A traveller who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time. He leaves the airport and hails a cab. After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, Hey, I’m new in town. Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod? The cabbie replies [in a thick Boston accent], Pal, I’ve got to congratulate you. I’ve heard that question a lot over the years, but that’s the first time I’ve ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive. Do You Know A Good Place to Get Scrod?
A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery. Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues. Air tragedy in Newfoundland…
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: ‘Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.’ Sending a written message, the captain replied: ‘Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .’ Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, ‘There must be some mistake.’ ‘No, Madam,’ said the first officer, ‘Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.’ No Jews Allowed
A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening in port, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read: Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter’s Debutante Ball. I would like for you to send four (4) well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their full formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They must arrive promptly at 8:00 PM and be prepared to engage our guests in an evening of stimulating but polite Southern conversation. They all should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of a group of lovely refined young Southern belles. Please make note of one last important detail: Absolutely NO JEWS. After reading and contemplating, the Navy Captain replied with a handwritten personal message that he had delivered to the Lady by yeoman. It read: Madam, thank you so much for your generous invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for an evening of polite, stimulating conversation, I am sending four (4) of my best and most impressive Officers. The first young Officer I offer is a Lieutenant, with a Master’s Degree in Computer Information Systems (CIS) from University of Texas at Austin (College of Natural Sciences). He is world-renown for his work with Integrated Quantum Materials (IQM) at the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) and in establishing prototype deciphering benchmarks in the field of Advanced Technological and Cryptographic Algorithms. He is also awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation (PhD) from Stanford University in Palo Alto, California. The next Officer, another Lieutenant, proudly serves as one of our ships helicopter pilots. He is a graduate of Harvard University School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS) in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. He also holds a PhD. in Mechanical, Aerospace, and Nuclear Engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) in Troy, New York. The Lieutenant was recently accepted into the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) Astronaut Candidate Selection Program which is quite an honor in its own right. The third Lieutenant is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis with an additional Master’s Degree from The Pratt School of Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Boston, Massachusetts. He also serves as a Navy expert in the field of Fluid Technology and Thermal Technology as it relates to Marine Turbine Engineering in Ship and Vessel Design. Finally, the fourth distinguished officer, a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship’s Medical Doctor. He holds an undergraduate degree from the University of Virginia with his Medical Degree from Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. The Doctor is also well respected in the field of Emergency Shock Trauma and Critical Care Surgery at the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda. Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday’s Ball with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome US Naval Officers without peer and all the other women in her social circle would be immensely impressed and insanely jealous. At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very erect, very handsome, smiling ….. BLACK Naval Officers. Her jaw dropped and her mouth fell open, but after pulling herself together, she stammered, Ex, ex, excuse me. There, m,m,must be some kind of mistake. No, Madam, said one of the Officers confidently. Captain Goldstein NEVER makes mistakes. normally don’t like longer jokes but, this is funny
a very nervous bob asks the instructor what happens if the parachute fails to come out.. well son, were jumpin from 14,000ft.. at 4,000ft you pull on this here cord.. if that doesnt work keep calm and at 3,000ft pull on your emergency cord right here ok says bob.. but what happens if that fails too! the only thing left to do is to glide down to 1,000ft and shout ALLAH HELP after a few minutes bob jumps out of the plane and enjoys the free fall down to 4,000ft where he pulls his parachute, which of course fails.. calmly he takes the instructors advice and glides to 3,000ft before pulling his emergency chute which long and behold fails. a frantic bob falls to 1,000ft before bellowing out at top voice.. ALLAH HELP right then a big black hand comes out of nowhere, catches bob and gently places him on the ground.. bob weeps with relief and says thank god for that! when a big black foot appears and stamps on him! bob goes skydiving for the first time..
A vulture boards a plane and sits in his seat. Almost immediately he pulls the smelliest, nastiest looking meat from a bag. Seeing this the stewardess asks sir, what is that? The vulture replies oh this? It’s just my carrion A vulture boards a plane
A vulture tries to get on an airplane with a raccoon under each wing. The pilot stops him saying, Sorry, you’re only allowed one carry-on. A vulture tries to get on an airplane
A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn’t lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla. He promptly arranges a flight to Africa. When he arrives, he tells the locals his intentions of gorilla hunting and asks for their recommendations. They recommend he hunts with the famous Great White Hunter, easily the best big-game hunter on the planet. The man contacts the Great White Hunter and tells him that he wishes to hunt gorillas. The Great White Hunter tells him that this will be no problem, but that it will cost the man $1,000 per day. Two hundred dollars for food and transportation, he says, and two hundred dollars for each member of my crew: me, the [Watusi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tutsi), the dog, and the Pygmy with a gun. The man decides that it is a fair amount of cash to pay and the next day he flies out to the jungle on a biplane to meet with the Great White Hunter. There they set up camp and sure enough, the Great White Hunter has with him a Watusi, a dog, and a Pygmy with a gun. The American man, the Great White Hunter, the Watusi, the dog, and the Pygmy with a gun all head out hunting for gorillas early the next day. The Great White Hunter uses his famous skills and wisdom to track down a gorilla almost immediately. They push aside some bushes and, much to the American man’s delight, they see a massive gorilla hanging out in a tree. The gorilla sees them and begins jumping on the branch, jumping on the branch aggressively. Without hesitation, the Great White Hunter shouts a command to the Watusi, who sprints at the tree and climbs up to the gorilla’s branch, and begins jumping on the branch, jumping on the branch alongside the gorilla. This carries on for nearly a minute before the gorilla begins to lose its balance. It slips and tumbles almost twenty feet to the forest floor. When it hits the ground, before it can do anything, the dog runs up and bites the gorilla in the testicles. The Great White Hunter then throws a net over the subdued Gorilla, and it’s captured. Later that night, the American man is going to sleep in his tent, a big smile on his face, happily reminiscing on the hunting trip. He’d actually seen and caught a Gorilla! Tomorrow more adventure was no doubt at hand. The Great White Hunter told him that he’d get to throw the net! That’s when he realized something: The Pygmy with a gun didn’t do shit! The next morning, the American man, the Great White Hunter, the Watusi, the dog, and the Pygmy with a gun go out hunting again, and the American man vows to watch the Pygmy with a gun carefully to try and see what he does to help. Like before, the Great White Hunter tracks down a gorilla in no time. The gorilla, hanging out in a tree, sees them, and begins jumping up and down, jumping up and down on the branch. The Hunter shouts a command to the Watusi, who scales the tree to the gorilla and