You Won’t Believe The Crazy Things People Say About Flying!

…They hear this load bang, and then some alarms go off. Uh…This is your captain speaking. We seem to have taken damage to our engines and the plane is going down. Please grab a parachute and exit the plane immediately. Because this is not a ship, I don’t plan on going down with it The passengers watch as the pilot jumps out of the plane. In a panic, they quickly scramble to the parachutes, only to find that they are one short. The Policeman is the first to grab one and says I’m a…police chief…yeah…and my department…needs me. Really bad. As he jumps out of the plane. Then the surgeon grabs one. I save hundreds of lives a year and without me, my great city would be at a loss. And he jumped out the plane. Then the grandson, only about 5 years old scrambles to grab a parachute, only to have lawyer yank it out of his hands. Listen you little brat. You think you’re ever going to amount to half the man I am? I may be the smartest man in the world. I make sure people see justice, and the world would be a terrible place without me. And then he jumped out the plane. The grandfather knelt down in front of his grandson with a sad look on his face. Hey squirt. You are going to take the last one. You have a long life ahead of you. I want you to make the… Don’t worry grandpa, we have enough parachutes for the both of us. The ‘smartest man in the world’ took my school backpack. A Policeman, Heart Surgeon, Lawyer, Grandfather and his Grandson are flying in on a plane…

…two white, and one black are about an hour into their charter flight when the pilot calls them to the cockpit. When they get there the pilot says, Look, we don’t have a lot of time, so I’m not gonna bullshit you. This plane’s gonna crash. The passengers are stunned, but the pilot continues, This aircraft is outfitted with three parachutes. The FAA is gonna need to debrief me, so that only leaves two. You guys are gonna have to decide who stays behind. In a flash, the formerly friendly passengers are brawling. Punching, kicking, biting like savages. Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Everybody calm the fuck down!! , the pilot screams while breaking it up. Gimme a minute, I’ll think of something. Alright, I got it. Now we have even less time, so I’ll try to make this easy. The pilot continues, I’ll ask each of you a question, and the first one to get it wrong stays behind. Deal? . Deal! , The passengers reply in unison. Turning to the first passenger, a white guy, the pilot asks him, What’s the worst accident in maritime history? That’s easy! , the passenger replies, The sinking of the Titanic. Absolutely correct. Good work. The pilot turns then to the second passenger, a white guy, and asks, And how many people were killed? . With no hesitation at all the second man says, Around 1,500. Just as quickly, the pilot replies, Right, well done! Turning to the third passenger to ask him his question, the pilot, smiling, says, Name ’em. Three Businessmen…

…until the planes came in 9/11 was an outside job…

…when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning. Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Minnesota’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today…

…when all of the sudden a UFO lands in front of them. Two aliens, one female and other male, walk out of the ship and approach the couple. Don’t panic, says the female alien, we come in peace! We were travelling by and noticed your lovely planet and decided we’d like a tour from the local intelligent species. The human male looks at his wife suspiciously, when the male aliens adds, Here’s the deal we’re offering for such a tour: we will give you each $20 million a year for every year you take us around your planet and show us your cultures. The wife says to her husband, I thinks it sounds good, and he agrees. So for 5 years the two couple, alien and human, tour Earth and see everything there is to see. At the end of the tour the aliens return the humans to their house and thank them for the tour and give them the $100 million. Your planet is amazing, I’m so glad we stopped, thank you for showing it to us, says the female alien. We have experienced everything about human culture now, except one thing: sex. So we have one more offer for you before we leave: for an additional $50 million each, we ask you two to swap couples with us for one night so we may experience human sex. $100 million more?! Yeah, we’ll do it! exclaim the human couple. The male alien takes the wife to one room and the female alien takes the husband to another. The male alien and the wife disrobe and the alien says to her, Before we start I want to show you something. Punch me in the nose. What? Punch me in the nose. So the wife punches him in the nose and the alien’s penis gets bigger. Now, twist my ears, he says. She twists his ears and his penis gets smaller. Wow! I wish my husband was like that! Four punches and a twist later they’re going at it like crazy and it is the best sex the wife has ever had. The next morning the aliens pay up the extra $100 million and leave. The wife turns to her husband and says, Wow, last night was amazing! How was your night, Honey? That crazy bitch kept punching me in the nose! A middle aged couple are walking in a deserted park together…

…when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laughs are heard as the cockpit door closes. It must be a joke– after all, two blind pilots would never be allowed to fly an airliner. The plane taxis to the runway and accelerates to take-off speed. It starts to seem as though the plane is taking a little longer than usual to nose up, and some passengers begin to fidget nervously. More seconds tick by and the plane is still zooming along on the ground, and *all* the passengers are nervous. Finally, the plane nears the end of the runway, and every passenger screams in terror, unable to contain themselves. The plane suddenly jerks upward and clears the runway just in time. A sigh of relief passes over the whole cabin. A few laughs are heard. It was part of the joke all along! Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the captain and first officer are setting their course. The first officer turns to the captain and says You know Earl, I hate to say this, but one day they aren’t gonna scream, and we’re not gonna know when to take off. So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles…

…when the PA comes on. The captain says, Alright everyone we’ll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off. There’s a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, Man, you know what I could really go for right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee. A flight attendant gasps and immediately runs to the cockpit to tell the captain the microphone is still on. Right then the man in the back yells, Hey lady, you forgot the cup of coffee!! A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off…

…when the pilot says over the speakers- *Ping*! You are now free to move about the cabin. The blonde calmly gets up from her seat in second class, strolls over to an empty seat in first class, and promptly gets herself situated. One of the newer flight attendants notices this, so, naturally, she heads over to the blonde and tells her: Excuse me, Ma’am, did you happen to just come from second class and sit down here, in first class? Yes, I did, the blonde remarks, Is this a problem? Well, yes, it is. I’m afraid you’ll have to return to your seat in second class. Look, lady, I’m a blonde, I’m sitting in first class, and I’m heading for Toronto. *Period*. The attendant is quite new at her job, so she heads to the cockpit of the plane to get help from the copilot. The copilot returns and repeats the you have to move back speech , but the blonde woman yet again returns with Look; I’m a blonde, I’m sitting in first class, and I’m heading for Toronto. **Period**. The copilot doesn’t want any trouble, so he heads back to the cockpit and tells the pilot about the situation. You man the controls, rookie. My wife is a blonde- I can take care of this. The pilot walks over to the blonde woman, whispers something into her hear, and she suddenly gets up and returns to her second class seat without hesitating. That was amazing! the flight attendant told the pilot, What did you say to her to make her move so eagerly? I told her that first class doesn’t go to Toronto. A blonde woman is in a plane bound for Toronto…

