Why is your cat at school? The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
THE ROOSTER ALSO CALLED A COCK LOVES THE KITTY WET THE CAT FALLS INTO A BUCKET OF WATER THE ROOSTER LAUGHS THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS A COCK LIKES A WET PUSSY.
sick jokes 1. whats 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? crib death 2. where do you find dogs with no legs? right where you left it 3. what drips blood and goes MEOWWWWWWWW? half a cat 4. why do women wear makeup and perfume? cause they’re ugly and they stink 5. how do you get a goth out of a tree? cut the rope 6. whats red and orange and looks good on hippies? fire 7. why is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys in your car? the problem goes away with an aid of a coathanger 8. whats the best part about raping a 5 year old? watching him break down on the witness stand 9. why did the feminist cross the road? ** **** ** **** (comment if to know answer) 10. how do you make a baby cry twice? fuck him in the ass and wipe your bloody dick on his sister 11. whats the difference between acne and a pedophile? acne does not come on your face till your tweleve 12. why do women have small feet? so they can stand nearer to the kitchen counter 13. whats the worst part about raping a 5 year old? killing him after 14. what does a tight rope walker and a young lad getting a blowjob from his grandma have in common? neither look down 15. whats the difference between minstro blood and sand? you cant gurgle sand 16. why do tampons have strings? so you can floss after eating 17. why is the bible like a dick? it gets shoved down your throat by a priest 18. whats the difference between jelly and jam? i dont jelly my dick up my girlfriends ass 19. how do you stop a nigger from jumping on the bed? put velcro on the celling 20. whats blue and hates sex? the 8 year old in my closet
A Redditor walks into a bar.. and approaches a dime sitting alone. He taps her on the shoulder, opens his mouth to speak, and then promptly shuffles away awkwardly to the washroom. When he returns from the back, he orders a drink from the onlooking, all-seeing bartender. Looks like you struck out, fella. Say, what went wrong? Cat got your tongue? Cat-thulu? Naw, he’s still asleep on the couch. I just came in here to fuel a pending advice-animals meme.
Cat Race In a competitive but fun way to decide which nation was better, Britain and France decided to have a cat race. The French cat was called un deux trois, and the British cat called one two three. Whichever cat made it across the British channel first would win and by doing so would crown their nation superior to the other. Well, the race started out fairly slowly, but soon things picked up. One two three cat was very fast and easily made it across the channel first, winning the race. Unfortunately, une deux trois quatre cinq.
Sick Jokes 1. whats 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? crib death 2. where do you find dogs with no legs? right where you left it 3. whats red orange and looks good on dead babies? fire 4. how do you get retards out of trees? wave at them 5. how could a protistute mom tell her daughter was on her period? he could taste the blood from the little boy arcross the streets dick 6. whats the best part about losing your keys to go in your car? its on fire and all the doors are locked and your babys in there 7. whats the difference between a women and a hoover? hoovers suck all the things through 8. how could you tell your friends dead? theres a funeral across the street where you suck childrens dicks 9. how do you stop your cat from meowing? fuck it in the ass 10. why did the baby get ran over? it was his fault playing near the wheels 11. whats the worst part about losing your keys that go in your car? you had to go and pick up the girls from the abortion clinic 12. how do you make a emo cry? cut his dick off 13. why did the jew cross the road? to get away from the nazis 14. how could you tell your friend ate something? you can see he went to the aids bake sale 15. whats that smell? my dick 16. what do you say to a brunette when shes drunk? hey can i suck everything out of your vagina 17. whats the difference between a woman and a blanket? a blanket goes over you to keep you warm 18. why did the woman get embarrassed? cause she was naked 19. why is driving your car like having a piss on your toilet? you have to keep filling up your car if you want to get anywhere 20. how do you stop a cancer boy from talking? wet his lips and stick him to the wall 21. how do you kill a hundred diabetic kids? blow up their van 22. what does a mountian climber and a young lad having a blowjob from his grandma have in common? neither look down 23. whats the difference between a clown and a 6 year old? you can dress up a child as a clown (omgz so violent) 24. why do tampons have strings? so you can floss after eating 25. whats the difference between a woman and a bottle? you put bottles in your mouth and let the water come into your mouth 26. why do women wear makeup and perfume? cause they’re ugly and they