gets on the mic with the usual we’ll be cruising at x altitude and traveling at y velocity arriving at etc etc and finally ending with enjoy your flight with yada Airlines . Unfortunately he then neglected to shut of the microphone . So the next thing everyone hears is the Captain saying to the co-pilot, man those last few drinks upset my stomach. You are in charge for a while…I’m gonna go take a shit … and Then I’m gonna try to get that stewardess to blow me, so it might be a while… The stewardess is mortified and quickly runs to the cockpit to inform the captain about the indiscrepancy. Just then an old lady yells What’s the big hurry honey?, he said he was gonna take a shit first! An airliner is in flight and the captain…
Gigantic, on the Dark Side and powerful enough to destroy a planet. I like my coffee how I like my Death Stars:
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. First post sorry if its a repost Give a man a plane ticket…
Give them a ticket for a flight on Malaysian Airlines and hope that they will live up to their reputation! How do you get rid of somebody?
God doesn’t think he’s a pilot. What’s the difference between god and pilots?
God has willed Neil Armlong and Edwin Aldrich have left the Earth and will not return. These brave men know that there is no hope for a safe return. We told them over the radio just a little while ago. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by their pets and by both democrats and republicans. In their exploration, they stirred the coffee, and that coalescent mankind. In the old days, when my grand pappy looked at stars over Texas and saw his heroes in the constellations, Washington, Jesus, JD Rockfeller. Today, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood, like Homer Simpson. Others will follow, we’ll stack them up there. Man’s search will not be denied. Even he we have to invade Iraq to bring a man home safely. We’ll do it. For every human being who looks up at the moon will know there are ‘mericans up there who died practicing their love of planets. Nixon’s speech in case of mission failure was released… I rewrote it if GW had been in office.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, ‘Where have you been?’ God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ‘Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.’ Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ‘What is it?’ ‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.’ ‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, ‘I’m still confused.’ God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. ‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.’ God continued pointing to different countries. ‘This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’ The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, ‘What’s that one?’ ‘That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.’ Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, ‘But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.’ God smiled, ‘There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.’ Washington State
God: Adam, Eve, I have a very important decision for both of you to make. Throughout the day I have created the beasts of the land and have bestowed upon them traits and abilities. I have given flight to the birds, speed to the cheetah, the ability to breathe underwater to the fish of the sea, and so forth. Now I have only two traits left, one for each of you. You get to choose between yourselves which one you will take for your gender. Eve: So what do we have to choose from? God: The first is the ability to pee while standing up and the- Adam: OH OH OH! THAT ONE! I WANT THAT ONE! God: Very well. Adam, you and every man after you will urinate standing up. Eve you get multiple orgasms. It was the end of the sixth day of the Creation and God summoned Adam and Eve.
good thing it was in airplane mode. My phone fell from the 20th floor,
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane. Won’t do that again
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. You know, he says, I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, What would you like to discuss? Oh, I don’t know, says the guy, smiling. How about nuclear power? OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is? The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, I haven’t the slightest idea. So tell me, says the blonde, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit? Never mess with blonds
Guy goes to Jamaica on a business trip. Upon landing in the airport, he realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He goes in and see this tall Jamaican man using the stall next to him. Not being able to help himself, he glances over at the man’s penis and sees WELMAN tattooed on it. The business man finishes up, washes his hands, and goes outside the bathroom door. When the Jamaican man comes out he walks up to him and says, Sir I’m sorry for looking in the bathroom and I just have to know, what does WELMON mean? Is it a native thing? The Jamaican man replies, No, mon. I’m just having a bad day. It actually says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, mon!’ Jamaica
Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie. I’ll give you one wish, says the genie. I’d love to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii. Geeez! said the genie. I know I said ‘anything,’ but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I’m afraid you’ve wished for something that’s virtually impossible to do, even for me. Please, wish for something else. Okay, how about this. I just want to understand women. Asking the Big One
Guy walks into a bar with 2 sheep, a pillow, and a stone letter ‘N’. Bartender says, ‘what’s with all that?’ Disgusted, the man explains, The pillow is down, the sheep are female and from Thailand, and this letter weighs 16oz and made from the stone of another planet. Bartender: ‘that doesn’t really explain anything’ guy: I met a beautiful, exotic woman and when she asked ‘what is your wish my master?’ I thought she was a submissive not a genie, but she gave me what she thought I wished for…2 Thai ewe, down, and a hard, pound ‘N’ of Uranus Guy walks into a bar with 2 sheep, a pillow, and a stone letter ‘N’.
