Every Time a Fly Goes Down a Few Inches So there was a fish swimming in a pond and it looks up and sees a fly hovering a few inches above the water. So the fish thinks to himself If that fly would drop down a few inches I could jump up and eat it. A bear comes up to the edge of the pond and sees the fish and fly and he thinks to himself If that fly would drop down a few inches that fish would jump up to grab it and I could grab the fish. Now there is a hunter eating a sandwich on the other side of the pond and sees the bear and his opportunity to shot the bear and thinks to himself Man if that fly would drop down a few inches, that fish would jump up and grab it and the bear would grab the fish and I could shoot the bear. There is a hungry mouse behind the hunter wanting a bite of his sandwich. He sees all of this and thinks to himself If that fly would drop down a few inches, that fish would jump up and grab the fly, the bear would grab the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and I could take a bite of the sandwich. Finally there is a cat hiding in the bushes behind the mouse waiting for his chance to pounce on the mouse and he is thinking I wish the fly would drop down a few inches so the fish will jump up and grab it and the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and the mouse will go for the sandwich and I’ll pounce on the mouse. Well, as luck would have it the fly dropped down a few inches, the fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse took a bite of the sandwich and the cat went for the mouse, but the mouse saw the cat and jumped out the way and the cat fell in the pond. The Moral of the story….Every time a fly goes down a few inches a pussy is in trouble
So I bought the new cod game. Best fishing simulator ever.
Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? Kid says, $101,237.64. Boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell? Kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer. The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? Kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing
Texas Chili Cook-off! Texas Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone know s the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 – No Report
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me! I only received super fish oil injuries, but still…
People say that you should drink white wine with fish.. It’s not correct. People shouldn’t drink with fishes.
Little Johnny comes home late from School one day… …and his Dad asks, You’re late, where have you been..? With Jessica. Doing what..? Revising. Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the Kitchen Table and says, Wow, these Fishcakes smell nice. His Dad says, Go wash your hands Son, cos they’re fucking Doughnuts..!
The fly and the Hunter(long) One day, there was a fly, hovering just a couple inches above a stream. Wouldn’t you know a fish was sitting just below the fly thinking to himself, Hey! if that fly drops just a couple inches I’m gonna jump up and eat that thing As this was happening, a bear was watching the fish watch the fly from the bank. the bear thinks to himself, Well shit man, if that fly drops just a few inches that fish is gonna jump out of the water to get it. Imma grab me that fish and have a meal And as luck would have it there was a hunter, crouched in a bush behind the bear. That cheeky hunter was pondering to himself, Well shoot… that fish goes for the fly, bear goes for the fish, I’m gonna shoot that bear and have myself a nice mantle piece While this was all unfolding, the was a mouse in the brush underneath the hunter. that mouse was eyein’ the cheese sammich in the hunter’s back pocket. The mouse squeaks to himself, Ya know.. if that fly drops a few inches, fish gets the fly, bear gets the fish, hunter gets the bear and in all that commotion I’m gonna grab that cheese sammich and have myself some lunch today, Even behind the mouse, there was a cat. The cat, being as clever as he is, has already put together a plan of his own while thinking to himself, That fly drop a couple inches, fish gets the fly, bear gets the fish, hunter gets the bear and instead of that mouse getting that cheese sammich I’m going to get that mouse and have MYSELF a meal. AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, wouldn’t you know that fly DID drop just a couple inches. The fish got they fly, bear got that fish, hunter got the bear, mouse went for the cheese sammich and the cat pounced! and landed in the water… Now, what’s the moral of this story? Fly drops a couple inches, you know some pussy’s gonna get wet.
I’ve got 70 hobbies. ’69’ing and fishing.
Knock Knock. Knock knock. Who’s there? John Galt. John Galt who? … For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge-I am the man who will now tell you. The chief engineer was the only one able to move; he ran to a television set and struggled frantically with its dials. But the screen remained empty; the speaker had not chosen to be seen. Only his voice filled the airways of the country-of the world, thought the chief engineer-sounding as if he were speaking here, in this room, not to a group, but to one man; it was not the tone of addressing a meeting, but the tone of addressing a mind. You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words had no meaning. You have cried that man’s sins are destroying the world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness to practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists of sacrifice, you have demanded more sacrifices at every successive disaster. In the name of a return to morality, you have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to faith. You have sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed self-esteem to self-denial. You have sacrificed happiness to duty. You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then, do you shrink in horror from the sight of the world around you? That world is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it, you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I-I am the man who has granted you your wish. Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have deprived your world of man’s mind. Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who do. The mind is impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose mind isn’t. There are values higher than the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those for whom there aren’t. While you were dragging to your sacrificial altars the men of justice, of independence, of reason, of wealth, of self-esteem-I beat you to it, I reached them first. I told them the nature of the game you were playing and the nature of that moral code of yours, which they had been too innocently generous to grasp. I showed them the way to live by another morality-mine. It is mine that they chose to follow. All the men who have vanished, the men you hated, yet dreaded to lose, it is I who have taken them away from you. Do not attempt to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not cry that it is our duty to serve you. We do not recognize such duty. Do not cry that you need us. We do not consider need a claim. Do not cry that you own us. You don’t. Do not beg us to return. We are on strike, we, the men of the mind. We are on strike against self-immolation. We are on strike against the creed of unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. We are on strike against the dogma that the pursuit of one’s happiness is evil. We are on strike against the doctrine that life is guilt. There is a difference between our strike and all those you’ve practiced for centuries: our strike consists, not of making demands, but of granting them. We are evil, according to your morality. We have chosen not to harm you any longer. We are useless, according to your economics. We have chosen not to exploit you any longer. We are dangerous and to be shackled, according to your politics. We have chosen not to endanger you, nor to wear the shackles any longer. We are only an illusion, according to your philosophy. We have chosen not to blind you any longer and have left you free to face reality-the reality you wanted, the world as you see it now, a world without mind. We have granted you everything you demanded of us, we who had always been the givers, but have only now understood it. We have no demands to present to you, no terms to bargain about, no compromise to reach. You have nothing to offer us. We do not need you. Are you now crying: No, this was not what you wanted? A mindless world of ruins was not your goal? You did not want us to leave you? You moral cannibals, I know that you’ve always known what it was that you wanted. But your game is up, because now we know it, too. Through centuries of scourges and disasters, brought about by your code of morality, you have cried that your code had been broken, that the scourges were punishment for breaking it, that men were too weak and too selfish to spill all the blood it required. You damned man, you damned existence, you damned this earth, but never dared to question your code. Your victims took the blame and struggled on, with your curses as reward for their martyrdom-while you went on crying that your code was noble, but human nature was not good enough to practice it. And no one rose to ask the question: Good?-by what standard? You wanted to know John Galt’s identity. I am the man who has asked that question. Yes, this is an age of moral crisis. Yes, you are bearing punishment for your evil. But it is not man who is now on trial and it is not human nature that will take the blame. It is your moral code that’s through, this time. Your moral code has reached its climax, the blind alley at the end of its course. And if you wish to go on living, what you now need is not to return to morality-you who have never known any-but to discover it. You have heard no concepts of morality but the mystical or the social. You have been taught that morality is a code of behavior imposed on you by whim, the whim of a supernatural power or the whim of society, to serve God’s purpose or your neighbor’s welfare, to please an authority beyond the grave or else next door-but not to serve your life or pleasure. Your pleasure, you have been taught, is to be found in immorality, your interests would best be served by evil, and any moral code must be designed not for you, but against you, not to further your life, but to drain it. For centuries, the battle of morality was fought between those who claimed that your life belongs to God and those who claimed that it belongs to your neighbors-between those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of ghosts in heaven and those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of incompetents on earth. And no one came to say that your life belongs to you and that the good is to live it. Both sides agreed that morality demands the surrender of your self-interest and of your mind, that the moral and the practical are opposites, that morality is not the province of reason, but the province of faith and force. Both sides agreed that no rational morality is possible, that there is no right or wrong in reason-that in reason there’s no reason to be moral. Whatever else they fought about, it was against man’s mind that all your moralists have stood united. It was man’s mind that all their schemes and systems were intended to despoil and destroy. Now choose to perish or to learn that the anti-mind is the anti-life. Man’s mind is his basic tool of survival. Life is given to him, survival is not. His body is given to him, its sustenance is not. His mind is given to him, its content is not. To remain alive, he must act, and before he can act he must know the nature and purpose of his action. He cannot obtain his food without a knowledge of food and of the way to obtain it. He cannot dig a ditch-or build a cyclotron-without a knowledge of his aim and of the means to achieve it. To remain alive, he must think. But to think is an act of choice. The key to what you so recklessly call human nature,’ the open secret you live with, yet dread to name, is the fact that man is a being of volitional consciousness. Reason does not work automatically; thinking is not a mechanical process; the connections of logic are not made by instinct. The function of your stomach, lungs or heart is automatic; the function of your mind is not. In any hour and issue of your life, you are free to think or to evade that effort. But you are not free to escape from your nature, from the fact that reason is your means of survival-so that for you, who are a human being, the question to be or not to be’ is the question to’ think or not to think.’ A being of volitional consciousness has no automatic course of behavior. He needs a code of values to guide his actions. Value’ is that which one acts to gain and keep, virtue’ is the action by which one gains and keeps it. Value’ presupposes an answer to the question: of value to whom and for what? Value’ presupposes a standard, a purpose and the necessity of action in the face of an alternative. Where there are no alternatives, no values are possible. There is only one fundamental alternative in the universe: existence or non-existence-and it pertains to a single class of entities: to living organisms. The existence of inanimate matter is unconditional, the existence of life is not; it depends on a specific course of action. Matter is indestructible, it changes its forms, but it cannot cease to exist. It is only a living organism that faces a constant alternative: the issue of life or death. Life is a process of self-sustaining and-self-generated action. If an organism fails in that action, it does; its chemical elements remain, but its life goes out of existence. It is only the concept of Life’ that makes the concept of Value’ possible. It is only to a living entity that things can be good or evil. A plant must feed itself in order to live; the sunlight, the water, the chemicals it needs are the values its nature has set it to pursue; its life is the standard of value directing its actions. But a plant has no choice of action; there are alternatives in the conditions it encounters, but there is no alternative in its function: it acts automatically to further its life, it cannot act for its own destruction. An animal is equipped for sustaining its life; its senses provide it with an automatic code of action, an automatic knowledge of what is good for it or evil. It has no power to extend its knowledge or to evade it. In conditions where its knowledge proves inadequate, it dies. But so long as it lives, it acts on its knowledge, with automatic safety and no power of choice, it is unable to ignore its own good, unable to decide to choose the evil and act as its own destroyer. Man has no automatic code of survival. His particular distinction from all other living species is the necessity to act in the face of alternatives by means of volitional choice. He has no automatic knowledge of what is good for him or evil, what values his life depends on, what course of action it requires. Are you prattling about an instinct of self-preservation? An instinct of self-preservation is precisely what man does not possess. An instinct’ is an unerring and automatic form of knowledge. A desire is not an instinct. A desire to live does not give you the knowledge required for living. And even man’s desire to live is not automatic: your secret evil today is that that is the desire you do not hold. Your fear of death is not a love of life and will not give you the knowledge needed to keep it. Man must obtain his knowledge and choose his actions by a process of thinking, which nature will not force him t9 perform. Man has the power to act as his own destroyer-and that is the way he has acted through most of his history. A living entity that regarded its means of survival as evil, would not survive. A plant that struggled to mangle its roots, a bird that fought to break its wings would not remain for long in the existence they affronted. But the history of man has been a struggle to deny and to destroy his mind. Man has been called a rational being, but rationality is a matter of choice-and the alternative his nature offers him is: rational being or suicidal animal. Man has to be man-by choice; he has to hold his life as a value-by choice: he has to learn to sustain it-by choice; he has to discover the values it requires and practice his virtues-by choice. A code of values accepted by choice is a code of morality. Whoever you are, you who are hearing me now, I am speaking to whatever living remnant is left uncorrupted within you, to the remnant of the human, to your mind, and I say: There is a morality of reason, a morality proper to man, and Man’s Life is its standard of value. All that which is proper to the life of a rational being is the good; all that which destroys it is the evil. Man’s life, as required by his nature, is not the life of a mindless brute, of a looting thug or a mooching mystic, but the life of a thinking being-not life by means of force or fraud, but life by means of achievement-not survival at any price, since there’s only one price that pays for man’s survival: reason. Man’s life is the standard of morality, but your own life is its purpose. If existence on earth is your goal, you must choose your actions and values by the standard of that which is proper to man-for the purpose of preserving, fulfilling and enjoying the irreplaceable value which is your life. Since life requires a specific course of action, any other course will destroy it. A being who does not hold his own life as the motive and goal of his actions, is acting on the motive and standard of death. Such a being is a metaphysical monstrosity, struggling to oppose, negate and contradict the fact of his own existence, running blindly amuck on a trail of destruction, capable of nothing but pain. Happiness is the successful state of life, pain is an agent of death. Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values. A morality that dares to tell you to find happiness in the renunciation of your happiness-to value the failure of your values-is an insolent negation of morality. A doctrine that gives you, as an ideal, the role of a sacrificial animal seeking slaughter on the altars of others, is giving you death as your standard. By the grace of reality and the nature of life, man-every man-is an end in himself, he exists for his own sake, and the achievement of his own happiness is his highest moral purpose. But neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims. Just as man is free to attempt to survive in any random manner, but will perish unless he lives as his nature requires, so he is free to seek his happiness in any mindless fraud, but the torture of frustration is all he will find, unless he seeks the happiness proper to man. The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live. Sweep aside those parasites of subsidized classrooms, who live on the profits of the mind of others and proclaim that man needs no morality, no values, no code of behavior. They, who pose as scientists and claim that man is only an animal, do not grant him inclusion in the law of existence they have granted to the lowest of insects. They recognize that every living species has a way of survival demanded by its nature, they do not claim that a fish can live out of water or that a dog can live without its sense of smell-but man, they claim, the most complex of beings, man can survive in any way whatever, man has no identity, no nature, and there’s no practical reason why he cannot live with his means of survival destroyed, with his mind throttled and placed at the disposal of any orders they might care to issue. Sweep aside those hatred-eaten mystics, who pose as friends of humanity and preach that the highest virtue man can practice is to hold his own life as of no value. Do they tell you that the purpose of morality is to curb man’s instinct of self-preservation? It is for the purpose of self-preservation that man needs a code of morality. The only man who desires to be moral is the man who desires to live. No, you do not have to live; it is your basic act of choice; but if you choose to live,. you must live as a man-by the work and the judgment of your mind. No, you do not have to live as a man; it is an act of moral choice. But you cannot live as anything else-and the alternative is that state of living death which you now see within you and around you, the state of a thing unfit for existence, no longer human and less than animal, a thing that knows nothing but pain and drags itself through its span of years in the agony of unthinking self-destruction. No, you do not have to think; it is an act of moral choice. But someone had to think to keep you alive; if you choose to default, you default on existence and you pass the deficit to some moral man, expecting him to sacrifice his good for the sake of letting you survive by your evil. No, you do not have to be a man; but today those who are, are not there any longer. I have removed your means of survival-your victims. If you wish to know how I have done it and what I told them to make them quit, you are hearing it now. I told them, in essence, the statement I am making tonight. They were men who had lived by my code, but had not known how great a virtue it represented. I made them see it. I brought them, not a re-evaluation, but only an identification of their values. We, the men of the mind, are now on strike against you in the name of a single axiom, which is the root of our moral code, just as the root of yours is the wish to escape it: the axiom that existence exists. Existence exists-and the act of grasping that statement implies two corollary axioms: that something exists which one perceives and that one exists possessing consciousness, consciousness being the faculty of perceiving that which exists. If nothing exists, there can be no consciousness: a consciousness with nothing to be conscious of is a contradiction in terms. A consciousness conscious of nothing but itself is a contradiction in terms: before it could identify itself as consciousness, it had to be conscious of something. If that which you claim to perceive does not exist, what you possess is not consciousness. Whatever the degree of your knowledge, these two-existence and consciousness-are axioms you cannot escape, these two are the irreducible primaries implied in any action you undertake, in any part of your knowledge and in its sum, from the first ray of light you perceive at the start of your life to the widest erudition you might acquire at its end. Whether you know the shape of a pebble or the structure of a solar system, the axioms remain the same: that it exists and that you know it. To exist is to be something, as distinguished from the nothing of non-existence, it is to be an entity of a specific nature made of specific attributes. Centuries ago, the man who was-no matter what his errors-the greatest of your philosophers, has stated the formula defining the concept of existence and the rule of all knowledge: A is A. A thing is itself. You have never grasped the meaning of his statement. I am here to complete it: Existence is Identity, Consciousness is Identification. Whatever you choose to consider, be it an object, an attribute or an action, the law of identity remains the same. A leaf cannot be a stone at the same time, it cannot be all red and all green at the same time, it cannot freeze and burn at the same time. A is A. Or, if you wish it stated in simpler language: You cannot have your cake and eat it, too. Are you seeking to know what is wrong with the world? All the disasters that have wrecked your world, came from your leaders’ attempt to evade the fact that A is A. All the secret evil you dread to face within you and all the pain you have ever endured, came from your own attempt to evade the fact that A is A. The purpose of those who taught you to evade it, was to make you forget that Man is Man. Man cannot survive except by gaining knowledge, and reason is his only means to gain it. Reason is the faculty that perceives, identifies and integrates the material provided by his senses. The task of his senses is to give him the evidence of existence, but the task of identifying it belongs to his reason, his senses tell him only that something is, but what it is must be learned by his mind. All thinking is a process of identification and integration. Man perceives a blob of color; by integrating the evidence of his sight and his touch, he learns to identify it as a solid object; he learns to identify the object as a table; he learns that the table is made of wood; he learns that the wood consists of cells, that the cells consist of molecules, that the molecules consist of atoms. All through this process, the work of his mind consists of answers to a single question: What is it? His means to establish the truth of his answers is logic, and logic rests on the axiom that existence exists. Logic is the art of non-contradictory identification. A contradiction cannot exist. An atom is itself, and so is the universe; neither can contradict its own identity; nor can a part contradict the whole. No concept man forms is valid unless he integrates it without contradiction into the total sum of his knowledge. To arrive at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of reality. Reality is that which exists; the unreal does not exist; the unreal is merely that negation of existence which is the content of a human consciousness when it attempts to abandon reason. Truth is the recognition of reality; reason, man’s only means of knowledge, is his only standard of truth. The most depraved sentence you can now utter is to ask: Whose reason? The answer is: Yours. No matter how vast your knowledge or how modest, it is your own mind that has to acquire it. It is only with your own knowledge that you can deal. It is only your own knowledge that you can claim to possess or ask others to consider. Your mind is your only judge of truth-and if others dissent from your verdict, reality is the court of final appeal. Nothing but a man’s mind can perform that complex, delicate, crucial process of identification which is thinking. Nothing can direct the process but his own judgment. Nothing can direct his judgment but his moral integrity. You who speak of a moral instinct’ as if it were some separate endowment opposed to reason-man’s reason is his moral faculty. A process of reason is a process of constant choice in answer to the question: True or False?