stink 27. why is pizza like having a blowjob? you put pizza in your mouth (ew) 28. how do you stop a bitch from jumping on your bed? drag it to the kitchen and keep slaping her 29. whats the difference between nelson mandela and masturbating? nothing (:o omg so sick) 30. why is a teddy like a penis? it gets shooved down a little boys throat by a pedophile 31. why is a blonde like spaghetti? they both squrim when you eat them 32. what is a pornstars favorite food? chicken strips 33. whats the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old? eric clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window 34. do you ever have sex while camping? its fucking intents 35. what do you call a blind dinosaur? doyouthinkhesaurus 36. whats the difference between my gun and my dick? i dont shove my gun down a little girls throat 37. what does bread and autisic children have in common? they both have needs 38. why did tigger go to the toilet? he had to look for pooh 39. why are men like commericals? you cant believe at what they say 40. why are splinters better than women? splinters go away 41. whats the difference between a woman and a bicycle? if you want to get to work you have to keep pumping your bike 42. why arent there black people in history? cause spray paint wasnt invented untill 1949 43. how was racism created? they made black and white tv 44. why are orphans never? invited to barbacues? they dont know how to get there 45. why arent there any mexican santas? cause one only uses their lawnmower 46. why isnt there any black jews? they have to sit at the back of the oven 47. why did the black man cross the road? to get to kfc 48. why do jews have big noses? cause the air is free 49. why do jewish people like to watch hooker movies backwards? they like it when the prostitute gives the money back 50. how many disabled kids can you fit in a car? none they’re in wheelchairs if you have a sick or offensive joke leave it in the comments below
A man’s best friend A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around for about an hour, he hears someone pssst. He turns but doesn’t see anyone except a parrot with a sign that reads, Intelligent Parrot with no legs. $2500.00 . The man walks over and asks, Did you just call me? Yes . Says the parrot. I see you walking around looking for a pet but it seems none meet your standards . The parrot spoke eloquently. May I recommend you purchase me? The man looks at the parrot and after a few moments of contemplation states. I have some questions. Number one, it reads you are an intelligent parrot. How intelligent? Number two, would your intelligence justify the $2500.00 cost? The parrot seems to puff up and replies, I am very intelligent. I have studied Philosophy, Psychology and Finance. I would be a great addition to your household and help you in many ways. In regards to the price, it appears that people are very short sighted and only notice I have no legs. With this being said, I have no doubt that the owners of this establishment would let me go for a song; no pun intended. Make an offer and I have no doubt they will accept. The man nods and asks, Yeah, about that. How is that you are perched on that stick? The parrot sighs and answers, I use my penis. I wrap it around the perch and tighten. Now please, for both our sakes, speak with the owners. The man agrees. After some negotiations, the man takes the parrot home. In no time, they become the best of friends. The parrot helps the man with his problems both mental and financial. The man’s wealth grows and all the while his friendship with the parrot grows as well. After a year of probably the best decision the man had ever made, he comes home one night from work and the parrot tells him they need to speak. It is very serious. Said the parrot. What is it? The man, very worried, sits before the parrot as he had never seen the parrot so melancholy. It is about your wife. Says the parrot. What happened? The man asks, his brow furrowed. This morning, after you left for work, the mailman knocked on the door. Then what happened? The man asks timidly. Your wife answered the door in a negligee. Then what happened? The man asks again, hesitantly. The mailman came in and they began to kiss passionately. Then what happened? The man asks again, his voice cracking. Your wife got on her knees and began to perform oral sex on the mailman. Oh my God. Then what happened? He asked with tears streaming down his face. Then the mailman got on his knees and began to give her oral sex. I cant believe this. Then what happened? He asked almost mechanically through clench teeth. Then the mailman stood up, tore her negligee off and threw her on the couch. I can barely stand any more. Then what happened? He pulled on his hair, the words from his best friend obviously tearing him inside. I don’t know. Shrugs the parrot. What do you mean you don’t know. You were here. You were watching them. The man flung the chair across the room. He stood before the parrot, spitting and shaking his fists. How could you not know? I got a hard on and fell of my perch. OK?
