A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are pregnant, waiting to be seen for their 20 week check-ups. Since they’ll be identifying gender today, the topic comes up. Well, we had sex in the missionary position, so I know we’ll have a boy says the redhead, smiling. Well I rode him cowgirl, so I know we’re going to have a little lady! says the brunette proudly. They look over at the blonde, who is crying her eyes out. What’s wrong? They ask in unison. I’m gonna have puppies!
A naked blonde walks into a bar A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other. The bardtender says: So, I don’t suppose you’d be needing a drink? The naked lady says … OOOOOOH SHIT!
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. Can I help you? she asks. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. The man replies, Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Blondes A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, Shut up you’re next!
[blonde] a blonde, ginger and brown hair girls are running from the cops… Than they come across an alley with a dumpster and a sack of potatoes. The ginger hides in the dumpster, under the trash. The brown hides behind the dumpster, than, the blonde hides in the sack of potatoes. Luckily, the cops flashlight was burnt out. The ginger heard the cops walking over to the dumpster, she meowed like a cat. there is not a girl here just a cat the cops said. they checked behind the dumpster, the brown growled like a dog. Just a dog the cops said. They passed the sack of potatoes without giving it a second thought. the blonde than said potatoes potatoes! and was arrested the next day.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead discover a magic mirror… The mirror displays a message, stating that it can confirm or deny any claim you wish to make about yourself. However, if the claim you make is incorrect, you will immediately keel over and die. The girls decide to have some fun and take turns testing themselves at this mirror. The brunette runs forward, ecstatic at the thought of this game . I think I am the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. She immediately falls over and dies. The redhead goes next, I think I am the nicest girl in the whole world. She, too, falls over and dies. The blonde, hesistant, also decides to go ahead and give it a shot. I think.. Her eyes roll back and she is also sent to her grave.
A man goes to a psychiatrist complaining of insomnia… He says Doc, I just can’t sleep! The first half of the night I dream that I’m pushing a train from New York to L.A, and the second half of the night I dream that I’m pushing the train back, From L.A to New York! I wake up every morning exhausted . The psychiatrist, taking notes, nods and says I understand. Here’s what we’ll do, to help take the burden off you, I’ll help you push the train during the second half of the night and sends the man on his way. His next patient also complains of insomnia. Doc, I just can’t sleep! The first half of the night I dream that I’m making love with a blonde, and the second half of the night I’m making love with a brunette. Every morning I wake up completely exhausted. The psychiatrist, still taking notes, responds Alright. Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll sleep with the blonde so you can take a break for half the night. The second man objects I’m much more attracted to the blonde, could you take the brunette instead? During the second half of night, I’m afraid I can’t. I’m helping push a train to New York.
Talking to a blonde at the bar last night (My favorite joke) So I was at the bar last night and I saw this beautiful blonde woman across the room. I was so enchanted by her super-model like beauty that I walked over and started talking to her. I asked her what she does and she told me that she’s a neurosurgeon. Now I don’t know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. Usually, most women can’t pull off sarcasm. Credit: Heard this from the comedian Anthony Jeselnik from his stand up on netflix.
Passenger profiled on airplane flight for doing math. I want to know if the profiler is a blonde? Feminist? Liberal arts major?
Two teenage girls and their dad live in a small village A blonde, younger girl and an older brunette It’s a poor family, with nothing but a telegraph machine and a $100. One day the dad dies, leaving the two girls alone. The older girl decides to step up and try to solve at least one of the problems that they were facing: hunger. So she decides to go into town to buy a bull. She tells her younger sister that she will send her a message if she manages to buy one, seeing as she wouldn’t be able to get it home herself. Later that day, she comes across a man who was willing to sell her a bull for $99.50. She then takes the bull to the telegraph machine in town, where she asks the man what she can get for 50 cents. The man say that she can have one word. She thinks long and hard about what word she should use, and then types in comfortable because she knew that her sister was on the dumb side and would sound out the word very slowly.
Blonde and brunette are stuck in elevator… Blonde starts yelling HELP HELP Brunete: it is better if we yell together. Blonde: TOGETHER TOGETHER
in a kindergarten class, there is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. which one do you date? the blonde. she’s 18.
