An American, a Russian and a Dane sits in a bar The American says: if we send all of our fighter jets out to fly, you would not spot a single bird in the air! The russian: if we send all of our fleet out to sea, you would not spot a single fish! The Dane: I know a guy who can balance 7 crows on his dick. The American then says ok there might be one or two birds around the world that will be able to fly… The russian then says yeah uhm there might also pop one or two fish up somewhere. Then the Dane says yeah well… That last bird might also only be balancing on one leg
Kindly let me help you or you will drown, … …said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.
Checkmate.. A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments? His new bride said, No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.
Ever heard the one about the shark in the bar Don’t worry, its kinda fishy
Two clams There’s two clams, one is named Jerry and the other is named Sam. They’re swimming in the ocean and Sam looks at Jerry and says I wonder what it’s like up there, I’m going to go find out Jerry tells Sam it’s a terrible idea and not to do it but Sam does it anyway. Sure enough he gets swept up by a fisherman and eaten. A couple hours later Jerry wonders where Sam went so he goes up to look for him and sure enough he gets swept up by a fisherman and eaten. Jerry wakes up in clam heaven with his harp, halo, and wings. After wandering for a bit he goes to god to ask if he knows about Sam. God tells Jerry that Sam is in hell and that he owns a disco bar, god gives Jerry permission to visit him but let’s him know that he must be back by 12am or he will stay in hell forever. Jerry goes to Sam’s bar and spots him, after partying and chatting for a while he looks at the clock and realizes it’s 11:58. After saying his goodbyes Jerry rushes back to God well god, I made it he says but god looks dissatisfied and angry. Jerry asks god what’s wrong where is your harp? God replies. Jerry gasps Oh no! I left my harp in Sam clams disco!
Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof….. The first construction workers says, I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof. He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof. The second construction worker says, If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof. He opens his lunch and there’s cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof. The third construction worker says to himself, If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self. He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself. Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals. The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me. The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here. The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn’t crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way. Don’t look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch.
The sun was coming up. Adam & Eve had just spent the entire night … … having glorious unadulterated sex. Eve decided to go wash up in the river close by. Just as she dipped her toe in the water to feel the temperature, she heard a thundering voice, Do NOT go into the water! . Eve shrugged, and thought to herself, What’s the worse that could happen? . She waded into the water waist deep. …. Another thundering voice came from the sky, Now i’ll NEVER get the smell out of the FISH! .
The Legend of the 3-legged Pig (Long) A man was driving on the interstate in the middle of Texas, his car breaks down, after his insurance agent tells him a road crew won’t be available for 3 days, and with no nearby city in sight, he starts walking. As he walks he sees a farmhouse a little ways offroad, so he approaches it. On his way up the steps he notices a massive pig with it’s back hind leg is missing peg leg lying in mud next to the house, On the porch of the farmhouse is an old worn farmer, the man asks Can I stay here until my car is fixed? The farmer replied Sure, no problem friend. The man washes up and grabs a beer, then sits out on the porch. After fully explaining his situation, he asks the farmer Was that pig born 1 leg short? The farmer replied Hell no son, that pig is a gift of God. Explain how The man said. About 2 weeks ago I was fueling up my tractor, and all of the sudden the ground gave and the damn thing fell on top of my arm, I was pinned down, started praying, and then that pig busted outta his pen, stuck that hind leg under that tractor and lifted it up high enough for me to get free said the Farmer. Damn, quite the pig, so he lost his leg pickin up a tra- Noooo son, just last week I was out fishing in the rain, and all of the sudden, a bolt of lightning sent a tree right on top of my legs, trapped again, this time away from the farm I made my peace with God, and out nowhere, that pig ran up, stuck that hind leg under, and flipped the tree up off my legs Oh so thats how he lost i- Nooo son, just yesterd- HOW DID HE LOSE IT? The man yelled. Well, you can’t eat a pig that great all at once.
NSFW A fish walks into a bar. The bartender asks, why so wet? The fish replies: I JUST FINGERED MYSELF.
