Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact. Contrasting this view, the philosopher Ben Hoovian posited, All things being equal, a joke must remain in its proper context. A joke with no context is not a joke. The issue was finally settled by post-modernist Irma J. King, who unequivocally stated, It is the nature of humans to analyze, and all literature created should be subject to analysis. (For a more complete treatment on the subject I strongly recommend reading her seminal book 6000 Years of Humor and Counting: Humor’s influence on Human Civilization. ) As for the original chicken joke, the most common interpretation would be to take the joke at face value: we are dealing with a real chicken and road. The humor of the joke is based on its simplicity: while most jokes rely on the extraordinary, the humor of this joke is based on the ordinary. Of course, one does not need to take the joke at face value. The chicken and the road can be viewed metaphorically. What if the chicken is a metaphorical coward, and is a human rather than an avian. The humor is then based not on the randomness of chicken desires, but becomes an example of cowardice and retreat. Even deeper, the road could be a metaphor for a dividing line, perhaps the other side is some kind of forbidden knowledge, perhaps even death. The simplicity of the joke reinforces the listener’s ignorance; the joke raises more questions than answers. Sadly, we may never know. Obviously, more research is needed as to WHY the chicken crossed the road. But what kind of road is it? What kind of chicken is it? And if the other side is indeed death, what are the implications for our own existence? Please review my sources for their veracity. Let me know of any discrepancies so I can further treat the topic with more accuracy.
The Fathers cock Father o’conner keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. One sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock’s gone missing. He knows theres a cock fighting ring in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. has anybody got a cock?’. All the men stand up. no, no. I meant has anybody seen a cock? All the women stand up. No, no, no, that’s not what i mean either. Has anybody seen my cock? 16 altar boys, 2 priests and a goat stood up!
Chicken and an egg A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it’s face, rolls over and remarks, Well, I guess we answered that question.
Joe dies… And when he arrives to the gates of heaven, St. Peter tells him: Well, Joe, you’ve been a good man your whole life, you deserve a second chance. I’ll bring you back to life, but you can only choose between living as either a caterpillar it a chicken He thinks Hmmm… Well, if I were a caterpillar I’d get eaten by a chicken, I think it’s better if I do the eating. I’ll be a Chicken, Mr St. Peter! Very well said St. Peter as he threw Joe back to Earth, only now in chicken form. When he landed he began to play with his new body, he moved his wings and feet and even tried to sing. Suddenly, he felt some pressure in his butt. Dang, I think I need to poo… Let’s see here *Hmmmph* *Pop* It’s an egg! Oh boy, my first baby has left my body… Oh wait, it seems like there’s more… *Hmmmmph* Dammit, this hurts so much! *Pop* Another one! I’m now a father of two, I’ve never been happier!…Oh dear, a third one…*Hmmmph* C’mon, we can do this… Suddenly, another voice is heard, it comes from the sky. JOE, YOU HAVE TO W… What’s that voice saying? Oh, doesn’t matter, here comes my third baby! JOE, YOU HAVE TO, YOU’RE S… Almost, almost… *Pop* Yeah! Egg number three! Joe then blinks and realizes he’s laying on a bed His wife is screaming JOE, WAKE UP, DAMMIT, YOU’RE SHITTING YOURSELF!
How do you sell a deaf guy a chicken? WANNA BUY A FUCKING CHICKEN?!?
Stealing the Kings Crown One day, in merry ole England, a count was accused of stealing the king’s crown! The king’s men knew he was guilty and they tried and tried to make him confess, all to no avail. Worse, despite their best efforts the stolen crown could not be found. Finally he was told, We will chop off your head if you don’t tell us. He would not confess so he was taken to the chopping block, and told he would have one more chance, but still he remained silent. As the executioner’s ax started down, the count shouted, All right, I’ll tell you! However, it was too late… his head went rolling to the ground. Moral of the story: *Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.* . . ^^Hadn’t ^^seen ^^this ^^one ^^posted ^^yet, ^^was ^^told ^^to ^^me ^^by ^^an ^^elderly ^^friend ^^of ^^mine.