Guy: How many planets are there? Girl: 8 Guy: Wrong, 7 after I destroy uranus How many planets are there?
hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced. After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she’ll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery……. Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost. There are 11 blondes…
he agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy. Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said please, can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane ? The pilot replied, I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise . (He thought the mad man couldn’t do it) The mad man went in, after some minutes, the plane was silent as if an angel had had just appeared. After some time the mad man came back and told the pilot that everywhere was cool now. The pilot became happy and asked how did you calm them down? The mad man replied, I opened the door for them and told them go and play outside! The pilot fainted… A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Texas to Mexico…..
He bought plane tickets and everything! My friend really wanted to film a pilot for his TV show!
He brought the whole plane down. Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed…
He called the airplane crash hotline: 911. A man working at an airport control tower when he notices a crash about to happen.
He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island. He starts a fire. Builds himself a hut. Starts a sizeable garden so he won’t have to eat Ms. Oinky. Time passes. He starts getting lonely. Manual release stops being quite so gratifying. Ms. Oinky starts to look a lot more attractive. He resists because it’s wrong. It’s disgusting. But in the end he couldn’t resist. He walked up behind Ms. Oinky, feeling terrible about himself. He lowered his tattered pants…all of a sudden the dog went batshit crazy. It charged right at him barking and snapping. It was inches away from biting his dick. The guy runs away and the dog immediately calms back down. The guy damn near has a heart attack and decides to get back to the whole island survival thing. He makes some crude tools out of rocks. Digs an irrigation ditch for his garden. Starts work on a rudimentary still. But soon, he starts to feel urges again. His hands are rough and calloused, sore from long days of hard labor (and a lot of masturbation). Ms. Oinky starts looking good again. This time he plans it. He walks to the far side of the island with the dog. They play fetch for an hour. The dog finally collapses on the beach, having a happy dog nap. The man sneaks away back to where he left Ms. Oinky. He steps behind her. Lowers his pants. Closes his eyes and tries to remember what boobs look like. Then out of fucking nowhere that damn dog EXPLODES out of the bushes, barking his damn head off. The guy sets a new world record for pulling up pants. What the fuck is up with that dog? The next day a plane crashes off the shore. It hit pretty hard, and none of the doors opened so the guy assumed there were no survivors. He decides to swim out to it and see if he can find anything worthwhile to salvage. Inside it’s kind of dark, but somehow he stumbles onto an unconscious survivor. He swims them back to shore, and in the middle of CPR he notices the survivor is a woman, and she is HOT. Not just hot like any woman would be hot to a guy who’s been trapped on a deserted island for months would be hot, like objectively gorgeous. The babe coughs a couple of times and looks around. She grasps the situation pretty quickly and says some of the usual damsel in distress stuff, Oh my hero! you saved my life! I’ll do anything to repay you. The guy was kind of zoning out while staring at her –I mean, it’s been awhile since he’s seen anyone, let alone anyone so gorgeous– but that last sentence snaps him back to reality. Wait, he replied, you’d do *anything*? She looks back at him seductively (well, as seductively and someone who was just damn near drowned could…which in her case was still pretty fucking seductive) and said Anything. He gave her another good long look. Then said, Great! Do me a favor and hold that dog! A man washes up on a deserted beach…
He crashed his plane onto his brothers scrap metal yard. Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot?
He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower: Guess who? The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says: Guess where? (from my old flight instructor) 🙂 A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing…
He decides to throw a small private party and invites the candidates running for president this year. He invites Hillary Clinton, Jeff Bush and of course the smart and talented Donald Trump on his private jet party. They are the only people on the jet plane and are flying over the tropical islands. After about couple of hours of cruising, the pilot cries frantically, We seem to have a problem, the plane is going to crash due to some malfunction. We have only 4 parachutes and the plane will crash in 10 minutes. So the pilot picks up a parachute and jumps quickly. Now the 4 passengers are left with three parachutes and are trying to decide who will get the parachutes. So Donald Trump announces, I am the smartest person and America needs me, I am going to be the next president, so I have to live. So he picks up the parachute and jumps right out the plane. Now only Obama, Hillary and Jeff are left in the plane. Obama says, Since it is my last year as a president, I have served two terms in the USA and I have fulfilled my goals, you guys should take these parachutes and live. Hillary Clinton interrupts, Have you guys seen my backpack, I think Trump just took that instead of the parachute and jumped. Since this is Obama’s last year…
He didn’t like being a pilot that much anyway. My dad got fired recently for sleeping on the job.