[Blonde] what goes vroom errrrt vroom errrt vroom errrt vroom errrt… A blonde at a flashing red light.
74 Offensive Jokes Do not read if you are easily offended. Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it. So I’m eating at my favorite restaurant, right? And all of the sudden this jerk from security walks up to me and says I have to leave, and long story short, I’m no longer allowed at the abortion clinic. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke. What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race. What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I’m cutting up an onion. What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? They both disappear after a hot shower. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she didn’t have a seatbelt on. What’s black and found at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. What’s 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long? Cot death. Have you ever had Ethiopian food before? Neither have they. What’s the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Leukemia. Why can’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dogs. Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first visitors to Disney World? Neither did she. What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? One’s fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a fruit. What’s black and dangerous to cut through? The line at KFC. What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper. A jew with an erection runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose. How do you pick up Jewish chicks? A dustpan. How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve. What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout came back from camp. What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? You WANT the pizza to come out of the oven. What’s worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews. Why isn’t Hitler invited to barbecues? He burns all the Franks. Why did so many Jews die in Auschwitz? The exit was coin operated. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry came out of the chamber. Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands. What’s the difference between a jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney. Why can’t women ski? There’s no snow in the kitchen. If a truck driver hits a woman with his truck, who’s to blame? The truck driver, he shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen. Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove. *Graphic Content* What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape. What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? The line at the Boston Marathon. Why don’t Saudi’s have sex ed and drivers ed in the same week? To give the camels a break. How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. People say pedophiles are terrible people, but at least they slow down in school zones. What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13. What’s better than being in the special olympics? Not being retarded. What’s the best part about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s 20 of them. My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. Pretty big word for a 10 year old. *Graphic Content* What’s 5 inches, pink, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink. What kind of file is needed to stretch a hole from 10mm to 30mm? A Pedophile. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Newton’s 1st Law of Motion. I’m still looking for my ex-wife’s murderer, but no one will do it. Have you heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old. I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I wondered to myself Is that mine? . Fortunately, when I got home, it was still there, shining my shoes. What’s small, red, and climbs up your leg? A homesick abortion. My friends gave me his Epipen right before he died, he really wanted me to keep it. What do you call an abortion surgeon? Spawn camper. What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and n Afghan wedding? I don’t know man, I just fly the drones. *Graphic Content* What is worse than a pile of dead babies? The live one on the bottom eating its way out. My wife is mad at me because she caught me having sex with our child. She was really upset because our child died only three days ago. But now that I think about it, isn’t it strange the abortion clinic let us keep it? Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? It wasn’t born yesterday. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them. I like my women like I like my pizza. Sliced up and in a box. I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in a freezer. How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb. I don’t know, but I know it’s at least more than 24. *Graphic Content* What’s the hardest part of cutting up a dead baby? My erection. What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage. How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you turn off a Jew? Offswitch (say it fast). Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman. Just kidding, it’s because she’s dead. Why can’t Helen Keller have kids? Because she’s dead. What’s silver and hates kids? A coat hanger.
A blind man walks into a bar. He hears a man speaking next to him. So he says, Hey do you want to hear a blonde joke? The man says, Sir, I myself am blonde and weigh 250 pounds, the bartender is also blonde and is well built, and there are a couple of blonde men seated at the table behind us and look like the type you wouldn’t want to mess with. Do you still want to tell the joke? The blind man says, No that’s fine. I don’t want to explain the joke so many times.
Two men are staring at a pole. After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at. One of them says, We are trying to determine the height of the pole. So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells it to the two men and walks away. After hearing this one man tells the other, What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!
Cop sees a blonde with a bunch of penguins in the back of her car So he stops her and asks her what she is doing with a bunch of penguins. She says she just saw them on the road and opened the door and they got in. You’ve got to take those penguins to the zoo, he says. Next day he sees her again with the penguins still in the back of her car. Cop: Lady I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo. Blonde: I did and we had such a good time, today we’re going to the park.
A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!
