My doctor told me I was eating too much meat So I decided to quit cold turkey
The old turkey hunter There was an old turkey hunter, every year he went on a long hunting trip out of town, and every year the old man brought his wife back a gift. As the old man drove home he came across an old country store. So he decided to go in and find his wife a gift. As the old man browsed through the store he came to a large assortment of nuts, so the old man looked to the young clerk and asked how much is a pound of walnuts , the young clerk replied they are 7.95 . Jesus Christ good gracious the old man said, then he looked and said, what about a pound of your pecans ? The young clerk said they are 7.24 sir , son of a bitch, how the hell the old man exclaimed. Finally the old man found a plain old bag of goobernuts and he asked the clerk, ok how much are the goobernuts , the clerk said they are 4.94 . The old man shaking his head scooped himself a pound of goober nuts and took them up to the register, although the old man had done nothing but complain he said to the young clerk, I just want to thank you young man, I appreciate how kind you have been. I know that I have a very strange voice and often times people tend to mock me. The young clerk merely shook his head no I want to thank you sir, most people tend to treat me different because of my long and Bulbous nose. The old man squinted looking at the young clerk.. you node that’s your nose??, fuck me I thought it was your dick your nuts were so freakin high Much funnier when you do the old mans voice in all reality
Thanksgiving Day… It was the week before thanksgiving and a little kid heard his parents arguing, although he couldn’t hear much, he made out the words Bitch and Bastard . So he goes up to his Dad and says Daddy, What is a bastard? And his Dad replies Oh sweety, it is just another word for gentlemen. Later that day, he goes up to his Mom and says Mommy, What is a bitch? And his Mom replies Honey, it is just another word for women Two days later the kid is sitting downstairs watching television when he hears his parents arguing again, although he still can’t hear much, he makes out the words Penis and Vagina . Not knowing what these words mean, he plans to ask his parents. He decides to ask his Mom first, he walks up to her and says Mommy, what is a vagina? His Mom, who didn’t know what to say, looked around the the first thing she saw was a coat, so she said Honey, it is just another word for coat . Satisfied with that answer, the little kid decides to ask his dad what a Penis is. So he waks up to his Dad and says Daddy, What is a penis? His Dad, looks around the room and the first thing he sees is a hat, so he says It is just another word for hat The little kid satisfied with his answer, leaves and goes back to the television. It is the morning of thanksgiving and the little kids parents gave him a very important job, to welcome the guests. But, it was still early and no one had arrived yet. All of a sudden he hears his dad scream SHIT . His Dad had cut himself shaving. The little kid runs up to his dad and asks What does shit mean? And his Dad replies It is just a type of shaving cream . An hour later he hears his Mom yell FUCK , she had cut her finger while she was cutting the turkey. The little kid runs up to his Mom and asks if she is ok and asks What does fuck mean? His mom says back Honey, it is just a way of cutting the turkey . So the guests arrive, and the kid goes to welcome them and says in his most gentleman like way, Welcome Bitches and Bastards, may I have your penises and vaginas? My Dad is upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my Mom is fucking the turkey.
NSFW Little johnny is playing in his brothers room when… he hears a rap song his brother is playing. The rap song says pimps and hoes , and little johnny asks his brother what that means. His brother in a panic says it means ladies and gentlemen! His brother decides to turn off the music, but before he could hit the button the song continues on to say dicks and pussies little Johnny again curious asks his older brother what this means, and his brother replies, coats and hats! He kicks Johnny out of his room and Johnny passes his dad in the bathroom shaving. He goes in, and right before he can tell his dad about what he had learned his dad cuts himself shaving and screams, SHIT and without hesitation little Johnny asks, what does that mean? His dad startled by him being there says shaving cream Johnny. Now go find your mom! And shuts the door. Johnny goes into the kitchen where his mom is stuffing a turkey for a family dinner they are having. During the process she gets her hand stuck in the turkey and screams, FUCK! , little johnny again curious asks, whats that mean? , she turns around embarrassed and said stuffing Johnny! Now go and play with your toys. About half an hour goes by and little Johnnies grandparents come by! They ring the door bell and Johnny answers invitimg his grandparents in. As they walk in, little Johnny is more then proud to show off all of what he learned!! Welcome pimps and hoes, please put your dicks and pussies on the the coat rack! His grandparents gasp at what he says and scream, where are your parents!?!? To which he replies, my dads in the bathroom shaving shit off his face, and my moms in the kitchen fucking a turkey!
This year I had a dog for Christmas That’s funny, we had a turkey like every other year
Today I quit smoking cold turkey Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.
