What type of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel!
What is the difference between two towers?
A plane
What do two Wrights make?
A plane
What kind of biscuit can fly?
a PLANE biscuit
What do you call an asian who flies planes?
A pilot, racist!
A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out.
How many bricks are left?
499.
A plane carrying three men crashed in the desert.
As the three were wandering around trying to find their way out, they chance across an old lamp and, rubbing it, out pops a genie who grants each of them one wish.
I wish for a bottle of water, so that I won’t get dehydrated, the first man says, and POOF! he receives a bottle of water.
I wish for a sunhat, so that I will be shaded from the heat of the sun, the second man says, and POOF! he receives a huge hat.
The third man thinks for a while, and then says, I wish for a car door! Why on earth would you want a car door? asked the genie, befuddled.
The man grinned smugly, and replied: Because when it gets hot, I can just roll down the window!
A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy.
The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.
The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in construction so he’d build the shelter. The Asian guy ran a convenience store so he was in charge of the supplies.
A couple hours pass, the shelter is up and the white guy and black guy are sitting by the fire. Another hour passes and the Asian guy is still out gathering supplies.
Worried, the two go into the forest to look for him. The leaves and bushes rustle, they can hear something getting closer. With no weapons the white guy and black guy are noticeably terrified.
They turn to run and out of nowhere the Asian guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells, SUPPLIES!!!
A plane crashed in a deserted island. All but 3 friends died. They walked around the island and stumbled upon a magic lamp. They rubbed it and a genie appear and grants them 1 wish each.
John wished, I wish I was in a castle with lots of food .
Granted , says the Genie. And poof! John disappeared and went to a castle.
Anthony wished to be home with his family. Granted , says the Genie. And poof! Anthony disappeared and the next thing he know, he’s with his family.
Now the last one, Eric is thinking very hard what to wish for. Feeling lonely and missing his best friends he muttered, I wish John and Anthony was here .
Granted .
A plane crashes in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Only the pilot and his co-pilot survive. The pilot is badly injured and can’t leave the cockpit, let alone the plane.
He knows they have no supplies on board and a rescue party could be days or even weeks away. He tells the co-pilot to go scouting for food and water and return with whatever he finds.
Hours pass before the co-pilot returns and says, Well, I have good news and bad news.
Give me the bad new first, says the pilot. There’s nothing to eat but sand, replies the co-pilot. And what’s the good news?
There’s fucking loads of it!
A plane crashes on a desert island and only the pilot, the copilot and a hostess survive.
After days of waiting for help, the pilot and the copilot talk to the hostess: You know… we are men, we have some needs… we are probably going to die and you are the only woman here… we could take turns if you agree .
The woman agrees. Unfortunately the hostess dies of starvation. Once again the pilot speaks: You know… we are both men, but we have needs… we are probably going to die… we could take turns if you agree .
The copilot reluctantly agrees, so they start taking turns. This goes on for some days, until the copilot speaks: You know what? I can’t stand this any more! We should really bury her .
A plane crashes on an island. Only a few men and a woman remained alive. They lit up a signal fire and waited for rescue.
After a month the woman killed herself, because she felt what happened in that month was too disgusting to bear.
After a month the men buried her, because they felt what happened in that month was too disgusting to bear.
After a month the men dug her back up, because they felt what happened in that month was too disgusting to bear.
After a month God resurrected the woman, because He felt what happened in that month was too disgusting to bear.
A plane full of people is dropping below altitude, the pilot shouts over the tanoy were losing speed rapidly we’ve dropped all the luggage but its not working, were at 100 feet and need volunteers to jump out into the sea below.
Nobody puts their hands up so he says we’ll do this as fairly as possible, starting with A – Any asians on board?
No one puts their hand up, any blacks on board? still no hands, any chinese? nothing.
Then one lad at the back whispers to his dad “ey dad we’re black why didn’t we put our hand up?”
He replies “shut up son, we’re zulu’s we’re last!!”
What do you call a woman flying a plane?
A pilot, you sexist!
A plane full of people starts to go down. The captain says we have too much weight on board everyone needs to throw something out.
First a Canadian man walks over and throws out his hockey puck, then an American throws out his baseball, and a terrorist throws one of his bombs out.
The plane lands safe and as the captain walks down the street he sees a man crying so he asks him why are you crying?
he said a hockey puck came from the sky and hit me in the head.
He sees a second man he is crying he asks what happened to you?
He said a baseball came out of nowhere and hit me in the head.
Then he noticed a fire down the street he runs over and a man is laughing uncontrollably the captain said what happened here? How is this funny?
