Grandpa and Little Billy go fishing… One summer morning, grandpa and little Billy go for a fishing trip. Once they get out on the boat, grandpa reaches into the cooler and grabs a cold Bud. As he cracks his beer Billy asks, Hey Grandpa, do you think I could try a sip of that beer? . Grandpa responds Does your pecker touch your bung hole? , Billy responds Well, no Grandpa, it doesn’t . Then you’re not old enough , Grandpa bristles. After drinking a few of those Budweisers, Grandpa pulls out a big fat stogie. As he’s lighting his cigar, Billy asks Hey Grandpa, do you think I could try a few puffs? , once again Grandpa asks Does your pecker touch your bung hole? Bill once again says No grandpa, it doesn’t . Then you’re not old enough Now it’s been a few hours, and they both pull out the lunch grandma packed for them. After they finish their sandwiches, Billy pulls out a bag of Grandma’s homemade cookies, Grandpa doesn’t have any cookies in his sack. Hey Billy, Grandpa asks Do you think I could have some of those? Billy asks Grandpa, does your pecker touch your bung hole? Grandpa smiles and says It sure does! Little Billy says Then you can go fuck yourself grandpa! You ain’t getting none of my cookies! (I’ve known this joke for years, and this is the first time I’ve ever typed it out or submitted anything to this subreddit…hope it doesn’t suck)
A woman and a man are lying in bed A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, Hi. I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye. She hangs up and the man asks, Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.
Threading the hook… Are those fishermen that are good with their hands, wrangling the worm — called Master Baiters ? Boom-boom
Fishing Trip A Grandpa and his young Grandson go on a fishing trip together, they set up all their equiptment and start fishing. After a while the Grandpa lights up a cigarette and starts smoking away. The Grandson says hey Grandpa! let me have one of those cigarettes. the Grandpa thinks of a way out of it and says can you penis touch your asshole, boy? the boy thinks for a second and forgets abput getting a cigarette. A little while later the Grandpa cracks open a nice cold beer. The Grandson, being a little thirsty asks hey grandpa! can I have one of those beers? The grandpa looks a him shaking his head and says can your penis touch your butthole yet? the oy thinks about it, and in a frustrated voice says he still cant. About an hour after the beer ordeal the boy remembers he has some cookies stashed in his jacket, so he pulls them out and starts muching away on them. The grandpa looks over at the boy eating the cookies and says say boy, what do you say about me getting one of those cookies? . the boy looks up at him with just a couple cookies left and asks well Grandpa, can your penis touch your butthole? the Grandpa chuckles to himself and says of course it can, boy. I’im a grown man! . The boy smiling now, about to pop the last cookie in his mouth looks at his grandpa and says Good! Then you can go fuck yourself!
Gone Fishing. This guy came home from work and said to his wife, I need a vacation. I’m too stressed out. I think I’ll go fishing for the weekend. Okay, she says. I’ll pack for you. So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, Wow, I feel a lot better now! How did I pack? the wife asks. You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas, he replies. No I didn’t, she says. I didn’t have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box.