A kid asks for a dog for Christmas. His mom says No, we’re eating a turkey like always.
This is a story of a perfectly married couple. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!
Wrong Synonyms It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children’s grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells shit when she accidentally gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, Mommie, what does shit mean? The mother quickly replies, Shit is just another word for makeup dear. Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy’s father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says fuck. The boy asks him if he’s seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister’s room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says stuff . Like stuffing a turkey. The boy goes to his sister’s room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
A priest and his atheist friend go hunting in the woods The atheist spots a turkey in the distance. He aims his rifle, shoots, and misses. Dammit, I missed! Don’t say that, says the priest, lest you incur God’s wrath. They walk on some more and the atheist spots a rabbit. He aims his rifle, shoots, and misses again. Dammit, I missed! Don’t say that! Says the priest again. God will surely strike you down next time! Finally, in the deepest part of the woods, they spot a large, beautiful buck, enough to feed both of them for weeks! The atheist painstakingly aims, slowly pulls the trigger, and **BANG!** misses again! DAMMIT! I MISSED! The priest opens his mouth to chide his friend again, when fire from heaven consumes the priest, bones and all. And God squinted down from heaven, saw who he smote, and said, Dammit, I missed!
There’s a strange new trend in my office… People have started naming food in the office fridge Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.
A woman goes to get a tattoo The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman’s answers. Because my husband always says there isn’t anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Just after Thanksgiving this year.. I quit left overs, cold turkey.
A young woman named Jane received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jane tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally Jane was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jane shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jane in desperation, threw up her hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jane quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jane’s outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior . Jane was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. She was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued… May I ask what the turkey did?
Three pollocks are discussing the meaning of Easter The first pollock says, Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football. No you moron, said the second pollock. That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree. Don’t be stupid, said the third pollock. You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter.
The Parrot Joke. !Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can’t understand where it picked up such fowl speech. After a party hosted at his house gets ruined by the birds filthy mouth the man has had enough! After his friends leave the man picks the bird up and yells why are you acting this way!? The bird lurches back at strikes out at the man; injuring him in a minor fashion. The fellow grabs the bird and swings open the freezer door. The parrot wrestling about and screaming the whole time. He plunges the parrot into the freezer and slams the door while falling with his back against the freezer door in one motion. NOW THE PARROT IS FREAKIN OUT. Buckling the fridge from side to side with its rage fueled flapping. Suddenly, all at once, it stopped. There was no flapping.. no screaming or swearing. He opened the door slowly. The parrot flies up and meets the mans hand with an innocent demeanor. The parrot looks down for a moment. Then speaks to the man. Sir , I’d like to apologize, my manners have been awful & I have been so unappreciative. . The man is shocked! What has caused this drastic turn around? Before he could speak the parrot interrupted. I’m sorry sir, I have just one question… what did the turkey do ?
A Joke There was a couple that lived in the US. They were a normal couple, except that the husband always lazed about at home, sleeping constantly. His wife didn’t mind that, as they were madly in love, except that every hour or so, he would let loose of a big fart. After a while, his wife got pissed off, so she yelled: One day, Johnny, you’re gonna fart your guts out! But he waved her off, grumbling that she was in a bad mood. After a few months, Christmas came. And while the wife was preparing their Christmas dinner, she found him sound asleep in the living room on the couch. That was when she came up with a way to teach her husband some manners. She removed some of the turkey’s guts and slipped it under her husband’s butt. A few hours later, she heard a shriek of terror coming from the living room. Minutes later, her husband approached her, his face pale as snow. So what happened? asked the wife, a sly smile on her face. Well, honey, remember what you said a few months back? Well, you were right. But with this finger of mine, he then held up his pointer finger: I shoved them back in.
How do you end world hunger? Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.