-Right or Wrong? Is a seed to be planted in soil in order to grow-right or wrong? Is a man’s wound to be disinfected in order to save his life-right or wrong? Does the nature of atmospheric electricity permit it to be converted into kinetic power-right or wrong? It is the answers to such questions that gave you everything you have-and the answers came from a man’s mind, a mind of intransigent devotion to that which is right. A rational process is a moral process. You may make an error at any step of it, with nothing to protect you but your own severity, or you may try to cheat, to fake the evidence and evade the effort of the quest-but if devotion to truth is the hallmark of morality, then there is no greater, nobler, more heroic form of devotion than the act of a man who assumes the responsibility of thinking. That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call free will’ is your mind’s freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character. Thinking is man’s only basic virtue, from which all the others proceed. And his basic vice, the source of all his evils, is that nameless act which all of you practice, but struggle never to admit: the act of blanking out, the willful suspension of one’s consciousness, the refusal to think-not blindness, but the refusal to see; not ignorance, but the refusal to know. It is the act of unfocusing your mind and inducing an inner fog to escape the responsibility of judgment-on the unstated premise that a thing will not exist if only you refuse to identify it, that A will not be A so long as you do not pronounce the verdict It is.’ Non-thinking is an act of annihilation, a wish to negate existence, an attempt to wipe out reality. But existence exists; reality is not to be wiped out, it will merely wipe out the wiper. By refusing to say It is,’ you are refusing to say I am.’ By suspending your judgment, you are negating your person. When a man declares: Who am I to know?’-he is declaring: Who am I to live?’ This, in every hour and every issue, is your basic moral choice: thinking or non-thinking, existence or non-existence, A or non-A, entity or zero. To the extent to which a man is rational, life is the premise directing his actions. To the extent to which he is irrational, the premise directing his actions is death. You who prattle that morality is social and that man would need no morality on a desert island-it is on a desert island that he would need it most. Let him try to claim, when there are no victims to pay for it, that a rock is a house, that sand is clothing, that food will drop into his mouth without cause or effort, that he will collect a harvest tomorrow by devouring his stock seed today-and reality will wipe him out, as he deserves; reality will show him that life is a value to be bought and that thinking is the only coin noble enough to buy it. If I were to speak your kind of language, I would say that man’s only moral commandment is: Thou shalt think. But a moral commandment’ is a contradiction in terms. The moral is the chosen, not the forced; the understood, not the obeyed. The moral is the rational, and reason accepts no commandments. My morality, the morality of reason, is contained in a single axiom: existence exists-and in a single choice: to live. The rest proceeds from these. To live, man must hold three things as the supreme and ruling values of his life: Reason-Purpose-Self-esteem. Reason, as his only tool of knowledge-Purpose, as his choice of the happiness which that tool must proceed to achieve Self esteem^as^his^inviolate^certainty^that^his^mind^is…
God made women To start, I’m new to reddit and don’t know if this is a repost, but its one of my favorite jokes. God places Adam in the Garden of Eden. Adam is happy for a while, but over time, God notices that Adam has grown very sad. He says to Adam, Adam, why have you grown so sad. You have a wonderful life here. Adam responds, Well, God, I’m lonely . God then creates all the fish of the sea, birds of the air, and creatures of the land and presents them to Adam one by one hoping that they will make Adam happy. Adam names them all, but refuses them all as a partner. God says to Adam, I’ve made all the fish of the sea, birds of the air, and creatures of the land, but you’ve refused all of them. If you would like, I can make you an equal that is much like you . Adam, rejoicing, says, That would be great! God responds, the only thing is, to make you an equal, I will need to take an arm… Adam ponders it for a while and says, Well, what can I get for a rib ?
Pedantic Jokes Knock, knock. Who’s there? The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A Manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’ The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.’ Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering. So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger. How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says, Why are you wearing a suit? The black man says, I just got back from a funeral What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Would you like an ice pack? Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird. A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, No. No, I don’t. A man called a lawyer and asked, How much will you charge me to answer three questions? The lawyer said $400. Wow, said the man. Isn’t that a lot? I guess so, said the lawyer. When are you going to ask your questions? How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really. Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’ The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’ he says. The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.’ The man says I’m sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all. What’s sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends. Why did the chicken cross the road? Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. Cool thought the mental health worker- those feathers will make for excellent trout flies . He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. God, I love this job , he muttered to no one in particular. Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he’ll let them drink of the holy water. The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith. Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? Because she was blind and deaf. Otto and Beata give birth to a young child. This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgiveable mistake. The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll ya have, Pope? But the Pope’s grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn’t know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves. Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house? No. Well, it’s really nice. Where did Hitler keep his armies? The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes. A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells God damn! as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god’s name in vein and says Don’t say ‘God damn’ say ‘God help us’ . The kid says, I am an atheist, get away from me . What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes. What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? An embarrassing situation Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? She was a schizophrenic. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. What’s the deal with airline peanuts? The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn’t want a Peanut Fee attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It’s free food, and it’s a nice snack. If you’re really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish. How do you make a Swiss roll? Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It’s quite delicious, actually. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag. One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other’s a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry. How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb? I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low. A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. she says. Come again? says the clerk, cupping his ear. I said ‘I’LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS’, says the girl, this time louder. A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS! Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is. First, says the bartender, you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her. The guy think it over and says okay, sure. You have a deal! He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out. What’s he doing? asks the bartender. What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen, she says, her horrified face pale with shock. His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc…the croc ate him. Oh, Jesus, whispers the bartender. Jesus. Nobody says a word. A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. Thank God , he says, I’ve been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last. Eight years? she says, So it’s eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. So is it also eight years since you had a drink? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it’s 25 year old single malt whisky. It’s smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. So, she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, Is it eight years since you played around? Oh no, he says, This is all a dream, isn’t it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming. Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It’s the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone… so terribly alone. An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender’s name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man’s mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address. What’s the difference between a duck? I’m sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say What’s the difference between a duck and a goose? and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl. What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand? A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic. Four blondes are driving to Disney world. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says Disneyworld: left so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth. A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says we’re too heavy, one of you will have to jump! The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don’t want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes. How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money. Why don’t Polish girls swim in the sea? The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in. There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sail-boat. I haven’t seen him in years. As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn’t hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection. A man walks into a bar. He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home. A horse walks into a bar. The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined. What’s eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night? A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.) PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 milligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don’t run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counsellor is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day. PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil. DOCTOR: You’re very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely. PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again. What’s the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills? Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionery product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M’s produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repercussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose – often referred to as an ‘overdose’ – of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops. Why did the Czech tourist cross the road? Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government. How many Germans does it take to change a light-bulb? Only one. It is a simple light-bulb, not an advanced ‘home computer’. Knock Knock Who is there please? Boo I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word ‘boo’, in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case. Doctor Doctor! I think I’ve broken my leg! Yes, I’m afraid it’s a terrible break, the chances are you’ll never walk again. Why can’t women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out? They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms. How can you tell that your girlfriend’s too young for you? Often the level of rapport induced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship’s potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consensual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner. What do you call a man with a tray on his head? If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.