…whose only passions in life are job, family, and the gym. So for his 30’th birthday the wife decides to take him someplace a little racey – just so he can let his hair down and have some unconventional fun for a change. Oh let’s NOT go here! , begged Mike as the cab pulls in front of the local Gentleman’s Club on his cake day. Let’s just go have a nice dinner someplace quiet. But the wife isn’t having it. She’s going to get him into the club come Desert fucking Storm. The entire time she’s got him by his coat sleeves and pulling him toward the entrance, Mike cannot stop complaining and offering alternative spots. Hey Mike – how’s it going! – says the Club’s doorman. The wife stops for a second. Mike – have you been here before? Mike takes a deep breath and retorts: No. No. He’s just a guy who works out with me at the Gym – but let’s go someplace else… The wife is undettered. Before you know it, they’re giving their coats to the girl at the coat-check. Hiiiii Mike sings the checkout girl. The wife shoots Mike a look and does a half-smile. You suuuuuure you haven’t been here before? Mike lets out a breath of exasperation. She’s the girl who signs people in at the gym honey. Nothing more! The wife seems to buy it, but clearly some doubts are starting to set in. So they get inside and sit down to enjoy the show. The wife looks rather intrigued by the entertainment, but Mike seems super uncomfortable. This perfectly titted, topless little cocktail waitress comes over to take the drink orders. The usual gin and tonic Mike? At this point the wife starts to come unhinged. Mike?? The Usual gin and tonic!? Am I the LAST person on the planet to find out you drink and hang out in strip clubs??!!! Tell me I’m not Mike!! Mike complies. No you’re not honey! I mean, she’s an aerobics instructor at the gym! And… Now the wife is hurt and angry. She starts to storm out of the place while Mike follows – with lame explanations. The wife starts emoting. You know, I could accept that you drink behind my back and stuff a few bucks down the g-strings of underage sluts in seedy clubs all over the city every now and again!! But DON’T lie to my fucking face like I’m a god-damned idiot! Mike is now profusely apologizing and trying to smooth things over. His explanations keep getting lamer and lamer as the wife hails a cab. She gets in. Mike follows right in behind her. As the wife continues her verbal assault, the cab driver starts laughing. She turns her wrath on the poor hapless cabby. You know, you can just go ahead and mind your own fucking business any time now!!! The cabby smiles broadly as he looks at Mike in his rear view mirror. Hell of a bitch you picked up tonight Mike. So Mike is this straight-laced corporate workaholic…

..he see’s another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering. Oh buddy, he said. What happened? Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy’s mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I’m frFReezing!. The other flea took pity on him and gave him some advice. Look man, you want to warm up? Go to the airport. Look for a room called ‘Stewardess Lounge’ and in there is a bathroom. Jump on a toilet seat and wait for a hairy paradise to fall from the sky! So a month goes by and the flea is walking down the beach again. He stumbles upon the same flea; frozen and shivering. What happened?! Did you go to the place we talked about? Did the hairy paradise fall from the sky? It d-d-did. said the frozen flea. I was in the hairy paradise, than sSu-suddenly I’m in some guy’s mMMmustache! A flea walks down the beach…

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing. WHOAAHhh bear, that’s a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it? Well bunny, i’m not an alcoholic like you replies the bear. The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari. Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this! The Fox, grabbing a towel out of its back pocket gives the bunny a dirty look and mutters I don’t spend every acorn i earn on booze.. The bunny, amazed, takes another swig of vodka and hops his way back into the woods. As everyone is adding the finishing touches to their rides, ready to open the show to the public, a helicopter lands in the middle of it all with the bunny in the pilot seat. He barely makes two hops and throws up. Wow bunny.. how on earth did you ever manage to afford that?! the amazed onlookers exclaim. *hic*.. turned in my empties All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read. The first rule of flight club is..

[insert your own punchline here] I was talking to a pilot buddy, and I asked him who his passengers were today. He said: Some lungs, a liver & three surgeons. I thought that sounded like the start of a good joke but couldn’t think of a clever way of finishing it. Any suggestions? [punchline request] Some lungs, a liver and 3 surgeons are flying in an airplane

[Link to original](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar) So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. A guy walks into a bar… (From the New Yorker)

> I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. > I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. > I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. > I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. > I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. > I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. > Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. > One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! > I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. My travel plans for 2016…

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming. • Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake. • Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes. • Infantry: Look, a putty cat. Come ‘ere kitty….Ouch! Hey, that’s not a putty tat. • Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can’t find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called The Snake. • Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it. • 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake’s home and secures it for use by friendly snakes. • MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority. • JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture. • Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for Snake, Green, One Each, as non-expendable unit property. • Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, UTRWBAG (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999. • Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety. • Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. • Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost. • Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere. • AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane. • AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life. • Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes. Edit-formatting Reaction to Snakes

1. Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear. 2. Upon closer inspection, trendy desert-pastel paint job turns out to be primer yellow and Bondo pink. 3. Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot. 4. Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion. 5. Just before takeoff, the flight attendant offers coffee, tea, or Valium. 6. Air sickness bags are printed with the Lord’s Prayer. 7. Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them. Seven indicators that you’ve chosen the wrong airline.

1. how does hitler solve maths questions? he uses concentration 2. why did hitler kill himself? he got his gas bill 3. what does hitler and usian bolt have in common? usian bolt can finish a race 4. how do you get hitler in an volkswagon? tell him its a race 5. whats hitlers least favorite planet? jewpiter 6. whats hitlers least favorite pokemon? pikajew 7. what is hitlers least favorite month? jewly 8.how did hitlers wife die? took the wrong shower 9. why wasnt hitler invited to barbacues? he kept burning the franks 10. what did hitler say to his wife when they picked up a toy? how much does this holla cost 11. what did hitler say to his teacher when he was watching tv? cant jew see im watching tv 12. knock knock (whos there) hitler (hitler who) cant jew see who i am! 13. what does hitler drink everyday? jewce 14. whats hitlers least favorite things you wear? jewerly Hitler Jokes

1. So, this gay dude was traveliing, and when he was above pacific ocean he felt this deep urge to have his donut penetrated. So he looked to his side and there was this guy who kind of realized what he wanted. The gay dude looked at him and said: So?… Wanna do it? . The guy immediately said: Are you crazy? This plane is almost full of people! There’s no way I’ll do it. As the gay dude replied: Well, I’m pretty sure almos all of them are sleeping, and I’ll prove you. So he stood up, started to walk along the airplane corridors saying: Cigarrete anyone? Does anybody have a cigarrete? . And nobody aswered cause you can’t smoke in a fucking airplane. So the gay dude sat down and told the guy: See? Noboy answered, everybody’s asleep. The guy thought Oh fuck it, let’s do it . And they began to do it right on their seats. But there was this old man, watching the whole thing, so he called the stewardess and said to her: Ma’am I’m really really cold! . As she said: Ok sir, I’ll get a blanket for you, but why didn’t you asked for it in the first place? , the old man looked at her and said: What? Are you insane?That guy asked for one cigarrete and got fucked in the ass! A gay in an airplane.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own. 26 groaners

1. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is 2. What’s the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message 3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson’s funeral? Nothing 4. What’s white on top and black on the bottom? Society 5. What’s the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians 6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet. 7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead 8. What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn’t pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer 10. Who’s the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin 11. What’s the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race 12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt 13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero 14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can’t talk right now, gotta catch a flight 15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter 16. What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion 17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer Dark jokes

14. ***** How do you put an elephant inside a refrigerator in 3 steps? 1. open the door 2. put the elephant in 3. close the door ***** How do you put a giraffe inside a refrigerator in 4 steps? 1. open the door 2. remove the elephant 3. put in the giraffe 4. close the door ***** An animal party is being thrown at Lilly the Lion’s house. Every animal was invited. Every animal came, except for one. Which animal didn’t come? The giraffe. He was stuck in a refrigerator ***** An old man is walking along a nature path, enjoying his last years on earth. A warning sign appears, warning about the dangerous man eating crocodiles in the river ahead. He gets to the river, to find out there is no bridge! He looks left, he looks right, but his feet are quite tired and he doesn’t feel like looking for a bridge, log, or anything to get him across without going in the river. So, he removes his socks and shoes and walks across the dirty river. Why didn’t the crocodiles attack him? They were still at the animal party. ***** As the old man finally gets across, he becomes quite tired, and rests. He shouldn’t have pushed himself so much, walking along such a long trail. When he gets up to continue, he dies suddenly. How did he die? A box fell out of an airplane and killed him. This joke works better told than read. There are 15 boxes in an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

1st place went to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370! Sarah Palin

1st place went to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370! So I heard, that after a long debate, they finally announced the hide and seek champion of 2014.

2 construction workers are standing at the pub. One of them says, ‘Oh man, I made the worst freudian slip the other day!’ The other one says, ‘Why? What happened?’ The first man says, ‘I was buying a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman working the ticket stall had big boobs. I was going to say, ‘One ticket to Pittsburgh’, but I accidentally said, ‘One picket to titsburgh.’ ‘Oh, that’s nothing.’ The second man said, ‘This morning my wife and I were having breakfast. I was going to ask to Please pass the butter , But I accidentally said, YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! Freudian Slips

2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps . Roger says the co-pilot. The pilot says, That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps. After a second, the pilot screams, The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down! . The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, Wow, that runway was really short and the pilot says, Yes, but look how wide it is. 2 Newfies are landing a airplane

22\. One to screw the bulb in, two to hold the glass cover, three to hold the three ladders which each of these men are standing on, four out on a boat trying to use light signals to communicate that the light isn’t on yet, and 12 celtic band players singing to convince the three men that a fall down 20 flights of stairs would be painful. How many people does it take to change a lighthouse bulb?

3 gay men died and were all cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral at the same time. They started discussing what to do with their lover’s ashes. The first guy says: Gary loved to fly. I’m going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky. The second guy says: Mike was a great fisherman. I’m going to spread his ashes in our favorite lake. The third guy says: I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of 5-alarm chili so he can tear up my ass one more time. At the Funeral

3 Generals one from the Army, one from Marines, and one from the Air Force are having a contest. A contest to see who’s troops have the biggest balls. The Air Force general looks to one of his best pilots and shouts You..Pilot..take that fighter to 10000ft and then go straight down and pull up at 200ft. The pilot does so and pulls up at 200ft and explodes into a firey ball when he hits the ground. The Air Force general looks at other two and says You see that there’s no way that pilot could have ever pulled that off, but since Air Force troops have the most balls he tried anyway. The Marine general then yells out You…Marine…go stop that tank…WITH YOUR FACE!! . The marine runs over to a tank driving by and smashes his face against the armor and is then crushed into a bloody mess under the treads. The general looks to the other two and explains, YOU SEE THAT….MARINES HAVE SUCH BIG BALLS THEY’LL TRY TO STOP A TANK WITH THEIR FACE. The Army General points to a C130 and tells the other two Follow me and get on this plane. The 3 general board the plane and ride to 1200 feet. The Army General looks at a soldier.. YOU PRIVATE…give me your parachute. The private does so. The general points to the door of the plane and says Now jump out! . The private hesitates and then snaps to attention… Sir! he’s says What soldier?! the general replies. FUCK YOU SIR!!! . The Army General looks at the Marine and Air Force general and smiles. We’re done here . 3 Generals are having a contest.

3 guys were the only survivors of a plane crash. They were at the top of a mountain with no food and nothing to drink. After a few days they were so hungry that one of them took a piece of his leg with a knife and fed himself and the other two. A couple a days later they were once again hungry, so the second guy took a piece of his butt cheek and fed himself and the others. Three more days went by and the third guy didn’t look like giving away a piece of himself.The other two complained and he finally pulled down his pants, jerked off in a cup and gave it to them, saying: You won’t get a piece of me, I hope a glass of milk does it . 3 guys stuck in the middle of nowhere

3 guys were walking through the jungle, a black guy, a white guy, and a Puerto Rican. They were walking away from a plane crash, uninjured, when they were captured by a cannibalistic indigenous tribe of indians. Taking the 3 men to the tribe’s village, they were told by the only english speaking man that they were to be eaten, skinned and have their bones used for paddles and skin for their canoes. The english speaking villager then said As is our custom, all of our prisoners are allowed one request before death other then freedom . Looking at each man as they pondered, he goes to the white man and and asks what is his final request. The white man looks at him and says it has been a long time since I had a woman. The villager brings out 3 young women from the tribe and they take him to the nearest hut to have sex. The villager then turns to the black man and asks what would his final request be. The black ponders and starts crying as he is asking if he could write one letter to his family before he died to tell them he loves them. The villager nods and tells him the village will send the letter to a neighboring town that has postal access. As the black man walks to the hut to write his good byes, the villager turns to the puerto rican and asks him what his final request is. The man ponders for a bit and asks for a fork and to see his friends one last time. The villager is confused and asks if he is sure. The villager tells him we have women drugs and alcohol. The man tells him Just a fork The men are rounded up finally and as the english speaking villager walks away after giving the fork to the puerto rican. The puerto rican grips his fork and starts stabbing the shit out the black guy and the white guy, and finally himself all while shouting fuck this boat, fuck that boat, and fuck this boat. A Puerto Rican Joke