So there’s a fish and hes looking at a fly 6 inches above the water. He thinks, if the fly comes down 6 inches, then I can get the fly. There’s also a bird thinking if the fly comes down 6 inches, the fish will get the fly and I can get the fish. There is also a cat on the shore thinking if the fly comes down 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bird will get the fish, and I can get the bird. The fly comes down 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, the bird gets the fish, but the cat misses and ends up in the water. Whats the moral of the story? If the fly comes down 6 inches, the pussy gets wet.
Child Abuse Jokes 1. what do you call a child with no arms or legs in a van? kidnapped 2. what do you do when your toddler does drugs? fuck him lets watch some tv 3. why did the toddler cross the road? it was chained to a bumper 4. whats the difference between a child and a cat? i cant fuck my cat 5. whats blue, orange and lays at the bottom of a swimming pool? a toddler with burst arm bands 6. what does a child and his grandmother have in common? grandmothers dont die when you fuck her up her ass 7. whats the difference between a child and a couch? i dont jump on my couch 8. whats the difference between shit and a child? i throw shit down my toilet 9. whats the difference between a child and a computer? when i get mad i hit my computer with a baseball bat 10. what does chicken and a child have in common? chicken doesent scream in the oven 11. why did the toddler get abused? cause it played under the lawnmower 12. how do you drown a child? rip his arms and legs off! 13. what did the baby get for his birthday? getting left in a hot car
O.J. Simpson Dies O.J. Simpson dies and went to hell. When he arrived the Devil met him and began the orientation process. The Devil told O.J. that here in hell you get to decide how you want to spend the rest of eternity. They go to the first door and inside is Josef Stalin, he is being burnt alive over and over. The Devil asks O.J. if this is how he wants to spend eternity, O.J. says no. They go to the 2nd door and inside is Hitler. He is being whipped non-stopped by a cat o’ nine tails. O.J. immediately says that this is not how he wants to spend eternity. The go to the 3rd door and inside is Bill Clinton. He is receiving a blowjob. The devil asks O.J. if this is how he wants to spend eternity and he says yes. The devil says fine then, Monica you can leave now.
Little Johnny had a bad day. He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious. Johnny, I saw you just did and you’re in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don’t get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either! Just then, the two of them saw Johnny’s dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says, Shall you tell him, or shall I?
The cat. This is the story of a normal married couple with a cat. The husband was getting sick of having this lazy cat around. All the cat did was scratch up their awesome furniture, cough up hairballs, sit on his face, you know… normal cat shit So one day the husband says ‘screw this im getting rid of this little shit.’ He grabs cat and puts it in his car and drives off, drops him off at a park 5 minutes away. When he gets home the cat is sitting there, on his favorite recliner with a smug look. ‘wtf? how the fuc…’ So now the husband is pissed. He takes the cat and back to the car they go. This time, he drives an extra 10 minutes in hopes the cat would not remember how to get home. While driving home the husband thinks ‘nice, finally got rid of this little bastard.’ To his dismay, when he arrives at home… there it is…. cat on his recliner with a smug look. ‘MOTHERFUC***’ Angry and frustrated the husband makes one last ditch effort to get rid of cat. He hops in his car with car and drives left, he makes a right, he hangs another left, and another right’ 30 minutes into his random drive he drops cat off. ‘good luck u little shit hehe.’ As the husband makes his way home he starts to get weary and confused. ‘where the heck am i?’ He was LOST. He had no idea where he was. So he calls his wife (his phone has no data, he went over his limit and cant access gps) and asks ‘honey is the cat there?’ yeah babe cat is here why?’ put him on the phone please im fking lost and need to get home. –dumb joke i know but i like it– 😀
Things not to say on a first date * I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. * I used to come here all the time with my ex. * Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. * I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. * It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am. * I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.
A man visits a doctor… He complains about chest pains. The doctor nods and asks him to wait. The doctor excuses himself for a moment and returns with a labrador. The dog sniffs the man, licks him and is the taken away by the doctor. The doctor now returns with a cat , it licks the man and scratches him with its paws. Its then taken away. The man is now confused. Meanwhile the doctor returns. And says That would $500. The man was now furious and said But for what I have only been here for a few minutes and you haven’t even checked me up , all you did was fool around with a cat and a dog . To which the doctor replies But sir its for the LAB test and the CAT scan.