He didn’t planet right Why did Pluto miss the solar system party.
He explains, The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer. When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, Just relax. Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say… Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now. He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room…
He had a plane to catch. Why did King Kong go to the airport?
He heard he would get to watch the inauguration on a plane Why did the foreigner vote for Trump?
He hops on a plane and arrives at the airport where his dad is waiting on him. Daddy: Hey, Jed! Good to have ya back in town. Jedidiah: Glad to be back, daddy. Daddy: So tell me. What did ya learn there at college? Jed racks his brain and decides on his memory. Jedidiah: Pi r^2 Daddy: What are they teaching you in college? Pie are round! Redneck son Jedidiah returns from college for the summer
He is stacking boxes of washing up liquid in a display window. You lying son of a bitch! She yells. You told me you were a stunt pilot! No. He replies. I told you I was part of the ariel display team. A woman walks into a supermarket and sees the man she recently spent a night with.
He leans over to his copilot and says, hey, I’m gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first. A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.
He leans over to his Grandson and says Laddy, you see that pier out in the water? I built that with me own hands. I planed it straight, and sanded it smooth, but do they call me MacGregor the Pier Builder? No. And Laddy, you see the bar here? I built it as well, even hand carved the ends. But do they call me MacGregor the Bar Builder? Nooo. Listen here Son, you screw ONE goat … Gand father sits with his Grandson in a pub
He looks out of the window and says to his family, You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy! His son looks at him and says, Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy. Donald says, Son, that’s a great idea! His wife turns to him and says, Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy! Donald looks at her and says, Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I’ve heard! The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, As long as you’re at it, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy? Donald Trump is flying over New York City
He lumbers over to the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The barkeep walks over and says, damn boy, what’s wrong with your head? The man sighs and says, it all started when my plane went down in the Sahara desert. My pilot suffered what I can only suspect was a brain aneurysm and I don’t know how to fly, so our plane crashed right into a sand dune. Miraculously, I emerged unscathed. I wandered around the desert for what must’ve been three days, when finally, I came upon a beautiful oasis. I drank deeply of the cool water and as I did so, I looked down and saw a gleaming lamp. I picked it up and rub it, and a genie emerged. The genie thanked me for freeing him and informed me that for my effort, I would receive three wishes to be granted. With the first wish, I asked to be taken out of the desert and brought home, and soon as I’d made the wish… I was home! After having a good meal and showering, I decided that after that ordeal, I never wanted to work again, instead spending the rest of my days relaxing and helping those less fortunate, so I wished to be the world’s richest man… and let me tell you, my friend, after checking my bank account, I can assure you that I am. The barkeep, jaw hanging, stammered, well… that’s quite a story. But what about the third wish? Oh, I wished for a giant orange head. A man with a giant orange head walks into a bar.
He performs circumcisions and uses the foreskins to make wallets. The best feature of the wallets is if your flight gets cancelled and you are stuck somewhere all you have to do is rub your wallet and it will turn into an overnight bag. Did you hear about the doctor in new York city?
He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere. A Malaysian man buys a new phone…
He replied, an Aeroplane just flew off over my head, What can a car make a difference … Screamed on a drunk to get out of the road
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. You talk? he asks. Sure do. the dog replies. So, what’s your story? The dog looks up and says, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, Ten bucks. The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? Cause he’s a fucking liar. He didn’t do any of that shit. A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: Talking Dog for Sale.
He said Yes if it’s on autopilot I asked an alien if they let their women drive the spaceships…
He says, Attention passengers we are going down. To help with the weight of the plane and attempt to save some lives we are gonna kick people off the plane in alphabetical order. The plane goes quiet but the people agree and a flight attendant let’s the pilot know. Once again the pilot comes over the speaker and says, we will now start the removal process. First is A. Do we have any Africans? Plane is quiet. Okay B’s, and blacks? Plane is silent. Okay now for C’s, any Colored people? Plane is quiet again. The pilot continues through the alphabet as a little black boy turns to his mother and asks, mom, aren’t we Africans, blacks, and colored people? She says, yes but today we are niggas. The boy turns in his seat to the Mexican boy behind him and says, Haha, your gonna jump off before we do. The Mexican boy smiles and says , that’s what you think but today, I’m a wet back! (sorry is this offends anyone) A airplane is going down midflight and the pilot comes on the intercom.
