Get a Good Laugh with These Funny Airplane Jokes

There were 4 people aboard the plane and only 3 parachutes; the people were the richest man in the world, the smartest man in the world, the nicest man in the world, and a kid. The first man said I am the richest man alive, So I get a parachute , he put it on and jumped out. The smartest man in the world said I am the smartest person alive so I get one too . He grabbed a bag and jumped out. The nicest man said to the kid you are young so you take the last parachute. The kid turned and said no, look, the smart guy took my backpack! . so a plane was going down..

There were 5 people remaining in a burning airplane. However, there were only 4 parachutes. One guy proclaimed that he’s the smartest thing that ever hid this planet, grabbed a parachute, and jumped out. A woman said she was pregnant, so she took a parachute and jumped. An older man said that seeing as he was the CEO of a very successful company, many lives were depending on him, so he took another chute, and jumped. This left an old man and a teenager. The old man launched into a speech about how he had experienced more in life than the teen, so the teen should take the parachute. The teen, however, said that there were still 2 parachutes. Confused, the old man asked how. The teen grinned, and told him that the genius had grabbed his backpack. Pls genius

There were Poles on the right half of the plane. Why did the flight from Warsaw to Moscow crash?

There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else? How do you mean? says the second one. Well last week I was at the airport and I wanted to go to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh. I know what you mean. , says the second guy. Just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the salt but instead I said ‘You fucking bitch! You’ve ruined my life.’ There were these two guys having lunch …

There were three people, named Juan, Pedro and Pablo. They heard a rumor about a cliff that grants one wish when you jump off it. So they went to the cliff. First one to make a wish, Juan, wished to be a pilot. So he jumped off the cliff and minutes later, he was flying his jet and soared away. Second, Pedro, wished to be rich. So he also jumped off the cliff and landed on gold bars and money. Lastly, Pablo, stood right in front of the cliff’s edge being ready to make a wish, but suddenly, he slipped. Oh shit! He shouted and fell of the cliff. And he landed on a car’s windshield like it came from a giant eagle’s asshole. *This story is a folk one, meaning that it is not mine, it was put into English context, and some things were added or replaced to fit in the context. A cliff that grants any wish when you jump off the top…

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ”Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.” Then Jack said ”No way, I won’t say I’m muslim, I’m gonna be honest”. So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammed’. And Jack said ‘My name is Jack’. The Arab man said ‘Hello Jack.’ And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink. Then he turned to Adam and said, ‘Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan) Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here’s a joke.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ”Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.” Then Mike said ”No way, I won’t say I’m Muslim, I’m gonna be honest”. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammad’. And Mike said ‘My name is Mike’. The Arab man said ‘Hello Mike.’ And told the other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, ‘Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan) Mike and Muhammad

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ”Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.” Then Mike said ”No way, I won’t say I’m Muslim, I’m gonna be honest”. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammad’. And Mike said ‘My name is Mike’. The Arab man said ‘Hello Mike.’ And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, ‘Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan) Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ”Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.” Then Mike said ”No way, I won’t say I’m Muslim, I’m gonna be honest”. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammad’. And Mike said ‘My name is Mike’. The Arab man said ‘Hello Mike.’ And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, ‘Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan) Here is a Muslim Joke

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ”Go to Caesar’s Palace.” He goes to Caesar’s Palace and the voice says, ”Make your way to the roulette tables.” He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ”Put all your money on red 23.” He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ”Damn! Voice from above

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ”Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ”Go to Caesar’s Palace.” He goes to Caesar’s Palace and the voice says, ”Make your way to the roulette tables.” He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ”Put all your money on red 23.” He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ”Fuck!” Go to Las Vegas

There’s a pilot at the fair, giving rides in an old open cockpit biplane. It’s been a very slow day and he notices the old couple checking out his plane. He says to the farmer, Hey Grandpa, here’s a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride, if neither of you screams or yells or makes any noise you fly for free, but if I hear anything you both pay full fare. They agree and he takes them for a terrifying ride; loops, barrel rolls, spins, every acrobatic maneuver he knows, but there isn’t a sound from the rear cockpit. Finally he lands and turning to the farmer says, I’ve never a passenger stay silent through a ride like that! Tell me, wasn’t there any point when you almost yelled. The farmer replies, Well, there was the time when Ma fell out. An old farmer and his wife go to the county fair

There’s a woman flying on a plane with her baby. And one of the other passengers starts making fun of this woman’s baby, going on and on about how ugly he is. Eventually, one of the flight attendants hears this. Shame on you, saying such nasty things as that she says to the rude passenger, before turning to the woman. Ma’m, on behalf of American Airlines I’d like to apologize for that unpleasantness. We will give you a complementary meal for your troubles, and I’ll see if I can get a banana for your monkey. [I know it’s an old joke but I only found one version (a different one with a racist joke) on this sub] Ugly Baby

There’s like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice’s incident is a gold mine of humor….just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy. 1.) Ray Rice’s wife just set up a website for victims of domestic violence. She got 200 hits in the first hour. 2.) Ray Rice is gonna pursue a career as a rapper now. I don’t think Janay is gonna like his hits. 3.) Ray Rice is getting his own show on the Food Network. It’s called Can’t Cook? Left Hook! 4.) What’s Ray Rice’s favorite drink? Punch. 5.) If you can’t beat em, join em. If you CAN beat em, it’s because you’re Ray Rice. 6.) If Janay leaves Ray Rice, she’ll literally be a hit single. 7.) What does Ray Rice and Chris Brown have in common? Beat it on their iPods. 8.) Why is Janay Rice lousy with directions? She can’t take a left. 9.) Bartender just made me a drink called a Ray Rice Whew, this thing really packs a punch. 10.) Trapping youself in an elevator while a man twice your size beats you. They call that the Rice Bucket Challenge. 11.) I cut the sleeves off my Ray Rice jersey. Now it’s a wifebeater. 12.) Why does Janay hate smoking weed? Because she can’t take a hit. 13.) What’s Ray Rice’s favorite song ever? Shut up by the ‘Black eyed’ Peas. 14.) What’s Janay’s favorite song ever? Hit me with your best shot 15.) What’s the difference between Janay and an elevator? When Janay Rice goes down, she doesn’t go back up. 16.) What happens when Ray Rice gets in your elevator? You don’t remember it. 17.) It’s a custom for people to throw rice at weddings. It’s a custom for Ray Rice to throw punches before weddings. 18.) How do you heal a bruise left by Ray Rice? You use a Ricepack. 19.) What do you call it when Ray Rice throws punches in an elevator full of mexicans? Red beans and rice. 20.) What happens when Janay Rice enters an airplane? It goes the fuck down. 21.) How long does it take Ray Rice to get mad? About 3 floors. 22.) How hard does Ray Rice punch? Beats me. 23.) What do you call it when Ray Rice beats his pregnant wife? Eggbeater. 24.) Janay Rice has her own line of headphones. It’s called Beats by Ray. 25.) How did Janay find out Ray was cheating on her? She could taste lipstick on his knuckles. 26.) What does Ray Rice do when his dishwasher stops working? He beats her in an elevator. Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