74 Offensive Jokes Do not read if you are easily offended. Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it. So I’m eating at my favorite restaurant, right? And all of the sudden this jerk from security walks up to me and says I have to leave, and long story short, I’m no longer allowed at the abortion clinic. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke. What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race. What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I’m cutting up an onion. What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? They both disappear after a hot shower. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she didn’t have a seatbelt on. What’s black and found at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. What’s 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long? Cot death. Have you ever had Ethiopian food before? Neither have they. What’s the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Leukemia. Why can’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dogs. Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first visitors to Disney World? Neither did she. What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? One’s fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a fruit. What’s black and dangerous to cut through? The line at KFC. What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper. A jew with an erection runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose. How do you pick up Jewish chicks? A dustpan. How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve. What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout came back from camp. What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? You WANT the pizza to come out of the oven. What’s worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews. Why isn’t Hitler invited to barbecues? He burns all the Franks. Why did so many Jews die in Auschwitz? The exit was coin operated. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry came out of the chamber. Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands. What’s the difference between a jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney. Why can’t women ski? There’s no snow in the kitchen. If a truck driver hits a woman with his truck, who’s to blame? The truck driver, he shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen. Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove. *Graphic Content* What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape. What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? The line at the Boston Marathon. Why don’t Saudi’s have sex ed and drivers ed in the same week? To give the camels a break. How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. People say pedophiles are terrible people, but at least they slow down in school zones. What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13. What’s better than being in the special olympics? Not being retarded. What’s the best part about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s 20 of them. My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. Pretty big word for a 10 year old. *Graphic Content* What’s 5 inches, pink, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink. What kind of file is needed to stretch a hole from 10mm to 30mm? A Pedophile. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Newton’s 1st Law of Motion. I’m still looking for my ex-wife’s murderer, but no one will do it. Have you heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old. I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I wondered to myself Is that mine? . Fortunately, when I got home, it was still there, shining my shoes. What’s small, red, and climbs up your leg? A homesick abortion. My friends gave me his Epipen right before he died, he really wanted me to keep it. What do you call an abortion surgeon? Spawn camper. What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and n Afghan wedding? I don’t know man, I just fly the drones. *Graphic Content* What is worse than a pile of dead babies? The live one on the bottom eating its way out. My wife is mad at me because she caught me having sex with our child. She was really upset because our child died only three days ago. But now that I think about it, isn’t it strange the abortion clinic let us keep it? Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? It wasn’t born yesterday. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them. I like my women like I like my pizza. Sliced up and in a box. I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in a freezer. How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb. I don’t know, but I know it’s at least more than 24. *Graphic Content* What’s the hardest part of cutting up a dead baby? My erection. What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage. How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you turn off a Jew? Offswitch (say it fast). Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman. Just kidding, it’s because she’s dead. Why can’t Helen Keller have kids? Because she’s dead. What’s silver and hates kids? A coat hanger.
Top 10 worst jokes! The 20 Worst Jokes Ever! 1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything. 3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4.A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5.A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road. 6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? 7. Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. Is it common? Well, It’s Not Unusual. 8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don’t believe you, says Dolly. It’s true, no bull! exclaims Daisy. 9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms! 13.I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel. 14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam! 16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why, they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer. 18.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal. 19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
A preacher who couldn’t swim fell into the ocean . When a boat came by, the captain yelled, Do you need help, sir? The preacher calmly said No, God will save me. A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, Hey, do you need help? The preacher replied again, No God will save me. Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, Why didn’t you save me? God replied, Fool, I sent you two boats!
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf Moses steps up, takes a swing, and hits the golf ball into a pond. He pauses for a moment, goes down to the pond, raises his golf club, and splits the pond so that the ball falls onto ground. Moses then descend into the pond, hits the golf ball again, and manages to hit the ball into the hole. Next is Jesus. He also hits the ball into the lake, but Jesus just walks onto the pond, takes another shot, and gets the golf ball in the hole. The old man takes a calculated swing, but the ball also goes into the direction of the pond. But, right before the ball hit the pond, a fish jumps up, catching the ball in its mouth. Next, an eagle swoops down, snatches the fish in its mouth and flies to the hole. Then, the eagle drops the fish, who in turn drops the ball into the hole, making it a hole-in-one. Moses scowls and says to Jesus, You just *had* to bring your dad along with you, didn’t you?
A fly is flying across a river back and forth… Every time it reaches one of the river banks it drops eight inches. A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, when that fly gets low enough I’m going to jump up and get that fly . A bear sees the fish and thinks to himself, when that fish jumps up to catch that fly, I’m going to go catch that fish . A hunter hiding in the bushes next to the lake sees the bear and thinks to himself, when that bear goes to catch that fish, I’m going to shoot that bear . Now this hunter had a cheese sandwich in his back pocket, and a mouse sees this cheese sandwich and thinks to himself, when that hunter shoots that bear, that cheese sandwich will fall out of his pocket and I’m going to go get it . A cat sees the mouse and thinks to himself, when that mouse goes after that cheese sandwich, I’m going to go catch that mouse . Well the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse goes after the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps at the mouse but misses and falls into the river! The moral of the story is, when flys drop eight inches pussy gets wet.
