Command’s favorite part of Christmas? A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)
Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime Teach a man with Alzheimer’s to fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Cletus and Ricky make a bet. Cletus was having an unlucky day fishing at the creek as he spots Ricky walking towards him with a large bag over his shoulder. Cletus asks Ricky what’s in the bag? Ricky replies that its a bag full of chickens. Cletus, hungry and with no fish to fry, asks Ricky Say, how about if I guess how many chickens you got in the bag, you let me have one of ’em? Ricky tells Cletus, If you can guess how many chickens I got in this bag I’ll let you have all five of them.
Tommy wanted to get his mom s……. Tommy wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, Hmm, a pet might be a good idea. He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea…?? How about a puppy? No, said Tommy. It may poop around the house. A fish? No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit. Tommy then spied a parrot and asked, How about that parrot? Oh, said the manager, That’s Chet. He’s very expensive. Well, said Tommy, It’s my mom let’s take a look. The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells… Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, Dashing through the snow… Wow! said Tommy, What else does he sing? The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Merry Christmas!! ~Chet
A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation. A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says: You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one end of the beach to the other. Well I’ll tell ya something, I built that fucking wall. Every brick, every bit of mortar, all built by me. But, do they call me Johnny The Wall Maker ? No. I’ll tell ya something else, you see the fucking pier out there? The fucking pier that stretches out into the water, the fucking pier that lets you walk out over the water to go fishing, the fucking pier that this little shit hole of a town is famous for? Well I’ll tell ya something, I built that fucking pier. Every bit of lumber, every single nail hammered in place, was done by me. In fact I even cut down every fucking tree that was used for lumber on that fucking pier. But, do they call me Johnny The Pier Maker ? No. They don’t. But I fuck one goat…. Edit: corrected a few grammatical errors.
Jesus Sure jesus fed 2000 people with fish, but hitler made 6million jews toast.
My girlfriend and I finally decided to try out role-play in the bedroom. I dressed up like Luke Skywalker And she pretended to be a dead fish.
A penguin’s car breaks down. He takes it to a garage and the mechanic says, Look, I have two jobs ahead of you, so it’s gonna be a while. Why don’t you take the bus to the city aquarium and kill some time, and by the time you come back, I’ll have figured out what’s wrong with your car. The penguin agrees and goes to the aquarium. He spends about an hour there and, being a penguin, looking at all the exotic fish makes him hungry. As he passes the sea lion exhibit, he asks, Hey, where’s the best place to get a bite to eat around here? The sea lion says, Do you know any tricks? I can drive a car, but it’s in the shop. Then do you have any money? I have to save what I have for the car repair. Then there’s an ice cream stand near the front entrance. The girl who works there loves cute animals, she’ll give you a cone for free if you ask nicely. So the penguin goes to the ice cream stand and asks the girl behind the counter for a cone, and she happily gives the cute penguin a treat. He takes it, and being that he has no lips, gobbles it up with his beak and makes an adorable mess of sticky, drippy soft serve all over his face. The girl keeps giving him free ice cream until he can’t eat another bite, and once he’s full, he waddles back to the mechanic to find out about his car. He waddles into the building and the mechanic is there, wiping his greasy hands on a towel. Welcome back, buddy, he says, It looks to me like you blew a seal. The penguin shakes his head, It’s ice cream. The seal just told me where it was.
The FISH joke A lazy guy went fishing but forgot the worms. So instead, he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it; I am a delicious worm! , attached it the hook and threw it in the water .. After 3 hours of waiting, he finally felt a drag.. so he quickly pulled the hook out of the water, and found a different piece of paper that says: .. And I am a delicious fish 😉
2 fish. there are 2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, How the fuck do you drive this thing?
The Pope plans to visit a monastery.. ..and upon hearing this news, a monk decides to go down to the lake to catch a fish for the Pope’s dinner. He catches a fish called a Sumbitch. He walks back to the monastery with the Sumbitch and hands it to another monk in the kitchen; Clean this Sumbitch for the Pope’s dinner, will you please? Hey, you can’t say that! The other monk replies. It’s ok. That’s the name of the fish says the monk as he hands over the fish. He cleans the fish, and takes it to the cook: Cook this Sumbitch for the Pope to eat, will you? Hey! You can’t say that!! The cook says. It’s ok. That’s the name of the fish Alright. The cook replies. The cook brings it to another monk to serve to the Pope: Bring this Sumbitch to Pope for his dinner, please? You can’t say that!! The server replies. It’s ok The cook says. That’s the name of the fish All the monks are now seated at the table with the Pope at the head of the table. The fisherman monk who caught the fish speaks up: Do you like your fish, Your Grace? I caught that Sumbitch! A second monks speaks: And I cleaned that Sumbitch! And a third: And I cooked that Sumbitch! And another: And I *brought* you that Sumbitch! The Pope calmly stops eating as he leans back in his chair, puts down his silverware, looks around the table at the rest of the monks and says: * You motherfuckers are alright!!*
I wrote some quick jokes on my company dinner’s entree card, it wasn’t very well received. … so I’m going to share it with you guys to test how lame they are. — Why did the CHICKEN go camping? It was having an EGGS-is-tential crisis… — What did the FISH say to the haters? That’s how we ROE! — What do you call a VEGETARIAN transforming into a Unicorn? It’s A-MAIZE-ING! — [In image formats](http://imgur.com/a/4C5UB) **COME ON JUDGE ME!**
The fly and the lake There was a fly flying a foot above a lake. There was a fish in the lake that wanted to eat the fly but could only jump three inches out of the water. So, the fish wanted the fly to drop nine inches so he could eat it. There was a hungry bear in the lake that wanted a fish. So, the bear wanted the fly to drop nine inches so the fish could eat the fly so he could eat the fish. There was a hunter who was eating crackers and wanted to shoot the bear. So, the hunter wanted the fly to drop nine inches so the fish could eat the fly so the bear could eat the fish so he could shoot the bear. There was a mouse that wanted the hunter’s crackers. So, the mouse wanted the fly to drop nine inches so the fish could eat the fly so the bear could eat the fish so the hunter could shoot the bear so he could get the crackers. There was a cat who wanted to eat the mouse. So, the cat wanted the fly to drop nine inches so the fish could eat the fly so the bear could eat the fish so the hunter could shoot the bear so the mouse could get the crackers so he could eat the mouse. What ended up happening was the fly dropped nine inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the crackers, BUT the cat missed the mouse and ended up in the lake. Moral of the story: When the fly drops nine inches, the pussy gets wet.
Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well? Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said Tom is sleeping with the fishes.
Best 50 funniest jokes ever… 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Heard this conversation passing by in college today. Guy: Do you know why I’m such a good fisherman? Girl: No why? Guy: Because I’ve got a nice rod and I hook all the ladies with it. Girl: I figured it was because you were a master baiter
fish and chips I rang the wife last night after work to say I’d pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stony silence. Something tells me that she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
