Boudreaux’s dead duck Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux’s office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving. Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said. Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said. Doc, you gotta do something – run some test – do something , Boudreaux demanded. Okay , Doc Robicheaux said. The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out. The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat’ll be 125 dollars . Dat’s a lot just to tell me dat my duck’s dead , Boudreaux protested. Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead – that woulda been 10 dollars. You’re da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
Brown Balls A man injures himself on the job and goes to see the doctor about it. He ends up being out of work and incapacitated for 6 months. His wife ends up getting another job to help support and she also has the 4 children to take care of. Needless to say this is a very busy woman. The man gets better, gets back to work and wouldn’t you know it, he re-injures himself. He goes to see the doctor about it and the doctor says Yup, that’ll be another 6 months, and by the way, you have brown balls 6 months pass of the same thing. The man goes back to work and injures himself again! He goes to see the doctor, and the doctor says Once again, you’ll have to take 6 months off. And by the way, you have brown balls. At this point, his wife who has been working two jobs is absolutely frustrated with him. She says I’ve been working like a dog trying to bring money in and take care of the kids and all you can do is lie around injured. I don’t even have time to wipe my own ass! The husband says Yeah we have to talk about that too
Poor Boudreaux . . . Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site. Priest: What did you do with the lumber, my son? Boudreaux: Well, Father, my porch, she’s had a hole for a long time. I’m afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole. Priest: Well, that’s not so bad. Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. Priest: What did you do with it? Boudreaux: Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain’t never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse. Priest: OK, anything else? Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain’t never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage. Priest: Now, this is getting a little out of hand. Boudreaux: Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left. Priest: Yes? Boudreaux: Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom. Priest: OK! That’s definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don’t you? Boudreaux: No, Father … but if you got the plans, I got the lumber.
An orphan had a rough year… He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans. Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, Cause they don’t beat anybody. [Insert the listener’s favorite sports team for bonus laughs]
A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting. In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years. So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned. Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out! Her mother tells her there’s nothing to worry about and tells her the story. Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out! The mother explains everything and goes back to watering. That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room. Mom! Mom! I was- Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out? No, no! says the son, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!
I went to a zoo today… It only had a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Why are their so many cats in China? Because theirs no dogs!
What did the Asian cannibal say to his friend? What’s up, dog!
Lawyer and a dog A man enters a lawyer’s office to get some legal advice. He immediately notices that the lawyer is dressed extremely well and is standing in front of a mirror fixing his hair. The lawyer says I can’t help you right now… I’ve got another client that keeps having sex with his dog. The man says Oh so you need to go bail him out? The lawyer says No I want to meet this dog!
Who says dads can’t think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids. A little girl asked her mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, No, because she is in heat. What does that mean? asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom and she said the dog was in heat and to come to you. Dad said, Bring Belle over here. Being from the old school, he took a rag and soaked it with a little gasoline and dabbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent and said, OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block. The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, Where’s Belle? (YOURE GONNA LOVE THIS!!) The little girl said, She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. If you are not laughing now, you are not living.
Man’s best friend… A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can’t sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog’s testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: Boy, don’t remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
My dad was cutting up onions and I started tearing up. Onions was a great dog. :'(
What’s the difference between your mom and your dog? Your mom CHOOSES to be tied up when I fuck her. You see it’s a triple joke: A. I fucked your mom B. She’s into some bdsm shit C. I fucked your dog
My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying. Onions was a great dog.
Doggystyle How do i like doggystyle sex? Ruff
What’s got 2 legs and bikers? Half a dog.
I hate my job… My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Ever hear the story of the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He would lay awake at night worried about the existence of dog.
I wanted to see lot of animals so I went to the zoo. But they only had one small dog. It was a SHIH-TZU.
You know the saying Life is like a box of chocolates… You never know what you’re gonna get. Well, from a dog’s perspective it would be Life is like a box of chocolates, you’re done with it when you finish eating the chocolates.
A dog walks into this bar.. A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, Hey barkeep, it’s my birthday today. How ’bout a free drink? The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, Sure pal, toilet’s right down the hall.
A dog in need of a loan… A dog is in need of a loan, so he heads to the bank. He goes to the loan officer, named Ms. Paddywhack, and asks her for a loan. What do you have for collateral? she asks. The dog presents a clear orb to her. Ms. Paddywhack is very confused, so she gets her manager, who tells her, It’s a knick-knack, Paddywhack; give the dog a loan!
