The Englishman and the Welshman Englishman: That your dog? Welshman: Yep. Englishman: Mind if I speak to him? Welshman: Dogs don’t talk. Englishman: Hey dog, how’s it going? Dog: Doin’ all right. Welshman: (Look of shock) Englishman: Is this Welshman your owner? Dog: Yep. Englishman: How’s he treating you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.. Welshman: (Look of total disbelief) Englishman: Mind if I talk to your horse? Welshman: Horses don’t talk. Englishman: Hey horse, how’s it going? Horse: Cool. Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: Is this your owner? Horse: Yep. Englishman: How’s he treating you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather. Welshman: (Look of total amazement) Englishman: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Welshman: That sheep is a liar
A horse walks into a bar… A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, why the long face? The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse’s handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it’s knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it’s closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says Can you put me up for the night? The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask Is this some kind of a joke?
My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
2 guys get a job on a ranch A couple of guys, very much Of Mice and Men, get a job working at a ranch. On the ranch, there’s a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man who owns the ranch. She comes out every day, gets on her horse, takes the horse for a ride, comes back, goes in the house. The big guy says to the little guy, I want to talk to her. How do I talk to her? Little guy says, Tell you what you doit’s easy: Paint one of her horse’s legs green, she’ll talk to you. The big guy paints one of the horse’s legs green. She comes out, she looks beautiful in her riding outfit, goes out for her ride, comes back, goes into the house, doesn’t say a word. Big guy says, You lie to me, she not say anything! Little guy says, All right, paint all of the horse’s legs green, she’ll talk to you. Big guys says, All right. I do that, you better be right. So he paints all four of the horse’s legs green, and she comes out in an even more beautiful riding outfit, she looks amazing, she goes for a ride, comes back, goes in the house, doesn’t say a word. Big guy says, I’m going to hurt you, you lie to me, make a fool of me. And the little guy goes, Okay, you paint the whole horse green and you can beat the crap out of me if she doesn’t talk to you. Big guy stays up all night. Two coats on the horsethe horse is completely green. She comes out in her riding outfit looking gorgeous, she looks at the horse, and she says, Why is my horse painted green? The big guy responds: *You wanna fuck?*
have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas? It’s Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son’s a Christmas gift… So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs with a smile and jumping with joy. The pessimist opens his gift first… He unwrapped a bucket of horseshit… The pessimist turns to his father and says what the fuck is this? While the optimist opens his present. The Optimist smiling and jumping with joy turns to his father and says… So daddy where is my pony!?
A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear. Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I’ve had an accident! Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall. What did the old tornado use to walk? A hurri-cane! What’s the strongest shellfish? A mussel! What kind of fish do you find in a mine? A goldfish! Why did the puck glue itself to the ice? It saw the hockey stick! Where do you find tomatoes? On toma-feet! Why did the chicken go to school? To get an eggucation! Why was the piece of steel mean? He was hard-hearted! What happened to the musicians who tried to shoplift from a convenience store? They were band for life! What did the bell say to the loud man? It tolled him to be quiet! How did the boat know it had a leak? It had a sinking feeling… What gem can you burn yourself on? A sapph-fire! What gem is always clean? A soapal! What’s the coldest part of the North Pole? The snow! Which fruit is microscopic? A banano! Why did everyone avoid the cow? He was in a bad moo-d! What did the steak say to the salami? Nice to meat you! Why was the boat’s price half off? Because it was on sail! Which country is the sickest? Germ-any! Who was the cleanest U.S. President? George Wash-ington! What do you call someone who prefers white rice to brown rice? Ricist! Which bug is worth a penny? A cent-ipede! What do you call a sad fruit? Meloncholy! Which U.S. president was a chicken? Theodore Roostervelt! What do you call forks and knives who serve a rich family? Butlery! Why was the bucket worried about her friend? He looked a little pail! How did the hay get out work? He baled! What do you call a line of canoes? A row! What kind of bird builds skyscrapers? A crane! What kind of mammal is used in pastries? A doe! I’m severely allergic to bees…whenever I go near one, I break out in hives! What do you call an Islamic insect? A mosque-ito! It pains me to admit it, but whenever I speak, my throat hurts! What kind of crevice can swim? A fish-sure! Why didn’t the bag tell her friend about her problems? They were purse-onal! How did the hammer contact his friend? With e-nail! When does a lord wake up? Earl-y! What did the orange do when he was told a joke? He burst into peels of laughter! How do you steer a weather horse? With rains! (That’s all I could find. My sense of humour was top notch at 11. EDIT: I assure you I did make these up, whether you believe it or not. More than one person can make obvious puns!)
