Why was the blondes belly button all red and bruised? Because her BF was a blonde too.
A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents Blonde: Oh by the way I’m pregnant Parents (simultaneously): You’re WHAT!?! Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I’m not even sure it’s mine
A blonde woman wants to buy a Tv On a saturdayafternoon a blonde her tv stopped working so, she had to buy a new one ofcourse. Once in the store she searched for the perfect television. Once she had found one she called an employee and said: *”I’d like to buy this television, please * The employee answered: *”sorry miss I don’t sell my goods to blonde women, please leave my store. * She left angrily but still in need for a television so she went back, but with a black wig on. Back in the store she went to the tv she wanted and asked the employee again: *”Sir, I would like to buy this television, please could you help me carrying it? ”* He replied *”miss, I already told you that I won’t sell my goods to blonde women. Just leave my shop now, please”* She ripped off her wig and yelled **HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW I’M BLONDE?! MY WIG COVERED IT UP PERFECTLY** The man replies calm to her *”Because the thing you want to buy isn’t a tv it’s a fucking microwave”*
A man and his camel There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got back on. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert, the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , If you fix our car we will do anything you want! The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished, the three girls asked, How could we ever repay you Mr? After thinking for a short while he replied, Could you hold my camel?
A Young Brunette Goes into the Doctor’s Office A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible says the doctor, show me . She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor says, You’re not really a brunette are you? You’re really a blonde . She says Yes, doctor . I thought so. the doctor says, then continues: Your finger is broken .
A cowboy is captured by a Native American tribe. The chief approaches the cowboy and tells him, Your people have encroached upon our lands and killed our brothers, We may kill you in retribution. But we are generous. We will offer you one request per day for the next three days. Choose wisely. What is your first request? The cowboy thinks for a moment and asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy whispers something into its ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful blond on its back. She dismounts the horse and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the second day, the chief approaches the cowboy and says, White man. You have two requests remaining. Think not of carnal desires but of how you might redeem yourself. What is your second request? Again the cowboy asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy again whispers something into the horse’s ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful red-head on its back. The red-head dismounts and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the third day, The chief again approaches the cowboy and says, White man, today is your final request. Choose wisely. You may yet redeem yourself. Without hesitation, the cowboy asks for his horse one more time. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy grabs it by both of its ears, looks it in its eyes and yells, POSSE, GODDAMNIT. BRING THE POSSE!
A doctor and his wife were sun A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, Hi there handsome. How are you doing? before wiggling her backside and walking off. Who was that? demanded the doctor’s wife. Just a woman I met professionally, replied the doctor. Oh yeah? snarled his wife, In whose profession? Yours or hers?
My blonde girlfriend and her Windows My girlfriend who happens to be blonde has still not upgraded her PC to Windows 10 but still continues to use version 7. When I ask her why, she just changes the subject. Finally I convince her to do the update, and then she calls me quite upset and says, Honey, where the hell is the ‘any’ key?!
I did exactly what you said Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins… Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan? Perfectly, said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes… Two minutes pass… Seven minutes pass… and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says, You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan! Buffy said, I did… I did exactly what you said!
An Australian walks into a US bar… …with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, Hey! You can’t bring that dangerous animal in here! Dangerous? That ridiculous! the Aussie proclaims. Watch this! He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc’s jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile’s teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it’s mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin. Anyone else wanna try it? the Australian asks. A blonde woman raises her hand and says, I will…if you don’t hit me with the paper.
So, there’s these two sisters A blonde girl asks her older blonde sister. How do you give a blow job? Her sister smiles and says. Next time you have to take a shower, take a bath instead. Look real close, when you see yourself, put your mouth to the water and start blowing real hard, it’s not slutty if it’s yourself!