Two blondes are walking through a forrest… They come across some tracks and the first blonde says. I think these are deer tracks . The second blonde says. No these look like rabbit tracks . They keep arguing untill an hour later they were hit by a train.
Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead. There’s a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead.
A blonde, brunette and ginger get lost in the woods They make a shelter but start getting hungry so the brunette decides to go out hunting. She returns with a rabbit and the blonde asks how’d you get that? , the brunette replies Oh I just followed some tracks and found it The next day the ginger decides to go out hunting, she returns with a deer, and the blonde asks how’d you get that? , the ginger replies Oh I just followed some tracks and found it The next day the blonde decides to go out hunting, she returns covered in bruises and cuts, the brunette asks what happened to you? The blonde replies I followed some tracks and got hit by a train .
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island… To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles. The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns. The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns. The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.
The weight loss plan One day a guy sees an ad in the classifieds for a guaranteed effective weight loss plan. He calls the guy and is asked for his schedule of when he’s available and that they’ll contact him when they’re ready. The next day there’s a knock at the door and when the man is greeted by a beautiful naked blonde woman who says if you catch me, you can have your way with me . Well he chases her for a few minutes, but gets winded and has to retreat home. A few days later, same thing, but now he was able to get closer to her. After a few weeks one day he’s finally able to catch her, takes her behind the bushes and has his way with her. When he’s finished he asks her, so are we done now? She informs him to be ready tomorrow and he goes home feeling accomplished. The next day there’s a knock at the door, but this time he’s greeted by a big naked black man who says to him, if I can catch you, I can have you!
A blonde is standing near a fence. A guy is walking through the countryside along a trail, when he sees a blonde woman standing near a fence. He walks up to her and asks why shes just standing there. The blonde woman gestures at the nearby field and says All of this belongs to me . She turns and points down the path the man was about to continue walking down and says that path ALSO belongs to me, just to me, no-one else but me . The man gives a disgusted sigh, thinking Stuck up Rich bitch, just showing off how much she owns , and carries on walking down the trail. Suddenly there’s a huge BOOOOOM! and the man explodes, body parts flying everywhere, blood all over. The blonde stops, thinks for a minute and says What I meant to say was MINE! .
Blonde and the pervert. Who’s really annoyed because a pervert keeps peeping through the keyhole while shes in the bathroom. One day she has a brilliant idea though. So the next day the pervert sees the blonde going to the bathroom, as the pervert approaches the bathroom he notices something odd…. the door isn’t there anymore and he can see the blonde completely naked changing her clothes. The blonde laughs at the pervert and says Can’t peep through the keyhole anymore!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister… … I slept with a Brazilian…. The blonde replies, Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?
mosquito and a blonde joke what’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde ? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it..
3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven, but God awaits them with a challenge They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, I finally understood the 1st joke!
What’s the difference between a Blonde and a person with a different colour of hair? The blonde sure doesn’t know.
A blonde was desperate for money… so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. ‘Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?’ ‘Sure,’ smiled the blonde, ‘I’ll do it for $100.’ ‘Great,’ the man replied. ‘You’ll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.’ The man went back into the house to his wife, who’d been listening. ‘A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?’ asked the wife. ‘Well, she must. She was standing right on it!’ he said. About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. ‘I’m all done,’ she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?’ ‘Yeah,’ the blonde said. ‘I even had some left, so I put on two coats!’ The man reached into his wallet to pay her. ‘And by the way,’ said the blonde, ‘that’s not a Porsche. It’s a Ferrari.’
BLONDE COUNTING Q: Why can’t a blonde count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
A blonde goes to the doctor A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. Sit down and tell me how it happened, says the doctor. I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear. ‘What about the other ear and your hand? the doctor asked. She replied, I tried to call for an ambulance.
A blonde goes on a hot date A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. No! yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. For the last time, no! says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, Well, why the hell not? The blonde says, Because I wanna stay up here with you!
A blonde is at work and asks… A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is. She replies It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold . The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos. Her friend asks what is in it and she replies Ice cream and soup .