3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest. The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one. Teacher: what about the children!?! Lawyer: fuck the children! Priest: is there time? 6 people in a plane

3 men are being flown in an old-fashioned airplane with no windows. They’re all enjoying the aerial view of the city when one of the guys finishes an apple, and throws the core off of the plane. The second guy follows his example, finishes his banana, and throws the peel off the plane. The third guy, isn’t eating anything, but unbeknownst to the pilot and other passengers, is carrying a bomb to blow up the plane. He starts the countdown sequence, but it slips out of his hands and also starts to fall down. Meanwhile, in the city below, a doctor is performing a surgery, when a little girl comes running in. Doctor, doctor, I tripped on an apple core while playing soccer, and I broke my shin! The doctor replies, Oh my, that looks terrible, I’ll help you right after this surgery. The doctor continues his surgery, but another boy comes running in. Doctor, doctor, I slipped on a banana peel while playing basketball and I shattered my wrist! The doctor replies, Thats horrible, I’ll see to you right after this surgery and this little girl. Finally, as the doctor is about to complete his surgery, a chubby kid walks into the room, scared and out of breath. The doctor states, Did you break somethin to? The kid shakes his head. The doctor ask, Well, then what happened? I farted, and the building next to me blew up. One of my favorite jokes as a kid

3 men are flying in a small aircraft over the jungle and crash. As they try and fix the plane they are seized by a local canibalistic tribe. The tribe leader explained to them that if they want to live, then they must go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit; If they try to escape, they will be hunted and killed. The first man gets back to the tribe with 10 apples. The tribe leader tells him he must put all 10 up his bum without making any facial expressions if we wants to be let free. The man gets to 3 and winces in pain, he is killed and eaten. The 2nd man gets back with 10 blueberrys. He gets to 8 blueberrys up his bum before he started laughing and was killed and eaten While in heaven, the first man asks the second, Why did you start laughing? You were so close! The second man responded, I saw the 3rd man walking back with 10 pineapples! So close to survival

3 men board a plane. As the plane was flying over their destination, one of the men threw a apple out of the plane. The second man threw an orange out of the plane and the third man threw a bomb out of the plane. When the plane landed, the men got out of the plane and went their separate ways. The man who threw the apple sees a girl crying and asked her what was wrong. She replied with an apple fell from the sky and hit my head. The second man sees a small boy crying. He asks him what happened and he replied with an orange fell from the sky and hit my head. The third man sees an old man laughing as hard as he can. He asks him what was so funny and the old man replied with I farted and that building over there blew up! Not sure if repost. It’s one of my favourite jokes. 3 men board a plane

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they’re to go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the exact same fruit and bring them back here for judgement. If they fail the judgement then they will be eaten! The Chief also informs that if they try to run and hide, they will be easily hunted down and also eaten! The 3 men scatter and about an hour later 2 of the 3 have returned. The Chief summons the first man forward who has with him 10 apples. The Chief informs the first man to shove all 10 apples up his bottom one by one and if he shows any sign of discomfort, he will be taken away to be eaten. If he were to succeed, the natives will build him a boat and he can leave. The first man puts one apple up his backside and is fine. He begins to put the second one up but screams in pain! The local natives grab him and begin to tie him up to prep him for eating. The Chief summons the second man forward who has gathered 10 berries. The Chief tells him the same deal. The second man puts the first berry up, the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, ninth and as he is about to put the last one up he begins bursting out with laughter. The local natives grab him and also tie him up, throwing him to the ground where the first man is tied up. The first man says to the second man – What happened, you were on the last berry why did you start laughing? – the second man still laughing, motions with his head over to the distance where the first man spots the third man coming back with… Pineapples Stranded unfortunately…

5 minutes before landing in Melbourne the pilot says to the passengers ‘ Good morning everyone, we hope you enjoyed your flight with Qantas. It is currently 14 degrees and cloudy. Have a great day’ After the speech the pilot puts the mic down forgetting to mute it. So the other pilot goes on to saying… ‘ So what are u going to do when we land’? ‘Well first im gonna get something to eat, take a shit then im gonna bang the blonde flight attendant at the back. The flight attendant runs to front trying to warn the pilot to turn the mic off when she suddenly trips over an old ladies hand bag. The old lady looks down and says. ‘ Slow down love he has to take a shit first’! Slow Down Love

5 people were in a plane and the plane was going down. But there was only 4 parachutes. A mother, father, brother, sister and a baby and they all jump out of the plane and forgot about the baby. Then the baby comes down and says me not silly, me not dumb. Me pull nappies off my bum. Baby not dumb

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left? _502._ How do you put an elephant in a fridge? _Open door, put elephant in, close door._ How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? _Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door._ The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? _The giraffe. He’s in a fridge._ Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How? _The gators are at the party._ Sally dies anyway. Why? _She got hit in the head by a flying brick._ — **EDIT:** Dang, over 300 points? That’s pretty surprising! A long series of jokes

96 and a plane. How many Poles need to cut tree?

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Johnny says: I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane. The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. And how about you, Sarah? I wanna be Johnny’s Prostitute. Johny the Fighter Pilot

A $338million Powerball winner paid $30,000 in back child support while laughing and laughing and laughing. A thief attempting to steal an ivory tusk from a museum failed on Saturday, but how he failed exactly is irrelephant. March Madness has come and gone, so see a doctor if you have a basketball erection lasting more than four hours. A Zumba instructor in Maine has been found guilty of prostitution, though her plea deal has moved her from Insanity to regular P90X. Vermont police are on the search for a missing Sasquatch statue. The search began by questioning all local shotgun-wielding redneck statues. Arianna Huffington is being sued over alleged damages to a loft she rented in Chelsea. See also huffpo.com/55-bikini-Babes-named-Chelsea. An NRA plan to arm adults in schools really just sounds like a shot in the dark. A Seattle Easter egg hunt broke out into a fistfight, reminding us all the true reason for the season; violent murder. An Easter bunny was pulled over on a motorcycle Sunday for not wearing a helmet. Hippity, hoppity, massive brain trauma’s on its way. Pat Robertson has stated that more educated people experience miracles less often, but not everyone defines toaster strudels as miracles. Former Atlanta school chief was caught cheating on state tests for more funding. She was caught when no students ended an essay with #yolo. An Arkansas oil pipeline rupture spilled over 12,000 barrels of oil. We’re rich! screamed the local, dying wildlife. Philadelphia hired mimes on Monday to encourage driving safety. The experiment was cut short when an invisible wall stopped all traffic. A Brazilian woman was nearly killed by a train after jumping to the tracks to retrieve her cell phone. So close, said Darwin. An April Fools day prank claimed a Virginia Waffle House had been robbed. Local police scattered, smothered, and covered the area. A man using a tree as target practice took a ricocheted bullet to an unspecified body part. Yeah, how you like us now, bitch? – The Lorax A German cold snap killed 300 performing fleas. Thankfully, the Germans who enjoy a flea circus were equally entertained by more drinking. Detroit airport shut down for two hours Monday when a passenger was spotted with something unusual for Detroit; steady employment and hope. A Herr’s potato chip truck was stolen outside a Philly convenience store. Charlie Day is suspected to have cut the brakes. WILDCARD BITCHES! All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter. Friday Update – Jokes for the week of 3/30-4/5