My Favorite Joke (Sorry Cat Lovers) How do you make a cat go Woof? Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire place!
A zoophil, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a sadomasochist were gathered at a party A zoophil, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a sadomasochist were gathered at a party. After a while they started to get bored, and the zoophile suggested they go out to find a cat they could rape. The killer was enthusiastic and suggested they kill it afterwards. The necrophilic was happy and wanted to sleep with it after it was dead. The pyromaniac looks at the others with wide eyes and suggest they burn it afterwards. Everyone looks at the sadomasochist and asks him: So what do you have to contribute to this conversation? The sadomasochist: Mjaaauuu …
A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, yep, he is dead, that will $535. The man was outraged and asked Why it is so much? , the vetanarian replied, $35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.
Broccoli joke So a woman walks into a grocery store and asks do you have any broccoli no says the guy stocking shelves. So the woman leaves. So the woman came back the next day and asked the same question, again the guy said no. So again the woman came back and asked again, so the guy finally said can you spell cat as in catostophe so she spells c-a-t. And can you spell dog as in dogborne? So she says d-o-g. Now can you spell freak as in broccoli? Then the woman says there is no freak in broccoli, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!
A man walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich and a cat… …he walks to the bar, the ostrich as well, the cat jumps up onto a stool. He asks the bartender, Can I get a pint of Guinness? , the ostrich speaks up, says I’ll have one too , the cat says me too, but i’m not paying . Bartender says that’ll be $18.90. The man reaches into his pocket, passes a handful of notes and coins over. The bartender notices it’s the exact change. So what exactly is going on here? , he asks. The man says well, I was down on the beach, and I found an old lamp. I picked it up, and a genie appeared! said I could have three wishes. I said, I wish that my right pants pocket would always carry exactly how much money I need . The bartender is visibly impressed! That’s pure genius , he remarked, I know guys would wish for a simple million or a Ferrari or whatever, but shit, you’re set for life! What else did you wish for? The man shrugs and replies, a chick with long legs and a tight pussy..
Oh little Timmy.. The teacher asks Timmy: Why is your cat at school today? Timmy says, crying: Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.’ So I’m saving him!
Discipline is important A wife calls her husband into their son’s room. She says, Look what I found under Johnny’s bed! as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat o’ nine tails of every size, color, and material. What are we going to do with him? she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, Whatever we do we shouldn’t spank him.
The Head Teacher Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let’s call him… Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school’s inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils. Recently he had accepted a job at the largest, most run down, violent school in the area. It was full of underprivileged children who were taking their poor upbringings and cynical views on the world to school every morning. No staff wanted to be there, no pupil felt safe there. Bullying, drugs, it truly was a mess. However, over time, Mr Johnson began to work his patented magic. Within a year the school’s fortunes were turning around. Bad behaviour was dropping, students were learning to believe in themselves, staff were actually enjoying teaching these students who were all becoming willing learners. Violence stopped, the drugs supply stopped, bullying stopped, students were actually happy. As time passed, the school began to churn out successful alumni. Lots went on to college thanks to the ambitions installed in them by one understanding, knowledgeable headmaster. Students when asked about Mr Johnson would often describe him as a friend, but also an interesting teacher who they wanted to listen to every time he spoke. The schools facilities were upgraded to become state of the art thanks to Mr Johnson’s financial control, and parents began fighting over getting their children accepted in to it when they were old enough to go rather then fighting to stop it! But one day as Mr Johnson was strolling down the corridors exchanging pleasantries with students and staff he was accosted by a tearful young boy named little Timmy. Timmy Announced: Mister Johnson! My Dad is always angry at my Mum. He says she can never do anything right. He says she is a worthless wife and she could never satisfy him, he says he should cheated on her or leave her! Oh dear… replied Mr Johnson. I’m so sorry to hear that Timmy, but in domestic affairs like this I have no control. Unless your parents are violent or bad towards you, I can do nothing but offer you my emotional support Right… Timmy sniffed. And with that, he was gone. Mr Johnson didn’t hear from Timmy again, he noticed the boy was sad, but on close inspection he