A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can’t cause otherwise she’ll die. The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones to which she responds again: I can’t, cause otherwise I’ll die . A while later the barber says: Ma’am, you’ll have to remove your headphones otherwise I can’t finish the haircut . The blonde understands and removes her headphones and shortly after that dies. The barber is chocked and doesn’t understand how the blonde died and decides to find out what the blonde was listening to through her headphones. She puts the headphones on and hears a voice saying on repeat: Breath in… and out .
Cop sees several cars parked in the dark, rocking side to side. He goes up to the 1st car and knocks on the window. A brunette rolls down the window and says: It’s ok officer, we are just doing the Samba. Cop goes to the 2nd car and knocks, a redhead rolls down the window and says: It’s ok officer, we are just doing the Mambo. Cop goes on to the 3rd car and knocks, a blonde rolls down the window. Cop asks her: And I suppose you are doing the Bossa Nova? No officer, she replies, I’m just doing the boss a favor.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were being chased by the police… As they were running they saw some sacks, and so they hid in them. When the police got to the first sack, which the brunette was in. He kicked it and the brunette said woof! And the police thought it was a dog so he went to the second sack, which the redhead was in. He kicked that one and the redhead said meow! Thinking it was a cat, the police went to the third sack, which the blonde was in. He kicked it and the blonde said potatoooo the blonde was arrested, and the brunette and redhead got away.
Winning Blonde !!! A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who’s come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up Excuse me miss , but are you done yet? She looks at him and indignantly replies, Well, Duh! I’m like , still winning!
A blonde is driving down a one way street. As all the cars are passing her a cop see’s this and pulls her over. He begins to ask, Excuse me ma’m but do you know where your going? The blonde, No but it must be a horrible place because eveyone is leaving.
A blond, brunette, and a redhead were running from the local sheriff… …when they come to a barn. All three run in and look for somewhere to hide. The brunette sees some potato sacks and tells the other girls they should all hide in them. The sheriff and his deputies arrive and start looking for them. As they’re about to leave, the sheriff spots one of the sacks moving. He walks up to it and kicks the one with the brunette in it. When he does, he hears a loud meooooww! Oh, it’s just a cat. He decides to kick the next one with the redhead in it and hears, arrrrrf! Oh, it’s just a dog. When he sees the one with the blond in it, he kicks it as well, and hears potato!
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island… A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island and they decide to try and swim to shore. The brunette swims 1/4 of the way to shore, gets tired, and swims back to the island. The redhead swims 1/3 of the way to shore, gets tired and swims back to the island. The blonde swims 1/2 way to shore, gets tired, gets tired and swims back to the island.
Three girls are stuck on an island They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *poof* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *poof* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks why are you crying? . She responds I wish my friends were back .
[BLONDE] A BLONDE’S BRAIN AT WORK A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early. Hey girls, says the brunette. Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know. So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. That was fun, says the brunette. We should do it again sometime. No way, says the blonde. I almost got caught.
Two leprechauns win the lottery. Two leprechauns win the lottery and decide to go on holiday to London and party their winnings away. They check in to the most expensive suite in the most expensive hotel in town. This suite is that posh that it has 2 double bedrooms joined by a connecting door. After relaxing a while they head down to the bar where Paddy orders the most expensive bottle of finest Scots Whisky, Mick goes for the a vintage bottle of Champagne which they polish off before dinner. In the dinning room Mick orders whatever is most expensive on the menu, Paddy orders everything on the menu. 2 hours later they are drunk, stuffed and well satisfied. Ay, Paddy this is life. I can’t remember a day so good in all my 340 years , said Mick. True enough Mick. It’s been a fair day, so it has. What’ll we do now….hit a club or the West end? Well, Flower, I’m feeling a bit randy so I am, and with all this money we could hire the best lookin’ girls in London town for a night of pleasure we’ll remember til we die . Within an hour 2 of the most expensive high class and expertly trained hookers in London arrive at the reception desk, and are quickly led up to Paddy and Mick’s Suit. The Lad’s are stunned as the girls are more beautiful than they could have ever imagined. Taking the Russian blonde Paddy casts a wink to his mate Mick, knocks back the last of his 3rd bottle of Whisky and heads for the bed room. The dark eyed Spanish beauty stands up and leads Mick over to the bed and begins to undress…Mick just can’t believe his luck. Half an hour later, despite the best efforts of Isabella, poor Mick has to throw in the towel. Too much drink love , he says sadly, and rolls over to go to sleep. As he drifts off the last thing he hears is Paddy in the next room shouting: One, two, three HUUGGHHH; one, two, three HUUGHHH; one, two, three HUUGGHHHH!!!! Blooody hell, thinks Mick….Paddy having a wild time in there!. The next morning the girls are gone and Paddy and Mick are sitting over a sumptuous breakfast: How’d you get on Mick…was that Isabella up to much. Did she earn her money? , Paddy Laughs. Mick thought about lying, but what’d be the point? After all Paddy was his best mate. Bit of a disaster, so it was, Paddy. The drink got to me and the wee man couldn’t get up. She did everything but I just couldn’t manage to get him working. It’s a shame is what it is. …. At this Paddy bust out laughing: Couldn’t get it up, you say, hey Mick? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed!!