Bob and Bill are two racehorses…. Bob and Bill are two racehorses who have raced together for many years. They have kept each other company and been best best friends for all that time. But lately, Bill’s performance has been worsening, and he rarely wins a race. Bob and Bill’s owner comes into the stable to have a chat with Bill. Bill, he says, times are tough on my ranch. You have done well for me so many times, so it pains me to say this, but unless you win one of the next three races, I’ll have to sell you. If I can find another trainer, I will, but if not, it’ll be the glue factory for you. Think about it, and do your best in the races. With that he leaves. Bob is shocked. He turns to Bill and says, what are you going to do? I’ll do the best I can, but my strongest competition out there is going to be you, says Bill. Please, show your old friend some kindness and help me out? Of course, old friend, says Bob. The next Saturday is the day of the August race. The sun is shining brightly. The women are wearing bright sun dresses and white hats, while the men have rolled up their shirtsleeves. A gentle breeze blows over the track as the race is about to begin. And they’re off! Bob and Bill are in the thick of the pack. Bill moves steadily upwards, followed by Bob. At the first turn, Bill emerges in the lead! His heart is racing, his breathing is heavy, his jockey is whipping swiftly. But then, Bob pulls up close behind. He gallops and easily overtakes his friend at the last turn. At the end of the race, Bob wins by three lengths. At the stable that evening, the owner comes back. That was a good effort Bill, he says, but not good enough. I will give you two more chances, though, to prove you have what it takes to win. Good luck. He leaves. Bill turns to Bob. What happened? he asks. I thought we had an agreement. I’m sorry, Bill, says Bob. I don’t know what came over me. The excitement of the race, the crowds cheering. I promise next time, you will win. Then the time comes for the Saturday of the September race. The sun is hidden behind scattered clouds. The women are wearing grey dresses and clutching their hats against the wind, while the men wear light jackets. A chilly breeze blows over the track as the race is about to begin. And they’re off! Bob and Bill are in the back of the pack. Bill struggles to maintain his position. At the first turn, Bill begins to pull up. At the last turn, Bill emerges in the lead! His heart is pounding, he gasps for air, his jockey is whipping fervently. But then, Bob pulls up behind once again. He thunders ahead and eventually overtakes Bill in the final stretch. At the end of the race, Bob wins by one length. At the stable that evening, the owner comes back. That was another great effort Bill, he says, but not great enough. I will give you one more chance, though, to prove you have what it takes to win. Good luck. He leaves. Bill turns to Bob. What happened? he asks. It can’t be a coincidence, to happen twice like that. I’m sorry, Bill, says Bob. I don’t know what came over me. The thrill of the race, the crowds roaring. I wouldn’t do this to you on purpose, please believe me. I believe you, says Bill. Then the time comes for the Saturday of the October race. The sky is completely overcast, and dark clouds are gathering on the horizon. The women are wearing heavy coats and carrying umbrellas to shield themselves from the light rain, while the men are weaing long trenchcoats. A strong gust blows over the track as the race is about to begin. And they’re off! Bob and Bill are in the rear of the pack. Bill falls behind, trailing behind the pack. He musters all his strength, throwing his hooves forward with all his might. I can do this, I must! At the first turn, he reaches the middle of the pack! At the last turn, he is in the lead! His heart is throbbing, his lungs are burning, his jockey is whipping angrily. Every muscle is sore and struggling. But then, in the final stretch, Bob pulls up behind for a final time. He gallops ferociously barely overtakes Bill at the finishing line. At the end of the race, Bob wins by a nose. At the stable that day, the owner comes back. That was an amazing effort Bill, the best I have ever seen, he says, but not amazing enough. I cannot keep a horse that cannot win a race. Tonight, you will be taken away. He leaves. Bill turns to Bob, but no words come to his lips. He is overcome with emotion. He looks back on his long career, and his many wins. He wants to be angry at Bob, but he can’t be. He is proud of his friend and protege for winning three races, and knows that Bob will go on to great things. But he is filled with sadness that he will not be there to experience them with his friend. His time with Bob, and perhaps, his life, are at an end. Just then, one of the ranch dogs enter the stable. He looks up at Bill. Bill, he says, we just heard what happened. What are you going to do? I don’t know, says Bill. The dog, whose attention span is short, wanders off. Then Bill, at last, knows what to say. He turns to Bob and says, holy shit, did you see that? A talking dog!