couldn’t see any signs of abuse. What could he do unless the parents came to him? Mr Johnson had an idea. A few weeks passed and it was parent’s evening at the school, where parents come in to meet the teachers. Mr Johnson had organised it and it was going really well. He had arranged to meet Timmy’s parents so he had an excuse to fix things. But to his dismay, things had escalated before he got the chance – As he passed through the main school hall were teachers, parents and their children were all happily conversing a loud scream echoed down the hall – it was Timmy’s Dad. Timmy’s Dad was causing an enormous scene, shouting at Timmm’s Mum. *You are worthless! You can’t do anything right! You can’t satisfy me! I should CHEAT on you or LEAVE you*!! It even looked like Timmy’s Dad may be threatening to throw a punch. Timmy’s mother was just standing cowering there in tears, as was poor little Timmy. Mr Johnson rushed up to them and proclaimed YOU TWO! Come with me! Now! The crowd which had formed watched the three walk off into a nearby walk-in cloakroom, leaving Timmy standing in the main hall. One parent went to comfort the boy. Everything fell silent, then a few minutes passed and some of the crowd began to dissipate. All of a sudden Mr Johnson and Timmy’s parents emerged from the cloakroom. Timmy’s Dad was wearing a wide, ear to ear smile like the cat that got the cream. His wife was tucked under his arm beaming with shy, cheeky, happiness at the floor. Come on Timmy, we’re leaving! Announced his father triumphantly, and off they went. The parent who had been looking after Timmy when they were gone picked up her jaw from the floor, turned to Mr Johnson in amazement and asked: Wait, he said she was worthless; she couldn’t do anything right; she couldn’t satisfy him; he should *cheat* on her or *LEAVE* her!! How on earth did you fix *that*?! Mr Johnson coolly replied: I’m just a really great head-teacher
So, a byslexic guy walks into a dar… Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let’s call him… Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school’s inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils. Recently he had accepted a job at the largest, most run down, violent school in the area. It was full of underprivileged children who were taking their poor upbringings and cynical views on the world to school every morning. No staff wanted to be there, no pupil felt safe there. Bullying, drugs, it truly was a mess. However, over time, Mr Johnson began to work his patented magic. Within a year the school’s fortunes were turning around. Bad behaviour was dropping, students were learning to believe in themselves, staff were actually enjoying teaching these students who were all becoming willing learners. Violence stopped, the drugs supply stopped, bullying stopped, students were actually happy. As time passed, the school began to churn out successful alumni. Lots went on to college thanks to the ambitions installed in them by one understanding, knowledgeable headmaster. Students when asked about Mr Johnson would often describe him as a friend, but also an interesting teacher who they wanted to listen to every time he spoke. The schools facilities were upgraded to become state of the art thanks to Mr Johnson’s financial control, and parents began fighting over getting their children accepted in to it when they were old enough to go rather then fighting to stop it! But one day as Mr Johnson was strolling down the corridors exchanging pleasantries with students and staff he was accosted by a tearful young boy named little Timmy. Timmy Announced: Mister Johnson! My Dad is always angry at my Mum. He says she can never do anything right. He says she is a worthless wife and she could never satisfy him, he says he should cheated on her or leave her! Oh dear… replied Mr Johnson. I’m so sorry to hear that Timmy, but in domestic affairs like this I have no control. Unless your parents are violent or bad towards you, I can do nothing but offer you my emotional support Right… Timmy sniffed. And with that, he was gone. Mr Johnson didn’t hear from Timmy again, he noticed the boy was sad, but on close inspection he couldn’t see any signs of abuse. What could he do unless the parents came to him? Mr Johnson had an idea. A few weeks passed and it was parent’s evening at the school, where parents come in to meet the teachers. Mr Johnson had organised it and it was going really well. He had arranged to meet Timmy’s parents so he had an excuse to fix things. But to his dismay, things had escalated before he got the chance – As he passed through the main school hall were teachers, parents and their children were all happily conversing a loud scream echoed down the hall – it was Timmy’s Dad. Timmy’s Dad was causing an enormous scene, shouting at Timmm’s Mum. *You are worthless! You can’t do anything right! You can’t satisfy me! I should CHEAT on you or LEAVE you*!! It even looked like Timmy’s Dad may be threatening to throw a punch. Timmy’s mother was just standing cowering there in tears, as was poor little Timmy. Mr Johnson rushed up to them and proclaimed YOU TWO! Come with me! Now! The crowd which had formed watched the three walk off into a nearby walk-in cloakroom, leaving Timmy standing in the main hall. One parent went to comfort the boy. Everything fell silent, then a few minutes passed and some of the crowd began to dissipate. All of a sudden Mr Johnson and Timmy’s parents emerged from the cloakroom. Timmy’s Dad was wearing a wide, ear to ear smile like the cat that got the cream. His wife was tucked under his arm beaming with shy, cheeky, happiness at the floor. Come on Timmy, we’re leaving! Announced his father triumphantly, and off they went. The parent who had been looking after Timmy when they were gone picked up her jaw from the floor, turned to Mr Johnson in amazement and asked: Wait, he said she was worthless; she couldn’t do anything right; she couldn’t satisfy him; he should *cheat* on her or *LEAVE* her!! How on earth did you fix *that*?! Mr Johnson coolly replied: I’m just a really great head-teacher