Two boys walk into a pet shop. There were two young boys in a pet shop. One named Derek, and his older brother Patrick. They had been given money by their father to buy themselves two animalsone for each of them. There was such a selection! Dogs, cats, caterpillars, giraffes, parrots, and more. They could only afford two of the smaller animals, and so they were browsing the section dedicated to these. First they looked at the birds. There were parrots. The boys had heard that they could speak, but when they tried to converse with them, the parrots neglected to do so in a way that satisfied the boys. Hello, Mr Parrot. How are you doing on this fine afternoon? asked Derek, enthusiastic about the chance to see such a wonderful creature in action. The parrot looked at him, and to Derek’s disappointment, the parrot said Fuck off, I’m trying to sleep you dickhead! They moved on to the next creature which was the hamster. They watched them running around and fornicating, and as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul. Next was a turtle. Both of the brothers were impressed with the sight of the turtle. There is little chance of it running away! exclaimed Patrick, we will never lose them! The turtle was reading a book, and they were curious to know what it was that the turtle was into. I hope it’s the Bible! said Derek, excitedly. But as they looked at it closer they came to know that it was Harry Potter and as they were close with the Lord, they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul. Beside the cage that the turtle was kept in could be found a chicken. But as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so fowl. They searched and searched through the shop and there was nothing that wasn’t recklessly rubbing the Lord’s face in their own sexual deviance, engagement with the Occult, or being a chickenthe greatest of all sins, committed by several of the pet shop’s creatures, including the giraffe. They lamented this fact, for the giraffe appears such an innocent and sweet character! With its whiskers and tail. But alas! As the giraffe is also gravely guilty of being a chicken, in the Lord’s eyes he is heathen and will perish the wrath of Satan. They sought out an employee so that they might be freed of their woes. The employee was in the process of cleaning with a broom. They said to the woman, Can you help us? She turned to them and replied, Fuck off, I’m trying to sweep you dickhead. Then she saw the sadness and pain in their eyes and the love of God touched her heart and she had a change of mind. She said to the boys I will help you. What is it that you need? Derek asked of her, Is there any creature in this Pet Shop that is not heathen. Is there one among the animals that does not offend the Lord? And understanding the boys’ woes she said to them, Yes, there is one, and she led them to a small cage containing several beetles. Here you will find the weevil. And they marvelled at the small but innocent creature and they bought two of them and brought them home. But their troubles were not over, for they could not tell which one should belong to whom. They decided that as Patrick was the oldest, he had a claim to the greatest of the two of them. But which was the greatest? Only a contest held between the weevils would decide the answer to this most glorious question. And so it began, the world’s smallest Olympics; with few events instead of many, with beetles instead of humans, and with only two weevils from the same family, rather than a large portion of humans from many of the nations of Earth. They decided that before they began the contest, they would name them. One of them would be called Fermented Bovine Urine and the other would be Greg for these are the names that most please the Lord. The first contest would determine which of the beetles was superior in strength. It would be a contest of who could lift the most pianos, for the family had many pianos, and lifting pianos would be a feat of strength indeed. The creature that went first would be Greg. Greg lifted one piano and was tired after doing so. But for he was of great determination he lifted a second. And then a third. After this he apologised to the boys and said that there was no more that he could do. Fermented Bovine Urine went second and it clear from the beginning that he had little capacity to lift any piano whatsoever. He was saddened by his failure and wept, for he was of inferior strength. The next competition was to determine how each of the weevils was with navigation. So they put each in turn into a maze of the boys’ own construction. Greg, once again, was first, and he finished the maze within minutes. Fermented Bovine Urine was the next contestant and he was less talented with navigation than Greg was, for he could not even make it past the first alligator-pit that had been installed. He wept once more that he was not capable of defeating Greg. The next would determine their intelligence and so they were each given the same math problem. Surely exclaimed Fermented Bovine Urine, I can win this competition! But whereas Greg managed to provide the correct answer, Fermented Bovine Urine had merely drawn pictures of boobies for half an hour, and numbered them so that the boys might know he can count. The next competition would determine which of them had greater musical talent. They would both sing a song for the boys, accompanied by their mother on the piano, and the boys would know who could sing with superiority. Greg chose a piece of opera, and delivered with great competence. His voice was strong, his notes were on-pitch, his technique was at a professional level. Fermented Bovine Urine chose a punk-rock song and was disqualified. The last and most important test was the competition to see who among the beetles was closest with the Lord. Greg stood up in front of the two boys and with no reference to the Holy Book, recited the entire Bible