My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one. A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, Are you new here?
A boy and a pile of sh** A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman were walking down the street. They notice a little boy playing in some horse shit. So the Scotsman went up to the little boy and asked, What are you doing there lad. The boy looked up and said, I am making me a Scottish warrior. The Scotsman gets all mad and stomps off cursing under his breath. The Irishman said, Calm down let me see what he is doing. So he goes up to the little boy and asks him what he is doing. The little boy looked up and said, I am making me an Irish Jockey. Oh the Irishman got so mad he stomped off and was cursing under his breath. The Englishman said, Now calm down I got this. He goes up to the boy and says, Let me guess if I asked you what you are doing you are going to tell me you are making another Englishman. The boy shook his head and said, Nope, there isn’t enough shit in the world to make another Englishman.
Bit of an adult joke. Three guys go on safari in Africa; an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman. They say after an hour of hunting they will meet back up and see who got the most kills. So an hour later they all meet back up to tally their scores. The Englishman goes first and says I got 12 gazelles . The Welshman retorted: Oh yeah? That’s nothing I got 12 gazelles and 5 Zebras The Irishman has a big smile on his face and says: That’s nothing. I got a 114 No-No’s The Englishman and Welshman exchange glances before asking What’s a No-No?! The Irishman enlightens them: I don’t really know, but they’re as black as anything and every time you point a gun at them they put their hands up and say No No .
Yo mama’s so fat she’s half Indian, half Irish, and half American.
An Irishman, a Mexican and an American are in an Plane… The Irishman throws a potato out of the plane, Why did you throw a potato out of the plane? asks the Mexican and the American. Because there is far to many in my country, replies the Irishman. The Mexican then throws a Taco out of the aeroplane. Why did you throw that taco out of the aeroplane? The Irishman and the American ask. Because there are far too many in my country, the Mexican replies. Then the American throws the Mexican out of the aeroplane. Oh my God! Why did you do that? The Irishman asks. To which the American replies. That was my taco. edit: I realise that it is a plane, not an plane, forgot to proofread.
Here’s a good one my dad told me.. A sober Irishman walks out of a bar..
Irish Car Bomb Yanks have a cocktail called an Irish car bomb , but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they’d get offended.
Irish joke I heard that’ll offend Americans. How come Americans are allowed to order a drink called the ‘Irish Car Bomb’ but I get weird looks when I stick two flakes in my ice cream and call it the ‘Twin Towers’?
The Speech Therapist A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer’s Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered. Finally, totally exasperated, she said; If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. The Englishman immediately piped up; B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham , he said. That’s no use, Trevor said the speech therapist, Who’s next? The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow . That’s no better either, Hamish. Now, how about you, Paddy? The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; London . Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said; … ………… d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry.
the real people to blame for 911 I heard it was two irish carpenter s paddy and mick fitting doors on the 60th floor paddy told mick to get a plain n take some of the top. Mick misinterpreted
A Man walks into a irish bar A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says 42 . Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it. He takes a sip of his beer. Another man stands up and says 62 . Everyone is laughing again. The man asks the bartender What going on. The bartender says Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try Oh alright The man stands up and says 94 . Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter. The man says to the bartender Why was that so funny? We haven’t heard that one before
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America…. As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, why don’t we throw some money out of the plane for good luck . Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, well i want more luck than the Englishman . So he throws a 1 pound coin out of the window. As the plane flies over Ireland the Irishman thinks Well i don’t have any money all i have is this grenade from the surplus store So he throws the grenade out of the window for good luck. Now when they all get home from the trip the Englishman comes home to see his mother crying. Why are you crying? He asks his mum. A 50 pence coin fell out of the sky and killed the cat. The Scottish man comes home to see his father crying. Dad why are you crying? . A 1 pound coin fell out the sky and killed the dog . Yet when the Irishman gets home he sees his grandad laughing. Grandad why are you laughing? The Irishman asks. Well ol boyo i farted and teh neighbors blew up .
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman………. An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant. I’m sorry says the maitre d’, after scrutinizing the group. But you can’t come in here without a Thai .