A man goes away for his vacation… A man goes on vacation and leaves his cousin in charge of the house. One day he calls his cousin to ask how everyone is doing…his cousin says that everyone is fine but the cat died. The man clearly upset tells him why did you tell me that! you ruined the rest of my vacation…you should’ve said something like the cat is on the roof! 2 years later he goes on vacation again on when he calls his cousin to know how everyone is doing he tells him everybody is fine but your mom is on the roof!
A little old lady went to the grocery store… A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.  Again, the cashier said, I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog. So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.  The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, No, you might have a snake in there. The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, That smells like shit. The little old lady said, It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper.
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar… The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says What can I get you? The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I’ll take a vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch. The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says This is AMAZING! You’re a dog that can talk… The guy looks at the bartender, and says Don’t be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist.
A blond, a redhead and a brunette rob a bank… The cops are close behind them when they run into a shed. Inside are some empty potato sacks. Quick, the brunette says, hide in there. They all climb into the sacks just as the cops come in. The cop walks up to the sack with the brunette and kicks it. Meow! she says. The cop figures it’s a cat and walks on to the sack with the redhead and kicks that one. Woof, woof! she says. The cop walks on to the third sack with the blond and kicks it. Po-Tay-Toe! she shouts.
Jokes How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
Ruger I used to work at Ruger. Everyone knows it as Ruger, but it’s actually Sturm, Ruger & Co. I don’t know who this Sturm guy is, but he’s obviously getting the short end of the stick. I was lucky in that I live less than 10 minutes from there. Although, to be honest, isn’t it all relative? I mean, if my car breaks down, suddenly I live a lot more than 10 minutes from there. They’re known of course for their firearms, but they also make golf clubs. No matter what you’re buying from Ruger, you’re obviously aiming for a hole in one. You know, even while working there, I had had no clue that they make golf clubs. I think they make them in Arizona, where all the old retired people who have nothing better to do than to play golf are. Genius. You know what else was smart? They put really uncomfortable seats in the cafeteria. Boy, I tell you what, after a few minutes of sitting on them, being on your feet for a few more hours didn’t seem so bad. They had quite a few vending machines, and they had the most diabolical setup I’ve ever seen. They had a machine that every once in a while would spit out an extra Mtn Dew. That machine only took ones and coins, the lying piece of shit. So you had to get change from the change machine…that would almost always shortchange you. You had ONE JOB! I swear, that’s the kind of problem that you would have to specifically program the machine to do. I fell victim to the setup, man. I was playin’ that Coke Machine…yes, it was a Coke Machine that just happened to serve Pepsi products. That’s not part of a joke, that’s just an important bit of information so you know that my story doesn’t have a continuity error. I was playin’ that Coke Machine like it was the slots. Although really, what’s the jackpot? Diabetes? To be fair though, there was a card you could fill out and eventually your supervisor will bring your change to you. Very vague, you just had to have faith that at SOME point, somehow, somewhere, your supervisor would bring your money in some form or another. He brought it to me in an envelope and said Here’s your paycheck. Real funny guy. It wasn’t too bad, though, they let you listen to music. That was nice. Although when Pink Floyd is telling me to breathe in the air, all I can think is, it’s called coolant. Because that’s what you breathe when working on those CNC machines is coolant that smells like a cat piss-soaked couch. Guess how popular I was after work? Shit, who am I kidding, guess how popular I am regardless of work?
