I was Hungary… so Iran to Turkey
Little Timmy So Little Timmy wakes up on thanksgiving to his parents arguing. His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. Timmy asks what that means, and they say a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy. Later, Timmy goes into his dad’s bathroom and hears SHIT! . He looks inside and sees his dad shaving. His dad had cut himself. Timmy asks what SHIT means and his dad says shaving cream. About an hour before dinner, Timmy walks into the kitchen and sees his mom cutting the turkey. When she cuts herself, she yells Fuck! Timmy asks what THAT means and he says it means cut. When his cousins ring the doorbell, Timmy answers it and says…. Welcome Bitches and Bastards! My dad’s up stairs scraping the shit off his face and my mom’s fucking the turkey!! (To that his Aunt replies, Buisness as usual than? )
Turkey Me: you’re a turkey GF: well, I do like being stuffed
A father shoots a turkey for Thanksgiving… And brings it home for his wife and three sons. The wife does her best to clean the bird, but is afraid she may have missed some of the bird shot. She tells her kids to chew carefully, just in case. The next day the youngest son, age 5, races up to his mother, Mommy I went to the bathroom and peed a BB! She assured him that all was fine and it was probably just from the turkey. A little while later the middle son, age 10, tells his mother he also peed out a BB. She again assured him that it was probably just from the turkey. Soon after that the oldest son, age 15, storages his mother with a concerned expression. She says, Let me guess, you went to the bathroom and peed a BB? No, he says, I just jerked off and shot the dog!
I’m Hungary I’m Russian to the kitchen to czech the fridge There is turkey But it’s covered in Greece There’s Norway I can eat that. Edit:spelling
I was addicted to freezing poultry. I had to go cold turkey.
A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed… she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in
Time flies.. even if turkeys don’t.
How can he lose? How can he lose? Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, The media is really tearing you apart for That Scandal. Hillary: You mean my lying about Benghazi? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: You mean the massive voter fraud? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: You mean the military not getting their votes counted? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: The funding of neoNazis in the Ukraine that led to the toppling of the democratically elected president and to the biggest crisis that country has had since WWII ? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Turning Libya into chaos? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Being the mastermind of the so-called Arab Spring that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa ? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi and go to sleep? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Encouraging and supporting the murders of Palestinians and the destruction of their homes, towns and villages by Israel ? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the moderate terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya? Trump: No the other one: Hillary: The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII Trump: No the other one: Hillary: Leaving Iraq in chaos? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: The DOJ spying on the press? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress? Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet Trump: No, the other one. Hillary: I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office? Trump: THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one!
Young rooster A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: You deserved it, you horny bastard! And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.
A guy dies and goes to Hell. He’s extremely upset upon finding out where he’s going, but Satan says, Hey! Hey! Don’t worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it’s not so bad. For example, do you like to drink? Well, yeah, says the man. Great! You’re going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It’s all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you’re already dead! Wow! Cool! says the fellow, who’s a little bit happier. Do you like to eat? says Satan. Well, of course, says the man. Well, you’re going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There’s a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food – turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, — and let’s not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you’re already dead! Is that ever great! says the man. Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble? says Satan. Well, I’ve been to a few casinos in my time… says the man. Well, you’re going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money! Holy cow! says the man. That’s nothing! Do you like to take drugs? Sure! says the man. Well, you’re going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you’ve ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you’re dead! Wow! says the guy, who’s completely enthused. That’s not the end of it! says the Devil. Are you gay? What? says the man. No, I’m not gay. The devil’s face falls. Well then, you’re not gonna like Fridays.
Monty Python’s parrot sketch 2.0 Somewhere in Turkey near the Syrian border a man enters a pet store where he just bought a turkey and says to the pet store owner My turkey is dyed! That’s it’s natural color responds the owner. No clarifies the man it’s no more alive. No more than you and i. is the pet store owner’s response. Again the man tries to clarify this bird has gone On which the pet shop owner says. No it has not! It’s right here, see?! The man loses his patience takes out a sword and cuts the pet shop owner’s head clean off. He gets arrested and on trail the Judge asks him Did you dyed the pet store owner? Yes your honor, i did. The Judge asks again Is he no more alive? No your honor, he is not. Finally the Judge asks Has the pet store owner gone? Indeed, your honor he has. answers the man. Okey decides the Judge You can go too.
Turkey coup What’s with all of this talk about a Turkey coup? I thought it was called a chicken coup
1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning. 1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
I saw a strange turkey yesterday… I thought turkeys said gobble gobble, not coo coo. The really strange thing is, the next day, the turkey was erdogone…
Timmy : I’m Hungary Timmy : I’m Hungary. Mum : Why don’t you Czech the fridge. Timmy : Ok, I’m Russian to the kitchen. Mum : Hmm…maybe you’ll find some Turkey. Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck ! Mum : There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy : I know, I guess I’ll just have a can of Chile. Mum : Denmark your name on the can. Timmy : Kenya do it for me? Mum : Ok , I’m Ghana do it. Timmy : Thanks, i’m so tired Iran for an hour today. Mum : It Tokyo long enough. Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !
I heard that there was no plane be shot down in Constantinople Because there was no Turkey
What’s more terrified than a turkey caught in a chicken coop. A chicken caught in the Turkey coup.
This joke is only for today in light of the current chaos in Turkey: So as the last flight into Turkey airspace is let in .. … It is an American Airlines flight carrying Americans when a fat one looks at the coup below and goes – Wow, this is so great. There is some sort of festival going on . The one at the back of the seat chimes in: It is going to be a great party .. next one: Party of 2016, yay Turkey . Another tells in Kentucky accent: I did not even research this .. am so damn lucky to get into this festival . And then the flight lands.