verbatim. Fermented Bovine Urine felt the Lord in his heart, but whereas Greg was greatly dedicated to his relationship with Christ, he had spent little time on it. He instead read out select passages from Chad Kroeger’s Wikipedia page. It was now decided. Patrick was to own Greg, the greater of the weevils, and Derek was to own Fermented Bovine Urine. The two boys took each of the creatures to their rooms and put them in their individual cages. The next day they started to notice a difference in each of their lives which they knew was directly caused by the introduction of the weevils into their homes. Derek, the owner of Fermented Bovine Urine had gone to school that day and had found that whereas in the past people would ignore him, they began to notice him and celebrate his existence. He had become a greatly popular boy at his school. Derek praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory. As the owner of Greg, Patrick’s experience at school that day was different. Whereas in the past he had been ignored by his peers, now they would beat the living shit out of him and call him names. Patrick was enraged that his brother had been blessed and he had not, despite him owning the greater of the pets! He cried out to the Lord, Why, God? Why have you allowed me to suffer this way? But the Lord was trolling Atheists on Reddit and did not hear him. The next day Derek was given a gift by a generous neighbour which was a new bicycle. This bicycle was faster, easier to control and a far smoother ride than any he had ever experienced. He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory. Patrick’s current bicycle got run over by a car whilst he was riding it and he was given several cuts and bruises and a completely broken spine. He cried out to the Lord, Why, God? Why have I been cursed so? But the Lord was browsing Redtube and did not hear him. A week later Fermented Bovine Urine gave Derek a hug, and Derek was pleased for he knew that his life was filled with love and joy! He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his glory. Patrick, though he could no longer move, asked Greg for a hug, but the beetle mistook his words and stabbed him with a used needle. He contracted aides, and cancer of the aides and was stoned to death for being a homosexual by the members of his church. In his final moments he cried out to the Lord, Why, God? Why have you blessed my brother so and cursed me when my weevil was greater? But though the Lord could hear him, he was disinterested in Patrick and neglected him out of indifference. You see, my children, there is a moral here. You must always choose the lesser of two weevils.
guess what chicken butt *goteem*
What’s for dinner? A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. No quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens . Then in a normal tone he asks Honey, what’s for dinner? No response So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, Honey, what’s for dinner? Still no response. Next he moves into the dinning room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks Honey, what’s for dinner? Again he gets no response so. He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. Honey, what’s for dinner? Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. Honey, what’s for dinner? Honey, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!
One night Raul comes back home totally drunk and falls into bed beside his sleeping wife. Later he sees himself at the pearly gates of heaven. There, he is told that he had died in his sleep. Raul protests ‘but I love life. You cannot let me die. Please’. After pleading he is told he can return on one condition; he has to return as a chicken. Raul, loving life and devoid of choices accepts it. Sure enough he feels his body covered in white feathers. He feels something weird in his belly. He looks around at the other chicken who tell him that he was about to give birth. A little later he lays an egg. It felt immaculate to give life. Another egg follows and a third one comes out. Raul is ecstatic. He never thought he would enjoy being a chicken so much. All of a sudden someone taps him on the shoulder. It is his wife screaming ‘Raul you retard. You are shitting in bed’.
So I hear Chikfila is trying to be more inclusive Have you tried their new chicken transtenders?
An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand. An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand. The old man yells out to the little boy Hey little boy, what are you fixin’ to do with that there chicken wire? The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says Well old man, I reckon I’m gonna catch me some chickens. The old man then says You stupid boy, you’ll never catch any chickens with that chicken wire. The little boy rolls his eyes and goes on his way. A few hours late the old man sees the little boy walking back with a half a dozen chickens caught up in the chicken wire and shakes his head. I’ll be damned he says. The next day the old man see a little boy walking down the street with some duct tape in his hand. The old man yells out to the little boy Hey little boy, what are you fixin’ to do with that there duct tape? The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says Well old man, I reckon I’m gonna catch me some ducks. The old man then says You stupid boy, you’ll never catch any ducks with that duct tape. Again the little boy rolls his eyes and goes on his way. A few hours late the old man sees the little boy walking back with a half a dozen duck wrapped up in the duct tape and shakes his head. The next day the old man sees the little boy with some flower in his hand. He yells out to the little boy Hey little boy, what is that you’ve got in your hand? The little boy looks at the flower and back at the old man and say This flower here is a pussy willow sir. The old man says You stay right there boy, I’m gonna grab my hat.