THE EXPLANATION The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. What happened Paddy ? she asks anxiously. What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever! Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy! says his mother-in-law. There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened. Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …. She never got your E-mail!
Grandpa and his grandson go fishing A grandson and his grandpa go fishing. The boy struggles putting his bait on the hook, so Grandpa takes it from him and does it himself. The boy, frustrated, asks, Grandpa, why cant I bait my own hook?” Grandpa replies, Does your dick reach your asshole? No. Then you can’t do it. The boy gets his rod back, and tries casting into the water, and gets tangled in a tree. Once again, Grandpa takes the rod and does it himself. Boy says, Grandpa, can I cast it out myself? No, replies Grandpa. Why not? Does your dick reach your asshole?” No. That’s why. After the bait sits in the water for a minute, the boy feels a bite. As soon as he starts to reel it in, Grandpa takes the rod again. Boy asks Grandpa, why can’t I reel it in? Does your dick reach your asshole? At this point the boy catches on, and says, Yes, yes it does. Grandpa replies, Then go fuck yourself, this one’s mine.
There’s a fly……… There’s a fly flying over a pond he looks down and thinks, I’m thirsty I’ll get a drink of water. A fish sees the fly and thinks, when that fly comes down to get a drink of water I’ll jump up and eat him! Then a bear sees the fish looking at the fly and thinks, when that fish jumps to get the fly I’ll grab the fish! A bear hunter sees the bear eyeing the pond and says when that bear jumps for a fish I’ll shoot him. A mouse sees the cheese sandwich in the bear hunters back pocket and thinks, I’ll follow that hunter and wait for the cheese sandwich to fall out of his back pocket. Then a cat sees the mouse and decided to stalk him and will pounce when the moment is right. The fly goes down to get a drink of water, the fish jumps up eats the fly. The bear lunges and grabs the fish. The bear hunter shoots the bear, bends over to check for life in the bear and the cheese sandwich falls out if his pocket. The mouse runs to grab the cheese. The cat jumps to grab the mouse, misses, and lands in the pond. The moral of the story, when the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.
A blind man … walks into a fish market, pauses and says Hello Ladies!
Vernon Koekemoer A British man on safari walks into a bar far out in the reaches of a game reserve in Southern Africa, he stays at the bar for a while shooting the shit with the bartender and drinking like a fish, he offer to buy the barkeep a round and since no one else is within 2km of their small oasis of liquor the barkeep obliges. The englishman goes off to the bathroom to have a good old go at the porcelain, he’s back and ready for a few more whiskeys. He’s just sat down when suddenly in the distance he hears a scream. He looks over his shoulder and dismisses it as nothing, he turns to the barkeep and orders a drink, takes a sip and hears the scream again. He looks at the barkeep who just shrugs it off. A minute or two later he and the barman hear it again and go outside to take a look. They see a lone figure running towards them screaming, he spots them and lets out a cry, RUN!!!!! HE S COMING!!!!! The barkeep and the Englishman both look at the terrified bedraggled sight before them, and try to calm him down, but he’s completely inconsolable. They give him water and finally manage to get a word out of him but he struggles free from their grasp and run away screaming. A few minutes later the same thing happens with a whole group of men running in and screaming, he’s coming, he’s coming the barkeep grabs hold of one of the men as he tries to sprint past the bar and tries to get information out of him, again no response other than terrified gibberish. The barkeep and his customer are starting to get worried, they start to pack up before another group of horrified natives run up to the bar most of them flee but one tries to hide behind the bar, the barkeep pulls out a shotgun and points it at the terrified man’s face, finally managing to coax some words out of him. He’s coming for us, Vernon Koekemoer is coming for us, we have to hide!!! We have to get out of here. He gets up and tries to run but the barkeep grabs him, feeling trapped in a panic he grabs the barkeeps shotgun and blows his own head off. The Englishman and the barkeep look at each other starting to really panic now. They look out of the window and off in the distance they see a tornado coming towards the bar, at the bottom of the tornado they see the hugest beast of a man they have ever seen, as he gets closer they spot that he is riding a rhinocerous and using a crocodile as a riding whip, with each smack of the crocodile across the back of the rhino the louder is screams and the faster it runs, the tornado following it getting ever larger. The 2 look at each other and start to fortify their position, they’ve got a gun and they’re waaay to drunk to run, so they start piling bar stool and tables and anything they can get their hands on to make sure they’ll be safe when he arrives. They’re not gonna make it, they can see the man slowing down his rhino, by now the crocodile is nothing but reptile paste on the bruised rump of the half dead rhino, the rhino drops down dead from exhaustion and crashes to the ground right outside the bar the tornado loses it’s last breath in a cloud of dust as the huge man crashes his way through the make shift barricade and charges up towards the bar where the 2 men have taken shelter, he grabs a bottle of the hardest liquor on the shelf and down the entire litre in 1 gulp, he peers over the bar sobbing and sees the 2 defenders cowering down behind the crates of beer, they look up at the mans’ face and he stares at them with a look of complete and utter hopelessness, he stares at them for a half second and half screams, half sobs, Oh my god what are you still doing here!!! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!! Vernon Koekemoer is coming!!!! If you’re South African you HAVE heard this one.
The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, But what do you do with the rest of your time? The fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se or. The American scoffed. I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise. The fisherman asked, But how long will this all take? To which the American replied, Fifteen or 20 years. But what then? The American laughed and said, That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions. Millions? Then what? The American said, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.
Context is Key She’s so coy. Is she part fish?!
A fisherman comes home to his wife A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate. After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I’m starting to feel that you don’t love me as much as you used to. The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, My love for you hasn’t changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!
Keith Moon was Nuts Another insightful nugget of trivia from Opie. Oh you means the rock drummer that put fish and explosives in his drums was nuts ?
Two women are talking You look upset, what’s wrong? It was my husband’s birthday yesterday, so I gave him a set of fishing lures. Great gift! You told me he goes fishing every weekend for the past ten years. Yeah… he opened it, looked inside the box and asked me What the fuck are these?
Movies, TV Shows, and Books summarized in 1 sentence….. add your own Moby Dick: Here fishy fishy Walking Dead: Where’s Carl? Arrested Development: Ha ha eww whoa ha ha? Italian Job: Little cars can be cool Harry Potter: Ron is a wuss Hunger Games: Hey, lets team up during a free for all Saw: Ow, ow, ow ow, owwww! Treasure Island: There is none 42: How basketball was invented Fast and Furious: Muwagggghhhhhh 2 fast 2 furious: Muwagggghhh LAME Toyko Drift: Quiet drifting Fast and Furious 4: Vin Diesel Fast 5: Ocean’s 11 with Cars Star Wars Ep 5: Redneck Family Reunion Star Wars Ep 6: Michael Bay version of New Hope Man of Steel: Osama bin Zodin Dark Knight: She wasn’t that pretty anyway Dark Knight Rises: Who would win in a fight between Darth Vader and Batman? . Catwoman? Tron Legacy: Jeff Bridges is Back Secret Garden: *takes the easy way out
It’s a lot of fun to tell this one if you’ve been drinking, but it’s not easy. So there’s this fly hovering 12 inches above the water. And there’s this fish whose looking at this fly, thinking If that fly drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get that fly. But there’s this bear looking at this fish, whose looking at the fly, thinking, If that fly drops 6 inches, that fish will get that fly and I can get that fish. But there’s this hunter looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at this fly, thinking If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish and I’ll get that bear. *Pause for a drink* But there’s this mouse whose looking at the hunter whose looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at the fly, thinking If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear and I’ll nab that hunters sandwich. But there’s this cat whose looking at the mouse whose looking at the hunter whose looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at the fly, thinking If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the sandwich and I’ll get that mouse. … All of a sudden the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up, gets the fly. Bear runs out, gets the fish. Hunter shoots the bear, runs out to it. Mouse goes for the sandwich. And the cat pounces for the mouse, over shoots it’s target and lands directly into the stream. Do you know the moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.