I’ve heard of a chicken coop… But turkey coups must be the new thing
So I knew about chicken coops… But I didn’t know they had turkey coups now too
Why did the chicken cross the bridge? To get away from the Turkey coop.
During lunch, what did one Soldier say to the other Soldier? Want some Turkey?
Looks like Erdogan had to quit… …cold Turkey. [](/rimshot)
So I guess it’s going to be ham for Thanksgiving lulz. cause no more Turkey
There is no Turkey in the coop. But there’s a coup in Turkey.
I’ve heard of chicken coops.. .. but never a turkey coup.
A young rooster A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: You deserved it, you horny bastard! And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.
Thanksgiving Dinner Little Johnny lives together with his parents. One day, he heard his parents arguing. You Bitch! You Bastard! Being the curious child he was, Little Johnny asked, Mommy, Daddy, what does ‘Bitch’ and ‘Bastard mean? The parents, not wanting to teach their child bad words, quickly said, It is another way to say ‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Another day, Little Johnny caught their parents having sex. Oh, let me taste your dick… Your pussy too… Once again, little Johnny went up and asked, Mommy, Daddy, what is a ‘Dick’ and ‘Pussy’? Awkwardly, the parents explained, It refers to the coats and accessories. On Thanksgiving day, the father was shaving his beard. He accidentally cut himself while shaving, and exclaimed, Shit! Unfortunately, Little Johnny was around to hear that, and thus, asked his father, Daddy, what does ‘Shit’ mean? His father answered, It refers to the act of shaving one’s beard After a while, Little Johnny saw his mother preparing dinner. Unfortunately, she cut herself while preparing the turkey. Fuck! She exclaimed. What does ‘Fuck’ mean? Little Johnny asked. Quickly, she said, It refers to the act of preparing the turkey. Now the guests arrived, and Little Johnny went to greet them. Wanting to use his new vocabulary, he said, Bitches and Bastards, please put your Pussies and Dicks on the rack over there Appalled, the guests asked, Where’s your father? He’s shitting his beard, he replied casually. Where’s your mother? She’s fucking the turkey.
Timmy and mum are quite punny. Timmy : I’m Hungary,. Mum : Why don’t you Czech the fridge. Timmy : Ok, I’m Russian to the kitchen. Mum : Hmm…maybe you’ll find some Turkey. Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck ! Mum : There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy : I know, I guess I’ll just have a can of Chile. Mum : Denmark your name on the can. Timmy : Kenya do it for me? Mum : Ok , I’m Ghana do it. Timmy : Thanks, i’m so tired Iran for an hour today. Mum : It Tokyo long enough. Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !
Holiday Heavyweights The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. You must have picked up a ton of groceries today, a customer said to the checker. How can you stay so pleasant? We can all count our blessings, the clerk replied. The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.
It was the Fourth of July The department I work in has a lot of people frm Turkey. My job is to fire people. I had to fire Turks.
3 men and their lunch 3 men were sitting eating their lunch… The 1st man had Spag Bol for lunch and yelled out in frustration – Spag Bol! SPAG BOL AGAIN!! I swear if I get Spag Bol for lunch again I will kill myself >( The 2nd man had a Turkey Sandwich for lunch and he yelled out in frustration – Turkey Sandwich! TURKEY SANDWICH AGAIN!! I swear if I get Turkey Sandwich for lunch again I will kill myself >( The 3rd man had Roast Beef for lunch and he also yelled out in frustration – Roast Beef! ROAST BEEF AGAIN!! I swear if I get Roast Beef for lunch again I will kill myself >( Cut to the next day, the 1st man has Spag Bol again so true to his word he kills himself… The 2nd man had a turkey sandwich again so true to his word, he kills himself… The 3rd man, Roast Beef so he also kills himself… A while late the 3 mens wives meet up to discuss things. the 1st mans wife was gobsmacked saying that if he didn’t like Spag Bol he should have told me… The 2nd wife was also gobsmacked saying that if he didn’t like Turkey Sandwich he should have told me… The 3rd wife informs the other two that she doesn’t know what happened because the 3rd man DunDunDunnnnnnn… ALWAYS MADE HIS OWN LUNCH
Three blondes die and go to Heaven. Stop laughing, that’s not the whole joke. They’re standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, Welcome to Heaven. We’ve been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter? The first blonde says, Uh, it’s a holiday where we spend time with our families, and we eat turkey, and we celebrate when the pilgrims came over! Of course, she’s wrong, so boom! She’s in Purgatory. The second blonde says, Well, it’s one of the most important holidays in the faith, and we celebrate when Jesus came, and Santa Claus comes and gives us presents! And of course, she’s also wrong, so boom! She’s in Purgatory. The third blonde says, Easter is an important holiday in the Christian faith. You see, after Jesus was crucified, he was laid in his tomb and a stone was placed across the entrance, but three days later Mary Magdalene came to anoint his body for burial, and lo, the stone had been rolled away and the tomb was empty, and an angel told her- She goes on like this for several minutes, quoting chapter and verse, analyzing the pagan influences on the modern holiday, everything you could possibly want to know about Easter. St. Peter is astounded, as she is clearly very knowledgeable despite being blonde, and while she’s giving this lecture, he takes out the golden key from his angel toga, and he puts the key in the lock, he turns the key Wait! says the blonde. I’m not finished yet! Every year the stone of his tomb is rolled away, and Jesus comes out. And if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter!