These are collected from a weekend’s worth of poop limericks my friends and I were exchanging on the spacebooks. I’ll add more as they get added. ——— There once was a man from Peru Who found something gross in his shoe. It was smelly and brown And made the man frown When he realized the thing was a poo. —– There once was a crazy old limey, who had a pickup quite shiny. His truck was bright red, Except for the bed, Since that’s where he emptied his hiney. —– There was once a bumpy old road, Down which old man Jenkins had drove. ‘Twas unfortunate fate, Mr. Jenkins had ate Enough beans to make him drop a load. —– Old Jenkins knew it wouldn’t last as the chance to pull over had passed. He felt a strong urge his bowels would purge As he hit the speed bump way too fast. —– There once was a restaurant quite regal, That became a hassle for Legal, For into their soup, One had poured such a goop, That was made up of all things fecal! —– The man dug a wide shallow hole And deposited a load like a coal He was happy at first But things just got worse When he realized he’d misplaced his roll. —– Remember William Hung? On American Idol he sung. He sang like a goat, Because down his throat, Is where Simon Cowell put all his dung. —– There once was a beagle named Snoopy, Whose owner was constantly poopy. The kids could all tell, Because of the smell, When Charlie Brown’s trousers were droopy. —– There once was a baseball-mad Brit, Who never could manage a hit. He struck out again, And just past the bullpen, He slipped in a big pile of shaaaaving cream! Be nice and clean! —– There once was a lady from Richmond, A mean-hearted, angry old bitchmond. Her poops were so wide, They became the state’s pride, And they charged twenty dollars admishmond. —– Let me tell you bout old man McTeases: He had a bad case of the sneezes. He sneezed once so hard His anus was scarred And it looked like something by Reese’s. —– There once was a man named Pierre, Who was frugal with his derrière. He would simply just wipe Using one or two swipes And would keep it to only one square. —– Hear now of old Ebeneezer, He was a nasty old geezer! Once, in a foul mood, He ate rabbit food, And his dooks came out just like Malteasers! —– Did you hear about ol’ Mao Zedong, He had trouble controlling his bung! When he read Karl Marx, His brain sent off sparks And his bottom exploded with dung. —– There once was a man from Woonsocket Who always had pills in his pocket. When his belly got sore, He’d take three or four And dookies would shoot like a rocket. —– There was an old man with a hat Whose belly was jolly and fat. He heard of a diet And thought he would try it Poop doodoo caca dook scat. —– There was an old man from Darjeeling, Whose habits were quite unappealing. If the sign on the door Said: ‘Don’t shit on the floor’, He’d flip over and shit on the ceiling. —– The lady from Al Jazeera, She’d make food that’d give you the fear-a, That when you sat down, If the brown starts to crown, You’d erupt with massive SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII —– My best Indian friend Suri, Will cook food with assloads of curry. Then on the toilet you’ll sit, And out comes a shit, That looks like a chocolate McFlurry! —– A man who was built like a stick, Had an awfully disgusting trick, Crouched on his knees, He’d eat pounds of cheese And his bottom would pop out a brick. —– A dog I knew went by the name rover, And whenever he found fields of clover, He hunt for four leaves Then sniff out the breeze And release a brown cloud of his odor. —– The President has lots of power. That’s why he shits in the shower. He don’t give a hoot, Once it’s out of his chute, But his plumber is surly and dour. —– KFC sells a shit ton of chicken. But the recipe just might you sicken. They rub every bird, With a freshly ground turd. Sure it’s gross, but it’s so finger-lickin’. —– There was a commander-in-chief Who put a big log in his brief He should have worn Pampers ‘Cause once in the hamper It caused his wash-lady some grief. —– The president went to the kitchen To cure an insatiable itchin’ He let out a dook And said to the cook Clean this shit up and then quit yer bitchin —– The president said what a view Up here where the sky is so blue! He let out a strain, Then said change the name Of this plane to Air Force number TWO! —– Remember the dictatorial leader? The one that was oh such a feeder? He’d eat sausage and kraut, then let out such a shout, when his keyster turned into a bleeder. —– The president said with a stutter Puh puh please hand me the puh putter. The caddy replied As he stepped to the side You’re leaking a bit of butt butter. —– In long-ago times lived a wizard, who made potions with livers and gizzards. He fed the foul king, whose rear started to sting, then erupted in a mighty brown blizzard. —– As a candidate, Lincoln quite feared, His bald face would be soundly jeered. He pooped his hands brown, And spread it around, On his chin and he called it a beard. —– Remember President Taft? As big as an inflatable raft! Till the Great Weight Loss Day, When with a Prune Juice Puree, He emptied his monstrous aft. —– Poor old president Lincoln Went out for a night of hard drinkin’ He awoke the next morn with his bed filled with corn and announced these sheets sure are stinkin’! —– I heard once of president Roosevelt Who does what a president doesevelt His gut was all swollen ‘Cause he busted his colon and messed up all of his clothesevelt. Limericks in the key of brown

these are some horrible jokes but anyways what did the vegan say to the lion? Oww. what did the atheist say to St. Peter ? Nothing. what do air planes and women have in common? they both have cockpits. ha ha i like that one. my apology ahead of time but i;m sure you know some really bad jokes racist joke of follows did you know it’s now illegal to pick up beer cans on the side of the road on Indian reservations ? Apparently they are considered Indian artifacts. the difference between a vacuum and a …

