A popular website for married men looking for secret affairs was hacked The company which runs this website would like to assure everyone that they are doing everything they can to protect their users’ personal information. In an effort to bring the hacking group which calls itself Project Unicorn to justice, they’re coordinating with the Department of Homeland Security, the Ontario Provincial Police, the U.S Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. When asked why the latter had to be involved a company spokesperson replied, It’s always good thing to have the mountees on the case when you’re trying to hunt down a bunch of Unicorns.
A blond goes to bed with a glass of water and an empty one. The latter is in case she wakes up not feeling thirsty.
The word Jack in the phrase Jack In The Box is open for interpretation. It can be understood as a noun or a verb. If it’s the latter, I don’t want to eat there anymore.
Murphy… strikes. Lowrey’s Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lowrey’s Law of Expertise Just when you get really good at something, you don’t need to do it any more. Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology There’s always one more bug. Lubin’s Law If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing. Luce’s Law No good deed goes unpunished. Lucy’s Law The alternative to getting old is depressing. Luten’s Laws 1. When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 2. It’s not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you’re off the ground. Lyall’s Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. Lyall’s Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing. Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. Lyon’s Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last. Madison’s Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class? Rev. Mahaffy’s Observation: There’s no such thing as a large whiskey. Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary) Malek’s Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Malinowski’s Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. Malloy’s Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause. The first Myth of Management It exists. Truths of Management: – 1. Think before you act; it’s not your money. – 2. All good management is the expression of one great idea. – 3. No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong. – 4. Cash in must exceed cash out. – 5. Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs. – 6. Either an executive can do his job or he can’t. – 7. If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don’t do it. – 8. If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly. – 9. If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail. – 10. The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it. Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers. Manly’s Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Mark’s mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Marshall’s Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can’t be seen. Marshall’s Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation: 1. Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy. 2. No two people perceive the same thing identically. 3. Few perceive what difference it makes — or care. Martha’s Maxim (and see Olum’s Observation and Farrow’s Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower. Dean Martin’s Definition of Drunkenness: You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. Martin’s Laws of Academia: 1. The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required. 2. Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate. 3. The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment. Martin’s Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time. Martin’s Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases. Martin’s Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Martin’s Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself. Matsch’s Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. Matsch’s Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. Matz’s warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. Maugham’s Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best. May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves). May’s Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor. McCarthy’s Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important. McClaughry’s Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement. McClaughry’s Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down. McDonald’s Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them. McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager. McGovern’s Law: The longer the title, the less important the job. McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur. McKenna’s Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle. McLaughlin’s Law (and see Parson’s Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting. McLean’s Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do. McNaughton’s Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated. Margaret Mead’s Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance. Melcher’s Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column. H. L. Mencken’s Law: Those who can — do. Those who cannot — teach. Those who cannot teach — administrate. (Martin’s Extension) Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. Merkin’s Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. Merrill’s First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors. Merrill’s Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road. Meskimen’s Laws: 1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There’s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Michehl’s Theorem: Less is more. Pastore’s Comment on Michehl’s Theorem: Nothing is ultimate. Mickelson’s Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. Mills’s Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way. MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. Mobil’s Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation. Moer’s Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog. Money Maxim: Money isn’t everything. (It isn’t plentiful, for instance.) Montagu’s Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible. Morley’s Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. Morton’s Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ( What this country needs are some stronger white rats. ) Mosher’s Law: It’s better to retire too soon than too late. Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it. Murchison’s Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell. Nader’s Law: The speed of exit of a civil servant is directly proportional to the quality of his service. NASA Skylab Rule: Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. NASA Truisms: 1. Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read. 2. A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 3. Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately. Law of Nations: In an underdeveloped country, don’t drink the water; in a developed country, don’t breathe the air. Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation. Evvie Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it. Nessen’s Law: Secret sources are more credible. Newman’s Law: Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. Newman’s Observation: The first shall be last and the last shall be first. But if you’re in the middle, you’re stuck there. Newton’s Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Nick the Greek’s Law: All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against. Nienberg’s Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Nies’s Law: The effort expended by the bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error. Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Nixon’s Rule: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Nobel Effect: There is no proposition, no matter how foolish, for which a dozen Nobel signatures cannot be collected. Furthermore, any such petition is guaranteed page-one treatment in the New York Times. Noble’s Law of Political Imagery: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. Corollary: Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American people will vote for the less bald of the two. North Carolina Equine Paradox: Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses? No. 3 Pencil Principle: Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most people will stop doing it. Corollary: If no one uses something, it isn’t needed. Nursing Mother Principle: Do not nurse a kid who wears braces. Nyquist’s Theory of Equilibrium: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. Oaks’s Unruly Laws for Lawmakers: 1. Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement. 2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
Dads… on the loose… 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid’s 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko… 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer What is brown and sticky? A stick. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH. What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter– he can’t come to you anyway. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses. What’s yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Why does Tigger smell bad? He’s always playing with pooh. What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley. How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash. Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice. You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots. Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don’t serve vegetables! The mushroom responds, But I’m a fungi! How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant? Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don’t sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? Look, here come the grapes! (Jane was colorblind.) What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? Here come the elephants! Tarzan wasn’t colorblind. What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time! How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree. Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn’t it? How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can’t get the door closed. How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There’s a Volkswagen parked out front. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you’re pooped out.