What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common? Cold turkey
What do you want to eat a week after thanksgiving? Anything but fucking turkey…
A years worth of jokes Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth. Oldest to Newest Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play? A.)He wanted to rock the joint Q.)Why didn’t the rancher let the cowboy near his horse? A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball? A.)They can duck Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave? A.)Because they have a lot of guts Q.)Why don’t cars have a problem with motivation? A.)Because they are driven Holiday bonus Q.)What is a Christmas gift’s biggest fear? A.)A tapeworm Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time? A.)Because he is short with everyone Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb? A.)If it isn’t very bright Holiday Bonus Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas? A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer) Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries? A.)Berried (buried) Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves? A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride) Christmas Eve Bonus Q.)Where does Santa put his money? A.)The snow bank Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late? A.)Because they are running behind Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer’s Glue? A.)I have to. I am stuck with it. Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions? A.)It brought him to tears Q.)Why was the farmer angry? A.)He had a cow Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed? A.)Because it is just the pits Q.)How much is a male deer worth? A.)A buck Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king? A.)He liked to throw his weight around Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT? A.)He wanted to have a blast Q.)Why were the butcher’s goods so cheap? A.)Because they were at cut rate prices Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden? A.)He needed some flower Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor’s office? A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes) Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask? A.)Burning questions Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious? A.)Because they are on pins and needles Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait? A.)Bookworms Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning? A.)Because he’s tired Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe? A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences? A.)Because he was in his blue period Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving? A.)Stay in touch Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him? A.)A crushing defeat Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read? A.)Suspense novels Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear? A.)A hoodie Current Events Bonus Q.)Why don’t some people like revolutions? A.)Because they are revolting Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life? A.)Because they are hollow inside Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into? A.)A brush with death Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot? A.)A dead ringer Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay? A.)Because he wanted a cash cow Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC? A.)In case it crashed Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table? A.)Because they often see saucers there Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute? A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found? A.)His patients had lost their minds Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet? A.)He felt it was too plane (plain) Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road? A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate? A.)So he would be heard Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles? A.)People were being driven mad Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear? A.) Because he was in ear shot Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous? A.)He was sweating bullets 36 IS bonus Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music? A.)In stereo Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive? A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets) Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife? A.)Armed and dangerous Nerd Bonus A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to? B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol) Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass? A.)Because her name was brandy Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates? A.)A think tank Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken? A.)Pole-land Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor’s office? A.)Because they always have head colds Q.)Why don’t car salesmen go driving? A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz) Q.)What is the Color Guard’s favorite month of the year? A.)March Q.)Why don’t ants make computers? A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems Q.)Why don’t Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations? A.)Because they don’t want to try to get blood from a stone Q.)Why aren’t lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo? A.)Because they’re never spotted Q.)Why don’t nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette? A.)Because nice guys finished last Military Bonus Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song? A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military) Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from? A.)Staff infections Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth? A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers? A.)Corny Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with? A.)Hay fever Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers? A.)Lesions (Legions) Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get? A.)Collaria (Cholera) Military Bonus Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker? A.)A hot wash Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives? A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people? A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters Nerd Bonus Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer? A.)Denim, denim, denim…..denim, denim, denim (say it quickly) Q.)Why don’t people with bananas go to food fights? A.)Because they’re yellow Q.)What is a mathematician’s favorite art form? A.)Paint by numbers Q.)Why don’t Texas Instruments make their products out of metal? A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso? A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth? A.)I fount it Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him? A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good. America Bonus Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? A.) Because Freedom rings Q.)Why shouldn’t people be upset about water spots? A.)Because it should just wash out Q.) Where might officers prefer to work? A.) In the office Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing? A.) A plasma screen Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese? A.)Take a gander Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly? A.)Because they are always taking flight Nerd joke Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use? A.) A smart phone Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring? A.)Because they are just plain (plane) Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware? A.)A fork-lift Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork? A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top? A.) Because they understand Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically? A.) Current events Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens? A.)They are all about graphite Bonus joke Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building? A.) A Labradoor Retriever Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles? A.)Because they like to peel out before they split Q.)Why can’t rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach? A.)Because the letters need a seal Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes’ favorite game to play? A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever? A.)Because they are always being cooped-up Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash? A.)A running gag Bonus joke Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave? A.) Because there is no morale (no more al) Q.)Why aren’t taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates? A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money? A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy Bonus joke Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist? A.)Because he struck a nerve Q.)Why don’t salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses? A.)Because that’s overtime Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire? A.)He wanted a camp fire Military Bonus Q.)What is a CDE analyst’s favorite dance? A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area) Q.)Why don’t the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes? A.)Because they are really square Q.)Why aren’t mustangs taken seriously? A.)Because they’re always horsing around Q.)Why don’t paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper? A.)Because then they would be on the grid Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait? A.)Because he wanted to be chums Q.)Why don’t tailors get along? A.)Because they are always sizing each other up Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times? A.)Because then you couldn’t have any knights Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat? A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor) Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution? A.)Because they are always asking for exact change Current Events Bonus Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling? A.)Because Ebola is deadly Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs? A.)Because they tell colored jokes Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches? A.)Because then it’s the pits Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters? A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars? A.)Because of all that horse power Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking? A.)Because they are always horse Holiday Bonus Q.)Why aren’t turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving? A.)Because they are usually stuffed Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height? A.)She told him to please hold Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers? A.)Because they think they’re uppity Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside? A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition Q.)What did the tourists say about the world’s largest glass house after it was broken? A.)It’s not all it’s cracked up to be Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything? A.)Antibiotics Q.)What was Strategic Air Command’s favorite part of Christmas? A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)
So Recep Tayyip Erdoğan says to Michelle Bachelet, Do you want to get together and make some dinner? For you dense fuckers, this joke is playing on Turkey and Chile’s presidents.