begins to jump up and down, up and down on the branch. The gorilla loses its balance and plummets to the forest floor, where the dog bites it in the balls. The American man and the Great White Hunter throw the net over the gorilla, and it’s captured. Once again, the man realizes, the Pygmy with a gun didn’t do shit! The next morning, the man, angry that he’s paying so much extra money for a useless team mate, approaches the Great White Hunter. Hey, he says, I’ve been watching, and the Pygmy with a gun doesn’t do shit! What gives? I’m not going to pay for him! The Great White Hunter calmly replies, I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. He’s an essential part of the team, always will be. You pay for the Pygmy, or we don’t hunt. The man begrudgingly accepts the Great White Hunter’s ultimatum. The man, the Great White Hunter, the Watusi, the dog, and the Pygmy with a gun all go out hunting again. It’s not long before the Great White Hunter tracks down a gorilla, an especially big one, who begins jumping up and down, jumping up and down in his tree. The Great White Hunter shouts to the Watusi, who climbs the tree, climbs out on the gorilla’s branch, and begins jumping up and down, jumping up and down on the branch with the gorilla. After about thirty seconds, however, the Watusi begins to lose his balance. He slips and falls! As the Watusi is plummeting to the forest floor, he cries out: Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog! The Great White Hunter
A White Guy, a Black Guy, a Mexican, and an Asian are all on a plane and the plane starts going down. So the pilot yells We’re going down, we need to lose some weight to balance it out! So the black guy gets a bucket of fried chicken and throws it out. * Don’t worry there are plenty of these where I come from, it’s all good! * The Mexican throws a couple tacos out the window * Don’t worry there are plenty of these where I come from, is all good! * The Asian grabs his bag of egg rolls and throws it out the window and yells * Do not worry, plenty of these from homeland, all good! * The white guy is next so he grabs the Mexican and throws him out the window * Don’t worry, there are plenty of these where I come from, it’s all good! * A White Guy, a Black Guy, a Mexican, and an Asian are all on a plane
a woman gets to the airport and picks up her boarding pass and passport, and makes it through the terminal to the boarding gate. the attendant there asks to see her fying information, and she realizes that between the terminal and the boarding gate, her boarding pass has gone missing. oh shit she says. ma’am I must see the boarding pass for you to get on the plane he says. she replies; you know I really dont need it, my seat is 32-B. I remember because its also my bra size the attendant looks at her briefly and insists; Ma’am I have to see that Pass. She huffs and replies; I’ll try and find it, but I know this would be a whole different story if my seat was 36-D . so a woman goes to the airport.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. Thank you, honey , she says. What would you like me to bring back for you? He laughs and says, An Italian girl! When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, she replies. And what happened to my present? Which present? she asks. The one I asked for- an Italian girl! Oh, that, she says. Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl. A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. Thank you, honey , she says. What would you like me to bring back for you? He laughs and says, An Italian girl! When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, she replies. And what happened to my present? Which present? she asks. The one I asked for- an Italian girl! Oh, that, she says. Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl. A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. Thank you, honey , she says. What would you like me to bring back for you? He laughs and says, An Italian girl! When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, she replies. And what happened to my present? Which present? she asks. The one I asked for – an Italian girl! Oh, that, she says. Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl. An Italian Girl
A woman rubs a lamp, a genie pops out and grants her one wish. The next night the Ku Klux Klan knock at her door and asks if she is the woman who wanted her husband hung like a black man /// Q: What is a redneck virgin? A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. /// My girlfriend asked if I was a pedophile. I told her that was a really big word for someone her age /// I find this offensive; there’s a black man in my family tree. He’s been hanging from it for a while now. /// Q: Why does Mexico never win a medal at the Olympics? A: All the ones that can run, climb, and swim are in the US /// Q: What’s the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine? A: Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out of a window. The kid was a great writer though, did 12 stories before he died. /// A little kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says look ma, I’m a white man . She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma. He goes to his grandma and says look, I’m a white man . She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father. He goes to his father and says look dad, I’m a white man He slaps him too and asks what have you learned? The boy says, I’ve only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards. /// A Priest and a Rabbi are talking when a small boy walks by. The priest says, Wanna fuck that kid? The Rabbi says, Out of what? /// A friend and I were walking along the railroad tracks when he said to me Right up here is my favorite place. A few weeks ago I found a bottle of old granddad’s whiskey. I drank it and was drunk the rest of the day. I said: no kidding? My favorite place is up here too. Last week I found a girl tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her and we fucked for three days straight. That’s awesome! Said my friend, did she give good head? I looked at him and said I don’t know, I never did find that part. /// I once went to an Ethiopian restaurant, we waited until we were hungry then left. /// Q: What’s the most confusing day in Harlem? A: Fathers Day. /// Q: Why does Eric Clapton use a Mac? A: Windows killed his son. /// Q: What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women /// Q: Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? A: Because it wasn’t born yesterday. /// Q: Why do black people only have nightmares? A: Because we killed the last one who had a dream. /// Q: What’s the best part about dead baby jokes? A: They never get old. /// Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? A: Michael Phelps can finish a race. /// Q: Why does Beyonc sing to the left, to the left? A: Because blacks have no rights. /// Never play Uno with a mexican; they always steal your green cards /// An elderly Jewish woman wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money. She first says, I’d like to spend $10 million on myself and my family. The Rabbi replies, It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important. She then says she’d like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she’d like to give back. The Rabbi says they could always use the money. Then she says I’d like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler. Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. Why would you want to memorialize such a monster? he cries. She rolls up her sleeve and responds, He gave me the winning numbers. /// Q: What’s better than winning a Silver medal at the special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. /// Q: What’s difference between a black guy and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family of four. /// Q: Why don’t Spics and Niggers get married? A: They are afraid their children will be too lazy to steal. /// Two black guys are sitting at a bar when a gay man walks in and asks them if they’d like some blowjobs. The two black guys immediately beat the shit out of him and return to their seats. The bartender asks What the hell did you do that for? One of the black guys says Well, I’m not sure exactly what he said but he said something about jobs. /// Q: Why is aspirin white? A: You want it to work don’t you? /// Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. /// A: What’s the biggest dilemma for a Jew? Q: Free pork /// A plane is out of fuel and losing altitude quickly. The pilot tells the crew that they have run out items to throw out of the plane and need to start throwing people out in order to land safely. The crew asks how to decide who to sacrifice. The pilot says to just go alphabetically. A flight attendant then announces to the passengers, Could all of the Africans, Blacks, and Colored-people please come to the front of the plane . A black child turns to his father