Jokes Brother: Did you put the cat out! Sister: Why, was he on fire?
butter cat If, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?
Topical Jokes (1/13) Well, I’m back from a long hiatus but am excited to get back to writing some topical jokes for you all. As always, you can get more here (https://twitter.com/annoyedboyd). Let’s get started! The 71st Golden Globes aired last night to big ratings. Critics agree it was all thanks to a magnificent best drama win for the hip-hop epic 8 Mile: Rick Ross’s Harrowing Struggle to Complete a 13K Diabetes Fun Walk . Even more entertainment news, Mad Men has announced its final season air date. They even teased the series’s big finale where Don Draper makes love to a sexy feral subway cat then comes up with the jingle for Meow Mix. A recent study has confirmed that the human male y-chromosome will not die off in the future despite initial worry. However, the y-chromosome will have a midlife crisis in six years during which it will insist all cell nuclei call it Da Y-Man . In tech news, Facebook announced it will begin to kill its much-loathed news feed ads. Instead, Facebook will just force each user to take monthly drunk selfies with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Over to the political sphere, it seems that many are now doubting Governor Christie’s electability as a presidential candidate. And that’s not just because of Christie’s controversial business ties to Big Canola Oil. In a candid move, President Obama finally let the press photograph his lunch with Biden. The New York Times got a couple good shots of President Obama sharing a laugh with the Vice President while the Wall Street Journal snapped a few adorable pics of Biden with psketti all over his cheeks and bib. Last up, the President has announced he will be considering four NSA reforms. Three are mainly bureaucratic while the last reform is to name the NSA something less intimidating like Obama’s Cuddly Jamboree of Encrypted Email Snooper Poopers . That’s it for now. I certainly hope you enjoyed them and I look forward to getting back into posting!
Have you seen FullMetal Alchemist? The cow says moo . The cat says meow . The dog says ed…ward…ed…ward . Explanation : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbRtoFNqn84
Boudreaux’s dead duck Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux’s office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving. Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said. Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said. Doc, you gotta do something – run some test – do something , Boudreaux demanded. Okay , Doc Robicheaux said. The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out. The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat’ll be 125 dollars . Dat’s a lot just to tell me dat my duck’s dead , Boudreaux protested. Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead – that woulda been 10 dollars. You’re da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
Anyone kinkier than you is a pervert… A newly divorced man was feeling depressed, his wife had left him because he was too kinky in bed for her. He decided to go to the local bar and drink his blues away. While sitting at the bar, he noticed a pretty lady at the other end, also looking sad. He decided to go chat her up a bit. Much to his surprise, she was also newly divorced. Her husband left her because she was too kinky in bed. Thinking it was match made in heaven, they have a few drinks and go back to her house for some kinky sex. When they walk in the door, she tells him to relax, she is going to go slip into something more comfortable. A few minutes goes by, and she comes out dressed up in tight black leather, nipple clamps, ball gag, whips and chains. He has his coat on, and is about to walk out the door. Where are you going, she exclaimed, I thought we were going to have some kinky sex?! Well, he replied, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse…so I guess I’m done.
Kinky A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Jack Daniels. He downs them 1, 2, 3 and asks for three more. Stunned at this, a women sitting at the opposite end of the bar comments ‘woah, slow down there tiger.’ The man looks at her, feels the alcohol taking instant effect and finds her strikingly attractive. ‘Look beautiful, my wife just left me and took everything I had. You know why? She convinced the judge I was a pervert because I did stuff in bed that was disgusting and too kinky.’ The woman looked shocked. ‘That’s incredible. My husband just left me because he couldn’t handle my appetite in the bedroom.’ The man drowns his 6th shot and says ‘what do you say we get out of here and get weird back at your place?’. She agreed and upon arrival at the woman’s apartment, they start making out ferociously. Finally she sets him down on the couch and whispers ‘let me slip into something more comfortable.’ Fifteen minutes later she reappears in doorway dressed in full bondage gear as the man is putting his shoes on to leave. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked him. ‘Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I’m Done.’