My little brother told me this joke in 2011 and I still read it to cheer me up! Man walks into a pet shop, goes up to the owner and says Hiya mate, I’m looking to get a pet. The owner says to him Alright, what kind of pet? Well, I want something original. I’ve had hunners of pets, had dogs, had cats, had hamsters, had fish, I’m looking for something different . What about a turtle? No I’ve had 15 turtles! Something original! What about a lizard? Nae a fecking Lizard! I’ve had heaps of lizards I’ve got lizards coming out my fecking ears! Something different, something exciting! What about a monkey, they’re pretty original and exciting. Original?! I’ve had mair monkeys then I’ve had shags! Unless you can offer me something that no one else has got, then I’m walking out this shop! The shopkeeper thought to himself silently, and then said; There is one thing I can offer you. The man was interested. I’m interested he said. First off you have to promise not to tell anyone you got it here. Aye nae bother! Let’s see it! So the shopkeeper took the man to the back of the store. There was a door covered with locks and chains. Slowly the shopkeeper took off each chain and unlocked each lock. He then opened the door and revealed a small room. In a dimly lit corner of the room there was a majestic polar bear, tied up with a chain around it’s neck, breathing heavily as it slept. Brilliant! Exclaimed the man. I don’t care fit the price is, I’m having that polar bear! The man and the shopkeeper did the deal, the man took the polar bear by the rope and started to leave the shop. Then the shopkeeper shouted at him Wait! I almost forgot. There is one thing you must remember. Never, ever touch the polar bear on the nose. God help you if you do. Nae problem! Said the man as he toddled off. Don’t touch him on the nose, easy peasy. So the man walked casually down the street with the polar bear, naebody gave them a second look, people are used to seeing this type of stuff. They waited at the bus stop, when the bus came he argued with the driver that the polar bear should get on for free. Begrudgingly paid for himself and the polar bear, took their seats on the bus, and eventually, got home. The man tied the polar bear up in his kitchen, and stared at the beast in awe. Brilliant, me and this polar bear are gonna have so much fun. We’ll go for walks, we’ll play fetch, we’ll have bathtime. It’ll be great . The man went to his bed that night dreaming of polar bears. When he got up in the morning, he ran downstairs to see if the polar bear was up. He ran into the kitchen but was disappointed to see the polar bear was still fast asleep. He went back often that day, but the polar bear never awoke. I’ll just give him time, maybe he’s tired and needs a rest. The next morning the man awoke and ran to the kitchen. But the bear was still asleep. The next morning, the same thing. The next morning, bear still snoring. Morning after that, bears sitting there reading the morning paper. Next morning, bears asleep. This is useless. What’s the point in having a polar bear if it doesn’t do anything! The man exclaimed. I wonder what the shopkeeper meant would happen if I touched it’s nose … The man pondered. It couldn’t be anything that bad. Slowly, the man approached the bear. The bear was snoring heavily, it’s sharp teeth dripping drool from the side of it’s mouth. The man wiped sweat from his brow as he stood face to face with the beast. Slowly, he reached out his hand, and tapped the bear on the nose. Nothing. No reaction from the bear whatsoever. Fit the fu- Suddenly the bears eyes opened wide. It appeared startled at first, but then saw the man. The bear started to growl, and stood tall, pounding it’s paws of the ground. Awww, shite! said the man as he started to walk towards the door. All of a sudden the chain ripped from the bears neck. He was free to charge at the man. The man turned and ran out of the house, and locked the door behind him. He was sweating with fear, he could hear the polar bear banging on the other side of the door. The man considered his options. He saw his car and decided to jump in and just start driving, he would worry about where he was going later.* *If at this point in the story you’re wondering why, if the man had a car, he took the bus to the pet shop, it’s because parking prices for the city centre are absolutely extortionate. The man turned the ignition on, slammed his foot on the pedal, and the car slammed into his house and destroyed his bathroom. Shite! The man yelled as brown shitey water sprayed from what used to be his toilet all over his car. Left it in fucking reverse! The man changed gears and drove away. As he drove he caught a glimpse of the polar bear drinking the brown shitey water from what used to be the toilet. The man puked a little. He kept driving, considering where he should go. The airport! I’ll get away, stay abroad for a few days, wait for the polar bear to wander off, then it will all be fine. The man began to relax, he had it all worked out in his head. He looked out his rear-view mirror, and his jaw dropped. He saw running on the road, the polar bear, drool coming from it’s mouth. The man sped up but the polar bear kept running, it got faster and faster, closer and closer. The polar bear was in touching distance of the car. The man suddenly slammed on the breaks, as the car ground to a halt the polar bear ran head first into the bumper and fell back. The man laughed as he drove away to the airport, leaving the polar bear on the side of the road. The man got to the airport, ran inside, and looked for the