A 20 something gentleman is at the airport and tries to buy a 15 tickets. She looks behind the man to see 14 children behind him. She asks if they were all his. He says no that he works for Trojan and they were all customer complaints. Customer complaints

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London. After the captain shutdown the engines you could still hear the whining. A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London

a amarican a Hollander and a ????? [fill in for yourself](former member of a terror organisation) went on a airplain. after a while above a city the pilot said MADAY-MADAY we’re gonna crash, we need to drop someting. the amarican said: i will drop down a bunch of fast-food, we have enough of it anyway after a while it happened again the pilot said MADAY-MADAY we’re gonna crash, we need to drop someting else. the dutchman said, i will drop down some of our cheese. we have enough of it anyway and once again the pilot said MADAY-MADAY we’re gonna crash, we need to drop someting else. the ?????? said i will drop down some of our BOMBS when they landed they went in the city. they find a little boy crying. they asked why he was crying. the boy answered: *there fell down a bunch of fast food on my head* they stopped him crying and went on. then they find a girl crying. they asked why she was crying. she answered *a bunch of cheese fell down on my, i barily escaped* they stopped her from crying further. after a while they heard a boy laughing very hard. they asked *boy* why are you laughing so hard? the boy answered: *i farted and the school exploded* **the end** a very funny joke (might be offensive)

A baby falling out of an airplane. What’s up in the sky, oh so high?

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest and they find a genie’s magic lamp. Stoked on life, they pick up the lamp and rub it. Out comes the, who bellows you may have three wishes each. The bear makes the first wish. Guys, ive got it. I wish that every bear in this forest was female, except myself. Your wish is my command booms the genie. He snaps his fingers and the wish is granted. And what is your first wish, rabbit? I wish i had a little rabbit sized scooter. Squeaks the rabbit. … ok.. your wish is my command. He snaps his fingers and a small scooter appears sitting in the grass of the forest. And what is your second wish, bear? Oh my god guys, this time i really got it. Says the over excited bear. I wish that every bear on this PLANET, but me was female. .. ok bear, your wish is my command, booms the genie. Good luck repopulating. And rabbit, what is your second wish? I wish i had a little rabbit sized helmet. Squeaks the rabbit. The genie hangs his head, sighs, and snaps his fingers. A little rabbit sized helmet appears hanging from the handle bars of the scooter. Now bear, what is your third and final wish? Booms the exasperated genie. Dear sweet baby jesus, this time ive really got it! Shouts the bear. I wish that every bear in this entire universe, except myself, from now until the end of time will be female! Fine, you horny mother fucker. Your wish is my command. He snaps his fingers and grants his wish. Now get out of my face, im choking on your hormones over here. Now rabbit, for the love of god let me return to an eternity of imprisonment. What is your third and final wish? The rabbit says nothing. He walks over to his scooter, does up his helmet, and starts riding away as fast as he can. When he’s a safe distance away, he looks back over his shoulder and shouts, I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY! A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest..

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts hijack! . All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says oh hi Ahmed, didn’t expect to see you here.. A bearded guy

A beautiful, buxom blonde woman was on a plane that was about to crash, and amid the panic she giggled and said, don’t worry, I spoke to the pilot and the plane won’t crash, and amazingly at that point the plane stabilized. Everyone was amazed, and asked her how she knew it would be okay, and she said, it’s easy, my boyfriend is the pilot, and he does EVERYTHING I tell him, so I said don’t crash the plane . Later, during the same flight, the blonde decided to go to the cockpit to give her boyfriend and in flight treat. When she opened the cockpit door, she saw her boyfriend having sex with sexy redhead. The blonde was really upset and said, Why don’t you just crash the plane like you crashed my heart? Those were the last words recorded on the flight recorder. We should have booked a different flight

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60’s luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger. The billionaire is stunned. I’ve spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60’s has ever known. Why won’t you come inside? John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: You forgot The Doors. A billionaire decides to build a palace

A biplane. Jesus, the first pin up model

A biplane. What do you call an airplane that has sex with both men and women?

A Biplane. What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women?

A bird comes up to him and says, I’ll bet you I can beat this plane to NY. The man laughs, and says, That’s impossible! You’re on. The flight lands on time in NY. The man gets off the plane and the bird is nowhere to be found. 10 minutes later, the bird shows up. Aha! the man says. I knew you couldn’t beat this plane. The bird shakes his head. Yeah, you got me. I broke my wing. I’ve been walking since Chicago. A man is waiting at the airport for his LA – NY flight.

A bird comes up to him and says, I’ll bet you I can beat this plane to NY. The man laughs, and says, That’s impossible! You’re on. The flight lands on time in NY. The man gets off the plane and the bird is nowhere to be found. 10 minutes later, the bird shows up. Aha! the man says. I knew you couldn’t beat this plane. The bird shakes his head. Yeah, you got me. I broke my wing. I’ve been walking since Chicago. Nine out of ten dentists agree that the tenth one needs to chill out.

A bit long, but worth it. A husband is travelling abroad on a business meeting in a couple of days, and worried that his wife is going to cheat on him, he decides he wants to buy something spicy for her to enjoy while he is away, so she wont need other men to satisfy her needs. He visits the nearest sex shop, and after looking at different goods, the store owner comes over. He asks the husband what he is looking for, and the husband tells him why hes there. The store owner tells the husband to come out back, where he has something truly special for his wife: a voodo dick. The husband, curious of course, asks whats so special about this dildo, and the store owner explains: This is a magical dildo. Use the codeword voodo dick, and give it a location, and see what happens. The husband looks a bit suspicious at the owner, but says: Voodo dick, keyhole . The voodo dick flies into the air, and starts ramming the keyhole over and over. The husband, thrilled with this new fantastic sextoy, pays the store owner and runs back home to show his wife this fantastic invention. She is, of course, ecstatic over this new purchase, and as soon as her husband has gone to the airport, she tells the vodoo dick to help her out. After several amazing orgasms, she figures out its enough. But she does not know how to make it stop. After several attempts to tell it to stop, she tries to call the ambulance, but her constant orgasms are making it impossible to speak correctly. She humps out to her car, gets in, and steps on the gas, heading for the hospital. On the way to the hospital, she sees a couple of blue lights in her rear view mirror, and cursing and moaning at the same time, she pull her car over. An officer comes over, and she desperately tries to explain her self: My husband bought a voodo dick for me and I cant make it stop and I need to get to the hospital in a hurry, please, Officer! After looking at the woman for a couple of seconds, the police officer replies: Voodo dick my ass Voodo Dick