He sees an old buddy: Guy: Hey man what have you been up to? Buddy: Nothin! What about you? Guy: well i just took sky diving lessons! Its crazy, we learned all about how to jump out of a plan safely and how to land….then after that we went up in the plane for real. But i gotta say, its way different once you get up there, 3000ft up is crazy! The instructor opened up the door and i told him there was no way i could do it, i couldnt jump. So the instructor told me if you dont do it, im gonna fuck you in the ass! Buddy: oh my god, so did you jump? Guy: well a little at first. So a guy is walking down the street…
He shot a pilot a few month back Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting
He sits down and notices an empty seat next to him. He thinks Fucking hell, I hope I’m by someone good. Then a woman sits next to him. Long blonde hair, big tits, short skirt on, white shirt on and no bra, everything good is showing. She says to him. Hello, what are you doing on this plane, then? The man replies I’m going on a business trip, what about you? Oh, I’m going to this sex convention to speak about how penis sizes vary between race. The man says Oh, ok. Interesting. She replies, Yes it is. Did you know that Native-Americans have the biggest penises? No, I didn’t. What else? She then says, Also, Jewish people know how to use them better than any other. They know how to please a woman the most. The man says, while trying to hide an erection, That’s interesting. The woman then asks, By the way, what’s your name? The man then replies, My name? Well, my name is Geronimo Solomon. TL;DR Oh well, you should’ve read it. It’s a good joke. A man is on a plane for a business trip and a hot woman sits next to him…
He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he’s never heard before. He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, Why the long face? The Englishman says, I’ve had a disappointing trip. I don’t suppose you could tell me a good American joke before I returned home? A joke! says the cabbie. Sure, I got a joke for ya: A chick’s walking down the street and she comes up to the intersection. On her right, there’s a guy in a car. Right in front of her, there’s a guy on a horse. On her left, there’s a guy on foot. Which one knew her? I’ve no idea, says the Englishman. Which of them did she know? The cabbie grins and says, The horse manure! The Englishman cracks up so hard he’s out of breath the entire ride home. Naturally as soon as he gets off the plane, he tells everyone his new joke, but no one ever laughs. Finally his brother asks him, You seem awfully depressed lately, is something the matter? I’ve heard a marvelous American joke while I was in the States, he says, But no one else seems to enjoy it. I can’t imagine why, it’s brilliant. Why not tell it to me? I like to think I have a fine sense of humor. Go on, let’s have it. Well, all right: A young lady is having a stroll and comes upon a crossroads, where she sees three gentlemen. At her left, there is a motorist, ahead of her, an equestrian, and at her right, a pedestrian. Which of them were familiar with the young lady? I’ve no idea, says his brother. Which? HORSESHIT! says the Englishman, And I think it’s hilarious! An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke…
He survives the crash and is taken captive by tribesmen. He is taken to the chief of the tribe who tells him that the punishment for trespassing in their jungle is death. He says they are a fair tribe and other him a chance of freedom if he completes 3 tasks. The pilot, ecstatic about possibly living agrees without hesitation. He is taken to a clearing with 3 identical huts. The chief says In the first hut is 6 bottles of the finest Russian vodka, drink them all in an hour. After that, in the second hut, there is a lion that has not eaten for days because he has a bad toothache. You need to remove the tooth using only your hands and you only have an hour. In the last hut there is a woman from the village who has never been satisfied sexually. You have only an hour to satisfy her. . The pilot, just thinking about survival rushes into the first hut. To everyone’s amazement an empty bottle of vodka is tossed out every 10 minutes. An hour goes by and the pilot stumbles out of the hut completely drunk. After a couple of tries he eventually makes it into the second hut. Almost instantly the lion starts roaring and the pilot starts screaming. This goes on for about a half hour then it goes silent. A few minutes later the pilot stumbles out, claw marks all overn and clothes just covered in blood. He stumbles up to the chief, reeking of booze, leans in and asks, So, where is the lady with the toothache? A pilot crashes while flying over an African jungle…
He turned around briefly and yelled 60KG! and then ran off to catch his plane. An Arab man was walking really quickly through an airport because he was about to miss his flight. Along the way the security yelled wait wait! Because he passed a checkpoint without stopping
He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties. Water, water… croaks the Nazi pilot. I don’t have any water, unfortunately, apologizes the Jewish man. I do have these lovely neck ties though. Would you like one? You stupid, filthy Jew, curses the Nazi. Can’t you see I’m dying? I need water! You’re right, I’m so sorry, says the Jewish man, pointing toward the setting sun. If you head in that direction about ten kilometers you’ll find a fancy country club. I’m sure they’ll be able to help you. Faint with thirst and furious at the Jewish man, the Nazi stumbles toward the setting sun. He stumbles back three hours later. They won’t let me in without a tie. A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.