The laughing man said I farted and my house blew up.
A plane is crashing with President Trump, an old man, a little boy and the pilot.
The plane is nearing the ground and the group is dicussing who gets the only 3 parachutes. President Trump immediately grabs one and says “I am the new President. I have a lot of great plans for my country. I need a parachute.” He takes one and jumps.
The pilot then quickly blurts out, “I am the captain of this plane. These are my parachutes. I’m taking one”. He takes one and jumps.
This leaves only the little boy and the old man. The old man quickly says. “You better take the last parachute. I’m old and have lived my life. You can still do great things with the time”.
He is interrupted by the little boy who says. “You dont have to die! We can both go. President Trump Jumped out with my backpack!”
A plane is crashing, carrying a Mexican, A Frenchman, and an American, and the pilots need to lighten up the load.
So they ask the passengers to toss unimportant items out of the aircraft.
The Frenchman picks up a croissant and says we have to many of these in our country, and throws it out the window.
The Mexican picks up a Burrito and says “we have to many of these in our country, and throws it out the window.”
The American picks up the Mexican and says “Here, we have to many of these in our country, and throws him out the window.”
A plane is crossing the Alps with fifteen children and a priest when it starts to lose altitdue.
The pilot turns on the autopilot and goes to speak to the priest The pilot says “Excuse me Father, but the plane is going to crash”
The Priest responds and says “Oh my, what are we going to do”
The pilot says “Not to worry father I have two parachutes, one for me and one for you, all you have to do is square it with the big man upstairs”.
The Priest says “What about the kids”
Getting annoyed the pilots says “F*CK THE KIDS”
To which the priest replies “Do we have time?”
A plane is flying over the Atlantic when all of a sudden immense turbulence causes it to crash into the ocean.
Miraculously, three survivors make it to an island where they are immediately seized by local natives. They are brought to the chief of the village, who simply says I might spare your lives. But first, gather ten of any fruit and bring them to me.
The first man comes back with ten apples. The chief says, You have a chance to live. We will shove these apples up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you. Of course, as they try to force the first apple up his butt, he moans in pain and is killed and eaten.
The second man comes back with ten grapes. The chief says, You have a chance to live. We will shove these grapes up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you.
So the man takes seven grapes up the ass but as they inserted the eighth, he began laughing hysterically. The natives are confused, but nevertheless they kill him and eat him.
The first and second man meet in the afterlife and the first man says, You were so close! What the hell were you doing?
The second man replies, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!
A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: That looks like a really short runway.
The co-pilot looks at it and says: Yes, captain, its really short. 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!
The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum brakes, and with screeching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway.
Phew, says the pilot relieved. That was the shortest landing I’ve ever made. The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: And certainly on the widest runway I’ve every seen..
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, I don’t like Chinese.
No rike Chinese? asks the copilot, why not? You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that’s why!
No, no , the co-pilot protests, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah That Japanese, not Chinese.
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese…doesn’t matter, you’re all alike. There’s a few minutes of silence….
I no rike Jews. the copilot suddenly announces.
Oh yeah, why not? Asks the captain.
Jews sink Titanic. says the co-pilot.
What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic! exclaims the captain It was an iceberg.
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Gilberg, nomattah…all same.
A plane was flying over the Pacific Ocean, filled with businessmen. Suddenly, one of the engines gave out, and the plane began to lose altitude.
The flight attendant told the passengers to stay calm, it would not be a crash landing, but they would be lost in the ocean, and may never be found.
Upon hearing this, one man began to laugh. They asked him, Why are you laughing? He said,
I owe the IRS $45,000. They’ll find me.
How do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot. You racist!
A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers I’m sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes
The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!
A man a few rows back got out of his seat and said I will! she smiled and ran up to him.
He then took his shirt off and said Here, iron this.
A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot’s voice:
” Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you’ll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you’ll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you’ll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording. “
A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped working. We can still safely fly on the 3 remaining engines, but our journey will be 1 hour longer as a result. Thank you
A few passengers look at each other, but no one is overly concerned, trusting the captain.
Sometime later though, there is another rumble and another whine, followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that we have lost another one our engines, but don’t worry, we can still safely fly on the 2 remaining engines. However our journey will be 2 hours longer. Thank you.
A few passengers look worried, a few look annoyed but everyone settles down.
20 minutes later there is another familiar rumble, followed by a tell tale whine. The captains voice is once again on the PA system.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost a third engine, but please do not panic, this plane is perfectly capable of flying on the one remaining engine. This does mean though, that our journey will be 4 hours longer than anticipated. Thank you
This is ridiculous! A frustrated woman says to her husband If we lose another engine, we’ll be up here all day!