Does your dick touch your asshole? So a father and his son go on a fishing trip. The son asks the father, dad? Do you think I could try fishing? The dad says, well son…can your dick touch your asshole? The son says uhhh… no. Dad says, well fuck you kid, you can’t fish . Years down the road, the dad gets a new car, and takes the now 16 year old kid for a drive. The son asks, Hey dad I’ve been practicing, do you think I could drive? Dad says, well son…can your dick touch your asshole? Son says, no dad, my dick can’t touch my asshole. So the dad says then fuck you no you cannot drive. Years later down the road, the son wins 20 billion dollars in the lottery. The dad calls him and says, Hey son! I’m really struggling. The bank wants to take my house and I’m in debt. Do you think I could borrow some of that money? Son says, well dad, can your dick touch your asshole? Dad says, son…you know it can Son says, then go fuck yourself and hangs up.
The Pope comes to visit A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, Give it a shot father . After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! The priest rebukes the fisherman, Uh, please sir, can you mind your language? Quickly thinking, the fisherman says, I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – a sonofabitch! They’re very delicious. Why don’t you take it back to the church. Apologetically, the priest says Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t know. Thank you for letting me keep the fish. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. The priest says to the Bishop, Look at this big sonofabitch I caught! The Bishop then rebukes the priest, Please, mind your language, this is a house of God. To which the priest responds No, you don’t understand – that’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch! Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner, says the Bishop, So he takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Head Mother, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight? asks the Bishop. Shocked, the Head Mother replies, My lord, what language! The Bishop corrects the nun, No, sister, that’s what the fish is called – a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it. Assured, the Head Mother says, Hmmm. Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight. Little did they know that the Pope just happened to drop by for an unannounced visit to the church. It seemed like an act of Providence that they had a delicious freshly caught meal to serve him. After the meal, the Pope wipes off his chin and says, If that isn’t the most delicious fish I have ever eaten. Where did you get it? Eager for the Pontiff’s approval, the priest says, I caught the sonofabitch . Not to be outdone, the Bishop says, And I cleaned the sonofabitch! The Head Mother adds in, And I cooked the sonofabitch! The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, You know, you fuckers are all right.
An Irishman reels in a magic lamp… Two Irish men are fishing on a lake when one of them reels in something strange. The Irishman sees he has reeled in a magic lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the one man thank you for freeing me from that lamp. I have been trapped in there for ages. To show my thanks I shall grant you one wish. The one Irishman thinks for a second and wishes for the whole lake to turn into beer. The lake is instantly changed and the genie goes on his way. The wisher looks at his friend and says what do you think about that? The other Irishman replies I think you’re an asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.
Corny Joke I Heard On The Radio What did the one fish in the tank say to the other? Do you know how to drive this thing?
Online Dating Ok so there’s this girl and her friend talking about their dating lives. Girl 1: Oh my god, I am just so sick and tired of the dating scene! I swear there are no good guys left in this world. I give up. Girl 2: You know what your problem is? You’re going about this all wrong. Stop meeting guys in bars and clubs and try something different. What about Tinder or OKCupid or Plenty of Fish? There’s plenty of other options for you! Just be careful because there are a lot of creepers out there. The girl takes her friends advice and starts online dating; opening up profiles at just about every site there is. But, to filter out the creepers and bad guys, she makes 3 simple rules in her profile. Rule #1 – You can never beat or hit me in any way. Rule #2 – You can never run off on me with another woman. Rule #3 – You must be amazing in bed. Well, the guys start coming in and she goes out on few dates. The first guy was handsome, but seemed like too much of a bad boy with issues. Seemed like he would have too much to drink and lose his cool. Another guy was a total casanova, but a little too smooth, she got the vibe that he was a total player and would probably run off with another woman. Right when she is about to give up all hope again she hears her door bell ring. Ding dong! She goes, answers the door but nobody is there. ??? Looks left, nobody. Looks right, nobody still. Finally she hears an *ahem* and lo and behold, on the floor, there is a man, leaned up against her doorstep with no arms and no legs. The man declares… Honey, look no further! I am the man of your dreams! Oh really? She says giving him the most confused look a woman in her position can give. What makes you think that? Well, I have no arms, so I can’t beat or hit you. Good point, she replies. I have no legs, so I can never run away. I see. And how in the world, with no arms and legs, do you think that you are amazing in bed? The man gives her the dirtiest, sexiest grin and says… I rang the door bell didn’t I?
God shows up in the Garden of Eden looking for Adam and Eve. Eventually he finds Adam alone and asks him, Where is Eve? Adam says, Well, last time i saw her she was taking a bath in the river. God, looking annoyed, asks him how long she’s been in there. I guess a couple of hours. Really, shit! What’s wrong? asks Adam. Now I’m never going to get the smell out of those fish.
On a hot summer’s day. two Rumanian women were sitting outside their hut eating salted fish … And one says to the other – how come there’s flies all over this piece of fish I’m eating but there’s none on that piece of fish you’re eating? And the other woman replies You mean you had clean underwear to put on today? I didn’t. Disclaimer: this joke has NOTHING whatsoever to do with the Jokes poster who uses the nic saltedfish ….
A man walks into a fish and chip shop… A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a live trout under his arm. Excuse me, do you sell fish cakes? he asks. Looking a little confused, the owner replies, Yes, of course we do Great the man responds, smiling at his trout, It’s his birthday.
A partisan joke for election day Jacob, Jonah, and John aren’t getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. I’m sick of you guys bickering. You don’t appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon as a human publishes a book that mentions your accomplishments together, you can come back to heaven. And you know what, take Satan with you. He’s always sowing discord among you, so he’s part of the deal too. Jacob, Jonah, and John are a little ticked off and eager to get back into Heaven ASAP. Satan is on board, too, because he wants to get back to tempting souls into eternal damnation. They decide to fulfill God’s task in the most smart-ass way possible, by getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Jonah says, I spent three days and three nights in the belly of a fish, so surely I can break the record for holding my breath underwater. John says, I was plunged into boiling oil in Rome and suffered not; surely in this unholy age no man can match me. Jacob says, I wrestled with God for an entire night; surely I can break a mortal record for strength and endurance. Satan says, I have sole authority and responsibility for dashing people’s hopes of salvation and tricking them into everlasting torment, so surely I’m the biggest asshole in the world. They agree that their plan is foolproof, so they each make an appointment at Guinness headquarters. The next morning they drive together, wish each other luck, and go to their respective appointments. Twelve hours later, they meet back in the lobby. Jonah says, I made it into the book! A Danish guy held his breath for twenty-two minutes, so I held mine for twenty-three, and I spent the rest of the day signing autographs for kids who were here to stack cups and recite pi and stuff like that. Jacob and John give him their congratulations, but Satan just rolls his eyes. John says, It took plenty of convincing, but they let me jump into boiling oil and awarded me a record for human heat tolerance! Then I took a long hot shower and explained all the symbolism in Revelations to some guys who turned out to be huge fans. Jacob and Jonah give him a give five and a pat on the back, but Satan snorts in irritation. Jacob says, I’m surprised, the world record for pushups was pretty tough! Still, it only took me ten hours to beat the 24-hour record. The rest of the time they had me taking pictures and filling out paperwork. Jonah and John congratulate him, but now Satan is literally hopping mad. So… Satan? How’d that biggest asshole thing go? GODDAMMIT, WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN BOEHNER? Republicans, fire back with jokes, not downvotes!
I can’t keep a steady job! I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax. I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job. I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting. I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn’t cut the mustard. I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn’t note worthy. I worked as a doctor but I didn’t have any patience. I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn’t live on my net income. I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining. I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn’t up to it. I worked as a historian but found out that there’s no future in that. I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip… That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners. The Rabbi says my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple. The Islamic imam says, my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot. The Baptist minister says, My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!
Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish!