Pedantic Jokes Knock, knock. Who’s there? The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A Manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’ The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.’ Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering. So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger. How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says, Why are you wearing a suit? The black man says, I just got back from a funeral What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Would you like an ice pack? Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird. A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, No. No, I don’t. A man called a lawyer and asked, How much will you charge me to answer three questions? The lawyer said $400. Wow, said the man. Isn’t that a lot? I guess so, said the lawyer. When are you going to ask your questions? How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really. Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’ The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’ he says. The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.’ The man says I’m sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all. What’s sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends. Why did the chicken cross the road? Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. Cool thought the mental health worker- those feathers will make for excellent trout flies . He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. God, I love this job , he muttered to no one in particular. Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he’ll let them drink of the holy water. The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith. Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? Because she was blind and deaf. Otto and Beata give birth to a young child. This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgiveable mistake. The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll ya have, Pope? But the Pope’s grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn’t know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves. Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house? No. Well, it’s really nice. Where did Hitler keep his armies? The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes. A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells God damn! as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god’s name in vein and says Don’t say ‘God damn’ say ‘God help us’ . The kid says, I am an atheist, get away from me . What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes. What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? An embarrassing situation Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? She was a schizophrenic. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. What’s the deal with airline peanuts? The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn’t want a Peanut Fee attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It’s free food, and it’s a nice snack. If you’re really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish. How do you make a Swiss roll? Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It’s quite delicious, actually. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag. One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other’s a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry. How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb? I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low. A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. she says. Come again? says the clerk, cupping his ear. I said ‘I’LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS’, says the girl, this time louder. A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS! Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is. First, says the bartender, you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her. The guy think it over and says okay, sure. You have a deal! He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out. What’s he doing? asks the bartender. What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen, she says, her horrified face pale with shock. His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc…the croc ate him. Oh, Jesus, whispers the bartender. Jesus. Nobody says a word. A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. Thank God , he says, I’ve been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last. Eight years? she says, So it’s eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. So is it also eight years since you had a drink? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it’s 25 year old single malt whisky. It’s smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. So, she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, Is it eight years since you played around? Oh no, he says, This is all a dream, isn’t it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming. Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It’s the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone… so terribly alone. An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender’s name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man’s mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address. What’s the difference between a duck? I’m sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say What’s the difference between a duck and a goose? and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl. What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand? A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic. Four blondes are driving to Disney world. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says Disneyworld: left so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth. A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says we’re too heavy, one of you will have to jump! The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don’t want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes. How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money. Why don’t Polish girls swim in the sea? The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in. There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sail-boat. I haven’t seen him in years. As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn’t hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection. A man walks into a bar. He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home. A horse walks into a bar. The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined. What’s eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night? A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.) PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 milligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don’t run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counsellor is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day. PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil. DOCTOR: You’re very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely. PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again. What’s the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills? Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionery product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M’s produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repercussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose – often referred to as an ‘overdose’ – of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops. Why did the Czech tourist cross the road? Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government. How many Germans does it take to change a light-bulb? Only one. It is a simple light-bulb, not an advanced ‘home computer’. Knock Knock Who is there please? Boo I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word ‘boo’, in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case. Doctor Doctor! I think I’ve broken my leg! Yes, I’m afraid it’s a terrible break, the chances are you’ll never walk again. Why can’t women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out? They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms. How can you tell that your girlfriend’s too young for you? Often the level of rapport induced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship’s potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consensual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner. What do you call a man with a tray on his head? If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.
The Texan Massacre A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and said, Howdy, ma’am. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish. She didn’t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, Howdy, suh. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish. The little fellow turned to him, Well now, how d’ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O’Donnell. I’m from Dublin, Ireland. I’m 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I’m white from the top o’ me head to the tip o’ me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N.
an Englishman, an Irish man and a Scottish man are on a plane… they all have a tonne of stuff each and the pilot says that to land safely they need to lose 3 tonnes of cargo. the Englishman drops a tonne of roses and says i’ve got enough of those in my country the Irishman drops a tonne of bombs and says i’ve got enough of those in my country and the Scotchman drops a tonne of bagpipes and says i’ve got enough of those in my country when the Englishman gets home he finds his mother crying he asks what happens and she says a tonne of roses dropped from the sky and killed your farther . when the Scottish man got home he found his farther crying he asked what happened and he said a tonne of bagpipes fell from the sky and crushed your mother . when the Irishman got home he finds his dad pissing himself laughing he asks what happened and his farther says i farted and the next door neighbors house blew up .
Two fellows, an Irishman and a Finn walk into a bar Each orders a beer, after a moment Irishman asks: So, how’s it going? Silence. After a minute or two, still silence, so Irishman says worried: So you’re not in the mood, huh? Have we come here to talk or to drink beer? answered Finn, subtly nervous. ***** I came across this one as comment somewhere deep inside Reddit, and unfortunately I couldn’t find the original poster. If someone knew him, give me a notice and I’ll mention you.