first plane out of the country. There was a flight departing in 20 minutes for Cuba. The man went to the counter, pulled out his credit card, and bought a one way ticket. He went through security, into customs, bought a kit kat, a bottle of Coke, and a Take A Break, and boarded the flight. It’s all going to be okay. The man thought, as he sat at his window seat on the plane. The plane began to take off, and the man decided it would be nice to have a view of the ground. He lifted the window blind (you know the shitey wee plastic things you get on a plane) and was terrified to see, on the wing of the plane, the polar bear, with his face pressed up against the window staring at the man. The man yelped, and pulled the blind back down. How the fuck The man thought to himself. The plane was shaking with the force of taking off. it’ll be fine, there is no way he will survive the whole plane journey out there. The plane evened out, and the man slowly opened the blind again, the polar bear was still there, face pressed up against the window. The man pulled the blind back down again. Ho-lee-crap. The man thought, as he slumped in his seat. There was nothing that he could do but wait it out. He kept checking every 10 minutes or so, but every time the bear was still there at the window, face pressed up against the glass, staring at the man. The man drifted off, and awoke several hours later. He opened the blind but the bear was still there, staring. Jesus! That bear is determined! The man mumbled. He felt his stomach rumble. He looked about for his kit kat but couldn’t see it anywhere. He peered out the window. The polar bear was grinning, as it unwrapped the mans kit kat and slowly ate it, savouring every chocolaty bite. Son of a bitch The man cursed, under his breath. He pulled the blind back down and sighed. He could feel the plane coming in to land. What was he going to do? He decided he would just have to get off the plane as fast as possible and run. As the plane grounded to a stop the man jumped over people, squeezed his way through. He barged past a young couple, then yelled PISS OFF! at an old lady at the front as he knocked her to the ground. He jumped from the plane and started running. He heard the thud of the polar bear as it jumped from the wing and started chasing him. This was it, the man thought. He couldn’t get away from the bear. He couldn’t outrun it. He didn’t even know where he was going. He soon found himself at a dead end. He turned and gulped. The polar bear stood there, towering over the man. It had the look of a hunter in it’s eyes, and drool in it’s mouth. Why the fuck did I have to tap it on the nose! The man thought, as the polar bear slowly approached him, growling under it’s breath. The man felt warm liquid trickle down his leg as he cowered in the corner. The bear stood over the man, sniffed at him. The man started to cry. The polar bear roared. The man felt excrement build in his pants. In one swift movement, the polar bear lifted it’s paw high above the man It brought it’s paw swinging down The paw connected with the mans shoulder, as the polar bear yelled TIG! YOU’RE IT!
A guy walks into a bar.. A guy walks into a bar and sees a big fish tank full of money, $100’s, $50’s, and $20s. There’s a sign on it saying you can win it He goes up to the bartender and says Wow, that’s a hell of a lot of money. How do you win it? The bartender says Well you gotta do three things. You gotta find the biggest, toughest man in the bar and knock him out in one punch. Second, theres a doberman out back, meanest dog you’ve ever seen. He’s got a sore tooth and you gotta pull it out. Last, there’s a whore upstairs, shes been a whore for 30 years and nothing gets her off anymore. You gotta go upstairs and get her off. The guy thinks about this and orders some shots. A few shots in, he looks around and finds the biggest guy in the bar, taps him on the shoulder and knocks him out cold. He goes back to the bar and puts down a few more shots and walks out the back door. Then there’s screaming and growling and barking and all kinds of hell being raised through the door. He comes back in, bloodied, clothes ripped and out of breath and he says Now where’s that old whore with the sore tooth?
A Couple Go on Their Honeymoon A man and his new bride check into a resort lodge in Alaska. The resort manager/park ranger checks them in, tells them to let him know if they need anything, and wishes they congratulations and a happy stay. The first night, while the park ranger is making his rounds, he sees the husband sitting out on the ice on a lake ice fishing. He approaches the man and asks him politely, it’s none of my business, but why aren’t you in the cabin with your new bride… you know, consummating the bond of marriage? The husband replies, Well, to tell you the truth she has gonorrhea. The park ranger says oh, and is a little embarrassed so he speeds off on his snowmobile. The next night, sure enough, the husband is out on the ice and the park ranger approaches him again. You know I’ve been thinking… and you *are* married now… have you considered the ol’ *back door*? The husband replied, Actually, she’s got diarrhea, too. Oh replied the ranger, and he sped off again. The third night, the ranger comes up to the man who he’s sure to find on the ice with a final idea. Listen I know about the gonorrhea, and the diarrhea, but have you at least considered oral!? The man replied, well, she’s got pyorrhea too. The, ranger replied, outraged, What the fuck did you marry this girl for? The husband replied, Well, she’s got worms, and I love to fish!