A Bright Future In Sales A country boy moves to the city and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says Yeah. I worked at the general store back in Possum Holler. Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One . The boss says Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Possum Holler, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), So, how much was your one sale for? The kid looks up at his boss and says $101,237.65 . The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition. The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!? The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should just go fishing’. The kid was promoted to Dept. Manager.
Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop… … One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.
Bridge to England A man who goes around a harbor in Denmark, looking longingly towards England, as he has always dreamed of visiting. The problem is that he suffers from a severe fear of flying and being utterly seasick just at the sight of a ferry. So it is a little difficult to get he dream of England fulfilled. Suddenly he notices an antique-looking bottle in the water. He fishes it out and pulls the plug out of it. To his great surprise a spirit comes out of the bottle . Thank you, says the spirit. As a thank you for releasing me, I can fulfill your deepest and most fervent wish. I can currently only fulfill one, so think carefully. Well, says the man, that is great. So I would like to have a direct bridge going from Denmark to England . Hmm , says the spirit pretty worried, It is a very big wish ! – Don’t you have anything else you really want ? Yes , the man says , I’ve also always wanted to be able to understand women. Ok , ok , replied the spirit quickly, how many lanes should the bridge have ?
The blue gorilla. (Shaggy dog joke) The Blue Gorilla. (Warning, very long) there was once a great photographer, who prided himself on taking a picture of every animal on earth, from the most common bug, to the rarest fish . Well one day, at a big party celebrating the Photographer’s 1,000,000th picture, an old man approached the photographer. So he said, You’ve photographed every animal on earth have you? Yep he said Every one . the old man looked at him with doubt. How about the Purple Gorilla he said. Of course , said the photographer. The Red Gorilla asked the old man, one of my best said the photographer, with an air of smugness. The old man pondered for a moment Well, how about the Blue Gorilla Asked the old man. Blue Gorilla? said the photographer, Theres no such thing as a Blue Gorilla . Oh yes there is said the old man He lives on a golden throne, in the biggest room, in a huge diamond palace on top the highest mountain in the most dangerous jungle in all the Peru the old man said And every photographer who has ever gone looking for him, has never returned . The photographer thinks for a moment, Theres is certainly no such thing as a Blue Gorilla, is there? he thought But if there is, then I MUST be the first to photograph it! So that very night, he bought his plane tickets to peru, and by morning, he was off. He landed at the airport in peru the next morning, and hailed a taxi. once he got in he said to the old taxi driver, Take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! said the driver, I can’t take you there, he’ll rip off my arms and beat me with them! But i can take you to his jungle . so off they drove to the edge of the jungle. Once they got there the photographer was greeted by an old explorer, the photographer asked Can you take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! says the explorer I can’t take you there, he’ll rip off my legs and force me to run on his treadmill! But i can take you to the base of his mountain. so they walked to the base of the mountain. Once they got there, the photographer was greeted by an old sherpa, the photographer asked Can you take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! said the sherpa I can’t take you to him, he’ll rip off my head and make me play football with it, but I can take you up the mountain . so they climbed up the mountain. for three days they climbed up the mountain, then four, then five, the mountain got steeper 45, 60, 75, 90, 100 degree angles they climbed, until finally, they made it. It was just like the old man said, a giant palace made entirely of diamonds. I can’t believe it! said the photographer, as he approached the giant diamond door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive golden door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive steel door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive iron door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive golden room, and at the end of the room was a massive copper door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive stone door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive wooden door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive bead curtain. he pushed the curtain aside, and behind the curtain, was a big banquet hall, and at the end of the banquet hall, sitting on a massive throne, was a BIG, HARRY, BLUE GORILLA. Oh my god the photographer said He’s real, there really is a Blue Gorilla! he took out his camera and started snapping pictures, hundreds of pictures. finally he ran out of film, and started packing his camera away, then he had a thought. Hey he said That Blue Gorilla hasn’t moved the entire time i was here, he could be FAKE for all I know, I need to touch him just to be sure . So he carefully walked up to the throne, leaned over to the Blue Gorilla, reached out his hand, and gently poked his face. The Blue Gorilla sprang out of his throne and growled GRRRAWR said the Blue Gorilla. The photographer screamed! AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big wooden door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big stone door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big copper door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big iron door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big steel door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big golden door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big diamond door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRR AWWWW said the Blue Gorilla. NO , said the photographer, i’d rather jump off the mountain than be killed by the Blue Gorilla! so he jumped off the mountain. as he fell he said, Finally, i’m safe then he looked up GRRRR AWWR said the Blue Gorilla, as he plummeted after the photographer! the photographer landed safely in a haystack at the mountain’s base, he ran and ran, the Blue Gorilla in hot pursuit. Then, in the distance, he saw the taxi driver at the edge of the jungle. HELP HELP! he said, THE BLUE GORILLA IS CHASING ME he quickly jumped in the back of the taxi, and they sped off. Phew he said, I’m finally safe . Then suddenly, he heard a tap on his window. GRRAWR said the Blue Gorilla, running alongside the taxi. AAAHHH said the photographer, as he lept from the taxi, hitting the pavement hard. The photographer started running. He looked around quickly, the Blue Gorilla just seconds behind him. Then, he saw it, a plane! He ran towards the pilot and screamed HELP HELP, THE BLUE GORILLA IS CHASING ME . He lept into the plane, and they took off. Phew said the Photographer, I’m finally safe . then suddenly, he heard a tap on his window. GRRRAWWWR said the Blue Gorilla, as he hung from the wing. AAAHHH said the photographer, as he lept from the plane. as he fell he thought to himself, I’m Finally safe, I’d rather splatter than be killed by the Blue Gorilla . Then he looked up GRRRAWWWR said the blue gorilla, as he parachuted from the plane. The photographer landed in a lake, he crawled out of the water and lay on the shore. he heard the Blue Gorilla land safely a few meters from him. Thats it he said I can’t go on, i’d rather be killed by the Blue Gorilla than keep running like this . The photographer stood up, he closed his eyes and waited. GRRRAWWWR the Blue Gorilla shrieked, as he walked closer to the photographer. Then, the Blue Gorilla walked up to the photographer, leaned in, reached out his big blue finger, carefully touched the photographer’s face and said Tag, you’re it My dad told me this joke.