These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. ___________________ Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane. Fortunately, there was a haystack below him. Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork. Unfortunately he missed the haystack. __________________ A sailor comes up to his ship’s captain, gasping for breath, trying to choke something out. After a minute of exasperated gasping, the captain finally says, Spit it out lad! And the sailor starts singing, ♪Oh the admiral’s fallen overboard and now he’s half a mile behind♪ Two old jokes my dad told me

These questions were part of a GED examination. The answers are genuine, from 18 year olds taking the exam. Spelling has been corrected in some instances for legibility.These are the people who will inherit America! Q. Name the four seasons. A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q. How is dew formed? A.. The sun shines down on leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A.. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed. Q In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A.. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q. What happens to your body as you age? A..When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A.. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination? A.. When a farmer does it to a bull instead of a cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A.. Keep it in the cow. Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body catagorized (eg the abdomen)? A.. The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U. Q. What is a fibula? A.. A small lie. Q. What does varicose mean? A.. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth con trol? A..Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q. Give the meaning of the term, Caesarean section ? A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A.. A roman emperor. Q. What is a terminal illness? A.. When you are sick at the airport. Q. What does the word benign mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. And possibly the best for last: Q. What is a turbine? A..Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. A long sad story…

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says girls I know how to get us rescued. She then let’s all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say’s Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time! The redhead then decides to take her shirt off revealing her gigantic gorgeous breasts, All the guys always stare at these, there’s no chance that the coast guard men will not see us now! The black girl then decides to take all her clothes off, lays on her back, and puts her legs behind her head. The blonde and the redhead are surprised, what are you doing?! The black girl says, whenever a plane crashes, they always look for the black box first! A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea…

they all have a tonne of stuff each and the pilot says that to land safely they need to lose 3 tonnes of cargo. the Englishman drops a tonne of roses and says i’ve got enough of those in my country the Irishman drops a tonne of bombs and says i’ve got enough of those in my country and the Scotchman drops a tonne of bagpipes and says i’ve got enough of those in my country when the Englishman gets home he finds his mother crying he asks what happens and she says a tonne of roses dropped from the sky and killed your farther . when the Scottish man got home he found his farther crying he asked what happened and he said a tonne of bagpipes fell from the sky and crushed your mother . when the Irishman got home he finds his dad pissing himself laughing he asks what happened and his farther says i farted and the next door neighbors house blew up . an Englishman, an Irish man and a Scottish man are on a plane…

They are all bragging about how well their countries are doing. The Japanese president grabs a bag of electronics, throws them off the plane claiming we have so much electronics I can afford to throw a bag of it out the plane The Korean president grabs a bag of rice, throws them off the plane claiming, we have so much rice I can afford to throw a bag of it out the plane President of Ireland grabs a bag of bottles of beer, chucks it out the window and says lads, we got so much beer we can afford to chuck a bag of it out of a plane Donald Trump stands up, grabs the President of Mexico and chucks him off the plane Donald Trump is on a plane with leaders from all over the world

They are going to spend the money on airplane tickets to send Muslims back to the Middle East. American Muslims collect thousands of dollars to help victims of the Orlando shooting.

they are just plane wrong. 9/11 Jokes Aren’t Funny…

They are just plane wrong. Don’t post 9/11 jokes.

They are putting the pilot together right now. NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled Airline Tragedies.

They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pay attention to them. The horse goes back to the others and pleads to be let back into the band, and they decide to give him another shot. They play a few more gigs, getting more and more popular, until they have one huge gig halfway across the world, a multi million dollar deal. They all go to bed early the next night so they can get up for the plane ride. The horse, however is too excited to sleep, and ends up oversleeping and missing the plane. The dog and pig leave without him, figuring that he just didn’t want to go. The horse rushes to the airport, only to find the manager in tears. He asks why, and finds out that the plane carrying the band crashed and there were no survivors. Overwhelmed by grief and worrying about the future, the horse says he needs a drink. The horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks Why the long face? A dog, a pig, and a horse are in a band (Worth the read)

They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pay attention to them. The horse goes back to the others and pleads to be let back into the band, and they decide to give him another shot. They play a few more gigs, getting more and more popular, until they have one huge gig halfway across the world, a multi million dollar deal. They all go to bed early the next night so they can get up for the plane ride. The horse, however is too excited to sleep, and ends up oversleeping and missing the plane. The dog and pig leave without him, figuring that he just didn’t want to go. The horse rushes to the airport, only to find the manager in tears. He asks why, and finds out that the plane carrying the band crashed and there were no survivors. Overwhelmed by grief and worrying about the future, the horse says he needs a drink. The horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks Why the long face? A Priest, A Pervert and A Pedophile Walks into a Bar

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs. What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the only two things on the face of the planet that can make 60,000 people on a Sunday jump to their feet and shout Jesus Christ! What do The Minnesota Vikings and the Rev. Billy Graham have in common?

They bring the bird down, but after a short ride the plane crashes into an empty hangar. One pilot goes: Damn was that a short runway. The other one: Yeah, but it was wide though. Two Polish airline pilots attempt to land a plane.

They didn’t get the permission to land so they arrive an hour late. Hollande steps out first shaking Obama’s hand and saying I’m sorry for being late. . Second Putin steps out of the plane greeting Obama and adding I’m sorry for being late, too. . Last one leaving the plane is Merkel and she walks to Obama and says I’m sorry for being late, three. Heard this joke a few years back when it was still Bush and Sarcozy and thought it was quite good at mocking our talent for the English language (i am German myself). Hollande, Putin and Merkel sit on a plane to visit Obama.

They don’t have a pilots license. What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls?

