A Southern Man vs. a Yankee for a job After a lengthy interview process, the HR department selected 2 Gentlemen for a final interview for a top spot in an advertising firm, a Yankee and a Southern man. The final interview challenge was simple enough, come up with a poem for the advertising firms newest client Timbuktu. The Yankee was a Ivy league graduate and jumped up to go first. Out across the desert sands, Roams a lonely caravan. Underneath a sky of blue, Destination Timbuktu! The advertising guru’s were so please and excited that they clapped loudly before settling down to let the southern man give his best shot. The southern man, a graduate of the University of Alabama, stood up and slowly recited the following poem. Me and Tim, a fishing went, Saw three ladies in a tent……. Umm….them being three, and us being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two! Roll Tide
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich… … and orders a shot. That’ll be $2.40 , said barman. The man pulls out the exact amount, drinks the shot and leaves. The next day, he walks into the same bar with the same ostrich and orders a meal. Barman comes for the charge of $8.79, so the man pulls out the exact amount and hands it to the barman. Now, a little intrigued barman asks the man, How do you do it, sir, that you always have the exact amount needed? . So the man replies: I’ve once fished a gold fish, and she gave me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever i needed to pay, I’d always have the exact amount in my pocket. So when I buy a new mercedes or just some matches, I always have the cash on me. Oh , replied barman, and what about the second wish? The man’s face got a little frustrated; I wanted a chick with tall legs.
Every day is a holiday if you love yelling. … and orders a shot. That’ll be $2.40 , said barman. The man pulls out the exact amount, drinks the shot and leaves. The next day, he walks into the same bar with the same ostrich and orders a meal. Barman comes for the charge of $8.79, so the man pulls out the exact amount and hands it to the barman. Now, a little intrigued barman asks the man, How do you do it, sir, that you always have the exact amount needed? . So the man replies: I’ve once fished a gold fish, and she gave me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever i needed to pay, I’d always have the exact amount in my pocket. So when I buy a new mercedes or just some matches, I always have the cash on me. Oh , replied barman, and what about the second wish? The man’s face got a little frustrated; I wanted a chick with tall legs.
In a recent poll, 80% of Japanese women admitted to having faked origami. … and orders a shot. That’ll be $2.40 , said barman. The man pulls out the exact amount, drinks the shot and leaves. The next day, he walks into the same bar with the same ostrich and orders a meal. Barman comes for the charge of $8.79, so the man pulls out the exact amount and hands it to the barman. Now, a little intrigued barman asks the man, How do you do it, sir, that you always have the exact amount needed? . So the man replies: I’ve once fished a gold fish, and she gave me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever i needed to pay, I’d always have the exact amount in my pocket. So when I buy a new mercedes or just some matches, I always have the cash on me. Oh , replied barman, and what about the second wish? The man’s face got a little frustrated; I wanted a chick with tall legs.
A man called home to his wife and said… … Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do? You’ll love the answer The wife replied, I did. They’re in your fishing box ..
A man walks into a fishmonger with a fish under his arm… And asks do you do fishcakes? The fishmonger replies that they do. Good says the man, pointing to the fish under his arm, it’s his birthday.
A lawyer and a catfish What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
the old man and the carrot Once upon a time there was a carrot who got hired to help out this old guy living in Boston. He was one of those freak carrots that had little appendages growing out of his sides that he was somehow able to make function like half-hearted arms. Anyway, he hated working for this old guy– partly because he could never understand the man with his heavy accent … everything was like: Get the cah ready. … Clean my ahhctapus … Take me to tha pahk. It was hard enough to hear as it was, as the carrot had pretty inadequate ears. The old man, was also really bossy and seemed to laugh whenever the carrot messed up, and the carrot, being a carrot, was easily flustered … and so he kind of hated his job. But the man paid him regularly, and so he made do. Anyway. One day the old man had decided to move into a new apartment, a studio — you know, the bed and sofa and kitchen all in the living room, and then just the bathroom. So the carrot, who spent the entire night before packing everything up, was really tired, and was now– bright and early– unpacking the boxes in the new place, putting dishes in the cupboards, knick-knacks on shelves, etc., eventually the carrot got to the box with the old man’s fishing gear– that he never used. The man asked the carrot to put the rod in the trunk of the car for now. As the carrot pulled the rod out of the box, the old man looked at him carrying it precariously by the thinner end, and began to worry it was going to snap — and as the carrot headed toward the door, the old man shouted out, ‘That’s naht tha whay ya care it!’ — the carrot, exasperated, screamed back, What do you mean that’s not the way! You want me to jump out the window?! A few days later he was fired.