A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, I’m Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can’t afford to die. he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, I’m the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders Take the last parachute. Bernie says, It’s ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world’s smartest man just took my backpack.
A Polish man calls up an airline.
How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?
One minute…
Thank you. *click*
A Polish pilot and co-pilot are approaching JFK and requesting landing clearance.
The controller gives them clearance to land on runway 29. The pilot looks down in disbelief at how short the runway is. He asks the controller for confirmation and the controller repeats his instruction and asks him to hurry so they can hold their schedule.
So the pilot and co-pilot share a worried look, and then focus hard on executing the shortest landing they’ve ever attempted.
He’s sweating profusely as he struggles to maintain the perfect trajectory to touch down at precisely the right angle so that he doesn’t come down too hard but also touches down fast enough so he can brake.
The instant the nose gear touches down he screams to his co-pilot to help him brake harder than they ever have in their lives. They both stomp on the brakes and pray that they can stop this plan before the landing strip ends.
After a brief instant that seemed to last an eternity the plan finally lurches forward and back and the pilots sit in disbelief that they’ve managed to pull off such a difficult landing.
The pilot says phew that has to be the shortest runway I’ve ever seen.
The co-pilot agrees, but looking out both sides of the cockpit he remarks But wow it’s definitely the widest, by far.
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.
The priest then asked, But have you ever eaten pork?
Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.
The rabbi then asked him, And father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest reddened, but realized he had brought the whole mess up, so he honestly replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies, ‘I’ m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.
A priest was walking down the street and came across little Jimmy and his father.
The priest smiled and said good morning, Jimmy! to which the boy replied f*ck you, father.
Jimmy’s father was mortified. I am so so sorry! We try to raise Jimmy to be polite and he never says things like that at home!
The priest said It’s perfectly fine, let me talk to the boy. The priest continued: Jimmy, I understand why you don’t respect me. After all, I’m just a humble priest in a small town. But I believe I am doing the Lord’s work, and I enjoy what I do. And I believe that if I work hard, and if God chooses me, some day I might become a Bishop. Then I could really help people and make an impact throughout this entire diocese.
And if God continues to bless me in my work over the years, I could become a Cardinal. I would move to Rome and help set policies that would improve the spiritual lives of millions of people.
And who knows. If God so desires in His infinite wisdom, I could one day become Pope. Billions of people would listen to my teachings. World leaders would request audiences with me, and bow down before me.
I would become one of the most powerful men on the entire planet, Jimmy, and you say ‘f*ck me?’ F*CK YOU!!
A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the whole coach. The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must cover their noses, and the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.
Trump replied, Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone.
Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats.
Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts put me in coach!
A professor liked to tell dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes, they will all get up and leave as a protest.
Somehow the professor hear about their plan At the beginning of the next lecture the professor started by saying, In Sweden, a prostitute makes $2000 per night.
All the women got up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them, Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t leave until the day after tomorrow.
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so what’s the answer?
Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’
They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to themselves as unknowns but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, There are 3 sides to every triangle. The Attorney General went on to say Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.
A reporter is interviewing a survivor of an airplane crash in the Andes Mountains
Reporter: I heard you had to do something awful
Survivor: Yes, it’s true, we had to eat airplane food to survive.
Reporter: My god! Survivor: What else could we do, we had already eaten up the dead passengers!
A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor.
The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked.
You can’t judge me for this, the man says defensively. I did what I had to survive!
The leader of the rescue team says, But Jesus Christ, man… your plane only went down yesterday.
A rich woman, a beautiful woman, and a black woman are on a plane when the pilot comes on the intercom and says the plane is going down, brace for impact.
The three women, fearing this is it, each make their own preparations. The rich woman, puts on all her jewelry, when asked why she says I hear they look for the rich ones first.
The beautiful woman begins to fix her hair and put on makeup, when asked why she says I hear they go for the pretty ones first.
The black woman begins to take off all her clothes, when asked why she says I hear they go for the black box first.
A Russian, a German and an Estonian are sitting on a plane. Suddenly the pilot announces that the plane is going to fall down unless everybody throws something off the plane.
The Russian throws his vodka saying we have enough of that in Russia ,
The German throws his beer saying we have enough of that in Germany .
The Estonian throws the Russian saying we have enough of that in Estonia.
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
This is exciting, thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?
Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.
Of course, said the Pope. Do you have an eraser?