I used to work at a call center that marketed phones to OLD people… Got so bored and sick of dealing with old people I started classifying them… Seniors, we love em and interact with them every day. With this in mind, lets take a look at the different types of seniors we meet. I’ve had the chance to speak with many types of seniors while working at a call center, here is a list of a few of em… Senior Lonely. These seniors tend to call in around the holidays or weekends. They talk to you as though you are a long lost friend not caring about the fact they don’t know you. Be prepared to listen to all their senior related problems. Senior Heavy Breather. These seniors, whether mean or nice tend to breathe really heavy on the phone. Most don’t realize it and most won’t do anything about it if you tell them. Be prepared to put them on hold a lot to give your ears a break. Senior Fat Fingers. These seniors tend to be angry at the world because it seems JUST too small to put their finger on. Be prepared for such things as this phone won’t dial correctly Or these buttons are too small!! There really is no remedy for this other than suggesting a pencil and a magnifying glass. Most of these seniors suffer from arthritis Senior Grumpy: These seniors call in grumpy and require much attention to detail to win them over. Mostly the issue they call about can be traced back to either not knowing how to, or forgetting what they did do Senior Happy: These seniors are happy and can almost be counted on to tell you how wonderful life is. Whether on vacation 50 times a year OR happy your service is cheep these seniors will add a smile to your face. Be grateful for them!! Senior know it all: These seniors seem to know the answer before even giving you their account number. These seniors will use antiquated or nonsense terms like Digital analog to describe a cell phone they were shown just yesterday and how its better than the GSM phone you provide. They will also argue and demand 100% Proof that the .25 cent call made from their phone was indeed Made from their phone. Be happy they don’t have your home address Senior Frisky: If you are a desperate agent you might wish these seniors were 25 years old, as they tend to want to flirt with you. This stems in part from loneliness and well .. friskiness!!!. Most are harmless flirt types but just watch out for Senior Hard core!! Senior Hard Core: These seniors Stress Everything they say. If they are angry, they stress that to you verbally. If they are flirting, they stress that as well. Everything to the extreme. They can turn a small thing into a huge problem. Be happy for the times they stress how glad they are to have talked to you.. Senior Stumper: These seniors can vary from innocently making a point or backing a newer rep in the corner with an obscure point as to why they should get a credit or not pay their bill. Most can be disarmed by looking over their bill. The rest will continue to try to stump you on everything they ask with regards to their account. The best defense is a good offense, just have a polite game plan. Senior PMS: These seniors seem to almost always wake up on the wrong side of the couch or call in with a back ache from falling asleep in the lazy boy chair while watching A Lawrence Whelk special. Most will be moody and short tempered and sound slightly slobbery when calling in. Just be nice and straight to the point when helping them. Senior Quote: These seniors never say anything on their own, they must always quote others or obscure things that someone else has told them. Most of the time it takes a little coxing to get their issue resolved. Be sure to always give them correct information, least they quote you to the next rep. Senior Blame Others: These seniors live by the motto Why blame yourself if you can blame others . In dealing with these seniors, be sensitive and follow their lead. Just point out the mistakes (the other person made) and correct them but be sure to say the other person should have told you blah blah. Be happy and positive with these seniors. Senior Long talker: These seniors will talk until out of breath and turning purple. They will carry a conversation that would normally take 5 minutes to a whole day if they could. You must be firm in dealing with these seniors. Be sure to assist them but be firm and to the point. You will need to keep them on track with issue at hand. These seniors will gladly offer free lectures!! Senior inquisitor: These seniors are almost always on the high horse. Sitting high and talking down to you. These seniors think they have everything already worked out and are just testing you Waiting for you to give the wrong answer. Trick is to not be wrong. Senior Show off: These seniors love to remind younger people that although they are no longer young, they have a fancy home, yacht and a car you can only dream of. Most of these seniors are harmless unless they feel threatened that you may have more than them. I’ve found the best way to diffuse these seniors is to go along and stoke their ego by saying Great, You earned it Senior No Clue: These seniors really have no clue and are not afraid to admit it. Unlike other seniors who get embarrassed, these seniors openly admit they need help. Be happy when helping these seniors, they really need it. Senior Dispute: These seniors call just to argue. It does not even have to be about their service. They call just to pick a fight and dispute what ever you tell them. the world if round or The sky is blue no worries, they will dispute that as well. These really is no pleasing them. Just concede the point and get off the phone asap. Senior Instigator: These seniors will start off the conversation peaceful enough just to hide their true intentions. They will usually insult your intelligence in order to start a problem. Be it a true fact or some made up point, they will insult you to no end or until they are too tired to carry on. Just take what they say with a grain of salt. Senior Whinny: These seniors almost always originate from New York or Kentucky. They will almost always start off the conversation whining about how bad the service is and how they have a bill due. There is no advice I can give on these senior types as it tends to be location based. Senior I didn’t do it: Sorry I did not make that phone call, I don’t know who did . These seniors will almost always deny their actions and will always demand proof. The best way to deal with them is to call the number they said they did not dial and find out it was a call to their grandson Senior Super security: These seniors will always refuse to give the last 4 digits of their social security number. Even though they gave it to you to open an account. They will offer 101 excuses as to why they should not give it. Just politely remind them its needed to access their account. It may take 30 minutes of reminding them The longest recorded incident was almost 55 minutes!!! Senior wisdom: These seniors are always wonderful to assist. Towards the end of the call they will generally change the subject and offer some friendly advice, which for the most part you can use in your daily life. Great people are always wonderful to talk to. Senior Techno Babble: Cell phone becomes mobile communications device and Car charger becomes mobile power charging device for phones. Whether a different longer way of saying it or a senior made up word, these seniors pride them selves on knowing what’s what. No sense in correcting them. If you do, they may become Senior Grumpy: Senior Political: Whether getting angry with Roosevelt raising taxes or actually talking about politics in this decade, these seniors will never hesitate to share their political views with you. They take pride in themselves that they have a captive audience to spout politics to. Just don’t say anything, pretend it’s a bad dream Senior Indirect: You hardly every get to talk to these seniors. They always have a son or daughter call in to take care of their business. When verifying the account you can always hear them in the background feeding needed information to their children to give to the rep. In some rare cases the children may get upset or tired and ask to have you talk to their parent. When directly addressing Senior Indirect be sure to be supportive of their needs. Most of the time it’s to cancel service. Senior Tough Talker: If words were muscles, these seniors would be about 15 feet tall and weigh 900 pounds (full muscle) Usually when reps don’t do something that Senior Tough Talker wants they will threaten to call the Attorney general, alert the FBI and call Homeland security because of the 25 cent charge on their bill. Don’t feed into them or be scared, just patch them to a supervisor. Supervisors make more money than you for a reason. Senior No Fair: Any time you have a special for new customers Senior No fair Will call in. Be it a free phone case or 10 dollars less on your first bill, these seniors will call in and demand the same treatment and discount. There is so few of these seniors its actually a good thing to just give it to them. Senior Quizzer: (special Senior) This is a name of a senior I dealt with. She questioned every little aspect and was quite rude. She would quiz me on things I told her earlier in the conversation. Grab a note pad and take notes because Senior Quizzer is most likely doing the same. Senior Credit Fisher: These seniors are usually long time customers and only call in with minor problems. This is just the lure though; most of the time they play it out like a huge issue. My phone is broken (rep) Please hold red button down (Senior) Oh it works now I need a credit for this though Senior Credit Fisher will try or say anything it takes to get credit on their bill. If it’s small just give it to them and save yourself a headache Senior Health Talker: Whether it’s the Boils on the bottom of their feet to the violent bowel movements they experience after eating out at a Mexican restaurant. These seniors will never hesitate to tell you about it. Some senior heavy breathers have been known to talk about health issues when confronted about their heavy breathing. Senior Shaken voice: These seniors will talk in a very shaken voice. They may sound like Senior Helpless or Senior Indirect but these seniors don’t mind being upfront and confronting their issues head on. Nor are they helpless. They are quite harmless to deal with. Senior Fixed Income: These seniors live month to month and have no qualms about letting you know that. Typically they can just be good honest seniors looking to save money or a Senior Credit Fisher in disguise using fixed income as an excuse or ploy. Most of the time it’s just an honest senior looking to save money. Senior Old Speaker: These seniors will use old terms like That’s Trick or don’t be a square Another one is when they say they had to pay two bits Old speakers tend to think about the past and don’t care much for today’s way of saying things. Old speakers are generally harmless, and don’t mind taking the opportunity to tell you how much two bits is in todays speak. Just assist them using normal talk. Senior Rusher: You would think the way these seniors rush you through the call they had a hot date at the senior center dance meet. No worries, these seniors are determined to stay active, healthy and young. Don’t take it personal; they do that with everything in life. Just pace yourself and help them out. Senior Squabbles: These seniors put up mild arguments about things ranging from their monthly statement to when they used the phone last. Senior Squabbles are typically weak willed and just simply like to argue in a mild manner. Just roll with it Senior Life Story: These seniors tell some of their life stories. Whether it’s something interesting or something along the lines of what they did to their Aunt Sally pet bullfrog back in 1934. You can always count on some interesting story that has nothing to do with why they called in. Some of their stories are actually neat to hear Senior Freebie: These seniors are excellent at sniffing out any free offers they can come across. Almost all conversations will lead to getting something free. Unlike Senior Fixed Income & Senior Credit Fisher these seniors just want something free. They can be rich or poor it does not matter. Offer them a free pamphlet with our newest merchandise. Senior Fancy words: Senior fancy words likes to at least 2-3 old time words per conversation. They pride them selves on knowing such words and often enjoy telling you what that means. Most of the time they give a slight pause to let the word soak in and see if you know what it means. The best remedy for this is to have Google at hand. If your quick enough you can give a quick response with the meaning of the word. This usually throws Senior Fancy words for a loop and they will quickly end the conversation. Senior Braggart: Unlike other seniors who brag about very specific things, these seniors will brag about almost anything. Killed a stray rat with my walker to bragging about how they found a new way to deal with junk mail, these