A man orders a coffee without milk. The barista replies, I’m sorry, we’re out of milk. Can I get you a coffee without cream instead?
Three mice are sitting at a bar Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese. The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day. The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a date with the cat.
How much of sex is work? A Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure? A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the enlist who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young enlist responded, Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? Well, sir, replied the enlist, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
Watermelons I’m going to break into your house every single night, and leave a watermelon under your bed, just one, every night, and you won’t notice me leave it there, but eventually you will notice the watermelons building up under your bed, and first, you’ll begin to wonder why? Why are there water melons under my bed? What’s going on here? I don’t eat fruit, so why would this be here? You’ll start creating theories and reasoning to yourself as to why the watermelons are there, you’ll lie to yourself just to confirm your illogical explanations as to why there are more and more watermelons under your bed every night. You’ll set up cameras to try to find the culprit, and they’ll be gone when you wake up. You’ll hire an exorcist to cleanse the house of demons and ghosts, you’ll hire a rodent killer to clear the entire house out, you’ll begin ripping apart the walls of your room to try find out what’s going on, you’ll try shutting down all the watermelon sales locations in Carlow and the surrounding counties, you’ll begin crying every night and laying awake trying to explain this to yourself, shuttering in the cold, trying to find me, and you won’t. You’ll go crazy, move country, move again, change names, hire a detective who’ll go missing, and you’ll start screaming every time you see a watermelon. You’ll end up in the Alps, sleeping in a cabin on a snowy forest, and it’ll have been years since you last saw a watermelon. You’ll wake up, have your morning coffee, lay in bed a bit, until you hear something roll out from under your bed. And you’ll scream. You’ll know why. You’ll know why I did it. I did it just so I could break you.
A few days ago I went to a zoo and the only animal they had was a dog, so I left and went to Starbucks for a coffee… It was a shit coffee
I used to so drugs in the 90s but now I usually turn the AC on It was a shit coffee
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. I learned a lot from them. Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied, I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, But what’s the dollar for? Well, she said, Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.
NSFW The first dirty joke I ever knew A man is taking an airplane flight on TWA from New York to Florida. A very beautiful stewardess brings the drink cart down the aisle, stops by the man, smiles a gorgeous smile and asks him, Would you like some TWA coffee, TWA soda or TWA water? He replies, How about some TWA tea? *I learned this joke from a friend I don’t remember in 1983 or 1984 during my pre-teen years, and I was having dinner alone with my Dad at a chinese restaurant when I brilliantly busted this out. I asked him to explain it because I didn’t understand it. Up to that point, I had never heard a dirty joke, nor knew what they were or that they even existed. I shall also preface this by explaining TWA Airlines ran in the US between 1925 and 2001 and was booming at the time I heard the joke.)* *My father explained that it was another word for sex . Also, that is the only time in my life I ever heard my father utter the word sex . Wasn’t sure if this would be considered NSFW so I decided to err on the side of caution.*
Coffee with Jesus A Republican in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked Is that Jesus sitting over there? The waitress nodded yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus, over there? The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, My treat. The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light! He too looked across the restaurant and asked, Isn’t that God’s boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. On my bill, he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, For your kindness, you are healed. The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, For your kindness, you are healed. The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord. Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, Don’t touch me……. I’m on disability.