So a redhead, brunette, and blonde walk into a bar… This bar has a magic mirror that consumes anyone who lies The redhead comes in and says I think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and she gets sucked in The brunette comes in and says I think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and she gets sucked in The blonde comes in and says I think- and she gets sucked in
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar…. An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
#long One evening, Broseidon, Al Bundy, Cristiano Ronaldo, Vegeta, San Goku, King Joeffrey, Frodo and Markus decided to go for a drink….. The 7 friends and Markus haven’t seen each other for a few weeks and they were in a good mood to bang some girls. Lorde has a gig in the coolest club in town and the squad decided to go to the club after a short pre-drinking. The pre-drinking took place at Al Bundys home and they had profound discussions. Vegeta to King Joeffrey man do you ever fucked a girl in the other hole? NO of course not! responds Joeffrey, i don’t want to get her pregnant! After short pre-drinking they start their journey. All except Al Bundy. Al was a little bit to drunk for partying. He was standing in the bathroom and told the showerhead to stop crying. The others were on their way. All completely drunk. Frodo saw a tree and climb on it fellers!! that’s the biggest broccoli i’ve ever seen!! The others laughed. BUUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!! a porsche has crashed into the tree. The driver was screaming my porsche! my porsche! my porsche! Broseidon rushes him to help! Hey bro forget your porsche, you’ve lost your arm!! The porsche driver responds my rolex! my rolex! my rolex! Don’t worry dude I’ll take care of it! says Joeffrey! Proud he looks at his new watch! Moments later the paramedics arrived and so the journey of the 6 friends and Markus continues. THIS IS SPARTAAA!!! Cristiano Ronaldo shouted. They’ve reached the coolest club in town! >>>SPARTA<<< It was heavily guarded by 300 doormen. Unfortunately Frodo's worn-out clothes were not classy enough to enter the club. He had to stay outside. Meanwhile Broseidon, Vegeta, San Goku, Cristiano Ronaldo King Joeffrey and Markus went into the club. ---Well, of course, like every other group of friends that enter a club they lost each other a few moments after entering... So everyone has to fight alone to find love--- Lorde was playing on a big stage in the middle of the main floor. Everyone was partying. Broseidon goes straight to a beautiful Lady. After some smalltalk they kissed each other... everything seems fine, but right before Broseidon wants to ask for her number, another guy shows up. And for some reason the Lady was completely into that other guy. Broseidon had no chance to get the girl. He looses the battle against this mysterious guy who calls himself Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. What a dickhead! he's never seen something like that before! Unbelievable... King Joeffrey walks into an rnb-floor and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, Wow, nice legs! She is flattered and replies, You really think so? Joeffrey says, Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now . Cristiano Ronaldo had it going on with a hot blonde lady. The whole time she talks about her husband who died cause of a small flesh wound he was getting in a battle against some wannabe-soldier. He killed the wannabe but later the wound had festered and so he died because of a sepsis, and then it gets all crazy with slaves, witchcraft, fire and all that shit. She said now she's fully into her career and stuff but Cristiano didn't listen, he just wanted to bang her. After sone drinks they went to the toilet to do some grown up stuff. Cristiano riped his clothes off.... doesn't look my body like dynamite? - maybe, but with that short fuse it's worthless! She said and left Cristiano behind crying in the toilet. At the same time King Joeffrey was beaten up cause he had made fun of Kathleen Jenner and the new principal of the scool in town didn't tolerate such intolerant douchebags. Meanwhile Markus wants to get a date. He wasn't a womenizer but he had heard