The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, Buffalo come. The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, Wow, that’s amazing! How did you figure that out? Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, Ear sticky!
Farmer Brown’s horse fell into a hole. He couldn’t pull him out so sadly the horse was put down. That night in the pub he was sobbing over a pint and the barman asked did you shoot him in the hole? Farmer Brown replied no no, I shot him in the head.
Lil’ Johnny at the horse auction Lil’ Johnny went to a horse auction with his dad, he watched as his dad moved from horse to horse running his hands over the rump, down each leg and across their chest. Johnny asked his dad why he was doing that and his dad told him Because I’m thinking of buying one of these horses Lil’ Johnny got a worried look and told his dad they need to go home right away! His dad asked him why? Johnny said Cause the mailman stopped by yesterday and I think he wants to buy mom!!!
Emergency Brake An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake..
No punchline. (The punchline of these jokes is that there is no punchline. It’s called a Västgötaklimax . These are some of my favourites.) Two cows were out flying. One of them then says to the other you have a cinnamon bun in your ear . What? You have a cinnamon bun in your ear. What? You have a cinnamon bun in your ear. I can’t hear you because I have a cinnamon bun in my ear. Q: What’s the difference between a horse? A: All of its legs are of equal length, especially the right one. Q: What’s the similarity between an elephant? A: None of them can ride a bicycle. Two moose were sitting in a sauna. One of them then says It’s really hot in here . The other moose then answers Yep .
A farmer hears a blonde yelling hey at her horses He calls out and asks why are you yelling at your horses? The blonde replies I’m trying to feed them!
A dairy farmer runs into his neighbor at the feed store… How’s everything going? the neighbor asks. Not too bad the farmer replies, but a couple of of my cows have had terrible flatulence lately; the smell is almost too much to bear. The neighbor laughs, I know what you mean. A few years ago one of my horses had the very same problem. Stunk up the whole damn barn. What did you do about it? Change his diet? No , the neighbor says. I mixed two tablespoons of turpentine in for each gallon of his drinking water. The next morning the farmer calls his neighbor I tried your turpentine trick, and when I woke up, all my cows were all dead! How strange says the neighbor. That’s exactly what happened with my horse.
men will be men A husband went to the police station to file a missing person report for his missing wife: Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet. Inspector : -What is her height? Husband : -Average, I guess. Inspector : -Slim or healthy?. Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy. Inspector : -Color of eyes? Husband : -Never noticed. Inspector : -Color of hair? Husband : -Changes according to season. Inspector : -What was she wearing? Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit. Inspector : -Was she driving? Husband : -Yes. Inspector : -Color of the car? Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying Inspector: -Don’t worry sir, We will find your car. men will be men
Jesus Never Fails If Jesus was a program, he would never fail. Why? Because he was born in a stable environment.