Son of a bitch fish On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake! Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t swear. Oh, sorry, padre, but that’s what it’s called it’s called a son-of-a-bitch fish.’ Oh, replied the priest, Is it good to eat? Oh, father, it may be the most delicious fish on the planet! So the priest finished his vacation with a fine catch, packed it in ice, and drove back to the Church. When he arrived, Sister Mary came running to the car, exclaiming, Father, father, welcome back! I hope you enjoyed your vacation, and I have fantastic news! The Pope is going to visit our Church tomorrow! That’s wonderful, said the priest, we can serve this son-of-a-bitch that I caught. Blushing, Sister Mary said, Oh, Father, such language! No, no, explained the priest, That’s just what the fish is called it’s a son-of-a-bitch fish,’ and it’s reputed to be the most delicious fish there is. Oh, said Sister Mary; in that case, I’ll clean the fish for Brother Isaac to cook, and she took the fish into the kitchen. Brother Isaac came into the kitchen and asked Mary what she was doing. I’m cleaning this son-of-a-bitch that the Father caught; we’re going to serve it for the Pope’s dinner tomorrow. Oh Mary, if you don’t want to clean the fish, I’ll clean it. Laughing, Mary explained, No, I’m not upset that’s just the name of the fish it’s a son-of-a-bitch fish.’ Oh, said Brother Isaac, I see. Is it any good? And Mary said, The son-of-a-bitch is supposed to be the most delicious fish in the world. Hmmmm, said Brother Isaac. I know, I’ll prepare some special side dishes to go with the son-of-a-bitch. The evening of the Pope’s visit arrived, and the fish was served for dinner, and everyone enjoyed it. My goodness, said the Pope, that was the most delicious fish I’ve ever tasted! Grinning a huge grin, the Priest boasted, I caught the son-of-a-bitch! Smiling with eyes aglow, Sister Mary said, I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch! And beaming with pride, Brother Isaac said, And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch! Smiling shyly, the Pope looked at each of them in turn and said, You fuckers are all right!
Corny jokes! Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? A: Because it’s two-tired. Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? A: It becomes daytrogen. Q: Where did Noah keep his bees? A: In the Ark Hives! Q: Can February March? A: No, but April May. Q: What is it called when you kill a friend? A: Homiecide Fish tanks are stupid! Why? Fish don’t even have any militaries!
Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.
26 groaners 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.
There’s a fly flying 3 inches above the water And there is a fish watching this. That fish thinks if that fly would come down 3 inches, I could swim up and grab that fly. Now there is a bear watching this. He sees what’s going on and thinks to himself, if that fly comes down 3 inches, that fish would swim up and get the fly and I could run out and get that fish. Just then there is a hunter watching this. That hunter says to himself, if that fly would come down 3 inches, the fish could swim up and eat that fly. Then that bear could run out and eat that fish and I could jump up and shoot that bear. Now there is a mouse watching this. The mouse sees a cheese sandwich in the hunter’s back pocket and thinks to himself, if that fly would come down 3 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would run out and eat the fish, the hunter would jump up and shoot that bear and the cheese sandwich would fall out of his back pocket and I could scurry up and eat that sandwich. Now there is a cat watching this. He thinks to himself, If that fly would come down 3 inches…the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would jump up and shoot the bear, the mouse would scurry up and get the cheese sandwich and I could jump out and get that mouse. Just then, the fly comes down 3 inches. Just as planned, the fish swims up and gets the fly. The bear runs out and eats the fish. The hunter jumps up and shoots the bear and the cheese sandwich falls out of his back pocket. The mouse scurries up and gets the cheese sandwich and the cat jumps out after the mouse and misses and falls in the lake. The moral of this story is: When the fly comes down 3 inches, pussy gets wet.