A bit long, but worth it. A husband is travelling abroad on a business meeting in a couple of days, and worried that his wife is going to cheat on him, he decides he wants to buy something spicy for her to enjoy while he is away, so she wont need other men to satisfy her needs. He visits the nearest sex shop, and after looking at different goods, the store owner comes over. He asks the husband what he is looking for, and the husband tells him why hes there. The store owner tells the husband to come out back, where he has something truly special for his wife: a voodo dick. The husband, curious of course, asks whats so special about this dildo, and the store owner explains: This is a magical dildo. Use the codeword voodo dick, and give it a location, and see what happens. The husband looks a bit suspicious at the owner, but says: Voodo dick, keyhole . The voodo dick flies into the air, and starts ramming the keyhole over and over. The husband, thrilled with this new fantastic sextoy, pays the store owner and runs back home to show his wife this fantastic invention. She is, of course, ecstatic over this new purchase, and as soon as her husband has gone to the airport, she tells the vodoo dick to help her out. After several amazing orgasms, she figures out its enough. But she does not know how to make it stop. After several attempts to tell it to stop, she tries to call the ambulance, but her constant orgasms are making it impossible to speak correctly. She humps out to her car, gets in, and steps on the gas, heading for the hospital. On the way to the hospital, she sees a couple of blue lights in her rear view mirror, and cursing and moaning at the same time, she pull her car over. An officer comes over, and she desperately tries to explain her self: My husband bought a voodo dick for me and I cant make it stop and I need to get to the hospital in a hurry, please, Officer! After looking at the woman for a couple of seconds, the police officer replies: Voodo dick my ass What’s your most messed up/morally wrong joke?

A black dad and his son are flying on a plane. Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that an engine has stopped working and they will be dropping all luggage in order to land safely. The dad squeezes the boys hand and reassures him. Minutes later, the pilot gets back on the speaker to say another engine has blown and that people will have to start jumping from the plane to save the rest. The pilot says the fairest thing to do is go in alphabetical order. Ok…A…all African Americans jump off the plane. The boy looks up at his dad but the dad says nothing and doesn’t move. Ok…B…all Blacks jump off the plane. Again…father does nothing. Ok…C…all coloureds jump off the plane. At this point, the boy is scared and doesn’t understand why his dad isn’t moving!! Dad…I think they are talking about us? What do we do? Ok..son..listen. ..today we are n****ers This joke makes me uncomfortable

A black man and his young son were on a plane when one of the engines blew out. Amidst the screams, the captain made an announcement: Ok, some of our passengers are going to have jump off the plane. You will be selected in alphabetical order. Staring with, A: All African Americans. The young boy raises his hand, only to have it pulled back down by his father. Next we’ll have B: All blacks please get up and jump off the plane The little boy does the same thing and is stopped by his father. O.K, now C: colored people The little boy raises his hand yet again and again his father pulls it down. His son is confused and asks: Daddy, I thought we were black, why do you keep pulling my hand down? His father looks at him sternly and replies, Son, today we are fucking niggers, and the mexicans are jumping first. Black man and son on a plane [NSFW]

A black man heard about a trip to go to Africa and experience his real culture, and it was at a discounted price of $1000.00. He would go to a 5 star hotel, and be taken care of for his whole trip. He starts saving up his money. At the end of the month he counts his money and has a thousand dollars saved up. He goes to the airport, tells the airport customer service about the trip. She begins counting his money and tells him that he only has $999.99. He says I counted it, it should be a thousand, can you count it again? She says no problem, I can count again. She does and finds that he is still a penny short, she tells him that he could probably walk around the airport and find a penny on the ground. He could even ask someone and they would probably give him a penny. He starts looking around the airport but doesn’t find the penny. In his final act of desperation he asks a gentleman in a suit. He tells him about the trip to africa and tells him I only need one penny to go to africa. The gentleman says, really, you only need one penny. The black man says, Yeah, just one penny. The gentleman says, Here’s a dollar. Take 99 more black motherfuckas with you. A Black Co-Worker Told Me This One

A black man is very upset with how blacks are treated in America and decides he wants to go to Africa to live among his ancestors. He goes up the counter at the airport and says I want a one-way ticket to Nigeria and throws his money on the counter. I’m sorry, sir. You appear to be 5 cents short said the clerk. 5 cents? Who cares! Give me the ticket lady! shouted the man. I’m sorry sir, I need the correct amount or I cannot complete the transaction replied the clerk. So the man frantically ran around the airport asking for a nickle. Everybody ignored him, until he finally ran into this redneck wearing a ten-gallon hat and cowboy boots. Listen, White-Devil, I would normally never ask someone like you for help, but I need a nickle to go back to Africa and I need it now said the man. The redneck grew a huge grin and said; Hell boy, you’re going back to Africa? For a nickle? Well shit, here’s a quarter, take four more with you! Black man wants to go live in Africa

A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims Wow, these seats are much larger than normal! One of the flight attendants turns to him and says Everything’s bigger in Texas. He arrives in Dallas and decides to try some local cuisine. He orders a BBQ burger, and after picking it up says, Holy cow, this is a huge burger! The waitress says to him, Everything’s bigger in Texas. Later that evening, he decides to stop at the hotel bar. He orders a beer, and when the bartender places it in his hand says Goodness, this is a lot of beer! The bartender says, Everything’s bigger in Texas. After a few drinks, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. Down the hall, first door on the left. As he is making his way there, he mistakenly takes the second door on the left, which leads to the hotel pool. He falls right into the pool, and flounders about in a panic. He manages to swim up and as he breaks the surface, he screams For the love of God, DON’T FLUSH! While we’re in the business of Texas jokes…