How’d the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
HOT BREAKFAST ! An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. Just think, the old man says, we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago. Well, the old lady snickers, what do you say — should we get naked? The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. You know, honey, the little old lady says slyly, My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago. I’m not surprised, replies the old man. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
The Rooster A fox got into the rooster pen at a chicken farm and killed all the roosters. Distraught the farmer headed down the road to buy some new roosters. He had many chickens that needed servicing to make new baby chickens. So the farmer shows up at his neighbors house and asks if he has any roosters to sell. The neighbor says that he only has one for sale but it will take care of all the farmers needs. The farmer tells his neighbor that the. The neighbor assures the farmer that this one rooster will do the trick. So with no other option farmer agrees to buy the rooster. The neighbor whistles and the scrawniest, ugliest, rooster you have ever seen walks up to them. This rooster has about 4 feathers total, is missing an eye and looks like he’s about to die. The farmer reluctantly picks up this poor excuse for a rooster and takes him home. He sets the rooster by the hen coop and says well rooster do your thing . At that the rooster takes off like a bolt of lighting, feathers are flying out of the coop’s window, hens are going crazy and bam, bam, bam the rooster services 500 hens in about 15 minutes. Impressed the farmer heads back to tend to his other chores. Later that afternoon as the farmer is haying a field he sees the rooster swimming in the pond and BAM BAM BAM that rooster services all the ducks in the pond. Wow the farmer thinks what a great rooster. Later that evening as the farmer is sitting on the porch he notices the pheasants in his field are going crazy. Next thing you know he sees the rooster jump in the air catching pheasant after pheasant and taking them right there on the ground. THIS ROOSTER IS AMAZING the farmer things to himself. Impressed with his purchase the farmer goes to bed and sleeps better than he has in ages. The next morning the farmer gets up, makes his morning coffee, and heads out to check on his hens. Low and behold the rooster is laying in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling over head, dead as a door nail. The farmer begins to wail YOU WERE THE BEST ROOSTER EVER WHY, WHY GOD DID YOU HAVE TO DIE the farmer approaches the roosters corpse and gently puts the roosters head in his lap and begins to cry uncontrollably. Just then the rooster’s eye pops open and with a featherless wing he points to the sky and wispers Shhhhh they’re getting closer!
why did the hipster burn his lips? he drank coffee before it was cool
Two friends have a bet over who knows more people Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people. Stephen says: Well, that’s a freebie – I’m bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera. James: Yeah, but I bet you don’t know the state government. Stephen: What? How would y– nonsense, you don’t know them, least of all the governor. James: Let’s drive to the state capitol and find out, shall we? I bet you 50 bucks. Stephen agrees, and as they reach the capitol, James is greeted on the stairs by numerous representatives when the governor storms out and is delighted to see him: James! Good to see you, old buddy, what’s up? Stephen raises his eyebrows and pays up the 50 dollars. Wow, you really do know people. It’s still the same state though, but there’s one person you possibly can’t know in person – the President! James: You’re willing to bet? Stephen: What the hell, I’ll give you $500 if he recognizes you. I always wanted to see Washington, anyway. After they have landed in D.C., they take a taxi to the White House and decide to just stroll around a bit in front of it. Suddenly, the front gate opens, they are approached by the Secret Service and led into the building. As they reach the Oval Office, the chair swivels around and a delighted Barack Obama gets up and proceeds to give James a heartily hug: Jimmy, my friend, how’s it going? I just saw you walking by outside, it’d be rude if I didn’t invite you in and offer you something. Let me guess – coffee with a bit of milk and no sugar, as always, am I right? Stephen drops his jaw: How on Earth… this.. how did you… James grins: It’s my personal little secret. About the $500… Stephen: Yeah, take it. I still can’t believe it. But — there’s still one person who definitely won’t know you personally… the *Pope*. Five thousand dollars. James: It’s on, let’s go to Rome. Obama: Did you guys say Rome? Jimmy, why don’t you take the Air Force One? I won’t be needing it this week. The next day they’re wandering about St. Peter’s Square, when the Swiss Guard approach the two: His Holiness was informed that you were in town, and he humbly requests your company. Would you please follow us? James follows the guards, leaving behind a flabbergasted Stephen. After a few minutes, the Pope appears on the balcony together with James and both start waving to the cheering crowd below. Moments later, Stephen faints and James rushes down to help him. James: You alright? Didn’t expect me to know the Pope, did you? Stephen: Well, I almost expected that — but a couple of Asian tourists just asked me, ‘Who is the funny-looking guy next to James?’
