Dealing with a Barking Dog Dealing with a Barking Dog A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbou r’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, I’ve had enough of this. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, The dog’s barking is louder now, what have you been doing? The blonde says, I put the dog in our backyard… let’s see how THEY like all the barking!
A broke but horny sailor is on shore leave from the navy… so he finds the nearest brothel, goes up to the counter and says I’ve only got $20$, what can I get for that? The old woman behind the counter says Down the corridor, second door on the right. . So he gives her the money, goes down the corridor and into the second door on the right. There on the table is a chicken, clucking away. So he thinks, ‘fuck it, I’ve paid my money’ and goes and fucks the chicken. Next week, he’s even more broke, and even hornier than last time so he goes back to the brothel and asks the woman at the counter I’ve not got much but what can I get for $5 dollars? Down the corridor, past the two doors on your right, up the stairs to the right and first door on your right. She says. So he goes down the corridor, past the two doors on his right, up the stairs and into the first door on the right. Inside he sees 5 guys all crouched around something on the floor, wanking themselves off. He goes over and asks on of the guys, What are you all looking at? The guy turns to him and shows him a hole in the floorboards. Through it he can see two gorgeous blonde lesbians going at it in the room below. Wow, this is great! And I only paid $5! . The other guy looks at him and says Well you should have been here last week, there was a bloke fucking a chicken! .
A pimp walks into a bar and he sees this gorgeous blond standing there right in front of him, and he shoots her, right in the middle of the forehead, accurate as you like, and she drops down dead. The gunshot causes a commotion and everybody is scrambling for the exit screaming, including this stunning brunette. The pimp spots her and shoots her right in the back of the head, accurate as you like, and she drops down, dead. He then sees an ugly redhead scrambling for the exit and takes aim, but completely misses her. The police arrive seconds later and arrest the pimp. As the police are carrying him out to the police car, the redhead runs over to him and asks, How come you missed me? The pimp replies, Well, I’m only used to smoking hot chicks.
So this blonde gets pulled over for speeding… by a blonde police officer. The officer asks the driver for her license. The blonde fumbles around until she finds her compact and opens it up. She sees her reflection and says here is my license officer . The blonde police officer takes one look at it and says If I would have known you were an officer I never would have pulled you over
A businessman goes to the doctor about an intimate problem… NSFW Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, he says. That’s OK, says the doctor. Take your time and start at the beginning. The businessman takes a deep breath, and begins. I think it’s my lifestyle he says. You see, every morning I get woken up by my maid. She’s a gorgeous blonde, and we have passionate sex. Then I get chauffeured to the office. My driver is a stunning brunette and we always park up on the way to make love on the back seat. Then I get to the office, and I have sex with my secretary, who’s a beautiful redhead. During the day I often have my way with a couple of the female staff members. Then I have my secretary again before I leave, my driver in the car on the way back and make love to my maid before bed time. Blimey! Exclaims the doctor. You must be the luckiest man alive. What could possibly be the problem? Well, says the businessman. It hurts when I wank.
What is the only thing on earth that goes ha ha on a Monday? A bit late, but…. A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
What’s hitler’s favorite yu-gi-oh card? Blue eyes blond dragon.
Why not to park with a blonde Guy’s parked with a blonde, doin’ great, says, Hey – wanna go to to the back seat? She lifts her head long enough to say No, so he lets it go. (Repeat three more times). Guy exasperated – I don’t get it honey. Why don’t you want to go to the backseat? Blonde – I wanna stay up here with you!
2 men and a blonde are arrested by the secret police for treason During the interrogation, the interrogator brings them into a room and hooks each of them to a lie detecting machine, claiming that they would be vaporised if they told a lie. He then turns to the first man and asks a question. Why did you perform such an act? I was only thinking about what was best for the country. The lie detector remains silent and the interrogator proceeds to ask the next man another question. Do you have any other accomplices? I think there are about 4-5 other people who are a part of this. The lie detector once again remained silent. Finally he turned to the blonde. How long have you people been working together? I think- The blonde disappears.
A blind man walks into a bar… The blind man sits down, thinking he’d break the ice with the bartender by asking Wanna hear a blond joke? In a hushed voice, a man beside him says Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I’m a 6’4 black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6’2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6’6, and he’s a wrestler. We’re ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke? The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied No, not if I have to explain it five times.