Adult store Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him. Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you handle it Bob without any hesitation replies I got this, go take care of what you need store owner leaves. After a few minutes a black Benz pulls up. A hot brunet walks in and says hey how much for that silver dildo? Bob says 100 bucks. She pays and goes on her way. Shortly after that 4 range rovers pull up and the hottest black woman enters the store and says hey, how much for that gold dildo? Bob says 500 bucks. She pays and goes on her way. In about an hour he sees a Ferrari pull up with a sexy blond exiting the car. She enters the Stor and says hey, how much for the platinum dildo? Bob looks around and says in a unsure voice 5,000 bucks? The blind pays for it and leaves. The store owner come back shortly after and says how did it go? Bob says well I sold the silver dildo for $100, the gold for $500 and your thermos for 5k.
An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets… An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’. Fucking get in there you cunt! he says to himself and goes to the bar. Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt , he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. Can I help you sir?’ he says. Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I’m here to fucking audition. Wanker! The manager is naturally a little put off by the man’s abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called? That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called ‘Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter’s Eye, And Now The Cunt’s Blind.’ Oh says the manager, somewhat taken aback, err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe? Fucking wanker… interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. That little number was called ‘Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.’ I see says the manager. Have you got any songs with less offensive titles? Well there’s my jazz number ‘Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece’, or there’s the epic ‘I Don’t Give A Fuck If You’re Older My Dear, You’ve Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs’ . Look, says the manager, I think you’re a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience. Fuck it , says the pianist, why cunting not? On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. Hi she says. Oh, hello he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes? Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, Know it? I fucking wrote it!!
A blonde is watching the news with her husband….. A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, That’s horrible! Confused, he replies, Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved. After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, How many is a Brazilian?
Two Black Sharks in a White Pool TL;DR: A story about a Millionaire, his wives and Two Black Sharks in a White Pool. Once there was this millionaire who was looking for a suitable wife. He was a very handsome man, so he had no trouble finding one that he loved. They fell into a passionate love. He said to his wife on the wedding day I’m so glad I get to marry the love of my life, but I have one request. His wife replied Okay honey, anything for you . You can know anything about me, I’ll tell you the man said Just don’t ask me about the two black sharks in the white pool. His wife thought this was very odd and shrugged it off, thinking nothing of it. As time went on, she became more curious. She developed an obsession with it. One day, she couldn’t stand it anymore and asked her husband I know you told me not to ask, but I really want to know. What’s with the two black sharks in a white pool? The man lost it. He went into a rage and grabbed a chair, beating his wife with it and smacking her into the wall. She snapped her neck as he came to his senses. He quickly cleaned up the mess and buried the body in the back yard. Distraught, the man spent much of his time inside his house. Eventually he got the courage to go outside and look once more for love. He fell hard for a very attractive model that also admired the young millionaire. On their wedding he was filled with so much joy that he could love again. That night, he said to her. Honey, I really do love you and I know you love me, but I have one request. His wife replied Of course darling, anything for you . You can know anything about me and I’ll be glad to tell you the man says Whatever you do, just don’t ask about the two black sharks in the white pool. His wife was very curious, but because she loved him and decided to drop it. Okay darling. You don’t have to worry. But as time went on she became increasingly curious and decided to ask him one night after some vigorous sex. Darling, she said I know you told me not to ask, but what is the deal with the two black shark in a white pool? The man became furious in his attack and started to smother her with the pillow. She writhed for a couple of seconds and eventually suffocated. He came to his senses, weeping that he had killed his wife and went to bury her in the back yard. The man mourned his second wife for a few months, losing all hope in ever finding love again. One day the millionaire got courage to go out drinking with some buddies and met this lovely blonde reporter. They had a great night and went back to his place to have more drinks. Over the next few months