Hero Pig. So one day a man is driving along in his car, and he gets a flat tire. Now, luckily, he gets the flat right in front of a farm. So he gets out of his car, walks over to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and the farmer steps out. Now, the man starts talking to him about his flat tire, but he can’t help but look over at the fields and see a three-legged pig. So he finishes up telling the farmer about his flat tire and he says: Oh, by the way, how’d that pig over there lose its leg? The farmer says, that pig, over there? Yep. In the fields? Mhm. With three legs? Uh-huh. Why, the farmer announces, that there’s a hero pig! Yessir, that pig saved my life. You see, one day in the winter I was out fishing in the pond, when I fell right through the ice! And that pig comes rushing down the hill, dives right into the freezing water, and drags me out. Saved my life. Wow, the man says, what a brave pig to dive into that water, save your life, and lose a leg in the process! What? says the farmer, no, no, no, that’s not how he lost his leg! Then how’d the pig lose its leg? You mean that old pig? Uh, yeah. That one grazing over there? Yep. The one I just told you about? That’s the one. Why, that pig’s a hero pig, I tell ya! Saved my life! Y’see, one day the chicken coop caught on fire, and that there hero pig bolted in, pulled me out, pulled the chickens out, and by God he saved all the eggs, too. Man, that pig really is a hero, to save you, the chickens, the eggs, and lose a leg while doing so. Pfft, that ain’t how it lost its leg. Then how’d that pig lose its leg? That one? Yeah, yeah. The one with one missing leg? Yeah, that’s the one. The one you’re pointing to? That’s the one. Why, that there pig’s a hero pig! One day two robbers broke into my house and stuck my wife and I up! And just as they were about to pull the trigger to shoot us, by God that pig came barreling in, knocked the gun away, and bit the fiends until they were off the farm! My God, that is a truly brave, noble, and heroic pig, to save you and your wife and get its leg shot off in the process. That ain’t the way it lost its leg! Oh, come on! It dragged you out of a pond, saved you from a fire, chased away your would-be killers, how on Earth did that pig lose its leg? Oh, you mean that pig? Yes, that pig. That one over there? Yup. You sure? Yes, yes. Well, you see, a pig that good, you can’t eat all at once.
Catch some fish… One man appointed a salesman in his retail store. His sales went up 4 times, so one day the owner goes in to inquire about it. He finds a customer interacting with the salesman. So the owner starts observing.. SM was selling a fishing rod to customer. And customer bought it. SM: U cant go fishing in those expensive shoes. Buy some trekking shoes. Customer buys trekking shoes. SM:Its a sunny day, U should wear a cap. So customer buys a cap. SM: While fishing U will get hungry. Buy some snacks too. Customer buys some snacks. This way SM sells many things to this chap. Owner feels proud on the cunning of his SM. Owner: U really are the best SM I have ever seen. He was here for the fishing rod and U sold him bunch of stuff. SM: Sir, he actually came to buy some maxi pads for his wife. I said that what will you do for 4 days. Better go fishing.
We had a power outage today… …and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn’t charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn’t play golf and I couldn’t fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So does the microwave. So popcorn won’t happen. So I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like such a nice person.
It was the end of the sixth day of the Creation and God summoned Adam and Eve. God: Adam, Eve, I have a very important decision for both of you to make. Throughout the day I have created the beasts of the land and have bestowed upon them traits and abilities. I have given flight to the birds, speed to the cheetah, the ability to breathe underwater to the fish of the sea, and so forth. Now I have only two traits left, one for each of you. You get to choose between yourselves which one you will take for your gender. Eve: So what do we have to choose from? God: The first is the ability to pee while standing up and the- Adam: OH OH OH! THAT ONE! I WANT THAT ONE! God: Very well. Adam, you and every man after you will urinate standing up. Eve you get multiple orgasms.
The inexperienced curry taster Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event. Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These char o’s are crazy. Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer. Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac? Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o’s! Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry? Frank: (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Loves fishin’… Two guys are out on the lake doing some fishing an the one guy tells his buddy, I’m so horny, I could fuck mud! His buddy says, What’s wrong? The ol’ lady aint giving it up these days, or what? He says, No, man, I can’t fuck her…she’s got gonorrhea! To which his buddy says, So flip ‘er over and fuck ‘er in the ass! He says, Can’t do that, either…she’s got diarrhea! His buddy says, So skull fuck the bitch! He says, Can’t do that, either…she’s got pyorrhea! His buddy says, What the fuck you doin’ with a bitch like that? He says, Well, she’s got worms, and you know how I love to go fishing!