Q: What’s the importance of capitalization? A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse Q: What’s the importance of capitalization? A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse
Guy walks into a bar with a horse sitting inside…. Guy walks up to a bar and he isn’t from the area. He sees a sign outside that says we have a horse inside at the bar, if you can make him laugh you get a free round of drinks. He walks in sees the horse and asks the bartender. Bartender tells him we’ve been trying to get this horse to laugh and no one can do it. Guy says ok give me a minute and whispers into the horses ear. The horse proceedes to let out a big laugh of neighs…. about a year later the same guy comes back to town and sees the same bar with a sign that now reads if you can make this horse cry you can get a free round of drinks. Intrigued he steps inside and inquires again. The bartender says, oh its you, listen fella you got this horse to laugh and we gave you drinks, now we want to see if someone can make it cry and for the last year no one has been able to (without hurting it or hitting it.) Guy says ok… walks the horse outside, and comes back inside with a sobbing horse. The bartender says, by golly how the hell did you do that, We tried and tried to make that damn horse laugh for years and you did first try. Then we try to make it cry ever since and cant. What the hell did you say?! Guy pipes up and says, You remember when I came in the first time? I told him my dicks bigger than his. Bartender asks, what the hell did you say the second time? Guy says, I showed him .
You have an uncle named Jack. Would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?
A horse walks into a bar… A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, why the long face? . Now, the horse does not respond, because it is a horse. It does not understand English nor comprehend the man’s shitty joke. Confused by its surroundings, the horse darts out of the bar knocking over a few tables.
What do you do when a horse breaks down? What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!
Make the horse laugh and win a pot of gold! A young man went to his local bar one night. As he ordered his beer he seen a sign behind the bar for the customers to read. It read Make the horse laugh and win a pot of gold. The man asked about the horse and the barman said he had a depressed horse through the back and it wouldn’t stop crying. He had tried jokes, pranks etc but to no avail. The man thought hed give it a shot. He went through the back and frw minutes later came out and demanded his reward. The barman looked through and seen the horse on its back, chuckling away. The barman gave the man his reward and off he went. A few days later the same man went to the local bar and ordered his beer as usual. The sign now read Make the horse cry and win a pot of gold. The barman then told the young man that since he’d left, the horse hadn’t stopped laughing and was keeping him up at night. The young man took the challenge, few seconds later came out and demanded his reward. The barman looked at the horse who was crying and howling. The barman confused asked if he was a horse whisperer and if not how did he do it both times? The young man proceeded with Well to make the horse laugh I told him I had a bigger penis than him, and to make him cry, I showed him.
English sign from around the world FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD! ————————————— Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an ‘E’ for Effort. We hope you enjoy them. In a Tokyo Hotel: ————————————— Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: ————————————— The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: ————————————— Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: ————————————— To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: ————————————— Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: ————————————— Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: ————————————— The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: ————————————— You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: ————————————— You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: ————————————— Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: ————————————— Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel —————————————: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: ————————————— Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: ————————————— Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: ————————————— Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: ————————————— Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest: ————————————— It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: ————————————— Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: ————————————— Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: ————————————— Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: ————————————— Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: ————————————— Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: ————————————— Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: ————————————— It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: ————————————— Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: ————————————— We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: ————————————— If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: ————————————— Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: ————————————— Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: ————————————— Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: ————————————— The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: ————————————— Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: ————————————— Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: ————————————— When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ————————————— – English well talking. – Here speeching American. Source : http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/signs.txt
Surprising the Cows One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by little Johnny who has run in out of breath to shout, Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f***ing the cow! Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. You should have said, The bull is surprising the cow’ or the bull is servicing the cow, not some filth you picked up at school, he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes in excited again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows! The adults share a knowing grin and Uncle John says, Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ‘surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know. Yes he can! replies his obstinate nephew, He’s f***ing the horse!
It just all depends on how you look at some things… Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid’s great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: ‘Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’ So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid’s staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed. NOW THAT’s how it’s done, Folks! That’s real POLITICAL SPIN
Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks Who might you be? I AM THORRRR!!! His horse perks up and says Well, then wear a thaddle thilly.
Vegetarians have been screaming, Save the Animals! for years. If they were really interested in animals, why do they keep beating a dead horse?
A man walks into a barn The horse says, Why the wrong place?
So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse?
What animal has a dick on its back? A police horse.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white horses fell in the mud.