and asks, Should we go to the front daddy? . The father responds, No, son, we’re niggers today. /// Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car, who is driving? A: The police officer. /// Asians are so terrible at driving, I’m beginning to believe pearl harbor was an accident. /// They say that there’s strength in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews. /// Q: What do elevators in Ethiopia say? A: 100 kg or 200 people /// Q: What’s the difference between Jews and Santa Claus? A: Santa comes down the chimney /// Q: What’s the difference between cancer and Black people? A: Cancer got Jobs /// Q: How does a black woman fight crime? A: She has an abortion /// Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven. /// Q: What’s the difference between a nigger and a snow tire? A: A snow tire doesn’t sing when you put chains on it. /// Roses are red, Violets are blue, We’re having sex, Because I’m stronger than you /// Q: Do you know why so many black people believe in God? A: Because he’s the only father they will ever know. /// Snigger -> Laughrican American /// A little boy asks his dad what’s the difference between a pussy and a cunt . Dad goes and gets one of his Playboy magazines and opens it the centerfold. See that hairy thing between her legs? That’s the pussy, everything else around it is the cunt. /// Q: What do black people and tornadoes have in common? A: It only takes one to ruin a neighbourhood. /// A black guy’s walking in a park, when he sees a Chinese man skip rocks across a pond. He approaches the man and asks what he’s doing. The Chinese man replies, Whenever I skip a rock, I can hear the names of my ancestors. He skips a rock across the pond, and they both hear a CHING CHANG CHONG. The black man grabs a rock and skips it across the pond. There’s nothing to be heard. Huh? , the black guy said, That must have been my father. /// Q: Why do Ethiopian girls give the best blow jobs? A: You know she’ll swallow. /// Q: What do black people and bikes have in common? A: They stop working when you take the chains off /// Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? A: Nothing. I already told her twice /// Q: What’s worse than a holocaust? A: 6 million jews. /// Q: What song was I singing about the Twin Towers? A: It’s raining men /// Q: How does a Black girl know that she’s pregnant? A: She pulls her tampon out and all the cotton has been picked. /// Did you hear about the two car pile-up in Mexico? 200 people died /// Q: How come Jesus couldn’t walk on water? A: He had holes in his feet. /// Q: Why can’t Mexicans be firemen? A: because they can’t tell the difference between Jos and Hose-B /// Q: What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? A: Fitting in. /// A Mexican, a Black guy, and a White guy come across a Genie in a lamp. The Genie says he’ll grant each of them a wish. The Mexican says, I’d love for all my people to be reunited in Mexico, and to have it become a great nation at last!’ The Genie grants his wish, and the Mexican disappears. The Black guy says, likewise, i want all my people to enjoy a united Africa, free of persecution, together. The Genie grants his wish, and the guy disappears to Africa. the White supremacist says, so you’re telling me all the Niggers and Spics are gone? The Genie nods. Well in that case, I’ll have a coke. /// Q: Why did they plant trees in Harlem? A: Public transportation. /// Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn’t the right answer. /// Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? A: An easy bake oven. /// Q: Who are the two most famous black women? A: Aunt Jemima and Mother Fucker. /// Q: How do you blindfold an Asian? A: With dental floss. /// Q: How was the first copper wire made? A: Two Jews grabbed the same penny /// Q: Why do Asians have squinty eyes? A: Because atomic bombs are really bright. /// A Chinese man goes to a mine to get a job. The hiring guy is only picking the biggest, strongest men so when this slight Asian man begs for a job, he turns him down but every day he’s back. Finally after about a week of this, the guy tells him he’s hired as the new supplies guy. Next day, the miners are doing their job and picks and axes are breaking left and right. They are wondering when on earth the supply guy is going to come down with a fresh load of tools. Just when they were down to their last few tools and about ready to climb to the surface to find out what happened they hear the sound of the mining cart heading down the track. It comes hurtling to their area and rolls to a stop but they can see no one in it. Just as they start to approach the car the little Chinese man pops up and yells SUPPLIES! /// The End Series of offensive jokes – you’ve been warned
A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her. She asked him, Were you admiring my airplane? He replied, No, I was admiring the landing field. AIRPLANE FASHION
A woman went to the only hairdresser in town to get her hair styled for a vacation trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who was of Italian descent, he responded, Rome? Why you go there? It’s crowded and dirty. Full of tourists. So, how are you getting there? We’re flying US Airways, was the reply. We got a great rate! US Airways! exclaimed the hairdresser. Too bad. That’s the worst airline. Always late. You should have asked me first. I’m always flying to Italy. So where are you staying in Rome? We’ll be at this little place over on the Tiber River called Teste. Oh, I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump. You should not stay in Rome, and you should not visit the touristy things there. But we want to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. You and and thousands of other people. He’ll look the size of an ant. Watch out you don’t get your pocket picked in the crowd. A month later, the woman comes back to the beauty parlor. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of US Airways brand new planes, but it was tourist class was overbooked, and they put us first class. And the hotel was great! They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us a suite for the price of a room! Well, muttered the hairdresser, I’m happy for your good luck, but I was right it’s a waste of time to try to see the Pope, wasn’t it? Actually, we had a wonderful experience at the Vatican, too. A Swiss Guard tapped my husband on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet visitors, and if we’d like to step into anteroom of his quarters and wait, we would get a brief audience with the Pope. We did and five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and blessed us! He even talked to us a little. Oh, really! What’d he say? He said, Who fucked up your hair? Vacation Joke
A young bird left late on his first southern migration and was caught in an early freezing rain causing him to land in a barnyard, unable to fly and freezing to death. As he crouched there shivering and freezing to death, by chance the last of the farmer’s cows plopped a load of manure on the bird as it passed into the barn. The bird was warmed up by the poo and began to flex his wings as the ice melted. Anticipating his resumption of the flight to a warmer climate the young bird began to chirp his happy song. The farmer’s cat heard the chirping from his box on the porch and wandered over to investigate. He saw the bird, pounced, dragged it out of the poop and ate the poor bird before returning to his box with a satisfied smile. A wise person will take three lessons from this event: – Not everyone that craps on you in this life is your enemy. – Not everyone that pulls you out of the poo is your friend. – When you are up to your next in doo-doo and you are happy, keep your mouth shut! A barnyard parable…
A young brunette stewardess is on her first international flight, flying from Los Angeles to Sydney, Australia. Just as the jet approaches the equator, the cabin door pops open and she is sucked out. She screams for a while, and figures that she is going to die. Seeing nothing but water below her, she begins to think that she may survive the fall, but she is worried that if her clothes are wet, they may weigh her down and she will drown. She takes off all of her clothes and continues falling. Just then she falls into a powerful waterspout, spinning round and round she gets quite dizzy. The waterspout is so powerful; it crosses the equator with the stewardess inside. Once past the equator, the waterspout loses momentum. As the waterspout approaches an uncharted island, the shallow water causes it to break up, depositing the naked stewardess gently on the island. Too dizzy to stand and amazed that she is alive, she passes out. A while later she is woken up by someone shouting Hallelujah . The stewardess, now awake, but still naked sees a dishevelled man with a long beard approaching her. He then says Thank you God, but next time could you send me a blonde Heavenly gift?