Back in Soviet Russia, a man walks into a shop and asks, You wouldn’t happen to have fish, would you? Back in Soviet Russia, a man walks into a shop and asks, You wouldn’t happen to have fish, would you? The shop assistant replies, You’ve got it wrong ours is a butcher’s shop: we wouldn’t happen to have meat. You’re looking for the fish shop across the road. There they wouldn’t happen to have fish!
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies Yes I do! and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks Where did you get this? The guy replies Oh I have a personal genie. The first man asks Can I make a wish? Sure says the other man Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing Ok I will says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says I want a million bucks, The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head The guy says to the other Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he? The other man replies I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
A man gets back from his honeymoon… …and all his work buddies gather round to ask him how it went. The first guy asks, So how many times did you get it on? Oh, we didn’t, she’s got a herpes outbreak. Everyone’s sympathetic saying that’s too bad when the next guy asks So how come you just didn’t do her in the butt? Well she had diarrhea. Another chimes in with Did you at least get a blowjob? Well she has pyorrhea too. All the guys are stunned silent, finally one of them asks, Soo, ummmm, why did you marry this girl? Cuz she’s got worms too, and I *LOVE TO FISH!!!*
A blind man gets in a cab on his way back from work, and cracks down his window as it’s a nice day. He and the driver make some small talk, when the driver eventually asks, Is it true that blind people have a better sense of smell than the rest of us? Of course it is! the blind man exclaims. I’ll prove it to you. Alright, the driver says. The blind man takes a deep breath then says, There’s a coffee shop on the corner of this block. And it seems like they’re serving a lot of caramel today. Sure enough, the cab reaches the corner to find a coffee house. The sign out front reads, Today’s Special: Caramel Cappuccino. The driver’s eyebrows raise. I’m impressed! The blind man smirks, confident in his skill. The taxi then stops in front of a flower shop, and the blind man inhales again. I can smell potted sunflowers, roses, daffodils, and bouquets of tulips, he says. The cab driver looks out and is surprised to see only those flowers lining the exterior of the shop. That’s incredible, you’re right again! the driver says, then continues up the street after the light changes. I told you I was good at this, the blind man says, smiling again. The taxi drives around for a bit more, before it stops in front of a fish market. *This one’s too easy,* the taxi driver thinks, wrinkling his nose. To his surprise, the blind man takes a big whiff of air, then leans his arm out of the window. In a deep, suave voice, he says, Hello, ladies.
Someone asked me the difference between like and love I was ask what is the difference between like and love . I was kinda struggling with ways to put them into words because these are feelings you’re supposed to feel , right? Then I let it flow in me. I tried to feel it. The best way I could put it was food. Like is sorta similar to pasta or fish & chips for me. I like them. I enjoy them and I don’t mind them showing up on my plate. Sometimes, I even crave them but I don’t LOVEEE them. I just enjoy them and wanna eat them once in a while. That’s it. Love is kinda like pizza. If I can, I’d eat them everyday. I might get bored of it for a while, maybe curious to try other food. But I’ll always come back to it. If I land my dream job, I’d order a pizza to celebrate it. If I lose my pet cat, I’d get myself a slice of pizza. After a long day at work, I’d get myself a piece of pizza as treat. It’s the food I’d want to spend my best and worst days with. I’d mourn for the closure of a pizza joint, because I care about pizzas…..because I’m in love with pizza. But then again, I can eat pizzas legally. I can’t say the same for humans. So I suppose it’s not exactly the best analogy.
In the Garden of Eden God: Adam. Adam: Yes, God? God: Where’s Eve? Adam: I think she’s washing her panties in the river. God: Oh no! Stop her! I’ll never get the smell out of those fish!
Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets… For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish?
Two men are going golfing. And the first one notices the second man is only bringing one ball with him, so he says to him Are you going to be alright with just that? Don’t you want some spares? No. Says the second man, This is all I need. But, what if you lose it? That’s what makes this ball so great. It’s impossible to lose. What? What about if it goes into the woods? That’s fine, It’s got a code I’ve scanned on my phone, so I can always track it. I’ll find it in no time. Wow! The first man’s completely taken aback by this, but still he presses on. What about if it goes into the lake? Not a problem, it floats and turns red in water. So I’ll be able to spot it and just fish it out. That’s amazing. But, what about if you’re playing at night? Even that’s not a problem, it glows in the dark. So even then I can find it! By now the first man is completely sold on this idea. That sounds great! Where did you get it from? I found it.