Plastic parrots A father is talking to his three year old son the week before his birthday. He asks him what he would like as a present, and the boy replies that he would like a parrot. His dad replies that he can’t have a real parrot, but searches all around and eventually finds a plastic parrot toy. The boy’s mother assures him that it will all be ok and they sit down with their son to open his presents. The father worriedly hands the plastic parrot to his son but the boy immediately loves his gift and will not stop playing with it. That Christmas, the boy asks for another plastic parrot to play with, so his dad goes back to the store and gets another. The boy is overjoyed and can’t stop playing with his parrots. The next year he asks again for a plastic parrot, and his dad is surprised that he is still so interested in parrots, but complies. He begins to amass more and more toy parrots. On his sixth birthday his parents throw him a parrot themed party. By this point he has started school and some of the kids in his class come to the party. ‘Your kid really does like parrots’ some of the parents note when they are dropping their children off at the party. The boy’s parents shrug it off, thinking it is just a phase. But year after year, the boy keeps asking for plastic parrots for his birthday, and his entire room is full of them, along with the parrot themed wallpaper and duvet cover. By his eighth birthday he has around 30 plastic parrots, this later rises to 50 by the time he is 10. He is finding it increasingly hard to make friends at school, preferring to stay home and play with his parrots instead of hanging out with humans. At the age of 13 his parents take him to a psychiatrist to ask if there is anything wrong, but he is completely normal. He goes to another psychiatrist, but is told the same. ‘He just really likes parrots’. By the age of 14 the situation is starting to take its toll on the family. The house becomes filled with plastic parrots and his mother cannot handle it anymore. She gets into arguments with the father and eventually walks out on him and the boy. This event makes parrot boy even more depressed and so by his 15th birthday, even though his parents no longer give him plastic parrots directly, he spends all his birthday money on parrots. By this point the dad is furious. He asks his son, ‘Why are you so obsessed with these plastic parrots?’ but his son simply blanks him and walks away. Every time he brings it up in conversation, he changes the subject. When the boy turns 16 his dad tells him he needs to get a job, because he cannot keep giving him money for plastic parrots. He becomes a waiter in a local restaurant, and things start to look up. He is actually leaving his bedroom to socialise rather than play with parrots, he even meets a girl at work and eventually she becomes his girlfriend. He gives some of his plastic parrots to a charity that gives toys to disadvantaged children. But things come crashing down when him and his girlfriend split up. Just one time, he asks her to dress up as a parrot for him and she doesn’t comply, storming out of the house calling him a freak. This makes his plastic parrot addiction worse, he buys more and more, begins hoarding them, hiding them from his dad. But one day his dad finds a bunch under the bed. Instead of screaming at the son, his dad breaks down and cries. ‘Is there anything I can do to make it stop? Is there anything in the world you want more than plastic parrots?’ the dad begs with his son. ‘Well, there is one thing,’ he replies. ‘I still can’t drive, and I would really like a car.’ The dad runs off, booking his son a driving instructor immediately. After a few months of lessons the boy is really getting the hang of driving. His dad is so proud. The plastic parrots have once again been sold off or given away and it seems the son is cured. He takes his driving test and passes the first time. He is so pleased and his dad so proud of him that he takes him to a garage and asks him to pick out a car. Whichever car, no matter how expensive, if it will stop the parrots. The boy is not too fussy, he is happy with a ford focus. The next day he drives off in his new car, but his dad receives a phone call. His son has been in an accident and crashed. He rushes to the hospital but it soon becomes clear that his son has been badly hurt. ‘His injuries are serious but he is stable, and he will probably pull through,’ his dad is told. His dad runs into the room to speak with his son, terrified after what has happened. ‘Son, I love you so much. But please tell me, just incase anything like this ever happens again, but worse. The only thing I want to ask you and have ever wanted to ask you in my entire life, is why are you so obsessed with the parrots?’ He looks at his son, who starts to cry. ‘Dad I love you. And I am so sorry I kept it from you,’ his son replies. He knows that it is time for the truth. ‘The real reason that I’m so obsessed with plastic parrots is’………. and then he died.
2 horses talkin in the barn… The first horse looks at the second & says what are u & the farmer doin today , the 2nd horse says we’re gonna hook up the cart go to town & pick up some supplies, & u? . The first horse replies probaly gonna hook up the plow & work out in the feilds . Just then a dog walks in & see’s the 2 horses talkin & asks what r u guys talkin about? The first horse looks at the second & gasps Holy Shit Dude, A Talkin Dog!!!
An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the atheist. How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death? as he smiled smugly. OK, she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is? The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the little girl replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?