Three Blondes Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. . The first blonde said, Easter is a holiday where tehy have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. . St. Peter said, Nooooooo, and he banished her to hell. . The second blonde said, Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts. St. Peter said, Noooooo, and he banished her to hell. . The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, so, tell me. She said, Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder… . St. Peter said, Verrrrry good. . Then the blonde continued, Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball. . St. Peter fainted.
Who farted? Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. . The first blonde said, Easter is a holiday where tehy have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. . St. Peter said, Nooooooo, and he banished her to hell. . The second blonde said, Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts. St. Peter said, Noooooo, and he banished her to hell. . The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, so, tell me. She said, Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder… . St. Peter said, Verrrrry good. . Then the blonde continued, Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball. . St. Peter fainted.
A man won’t stop farting in bed… This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years; the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. However the years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened! But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…
Deli meats I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn’t quit cold turkey.
I showed up later to dinner yesterday because I was baking a turkey. I’m the turkey. Il see myself to the kitchen table.
The worst part of Thanksgiving is all of the leftovers… and having to heat them up every time I want to eat since I quit cold turkey.
Bad Parrot BAD Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, May I ask what the turkey did?
It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I’m quitting cold turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving Reddit! Let us all give thanks to the day Jesus ate turkey with the pilgrims.
Who’s the only one who doesn’t say thanks on Thanksgiving? The Turkey.
Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving… Might as well (re)post it here. How to cook a turkey How to cook a turkey Step 1: Go buy a turkey Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, May I ask what the turkey did?
I used to date the lead singer of the cranberries Until i found out she was cheating on me….turns out she had some turkey on the side. 😀
Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, May I ask what the turkey did?
My mom is in the kitchen fucking a turkey and my dad is upstairs shaving shit off his face A little boy walks down his neighborhood late at night and he hears two couples having sex for this first time. He hears the woman say Put your penis in my vagina now! . The boy runs to his mother in the house and asks Mom mom what does penis and vagina mean? The mother appalled at what her little baby had heard she said penis means jacket and vagina means hat . The next day the boy is walking by the kitchen when his mom cuts herself by accident while cutting a turkey and she inadvertently yells Fuck The boy runs to his mom and asks Mom mom what does fuck mean? The mom quickly says Fuck is another word used for cut . The boy then goes upstairs and while his dad is shaving, the dad cuts himself and says shit . The boy runs to his dad and says Dad dad what does shit mean? The dad embarrassingly says shit is another word for a shaving cream. Two minutes later some guests ring the bell, the boy goes to answer. Once he opens the door he politely says Welcome ladies and gentlemen, let me hang your penises and vaginas, my mom is in the kitchen fucking a turkey and my dad is upstairs shaving shit off his face.
[Garage Sale] Excuse me, how much for these sex toys? Uh sir, those are turkey basters. What? They juice turkeys You watch your mouth. That’s the mother of my children you’re talking about, you son of a bitch.
[Long][NSFW]A boy named Billy was walking around his house one day when he heard his parents arguing. The dad got angry and called the mom a bitch, and the mom returned the favor by calling the dad a bastard. Later that day Billy asked his dad what a Bitch was, to which his father told him it was a Lady. He than asked his mother what a Bastard was and she replied a Gentleman. Later that night Billy over hears them having makeup sex and hears the dad say show me them tits. The mom says only if you show me your dick. The next morning Billy asks his dad what Tits were and the dad says they are Coats. Later he asked his mother what a Dick was and she tells him that it means Jackets. Later that afternoon Billy walks into his dad shaving as he cuts himself and screams Shit. Billy asked what Shit means and his dad said it means hair. Billy walks down to the kitchen where his mom is making a turkey. She burns herself and screams Fuck. Billy asks her what Fuck means and she says to cook. The doorbell rings and its the neighbors. Billy answers the door and says, Hello Bitchs and Bastards, can I take your Dicks and Tits? The neighbors were in shock and asked where Billy’s parents were. He said, My dad is in the bathroom shaving the Shit off his face and my mom is in the kitchen Fucking a turkey.