A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation: You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me ‘McGregor the Pier-maker?’ No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you’re seated at? I planed it down with me own achin’ back. But do they call me ‘McGregor the Bar-maker?’ No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me ‘McGregor the Fence-maker?’ No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. But you fuck one goat… Poor McGregor can’t catch a break
A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation. You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Pier-maker?’ No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you’re seated at? I planed it down with me own achin’ back. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Bar-maker?’ No. No! And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Fence-maker?’ No. No! NO! And he takes a drink of his whisky. But you fook one goat…………….. MacGregor
A young man is flying over the oceans with a small plane, until suddenly his engine fails. There is no way for him to stear back to the mainland and so he crashes on a small unknown island. He managed to survive the crash and decides to walk around in the forest to look for food. After some time in the forest, SNAP, he activates a trap and is now hanging upside down in a tree. A small group of tribe members cut him down and take him to the tribe leader that only speaks the sentence Ooly Booly, or chop your head , without a single doubt the young man yells please Ooly Booly and gets mounted from behind by one of the tribe members. With slight pain and a lot of regret he is released in the forest. Completely dissorrientated he runs away in a random direction and again, SNAP he is hanging upside down. Dragged in front of the chief he hears again Ooly Booly, or chop your head . But this time there is 3 natives standing next to the chieften licking their tongues. Knowing what is about to happen but no other acceptable option he says Ooly Booly and turn for turn the 3 tribe members have a go at him. Hardly able to walk and completely humiliated he pushes himself through to forest trying to avoid any traps. Seeing the sea come closer, he feels that this time he will make it, but.. SNAP, again upside down. This time hearing the words Ooly Booly or chop your head and seeing a group of 10 natives licking their tongues, he knows he is done for. So he gathers enough courage to mumble the words chop my head to which the chief replays sure.. but first Ooly Booly! Ooly Booly
A young man is undecided where he should spend this year’s vacation. He asks his granfather for advice. Grandfather: ‘When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked that waitress’ ass.’ The young man is excited: ‘Wow! That sounds great! Thank you, grandfather’ – and books the travel. Two weeks later he finally arrives at home again. His nose is broken, his lips are bloody and he has a black eye. Grandfather: ‘My God! What has happened to you?!’ Young man: ‘I don’t know what I did wrong. I went to Paris, entered a bar and got totally drunk. As I proceeded to climb the counter, and opened my pants, the barkeeper beat me up. I wanted to grab the waitress’ ass but she also slapped my face. When they finally realized that I didn’t even bring money with me, they called the police.’ Grandfather: ‘That’s very strange… how did you get to Paris?’ Young man: ‘By plane, and you?’ Grandfather: ‘With the SS.’ A young German wants to travel (x-post from German_Humour)
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door. Did you jump then? asked the father. I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt. So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’ I said, `No, sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’ So, did you jump? asked the father. Well, a little, at first. Did you Jump?
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door. Did you jump then? asked the father. I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt. So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’ I said, `No, sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’ So, did you jump? asked the father. Well, a little, at first. The Jump
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news. ‘So, did you jump?’ asked the father. Well, let me tell you what happened, the son said. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane. Is that when you jumped? asked his father. Uh, no The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time, and he threw them out the door. ”Did you jump then? asked his father. I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt. So, did you jump?” No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Are you gonna jump or not?” I said, ‘No sir, I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’ So, did you jump? asked his father. Well, a little, at first. Paratrooper…
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door. Did you jump then? asked the father. I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass. So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you going to jump or not?’ I said, ‘No, Sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his pants and whipped his cock out. I swear, it was about twelve inches long! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I’m sticking this up your ass.’ So, did you jump? asked the father. Well, a little, at first. Edit: For those of you all super disappointed at the tag [ENJOY!](http://xhamster.com/movies/1493888/an_awesome_military_gay_threesome.html) Paratrooper’s First Jump NSFW
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door. Did you jump then? asked the father. I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass. So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you going to jump or not?’ I said, ‘No, Sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his pants and whipped his cock out. I swear, it was about twelve inches long! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I’m sticking this up your ass.’ So, did you jump? asked the father. Well, a little, at first. Edit: For those of you all super disappointed at the tag ENJOY! Paratrooper’s First Jump NSFW…
A young women was marrying her Boyfriend from Greece. On the wedding night her mother gave her $1000 and told her If you and he are in bed, and he asks you to roll over, jump out of bed and buy the first plane ticket back home to me . Everything went fine the wedding night, and for two years all was smooth sailing. But one night her husband asked her to roll over so she jumped out of bed and began packing. Her husband plead what’s the matter, baby? Why are you leaving? and she told him what her mother warned her about 2 years before. So, he asked her But sweetheart, don’t you want children? The marriage
A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved. He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of your life. He says, anything, I’ll do anything, just save me. Just then, a storm front comes in with unbelievably strong updrafts. The updrafts slow the pilot down to nearly a stop, then he crashes through a skylight of a home and lands in the middle of a king sized bed and is truly amazed that he is still alive. A very large, unattractive woman races into the room and says Hallelujah, you’re just what I asked for . The pilot, remembering his bargain, runs out of the house in a panic and straight in front of a speeding truck where he is instantly killed. When he gets to heaven, he asks God, why did he make such a bargain with him. God said, it was your time to die, I was just messing with you. There are things worse than death
A zookeeper drives to the airport to pick up a group of penguins that are coming to live at the zoo. Midway through the drive back, though, the van breaks down. The zookeeper calls AAA, who says that they’ll be out to help in a couple of hours. After a few minutes, a man passing in his car stops to ask if he can help. Actually, yes! says the zookeeper. I’m going to be stuck here for a few hours while I wait for help. If you could take these penguins to the zoo for me, I’d be so grateful. The man agrees, and the two of them bundle the penguins into his car. Thank you so much! says the zookeeper, and hands the man a $20 for his trouble. The man drives off, and the zookeeper sits down to wait. Two hours later, he’s surprised to see the man return, still with all the penguins in the car. What happened? he asks. I thought you were going to take them to the zoo! I did! says the man. And they had a terrific time. But now they want to go to the movies, and I need some more money. The zookeeper and the penguins
A. A pilot…you racist Q. What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: They planet Insert death threats below Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: where are you going? B: to the toilet, where else can one go in an airport? — I would like to add that my emotional response was mixed. Joke i heard between 2 airport janitors.
aboard a flight pilot comes on the intercom and tells the passengers we are cursing at 36,000 feet plz take your seat belts off and enjoy the flight air hostess start serving drinks.pilot forgets to switch off his mic and says to the co-pilot hey jerry you take control of the plane i am going to drink coffee and then have fun with the hostess when she comes back the hostess starts to panic and runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about his mic. in her haste she trips and spills some drink in an old lady’s lap.The old lady turns and says there is no need to hurry dear he said he is going to drink coffee first . ps. not mine read somewhere can’t remember where. He is going to drink coffee first dear.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever! Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About halfway across, they realize they don’t have enough fuel. The pilot says they need to drop some weight because a lighter plane uses less fuel. So they dump all the luggage. The plane is still too heavy. They dump all the seats. Still too heavy. With nothing left to dump, and a deadly crash inevitable, an Englishman yells, God save the Queen! and jumps to his death. The plane is still too heavy. A Frenchman yells, vive la France and jumps to his death. still too heavy. Finally, a Texan stands up and yells, remember the Alamo! and throws out the Mexican. An airliner is flying over the ocean, carrying representatives from the United Nations.
after 10 years they arrived at the airport but the found that they forgot to get their passports.So, they chose one of them to go back to get the passports. The chosen turtle agreed but if only they don’t drink from the Soda bottle they have and they agreed. Year after year passed and the turtle didn’t return yet. After nine years on the of the waiting turtles said to the second turtle I am very thirsty, I will drink the Soda bottle and opened the bottle when Suddenly the third turtle jumped from behind a tree and yelled I knew you will drink you liar, that’s why I didn’t leave Three turtles were going to the airport…
After a delightful meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson said, I see millions and millions of stars. Sherlock said, And what does that tell you? After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent! (By the way, I found this on the Internet and wanted to share it with you guys. It’s a repost, but at least I’m honest) Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a horrific plane crash three men end up on a desserted island. An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German. While searching for shelter, they discover a genies lamp. The Frenchman grabs it and rubs it……poof the genie appears and grants them each one wish. The Frenchman speaks up first I want all my people togeather, every French speaking person to be in our own beautiful island. We can enjoy the arts, drink wine and smoke in church. Instantly the Frenchman disappeared. The German was very intrigued and asked for the same, I want all my people togeather on an island, we can drink beer and eat bratwurst. Poof he disappeared. The genie asked the Englishman if he wanted the same. Are all the French and Germans really isolated on their own islands. The genie confirms they were. Shit then I’m good, does this place gave wifi? Three men find a genies lamp.