they kept seeing each other. The man finally got the courage to propose and they were married within the year. On their wedding day he was filled with so much joy that he had found someone to love and spend his life with. That evening he said to her. Oh love, you know that I adore you and I want to be with you, but I have one request. His wife replied Anything for you my love . You can know anything about me, nothing is secret the man said But do not ask me about the two black sharks in a white pool . Having been a reporter, his wife had been successful by getting the scoop on just about every good story, but she loved her husband and respected his wish. Each day that passed she grew more curious, as was her instincts as a reporter. She finally got the courage to ask. My love she said I know you don’t want me to ask, but I am very curious! What is with the two black sharks in a white pool? The man grabs a knife from the kitchen and goes after his wife, stabbing her to death. He realized that he killed his wife, and wept. He quickly buried her in the back yard. One of his neighbors watched him dragging a body and decided to notify the police. The police arrived at the house and the man answered Good evening officers, what can I help you with? Sir we have some information about you and a dead body one officer says. At this time the neighbor comes over and notifies the police to check the back yard. The police come in and see one freshly dug patch of grass next to a white pool that had two black sharks in it. What’ve you been digging here? says the other officer. They call in backup to dig in the backyard of the millionaire and find three dead bodies, after which they detain the man. In the police station they interrogate the man. Why do you have three dead bodies in your backyard? The millionaire was an honest man. In tears he told them about his wives that he’d accidentally killed. I loved each one of them says the millionaire But even when I told them not to, each one of them asked me about the two black sharks in a white pool. Confused, the police officer interrogating the man asks What is with the two black sharks in the white pool? We saw them at your house. The man becomes enraged and starts to attack the officer. The officer fearing for his life grabs his gun and shoots the man in the head. To this day nobody knows anything about the two black sharks in a white pool. Edit: a word and a requested TL;DR
Wanna cyber? Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody 😉 DirtyKate: Who are you? Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my Geo Storm. DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and make an order DirtyKate: Haha! OK DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, Hello, this is Papa John’s, how may I help you , then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want? DirtyKate: I want everything, baby! Bloodninja: Is this a delivery? DirtyKate: Umm…Yes DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home alone… and I think I’ll take a shower… Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to your house. pause DirtyKate:I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up! Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza. Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though pause DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now. Bloodninja: How did you know? Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold. Warm me up baby Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom? DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself. Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door…. DirtyKate: What the fuck? DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t DirtyKate: F**k
It’s raining as a drunk man stumbles up to a bus stop… It’s raining as a drunk man stumbles up to a bus stop, and starts talking with a very well dressed sober man already standing there. As they chat, the dapper fellow sees a beautiful blonde woman holding an umbrella about to walk past. As she passes, the dapper fellow says to her tickle your ass with a feather? to which the blonde says with startled anger what did you just say to me‽ . The man responds particularly nasty weather . The blonde looks relieved, apologies profusely, and continues on her way. This is very amusing to the drunk and through slurred speech he requests that his new friend do it again, to which the fellow obliges. They spot a gorgeous redhead about to stroll past, and the dapper fellow says to her tickle your ass with a feather? Infuriated, the redhead demands to know if he kisses his mother with that mouth, and demands that he repeat himself. The man says particularly nasty weather! The redhead demurs, apologizes, and continues on her way. The drunk has never been so amused, and requests that he try it himself. The dapper fellow approves, and the drunk proceeds to stagger over to a stunning brunette passing by and loudly barks hey baby, ya want me to put a feather in your ass‽ She immediately proceeds to slap him as hard as she can, and without missing a beat, the drunk then says hey, I think it’s raining!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, I slept with a Brazilian…. The blonde replies, Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?
Ever since we started swinging my wife has talked about getting her asshole bleached But I don’t think I’d look good as a blond
Blonde A Blonde walks into a bar, and says OW !