A blind man goes on vacation. He’s never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he’s amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he’s ever sat in. Wow, this seat is gigantic! he says. I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair! The woman next to him says, Sure, everything’s bigger in Texas, hun. The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth and catches a taxi to his hotel. He wants to go out and experience the city, but since it’s been a long day of travel, he decides to get a drink at the hotel bar first. He orders a beer, but instead of the pint he expects, the bartender hands him a mug that’s practically the size of a bucket. Damn, the blind man says, this beer is huge! The bartender says, Oh yes sir, but you know everything’s bigger in Texas. Well, after a couple of hours, the blind man finishes his beer and it’s really gone straight to his bladder. He slurs to the bartender, My good man, could you point me towards the restroom in this fine establishment? The bartender says, Sure, it’s right down that hall, third door on your right. The blind man makes his way down the hall, but in his state of inebriation (it was a lot of beer!), he misses the third door and opens the fourth instead, which happens to be the hotel swimming pool. He slips and falls in and starts panicking and yelling Don’t flush, don’t flush! A blind man goes on vacation

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who’s tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Okay, says the lawyer, it’s your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references–no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress–no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says Thank you and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Blonde finally wins

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Blondes…not always dumb.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay, says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What North American mammal goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers. No one knows. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde again and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. lawyer vs the blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you , and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. (This is not my joke, I saw this on a different website) A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY…

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Blonde and a lawyer on a plane

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don’t know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars. No, she says, I just want to sleep. He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. What is the distance from the earth to the moon? he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five? she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, So what is the answer? She hands him 5 dollars. A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane

A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says Hey, wanna play a game? Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says What is it? Well, the way it works is that if I ask you a question and you don’t know the answer to it you pay me 5 dollars. But if you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer I’ll pay YOU 5 dollars. Nope, not interested. Okay hang on, says the lawyer, confident in his intelligence. Tell you what, if you ask me a question and I can’t answer it I’ll give you a hundred dollars instead. How does that sound? Now much more interested the blonde nods agreeably. First question, says the lawyer. What is the chemical symbol of gold? The blonde wracks her brains but just can’t remember and hands him five dollars. My turn! she says. What has silver and red stripes with 16 legs and wings? The lawyer’s quite confused by this, but he desperately tries to think of all the zoology he knows. He even makes surreptitious google searches on his phone. But try as he might he still can’t find the answer. Finally he gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill. But I have to know, he asks, what was the answer to your question? Without a word the blonde slips him another five dollars. Hey, wanna play a game?

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn’t listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde’s ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat. Easy says the pilot, I told her first class doesn’t go to Miami A blonde boards a plane to Miami…

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica. A blonde gets on an airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica. Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica. If Rand Paul ran for president and put Scott Walker on his ticket as running mate, their campaign would be Paul Walker 2016

A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m staying right where I am. So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating. The blonde replies. I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m staying right where I am. Puzzled the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says We have a problem, this blonde lady in first class wont go back to coach where her ticket is. The pilot then says, My wife is blonde, let me take care of this. Pilot walks up to the blonde and says Mam, May I see your ticket? Blonde hands him the ticket. Quickly the pilot says to the blonde, You might want to go back to coach, first class isn’t flying to Houston. She quickly gets up and goes to coach. Blonde flying to Houston, TX

A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down. The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I am going to Chicago, and I am staying right here. After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here. The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, you say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, Oh, I’m sorry, then quickly moves back to her seat in coach. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago. edit: Consistency. Apparently, just typing out this joke gives you ‘dumb blonde syndrome’. My Grandpa’s favorite dumb blonde joke.

A blonde living NYC goes to a bank to get a $10,000 loan. The bank, of course, asks for collateral, so she offers up her $60,000 BMW. The bank eagerly accepts and the blonde leaves with her cash. She then hops in a cab to the airport, travels Europe for 3 weeks and returns (not having spent any of her $10,000. She goes to the bank, pays back the money plus ~$20 in interest and retrieves her car. She successfully parked her car in a secured lot for 3 weeks in NYC for $20. The Anti-Blonde Joke

A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and i’ll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldnt lose and the blonde accepted. The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, What’s the distance between the earth and the nearest star? Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked her question, What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three? The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50. After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question. Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5 Blonde vs. Lawyer

A blonde takes part in a raffle and is flabbergasted to hear that she won a free helicopter ride. She becomes very excited at the thought of being able to fly around in a helicopter. The day finally comes when the woman is going to fly in the helicopter. As she is getting ready, the pilot explains that he’ll be pointing out interesting landmarks and tells her that if she has any questions, that she should feel free to ask. After they take-off, the pilot starts showing the woman all of the skyscrapers in the city and remarks on their historic significance. The woman is having a great time, but eventually she starts feeling cold. So she turns to the pilot and says Could you turn the fan off? My mom told me this joke. I tried adapting it for Reddit…hopefully the humor isn’t lost in translation.

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class. The flight attendant went up to her and told her – very politely – that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: I’m blonde, I’m hot and I can sit where-ever I want! The stewardess quickly went away. Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said I’m blonde, I’m hot and I can sit where-ever I want! Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde’s seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again. The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: I just told first class didn’t go to Paris. A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde went to Brisbane for first time.. She was very excited and as soon as the plane landed in brisbane, she began shouting ”Brisbane Brisbane” The air hostess being annoyed said ” Please mam , Be silent” The blonde then shouted ”Risane Risane” The excited blonde .

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star? Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs? Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, What is the answer to your question? Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5. A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..

A Blonde woman wants to learn how to fly a plane, so she goes to the flight school and asks one of the instructors to help her. He looks at her and says All of our planes are taken right now, but we do have this helicopter you could learn to fly. The blonde accepts and they go off to the helicopter. The instructor teaches her about all the buttons and knobs, all the levers and pedals, and she’s ready to fly. The instructor tells the woman that she is to fly to 5 thousand feet up then and come back down to the ground, and lets her know he will be checking on her every 1000 feet to see how she’s doing. She lifts off and before long she’s at 1000 feet; How’s it going? The instructor radios in. Fine she says. 2000 feet came quickly afterwards; Status ? asks the instructor. Everything is A-ok! says the woman. 3000 feet went by well from what he could see, and right at 4000 feet the helicopter falls out of the sky! The helicopter crashes into the ground and miraculously the woman survives the crash. WHAT HAPPENED?! yells the instructor. The Blonde says, Well, at 1 thousand and 2 thousand feet everything was going great!. Then came 3 thousand feet and I started feeling a little uncomfortable, and once I got to 4000 feet it got *really* cold, so I turned off the big Fan! A Blonde wants to learn how to fly a plane…

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, I’m a pilot! People need me to fly planes! and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, My hair won’t look pretty if I’m dead! and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, Son, I’ve lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven. The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute? The high schooler replies, The blonde lady took my backpack! A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane

A boat came into town and reminded me of an old favorite: Three Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. They’re trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, he’s immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery! Bravest (US) armed service