Made up my own joke today when visiting my brother. I like my coffee like I like my woman. Made by your grandmother. Yes we do your mamma jokes even though we’re brothers.
The postman’s last day The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he’d like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him. He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies:: Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me ‘Fuck’em, give’em a dollar!’. The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, Breakfast was my idea!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool..
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist Monk are stranded on a hostile island They are quickly caught by the vicious tribe that inhabits the island. The chief of the tribe gives the 3 men 2 choices: Death or what he calls the Barbarians The Rabbi is the first to choose, he doesn’t want to die so he chooses the latter. All of a sudden he is grabbed by the throat and dragged into a tent where he is then beaten and tortured until he is at the brink of death at which point he is thrown out of the tent, bloody and barely breathing, but still alive. The Priest is the next to choose. He says well, I have sinned much in this life and I am not yet ready to die, so i too, will choose ‘the Barbarians’ He is also grabbed by the throat and dragged into the tent where he too is beaten without mercy and then tossed aside, bloody and broken, but still just barely alive. The Chief then turns to the Buddhist Monk and asks what fate he will choose. The Buddhist Monk says Well, I believe there is another life waiting for me, so i will choose death The Chief then says death it shall be… …but first he says with a twinkle in his eye … ‘the Barbarians!!’
Four ladies are having coffee together… The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’. The second woman replies, My son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’. The third woman says smugly, My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’. The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle Well…? She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6’2 , hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God..’
No, he’s higher up. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks.’No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘Why no,’ he answers, ‘I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.’ Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an Angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘ No, I am Jesus, the Christ; You will find Mohammed higher up.’ Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’ Obama says, ‘Yes please!’ As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!
A Canadian Army NCO was about to start…. …the morning briefing to all of his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was ‘work’, and how much of it was pure ‘pleasure’? A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of ‘work’. A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%. A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of ‘pleasure’, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the N.C..O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion ? Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir. The N.C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said And why is that soldier ? Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir . The room fell silent. God Bless the Newfie.
Topical Jokes for 6/20 (For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality) In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937. In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down, left right, left right, and B, A. The Governor of Florida signed a law today making it legal to fire a warning shot at an attacker. The legalization of warning shots is important in Florida, because that’s how people greet each other. Starbucks is increasing the price of it drinks and bagged coffee. To protest the price hikes, customers vowed to boycott Starbucks, and go across the street to a *different* Starbucks.
A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way. So it’s early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say’s to her husband, You know, the bible say’s that men should make the coffee. Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies *Hebrews*
COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER’S SQUARE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square. The first man tells his friends, My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’. The second man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’. The third Catholic gent says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’. The fourth man says very proudly, My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well….? She modestly replies, I have a daughter – slim, tall, beautiful olive eyes, big breasts and small waist. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God!…
The VW Genie A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him Nice car! I’m willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000 The rich guy looks at him and says why would I want your car? At this point the VW’s driver rubs the steering wheel and out comes a genie. He tells him I’d like to have some tea . In a flash it’s in his hand. The Rolls’ owner goes berserk, gives him the money and the Rolls, and takes the Beetle. He drives up to his mansion, and everybody is wondering why he’d be driving a car like that. Proudly, he rubs the steering wheel, and out comes the genie. He tells him I want a million dollars in cash! The genie says Sorry, sir. I just do tea & coffee
My favorite construction joke A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that they take the pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house. My goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied, I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
A Great Italian Place Two elderly couples get together every Sunday night for dessert and coffee. One Sunday, while the wives are in the kitchen, the husbands are chatting about restaurants. We found a lovely little Italian place in town one husband says. Delicious manicotti, great wines, just perfect. What is it called? the other husband says. The first husband goes, It was called…oh, my. I can’t…it’s called…oh, darn it. It’s right on the tip of my tongue! Wait, okay, what’s the name of the flower, you know…the pretty one with the thorns? You mean a Rose? the other husband says. That’s it! the first husband says, and turns towards the kitchen. ROSE! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT PLACE WE WENT TO?!!
Men are like… Men are like…..Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it. Men are like…..Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like…..Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest. Men are like…..High Heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like…..Curling Irons. They’re always hot and they’re always in your hair. Men are like….Mini Skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs. Men are like…..Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like…..Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like…..Vacations. They never seem to be long enough. Men are like…..Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like….Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like…..Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like…..Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like…..Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like…..Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like…..Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like…..Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.