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, No , and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, No , and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ”TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, No , and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”’
A blonde and a lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
logician joke (hard to get) 3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh, ‘Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you’re all cute, but you’re not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?’ The first logician says: ‘I don’t know – maybe?’ and looks at the other two. The second logician says, ‘I don’t know – maybe?’ and looks at the third one. The third logician says, ‘Well, looks like we are!’ and orders four beers.
A BLONDE’S BRAIN Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
Pair of Twins I’ve been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me How do you tell the difference? . I told him It’s easy! Julie has long blonde hair… ..and Derek has a moustache
ADDING BLONDE Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn’t find the 10 key.
Blonde guy’s football tryout The coach is holding open tryouts for the football team when this tall handsome blond kid walks up to him. I want to tryout for quarterback! The blonde says to the coach. You have any experience playing quarterback? The coach asks. No sir , is the blonde ‘s reply. The coach rolls his eyes, but he is a big athletic looking guy. The coach reaches down and picks up a football. Son, do you think you could pass this football? He asks him The blondes eyes get huge, Hell coach! I’m not even sure if I could swallow it!
so many poor jokes, where to begin? A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says ‘I was on top, so I’m going to have a bay’, the redhead responds with ‘I was on the bottom, so I’m going to have a girl’, at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? ‘I’m going to have puppies!’
Two blondes Two blondes standing either side of a river, the first blonde shouts to the other How do you get to the other side? the other replies You’re on the other side, stupid!
A blond and a brunette jump off a building… The brunette wakes up in heaven but the blonde is no where in sight. About an hour later the blonde finally shows up. What took you so long? the brunette asks. The blonde simply replied oh, I had to stop and ask for directions. This joke may be several decades late…
Two blondes…. …. had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying Disney World Left! After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said Oh well! and started driving back home.
A blonde walks into a restaurant A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”
guy driving in a car with a blonde. A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…
A blonde is dying A blonde lady walks into her Dr’s office and says ‘oh Doctor, I’m dying, I’m dying. The Dr says ‘oh my, what’s the problem?’ She taps her forehead and says ‘it hurts here’. She taps her neck and says ‘it hurts here’, she taps her chest and says ‘it hurts here’, she taps her stomach and says ‘it hurts here’. ‘I hurt everywhere Dr, I’m dying’. The doctor exams her and says ‘lady, you’ve got a broken finger!’.
Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn’t want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging. After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper replied, Good luck! Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one! Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up. Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, Ugh! This one isn’t wearing shoes either!!
A blond and a brunette jump off the empire state building… Who lands first? The brunette. The blond had to stop and ask for directions.
A blonde was walking by a field… And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust. The blonde walking called out, Hey! What are you doing?! The other blonde replied, I’m trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me? The blonde walking retorted, Well, I would but I can’t swim.
Two Mexicans riding a bicycle Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies Mexican eggs. The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it… two have hatched and they’ve already stolen a bicycle.
An old blind man walks into a bar… He sits down and begins to speak: How many Blondes does it take- A burly blonde woman nearby interrupts him Excuse me! I’ll have you know that I’m a blonde wrestler and I’m sitting here with a weightlifter, a black belt and a professional boxer who are also blonde. Are you sure you want to finish that joke? The old man paused for a moment. I better not. The women relaxed. I don’t want to have to repeat it 3 times over
A blonde gets on an airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.
If Rand Paul ran for president and put Scott Walker on his ticket as running mate, their campaign would be Paul Walker 2016 A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.
A funny thing happed at the cloning lab A blonde geneticist was working on human cloning in her lab and had created a cloning machine. Finally she was ready and decided that her first clone would be of herself. She collected a sample of her DNA and made and exact clone. The clone was exact in every detail, except the hair color. Somehow she had created a brunette clone, so she discarded it. After several more attempts, each with the same result, she was extremely dismayed. She sedated the clone and spent hours checking and rechecking her work. While she was doing this, her latest clone became conscious and decided to discard the original. Grabbing a scalpel, the brunette clone attacked her creator with a scalpel and said, I guess all that blonde hair dye did effect your brain because you were born brunette, just like me.