He was a terrible pilot. My dad died on 9/11…
He was commisioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost. It’s all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We’ll get there in time. The Pope took the wheel with the limo driver sitting in the back seat. He drove like an expert, taking sharp turns easily. The Pope, not wanting to be late for his flight, didn’t realize how fast he was going. Soon the red and blue lights flashed behind him. It will be okay, son. The Pope reassured the limo driver, who was nervous about getting fired. The police officer walked up to the driver’s side. The Pope lowered the window, to the officer’s surprise. Uh, do you know how fast you were going, your Holiness? I didn’t mean to, sir. It won’t happen again. The officer let the him off with a warning. He then called into dispatch. Any problems, officer? No, ma’am…just stopped a really important person. How important? Im not sure, but his driver was the Pope! On a limo driver’s first day at work…
He was gonna hijack a plane but he didn’t want to use his miles Credit: Hesh from The Sopranos Note: I’m Jewish, not sure if that makes it better or worse 😉 Did you hear the one about the Jewish terrorist?
He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent. He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the Fok- The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker, the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to- The Finn had to interrupt, Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts. A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.
He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia My brave uncle died on September 11, 2001
He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia. Please don’t joke about 9/11, my uncle was on one of the planes.
He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia… People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11…
He’d be called Two Planes If Two Chainz orchestrated 9-11
He’d say it was awful if he could get on the plane. What did the Syrian say about the airline food?
Hello everyone. I want to start a new character on Planet Earth. I’ve heard Earth is ruled by Reptilian type race and Annunakis… and I know there are races existing such Alpha-Draconians, Amphibians, the elder race Anakim… and… even such ancient race like the Atlans…. so many.. I even heard that the giants Els from the Orion group are on earth and even named Israel … the Egyptian Goddes of fertility Isis … Ra… and the El … and I could name soooo many more.. BUUUUUUUT… apparantly I can only choose the Human race with it’s subgroups Blacks, Whites… and many Asian type sub races… Which one I should choose and where is it easier to gain wealth and a very high level? What if I spawn in a poor location ? I ‘ve heard that earth is ruled by the rule *the Poor get poorer and the Rich get richer *? Maybe someone can recommend the location too!!? Plus nowadays it’s very easy to play the Female character… You can even make money just from using your body!!! I’m not sure how they do that.. except that they use their reproductive organs…… Do they make children and sell them ? The meaning of making money with your body >:/ Earth is sooo complicated, I guess that’s why the only race available to me right now is Humans :/ I’d really like to be some kind of ranged/intelligent class of profession. SOOO COMPLICATED!!! Which Race/Location and Profession is best to play on planet Earth?
Help me please! There’s a little plane on my phone and I can’t call! Should I call the pilot for him to delete it? My friend’s teacher everyone :
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you. What are the odds of *two* guys being on the *same* plane at the *same* time with a bomb?! Helpful advice for travellers…
Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, Would you like some headphones? He replies, Yes, that would be very nice, but it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’. Henry Winkler on a plane
Here comes the aeroplane! What did mummy tower say to the baby tower
Here comes the aeroplane… How did Osama Bin Laden feed his kids (OC)
Here is a [link](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar) And here it is copy pasted for the lazy So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me New Yorker takes on 12 Pianist joke
Here we are, once again. It’s time for some laugh-words. First up, we’ve got some big movie news. Transformers 4 is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won’t let go of your Doritos. More movie news, the trailer for the new X-Men flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping. This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie’s farts at a nearby Long John Silver’s. TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes. In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin. And finally, the new Xbox will utilize the cloud – so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named GeneralFatPenis69 . Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it! Topical Jokes (5/21)
He’s such a wookie pilot. I had three Star Wars jokes prior to this. But none were any good. Why would anyone trust Chewbacca to fly the millennium falcon?