A lawyer walks across the street. A lawyer walks across the street. He’s hit by a bus he gets up and there’s flames all around him. He says fuck and looks bummed out the devil walks up and says why the long face. I’m in hell he says. The devil says well its not that bad down here, Do you like to drink? Yes says the lawyer the devil says Monday all we do is drink all day long wine beer whiskey rum you name it and drink all you want there’s no hangovers. The devil asks him do you like to gamble? Yes says the lawyer devil says On Tuesday all we do is gamble all day long black jack horse racing keno bingo you name it all day long. Devil says you like drugs? Lawyer says sure occasionally I’d partake devil says Wednesday all we do is drugs all you want smack crack pot meth you name it all we do drugs all day long. Devil asks are you into homosexuality? No I’m not said the lawyer. Oh your’e not gonna like Thursday.
Ten mathematicians walk into a bar The first one orders a beer not to be outdone the second one asks for ten times as many beers as the mathematician in front of him. The pattern continues until the final mathematician finishes his order, the bartender slams his hands on the counter and says hold your horses, this is an order of magnitude
Topical Jokes for April (didn’t post the last batch, so here’s all of the recent ones) 4/28 Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop. Billionaire Richard Branson is hosting a digital currency summit on his private Caribbean island. So he’s one golden gun away from being a James Bond villain. In Michigan, a girl with cancer was expelled from middle school because she’d had too many absences. The school’s attitude is, if you’re healthy enough to go out and get cancer treatment, you’re healthy enough to go to class. China is cracking down on funerals that hire strippers to perform. The biggest problem with the funerals, is that too many people are showing up. …proponents of the funeral strippers say it’s nice to see the departed get one final lapdance. In Atlanta, Lil Wayne’s tour bus was shot multiple times. Making Lil Wayne’s tour bus another of many inanimate objects, that have more street cred than Lil Wayne. In Nigeria, a woman divorced her husband because his penis was too big. The woman described her husband’s penis as really long, hairy, and had a foot on the end of it. 4/20 In Iowa, a man called the police to report that his bag of dog poop had been stolen. Police already have the suspect in custody, and good news, they caught him brown-handed. In Pennsylvania, a woman told police her car accident was caused by her parrot who was drinking coffee. Police questioned the parrot, but all it said was, Polly want a latte! In Texas, a Walmart employee was arrested after stealing more than $230,000 dollars from the store. If convicted, the woman could be facing a life sentence as a Walmart greeter. In Sierra Leone, schools closed due to an Ebola outbreak have re-opened after eight months. The schools are pretty dusty, so students are busy licking every surface clean. Documents revealed that Ben Affleck kept PBS from revealing that his ancestors owned slaves. Affleck even tried to bribe one PBS executive by offering to give him Matt Damon. …In reality, Ben Affleck’s ancestors never owned a slave, they just borrowed their neighbor’s slave once and never returned it. A North Korean defector says that watching The Interview could cause North Koreans to revolt. And that’s just to get them to turn the movie off.
2 horses 2 horses are talking to each other. One says ‘man my butt hurts’ The other says ‘mine hurts too! Say…you raced today right?’ ‘Yes’ says the first one. ‘Well,’ the 2nd one says, ‘I raced too. And after, my butt hurt!’ Then a dog walks by and says ‘you idiots. They’re injecting you with drugs before the race so you’ll go faster. That’s why your butt hurts. Because the drugs are still in you’ Then one horse says ‘hey hey look! A talking dog!’
Horse’s dick Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour. Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick & pulled the chicken out.. Chicken was damn impressed.. Moral of the story- If u have a horse’s dick, u don’t need an Audi to pick up chicks.