A skydiver jumps out of the plane, and passes through a layer of heavy winds where he is blown way off course. He crashes into a tree, and is knocked unconscious.
When he awakes, he is surrounded by a number of beautiful, naked women. In the distance he sees a sign that says heaven.
Thinking to himself that he must have died, he says aloud, heaven is more beautiful than I imagined, then he hears a voice behind him. He turns to see a older naked male who says to him,
This isn’t heaven, this is Heavenly Shores Nudist Camp, and you’re not a member.
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.
Where y’all goin’ to?’ asked the Southern belle.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied I don’t answer people who end their sentences with prepositions’.
The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. Where y’all goin’ to, bitch?’
A soldier home for the holidays was recounting some of his experiences to a friend over drinks. It was my first time in an airplane and we were all supposed to jump.
I was the last one left and was having trouble mustering the courage.
My drill sergeant was behind me and yelled, Boy, if you don’t jump out of this airplane right now, I’m going to stick my dick up your ass!
Surprised, his friend asks, So, did you jump?
The soldier replies, Well, yeah…a little.
A statistic professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
I don’t understand it! the interrogating officer exclaims. You’re an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish – and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!
Sorry , the professor interrupts him. I had never intended to blow up the plane.
So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!
Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That’s quite high if you think about it – so high that I wouldn’t have any peace of mind on a flight.
And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane? You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer…
A stewardess approaches a small young boy on an airplane and asks the boy, Would you like a free ice cream sundae?
Golly, would I! the boy replies.
And would you like two scoops? the stewardess asks enthusiastically.
Absolutely! the boy said.
Chocolate? the stewardess asks.
Yes ma’am! the boy exclaims.
And would you like your nuts crushed?
Well I dunno, would you like your tits shot off?
A stranger was seated next to Ken on an empty flight to England.
The stranger turned to Ken and said, Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.
Ken, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, Okay, what would you like to talk about?
I don’t know, said the stranger. How about nuclear power?
Okay, said Ken. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?
Jeez, said the stranger. I have no idea.
Well then, said Ken, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?
A supermodel, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world are on a plane together. There is an engine malfunction and the plane begins to plummet towards the Earth far below.
Everybody including the pilot, is able to bail except the three mentioned, as there are only two parachutes left between the three of them.
They exchange in a heated debate over who should be able to take one of the parachutes.
I should go. says the model. I am beautiful and the world needs beauty.
I’m just a boy. I have my entire life ahead of me! I’m literally the future! If anybody should get out of here, it’s me! pipes the boy scout.
I am the smartest man in the world. My brain is a resource of unfathomable potential. If I were to die, my brain would die too! What a waste that would be! What a loss to the world! argues the smartest man in the world.
They continue to argue, and the plane continues to get closer and closer to the ground, each one doing their best to plead their case.
Finally, the boy scout acquiesces; You two should take the parachutes. he says. It would be the honorable thing for me to do as a true boy scout.
Great! The smartest man in the world exclaims.
Are you sure? the supermodel asks.
Yes. I am only a young boy, I don’t offer much to the world. The smartest man is the smartest man in the whole world! He’s a genius, he can help with so much…and you’re so beautiful it would be a crime to rob the world of your beauty. the boy scout responds.
The model is touched by the boy’s sudden change of heart and bravery; You take the parachute. The world needs more people like you. Well I’m going! the smartest man in the world exclaims again; and with that he grabs one of the packs and leaps from the plane.
The supermodel and the boy scout are left alone on the plane, getting forever closer to the ground. I guess this is it. says the super model.
No it isn’t! We’re going to be fine! the boy scout exclaims with happiness.
What do you mean? the supermodel asks, bewildered.
The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!
A teacher asks a WW2 pilot to speak to her elementary school class. He tells the children a bit about the Air Force and what day to day life was like. Then he begins to tell them about a dog fight he had been in.
He gets very excited as he telling the story and says to the children, There were Fokkers to the right and Fokkers to the left. There were Fokkers above me and Fokkers below me! The teacher interrupts to say,
Children, the Fokker is a type of airplane.
Yeah, the pilot says, except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!
A Texan, Mexican, Frenchman and an Englishman are on a plane. The captain come on the PA and says The plane is too heavy, one of you will have to jump
The English man says I’ll do it goes to the door God save the queen and jumps
A little later, the captain comes back on The plane is still too heavy, someone else needs to jump.
The Frenchman goes to the door, says Vive Le France and jumps.
A little while later the captain comes on again Still too heavy, somebody’s gotta jump!
The Texan goes to the door, says Remember the Alamo and throws the Mexican off the plane.