They each have one black eye. After about 20 minutes one guy finally looks to the other and says Okay, I gotta know, how did you get yours? They guy laughs and shakes his head It’s actually pretty funny. I was in the airport getting a ticket for this flight and, well the woman behind the counter was this gorgeous red head with huge tits. I meant to say ‘Hey, can I have a ticket to Pittsburg?’, but well, I had a little slip of the tongue, and said ‘Can I get a picket to titsburg’, she jumped over the counter and punched me in the face. The other starts laughing hysterically. After he finally calms down, the one who answered asked Well, how’d you get yours? The other guy looks at him and said Surprisingly a similar story. I was having breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say ‘Can you pass the syrup’ Except I stumbled on my words and had a slip of the tongue. Instead of ‘Pass the syrup’ it came out you ruined my life you fucking bitch Two guys sitting next to each other on a plane…

They end up in the middle of Arizona, near an interstate highway, just next to a gas station. The first thing they see are the gas pumps. Thinking that the gas pumps might be sentient artificial life forms, the first alien goes up and says, > Greetings! We are visitors from planet Omicron Persei IV. Please take us to your leader. Naturally, the gas pumps don’t respond. A bit miffed, the first alien tries a different tact. > Hello and salutations, oh noble Creature of the Third Planet. We humbly request your assistance in making first contact with your leaders. Still no response. And so the cycle goes a few more times, each time the alien becomes a bit more beseeching and a bit more annoyed. Finally, fed up with this non-response, the first alien pulls out his ray gun. > Please take us to your leader, or be immolated! At which point, the second alien immediately chimes in. > Uh, hey, you probably don’t want to do that. Ignoring the second alien, the first alien tries again. > You have to the count of three to say something. Anything! Second alien chimes in again. > Seriously man, let’s just go, you don’t want to threaten these guys. Still ignoring the second alien, the first alien proceeds to carry out his threat. > One……… Two………. THREE! And the first alien pulls the trigger. Which results in a massive explosion. When the aliens come to in a crater some 1000 feet away, the first alien turned to the second alien. > Holy crap! These Earthlings are fearsome warriors! How’d you know? Have you visited them before? > No, but I’ve been around the universe enough times to know that if someone has a penis long enough to wrap around itself, you don’t want to mess with it. Two aliens are visiting Earth

They find a guide who tells them he’ll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injuring the hunters. The two men agree to these terms and they are off. The guide drops them off and says he’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. The men thank him for the ride and then continue on their way to find a moose. They go looking for one, and find it with an hour. They carefully take aim and down the moose. Concerned that they have to wait another day for the plane to come back, the decide to continue on to find another. They drag it back the the runway and start again. The next morning they kill the second moose, drag it to the runway beside the first, and wait. When the pilot returns he is concerned. He explains that he cannot take two moose in the plane. The two guys get angry, and tell him that they are small enough that it will be fine. The pilot reluctantly agrees. After they take off, the plane is obviously struggling. They dip down slowly, and a bit more, until the wing clips a tree and they crash into the ground. The pilot immediately dies. One man pulls the other out to safety. Where are we? the first asks. I’m not sure, the second explains. Let me climb a tree and check. He climbs the tree and when he is at the very top the first man asks, Well, do you know where we are? Yea, the second guy yells. About a mile from where we crashed last year! Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada…

They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country. They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful. When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other’s faces he says, I hate this country. When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him! When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye! When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, I farted and the building behind me blew up! An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane…

They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn’t take off. Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport…

They had water, but no food. After a couple of days wandering in the desert they saw the remaining of another plane that was crashed a few days ago with a dead pilot. So one man says to the other Let’s open the dead pilot’s stomach, perhaps what he ate is still there. The other agrees, they open the pilot’s stomach and see the he had spaghetti. The second man starts eating hungrily, the first man refuses politely. You said to open his stomach and now you refuse? asks the second man, No thank you, I don’t feel like it. The first man replies. So they continue walking, after a few hours, the spaghetti which was rotten in the dead pilot’s stomach is hard to digest, so the guy who ate it starts to vomit. The other guy starts eating the vomited spaghetti. What the heck are you doing? asks the guy who vomited the spaghetti. And the man replies: I like my spaghetti warm. The Spaghetti Joke. Two men had a plane crash in the desert and survived.

They have known each other since kindergarten, and are going to three separate colleges. So, they decide to go on a trip to an island in the Caribbean as their goodbye trip. One of them is going to Penn state, the second is going to Yale, and the last is going to Texas state. They get on the plane, and are flying to the island when all of a sudden the plane starts having issues, and crashes. The three friends are the only survivors. They end up on some random island on the way there with no one else. The friends start to explore the island, and find some ruins on the island. At the front of the ruins there is a sign in hieroglyphics. The friend that is going to Penn can read them, and it says once a year, one person can go in to collect the riches . So he decides, alright, since I read it, ill go in first . So he goes in, and he’s in there collecting the riches, But when he turns around he sees green smoke coming towards him, so he gets out of there. A year later they are still on the island, and it is the Yale friends turn to go into the ruins and collect the riches. So he goes in, and he’s collecting the riches, just like the other guy. But, when he turns around he sees blue smoke, so he gets out of there. A whole year later they are still on the island, and it is the last friends turn to go in, So the Texas state friend goes in and he is collecting the riches. But his story is a little different, when he turns around he doesn’t see smoke. He sees a black coffin, so he runs out of there. NOW they are back home and it’s been a year since the first friend went into the ruins. He’s driving along, enjoying his day, then he sees green smoke. Never seen again. A year after that the friend that is at Yale is just having a party and such, then he sees blue smoke. Never seen again, dies at the age of 19. The last and final friend is sitting in his bed a year after that wondering They both died, year after year on the exact days, it’s my turn He rolls over in bed, knowing it’s gonna be there. Then he sees the black coffin….. So he reaches on his night stand and grabs the NyQuil, because the NyQuil stops the coffin…. Three boys are about to graduate high school.

They light the pilot on fire. How does ISIS turn on their water heater?

They look knowingly at each other, one says to the other ‘How’d you get yours?’ Other gentleman responds I was at an airport and the lady at the ticket counter has large breasts.I meant to say Two tickets to Pittsburgh , but I said Two pickets to Titsburgh and she popped me in the eye First gentleman laughs and says I got mine the same way. I was sitting at breakfast with my wife and meant to say Pass the sugar please but it came out You fucking bitch, you ruined my life…. Two guys are in a bar, both have black eyes.