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness. The man says, Well, thank you. I forgive you. The parrot then says, If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?
The two brothers Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months. Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!! Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball. Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea refeather a hen!
Why did the dead baby cross the road? He was nailed to the chicken
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
Anti-Jokes Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint. Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion. A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Why did the sheep fall off the cliff? Because it was blind. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? An untreatable heart condition. How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile. A man walks in to a bar. He is an alcoholic who is ruining his relationship with his family, his finances, and his career. How many Jews does it take two change a lightbulb? Only one depending on height. Two if they’re short; one to hold the ladder and one to screw in the lightbulb. Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale. Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good. What did Stephen Hawking say to a prostitute? Nothing. Stephen Hawking cannot speak due to his ALS. Instead he uses software and speakers connected to a sensor activated by a muscle in his cheek. A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, What’ll it be? The duck doesn’t respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say. If you want to burn a lot of calories you should find a fat kid and set him on fire. And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. Why did the chicken cross the road? We don’t know. What’s funnier than a pile of dead babies? Just about anything is funnier than a pile of dead babies. Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work. Stephen Hawking walks in to a bar. What do you call a man that has no arms an no legs? Whatever he says his name is. Haikus are easy. But some times they don’t make sense. Refrigerator. Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a tire at her. How do you stop a black man from drowning? Throw him a floatation device. Why did the black man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon. Why did the white man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon. How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Five. A daring man proclaimed, Well, here goes nothing. Then nothing proceeded to happen. Thank you Reddit for supplying me with many of these jokes and inspiring many more! I didn’t come up with most of these, but applied my own creativity to some.
A man gets a job at a farm… So a man starts working at a farm and helping out with the animals,cleaning out the pens and such. He does this for a full month waiting on his first paycheck and then on the last Friday of the month the owner of the farm gives him a few chickens to take home with him. He thinks this must be a mistake so he goes home and hopes his pay will be in his account by Monday,but it doesn’t appear so in he goes back to the farm to ask the owner about his pay and the owner explains that the chickens were his pay. He quit right on the spot cause he was being paid such a poultry amount.
A joke a 5 year old at the park told me. Him: Why did the chicken go on a date? Me: why Him: the mooovies!
Farmer’s wife cooking a chicken The farmer’s wife needs to cook a chicken for dinner, so she heads out back and grabs a chicken, cuts off the head, and then brings it inside to defeather. Normally, she uses the gas oven to singe off the pin feathers, but the oven quits on her. So, she sends her husband to town to buy a new oven. Well, he come back with one of those e-lectric ovens since the store was all out of gas. They get it plugged in and she tries to get the pin feathers off with that oven but its not working. Thinking of an alternative, she grabs her husband’s razor and she’s able to take all those feathers off. She writes the razor company, Schick, and tells him she thinks they ought to sell it. She forgets all about it, but six months later the owner of the company writes her back saying, Ma’am, we want to thank you for sharing your story with us and helping to introduce a new product. We’re now proud to offer a men’s schick, a women’s schick, and a chicken schick.
Wife has hearing problems A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing. That night, he’s sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he’s about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, What’s for dinner? She doesn’t respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, What’s for dinner? She still doesn’t respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, What’s for dinner? She still doesn’t say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, What’s for dinner? She says, For the fourth damn time we’re having chicken!
What’s your favourite animal? Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, Fried chicken. She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, Colonel Sanders. Guess where I am now….
Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
A logician walks into a kebab shop Kebab man asks Chicken, beef or mixed? Logician: Yes
Letter home from summer camp Dear Mum & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a super bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent. Love Johnny
Guess What? Chicken butt! xd
I wanted to practice breaking eggs in a perfect way But they chickened out
I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.