I work construction. Today I got on a new job at an existing hospital, but couldn’t find my way around… Wearing ragged overalls, and smelling of old pennies, I politely asked a nurse if she had seen the company I was here to meet. She informed me they were set up on the roof. We were both on the ground floor at the time and upon seeing the disdain in my eyes she offered to show me to the access area. She was a cute little blonde thing, and I accepted the offer. She takes me to the elevator and we ride up to the 5th floor. She’s yapping about something I wasn’t fully paying attention to as I’m trailing her down the corridor. I glance left and right through the oblong windows in the doors to the patients rooms. Not much to see. As we near the end of the end of hall, she turns back to face me and spots me staring straight into a patients room, my mouth ajar. That man is in there jerking off! It was fairly violent too. She informed me he had a rare condition that would result in cardiac arrest unless he rubbed one out every couple hours. I told her to keep me away from that guy. We climbed up one more flight of stairs and turned down another corridor with rooms lining either side. It’s just ahead sir, she said, just through the double doors at the end. I was still a shook up about the scene I’d just witnessed one level below, so she took me the rest of the way. Sure enough I see another man, a FULLY grown man, yanking on his thing. HARD. What the hell is going on around here? I asked her. That man has the same issue as the fellow downstairs. Isn’t that interesting? She exclaimed. ‘Hardly,’ I thought. We kept walking. Just then, to no avail, I look into another room, unable to keep my prying eyes away, and there it was. A nurse in her little whit outfit, hair tied up in a bun, blowing this mans cock! Right there in the patients room! I asked the nurse I was with, So what’s the deal with this guy?? She looked over her shoulder slowly, Same disease, better health coverage.
A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money… A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said, How much will you charge me? Delighted, the girl quickly responded, How about $50? The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The wife replied, You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately. Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. You’re finished already? the startled husband asked. Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. And, by the way, the teenager added, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons… She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death, when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off.
A Blond runs into a crowded bar A blond runs into a crowded bar shouting to everybody 26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me! The patrons at the bar all cheer for the blond and the bartender pours everybody a drink. A few minutes later the blond again shouts 26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me! . Again, cheering is heard by everybody at the bar and the bartender pours everybody their second free drink. Once again after a few minutes the blond starts with the shouting 26 days! 26 days! Drinks on me! At this point the bartender is beyond curious about what 26 days means, and he’s also very concerned that the blond won’t be able to afford 3 rounds of drinks for this crowded bar. So he decides he had better ask her what she means before he pours another round for the entire bar. Bartender – Ma’am, I’m dying to know. What does 26 days mean? And why are you buying rounds of drinks to celebrate it? Blond – Tonight is a night of wonder and celebration! I finished a puzzle tonight. On the box it said 3 years and up, but I finished it in 26 days!
My boss is sending me abroad for a business trip next week. I hope she’s a blonde.
A young blonde… …pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don’t know how to fly! She hears a voice over the radio saying, This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position. The blonde replies, I’m 5’7 and in the front seat. (After a long pause) O.K. says the the voice in the radio….. Now repeat after me…..Our Father Who art in heaven….
Blonde painter A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. I’m here for the paint job, she said. Alright, said the man. Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house. The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn’t a porsche out back. It’s a Ferrari.
A man walks into a bar and had a big Blue head He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another. * Tell you what, * says the bartender, * this next one’s on the house — but you’ve got to tell me what happened to your head. I don’t mean to be rude there, but… * The man smiles. * No, not at all. I get this all the time…* …Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them. I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. Sand. Sand was all I could think about. Everything else ceased to exist out there. I can only progress slowly, because I have to hide in my tent every time when even the smallest sandstorm comes around. I kept thinking, may be there are not just oases, nomads, and pompous cities in this desert. Supposedly there are ancient ruins as well. But until now now I only found lonely pillars scattered around the desert. Still my hopes were not disappointed, for now. I found a group of nomads, who were exceptionally friendly and hospitable. I decided to spend some time with them, before I set out again. Things went well, but I had nightmares on most nights. All the wandering in the desert must have exhausted me so much. I dreamt of large desert scorpion made of sand, some times it would be a large eagle chasing me into a big labyrinth. During one such sleepless night, I saw a mysterious man. Exhausted and wounded, was seeking refuge in our camp. Just before dying, he told me about a river whose waters bestow immortality on whoever