He’s told to deliver a top secret package to a guy named Goldberg, and given his address. He’s told to use the passphrase The night-bird sleeps at dawn to identify himself. So, he takes a plane, to a train, and then a cab, and finally arrives at the guy’s apartment building. He goes up one flight and knocks on the door. Guy answers. Are you Mr. Goldberg? Yeah . The night-bird sleeps at dawn. Ohhhhh you want the other Goldberg. He lives upstairs in 3B . Young man gets hired as a secret agent…
He’s unsure of the pronunciation, not sure if its Hawaii or Havaii , so when he gets off of the plane, he looks for a local. He finds a guy that appears to be a local and asks him, is it pronounced ‘Hawaii’ or ‘Havaii’? The local responds Havaii! The traveler then says thank you, that he was really confused and the local really cleared things up and the local replies you’re velcome! A guy is flying to Hawaii…
Hey guys, don’t know if you’re familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I’d post a bunch of the here. They’re pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy! *Take A Breather* by Justin Hale *How to Become Famous* by Anonymous *Living Long* by Diane Perish *How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank *I’m So Greedy* by Jenna Russ *How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic *How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day *Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti *Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat *Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye *Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net *Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover *The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum *Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott *The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe *Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane Books Never Written
Hey remember when you said if a needed a place to crash i cou- hold on ****to copilot**** STOP CRYING ROB WILL HELP! Rob thank God you picked up!
hey! I’m sending this message via internet explorer so it might be slow but quick! There is a plane heading for the twin towers! call somebody before it is too Urgent!!!!
Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week! I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad. Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school–I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures. There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. You know Michael, he started as I prepared my apology, I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you. I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy. Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself. Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night. From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons–some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM. However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid. The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out–probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover. None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, Clear! As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag. Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move. What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about? We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here. He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me. I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. Robert? I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. You mean to tell me that all of these guys They’re all your family? Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. The Story of Mike Doe!
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, I want to go to Disneyland. Hilary says, No problem, I’ll take you there on my campaign airplane . The second kid says, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. Hilary says, I’ll get them for you, and even have Michael personally sign them! The third kid says, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset! Hilary is a little perplexed by this and says, But you don’t look like you’re disabled. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning! Hillary Clinton goes jogging [long]
Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve. Hillary tells the bartender: Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I’m tired and thirsty from all the campaigning. Donald Trump then says: Merry Christmas! I want a drink too. He then looks closely at the bartender and says, You are incredibly ugly. And bald. I hate ugly people. I have always been a very beautiful man. Because I’m beautiful and a winner and ahead in all the polls by 30 points, I have slept with all the beautiful women in the planet. Wish your mother had killed you when you were born! Everyone is shocked. But Trump is on a roll. When I’m President, I will have all the bald, ugly men and the fat, ugly women deported. And only the most beautiful people will be allowed to enter the country. Nobody can believe their ears. They stand there too shocked to say anything. Finally a reporter, who was also there, asks Ted Cruz, Sir, are you shocked by this behavior? Ted Cruz says, Of course. This is disgusting. Hillary said ‘Good evening’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’ Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar
his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper. Dad , he said, I don’t want to jump out of airplanes. Rubbish , his dad said, I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you’ll be a paratrooper. Don’t worry, they’ll teach you all you need to know. So the kid went off to the Air Force. When he returned after basic training, his dad asked him how it went. Dad, I’m not cut out to be a paratrooper. When I got to the door to jump, I froze. His dad said, When I was in the Air Force, we had drill sergeants who would help you jump. Didn’t you have a drill sergeant? Uh, yes , the kid said, and he came right up behind me and hollered – If you don’t jump, I got 10 inches of hard meat that’s gonna go right up your ass. Well , his dad asked, did you jump? A little at first , the kid replied. When the kid graduated from high school…
His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes. Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky. The teacher said, I’m sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft. The Ace said, certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Mescherschmits. One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2
His task is simple: he is being dropped behind enemy lines to aid the resistance and weaken the enemy from within. He is to parachute down at the edge of the forest. There will be a bike waiting for him at one of the trees, with a bag filled with civilian clothes and the necessary papers. He has to use the bike to get to the nearest town, where he is supposed to meet up with his contact in the local bar. He jumps out of the plane at the right moment, and soon he sees the forest approaching beneath him and pulls his chute. The string detaches and his parachute fails to deploy. Great. He pulls the backup chute but this too fails to deploy. Well ain’t this just great. I love it when they plan stuff poorly. I bet you that the bike won’t be where it should be, the clothes won’t fit me and the bar won’t be open when I get there. A man is being paradropped behind enemy lines.