There were two prawns talking together in the sea… One was called Tom, and the other was called Christian. I hate being a prawn, it’s too dangerous. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have to worry about being eaten. Said Tom, and after he said a school of fish swam past him and with a whoosh, Tom was transformed in to a shark. Christian got scared of Tom and swam home. A week later, Tom was swimming around was felt really bored and depressed. I hate being a shark… It’s so boring and I have no friends… Tom sighed, but after another minute of swimming he found the school of fish that granted his wish a week ago and he swam over to them. Hi, could you pleases grant me another wish? I hate being a shark, I want to be a prawn again. And after a whoosh, Tom was back to being a prawn again. Exited, he swam to his friend’s house, banging on the door. Go away shark! I know you’re there! Was the reply. Hey! Come on and open the door! I’m not a shark anymore! I’m a prawn again Christian!
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.
Bad Lil’ Johnny’s Fishing Trip with His Grandpa… [Explicit] Bad Lil’ Johnny headed out on the water with his Grandpa for a day of fishing. After awhile of fishing, Grandpa got thirsty so he pulled out a beer and began to drink. Bad Lil’ Johnny became curious never having tasted beer before and asked if he could have a sip of Grandpa’s beer. Grandpa replied, I don’t know Son, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? To which Bad Lil’ Johnny sadly replied, No, Grandpa, I cannot. Grandpa responded with, Then No, Son, You are not old enough. Awhile later, Grandpa pulled out a cigar, lit it, and began to puff out a few smoke rings. Bad Lil’ Johnny’s curiosity led him to ask Grandpa for a puff of the cigar. Grandpa simply replied, I don’t know Son, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? To which Bad Lil’ Johnny sadly replied again, No, Grandpa, I cannot. Grandpa responded with, Then No, Son, You are not old enough. Awhile later, Bad Lil’ Johnny began to get hungry, so he pulled out a bag of Oreos that his mom had packed for his fishing trip with Grandpa and began to eat some. Grandpa, now feeling hungry, asked Bad Lil’ Johnny if he could have an Oreo. Bad Lil’ Johnny asked, I don’t know Grandpa, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? to which Grandpa proudly relpied, Yes Son, I sure can! Bad Lil’ Johnny smiled and looked his Grandpa in the eyes and simply said, Good… Then go fuck yourself… these are my Oreos.
What’s the funniest joke you’ve heard that can be told to a 5th grader? I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes? … A FSHHH
A man walks into a fishmongers… …with a carp under his arm. He asks the man behind the counter Do you sell fishcakes? The fishmonger says Why, yes we do . Fantastic! exclaims the man, pointing to the fish under his arm It’s his birthday!
25 Jokes You’re Probably Too Stupid To Understand (& the ones you do understand are awesome) 1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: No, I’m travelling light. 2. Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? 3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: Hello, I’d like a beer. The barman replies: Hello, you’d like a beer? Yes, replies the TCP packet, I’d like a beer. 5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour? The electron goes: Oh great, now I’m lost. 6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: Hell, I forgot to feed the dog! 7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. 8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t. 9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg. 10. The barman says: We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here. A tachyon enters a bar. 11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: Make me one with everything . 12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder. 13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: Can you see me now? The four men answer: Yes. Oui. Si. Ja. 14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem. 16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train? 17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality. 18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not? Gödel replies: We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke. Chomsky says: Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong. 19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: Five beers, please. 20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now. 21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: What’ll it be, boys? The first mathematician: I’ll have one half of a beer. The second mathematician: I’ll have one quarter of a beer. The third mathematician: I’ll have one eight of a beer. The fourth mathematician: I’ll have one sixteenth of a The bartender interrupts: Know your limits, boys as he pours out a single beer. 22. What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot. 23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French caf , revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. The waitress replies: I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk? 24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: Euripides? The professor replies: Yes. Eumenides? 25. A programmer’s wife tells him: Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. Source: http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/2/
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he’ll eat for the rest of his life.