After a long day at work, a middle aged man named Fred heads to his favorite bar, located on the 9th floor of a 10 story building. As he takes his seat at the bar and orders a beer, an elderly gentleman takes the seat next to him and orders the same. After a few minutes of silence and contemplation, the elderly man leans over and says ‘have you been here before?’ ‘I have’ Fred replied, ‘but not in a good while’. They make small talk for moment, and then the elderly gentleman says something quite outlandish. ‘The bar recently added this new shot’ he told Fred with a hint of a grin. ‘I can’t explain it, but for a minute or so after drinking, you feel as though you can fly’. Taking the old man for a drunk, but not wishing to be rude, Fred simply smiled and said something about strong drinks and college days. But the elderly man was adamant. With a sudden exuberance, he called over the barkeep and ordered a double of the drink in question. As Fred looked on, bewildered, the elderly man made his way to the window, shot in hand, and downed it in one fluid, experienced motion. Fred half leaped, half stumbled from his chair, moving as fast as his tired legs would take him towards the window, and the disillusioned old man who was climbing onto the ledge. What happened next caused Fred to drop his glass and gape in awe. As he stood, dumbfounded, there was the elderly man, hovering in place as a cool breeze crept into the 9th floor pub. He hovered there, wordless and motionless for what felt like hours, but in reality was only a quarter minute. The elderly man then slowly floated back to the window, caught the ledge with his left foot and stepped back inside as if he had simply been walking down a flight of stairs. Fred blinked, opened his mouth, then closed it again, as if he were going to speak before realizing he had no words to offer. The elderly man walked quietly back to the bar and calmly took his seat. ‘You just floated in mid air!!’ Fred screamed, finally able to form thoughts. The elderly man stared straight ahead into the eyes of his own reflection in the mirror behind the bar. ‘It’s a pretty special drink’ he said dryly. Without hesitation, Fred sprinted to the bar, poured himself the shot, downed it, and then sprinted back to the window. Without breaking stride, he leapt out the open window, and for a brief moment felt completely weightless. A few fractions of a second later he was hurtling towards the asphalt, too paralyzed with fear even to scream. Back in the 9th floor pub, the barkeep walked calmly over to the window, closed and latched it, then looked back over at the bar. The old man was still gazing absently into the mirror, stirring a fresh highball with his straw. The bar tender sighed and said ‘You’re an asshole, Mr. Kent.’ Clark is an asshole
After a long day on the job, a construction worker makes his way home. He is happy to find the bus goes express, and he gets to his apartment building in record time. He walks up the four flights of stairs, thinking about how lucky he is to see his wife and drink a cold beer. He reaches his door but finds it locked. He knocks, and as he leans in he hears his wife moaning, along with the sounds of some guy. Well, he goes red with rage and starts pounding on the door. After a minute his wife opens the door, a blanket wrapped around her naked body. It’s not what you think! she screams, but he ignores her, pushing past to see if he can find the guy. The apartment is only one room, with a bathroom off to the side, so there’s not a lot of places to hide. The husband looks under the bed, peeks into the shower, but can’t find the guy. Then he notices the window is open. He runs over, looks out, and sees a guy in his shorts hanging from the window below him. The husband starts yelling, I’ll kill you! , pulling tools off his belt and throwing them at the guy, until the guy suddenly loses his grip and falls. But since the fall is only three stories, when he lands he only breaks his legs. The husband is furious. He looks around for something to throw, and the closest and biggest thing he finds is the fridge. He pulls it to the window and then pushes it out, and it falls right on the guy, killing him instantly. However, in doing this, the husband works himself up so much he has a heart attack and also dies. The next thing he knows the husband is standing in line at the pearly gates. Saint Peter beckons him forward and asks, Well my son, how did you die? Well, replies the husband I came home from a hard day at work and found my wife cheating on me. I was so angry that when I found the guy hanging outside the window I threw things at him until he fell. However, he only broke his legs, and I wasn’t satisfied, so instead I grabbed the fridge and pushed it out onto him. But in doing this, I had a heart attack, and here I am. Oh boy. Replied Saint Peter Well, while I’m sad that your wife was not true, it is wrong to kill. I’m afraid you have to go to hell. With that, the husband is ushered off to hell. Saint Peter looks at the next man in line and beckons him forward. And how did you die, my son? The guy looks perplexed. It was the strangest thing, sir. I was sitting at home trying to work out, but my apartment is so small I have to be creative and do pull ups outside my window. Well, I was doing this like normal, when all of a sudden a crazy guy starts throwing things at me. I lost my grip and fell, and somehow by God’s grace, I didn’t die! I started thanking God, but then the guy suddenly pushed out a fridge, and it landed directly on me! Saint Peter scratches his head. I am sorry, son. You lived a good life, and as a reward, you get to go to heaven. And with that, the guy is ushered to heaven. Saint Peter beckons the next person in line, who walks up. How did you die, my son? The man replies, Well, picture this: You’re hiding in a fridge… A man gets off work early…
After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking. That’s friendly of him. The first says. Yeah, normally marines are assholes. Replies the second. I was on a convoy in Fallujah. We stopped next to a bunch of marines and walked in to the tree line to eat chow. When we came back they had stolen all our stuff. Man, back home, I was in a bar with my girl. The marine acted like I was even there. He ended up getting her number. I hate marines. Me too. A minute goes by and the marine hasn’t come back. Hey… Says one. Check this out. The ranger stands up, unbuckles his belt and drops his pants. Dude! What are you doing? The other exclaims Shut up or he’ll hear you. Just watch. He then proceeds to shit in one of the marines boots. Holy shit, he’s going to kill you man. Says the other. Not if you take care of the other one. So, the second ranger follows his buddies example. Giggling, they put the boots back exactly as they found them. Shortly thereafter, the marine returns. He hands them the coffees and, through smirks and snickers, they thank him. After a long flight, and many, MANY pots of coffee later the pilot announces they are about to land. The marine slips his boots back on, laces them, and without flinching he says to the rangers. You know I’m proud to serve our country but I’ve always thought this, – and let’s see if you agree with me. That the petty, bickering and pranks pulled by one branch on another just hurt us. Things like stealing gear and fighting over women, shitting in boots and pissing in each others coffee…. A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq…
After a while, the waiter comes back with the soup. The guy tastes the soup and frowns at the waiter. Excuse me, i asked for a steamy soup, and that my friend, is not a steamy soup. The waiter apologizes and tells him that he’ll take care of that. The waiter comes back with the soup. The bowl is now boiling hot, and he uses towels to grab it. The guy tastes the soup, spits it right out, and yelling at the waiter: What is so difficult to understand?! I want a steamy soup! I don’t want it hot, i want a STEAMY FUCKING SOUP!!! … After being heated for a long time in the highest temperature possible, and cooked in a maximum heating stove, the steamy soup is finally ready. The waiter needs 5 towels on each side only to grab the bowl. The bowl is carried on a maximum heated plate. The whole restaurant becomes a sauna, and steams covers the entire place. The sweaty waiter serves the soup to the guy. The guys tastes the soup, and the waiter tensely looking at him. The guy thinks for a while and than saying: now this is what i call a steamy soup! Thank you very much! – Your’e welcome! , says the waiter, and calmly returns to do his duties. After the guy finishes the soup, a man approaching to him and says: Hey there, sorry to bother you, but i sat at the table over there and i couldn’t help but looking at you! I have to ask you something! – Sure! , says the guy. – You are a pilot, right? – Well yeah! How did you know?! – I can tell by your uniform… A guy walks into a restaurant orders a steamy soup
After doing some typically stupid things, as one does when choosing ‘dare’ in a game of truth or dare, Ansaldo chooses ‘truth’. What is a secret you’ve never told anyone that has a practical impact on your life? Antonov asks very specifically. Well, the truth is, Ansaldo begins, I’m actually not sure that I like female planes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like them, but I might also like guy planes as well. No Shit, Antonov replies, you’re a bi-plane! I came up with this looking at a pair of biplane cufflinks I have, so I think it’s an original. I hope someone appreciate it 🙂 EDIT: Wording for timing impact. Two old planes, Ansaldo and Altonov, are playing truth or dare.