Three dogs are waiting at the vet…. The first dog turns to the second dog and says, What are you here for? The second dog says, Oh I’m a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely. The first dog says, Oh man you are getting neutered. The second dog says, Oh no! This is terrible. Then says to the first dog, Well why are you here? The first dog says, Well I’m a pisser. I piss on everything. The bed, my owners clothes, the kids, anything. Sadly I’m here to get neutered too. The second dog says, Oh man that’s terrible too! The first dog looks over to the third dog and says, What are you here for? The third dog says, I’m a humper. I hump everything. The couch, my toys, trees, anything. Whenever my owner gets out of the shower I run up to her, rip her towel off and hump the shit out of her! The first and second dog say, Oh man you are getting neutered for sure! The third dog looks at them and says, No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.
It’s so flat… It’s so flat in North Dakota, you can watch your dog run away for two weeks.
My neighber told me Keep your cunt dog out of my yard , and I took afence. So the bastard on the other side of me called the cops on me and they made me put it back in his yard while I was turning it into an inclosure for my dog. The moral of this story is you can’t make everyone happy.
An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food. An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food. Knowing that times are hard, the cashier is sure that the old woman is buying the cat food to eat it herself. Before I can let you buy that, I need you to prove to me that you own a cat. The old woman is upset, and tries to argue, but the cashier doesn’t let up. Later that day, the old woman returns with her cat in a carrier, and is allowed to buy cat food. The next day, the old woman goes to the same supermarket to buy dog food. The cashier can’t believe that she has both a cat and a dog and again tells the old woman that she needs to prove that she owns a dog. The old woman leaves and comes back with a tiny dog, and is allowed to buy dog food. A few days pass, and the old woman returns to the supermarket, but instead of going to the aisles, goes straight to the cashier and hands the cashier a paper bag. The old woman motions for the cashier to open it and look inside. The cashier does this, and while doing so, catches a whiff of its contents. Ew, this smells like poop! , the cashier exclaims. The old woman says, Yes it is, now may I buy toilet paper?
What’s brown, smells, and goes through your underwear? Diarrhea. It’s awful. Especially at the airport when you’re going through customs and then the drug sniffing dog won’t stop sniffing you because you smell terrible and the customs agents make you open your luggage and let the dog go through all your clothes to make sure you don’t have any drugs. Edit: Just kidding! It’s a drug sniffing dog! Also, any of the other things people suggested.
What’s better than snoop dogg hosting a party? Two snoop doggs hosting a party.
Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids? Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she sucked at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, That . After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn’t know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90’s kids will remember that.
Two police officers and their dog are walking down the street Two police officers and their dog are walking down the street. One of the officers turns to the other and asks, Hey partner, how many penises does Buster have? Why, one of course replies the other cop. I’m not so sure about that, let’s just check says the first policeman. So they look down and sure enough they see only one penis. That’s strange says the first cop, this guy at the bar said ‘Here goes that dog again with two dicks’
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist insomniac? He was up all night wondering if there was a dog
An English man, an Irish man and a Scotsman are running from the Nazis… They run into an abandoned warehouse and see three barrels so they jump in them to hide. The Nazis search the warehouse and see the barrels. One of them kicks the first one and the English man shouts out Woof woof! So it must just be a dog. They then kick the second one and the Scotsman shouts out Meaw meaw! So it must just be a cat. Then they kick the last one and the Irish man shouts out Potatoes potatoes!
Which animal that death fears of? Dog. Because dogs like bones.
A young Indian boy walks into the medicine mans teepee The Indian boy asks, Medicine man, just how do you go about giving us our names? Well that’s very simple he says. For instance, when your brother was born, the first thing I did was look outside the teepee and I saw a deer running by in the forest, so I named him Running Deer. Then when your cousin was born, the first thing I did was look outside the teepee and I saw a bear splashing in the nearby stream, so I named him Splashing Bear. But Two Dogs Fucking , why do you ask?