Garden of Eden God was walking through the Garden of Eden, when he saw Adam reclined under a tree. Hey God says Adam. Eve and I just discovered the most amazing thing which we call sex . That’s wonderful replies God. Where is Eve now? Oh, she is cleaning herself up in the river says Adam. Damn , says God I will never get the smell out of those fish
Boy and his grandpa are fishing A grandpa took his grandson fishing. A while in the grandpa takes out a cigar and starts smoking. The little kid asks if he can have one too and the grandpa says, does your wiener touch your butt? To which the kid responds no, then the grandpa says that’s too bad, then no . Later on the grandpa gets out a beer and the kid asks again if he can have some, to which he responds, does your widened touch your butt, no, that’s too bad.. The kid then grabs out some chips ahoy and milk and starts eating them. The grandpa asks can I have some . The little kid says does your wiener touch your butt? The grandpa replies yes, it does . The little kid the says well then you can go fuck yourself .
Ten Thoughts Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2 In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Number 1 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. And the BONUS for today Life is like a jar of jalapenos.What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow .
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. ‘He’s like a fish out of water.’ You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’ No, I mean he’s dead.’
123 kê nã acredite ‘He’s like a fish out of water.’ You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’ No, I mean he’s dead.’
As we all know, God created the world in one day Then he went on to create everything else: the vegetation, the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, the land animals, and, finally, he created the first man, Adam. And he looked over his creation and saw that it was good. Except for Adam. He saw that Adam was lonely, because of all the lifeforms God created, none were good enough to keep Adam company (bestiality wasn’t invented yet). So, God came to Adam and said, Alright Adam, I can give you a deal: I can create a partner for you that you’ll absolutely love. She’ll cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry, and she’ll be beautiful and she’ll give you the best sex you could ever imagine. Adam thinks for a second, then asks, How much is this going to cost me? God says, I’m going to have to be honest with you: it’s going to cost an arm and a leg. So Adam says, What can I get for a rib?
Pantyhose How many animals can you fit in a pantyhose? 10 little piggies 2 calves 1 ass 1 beaver A bunch of hares and.. 1 fish that no one can find.
Chili Cook Off {this TRULY should be a repost, but if not, enjoy…} Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: **Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili** JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. **Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili** JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. **Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili** JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer. **Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic** JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? **Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover** JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! **Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety** JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! **Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili** JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. **Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili** JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Montana Grizzly Bear Notice In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
MacGregor A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation. You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Pier-maker?’ No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you’re seated at? I planed it down with me own achin’ back. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Bar-maker?’ No. No! And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Fence-maker?’ No. No! NO! And he takes a drink of his whisky. But you fook one goat……………..
Charlie the Street Car Conductor Long joke that is passed down in my family So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie’s cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish. After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided Hey I’ll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there. In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. A rotten tomato and a raw fish, he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn’t dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I’ll go there. As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal A rotten tomato and a raw fish, he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city’s eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn’t be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it? Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor.
Dad joke? Dad joke. My father, who is still pretty spry at the age of 73, has been single for about 20 years. On a recent trip to the doctors office he requested a half-dose prescription of Viagra. The doctor asked him, Why only a half-dose, Jack? I wasn’t aware you were seeing anyone. He replied, Oh, it’s nothing like that, Doc. I only need to get it up far enough to pee out of the boat when I’m fishing.
Fishing There is a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot
At the Funeral 3 gay men died and were all cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral at the same time. They started discussing what to do with their lover’s ashes. The first guy says: Gary loved to fly. I’m going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky. The second guy says: Mike was a great fisherman. I’m going to spread his ashes in our favorite lake. The third guy says: I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of 5-alarm chili so he can tear up my ass one more time.
Why Are Firetrucks Red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 men. 4 + 8 = 12 There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas. Fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag. And that’s why they’re red. Cause they’re always *russian* around.
So Ole and Sven go to hell… (from my local newspaper) Ole and Sven are from Minnesota. They die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them ‘Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’ The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, ‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’ Sven replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’ The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, ‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’ They both look at the devil in surprise and say, ‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.’ (Just a Minnesotan twist on a classic!)
You know what we used to call vegetarians? Idiots that couldn’t hunt or fish.