After finishing his review of the departing flight, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom. He turns to his co-pilot and let’s out a sigh, man, I could really use a coffee and a blowjob right now . A stewardess in the rear of the plane hears the comment, and begins rushing down the isle to warn the pilot the intercom is still on. While passing by, one of the passengers shouts out, Don’t forget the coffee! A pilot is talking on the intercom as his flight takes off…
After finishing his safety checks, he announces Welcome on our flight non-stop to LA. The weather ahead is fine and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH FUCK There’s silence in the plane A short time later, the pilot comes back on: Sorry if I scared you earlier, but I spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants A passenger in the back yells out You should see the back of mine! So a pilot is getting ready for take off…
After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb. Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave? Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I’m Pope, I’d really like to drive today. I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you, says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he’s German.) Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. Oh, Dear God, I’m gonna lose my license — and my job! moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. So bust him, says the Chief. I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big, said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason! No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, Who ya got there, the Mayor? Cop: Bigger. Chief: The Governor? Cop: Bigger. Chief: The President? Cop: Bigger. Well, said the Chief, Who is it? Cop: I think it’s God! The Chief is stumped, You been drinking, John? Cop: No Sir. Chief : Then what makes you think it’s God? Cop: He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur. the popes chauffeur
After getting on the plane, they were informed that it was made by their students. All of them ran and got out of the plane except one. When asked for his reason to stay, he said, If it’s made by my students it will not even start. The engineer faculty was invited to go to Hawaii
after hiding in plane site Lost airport chameleon finally found
After seeing the success of Park ‘N Fly, Park ‘N Go, and Park ‘N Ticket, Michael decided he and his boy ought to get into the airport parking business. Unfortunately the two got off to a bit of a *shaky* start, and Park ‘N Son’s just wasn’t able to get back on their feet. The failed airport parking business
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath. You just made it! she says. Do you have your boarding pass? Oh, this isn’t my flight, the man says. I just wanted to tell you that I’m vegan. An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After some turbulence the pilot came on over the speaker and said, I’m sorry folks, but the turbulence has knocked out our engines and we are going down. If anyone is religious, now is a time to pray. The passengers were shocked but some started to pray. The priest glanced over at the rabbi and watched as the rabbi crossed himself. The priest smirked and continued with his praying. Miraculously the engines roared to life and the plane landed safely. The priest caught up with the rabbi and said, Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but notice that when the plane was going to crash you turned to christianity. What are you talking about? asked the rabbi. While you were praying, I saw that you crossed yourself. No, no, no, replied the rabbi. I was doing the usual inspection; Spectacles, testicles, money, and cigars. A rabbi and a priest are on a plane, sitting across the aisle from each other.
After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him. After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him Get me a whiskey, now! A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee. Hey, dumbass, the pigeon demanded after downing his drink, another whiskey! The attendant hurried to bring the pigeon the whiskey, but forgot the coffee. Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the pigeon’s approach. Hey! he yelled at the attendant. Get me a coffee now! A moment later, the door to the cockpit opened and the co-pilot came over. We’ve had enough of you two. He grabbed the man and the pigeon and tossed them out of the plane door at thirty thousand feet. As they plunged downward, the pigeon turned to the man and nodded to him, You know what, that was really gutsy, buddy, especially for someone who can’t fly. After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him….
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips. The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice. A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight…
After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him why are you so calm right now? The engineer answers If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certainty that this shit will never even turn on. A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference…
After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he’s going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension. I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could’ve asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a chain restaurant, he was a real loser, but he’s gone to school and worked his way up the food chain to become CEO! He’s got so much money and he’s so successful that he bought his best friend a new Mercedes-Benz. One dad is amazed, but the other is not impressed. That’s nothing! he says. My son is even better than yours. He started out flying remote control planes in the park, and now he owns an airline and flies hundreds of thousands of guests across the Earth! He bought his best friend a new private jet for his birthday. The third dad has had it. Your sons are both losers! My son is an architect. He started out designing mailboxes for our neighbors, and now he owns his own architectural company that designs mansions for music stars. He was able to casually build a 300,000 square foot home for his best friend. At this point, the fourth dad returns from the restroom. Sorry I was gone so long, what have you all been talking about? All the dads respond at once: We’ve been talking about how great our sons are!! The fourth dad hangs his head. Damn. My son is a total reject. We’ve given up hope on him. What could be so bad? asks one dad. You see, says the fourth dad, my son is a male stripper. All the dads gasp. Yeah, yeah, I know. However, my kid’s doing well for himself. His three best clients bought him a new car, a private jet, and a mansion!!! Four dads go out to dinner…
After training for months, the time had finally come for him to make his first real jump. The night before, in a panic, he called his father who had also been a paratrooper. Dad he said, Tomorrow is my first jump and I don’t think I can do it. Don’t worry, said his father, When you are up in the plane, you will remember all of your training and you will be fine. I felt the same way the night before my first jump and everything worked out. Call me tomorrow to let me know how things went. The next evening, the son called his father. How’d it go? the father asked. Oh dad, it was the worst day of my life. We reached jumping altitude and I was the first trooper in line. I stepped up to the door, my knees were shaking and I froze. The drill sergeant was screaming at me, telling me to jump. The other troopers were mocking me, but still I was frozen. After what seemed like an eternity the drill sergeant yelled in my ear: Soldier! If you don’t jump out of this plane by the time I count to three, I’m going to stick my dick all the way up your ass! One two , the son’s voice trailed off. So? Did you jump? asked the father. The son replied, A little at first. – Told to me by my father. A young man had dreamed of becoming a paratrooper.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, We’re just waiting for the pilots. The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot’s uniforms, walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff. As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!! The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die! Fright Flight
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, We’re just waiting for the pilots. The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot’s uniforms, walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff. As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!! The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die! Fright flight!