They make entire planes disappear. Malaysia has some of the world’s best magicians

They make it back to the small airport nearby, and argue with the pilot about flying home. There’s no way my plane is gonna make it anywhere with that huge moose in it! says the pilot. We had this same argument last year with a pilot, and he flew us out of here. says one of the hunters. The pilot mulled it over a little, and doubled his price, but agreed to take them on. Everything gets loaded up, and the pilot does a shaky take-off, but manages to get into the air. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make it far before the load becomes too much for the plane, and they crash land back into the woods. Luckily, everyone survives, and as the second hunter stumbles out of the wreckage, he asks the first, How far did we make it? The first looks around and says, About 100 feet further than last year. Two hunters had just finished hunting moose in the middle of nowhere…

they make sure to planet Why does NASA throw the best parties….

They named the one of em Babbits, and the other Trids. They noticed a peculiar thing about these lifeforms. Every time a Babbit was next to a Trid, the Babbit would KICK the shit out of the Trid. One day an astronaut is on the planets surface gathering rocks, you know for science. Right about then, a Babbit walks up to the astronaut and kicks him. You know what the astronaut said? *Silly Babbit, kicks are for Trids* NASA discovers a planet with 2 life forms

They ordered 2 large planes. Did you know the last meal they ordered for lunch at the twin towers was pizza?

They ordered pepperoni and all they got was plane Why were the people in the twin towers so upset?

They ordered pepperoni and all they got was plane. Why were the twin towers disappointed?

They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane Why were people in the Twin Towers so upset?

They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane. Why were the people in the Twin Towers so upset about their pizza order?

They ordered pepperoni but they got plane. Why were the workers of the twin towers sad?

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: And what do you deduce from that? Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: and what do you deduce from that? Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping

They pitched their tent under the twinkling start and went to sleep. Sometime during the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: And what do you deduce from that? Watson Replied: Well, if there are millions and millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson you idiot!, It means that someone has stolen our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping

They pitched their tents under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the night Holmes woke Watson up and said Watson, look up at the sky. Tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars replied Watson; to which Holmes said And what do you deduce from that? Well, if there are millions of stars and systems, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely that there are some planets out there like Earth. And if there are even a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes replied Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole your tent! **Edit:** *Sorry for the spelling errors, I was typing this in a hurry.* Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping…

They planet How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet How do NASA organize a party?

They planet! How do Communists achieve a revolution every single year?

They planet! How does a space class start a party?

They planet. How do astronauts make a party?

they planet. How do astronomers plan a party?

They planet. What do astronauts do to host a party?

They planet. (Plan-et) How do astronauts plan a party?

They quickly realize there are only four parachutes and one of them is going to die. Barack Obama says I am the leader of the free world and commander in chief. I also have two daughters that need me. I must survive! He takes a parachute and he jumps out of the plane. Donald Trump says I am richest man in the world. I have a multi-billion dollar company and many jobs depend on me! I am going to make America great again, I must survive! He takes a parachute and he jumps out of the plane. Hillary Clinton says I am the World’s Smartest Woman! The world needs me! I must survive! She takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. There’s only one parachute left and Pope Francis looks at the boy scout and says I am old and haven’t many years left, you should take the parachute, young man. The boy scout says There’s still another parachute for you too! The World’s Smartest Woman took my backpack! Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Pope Francis and a Boy Scout are all on a plane that is about to crash…

They say that 9/11 was an inside job… but planes fly OUTSIDE. Can’t explain that What can conspiracy theorists never explain?

They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replies: I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson ponders a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky. Watson, look at the sky, what do you see? I see thousands of shining stars, and it’s hard to believe how many millions of billions of miles away they are from us. replied Watson. And what is else can you infer? said Holmes. Well, if our sun is just a mere star among trillions, then we can safely assume there are billions of planets out there, and planets like Earth. And then life in the cosmos is a possibility. Watson, you dumbass, someone stole our tent. Edit: saw this on a tumblr post and couldn’t find it, rewrote it and full credit goes to OP of that post. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son. Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son- I see millions of stars. Father- And what does that tell you? Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says- Idiot, someone has stolen our tent MORAL: Too much education can spoil our common sense. � � An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip.

They sit down for lunch and one of them says: ok, let’s planet So 2 astronomers decided to throw a party

They throw 3-9 pots and pans down a flight of stairs. How does a Chinese family name their children?

They throw silverware down a flight of stairs….ting, tong, ping, ding How do Chinese people name their kids?

They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can’t seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud. The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot and a half in the mud. The second guy throws his brick up and it lands three feet into the mud. The last guy throws his brick up with all his might… and it doesn’t come back down. One day a woman decided to go on a vacation with her parrot. She wanted to go to France but the only tickets she could get were no parrot no smoking tickets. Not wanting to leave her parrot at home, she simply stores the parrot in her shirt and acts like she is pregnant. While on the plane, the pilot is walking down the aisle smoking a cigar. He stops at the woman and asks her how her flight is going. Before she can reply, the parrot says it’s going great . Surprised, the pilot pulls the parrot out from under her shirt. You can’t have a parrot on this plane! He says. She takes the cigar from his mouth and says Well you can’t have a cigar on this plane! Enraged, the pilot throws the parrot out the window. This incites the woman to throw the cigar out the window. The pilot returns to the cockpit and is angry about losing his cigar. He’s about to light up another one when he hears a knock on the windshield. He looks up and sees the parrot. And what was in his mouth? A brick. 3 guys are walking next to some mud and find some bricks.

They were flying over it when a reactor of their plane started malfunctionning; the plane crashed. The two explorers were rescued by a local, cannibal tribe. We going to eat you the leader said. We not eat you if you do challenge. What’s the challenge? Said the pilot of the plane. You two go in jungle and bring back ten fruit. The two hostages ran I to the jungle and started picking up fruits. One of them got all the fruits needed and headed back to the camp. He had brought back ten tiny red fruits of which he did not know the name. The leader then says to him: Now you shove them up ass and you no laugh and no cry. So, confused, the explorer started doing the weird thing the man asked him. One, two, five, eight fruits, and at the ninth fruit he bursts out of laughter. You were so close of goal! Why did you laugh? The tribe leader asked. Well, over there I can see my friend bringing back watermelons . Two explorers crash in the jungle.