A boat came into town and reminded me of an old favorite: Three Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. They’re trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, he’s immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery! Teacher: All Idiots Stand Up A boy stand up Teacher: so are you an idiot ? Boy: No I can’t bear you standing alone madam…

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing. After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards Engine failure

A boy has brought his Grandpa Olie into class, to tell about some of his experiences as a pilot in World War II. Well, the old man begins, I remember this one time, I was flying on patrol, when this one Fokker surprises me from behind! A few of the kids in the class start to snicker at this, but Grandpa Olie continues his story. Well, ya know, I was able to maneuver around right quick and I shot that Fokker down, (laughs from half the class now) but flew up on these other two Fokkers that was behind the first one. Almost the entire classroom is laughing now, but Granpa Olie presses on: Yah, it was my turn to surprise those two Fokkers as I came out of the sun and shot them down, then I flew back to the base. The whole class by now is in hysterics, and the teacher desperately tries to regain control. Class, I should point out that ‘Fokker’ is the name of a German aircraft company that made many fighter planes during World War II. Grandpa Olie thinks about this for a moment, and points out, Oh, yah, that is true. But these Fokkers, they was flying Messerschmitts. Show and Tell with Grandpa Olie

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it! Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. A Husband Store just opened in New York.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1- These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men have jobs and love kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it! Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay. But she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!! To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives Store across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited. The Husband Store

A broke, horny man named Dave went to his local brothel with $10 to try and get some action. Dave slams his money on the front counter and says, What can I get for $10? The receptionist says, All our $10 girls are busy but we do have a chicken. A chicken? Dave says Yes sir, this chicken has never received any complaints. What do you say? explains the receptionist. Fuck it Dave takes the chicken to an empty room and proceeds to have sex with it. The next day, Dave thinks to himself, That chicken pussy wasn’t too bad for $10. I can afford to go there again today. Dave goes back to the brothel, slams his money on the front counter and says, I’m here for the chicken. The receponist looks confused and says, Chicken???, ohhhh, that was yesterdays special. Today, we have a room where you can go in and watch our sexiest 3 girls go at it HARDCORE! You just can’t touch them. Dave says, Yeah, sounds like a deal! Dave then walks up a flight of steps and into a room filled with a bunch of dudes looking down through a glass floor. Sure enough, there’s 3 sexy ass lesbians going at it. Dave’s stoked! He starts walking around to get a better look and bumps into a guy by accident. Dave tells the guy, Not bad for $10 huh? The guy yells, You should have been here yesterday, there was a guy FUCKING A CHICKEN!!!! Chicken Sex

A Buddhist Monk, a Rabbi, and a Priest and some African orphans are on a plane, as part of a joint mission to find the orphans a better home in wealthier parts of the world. The plane starts crashing. The monk says: We must find a way to save as many children as we can! The rabbi says: Fuck the children! The priest says: Do we have time? A Buddhist Monk, a Rabbi, and a Priest and some African orphans are on a plane…

A bunch of mentally ill people get on a plane. They create havoc and so much noise. The pilot wants a little quiet. He goes to check out the plane and sees them playing except one person. This person was minding his business and appeared professional. The pilot explained the situation and told him to find a solution for this noise. He said consider it done. The pilot goes back to the cock pit and realizes that there is no sound. He goes back to the man and asks him about how he fixed the situation. He replies I told them whoever wants to play, must play outside this joke was told by my dad in another language A bunch of mentally ill people get on a plane

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose. To which Bob adds, Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy! Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, Do you have any idea where we are? Ted replies, I think about 200 yards further than last year. Two guys go moose hunting…..

A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY but he wants to fly cheap. He goes to the airport and buys a ticket from brothers airlines, and halfway to New York the plane blows out an engine. The captain lets them know they can make on three engines then a second engine blows out. Again the captain says they can make it on two engines. Then a third engine blows and the man starts to panic. The captain comes on to say: *We are approaching new harbor, to the right is the Statue of Liberty and to left is the Empire state building and directly below in the life raft is the captain and crew, thanks for flying brothers airlines*. A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY !!!

A businessman takes a plane to china for a conference, he arrives a day early before the conference so he decides to have some fun. The man goes to a strip club and buys a hooker, throughout the sex the Chinese prostitute is shouting Cuò yīgè dòng, Cuò yīgè dòng! He thinks she is just having a good time. The next day he goes to the conference and it all goes very well so after the meeting the businessman goes to a golf course with his Chinese associates for a celebration. As he plays the game he hits the ball and gets a hole in one, trying to impress his associates with his knowledge he shouts Cuò yīgè dòng! in victory. The other men turn to him and say What do you mean wrong hole? (The likelihood that you will get this joke is only if you are very dirty minded, but tell me your thoughts on it in the comments) A businessman goes to china…

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport. The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, Why do you keep staring at me? The cab driver replied, Well, you don’t have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare? The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, How about me paying with this? The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, Do you have anything smaller? Jokes are like farts, if you have to force it, its probably shit

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport. The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, Why do you keep staring at me? The cab driver replied, Well, you don’t have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare? The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, How about me paying with this? The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, Do you have anything smaller? the Cab ride

A Canadian an American and an Arab are on a plane. everyone is minding their own business when all of a sudden the pilot comes on PA and announces that the plane is too heavy and each person needs to drop one item from the plane to regain balance. The three look at each other, shrug and proceed to throwing things out the window. The canadian throws out a container of Poutine, the american throws out a gun and the Arab throws out a bomb. The pilot comes on the PA and says Thank you for your cooperation, we have returned to proper readings. After they land, they go their separate ways. As the Canadian is walking, he sees a crying boy eating something. he walks up to him and asks why are you crying little boy? The boy responds Me and my mommy were walking down the street and a box of poutine landed on and killed her! ….The american was walking through the park and he sees a little girl crying on a bench. He asks Why are you crying little girl? She responds Me and my daddy were playing in the park and a gun fell on his head and he died! Finally an arab was walking down a street and he sees a boy LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. he asks Why are you laughing so hard? The boy responds I farted and my house blew up! A Canadian, and American and an Arab….

A Canadian, an Irishman, and a Mexican are on a plane. So they’re flying over Mexico and the Mexican dropped a coin because he loves his country. Then, they fly over Ireland and the Irishman dropped a coin because he loves his country. But when they flew over Canada the Canadian dropped a bomb because he hates his country. The next day the Mexican was walking down the street and saw a little boy crying so he asked why. The little boy said A coin fell down and killed my Mom! . The same day the Irishman was walking down the street and saw a little girl crying so hr asked why. The little girl said Because a coin fell down and killed my sister! . The next day the Canadian was walking down the road and saw a little boy laughing so he asked why. The little boy said I farted and my neighbours house blew up! Sorry for the length. A plane ride.