Aim to the sky, maybe you’ll shoot a plane. What does a terrorist tell hes son?
Ain’t no one got time to dress you before your burial if the plane is falling. **If hell exists, I just bought 1st front row business class ticket there** Why do people dress up for their flights?
Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers. I’m Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight. After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, I would really like a cup of coffee, and a blow job. The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, Don’t forget the coffee! Airplane open mic.
Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack. – OPRAH AND AIRPORT SECURITY Did you hear why Rosie O’Donnell got arrested?
Airport Staff: Sir, do you have anything to declare today? Me: *starts sweating* Uh no… *trips and falls* *hundreds of Kinder Surprise Eggs roll out of my pockets, jacket and briefcase* Airport Staff: **GET ON THE GROUND NOW!** Me: But I am. *armed Guards swarm around me and pin me down* Armed Guards: **WHAT’S IN THE EGGS?** Me: I don’t know it’s a surprise! Going Through Customs At A US Airport
Al Gore’s net worth is now reported at $200 million – you can tell as Gore’s newest documentary addresses his fear regarding the rising temperatures in his Benz’s heated seats. Taco Bell is now testing out a waffle taco – the waffle taco is marketed as A sunrise treat for the sunset of your bowel health . Biden has taken the time to talk natural gas with constituents – Biden posited the best get gas comes by either pulling rigorously from the ground or by pulling mightily from his finger. A movement is growing to have a scientist perform the next Superbowl halftime show – the scientist will put on a spectacular using improper integrals to calculate the infinite bounds of Tebow’s bench time. Chris Brown has reportedly been littering LA with brightly colorful graffiti – which is odd b/c he usually sticks to making his subjects black & blue. It was announced the new Star Wars will be filmed in the UK – you’ll notice when the Sarlaac has to get its rebels blended before devouring them due to bad dental. People can now formally air their gripes about the TSA’s full body scanner images – or have their images printed as centerfolds in the airport security nudie mag, TSA T&A . A French company plans to release scented underwear for men – featuring such very popular scents as Yesterday’s Ketchup and Ball Sweat in Bloom . Thanks for taking the time to read. I’m in love with YOU. See you tomorrow! https://twitter.com/ThePittifulNews Topical Jokes (5/12)
Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn’t have before – to move to Israel where he can end his days. Over a smorgasbord of pickled herring and gefilte fish Alan Finkekraut announced his intentions to all his relatives and friends: With my retirement the time has finally come for me to go to the land of my people. I’m going to Israel to die. With arched eyebrows and enthusiastic applause, the guests downed their brandies while looking at Alan with a mix of disbelief and envy. The very next day, Alan packed up all his belongings and found himself on the first flight to the Holy Land. When he returned six months later, the entire community was very surprised to see him. Alan, what are you doing here? they asked, We thought you went to Israel to die? I did go to Israel to die. The only thing is, I can’t *live* there. Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die…
Aliens suddenly show up on Earth. They ask to meet with the world leaders, and as they greet each one, they hold up a small black rectangle up over their eyes for about 3 seconds and smile, then move on to greet the next. After a while, one of the leaders asks, Why are you holding up the rectangle over your eyes? The aliens reply, We have been watching your species for several years, and whenever you come across another species from your planet, you do the same thing. We assumed it was the appropriate greeting. The man is puzzled for a second but then remembers the smartphone in his pocket…. Aliens finally visit Earth…
All of a sudden the airplanes engine stalls. The plane is going down. I repeat, the plane is going down! The Pilot announces, The woman starts to panic. No! No! I can’t die like this! I’ve been single for 15 years! I need a man to make me feel like a woman one last time! A very handsome man from the front of the plane stands up. I can help you with that. He starts slowly walking toward her. She is shocked at how sexy he is, and starts to tingle and sweat. He keeps walking toward her, slowly taking off his shirt one button at a time. She rips her shirt off and pulls her skirt down. Exposing her bra and panties. Oh yes. She says. He approaches her, unbuttons his last button, and takes off his shirt, revealing a washboard set of abs. He tosses her the shirt and says, Iron this, woman. A woman is traveling in an airplane..
All of a sudden, a large German military plane passes overhead. The Brit says Holy cow, what was that! The Indian flops down on his hands and knees. Where’s the holy cow? A Brit and an Indian walk down the streets of Brussels.
All of a sudden, the plane is about to crash, and so the passengers need to jump off due to the lack of parachutes. The Christian jumps off first and says, God will save me! and God saves him. The Buddhist then jumps off and says, Buddha will save me! and Buddha saves him. Now because the atheist didn’t believe in any higher being, he says, Nobody will save me! So nobody saves him and he dies. The agnostic then says to himself, Wow, what an idiot. So he decides to become Buddhist temporarily, as he did not reject the idea of a God as an agnostic. He jumps off and says, Buddha will save me! and Buddha saves him in midair. Then he said, Thank God that worked. Buddha then drops him and he dies. A Christian, a Buddhist, an atheist, and an agnostic are on a plane
All of these are from http://www.fun-with-words.com/ambiguous_headlines.html PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS 12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS HERSHEY BARS PROTEST A list of hilarious ambiguous headlines
All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down. The teacher says Johnny, there’s nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement? Johnny replies That’s not a dot, it’s a period, and my sister just missed hers, and it’s causing a lot of excitement at our house! The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that’s exciting…
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before: Englishman: I’ll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me Frenchman: Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else! The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn’t said anything the whole flight. Englishman: How many times did you make love to your wife last night? Italian: Once Frenchman: Once? What did she say in the morning? Italian: Don’t stop An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
all three of them have weapons. Halfway through the flight an attendant notices the weapons. She tells the men they cant have the weapons on the plane. The first man drops his arrows from the window. The second man drops his gun from the window. The third man drops his bomb. After the plane lands, the third man is walking along. He notices a little girl crying. Little Girl, why are you crying? He asks My dad just got hit by an arrow. she replies. Sheepishly he runs away. Then he meets a little crying boy. Little boy, why are you crying. My dad just got shot by god. It just came from the sky. The man begins to feel bad. Then he sees a little boy laughing. Little boy, why are you laughing. I just farted and my house blew up! Three men are on a plane
Allah take the flight controls How do you say Jesus take the wheel in Arabic?