An Irishman leaves the pub one night… He drunkenly stumbles down the sidewalk, yelling obscenities. A Nun happens to pass by the Irishman and gives him a smile. The drunken fool suddenly begins to punch the Nun repeatedly. He slams her against a brick wall and kicks her while she’s down. At this point a crowd of horrified on-lookers have gathered and pulled the Irishman away from the bloody Nun. A few of them immediately go to assist the Nun. As the others drag the Irishman away from the scene he repeatedly screams, Not so tough tonight are ya, Batman?!
To Absent Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. ‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’ The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
A group of Irish friars was running short of funds… A group of Irish friars was running short of funds, so they decided to start a business selling flowers from the cathedral gardens. Happily, their business was extremely successful- so successful, in fact, that the local flower shop could no longer stand up to the competition. The owner, determined not to give up so easily, asked the holy men to find some other way to make money. No, they replied. God has guided us to success. So the florist went down to the local tavern and hired Hugh McTaggart: the meanest, toughest brawler in town. He showed up at the friars’ flower stand, knocked over the register, turned over the tables, and punched the abbot in the face, threatening to come back if they kept selling flowers. Naturally, the friars decided to close the shop and come up with another source of income. The moral of the story? *Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.*
An Irishman reels in a magic lamp… Two Irish men are fishing on a lake when one of them reels in something strange. The Irishman sees he has reeled in a magic lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the one man thank you for freeing me from that lamp. I have been trapped in there for ages. To show my thanks I shall grant you one wish. The one Irishman thinks for a second and wishes for the whole lake to turn into beer. The lake is instantly changed and the genie goes on his way. The wisher looks at his friend and says what do you think about that? The other Irishman replies I think you’re an asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.
Irish fisherman It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. ‘Fishing,’ replied the old man. ‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?’ ‘You’re the eighth.’
Another one from the pub: The Ventriloquist! So, this ventriloquist’s doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing. At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: ‘What’s ye’s telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!’ The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn’t mean to offend you so. I’ll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.’ And the Paddy goes: ‘Who’s talkin’ to ye’s?! I was shpeakin’ to the man on your lap!’
Looking for a joke: irish dinner potatoe Pretty close, but need to know the exact joke about irish dinner consisting of potatos and beer
An Irishman walks into a bar… …and says to the bartender, Give me three pints of Guinness, lad . The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what’s up. Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can’t meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this. This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, Only two today? I’m sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away? No, no, nothing of the sort. I’ve quit drinking!
The Mormon and the Irishman A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too. I didn’t know we had that choice.
Its possible to live on a diet of only potatoes But, as the Irish found out, it wasn’t possible to live on a diet without them.
An elderly Irishman walks into a bar… He asks the bartender for 3 pints, sits down and drinks all 3. Next week he does the same thing, and so on, week after week, until finally the bartender asks him: Pardon me sir, but I happen to notice you order 3 beers each week, without fail… no more, no less. May I ask why? Oh, well I have 2 brothers you see, and so I have a pint for each of them and one for me as well. A few years later, the Irishman walks into the bar, but he only orders 2 pints this time. The bartender is surprised, and after a while he realizes what’s happened. Pardon me sir, I don’t mean to pry, but I notice you’ve ordered only 2 this week and, well, I’d like to extend my condolences for your loss. I have a brother myself, and I can only imagine the pain it would cause… No lad, interrupted the Irishman, I’m just off drinking!
When I looked at the eclipse yesterday all I could see were my parents fighting 🙁 He asks the bartender for 3 pints, sits down and drinks all 3. Next week he does the same thing, and so on, week after week, until finally the bartender asks him: Pardon me sir, but I happen to notice you order 3 beers each week, without fail… no more, no less. May I ask why? Oh, well I have 2 brothers you see, and so I have a pint for each of them and one for me as well. A few years later, the Irishman walks into the bar, but he only orders 2 pints this time. The bartender is surprised, and after a while he realizes what’s happened. Pardon me sir, I don’t mean to pry, but I notice you’ve ordered only 2 this week and, well, I’d like to extend my condolences for your loss. I have a brother myself, and I can only imagine the pain it would cause… No lad, interrupted the Irishman, I’m just off drinking!
Three men were sitting together… bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Irish Catholics [and possibly some Jews] will appreciate this one Q; How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A; Ahhh, don’t you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.