7 more uncommon Russian Jokes #1 A fisherman complains to his friend: – Bloody neighbor! When I go fishing, he goes to my wife. When I stay at home, he checks my fishnets. #2 A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting: – We are not deer! We are not deer! The old hunter notices the hunters, takes aim at them and mumbles: – Shut up, deer! #3 Announcement in the Soviet Union village: Lecture about love (with pictures) . All the countrymen gathered in the village club. Lecturer: Love can be between a man and a woman… Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures! Lecturer: Also love can be between a man and a man… Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures! Lecturer: Besides love can be between a woman and a woman… Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures! Lecturer: And finally there is love for our country, Soviet Union… And now the pictures! #5 Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard: – David! Go home! The son raises his head and cries: – Am I cold? – No. You want to eat! #6 A man to his neighbor: – I can see your naked wife in the bathroom right from my window. Do something about it! – Where? I can’t see anything… – Just climb on the wardrobe and you will see! #7 – Why is your baby screaming so loud? Maybe it wants something… – Yeah! It wants to scream!!! Courtesy: http://www.flowingevents.com/ Any common jokes here?
A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm. do you make fish cakes? Yes we do replies the fishmonger… Great says the man, ït’s his birthday
This blind guy walks into a fish store… This blind guy walks into a fish store He turns to his buddy, wow so many chicks
A man is sick and tired of his busy life in the city So he packs up everything he owns, sells his house, and buys a little place way out in the countryside in the middle of nowhere. He spends a couple of months peacefully on his own; he gets up every morning, catches some fish from the river running near his house, tends to his vegetable garden, and spends the rest of the day reading or taking long walks through the countryside. After almost six months, he’s starting to get a bit lonely and he’s missing the camaraderie and conversation that comes from human contact. But one winter night, as he’s settling down to read in front of the fire, he hears a knock on the door. A farmer is standing there. He says, Hi there, I own the little farmhouse a few hills over. I haven’t bothered introducing myself since I figured you were the sort of guy who enjoyed his privacy. But I’m throwing a party Friday night, and it would be great if you came. The man says, Yeah, I’d love to! It’s been a while since I’ve even talked to anyone, it’d be great to get out for a night. The farmer says, Wonderful, I’ll see you Friday then! Oh, one thing: I moonshine in my spare time, so the liquor is going to be pretty strong and flowing freely, I hope you’re ok with that. The man says, I used to go out drinking quite a bit back when I lived in the city, I can definitely handle my alcohol. The farmer says, Great. Oh, also, we like to get pretty rowdy around here, there’s probably going to be some fighting going down. The man says, Oh, that’s fine. When I was in the army, I was actually my company’s boxing champion, I can handle myself in a fight. The farmer says, That’s good to hear. Last thing, and I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable or anything, but these country parties usually get pretty hot and heavy later in the night, there’s probably going to be a lot of fucking too. The man hesitates, but says, I guess I haven’t gotten jiggy with anyone for a long time, I’m ok with some fucking. By the way, how many people are coming to this party? I notice besides your farmhouse there really aren’t many people around. The farmer says, Oh, it’ll just be the two of us. See you Friday!
two fish two fish swim into a concrete wall one turn to the other and says: Dam
Barack Obama was out jogging one day… When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, I want to go to Disney world! To which Obama replied, not a problem, I’ll even fly you there in Air Force one. The second kid then says, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s! You got it. Said Obama. I’ll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them. Then the third kid says, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset. Obama seemed a bit confused at this. You don’t look like yore handicapped. He said. To which the kid replied, I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.
What’s the difference between a fish and an elephant? (OC) You really can’t tell the difference between a fish and an elephant?
New Mexico Chili Cook-off NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILE # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILE Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.. Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick. Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 — Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILE # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILE # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILE # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILE # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 – No Report.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
Gone fishing A white guy and a black guy go fishing. They both throw their hooks on the water and wait. Suddenly white guy says, I got something, black guy says me too, they both reel in to find out they caught the same fish. Black says is mine, it came out on my side first, no is mine white guy says, my line moved first. In the argument they both come to an agreement, white guy says, ok we will have anal sex, first one to scream loses the fish, and I’ll go first. He starts ramming the black guy ass, but he is bolding the pain and the scream. Eventually time is up and is the black guy’s turn, he takes out his 12 inch cock, and the white guy says, is alright bro, you can keep the fish.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don’t worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One fish says to the other, I don’t know how to drive this thing .