Trip to the aquarium joke The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn’t wait to get to my favourite creature. I don’t know why but I’ve always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since then they’ve just stuck with me. I can name every single breed of them without even trying. So I get to the eel section which is crowded beyond belief. I mean I love eels but most people just kind of glance at them on the way to the stingrays. Today there were so many people there I couldn’t even see the tank. I managed to push myself to the front, accidentally shoving a toddler, and saw what all the fuss was about. There they were, all swimming about, hidingin crevices, doing what eels do best. Except one. I couldn’t actually believe it but right in the middle of the tank there was an eel. Biggest eel in there. And it was singing. Clear as day it was singing. I don’t know how we were all hearing it through the glass and the water but we could see its mouth moving perfectly with the words. It even hummed some of the music at one point so I know it wasn’t a trick. It only sang the one song though, this old love song that I can’t remember the name of. It’s really popular though,used in loads of movies, especially ones about Italy. I couldn’t believe it, I’d never seen an eel do this before. I knew so much about eels and yet I’d never heard of this kind before. I managed to spot an employee on the other side of the room and struggled my way over. I somehow got his attention over the noise of all the people and the singing eel. How the hell does an eel know that song? How is it able to sing? What kind of eel is it? And he turned to me and went oh that’s a moray
A friend in need is a friend indeed Before King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ), in room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours…. He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast to him. What’s wrong ? King asks. . . . . Out of breath, his friend answers, It is the wrong Key…!!
Tesco reported a £6.4bn loss.. I guess that’s what you get for betting on horses!
A man goes to buy a horse… A man in search of purchasing a horse finds an ad in the local newspaper claiming the horse is fully trained and will offer a test ride to any potential buyer. So the man shows up and looks at the horse asks if he may take it for a test ride. The owner agrees and explains the voice commands to control the horse. He says to make him go you say oh my goodness and to make him stop you say bananas . So the man gets on the horse and says oh my goodness and the horse takes off. A while into the trip the man notices a cliff is approaching. He suddenly realizes he forgot the command to stop. He says apples, peaches, strawberries, BANANAS! The horse comes to a halt right at the edge of the cliff and the man says oh my goodness that was close.
A mans driving and sees a sign. Sign says if you can make my horse laugh il give you a million dollars. So guy pulls in and makes the horse laugh. Owner of the horse ask how did you do that. Guy says i will tell you another time. About a month later same guy is driving and sees another sign in the same plot that says, if you can make my horse cry il give you a million dollars. So the guy pulls in and makes the horse cry. Owner of the horse says how do you do it. Guy says will first i said my dick was bigger then his. Second time i showed him.
A couple is talking to their child, who’s in Kindergarten, at the dinner table… So I got my first race horse treat today! Race horse treat what’s that ? the mother asked. Well, you know how some classes have gold stars ? The parents both nodded their head in reply, the father almost spilling his pipe’s ashes over the table The teacher has a race track that goes up the wall instead, and at the bottom are paper horses with the classes name on them, and each time we get to the end of the race track, teacher gives us a little candy carrot and your horse is put back at the bottom. And whenever she looks at your notebook at the end of the day, she’ll give you a message like good job, you’re almost there, keep going, and I’ll come to get you a treat soon, stuff like that. The child then said I wish I was hung like a horse ! The mother almost replied back in a chastising tone but then realized her child didn’t know what he was saying so she just said Don’t say that at school, are the teacher might actually hand you up there. The child pretended to zip his mouth closed and said I didn’t mean it like that. The child woke up, he heard something down the hall ^^^^good he got out of his bed^^^keepgoing he opened the door ^^abouttocome walked down the hall ^atreatforyou. The mother screamed when she noticed her child standing in the open doorway, just smiling. While the mother was to shocked to say anything and the father turned around with a disappointing look that said I thought she was screaming for me, the child did a zip motion on his lips and said I know I’m not supposed to say it so I won’t, but I will say that dad must be really you know what to get a candy carrot that big….OOPS! I wasn’t supposed to say anything was I Mom, that carrot was a surprise for Dad, so that’s why you’re sitting on it. Oh wow, you even have a horse *tail* too Dad!
Black Beauty. There’s a dark horse.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the long face ? The horse, incapable of understanding the human language promptly shits on the floor and leaves
I used to be into bestiality, sadism, and necrophilia… But eventually I realized I was beating a dead horse.
I went for an interview at a black smiths.. The black smith asked have you ever shoed a horse before? I replied no, but i told a donkey to fuck off
A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage….(old one i heard from my grandpa) they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving that’s one he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won’t go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says that’s two he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won’t go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says that’s three and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him that’s the terrible! You didn’t have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says that’s one