An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm…. A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says I’ll have three pints of Guinness please . The bartender looks at the Irishman. Looks at the penguin. Looks at the crocodile. Looks at the parrot. Looks back to the Irishman and says, What’s all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?
An Irishman comes home piss drunk He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken. He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he’s died in his sleep, and that he has been reincarnated into a chicken. The former Irishman begins to feel an excruciating pain in his rear end. Oh my god, what is that terrible pain?? Again, relax. You’re just laying an egg, says the hen. But the pain was unbearable, his little chicken heart was throbbing, his wings were flapping, then to his relief, he releases the egg. Bliss lasted for a second, only to be interrupted by a rough banging on his head– He wakes up in bed next to his wife hitting him repeatedly, screaming Wake up ya drunken bastard you’re shittin’ the bed again!!
An Irish man goes for a job as a Farrier An Irishman goes for a job as a Farrier (horse shoer). During the interview the Irishman is asked, Have you had much experience shoeing horses? The Irishman replies No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once!
The shortest Irish joke in the world. Two Irishmen walked out of a pub.
Texan in Ireland A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness. He makes an announcement. I’ll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether. About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says I’ll take you up on that challenge The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath. Wow that was amazing! exclaims the Texan here’s your money… but tell me one thing…why did you leave when I first made the offer? The Irishman wiped off his chin and said I went to another pub to make sure I could do it.
I want to make a special present for my dad’s birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick’s Day mocha? He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
Job Fatality in Ireland An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It’s the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground. She’s says oh no, it’s bad news isn’t it father! Yes, tis says the priest. About my husband?? is he dead, father? She gasps. There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned Was it a quick death, father? Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee
A Texan walks into an pub in Dublin… And lays ten €100 notes on the bar. I hear you Micks think you’re pretty good drinkers. I’ll wager €1000 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 1 hour. Any takers? said the Texan. The bar goes silent. The men turn away from the Texan and hide their faces. One man even leaves in disgust. Hmph, figures! said the Texan. He orders a beer and drinks at the bar. Ten minutes later, the man who left the pub in disgust comes back into the pub and approaches the Texan. Excuse me, sir, said the Irishmen, Is your wager still on the table? Sure is. Line ’em up barkeep! said the Texan. The bartender pulls ten pints and lays them in a row. The Texan starts a stopwatch and the Irishman starts drinking. One after the other, the pints disappear until ten empty glasses line the bar with 25 minutes to spare. The pub erupts in celebration and the Texan begrudgingly hands the Irishmen the money. One question, said the Texan. Where did you go for ten minutes ‘fore you come back? Well, I didn’t have €1000 if I lost, said the Irishmen, so I went to the pub down the street to make sure I could do it first.
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar… An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender says This reminds me of a joke, An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender says This reminds me of a joke, An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender says This reminds me of a joke…
Trig Do Catholics fail trigonometry because of sin? Do Irish people fail trigonometry because they can’t tan? Does everyone fail trigonometry just cos?
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar… An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, the Welshman is not there because they’re still in the euro’s.
Irish man gets pulled over by the police in France… The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Irishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Irishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested. The Irishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a Irish car and my wife is driving… on the other side??? Note: not my joke, and knowing the Irish may well be true!
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are in the pub, when three identical flies land simultaneously in their beers… The Englishman sees the fly struggling for life in his beer, pushes it away in disgust, and orders another. The Irishman sees the fly struggling for life in his beer, picks it out, flicks it away, says no need to waste a good beer! and carries on drinking. The Scotsman sees the fly struggling in his beer, picks it out, holds it over the glass and yells #SPIT IT OUT! I PAID FOR THAT YOU BASTARD!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar… An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar… The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
An American, a Brit, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar A fly lands in each of their beers, the American takes the fly out of the glass and keeps on drinking. The Brit looks at the fly and asks the waitress for a new drink. The Irishman grabs the fly, squeezes it and yells spit it out you greedy bastard!
Never knew that Irish people are so racist… Needless to say I was shocked when my Irish mate started telling me about how much he hates the black and tans.
a joke for dumb people okay dont kill me just yet lol okay okay a Jewish mom goes soccer league in Ireland and she says excuse me sir do you know where i can get a soccer player from? then the irish man says no ma’am you dont buy them you watch them play fut ball and the jewish mom says well my irene i need to kidnap one then and make them my husband then an soccer player comes up to her and gives her a beer and makes her play soccer. an hour later she got on the soccer team and every time she would play she would always drink the blood of germans
Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle… these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast. and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.