drinks from it. The river is next to a place called the City of the Immortals. Determined to find it, I thanked my nomad friends and set out to find this City. The days were uneventful, but the nights began to terrify me. I know that the majority of deserts are rife with life. But it is frightening to hear the sand move in the silence of night. And sometimes I found footprints in the morning near my tent, and they were definitively human. Maybe someone is just following, maybe one of the kids of one of my nomadic friends. But they grew in number the closer I got to the city, and they are always fresh. And I also suddenly heard quiet whispering one night, only heard when I almost fell asleep. I woke up from the nightmare to find myself tied up in a small recess on the side of a mountain inhabited by Troglodytes. I don’t know how I got there, but I managed to free myself and I could see the City of the Immortals in the distance. I assumed I can walk towards it, but one Troglodyte was already following me. I had to run as fast as I could to get away from him. At last I reached the City of the Immortals. The City of the Immortals is an immense labyrinth with dead-end passages, inverted stairways, and many chaotic architectural structures. I was Horrified and repulsed by the city, but decided to get inside, because the Troglodyte was chasing me. I eventually escaped the city only to find the Troglodyte waiting on the other side. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to run anymore. I surrendered myself to him. To his will. But it turned out that he really was a Genie, and that the Troglodytes are the Immortals, having destroyed the original City of the Immortals and replaced it with the labyrinthine. ‘I am the Genie of the labyrinth’ said the entity. ‘For finding your way out of the labyrinth, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?’ I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating after all this running and exhaustion, and that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. ‘Alright,’ I tasked it, ‘I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.’ ‘Your wish is granted!’ said the Genie. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new bills. I counted them — sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars. ‘What is you second wish?’ I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. ‘Genie,’ I said, ‘for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a Persian king.’ ‘Your wish is granted!’ Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe. I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother’s underbelly, the Genie stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far. ‘What is your third wish?’ I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me. At last, I spoke. ‘Genie, for my third wish, I want a big Blue head.’
Two pathologists are in a morgue… …one says to the other, Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06? Yeah? the other replies. Well, there’s a prawn in between her legs. What?! Yes, I swear! Bullshit, show me. The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls out the drawer, throws back the white sheet and points. See? What did I tell you? The other pathologist shakes his head and says, That’s not a prawn you moron, that’s the clitoris Oh. He replies. Tastes like a prawn.
So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon… Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easter? Oh that’s easy! The first blonde steps forward It’s that holiday when the Pilgrims came to America and we celebrate all of our blessings! Saint Peter shakes his head. Admission denied he states as he presses the big red button and sends her into purgatory. The second blonde scoffs and steps forward. What an idiot! Everyone knows that it’s the holiday where we celebrate Jesus’s birth and give presents to each other! At this point, Saint Peter is banging his head on the bars of the golden gates. No. Admission. Denied. He presses the button and she falls into purgatory. The third blonde flips her hair and says Don’t worry, I got this. Easter is a holiday that falls on the same day as a Jewish holiday, in which we note the story of Jesus being crucified and taken down, where his body was put into a cave with a rock rolled in front of it. At this point, Saint Peter is smiling and reaches for the button. …and every year they roll the rock away and if Jesus comes out and sees his shadow…
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank ( part 2 ) A blonde, brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes as planned, masks on, fake guns in hand, and money in bags. As they exit the bank they hear sirens, so they dash to a nearby forest and climb Into 3 large trees. After the cops arrive they suspect that the getaway route was into the nearby forest, so they decide to inspect it. One of the officers hears a sound coming from one of the three large trees. He shoots his gun into the one with the redhead hiding it in, so she does her best impression of a bird chirp chirp . The officer thinks it’s just a bird, so he continues to the next tree. He shoots into the next tree with the brunette hiding in it, he then hears a hoot, hoot sound. And says to the other officer, clear! Just an owl and continues. He moves on to the third large tree with the blonde hiding in it, as he approaches, the blonde begins to get nervous. He then shoots into the tree and hears Mooooooo
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. Quick! Hide! The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. Meow! goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. Just an alley cat… The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. Woof! Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. Just a stray… The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don’t get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes! and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I’m blond. I can make these jokes.