They were only able to observe the waves after Kim Kardashian’s butt flew on the same flight as Donald Trump’s ego. Scientists detected gravitational waves for the first time

they’re 2 plane I don’t like 9/11 jokes

They’re captured and forced to stand facing a wall, swaying back and forth saying tick … tock … tick …. tock … until they can’t take it any more. After the first hour, one pilot can’t take it any more and tells them everything he knows. After another hour, the second pilot cracks and tells them everything he knows. At the end of the third hour the remaining pilot decides to do something rebellious and starts saying tick … tick… tick… . The interrogator comes up to him and says you know, we have ways to make you tok Three allied pilots are shot down over Nazi Germany…

They’re going to have to planet very carefully! If NASA are ever going to send someone to mars to collect water samples,

They’re just plane wrong Guys, don’t tell 9/11 jokes.

they’re just plane wrong. Don’t make jokes about 9/11…

they’re just plane wrong. Please don’t tell 9/11 jokes today

They’re just too plane 9/11 jokes

They’re lining up for their flight and the first black woman turns to the others and says I’m wearing fluorescent yellow pants, cause if this plane crashes in the ocean they’ll be able to find me first The second says well I’m wearing fluorescent orange pants so if this plane crashes over land, they’ll be able to find me first The third says you two are stupid, I ain’t wearing no pants! Cause it don’t matter where we crash, everybody knows they look for the black box first! Three black women are getting on a plane..

They’re not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. Some people are like Slinkies…

They’re peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they’d like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope’s turn to ask a question… I was wondering…have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ the pope asks. Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party the aliens respond The pope looks baffled and says You must be mistaken…Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we’ve been waiting for his return ever since…why would he visit you so often? well… they look at each other …maybe your chocolate wasn’t good the aliens offer Pardon me? the pope asks Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate…what did you guys do? Martians arrive on earth…

They’re plane to sea Why are airplane crashes in the ocean so visible?

They’re plane wrong. Just reminding everyone on the sub, 9/11 jokes aren’t funny.

They’re too short to reach the controls of the plane. Why can’t penguins fly?

they’re very plane. Please stop making 9/11 jokes …

This came from my mother and I thought you guys would enjoy it. A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: What do you want to be when you grow up? LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST WHORE, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE. THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN, DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . . . And how about you, Sarah? I wanna be Kevin’s whore. Mom joke

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. You talk? he asks. Yep, the mutt replies. So, what’s your story? The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says Ten dollars. The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him? The owner replies, He’s such a liar. Dog for sale . . .

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. What’s the matter? Jack asked. I’ve been transferred to Detroit, there’s crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate. Jack replied, I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world. The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living? Me? said Jack. I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck. Detroit

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English: A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living. The Dutchman proudly says I fok horses! (Fok == breed) Shocked, the Englishman exclaims Pardon?!? The Dutchman smiles and replies, Yes! Paarden! (Paarden == horses) A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She,frantic,calls out a May Day. May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and i dont know how to fly. Help me! Please Help me! She heards a voice over the radio saying: This is air traffic control and i have you loud and clear.i willtalk you through this and get you back on ground. i’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now,just take a deep breath. Everything wil be fine! Now give me your height and position! She says , I’m 5’4 and i’m in front seat. (Pause) O.K. says the voice in the radio……. Reapeat after me : Our father who art in heaven Story of a dizzy blond !!!!

This is in the 90s where MTV actually had music on it. Anyway, the horse sees a segment on Jimi Hendrix, and decides there and then he wants to become an internationally-acclaimed guitar player (because, as we all know, all horses are left-handed). So this horse works at this shitty job for a couple of months, earning enough money to buy himself a low-end Strat. He starts playing Hendrix songs in his spare time, trying to recreate the sound he fell in love with. Eventually, he records a few covers and gets on YouTube with them. Now, this horse thinks he’s doing pretty well, and decides to start a band with the other guys from the nearby farm. So he goes up to his friend, that just happens to be a chicken, and tries to get him to be the bass player, as the chicken was a sweet-ass bass player in college. Chicken agrees and decides to bust out his old bass from the attic; they learn the rest of Hendrix’s first album. Now the horse and chicken think they can go pretty far, and decide to ask their friend, that happens to be a cow, if she can play the drums for the band. She agrees, and they all decide to pool their money together to get this awesome fucking set of drums for Cow. So Cow learns the drum parts for all the Hendrix songs, and they reckon they can go really fucking far with this. But guess the fuck what? They need a fucking singer to complete the set. So Cow goes up to her friend, who knows can sing like a fucking legend, and asks him to join the band. For the purposes of the joke, the singer is a pig. So Pig learns all the parts for Hendrix’s first album and they eventually decide to branch off and make a load of different songs. This horse, as the band frontman, gets the band to go global – they start performing at gigs across Europe, Asia and the Americas, with the help of the farmer himself (who was slightly bemused at his animals talking, let alone being a fucking band), and eventually get noticed by none other than Jay Leno himself. Leno invites them to California to perform at his show, which coincided with the kick-off for their cross-US tour. So the horse, as the frontman, flies over to California first to set up and make sure the gig runs smoothly. Everything’s good, and the rest of the band, a week later, board a plane to California as well. However, the plane ditches into the ocean, sadly killing all the passengers, including the band and the farmer as manager. A couple of days later, Horse hears about this and becomes distraught at the deaths he basically caused. Horse hits a full-on depression, and decides to kill himself so as to be reunited with his friends. He roams the seedy back-alleys of California, trying to find the shittiest club so as to drown his troubles away. Eventually, he finds one, takes 15 Ketamine pills and walks in. He orders the most alcoholic thing the club can offer, and sits in a corner of the bar, waiting for Death. The owner of the club sees this obviously distraught horse, and walks over to him to try and help. Hey, he says, why the long face? This horse is sitting at home one day watching MTV;