A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear. Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I’ve had an accident! Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall. What did the old tornado use to walk? A hurri-cane! What’s the strongest shellfish? A mussel! What kind of fish do you find in a mine? A goldfish! Why did the puck glue itself to the ice? It saw the hockey stick! Where do you find tomatoes? On toma-feet! Why did the chicken go to school? To get an eggucation! Why was the piece of steel mean? He was hard-hearted! What happened to the musicians who tried to shoplift from a convenience store? They were band for life! What did the bell say to the loud man? It tolled him to be quiet! How did the boat know it had a leak? It had a sinking feeling… What gem can you burn yourself on? A sapph-fire! What gem is always clean? A soapal! What’s the coldest part of the North Pole? The snow! Which fruit is microscopic? A banano! Why did everyone avoid the cow? He was in a bad moo-d! What did the steak say to the salami? Nice to meat you! Why was the boat’s price half off? Because it was on sail! Which country is the sickest? Germ-any! Who was the cleanest U.S. President? George Wash-ington! What do you call someone who prefers white rice to brown rice? Ricist! Which bug is worth a penny? A cent-ipede! What do you call a sad fruit? Meloncholy! Which U.S. president was a chicken? Theodore Roostervelt! What do you call forks and knives who serve a rich family? Butlery! Why was the bucket worried about her friend? He looked a little pail! How did the hay get out work? He baled! What do you call a line of canoes? A row! What kind of bird builds skyscrapers? A crane! What kind of mammal is used in pastries? A doe! I’m severely allergic to bees…whenever I go near one, I break out in hives! What do you call an Islamic insect? A mosque-ito! It pains me to admit it, but whenever I speak, my throat hurts! What kind of crevice can swim? A fish-sure! Why didn’t the bag tell her friend about her problems? They were purse-onal! How did the hammer contact his friend? With e-nail! When does a lord wake up? Earl-y! What did the orange do when he was told a joke? He burst into peels of laughter! How do you steer a weather horse? With rains! (That’s all I could find. My sense of humour was top notch at 11. EDIT: I assure you I did make these up, whether you believe it or not. More than one person can make obvious puns!)
My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend… I said There’s plenty of fish in the sea. and he replied Yeah, but it’s not just the smell I miss.
Do you like fishsticks? What are you a gay fish
Fisherman’s Joke A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask Why aren’t you in there having sex with your wife? She has gonorrhea Oh, well why don’t you do oral? She has oral herpes Well what about Anal? She has diarrhea So why the hell did you marry her? She has worms Wish I could tell it as good as the old man on the pier did last night, but had to tell someone before I forgot.
man and woman relationship Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments? His new bride said, No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night.. whether you’re here or not.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Give a man to a fish, and the fish will eat for like 6 fucking months!