from his friend Stifler that women like tough guys, so he walks up to a lady at the bar and says: eyyy you like tough guys?? - She: hmmm could be - He: Well i don't use toilet paper... - She responds Ohhhhh... raaawwrr... you have to show me ;) Just kidding. She slaped him and ran away. San Goku flirts with a tall girl and he was really into her. He was very politely and also paid her some drinks, then he ask for her number... but the girl responds You find it in the phone book. - but I don't know your name San Goku said. The girl just answered that's in the pone book to! Poor San Goku... Vegeta has watched the whole scene from behind... Sooo back to Broseidon. He's found another cute girl to approach. He get's in touch with her. But suddenly a dude with short pants and a Bowling shirt shows up. This prick told about a beach house in malibu and paaaaff the girl was fallen in love with that strange way to old man. But that was nothing compared to what's next. You should have seen Broseidon's eyes as he flirted with the next girl and suddenly a small ugly guy with a bowl haircut appears. So this dickhead really claimed to be an astronaut. And the worst thing, the chick did believe him!! What a liar! Can you believe that?! I bet this bowl haircut dick still lives at his mum's house Broseidon thought. Clearly that was to much for him. He decided to get completely drunk! After his hopeless attempt before, Markus sits alone at a table and drinks a pepsi. At the table next to him there was a beautiful brunette... Markus wondered what he could say... He knows, everytime he is talking to a girl he says something stupid. Suddenly the brunette stands up and walks away. So he thought I guess it's better this way, it wouldn't have worked out anyway but while he was thinking about how much it wouldn't worked out with her the brunette came back and sit down at the table again. THAT'S A SIGN! he thought WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!! so he empties his pepsi, streches out his chest and walks up to her like a champion heyyyyyy.... you've been pooping? Vegeta had enough... only girls who are way to young and with waaaaayyy to much make up... He get's approached by a lot of girls. One of them, was really persistent. Ironically it was the bitch that had dumped San Goku before. Vegeta remembers her, so he just says Words can't describe how beautiful you are... She awwwwww that's so sweeeeet! :) V: but numbers can. 2/10. Vegeta turns around, and calls a cab. On his way home he was wondering why Lorde had hairy legs... but then he discard the thoughts, cause he had to think about his next biceps workout tomorrow. Finally Broseidon was kissing a gorgeous blonde wich said she works at the cheesecake factory. What he didn't know: the sexy blonde was on her period. But she just thought Ahh he's so sweet and also really drunk, he won't even notice! The next morning Broseidon wakes up alone in the bed wondering what had happened the night before... He gets a shock!!! The whole bed was covered in blood! He just remembers the blonde girl from the cheesecake factory but what happened next? What have he done? Immidiately he runs to the gun locker! GOOD! All cartridges complete so I haven't shot her! he tought. Next he checks the knife block in the kitchen. All knifes there, no knife is bloody Oh good i haven't stabed her! But then he thinks wait a moment... I don't have a gun locker... I haven't even a knife block! Where the fuck am I and what have I done to the girl? In panic he runs through the apartment. Suddenly he stop in front of a mirror... thinking FUCK!!! I'VE EATEN HER!!!!
How do you the difference between a blond man and a blond woman? The blond woman will have a higher sperm count.
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are on a desert island. The blonde, starts swimming home and drowns. The redhead builds a raft, starts paddling then it sinks and she drowns. The brunette uses the bridge.
A blonde walks into a library… A blonde girl walks into a library, and says I would like a BLT with double cheese, please! The librarian replies, Young lady, this is a library. The blonde whispers Oh, I’m sorry. I would like a BLT with double cheese, please.