Blonde with a twist Q: What do you get when you combine a blonde woman with a physicist? A: Marie Curie
BLONDE BICYCLE Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike? A: It was going too fast for her to get on.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral? The woman says, Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce. The banker, stunned, asks, A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really? The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000? The woman replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
An old blind cowboy… An old blind cowboy accidentally walks into an all female biker bar. He takes a seat at the bar, and blurts out, Who here wants to hear a dumb-blonde joke? The whole bar goes quiet for a moment, then the biker next to him says, Before you tell that joke, cowboy, there’s three things you ought to know. 1. The bouncer is blonde, is 6’5 and has a billy club. 2. The bartender is blonde too, and she has a baseball bat. And 3. I’m a blonde, professional weight lifter and wrestler. So tell me cowboy, you still wanna tell that joke? The old blind cowboy, looking disappointed, shakes his head and says, Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times…
Laugh jokes I know a lady who blew her man’s jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P. GEORGE WILLBORN . CAUGHT UP IN TROUBLE It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I’m trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright? JAMES HANNAH !SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T DO I think if you go to jail for something you didn’t do, you should get credit towards another crime. LAW SCHOOL FOR NUNS What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law. SINGLED-CELLED LAWYER What’s the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba? One wears a tie. CORPORATE BOOTY CALL… MAIL SLOT I may have dropped something; I need to feel around in your mail slot. BLONDE’S STARTING SALARY A boss tells a blonde applicant, I’ll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I’ll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start? She replies, In three months. MICROSOFT AND A HALTER TOP What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support! BURRIED 10 FEET UNDER Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground? Because deep down, they’re really not that bad! LAWYERS STINKIN’ UP THE PLACE Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer’s funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.
BLONDE DRIVER Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? A: Her blinker was on.
George stops at red light… A beautiful blonde stops just beside him. George pull down his window. She also pull down her window. George smiles and asks with a grin on his face you also farted?
Flight to New York On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, Why didn’t anyone just say so? Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.
The blind man and the blondes (An old one…) A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he gets it he calls out, Who wants to hear the funniest dumb blonde joke in the world? A voice down the bar calls back, Listen sir, before you say any more, I can see you are blind, so I’m just gonna warn you that the bartender is a blonde and 200lbs. The person to your left is a blonde and a construction worker. The couple behind you are blondes and professional MMA fighters and I’m a blonde, an off duty police officer and I’ve had a bad day. The blind man frowns. Takes a sip of his beer. Finally says, Never mind. I ain’t explaining it five times.
Just one look at any Smurf’s balls and you can tell he’s horny as hell. (An old one…) A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he gets it he calls out, Who wants to hear the funniest dumb blonde joke in the world? A voice down the bar calls back, Listen sir, before you say any more, I can see you are blind, so I’m just gonna warn you that the bartender is a blonde and 200lbs. The person to your left is a blonde and a construction worker. The couple behind you are blondes and professional MMA fighters and I’m a blonde, an off duty police officer and I’ve had a bad day. The blind man frowns. Takes a sip of his beer. Finally says, Never mind. I ain’t explaining it five times.
BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
A BLONDE’S SPECIAL PICTURE Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
Technically When is a computer like a blonde? When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.
Freudian slip… Two friends are on a train. One turns to the other and says Yesterday, when I was getting a train ticket, I saw that busty blonde ringing up the guy ahead of me. She was so hot, I got up to the counter and I asked her for 2 pickets to tittsburgh! Bob turns to his friend and says I know just what you mean. This morning, I was leaving for work and I went to tell my wife ‘I love you, have a great day.’ Instead, I said ‘Bitch, you ruined my fuckin life!’
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaped prison. Three women managed to escape from prison. They were being chased down by the police. As they were running for their lives they came across an old barn. The women all agreed to hide in the barn so they decided to hide in burlap sacks that were laying on the ground inside the barn. Few minutes went by and a police officer went inside the barn to see if they were hiding in there. The police officers saw the three lumpy burlap sacks on the ground and decided to kick the sacks to see if the women are hiding in them. The police officer kicked the first sack with the redhead in it, she cried out woof woof. The officer thought to himself oh, it’s just a dog. After that he kicked the second sack with the brunette in it, she cried out meow. The officer thought to himself, okay, it’s just a cat. Then finally the officer went to the sack with the blonde in it and kicked it, she cried out potatoes!
Two blondes were driving in a car They observed another blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a grassy field. They first blonde turned to the second and said it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name . Yeah said the second blonde, and if I could swim, I’d go out there and drown her
An Aussie and his pet crocodile An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and announced, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth And I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer, I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, I’ll try it – Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!
A blonde, brunette, and redhead get together for lunch in NYC. Three long-time friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get together over lunch at a New York City deli. Since they haven’t seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the redhead So you went to Alaska last month, right? What did you while you were there? The redhead replies Iditarod . Surprised, the blonde looks up from her menu, and says Why’d you go all the way to Alaska just for that? Yankee stadium is right over there.