A teacher comes to a student’s house for a parent teacher meeting A teacher comes over to a student’s house for a parent teacher meeting. The mom is making turkey in the kitchen and the dad is shaving for the occasion. The teacher rings the doorbell and the student answers and allows the teacher to come in. The teacher asks, What are your parents doing? The student goes to check in on his mom first. While cutting the turkey the mom cuts a finger and yells **FUCK!** Then the student goes to the bathroom to see how his dad is doing. The Dad cuts himself while shaving and yells **SHIT!** The student then comes back down and tells the teacher, My mom is fucking a turkey in the kitchen and my dad is shitting himself in the bathroom.
an inspector knocks on the door… an inspector knocked on the door. the six year old boy opened the door and the inspector asked the kid wheres his parents be at? the kid went to the kitchen to call his mom. the mom was cutting a turkey and she accidentally cut her finger. she yells out FUCK! the six year old asks what does that mean. the mom says uh, um it means im cutting a turkey. the six year old boy then went to go call his dad. the dad was taking a big heavy box to the attic and dropped it on his foot. he screams out SHIT the six year old boy says what does that mean? the dad says it means im taking a box to the attic The six year old boy goes back to the inspector and tells the inspector that his mom is fucking a turkey and his dad is taking a shit in the attic.
I went to a European restaurant the other day… …because I was really Hungary. At first, I was going to have some Sweden some carrots, before settling on some Turkey. But the kitchen must have been Russian to get my food out, because there was Moldova it. I said, there’s Norway I’m eating *that!*
Little Timmy was out with his mother And he sees two women who are arguing. One screams You bitch! And the other returns with You whore! . Timmy asked his mother what these words meant, and his mother, not wanting to say their actual meaning, told him that they were words used to describe women. He then comes home and goes up to see his dad, who is shaving. His dad cuts himself, and exclaims, Shit! Little Timmy asks him what that word means, and his dad says it is another word for shaving. He then goes to his mother, who is in the kitchen plucking the turkey. She makes a mistake, and shouts, Fuck! Timmy asks her the meaning of that word, and his mother says that it is another word for pluck. The doorbell rang. Little Timmy went to the door, opened it, and saw three women. One asked, Hi Timmy! Where are your parents? Timmy replied: Hello, whores and bitches. My dad is in the bathroom shitting and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
Literary alcohol puns I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones? Here are a couple my friends and I thought of… 50 Shades of Grey Goose, Into the Wild Turkey, Beer and Present Danger, Patriot Drinking Games, The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy), The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.
So, my parents told me that… A boy is hearing his parents argue. His mom calls his dad a son of a bitch! And his dad calls his mom a bitch. The boy asks his parents what bitch and son of a bitch mean. The mom explains bitch means grandma. The dad explains that son of a bitch means grandpa. The boy is satisfied and goes off to play. A little while later, the boy’s parents have made up and are doing some heavy petting. The mom says to the dad, Oh, honey…stick your dick in my pussy! The boy hears this and asks his parents what do dick and pussy mean. The dad explains that dick means hat. And the mom explains that pussy means shoes. The boy is satisfied with these answers and goes off to play. Later, the boy’s dad is shaving. He cuts himself and says SHIT! . The boy asks his dad what does shit mean. The dad explains that shit means hair. Later still, the boy’s mom is cooking a turkey in the kitchen and accidentally cuts herself with a knife. She bellows out a hearty, FUCK! . The boy asks what does fuck mean. The mom explains that fuck means cook. Finally, the boy’s grandparents show up to have dinner. They ring the doorbell and the boy dashes to the door, swings it open, and greets his grandparents by saying, Hi bitch and son of a bitch. Come in and take off your dicks and pussies. My dad is upstairs shaving shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking a turkey! I didn’t repost this at all 🙂
One day a kid… One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling YOU BITCH YOU BASTARD . Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen . Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room. Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words DICK and CUNT over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said Dick means coat and cunt means jackets. Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, SHIT!!!!! he yelled. What’s shit mean daddy, the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, it means shaving cream. The boy did his business and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. AW FUCK!! , she yelled. What’s fuck mean mommy , the boy asked. It means stuffing the turkey. Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad’s in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Is she Hungary? Is she Hungary? Jimmy asked. Alaska, said Johnny. Yes, Siam, she replied. All right. I’ll Fiji, Jimmy offered. Oh, don’t Russia Johnny admonished. What if she Whales? Jimmy demanded. Give her a Canada Chile, Johnny suggested. I’d rather have Turkey, she said. Except that I can’t have Greece. When the waiter bought the check, Johnny asked Jimmy, I say, look and see how much has Egypt you.
Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof….. The first construction workers says, I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof. He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof. The second construction worker says, If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof. He opens his lunch and there’s cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof. The third construction worker says to himself, If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self. He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself. Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals. The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me. The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here. The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn’t crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way. Don’t look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch.