Three criminals are in a bar…. When the cops bust in. They all run down to the cellar to hide. They find a pile of potatoes in bags and decide to hide in a few of the empty bags nearby. When the cops come downstairs they see the bags and being the crafty buggers they are decided to check them out. They kicked the bag with the first guy and he yelled woof, woof . The cop then said ah there is only dogs in this one. They then kicked the second bag. meow meow went the criminal. Ah there’s only cats in this one. They then kicked the third bag and the last criminal called out potato, potato Busted
cat problems A girl cat asked her boyfriend cat where her mouse stuffed animal was. He says that was a stuffed animal? I thought it was real so I ate it! She responds: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE MICE THINGS
What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat.
So this guy who works in an aquarium Get summoned by his boss Who is looking very worried. And she says to him, I’ve just walked by the dolphin tank, And they’re feeling very amorous – They’re doing all sort of things to each other. And the trouble is in less than an hour, We’ve got three busloads of second graders coming. We can’t have them watching those naughty dolphins Behaving as if they were in a porno flick. Now there is only thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, And that’s the meat of baby seagulls. So I want you to go down to the seashore, And catch us baby seagulls, Put them in this bag, And hurry on back. But be careful – A lion escaped from the zoo this morning. And although he was heavilly sedated, He still just might be dangerous. O.K., get going, And make it snappy. So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore. He fills the bag with baby seagulls. And he’s walking back to the forest, When he sees lion, And it is lying, across the path, Directly in front of him. It’s too late to run away, And the feline does seem so placid. So summoning up all his courage, He steps across the lion. Nothing happens. And so with much relief, the guy begins to resume his journey When none of the sudden, the policeman steps aside out of the forest. He grabs the guy by the arm, And says to him, You’re under arrest! The guy can’t beleave it. He says, Tell me officer, what’s the charge? And the policeman says, Transporting young gulls across the staid lion for immoral porpoises!
What’s the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it.
A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile, and pyromanic are sitting together.. (nsfw) A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromanic are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. Let’s have sex with a cat? Asked the zoophile. Let’s have sex with a cat and then torture it says the sadist. Let’s have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it shouted the murderer. Let’s have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again said the necrophile. Let’s have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it said the pyromanic. There was silence and then the masochist said: Meow
I had issues with my wireless mouse… …so i got a cable cat and now my problems are solved
Names of Groups A group of crows is called a ‘Murder’ of crows. A group of cats is called a ‘Glaring’ of cats. What do you call a group of Lexus cars? A fortune!
Morals from a Pile of Shit Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end. But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him. ~The Morals to this story? *Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. *Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. *And the most important thing? Well, if you’re warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!
A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator… She says doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it! After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon…. …..As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Your dick. …..As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Random funny shit I think of wigger=a white guy trying to act black obama=a black guy trying to act white I hope when someone is talking to me and I don’t understand,I just stand there hoping it’s not a question Oh you’re scared of earwigs going into your ear?Imaging cockroaches going into your cock I love dogs as much as i love chemistry I love to stand next to chairs as much as i love throwing them I stand next to walls to sometimes and sometimes I lean up against them in case their about to fall My toilet paper thats another story its Charmin too bad its bears i wish they would have put cats on it cuz I love **** the other day i was wondering what would happen if i threw a ball into the sky I burn incense sticks to get rid of the bad energy troll just like mr chizzle in grandmas I love my family without it well I woudnt have a family now would I i like cars because they have 4 wheels except for my friend joey he has only 3 now cuz they robbed his last week My bycicle tire got robbed too so now i feel like we’re brothers i like to drink arizona cuz it makes me feel like im in arizona I love Ice because it melts I hate when people rob my lighter and consensually rape my papes I like chocolate cuz it melts like ice but in YOUR mouth Damn why does Reese witherspoon eat with a fork maybe ill lose my virginity one day I hope it snows that day I love R2D2 from starwars because he is the most vulgar character of all time,they beeped out every single word he said. Why was the band OFFSPRING put together in the summer and not the appropriate season I am russian btw not rushin only when im late to work I like the color blue cause its not red Ps. I GLOW IN THE DARK
Siamese Cat My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I’ve bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.