A rice cake and a soccer ball go to the beach… The rice cake decides to go for a swim while his friend sunbathes for a bit. The rice cake swims around and eventually joins his friend on the shore. The soccer ball looks at the rice cake and says Hey you’re wet, you should dry off! to which the rice cake complies. He takes off the towel after a few minutes which causes the soccer ball to again state Hey really man you need to dry off to which the minorly annoyed rice cake agrees to do. After a few minutes he again takes off the towel. The soccer ball angrily looks at the rice cake and says Ok, if you take your towel off again I’m going to throw you into the ocean. The rice cake is visibly concerned at this point but ignores the soccer ball. A moment passes and the soccer ball lets out an exasperated sigh and throws the rice cake into the ocean as hard as he can. ——————————————————————————— A high school couple near graduation after which they will be going to separate colleges. As one last date they go to the local pier and exchange rings with each other. They both vow as long as they’re in college they won’t contact each other but will wear the rings as long as their love stays. They agree if they each still love each other after four years upon finishing college, they’ll meet back at the pier and get engaged. Four years pass and neither the boy or girl takes off the ring or loses any love for the other. Upon the day of their planned reuinion, the boy realizes a time was never set for meeting with his girlfriend again at the pier, so he heads out at sunrise with a fishing pole to kill some time and wait for his love. The girl heads out at sunrise too, but unfortunately mistakes which pier the arranged meeting was supposed to take place at, causing her to go to the incorrect one. She waits at the pier all day and upon her boyfriend failing to show up angrily tears the ring off of her finger and throws it into the ocean where it is swept away in the surf. The boy waits at the pier all day passing the time by fishing and enjoying the weather while he waits for his girl. The bites had been slow up until that point and he fell into a daze when suddenly he feels a tug at the end of his line. He excitedly reels in the line as fast as he can but is quite perplexed when on the other end of the line is not a fish but a very wet rice cake.
The most sexist joke you’ve ever heard. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give a man a vagina and you feed her for a lifetime.
Ice fishing One day, in the middle of winter, a man decides he wants to go ice fishing. So he gets his gear and goes out to the nearest piece of ice he can find and begins setting up. Just as he is about to put his drill to the ice, however, he hears a voice calling from the distance, there’s no fish there! He looks around, and can’t see anyone, but the voice calls again there’s no fish there! Fortunate to not have wasted his time, the man takes the voice at it’s word and sets out to find another spot. So he walks around on the ice for a bit before he finds another spot, and just before he would drill into the ice the voice comes again, there’s no fish there! A third time the man goes walking, finds another spot, and just as he’s about to drill the voice calls one more time, There’s no fish there! The man looks around again, and yells back god, is that you? No, the voice yells replies, I’m the manager of the hockey rink!
A man walk into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. He is sweating, in a panic. He says to the man Excuse me sir..do you sell fish cakes? The fishmonger beams Why yes…yes we do The name breathes a sigh of relief Thank you so much… he points to his fishy friend It’s his birthday!
A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him. Out at sea it doesn’t take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch! Immediately the priest becomes disturbed and says, My son, please don’t use such language. The fisherman, embarrassed and hoping word of this gaffe will not reach the rest of his family, makes up an explanation in a moment of ingenuity, Oh no father, that’s the name of that type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch. He lies, taking advantage of the priests fishing naivete. The priest is pacified, and begs forgiveness for jumping to conclusions. The fisherman, relieved, brings the priest back to the docks and drops him off. The priest lumbers back to the church, with the giant fish in his arms. Upon entering the church he sees the bishop and approaches him, Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I caught! The bishop stands wide-eyed a moment, Priest, how could a man as holy as you use such language in the house of God? The priest calmly explains that it is the name of the fish, and the bishop feeling embarrassed for jumping to conclusions offers to take and clean the fish for the priest. After cleaning the fish the bishop takes it to the maid in the kitchen and tells her, Maid, I want you to cook this son-of-a-bitch for me. The maid blushes and responds, Bishop, it may not be my place to say so, but is such language fitting for a man of your stature? The bishop laughs haughtily, explains that it’s the name of the fish and that he too had made the same mistake only minutes earlier. The maid laughs too, apologizes and cooks the fish. It just so happens that the Pope decided to stop in for dinner at their church that evening. They are all sitting at the table when the pope says, Oh, my children, I know that gluttony is a sin but I simply can’t stop myself from eating this fish. I must know, where did you get it? I caught the son-of-a-bitch. Said the priest. I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch. Said the bishop. And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch. Said the maid. For a moment the pope sat silently, staring at them all wide-eyed. He then slowly removed his hat, kicked off his sandles, put his hands behind his head, kicked his feet up on the table and said, You know what? You mother fuckers are alright!