This is one of my favorite jokes, but I have to warn you, it’s a bit of a shaggy-dog joke. So, there’s a guy named Skipper who, at his work, is known for being a braggart and constantly making things up. Everyone in the workplace knows that Skipper’s always telling ridiculous stories and they eventually learn to ignore it. Skipper’s boss, though, can’t stand it, and says to himself this obnoxious kid is insufferable. I can’t have him coming into the office everyday and spouting this bullshit, it’s bad for productivity! So he resolves that the next time Skipper starts bragging, he’ll call him on his lies and put him in his place. The next morning, as expected, he hears Skipper walking around the office saying -no, really! I know EVERYONE in the world! Ask me about anybody, and they’ll know who I am. People start gathering around Skipper, naming celebrities: Kanye West Jennifer Lawrence Brad Pitt Yeah, guys, he answers, I know all of them. Interrupting, the boss walks in and says Oh, so you REALLY know Brad Pitt? I don’t believe you. But I really do! Skipper answers. Then prove it to me! his boss replies. Skipper pulls out his phone and dials a number. Helistens for a couple seconds, then hangs up and says Well, I guess he’s not home, darn. His boss chuckles to himself, saying Guess you don’t know him after all! You better get back to work. Skipper then says How much do you want to bet? Since Brad and I are such good friends, he wouldn’t mind me popping up at his house. Here’s a bet: you buy plane tickets to LA for us. If you’re right, and he doesn’t know me, I’ll pay you back double the price of the tickets. His boss grins and says sure, and they head to the airport. On the flight, the boss asks Skipper, in a condescending tone, So, how do you know Brad Pitt? Skipper answers that they were actually college roommates. His boss rolls his eyes- there’s no way this idiot was Brad Pitt’s roommate! They pull up to Brad Pitt’s mansion and Skipper starts walking up to the lawn. Hey, Skipper, his boss interrupts, it’s okay, you don’t have to go on his lawn and get arrested or anything. Just pay me back for the tickets and we’re all good. As he’s speaking, though, Brad Pitt himself walks out in a robe and says Hey, Skipper, my man! What’s up! I slept in this morning and missed your call. My butler was just making me some breakfast- how would you and your friend like to stay and eat with me? They eat breakfast with Brad Pitt, and Skipper and he reminisce about their college antics. His boss, meanwhile, is steaming, and doesn’t even enjoy the delicious breakfast. As they leave, he says, That was just a fluke! You got lucky. How about we go double or nothing, on someone else. Sure, Skipper says, but you’ll be disappointed- I really do know everyone there is to know. How about the president? his boss proposes? Skipper agrees. Oh yeah, Barry and I had 5th period Biology together in High School! Good times. So, they fly out to DC. When they get to the White House, Obama happens to be walking in the front door from his motorcade and spots Skipper across the lawn. Hey, Skipper! He shouts, come over here! Skipper and the president do some sort of secret handshake and immediately begin talking like old friends, to his boss’s disbelief. I have a very busy schedule, as you might imagine, but I have a couple minutes right now if you wanted to grab coffee. As Skipper and the president talk, Skipper’s boss is even more upset. I should be enjoying this. I met Brad Pitt and Obama today! But I just can’t believe Skipper though, he’s got to just be crazy lucky for me to pick the two famous people he knows, he thinks to himself. So, as they leave, the boss makes one last bet with Skipper: One more double or nothing. Anyone in the world, not just the country. I feel bad taking your money, boss! But, I’m having a great time today, so if you want to go see someone, I’ll buy the tickets. And I ensure you, I’ll know them. Skipper’s boss cracks a smile and says okay, we’re on our way to the Vatican. Let’s see the Pope! Oh sure, I know him, boss! Skipper replies excitedly. I went to his church for a year before he became Pope. They arrive at the Vatican just as the Pope is about to speak, and there’s a massive crowd around the balcony. The Pope walks out and begins to address the crowd. The two Americans press as far as they can to the front of the crowd to get a good view, but they can only get about halfway in. Skipper tries to wave to him to get his attention, but there are far too many people. He’ll never see me int he chaos here, Skipper remarks to his boss. You know what? Since I know all of the guards, I’ll just head up past them and meet him up on the balcony. You stay here and watch me come out. Skipper runs into the building, saying hi to all of the guards on the way up. Once he’s up there, he surprises the Pope. They have a nice conversation and Skipper waves to the crowd for a while with the Pope’s hand on his shoulder before coming back down. As he arrives back at where he and his boss were standing earlier, he sees an ambulance with a crowd of onlookers. To his surprise, his boss is on a stretcher in the back of the ambulance! Boss! Boss! Are you okay? Yeah, Skipper, I’m gonna be all right. I just fainted, his boss reassures him. Fainted? What happened? Well, the boss replies, I saw you come out onto the balcony and talk with the Pope. As you were waving to the crowd, another guy in the crowd turned to me and asked ‘Hey, who’s that-a guy on-a the balcony with-a Skipper?’ Skipper