along with a troupe of boyscouts. The airplane is going down FAST. There are parachuts, but only enough for a few people. The Rabbi says, Listen. We need to give the parachuts to the boyscouts. It’s the right thing to do. The Lawyer then responds, What are you crazy!? Fuck the boyscouts! The Priest quickly glances at his watch and says, DO WE HAVE TIME!? A Rabbi, Lawyer, and Priest are on an airplane…
Along with them are three children. The plane begins to go under a great amount of turbulence, and begins to drop out of the air. The doctor, lawyer, and priest go to the front of plane and find three parachutes. The doctor says Let the children have the parachutes, let them live a full life. The Lawyer exclaims FUCK THE KIDS! The priest replies Now? Do you think we still have time? A doctor, lawyer, and a priest are on a plane…
Alright guys, here we are to recap the day’s jokes. Let’s get started. First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane – but you should’ve seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad. (Chuckle in back. Burp) As a refresher, Taco Bell did announce it yesterday was going to make a new waffle taco. However, the Taco Bell CEO advises you eat the waffle taco for breakfast so your family has the rest of the day to set up and host your funeral. Vice President Biden made a speech to college grads telling them to avoid cynics. Biden advised the graduates, Say no to nay-sayers. You CAN stick your whole fist in your mouth. Believe me. I’ve done it. Big entertainment news. FOX is now planning to bring back 24 . Of course, at Kiefer Sutherland’s age, the show is now called 23 Plus Sitting Down for ‘Murder, She Wrote’ at 7 . (Scattered Applause. Man coughs) Um, In case you missed it, International Clitoris Week has just ended. I think it’s appropriate that at the end of the Week, we take a moment of silence to honor all the brave men who sacrificed life and limb going down on Paris Hilton. Very strange story, Mel Gibson told reporters he is a Tom Jones fan – and to make sure this racist Gibson lunatic stops listening his music, Tom Jones has just released What’s New Zion Lion? . The FBI recently raided an FBI student for making rice in a pressure cooker. You should have seen how tense it got when the student said he could really make the rice explode with some spicy Sriracha. That’s all for today, folks. Check out the running feed! https://twitter.com/TopTopical Adios! ATTENTION: I misspelled jokes . I also peed the bed till I was ten. Topical Joes (5/13)
Although it was only plane yogurt. On a recent flight I was surprised to be served breakfast.
Am American, German, and Polak are competing to see whose nation is better. The American says our planes are so good, they fly above the sky! The other two in disapproval say that’s bullshit The American then says okay okay they fly just below the sky The German then says, our submarines are so good the float across the ocean floor again the other two in dissaproval no way, that’s bullshit The German than restates okay okay 1 mile from the ocean floor The Polak thinking about what he can contribute, quickly scrambles and says our women give birth from their assholes! The other two very confused no way! That’s bullshit! The Polak says okay okay, quarter inch from the asshole An American, German, and. A Polak
Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american. The american says: I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window . The other two go Well, lets see . So he puts his arm outside the window and sais we just passed New York . How do you know? Because I touched the Liberty Statue . The French guy says I can do this too , stretches out his arm and says We are in Paris, I just touched the Eiffel Tower . The italian, unimpressed, puts his left arm outside, gets it back in in a second and says Well, we are in Naples The other two are surprised How do you know? What did you touch? And he answers: Nothing, my watch was just stolen . A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane…..
An ace pilot was up in his plane during his down time doing all sorts of tricks. He gets a furious call from his squadron leader on the ground saying Get that plane back in the hangar NOW! So, the pilot flies down to the hangar but he doesn’t land. He flies in one side of the hangar, comes out the other, turns around and does it again. The squadron leader calls again and says I told you to get that plane back in the hangar! The pilot replies I had it in there twice! Why didn’t someone shut the door while I was in there? The Ace Pilot
an aeroplane What’s white and kills you if it gets in your eye?
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket How is that you can fly so fast? The Rocket replies you will know the pain when they put fire at your back! An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. Moments later the tower land line rang which was answered by one of the employees. A passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone he yelled Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I have grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!! The employee in the tower put him on the speaker phone immediately. Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!! . He began his series of questions: Tower: How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?? Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me. Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180mph? Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me. Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down? Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar. Distress at 18,000 feet
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday! The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm! He began his series of questions: Tower: How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?? Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me. Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph? Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me. Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down? Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar. How do you know?
An airline pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, is your date running late? No, he replies, I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it? The pilot says, It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. The lady says, What’s it telling you now? Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties. The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties The pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, Damn, thing’s an hour fast. Confidence
An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin. The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die. BLIND PILOTS
An Airplane If two wrongs don’t make a right, what do two rights make?
An airplane crashed into a cemetery this morning. 400 bodies have already been found and the search continues. In other news…
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, You betcha! When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi. The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, Did you eat their legs? The chief replied, We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi. Another rescuer asked, Did you eat their arms? The Chief replied, We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi. After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, Did you…you know…eat, their…’things’? The chief says, No. No? asked the rescuer. No, replied the Chief, THINGS go better with Coke. An Airplane Carrying Pepsi Crashes…
An airplane is flying through the air across the Atlantic when the pilot realizes that there are five women holding on to the wings; four blondes and a brunette. The pilot proceeds to yell at the women and says that the plane can only land if there are two women holding on to each wing. Understanding that a someone would have to let go, the brunette releases her grip on the left wing in order to save the blondes and everyone on the airplane. Amazed by the brunette’s noble sacrifice the blondes begin clapping. Another blonde joke to top off the list.
an airplane is shipping a large amount of bricks, when suddenly the pilot yells over the intercom the plane is going down we need to lower the weight what do you do? *throw out one brick* how do you fit an elephant in a freezer? *open the door, let him in, shut the door.* how do you fit a giraffe in a freezer? *open the door, take out the elephant, let the giraffe in, shut the door.* the king of the jungle is holding a party and all the animals show up except one, who is it? *the giraffe* a woman is trying to cross a deadly river filled with deadly crocodiles, but survives. how? *all the crocodiles are at the party.* but then she suddenly dies. why? *she got hit by the brick……* The long haul
An airplane takes off and the pilot announces that they have reached a cruising altitude of 39,000 feet and that the passengers may use their electronics and whatnot. Forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot says to his co-pilot, You know right now I could really go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob. One of the stewardesses runs up the aisle to let the pilot know of his mistake when an older woman stops her and says, Hun, don’t forget the coffee. An airplane takes off…
An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarmed. This is a modern three engine transport jet and we can fly safely with two engines. However, due to the loss of power, our 9:00 o’clock arrival time has been set back to 10:30 pm. After another fifteen minutes there was second announcement: Attention please, we have just lost our number two engine. We can still complete the flight with the remaining engine, but our estimated arrival time is now 12:30 am. Finally, one of the passengers spoke up. Lord tunderin’ jeezus. If dat turd engine stops we’ll be up here all night. A four hour flight…
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, I am Russell Westbrook and I’m averaging a triple double. The Thunder and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die. So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The little boy said, That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my backpack. An airplane was about to crash with 4 passengers on board.
An airplane was about to crash.. There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger said, I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die. So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Tony Abbot said, I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest man in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die. He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry said, I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America. He grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl; I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The little girl said That’s okay, Mr President. There’s a parachute left for you…, Australia’s smartest man just took my schoolbag. Australia’s smartest man
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can’t afford to die. So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future President. I deserve to live And she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, I’m the president of the United States of America. I have great a responsibility to be alive being the leader of the lone super-power and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America’s people won’t like me dead He grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, I am old and frail and don’t have many years left, and I will sacrifice my life for a young life and let you have the last parachute. The girl said, it’s okay, there is a parachute left for you. America’s cleverest president has taken my schoolbag. So an airplane was about to crash…..
An airplane. If 2 wrongs don’t make a right, what do 2 rights make?