Feed a man… Feed a man some fish he’ll eat for a day. Feed a man some poison he’ll eat for the rest of his life. Feed a man some fingers and he’ll ask you to stop.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Poison the fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Animal jokes for kids Here is the list of the rest of our animal jokes, puns, and riddles for children and kids: Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bull-dozer. Q: How do you fit more pigs on your farm? A: Build a sty-scraper! Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? A: An udder failure. Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers! Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: They are always stuffed! Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze! Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: Where do polar bears vote? A: The North Poll Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A: Odor in the court! Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch! Q: Why did the snake cross the road? A: To get to the other ssssssside! Q: Why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools. Q: What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? A: A milk dud! Q: When is a well dressed lion like a weed? A: When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion) Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? A: Pleased to eat you. Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? A: He felt funny! Q: What fish only swims at night? A: A starfish! Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh? A: Because it has its own scales! Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? A: An eggroll! Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? A: Because there was a KFC on the other side! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show everyone he wasn’t chicken! Q: Why did the lion spit out the clown? A: Because he tasted funny! Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t chicken! Q: What animals are on legal documents? A: Seals! Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A: A pie-thon! Q: What is ‘out of bounds’? A: An exhausted kangaroo! Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip? A: Bison! Q: Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? A: He thought it was a lion! Q: How do bees get to school? A: By school buzz! Q: What do you call a bear with no ears? A: B! Q: What animal has more lives than a cat? A: Frogs, they croak every night!
What do you call a radioactive Angler? Nuclear fishin’
My best joke… There was a guy who worked for an aquarium called Foud. He was an expert at his job, infact whenever he gave a lecture on the oceans predators he used to say: (hang on, need to get my delivery spot on here. *clears throat*.) Fish are friends, not *Foud*!
You know the vagina of a fish? It’s a fish hole.
How do you capture a polar bear? Cut a big fishing hole in the ice. Wait for the polar bear to bend over the hole to fish. Then run up behind the polar bear and **kick it in the icehole!**
New Tattoo GF got a new sea shell tattoo on her crotch Girl: Babe check out my new tattoo! Boy: Oh yeah a sea shell that’s pretty neat! Girl: Put your ears on it you might hear the ocean Boy : Ok Girl : Can you hear it? Boy : Sadly no.. but i smell the fish
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain’t Stanley . The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain’t Stanley. The mortician asked, How can you tell? Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes. What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two ass-holes.
If you could create a pill, what would it be for and what would the side effects be? and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain’t Stanley . The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain’t Stanley. The mortician asked, How can you tell? Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes. What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two ass-holes.
Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life. Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.
An old man takes his grandson fishing… An old man takes his grandson fishing. A little time passes before the grandfather reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer. Noticing this, the boy goes Hey grandpa, can I have a beer? He replies, well can your penis touch your asshole? No… Well then you’re not old enough to have a beer! A little while later the old man lights a cigarette. Once again the little boy notices this and asks Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette? . The old man replies, can your penis touch your asshole? The little boy replies no Well then you’re not old enough to have a cigarette! Some time passes, and then grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of cookies. The grandpa notices this and says, Are those grandma’s famous chocolate chip cookies? The grandson replies, yep . Can I have one? Well can your penis touch *your* asshole? Why, yes it can! the old man replies smugly. The boy says, well then you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!
A man at a bar asks a girl what’s up baby? She replies I have a boyfriend. He replies I have a gold fish She says What’s that got to do with anything? He looks at her and shrugs Thought we were talking about shit that doesn’t fucking matter…
What’s the difference between a Piano and a Fish? You can tune a piano but you can’t Tuna Fish!
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around we won’t bring you next time!
Police do care! I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category. The Joplin , Missouri Police Department reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The police would not release the dead man’s name until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting someone in Riverton , Kansas. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, nipple rings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt. The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare the man’s family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police Do Care.
The good salesman A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota . Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One . The boss says Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you’re not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), So, how much was your one sale for? The kid looks up at his boss and says $101,237.65 . The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition. The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!? The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’
A teenage boy goes fishing with his grandpa every year during the summer… They’re on the boat one hot day and grandpa’s sipping on a nice ice cold beer; he brings a whole cooler of beers every day. The boy says, Gee grandpa, that beer sure looks tasty, can I have one? Grandpa replies, Well, that depends sonny, is your dick long enough to touch your asshole? Ummm…..no… Well, you can’t have a beer then. The boy goes on another fishing trip with his grandpa next summer. He sees his grandpa having a beer on another blistering hot day. Grandpa, can I pleeeeaasseee have a beer? Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole yet? *sigh* No grandpa, it’s not.. Then you STILL can’t have a beer you little fucker! The next year, the boy pleads to grandpa, Please, please, please, grandpa, can I have a fucking beer?!?! Well that depends… YES GRANDPA, MY DICK IS LONG ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY ASSHOLE NOW!! ……… Well then you can go fuck yourself because this is my beer ya’ little prick!!