Blondes CAN count sheep So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown. The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them? The shepherd was taken by the woman’s beauty and said to her, Yes . So the woman said the first number that came into her head which was 436 . Shocked that she was somehow right, the shepherd said, That’s right. Yes, you can pick one of my flock. After much thought and study of the flock, the woman selected what she thought was the cutest and most playful one to take home with her. The shepherd turned to the woman and said, Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?
A blonde is driving along the road one day and she passes an open field. As she is driving by she sees another blonde out in the middle of the field in a row boat rowing frantically even though she is not in any water and is not making any progress. Furious at what she sees the blonde pulls over her car on the side of the road and gets out of the car. After observing the blonde rowing frantically and getting nowhere, she can’t contain her rage any longer. HEY!! the blond screams at the other blonde in the rowboat. IT’S STUPID BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE US SMART BLONDES LOOK BAD AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!
Blonde Jokes I could have been a karma whore and posted these one by one but here is a very long list of good blonde jokes. ————————————————————————- A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, Fifteen inches. Fifteen inches? asked the salesman. That sounds very small – what room are they for? The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, But miss, computers do not need curtains! The blond says, Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows! ——– Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV… The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, Do you think he’ll jump? Jack says, You know what, I bet he will. The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won’t. Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, You’re on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, Fair’s fair… Here’s your money. Jack replied, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump. The blonde replies, I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again. Jack took the money… ——— A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, Are you going to San Diego? Sure, answered the blonde, do you need a lift? Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble. I’d be happy to, said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What in the world are you doing here? he demanded. I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo. Yes, I know you did, said the blonde, but we had money left over — so now we’re going to Sea World. ——— Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ??? —— A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, ‘What’s the story?’ He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’ —— A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’ —— There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’ —— A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? ‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’ —— A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’ ‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’ —— A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’ —— A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’ —— A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
A blonde hears a guy telling blond jokes… She says i’m blond, and that’s very insulting. Guy says, alright, I’ll repeat it slowly.
A blonde and a redhead watch the news… A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde I bet you 50 bucks he jumps. The blonde replied You’re on. Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt kind of bad so she said That’s okay, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o’clock news last night. The blonde turned to her and said Well so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump twice in a row!
Johni the queer decides to change his gender… …he saves his money for years and finally goes to the operation. One week later he returns to the bar, and now he/she is a beautiful blonde. His friend ask him/her Hey tell us, how that operation was like? Well, he/she says, it was the worst experience I had in my life! Why? asks the friend. Well, when they put the tits, it was acking like hell. when they cut off my dick, I felt as I could die. but then the worst was when they start cutting half of my brain…
A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show… The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, I’ve seen it too, but I didn’t think he would jump again.
A black man finds the ID of Leonardo Di Caprio on the ground. He takes it and goes away. Some days later he is stopped by the police while driving like crazy on a city road. They ask him his ID and, to avoid unnecessary problems, he gives them the ID he found on the ground. The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud: Name: Leonardo, last name: Di Caprio. He looks at the driver, a bit perplexed. Hair: blonde, eyes: blue. Looks at him again. Then the cop calls his colleague and asks him: Hey Bob, did the Titanic sink or burn?
Trump and Pence Trump and Pence are sitting in a bar… A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, ‘Hey, ain’t that Trump and Pence sitting over there?’ The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s them.’ So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?’ Trump says, ‘We’re planning WW III.’ The guy says, ‘Really? Whaddaya think you’ll do?’ Trump says, ‘Well, we’re planning to kill 140 million Muslims, and a blonde with big tits.’ The guy exclaims, ‘A blonde with big tits? You shittin’ me? Why kill a blonde with big tits?’ Trump turns to Pence, and says, ‘See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’
Political Science for Dummies DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
A Blonde and a Brunette are having coffee In walks the Brunettes’ fiancee, bearing a dozen roses. The Brunette rolls her eyes and says now I’m going to have to spend the weekend with my legs up in the air. The Blonde looks at the Brunette with surprise, and says oh, don’t you have a vase?
A guy walked into his friend’s office , he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. Hey, what’s up with you? , he asks. Oh, its my wife, replied the man sadly. She’s hired a new secretary for me. Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette? Neither, He’s bald.