This is the story of the pink gorilla. There’s these two guys. They’re both teachers, and they work at the same school. One is an Anthropology teacher. The other is a Historian. They are both given a sabbatical. For those of you who don’t know, a sabbatical is a paid vacation for teachers. They are paid to take time off teaching, but they have to do research to better their knowledge, to better their teaching. Got it? Good. So, both teachers are given a sabbatical. And, they’re very good friends. So, they decide, on this sabbatical they will travel to far reaches of Africa to do some History research and some Anthropology research (Anthropology is the study of human nature). They decide that’s what they’re going to do. So, they go running down the stairs in their apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* They get into a taxi-cab. *err…err….err* They get to the airport. They go through security. *beep-beep-beep-beep* And all that stuff, you know? They get on the plane. *woosh* Now they’re in Africa. They get off the plane. They get on a little plane. *pt..pt…pt…pt* They fly over this tiny little village. The get off the tiny little plane, and there’s this Jeep waiting right there for them – with their name on it. So, they get in the Jeep. *zh-zhoom* And they start driving down the road. They’re going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…They’re seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. Then, they get to this little pygmy village. So, they get out and ask the pygmies, What is something just great to see here, where we are? They say, Well, our rather hit attraction would be a pink gorilla. A pink gorilla?! No way! You’re totally lying! The pygmies are like, No, actually you just go down this road, take a left turn, then turn right into a big cave. So, they get back in the Jeep (which starts right up). *zhoom* So they’re going down the road; they’re going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…They’re seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They make their left turn. They’re still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…They’re seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They get to this cave! It’s got this giant steel door. So they open the steel door. There’s this big wooden door. They open the wooden door. There’s another wooden door. They open that wooden door. There’s this long row of colored doors – orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, they start going through all these doors. They’re going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close. They get through all the doors. There’s a big pool of water, and right next to it is some scuba gear. So they put on the scuba gear and dive in. So, they’re swimming….swim, swim, swim…..deep water…..swim, swim, swim….very deep water….swim, swim, swim….very, very deep water….Finally, they see another way out, so they swim towards that and get out of the water. They see the pink gorilla! All it’s doing is sitting there, completely still. And so, they’re observing the pink gorilla. They’re taking pictures of it. They’re writing down every move he makes – which isn’t very many ’cause all he’s doing is sitting there, completely still. It’s kinda boring, but hey – it’s a pink gorilla! The entire time they’re watching the pink gorilla, there’s one little thing the pygmies said that keeps flashing through they’re mind. Don’t touch the pink gorilla. Now, they’re like, Why can’t we touch the pink gorilla? All he’s doing is sitting there, completely still. But, the Historian was rather smart. The Anthropologist, on the other hand, was like I wish I could get my hands on this thing. I could make a lot of money! So, the Anthropologist walks up and he’s about to touch the pink gorilla. And the other guy grabs his hand and says, No! You heard what the pygmies said, ‘Don’t touch the pink gorilla.’ But, the Anthropologist is just like, What could it do? The Historian manages to talk him out of touching it, and they keep taking pictures and writing notes about it’s behavior – but there aren’t very many ’cause all it’s doing is sitting there, completely still. Finally, they’re ready to leave. They put the scuba gear back on, and get back in the water. So, they’re swimming again….swim, swim, swim…..very, very deep water…..swim, swim, swim….very deep water….swim, swim, swim….deep water….Finally, they see original surface, so they swim towards that and get out of the water. They start going through all the colored doors – orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, they start going through all these doors. They’re going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open and close wooden door, open and close second wooden door, open and close steel door. They get in the Jeep, and it starts right up. *zhoom* They’re going down the road; they’re going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…They’re seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They make their turn. They’re still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…They’re seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They go through the pygmy village. They get to the little airport, get on the little plane. *pt..pt…pt…pt* It takes them to the bigger airport; they get on the bigger plane. *woosh* They get to back to the airport near home. They hail in a cab. They get in the cab. *err…err….err* They go up the stairs in the apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* They’re home! Well, the next semester, the Anthropologist, who is the more gutsy of the two, is awarded another sabbatical. So, in his devious mind he’s thinking haha! I’m going to return to Africa, capture the pink gorilla, and make millions of dollars! So, he goes running down the stairs in the apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* He gets into a taxi-cab. *err…err….err* He gets to the airport. He goes through security. *beep-beep-beep-beep* And all that stuff, you know? He gets on the plane. *woosh* Now he’s in Africa. He gets off the plane. He gets on a little plane. *pt..pt…pt…pt* He flies over this tiny little village. He gets off the tiny little plane, and there’s this Jeep waiting right there for him – with his name on it. So, he gets in the Jeep. *zh-zhoom* And he starts driving down the road. He’s going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He goes straight past the pygmy village. After all, he already knows where he’s going. So he’s going down the road; he’s going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He makes the left turn. He’s still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He gets to the cave! He opens the steel door. He opens the big wooden door. He opens the second wooden door. He goes through all the colored doors – orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, he’s going through all these doors. He’s going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close. He gets through all the doors. He puts on the scuba gear and dives into the water. So, he’s swimming….swim, swim, swim…..deep water…..swim, swim, swim….very deep water….swim, swim, swim….very, very deep water….He gets out of the water. Okay…I’ve got to get this thing out of here. So, he reaches out towards the gorilla. The whole time the pygmies’ warning is playing in the back of his mind. Don’t touch the pink gorilla. He hesitates. And then… He touches the pink gorilla! The pink gorilla goes mad. He’s like tearing the place apart! The guy screams. So, he throws on the scuba gear and jumps back into the water…..swim, swim, swim…..very, very deep water…..swim, swim, swim….very deep water….swim, swim, swim….deep water….The pink gorilla’s swimming behind him! Finally, he gets out of the water. He starts going through all the colored doors – orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, he’s going through all these doors. He’s going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open and close wooden door, open and close second wooden door, open and close steel door. The pink gorilla is just bashing through all the doors. He jumps in the Jeep, and it starts right up. *zhoom* He’s going down the road; he’s going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…he’s seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. He makes the turn. The gorilla turns, too. He’s still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…he’s seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. They go through the pygmy village. The pygmies are like, haha! We told you not to touch it! He’s still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…he’s seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of – including a pink gorilla in the rear-view mirror. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. And all of sudden…the car sputters to a stop. So the guy jumps out of the car and starts running. He’s going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…he’s seeing all sorts of animals – elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is running along right behind him going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down…Finally, the guy collapses. He just can’t run any farther. He’s just like, Whatever you do, just kill me quickly. The gorilla walks up to him, reaches down, touches the guy, and says, Tag! You’re it! and runs off down the road. The Pink Gorrilla

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help. May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me! She hears a voice over the radio saying: This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position. She says, I’m 5’4 and I’m in the front seat. O.K. says the voice on the radio…. repeat after me: Our Father…Who art in Heaven….. Blonde Co-Pilot

This was originally from the New Yorker: So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. So a guy walks into a bar

This was originally from the New Yorker: So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. Women’s Rights

This week, the Price is Right gave away a treadmill to a contestant with no feet. And to make matters worse, the next contestant was blind — and he won a pair of prosthetic feet. In Florida, a woman being held at knifepoint was rescued when she texted Pizza Hut to call 911. The woman had been in a similar situation previously, when her house caught on fire — and she called Wendy’s. After the woman was set free, she celebrated — by ordering a pizza from Papa John’s. In Indiana, a teenager took his 93-year-old great-grandmother to prom. The teen asked his great-grandmother to prom after getting turned down by every girl at school, a couple of lunch ladies, and even a few guys. In Spain, a suitcase going through an X-ray was discovered to have an 8-year-old boy inside. The boy explained that he was flying super-ultra-economy. …and to make matters worse, while he was going through the X-ray, airport security noticed that the boy had a brain tumor. Social Security is expected to be bankrupt by 2033. So if you’re approaching retirement, Congress has asked that you please start aging in reverse. Topical Jokes