Bob dies and his 3 close friends meet at a bar. They meet to discuss what to do with Bob’s ashes. The first friend says Bob and I used to hike a lot so I think we should scatter his ashes in the mountains. The second friend says Well Bob and I used to spend weekends fishing. I think we should put the ashes in his favourite lake. Finally his third friend says What you guys didn’t know is that Bob and I were gay lovers. I want to take Bob’s ashes and put them into my homemade chilli so I can feel him tear through my ass one more time.
The oldest joke in the world: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.
As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown. Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says gee Susie, what’s going on? Susie says I’m digging a hole, it’s pretty obvious. Mr. Johnson asks why are you digging a hole? Susie replies I’m burying my gold fish. Mr Johnson laughs and asks Why is the hole so big? Susie replies Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat . Edit: He will be happy to know you liked it! Not sure he would get the whole reddit front page thing though.
IRS Inquiry The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deck hand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them . Boat Owner: Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally . IRS AUDITOR: That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one . Boat Owner: That would be me. What would you like to know ?
The other day me and my transgender mate Dave saw a bundle of mosquitoes eating several trout….. Dave asked – How did they get them ? I said – fly fishing and yes he is transgender.
Two Fish there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said do you know how to drive this thing BECAUSE THE FISH ARE DRIVEING THE TANK IN A WAR
Three guys named Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses go out upon the sea, upon a boat… The boat rocks gently side-to-side. They each think for a moment how best to catch fish. Jesus decides to reveal his divinity, and so he climbs out of the boat and runs around catching the fish in a big sphere. Moses recognizes Jesus’s divinity and decides to show his own heavenly credentials. Moses stretches his arms upward and the waters pull apart in a big column, setting the boat softly down, and the fish fall out of the walls of water, and down onto the boat and rocky soil. Jesus climbs down along the water and exclaims in delight. Muhammad blows himself up and all of the fish splatter everywhere, revealing first… A beautiful mound of perfectly cooked fish rests in the center of what was the boat, but has become a charred wooden bowl. The water column splashes back gently, mixing water with fish parts creating a wall of sauce, and some of it splatters onto the food in the center. Jesus and Moses both, of course, survive the blast, and even Muhammad reappears out of the cloud of his own body dust and Jesus and Moses both cheer happily. They all enjoy a feast of the nicely cooked fish.