There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river…. They don’t know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river. God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river. So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.
A blind man walks into a bar… A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke? Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, Listen mister, I’m a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I’m blonde. The bouncer over there, he’s a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He’s blonde too! And the bartender, she’s 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? To which the blind man replies… Well not if I gotta explain it three times!
A blonde was sitting at the first class seat on a plane… The air stewardress tried to pursuade her to return back to economy, which she had bought. The blonde replied: im blonde, im fabulous and im going to london. After much persuasion, the blonde still refused to move away. The air stewardress had no choice but to call upon the captain to tell her to move back to her seat. The air stewardress entered the cockpit, explained the situation and the captain nodded his head. He went to the blonde and whispered in her ear. The blonde immediately moved back to economy. The air stewardress, amazed, asked the captain what he said to the blonde. The captain replied: simple, i told her first class aint going to london
Blonde Joke An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep… He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels. Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, ‘Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar quickly falls completely quiet. In a profound, imposing voice, the lady by him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is not out of the question, given that you are visually impaired, that you ought to know five things: The barkeep is a blonde young lady with a polished ash. The bouncer is a blonde young lady with a ‘Billy-Club’. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde lady with a dark belt in karate. The lady sitting beside me is blonde and an expert weight lifter. The woman to your privilege is blonde and an expert wrestler. ‘Presently, consider it truly, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The visually impaired cowhand thinks for a brief moment, shakes his head and mumbles, ‘No…not in case I’m going to need to clarify it five times.
Anti-Jokes Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint. Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion. A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Why did the sheep fall off the cliff? Because it was blind. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? An untreatable heart condition. How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile. A man walks in to a bar. He is an alcoholic who is ruining his relationship with his family, his finances, and his career. How many Jews does it take two change a lightbulb? Only one depending on height. Two if they’re short; one to hold the ladder and one to screw in the lightbulb. Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale. Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good. What did Stephen Hawking say to a prostitute? Nothing. Stephen Hawking cannot speak due to his ALS. Instead he uses software and speakers connected to a sensor activated by a muscle in his cheek. A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, What’ll it be? The duck doesn’t respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say. If you want to burn a lot of calories you should find a fat kid and set him on fire. And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. Why did the chicken cross the road? We don’t know. What’s funnier than a pile of dead babies? Just about anything is funnier than a pile of dead babies. Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work. Stephen Hawking walks in to a bar. What do you call a man that has no arms an no legs? Whatever he says his name is. Haikus are easy. But some times they don’t make sense. Refrigerator. Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a tire at her. How do you stop a black man from drowning? Throw him a floatation device. Why did the black man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon. Why did the white man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon. How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Five. A daring man proclaimed, Well, here goes nothing. Then nothing proceeded to happen. Thank you Reddit for supplying me with many of these jokes and inspiring many more! I didn’t come up with most of these, but applied my own creativity to some.
Visiting Hell A man dies and goes to Heaven. However, after a while, he gets bored with all the harp-playing and clouds and shit and decides to visit Hell. He asks St. Peter, who lets him visit Hell with one condition: He’d only be allowed to go there as a visitor two times. In the third visit, he’d stay there permanently. And so he went to Hell. As he arrives, he is received by Satan, who brings him a sexy blonde wearing lingerie and holding an ice-cold beer. He drinks the beer, bangs the blonde and goes back to Heaven, excited with his next visit. In the second day he arrived there and the brought not only the same blonde but a a brunette friend, also ridiculously hot and holding two bottles of beer. He drinks it all and has a three-way with both women. Man, Hell is great , said the man. Fuck Heaven, I’m moving to Hell. In his third and definitive arrival to Hell, Satan once again receives him, but instead of the blonde or the brunette the Devil brings him a fat, 45 year old bald man holding a bottle of piss. What the fuck? What happened to the hot chicks and beer? , he asked Lucifer. To which Satan answered: Dude, tourism is one thing. Immigration is another.