A slightly crazed-looking man enters a restaurant. He sits down at the nearest table. When a waiter walks over, he orders the soup of the day. In a few minutes, it arrives. The waiter notices that the man is stirring it with his spoon and staring into it intently, without consuming any of it. He walks over. Is something wrong? You haven’t touched your soup, the waiter asked concernedly. The man looked up. Son, I been searching for mythical creatures my whole life. Dragons, Bigfoot, Nessie, Yetis, whatnot. And in this soup, I finally found one. God bless you. The waiter looked confused. I’m sorry? I don’t think there’s any creatures in our soup. Look here, boy. The man gestured at a carrot slice with his spoon. That carrot is President Obama. Um…excuse me? The man ignored the waiter and pointed at a piece of chicken. That chicken right there is President Biden. The waiter opened his mouth and closes it again. The man gestured at several peas with his spoon. See here? These peas are President Obama’s yes men. He stopped talking. An awkward silence ensued. Finally, the skeptical-but-curious waiter broke the silence. Pointing at the last remaining soup ingredient, broccoli, the waiter asked Um, there’s still the broccoli, What are those supposed to be? The man grinned, revealing rows of yellow teeth. Those are the mythical creatures I was talking about. Those broccoli are Obama-in-a-bowl’s no-men. (Read the last line out loud if you don’t get it)
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick in a McChicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That’s where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child…. then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn’t going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind…. and pulled the trigger. Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn’t have fingerprints… he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the dummy’s house. Knock Knock!! (Who’s there?) The chicken!
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted ? Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole chicken !
A guy walks into a pub… A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. Can I help you? she asks. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. The man replies, Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Three friends Charlie, Render, and Jay are playing by the cliffside. Three friends Charlie, Render, and Jay are playing by the cliffside. Render excitedly slaps the other two and suggests they climb down the cliff. Charlie is nervous and wants to keep playing where it’s safe, but Jay and Render call him chicken. Jay makes it part way down, but gets scared at the drop and climbs back up. Render makes it half way down, but slips on a rock and falls to his death. The two remaining friends go their seperate ways. Charlie becomes a rich banker and spends his money creating adventurous and inventive playgrounds for kids. Jay becomes a professional freestyle snowboarder and rock climber, whose extreme feats are watched and admired by millions. The two friends meet up years later and exchange their life stories. Charlie admits that he was trying honor his dead friend’s memory by encouraging kids to push their limits in a safe environment with his playgrounds. Jay admits that he was trying to honor his dead friend’s memory by pushing his own limits under an extreme sports environment. They both smile, pour a drink for their lost friend. I guess we both just wanted a life-like render.
Why did the redneck cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
What do you call a hen staring at lettuce? Chicken sees-a salad
Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken
My dad has made the world’s best joke telling machine. Son: So dad, what did you want to show me? Dad: I’ve finally done it son. I’ve finally made the world’s best joke telling machine! I call it JK. You know how you’re my only child. Only you should know this! Son: What kind of jokes does it tell? Dad: Any! What’s so special about this that it makes its own jokes! it has a comedic-AI chip that I specially designed myself. It can make its own jokes and I guarantee that it will be one of the best jokes you’ll ever here! So ask it what kind of joke you want! Son: Alright. How about- ???: Knock knock! Son: Mom? Mom: Just checking in on my boys. We’re going to have meatloaf for dinner! Dad: Alright then. So, have you decided? Son: Oh ya. Let see… hey wait!? is that a chicken trying to cross the road outside the window? Dad: Oh… its going back. So about that joke? Son: You know what, just give us a random joke. Dad: Alright JK. Tell us one! JK: Your wife’s failed abortion attempt.
Chicken Minority Why did Russian chicken cross road? To rescue oppressed Russian chicken in Ukraine.
A muslim, a black guy, a mexican, and a white american are all in a plane that is falling and about to crash. The plane is falling due to it being over-weight. The muslim falls into action and begins to throw his bombs out of the window. They all ask him why he did that and he replies, I already have a lot of those in my country. The mexican begins to throw out his bottles of tequila. They ask him why and he responds with, I already have alot of those in my country. The black guy then begins to throw out his fried chicken and watermelons. They ask him why he did that and he replies with, I already have a lot of those in my country. The muslim, black guy, and mexican then look at the white american waiting to see what he would sacrifice to save the falling plane. He quickly shoves the black guy and the mexican off the plane. The now shocked muslim asks him Why did you do that?! The white american calmly replies I already have a lot of those in my country.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Him: why did the chicken cross the road? Her: I don’t know. Him: to go to the shops. Do you think that’s funny? Her: No. Him: neither did the chicken.