seniors will be sure to let you know!!! Senior No credit: These seniors have spent their entire life using cash and have no built credit. Sadly when it comes time for a credit check they won’t pass. I always hated telling these seniors that I could not open an account Senior Whiz: These seniors first off know just about everything about their service. They know their mobile numbers, rate plans and billing cycle. They even know how to dial AAA using the quick dial. They usually call in to go over things they already know just to impress you on how great of a customer they are. Chances are Senior Whiz will remember who they dealt with last Senior Clarification: These seniors require clarification on everything you tell them about their plan. They also tend to call in weekly or Bi Weekly for further clarifications on what they are signed up for, monthly cost etc. These are our bread and butter customers who keep us busy!!! Senior Check up: These seniors sort of display behaviors associated with Senior Indirect: and Senior Insecure: However they have no problem dealing directly with you. The main thing that sets these seniors apart from other seniors is they will always call back and ask that rep if the last rep did what they wanted. Most often confirming what the last rep did or said will end the call, however Senior Check Up can very quickly become a Senior Instigator if they feel in a rotten mood. No advice for you on these seniors except make sure you notate the account and do exactly what you told them you would do for them. Senior Feel Sorry for me: These seniors play the victim and put on a sad act. Their act is to make you think they need to cancel. Most of the time they will manipulate a conversation and try to make you feel like you are the one that backed them into a corner to quit service. They give pauses hoping you will save them with phone credits or free stuff. These seniors usually call back and speak to another rep to restart service for a few months before repeating the Feel sorry for me cycle. Really you can’t help them as this may happen to 1 in every 50 seniors!! Senior Favorite Rep: These seniors feel as though they have built a reputation with a certain rep and thus by only speaking to that rep will in turn receive better service or special breaks ie: credits, special rates etc. Nothing short of a miracle will get Senior Favorite Rep to talk with a different rep. I’ve found it easier just to get them to whom they want to speak with Senior Rude Behavior: These seniors typically display rude behavior that’s not always directed at the rep. Be it a senior belch or a slow paced tinkle in the potty, these seniors are oblivious that you can hear what’s going on in the background. Most seniors are nice to you but just display behaviors that are best left in private. Don’t tell them you can hear, they will get embarrassed Senior Ghost Caller: That’s not a prank phone call, its just gramps talking about grandma to his best friend while his cell phone is in his back pocket!!! Seems all them calls he never makes are because he sits on his cell phone. Just note the account for the next rep and hang up Senior Insecure: These seniors require special handling when working with them on their account. They really don’t want the service but they know that as soon as they drop it they will need it right away. They hang on by the thread and are never sure about what to do. Just take them by the hand and make them feel good about their service Senior Multiple Speak: These seniors have a million things racing thru their mind (which I suppose keeps them going) but its when they talk that you can quickly become confused. They tend to ask a question followed by another question followed by a statement followed by another question combined with a statement that often has nothing to do with why they called in the first place. They may be a hassle for you but let them vent it all out than inform them you are not as fast as they are and will need to handle one issue at one time Senior New Age: These are people who have just reached the 65 mark and really are in touch with the goings of today’s society. They may display any of the typical senior behaviors but are more confident when doing so (with the exception to senior indirect and other timid senior behaviors) Just usher these new seniors in and be nice.. Senior Denial: If these seniors lost 1 year for every time they denied their age they would be about 50 years old. They sometimes flex their voice to sound younger and hate giving their Date of Birth for credit checks and such. NOTE: If a senior Denial gives the last 4 of the social but not the Date of birth you can be sure it’s a Senior Denial and not a Senior Super Security!! Just follow the rules for credit checks Senior My Way: These seniors almost always try to buck the system using their own methods and reasoning. You are always expected to go along with their way of doing things. Whether its them saying they paid ahead and expecting you to agree and confirm with them what they said is true. When really they paid current and past due amount. Just keep repeating in your head I’m not going crazy, I’m not going crazy Senior They Said: This is not to be confused with Senior Stumper or Senior Quote; these seniors have no qualms about making up a full fledge fib. Always quoting that imaginary person they these seniors will say anything to prove to you that what they told them is correct. Just tell them that they was wrong Senior Drama: Forget that grandma Lulu lost gramps to a 20-year-old women. Forget that during the senior dance fest grandma was dancing too close to the DJ!! . These seniors love to cause drama with every breath they take. Typically these seniors are taking care of their grand children because their son or daughter decided it was too hard. These seniors are typically on a fixed income but always manage to get by. They may exhibit behaviors often associated with Senior Low Income or Senior My Way. They will almost always tell you about the grandchildren Senior Smoker: Is that Grandpa or Grandma? I can’t tell!!! Who knows because it’s Senior Smoker!! These seniors are always mellow unless they call before the morning cigarette and cup of coffee. It’s best to get their name first!! Never assume it’s a man or women Senior Identifier: These seniors always get the first word in and always start out by identifying themselves. Rep: Thank you for calling consumer.. Senior Identifier: Hello this is John Smith I have an account with you and I am also a AAA member for 30 years. My address is My home state is Senior Identifier almost always never starts off with the correct information needed ie; Account number or 10-digit cell phone number. Just allow them to babble and act as though it means something, than politely ask for the 10-digit cell or account number. Senior Distractions: Whether its the 24-hour Bingo channel blaring in the background or gramps playing with his false teeth Senior Distractions will always have a distraction for you when calling in. Just try to ignore the distractions and go about helping them. Senior Distractions can sometimes become angry and feel like you are ignoring them Senior Heavy Thought: Forget asking questions, these seniors will ponder for minutes what you tell them. They will use their own logic and reasoning to decipher what you tell them. After several minutes of thinking Senior Heavy Thought: will finally come up with a course of action or request they want you to consider / do for them. Just grab a book while you wait… Senior One Liner: These seniors (typically males) will always have that one line they want to say before the call ends. Most of the time its an opening or closing line. Sometimes it requires the conversation to be lead to a subject where the senior can pop off his or her one line. Senior one liner will feel as though their call went sour if they are not allowed to pop off their one line. Senior One Liners are easy to work with after they have said their one liner Senior call a lot: These seniors call in a lot just for the sake of feeling busy and or important. Not really having a good reason to call they often can be spotted checking their minutes or going over their rate plan. They typically call in 2-3 times a or1-2 times daily.. Senior Call a lot is easy to work with most of the time Senior Vocabulary and phrases that will help you understand senior speak. Mobile Communication Device: This is senior techno babble for Cell Phone. Let me think about this: A senior’s way of saying I don’t get my social security until the 3rd of the month. I did not make that call: This is a senior’s way of saying I don’t remember making that call My phone is not old, I’ve only had it 5 Years: This is a seniors way of saying My phone should not warring down until its physically broken OR I hate the thought of having to buy another phone These buttons are too small: A Seniors way of saying, My eye sight is poor OR I have big fingers and can’t dial numbers correctly I did not use the service that month: In Senior speak this means I should not have to pay since I did not use the phone I’m a long time customer: This means I expect good service and any special discount you haves My phone is broken: This could mean anything from I don’t know how to turn my phone on and am embarrassed to admit it OR I don’t know how to call out but this is my indirect way of asking for help . I don’t call my self: (when being asked for the 10-digit cell number) This is senior speak for I can’t remember my cell number because I never use it This instruction Book you sent is worthless: I don’t know enough about my cell phone and am hinting at needing help with my phone I’ll get my grandkids to help me with this: In senior speak this means, I am still not understanding you and need to see how to do this OR I am tired and want to get off the phone I need to return this phone: most commonly this is the senior way of saying I want to cancel service I need go over my bill: Another senior way of saying I don’t understand why my bill is this much OR There’s numbers on here I don’t remember calling but I am too embarrassed to admit I can’t remember so I am going to deny I made these calls Seniors are sure a mixed lot that requires special treatment, when dealing with seniors remember that they over all have a right to be respected and their issue handled. How you handle the issue depends on the senior type. With this senior spotting guide I hope you can spot the different seniors and know ahead of time how to handle them.
The man with the small head. A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old timer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the bloke and said, Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small? The old man looked at the boy and replied, Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you… The boy listened curiously as the man explained, One day I was fishing off the jetty when I got a huge bite. And I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I must’ve caught a whale!’ No kidding? pried the boy. But, when I reeled it up, the man continued, to my surprise, it was a *gorgeous* mermaid! Well, she was absolutely petrified when she saw me and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free… And? interjected the boy. Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How ’bout a little head?’
What’s the difference between… What’s the difference between dubstep and a fish on the floor? Nothing as long as you drop the bass.
Let’s get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don’t work if you read them I’ll start: What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh!
10 Inch Bic Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies Yes I do! and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks Where did you get this? The guy replies Oh I have a personal genie. The first man asks Can I make a wish? Sure says the other man Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing Ok I will says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says I want a Million Bucks The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head The guy says to the other Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he? The other man replies I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
Stanley… Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain’t Stanley . The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain’t Stanley. The mortician asked, How can you tell? Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes. What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two ass-holes.
What’s the difference between fish and meat? If you beat your fish, it will die.
Give that Man a Fish I once taught a man to fish. He ended up offing himself because he couldn’t get into a good fishing college.
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the first man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!
Why are fire engines red? Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian around, so that’s why fire trucks are red!