Hodgson responded Shut up and pick a seat on the plane Wayne Reportedly Wayne Rooney said to Roy Hodgson I don’t know if I’m better on the left, middle or right
Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He’s thinking to himself: oh yea, let’s make some quick cash off this bimbo . This is how it ensues: Lawyer: Hi, we’ve got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let’s play a game, what do you say? Blonde: Ok, sure, what’s the game about? Lawyer: I will ask you a question, if you don’t know the answer, you need to pay me $20. Then you ask me a question, if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you $200. Deal? Blonde: Ok, sounds great! What’s your question? Lawyer: What’s the square root of 625? *Blonde hands him $20.* Lawyer: What a shame the answer was 25, what’s your question? Blonde: What’s triangular, but actually square with a hole in the middle, has three legs and runs up and down the hill? Lawyer at this stage starts to sweat a bit, tie feeling a bit tight, takes his smart phone and starts Googling the crap out of this, can’t find a thing… Talks to a few of his golf buddies, couple of CEOs, rings a few Zoos, finally he gives up and hands over $200. The blonde takes the money. After a while the lawyer starts losing his patience and sais: ok, you got me what’s the fucking answer??? *Blonde hands him $20.* Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke
How about that airplane food? Edit: I’m so sorry. So, uh…
How do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot Black guy in a plane
How do you get 500 bricks out of a plane? -Open the door and throw them all out! What three steps do you take to fit an Elephant in a fridge? -Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge! What four steps do you take to fit a Giraffe in a fridge? -Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge! The lion was holding a birthday party, and all the animals arrived but one. Which one? -The giraffe, it was still in the fridge! Sarah needs to cross a river infested by hungry corcodiles. The crocs live on the left side of the river. Sarah swims across the left side, and survives. How? -The crocs were at the lions birthday party! Sarah was trying to find her grandfathers special treasure, buried deep in the jungle. But she died before she even got there. Why? -She was hit by 500 falling bricks! The Loop Of Bricks
How do you organize a space party- you planet What do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars- T Rex What do you call an everyday potato- commentator How do you put a baby alien to sleep- you rocket I’m going to open an ISIS themed cafe called Allahu Snackbar – our food is the bomb.
How do you organize a space party- you planet What do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars- T Rex What do you call an everyday potato- commentator How do you put a baby alien to sleep- you rocket List of cheesy jokes
How do you throw a sink out of the plane? Open the damn window and just push it out. Well, now tell me how do you fit an Elephant in a fridge? Open the door and shove him in. How do you fit a Hippo in the fridge? Open the door, remove the elephant and put the Hippo in. Little Julie was playing in the field and suddenly she died, how? Well the damn sink fell! If you’re so smart then tell me
How does a solar system have a party? They planet How does a solar system have a party?
How many 210 lb policemen does it take to throw a 140 lb suspect down 3 flights of stairs? None, he fell. How many 210 lb policemen does it take
How the fuck should I know, I’m just the drone pilot. What’s the difference between a terrorist training facility and a preschool?
How the hell am I going to get these 100 goats onto the plane? I’ve just been to the Travel agents to pick up my spending money for my trip to Greece.
http://www.itchyflight.com/mean-insults-and-comebacks-good.html Mean Insults, Good Comebacks, Insulting Quotes – Itchyflight.com
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. A guy walks into a bar…
I asked him how the lessons went and he tells me: We got up to cruising altitude and my pilot looks over at me. He informs me that he is not only a black belt, but he is also a homosexual; and if I don’t succumb to his sexual desires then I have to jump out if the plane. Did you jump? I ask. A little…. at first My buddy took some flying lessons
I did not planet. I started dating an astronaut. It happened out of nowhere.
I don’t fucking know I’m just a drone pilot What’s the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?
I don’t know I’m just a drone pilot What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school?
I don’t know, I’m just the pilot. What’s the difference between a hospital and an ISIS training camp?
I don’t know, why don’t you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub? What’s the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School?
I find these jokes very offensive and not funny. In fact, my uncle died that very day on one of the planes. I still remember his final words before his death. Allahu Akbar! You people need to stop making jokes about 9/11.
I flew TransAtlantic last month. I couldn’t believe it when I saw my old mate Jack on the same flight. I shouted out Hi Jack! And six Yanks shat themselves. Plane Related Joke