A man is walking in Central Park Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl . The man says, But I am not a New Yorker! Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl’ the policeman replied. But I am not even an American! Says the man. Oh, what are you then? The policeman asks. The man replies, I am a Saudi! The next day the newspapers says: Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
A man dies and goes to Hell… A man dies an then goes to hell, once he gets down there, the Devil welcomes him, the Devil said, Welcome to Hell! As you can see, there are three doors to the left, open them up, you may choose your fate for the rest of eternity. The man opens up the first door, and as far as the eye can see, there are people standing on their heads on wooden planks, the man closes it and says, Oh my, that must be a terrible way to spend eternity! The man then decides to open up the second door, and as far as the eye can see, people standing on their heads, but this time, on concrete, the man then says, I can’t do this!!! He then proceeds to open up the third door, and, as far as the eye can see, people standing normally drinking some coffee while knee deep in dog shit. The man pauses in relief and asks the Devil, Can I choose the third door!? The Devil says, Yeah, sure, go ahead! The man then starts walking knee deep in dog shit, grabs a coffee, and starts talking with the other guys. Then, 5 minutes later, the Devil then comes in and says, Alright you sons of bitches, break time is over get back on your heads!
A dog, a cat and a penis are sitting around a campfire The dog turns to the others and says my life sucks, my owner keeps me on a leash when he takes me out, I have to pee and poop on the floor and he feeds me the same bland food everyday! The cat replies, you think that’s bad? I can’t leave the house, I have to pee and poop in a box that nobody cleans for weeks at a time and I only eat this nasty wet stuff from a can. The cat and dog go back and forth arguing about whose life is worse when finally the penis speaks up and says, you guy think your lives are bad? My owner wraps a bag over my head and makes me do push ups until I throw up.
At the supermarket Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
Just some jokes I found. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all. Doctor: I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?! Doctor: Nine. A man asks a farmer near a field, Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train. The farmer says, Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? – Snowballs. Mother, How was school today, Patrick? Patrick, It was really great mum! Today we made explosives! Mother, Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow? Patrick, What school?
Korean meatballs. Korean meatballs really are the dog’s bollocks.
So I ask my local librarian… If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
I went to an airport the other day. As I was about to catch a plane, I thought My dog would be proud.
Scientist interesting experiment on dog.. Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog. For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog’s legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn’t able to walk with only one leg. As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it’s hearing after having three legs cut off.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this… A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before . So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly mmm…that was some good lion meat! . The lion abruptly stops and says woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can . Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily get on my back, we’ll get him together . So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…
I’ll put the mourn in good morning Sorry, that was a bad way of saying I killed your dog
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
The Horse Lover A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. I’m in love with my horse, he said . But that’s nothing, replied the shrink. A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much. Ah, but doctor, the patient replied. It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse. Ahhh! exclaimed the doc. What kind of a horse is it? Male or female? Female, of course, said the dude. What do you think I am, a fäggøt??!
Triplets A lady pregnant with triplets, went to the bank to deposit a check, while depositing the check a man came into the bank and robbed it. During the robbery he shot the pregnant lady three times in the stomach. After consulting with the doctors they told her that the kids were alright and in 15 years they will piss out the bullet. The lady has two daughters and a son, 15 years pass by. The first daughter comes up to the mom and says Mom I pissed out a bullet. So the mom explains the story, the second daughter comes up and the same thing happens again. Finally the son comes up and the mom asks What did you piss out a bullet? To which the son replies No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog .
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde… A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are being chased by a serial killer, they run into a barn and hide in three sacks of potatoes. The killer walks up to the first bag and shakes it. Meow meow goes the brunette. Just a dumb cat. The killer thinks out loud. He goes to the second bag and shakes it. Arf arf goes the redhead. Just a dumb dog. Says the killer. He goes to the third bag and shakes it. Potato potato! Yells the blonde.
The neighbor’s dog always made Johnny wake up at night… All the barking made having a good night’s rest difficult. It came to a point that having little sleep affected his performance at work. Once he was caught by his boss drooling on the keyboard. Johnny went to the doctor and explained his situation. Here’s some sleeping pills. That ought to solve your problem. said the doctor. A couple of days passed and Johnny returned to the doctor. The sleeping pills work alright, but is there any other way? asked Johnny. What exactly do you mean? Well, it’s always a struggle at night, I get scratched every once in a while. It’s not easy forcing those pills into that damn dog’s mouth.