One hot august day in a forest… …there was a pond, and on this pond was a leaf, and on this leaf was a fly. Now the fly noticed that if it moved about three inches down the leaf it would catch some mist off the pond, and cool down a bit. Now in the pond there was a Fish, and the fish noticed that if the fly moved down about three inches, it would be able to jump up out of the water and eat the fly. Now next to the pond behind a tree there was a Bear, and the bear noticed that if the fly moved down about three inches, the fish would jump out of the water to get the fly and the bear could come out from behind the tree and catch the fish for dinner. Now across from the pond eating a cheese sandwich was a Hunter, and the hunter noticed that if the fly moved down about three inches, the fish would jump out of the water to get the fly and the bear would come out from behind the tree to catch the fish and the hunter could drop his cheese sandwich and shoot the bear. Now in a log next to the hunter was a mouse, and the mouse noticed that if the fly moved down about three inches, the fish would jump out of the water to get the fly and the bear would come out from behind the tree to catch the fish and the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear and the mouse could come out of his log to get the cheese sandwich. Now behind the log there was a Cat, and the cat noticed that if the fly moved down about three inches, the fish would jump out of the water to get the fly and the bear would come out from behind the tree to catch the fish and the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear and the mouse would come out of its log to eat the cheese sandwich and the cat could jump out from behind the log to get the mouse. SO, sure enough, the Fly moves down about three inches, the Fish jumpes out of the water, the Bear comes out from behind the tree, the Hunter droppes his sandwich, the Mouse comes out of the log, the Cat jumpes over the log to get the Mouse and misses and falls in the pond. TL/DR if the fly moves down about three inches, some pussy is gonna get wet. Edit: formatting
An old man is down on his luck and needs a drink. He stops at the busy tavern hoping someone will buy him one. He tells everyone in earshot that if anyone puts a piece of wood in front of him, he can tell them what type of wood it is and where it came from just by smelling it, if they buy him a drink. The bartender says okay and accepts. A crowd is gathering and the old man is blindfolded and he places his hands behind his back. The bartender brings out a baseball bat from under the bar and says Alright, what kind of wood is this? The old man bends over and gives the bat a long sniff. He stands upright and says That wood is ash and it comes from Kentucky . The bartender is amazed and gives him a drink. A few minutes later a couple of redneck looking guys make him the same challenge. One of them goes out to his pickup truck and gets a 2 x 4. Again blindfolded with his hands behind his back the old man gives the 2 x 4 a great sniff. He declares this is spruce and it is from Canada. The rednecks are amazed and get him a drink. A few minutes later an old old woman sitting at the end of the bar offers the old man the same challenge. The old man is blindfolded once more and places his hands behind his back. The old woman pulls an old wooden dildo out of her purse. The old man bends over and takes a mighty sniff. He snaps his head back up quickly grimacing. He bends over once more and gives another big sniff. Again his head snaps up and he grimaces. He then shakily says I don’t know what kind of wood it is, but I know it came off the shithouse door of a fishing boat.
A Couple Went on a Cruise… A couple had been dating for a while, and the man loved the woman very much. He decided he wanted to propose, so he purchased an expensive ring, booked a spectacular cruise, and told his girlfriend to meet him at the fanciest restaurant on the boat at seven. He got there a bit early–around six o’clock–to prepare. The entrance to the restaurant was across from the railing of the boat, and he looked out into the sea and pondered this huge event. He took out the ring and looked at it. Is this the person I want to marry? he asked himself. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her? I love her, but… do I love her forever?? He began to get antsy. Just as he realized that he loved her more than he could bear, that nothing could keep them apart for the rest of their days, and that this was the time to propose, a big wave crashed along the side of the boat, knocking the ring into the ocean. It was seven o’clock. Disappointed, but undeterred, he went into the restaurant to meet his beloved. He sat down with her, trying to determine the best way to pop the question. The waiter came around and offered the specials, which they took without thinking. He got a lovely steak, and she got fresh fish, caught from the side of the boat. For what felt like an eternity, he worked up the courage and found the right time to propose. The food came out, and he began. She cut into the fish just as he asked her those fateful words… and guess what was inside the fish? [The Dancing Cookie.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33v1ba/the_dancing_cookie/)
Two rednecks decide to go on a fishing trip… They rent a boat and find a nice spot in the lake. Hours go by and nothing, not a single bite. They go to another spot, same. Another spot, not a fish to be had. They go all over wondering if there are any fish at all. Ready to head in, they speed towards what they think is the dock, but they end up in a little cove. Lo and behold, the fish are practically jumping into the boat. The lures barely touch the water before there is a bite. Eventually their coolers are packed so full of fish they have to call it a day. They return the boat and regale over their miraculous finding. That was amazing. But I have no clue how we got there. How are we going to find that spot again? I’ve got that covered. I put an ‘X’ on the bottom of our boat. You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same boat again?
Why was Hitler better than Jesus (offensive)? Belated Hitler birthday joke! Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
How do you get a goldfish’s attention? A U! Fish!