A new study of dolphins was recently performed… The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.
A joke about mermaids and humans: If human pussy smells like fish, does mermaid pussy smell like human?
With age comes wisdom… A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby – he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ”Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The retd officer said, ‘Are you talking to me ?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !’ The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts ? Didn’t you hear what I said ?’ I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said ‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’
Two second graders are fishing in the middle of a field Ryan and Andrew see two second graders in a fishing boat in the middle of a field. They cast out their rods, reel in, and just pull up grass. Ryan says to Andrew, Man, look at those second graders out there. They’re not going to catch anything! Andrew replies, Yeah, think we should go and tell em’? Ryan then says, Sure… but we don’t have a boat to go out there!
I couldn’t afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to our local fish market, saying, Shhhh… they’re all asleep.
Two goldfish meet in a fishbowl One says, Hi, I’m John! The other says, John, listen closely. We’re trapped in this fishbowl. I’m gonna count to 10 and then, we’re both going to swim hard into that side of the bowl. If we do it hard enough, we’ll tip it over and we’ll be free! The first goldfish says, Hi, I’m John!
Poor Old fool, … …thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, You’re the eighth.
During a huge storm, a man’s city calls for an emergency evacuation As his neighbors are driving away, they offer him a seat in their minivan. He says, No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm. The flood waters start to rise and the man is standing on his balcony. A family in a fishing boat come by and offer a space on their boat. The man says, No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm. The storm starts getting even worse. His house is nearly completely engulfed in water, and the man is clinging to his chimney with rain blowing in his face. A National Guard helicopter comes by and lowes a ladder for him. He says, No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm. The man drowns shortly thereafter and goes do heaven. Once in heaven, fuming, he marches up to Saint Peter and says I’ve been a loyal Christian all my life. I put my faith in God to save in that storm and he let me drown. How could he do something like that? Peter looks at the man and says, I really don’t know what you expected. God sent you a van, a boat, and a helicopter.
Does eating fish makes you dumb? We know that eating fish is supposed to make us smarter , but the only fishes we eat, are the ones dumb enough to get caught. It doesn’t make sense.
To Shoot or Not Shoot A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat . HE paid for your Packer season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership. and HE even pays the monthly dues!’ Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’? The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
Never drink water after eating fish !!! Your stomach might become an aquarium. PS not mine read it somewhere
Why are firetrucks red? You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that’s why they’re red. Cause they’re always russian around.
Two parrots were sitting on a perch One says to the other, Something smells a bit fishy!
Fishing for Jupiter fart fish off the wing of the space shuttle. Fishing for Jupiter fart fish off the wing of the space shuttle.
So two fish are in a tank… One fish turns to the other fish and says Alright, you drive. I’ll man the gun! Get it? Because they’re in a *tank*.
Why are they called Tuna Fish? Because they don’t swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nahhh.
A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant. The man behind her says Stand back! I’m a doctor! and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her. A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths. The doctor picks up the fish and says What’s a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?
There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches I’d get it ! A bear on land thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I’d get it ! A hunter nearby thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I’ll shoot the bear. A mouse watching thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I’ll steal the cheese off his sandwich ! A cat in hiding thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I’ll get that mouse !!! Suddenly, it all happened: The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter’s cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water !!!!! The Moral Of This Story Is……………… Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet
laghthing Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, You’re the eighth.
Everyone always talks about how great Jesus was… …because he fed 5000 people with a couple fish and five loaves of bread. But no one ever talks about Hitler. He made 6 million Jews toast.
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category. The Joplin , Missouri Police Department reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The police would not release the dead man’s name until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting someone in Riverton , Kansas. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, nipple rings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt. The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare the man’s family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police Do Care.
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah’s wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred say, Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!
The Fishing Trip With his friends, Billy schedules a fishing trip. They decide to spend the weekend at the lake, fishing by the quiet of nature. With all decided, Billy returns home to tell his wife. The wife, however, didn’t like the idea and forbid him to go. The next day, the poor man tells his friends Sorry guys, I won’t make it. My wife won’t let me and after some booze and talk, they all return home. The day of the trip arrives and the fishing buddies get to the lake and find a smilling Billy there. What happened?! I thought your wife didn’t let you come! they all asked. Well , Billy started, My wife is reading this book called *Fifty Shades of Grey* and yesterday I get home and she was handcuffed to the bed. ‘*What the hell woman*’ I asked. She replied ‘*Now Billy, do whatever you want!*’ so I came fishing!