One day in class, a teacher asked her students to do a homework assignment. One day in class, a teacher asked her students to take a word home and ask their parents to put it into a sentence for her the following day. Todays word was contagious. The next morning the teacher began to ask some of the children for their answers. Teacher: Sarah, please put contagious into a sentence? Sarah: Yes Miss, well my parents told me that when i get a cold it can be contagious to other kids. Teacher: Very good Sarah, Well done. What about you Kevin? Kevin: Well Miss, Mum and Dad said I cant go and play with my neighbour Ben at the moment because he has chicken pox and its contagious. Teacher: Very good Kevin, sorry to hear you cant play with Ben. Looking around the room to see who hasn’t answered yet the teacher spots an enthusiastic looking Hemi who never does his homework. Teacher: Hemi, you look like you have an answer for me? Hemi: Yes Miss, well Dad and I were down getting fish and chips for tea last night and the guy who was cooking it didn’t have the fryers turned on yet and Dad said its ganna take that contagious
Indian vs. Spanish banana An indian girl maried a spanish man n went 2 spain. she dint knew spanish if she wanted 2 buy leg piece of chicken she wud lift her skirt n show her leg this went on sometime. 1 day she wanted to buy banana. She took her husband to shop u know why? Bcoz he knew spanish.! Bt i like d way u think.
This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks, Ooohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question… What did the chicken do? The man told him, He kept reposting the same joke on /r/Jokes.
Yet another lady goes to the pet shop… …Looking to buy a talking parrot. The shopkeeper says, Well actually, we just got this stunning African Grey in today! He’s pricey, but he talks. The lady pays the $2000 for the bird, another $250 for various accessories, and takes the still-silent parrot home. As soon as she gets the cage hung up, the parrot begins to speak – and such profanity she has never heard. The parrot curses out the woman, her parents, her dead husband, using language she never dreamed of. Finally, in desperation, she flings open the door, grabs the parrot, and stuffs it in the freezer. The swearing continues for a few minutes, and then a loud squeak emanates from the depths of the freezer, followed by silence. *Oh no,* She thinks desperately, *I’ve just killed over $2000 of imported parrot!* She rushes to the freezer and opens it to find the parrot, shivering but otherwise fine. As soon he sees her, he squaks and immediately begins apologizing profusely. I’m so sorry, ma’am, I’ll behave from now on, miss, I’ll be a good bird. The lady forgives her parrot and places it gently back in its cage. After a few moments of silence, the parrot says, So… May I ask what the chicken did?
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove it wasn’t a chicken!
A third lady goes into a pet shop… …she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act. At home, she tries to teach the parrot how to say You look nice this evening. However, the parrot will only say, You look like shit! She tries to teach the parrot how to say Please feed me. However, he will only say, Yo, gimme some fucking food, bitch! She tries for days to change the parrot’s habits, but he is still as foul-mouthed and rude as ever. The woman’s patience is growing thin, and she begins to feel that she made a terrible mistake buying such a mean pet. Finally, one day, after an hour of trying to teach the parrot to say something nice, the parrot says, Shut the fuck up already, you old ugly hag! The woman is fed up, screams, and in her frustration, opens the freezer door and stuffs the parrot inside. The parrot begins squawking loudly and furiously, beating his wings and making an enormous racket from inside the freezer. After about ten seconds, the noise stops. Fearing the worst, the woman immediately feels a wave of remorse and shame wash over her. She throws open the freezer door, and is relieved to see the parrot is alive and well. He calmly steps out of the freezer, hops onto the counter, and says, Thank you so much for letting me out. I very much appreciate it. The woman is stunned, but says, You’re welcome. The parrot continues, I’m sorry about my earlier behavior. If there’s ever anything you need, I am at your service. The woman has no idea what to make of this, but thanks the parrot all the same. There is an awkward silence. Finally, the parrot says, …may I ask what the chicken did?
I saw a comment that requested more parrot jokes. A man went into the pet shop to purchase something for his mother’s birthday. His mother was alone and he thought it would be a good idea if she had a nice companion with her. He couldn’t decide what kind of a pet to get so the shop owner showed him a parrot. He said, This parrot can speak in 5 different languages. The man said, Wow, that’ll give her someone to talk to, it should be a nice pet. I’ll take it. About a week later, the man received a letter from his mother that said the usual things, Today I went shopping and found a great deal on peaches…my friend and I played bingo and I won $15.00 and a t-shirt…and thank you, son, for the wonderful chicken you sent me, it was absolutely delicious… The man was horrified. Surely his mother couldn’t be talking about the parrot! He called his mother up immediately. What do you mean, ‘chicken’? he asked. That was a parrot that could speak in five different languages! The mother replied, Well then it should have said something!