Just saw a last name of Takeshita. My friend and I decided I should marry him so that we can make the following puns: -I would need to have two daughters: Anita and Ivana -These daughters would need to set firm boundaries in their dating relationships, especially in regards to drugs, resulting in them telling guys, Look, either Takeashita or get off the pot. (Of course, the girls wouldn’t stand for crack, either.) -We would always meet people later in the morning so that their schedules could read, 9 am: coffee, 10 am: Takeashita -We would also be an active family that enjoys mud races. This would be posted on our blog, Takeshitas on the Run -We could get a family weiner dog and name him Beany Weany. Now that my future is looking glorious, any other suggestions for my future family?
No chemistry An enzyme asks a tall, cool glass of milk out on a date. The enzyme takes the milk out to a fancy steakhouse and later to an ice cream shop for dessert. At the end of the night, the enzyme asks, So, you wanna come up to my place for some coffee? The milk says, Sorry, this isn’t what I’m looking for. I gouda go, and leaves. The enzyme curses under his breath, Spoiled bitch.
A redneck is driving down the road… He sees a black guy walking along the side. He swerves, hits the black guy, and goes One more nigger handled rightly. A little farther down the road, he sees another black guy, does the same, and again jokes, Cleaning up America, one nigger at a time. Now a little farther down the same road he sees a priest hitchhiking. ‘Can’t let a man of the cloth walk when the lord’s been so good to me,’ he thinks as he pulls over and picks up the priest. Going down the road making small talk to the priest, he sees yet another black guy on the side of the road. He thinks to himself, ‘Oh, three in one day would just be great…. but I got a priest with me… if I swerve and run the nigger over he’ll damn me to hell… what do I do…’ He comes up with a plan, knocks his coffee over onto his lap, acts like it burns him, screams out and swerves. Oh shit, Oh lord, the coffee burnt me, did I hit him? he asks the priest in a fake panic. The priest responds, No… but I got him with the door.
Phil dies and is met by the Devil in front of three doors. The Devil takes him to one side. ‘Look, Phil,’ he says, ‘we’re trying something out to cut down on admin down here. We used to assign punishments to the damned that fit their sins, but now we’re letting people choose themselves.’ He gestures to the three doors. ‘What I can do for you is this: I’ll show you what’s in these three rooms. You need to then choose. But once you’ve chosen, you can’t change your mind. Deal? Ah, what am I saying, I don’t care if you like it or not. OK, Door Number 1!’ He pushes open the door and Phil immediately gags and steps back in disgust. A wave of nausea passes through him as he sees a group of people standing up to their waists in human effluence – not just your regular room of crap either, this is hardcore recovering-from-a-hangover-level stuff. Perhaps even worse was the low-quality stream of Nickelback’s back catalogue playing through tinny mobile phone speakers on the ceiling. ‘Not for you?’ asks the Devil. ‘Oh… ok then. How about Door Number 2?’ Phil didn’t think there was anything in the collected history of human experience worse than what he had just seen, but he had to recalibrate when he saw the next room. People were standing up to their necks in post-curry turds; any attempt to raise an arm to wipe their sweating foreheads just splashed the poor soul next to them, who them splashed them back. It was awful. And Frankee’s FURB was playing at an uncomfortably high volume. ‘Yeah, I’m really not sure why people keep on choosing that room,’ said the Devil as he closed the door. ‘Alright then Phil, one last door to open.’ While still stomach-churning, the room behind Door Number Three was almost pedestrian compared to the last two. Faeces still reached up to the occupants’ shins, but they were all stood around drinking coffee – albeit cold – and smoking cigarettes – albeit menthols. The music wasn’t half bad either, comparatively speaking. I mean, everyone likes Cher *deep down*, don’t they? ‘Door Number 3, I choose Door Number 3!’ shouted Phil. ‘Please oh please make it Door Number 3.’ ‘Well OK,’ replied the Devil, somewhat surprised. ‘I mean, if that’s your thing. Come on then, in you go.’ A polite shove and Phil was in the room. No one acknowledged him, they were too busy taking long pulls from their cigarettes and frantically drinking their coffee. The Cher cut out and was replaced by the Devil’s voice. ‘OK guys, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads, please.’ Edit: hurrrr homophones
Feel the beat I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A man finds a penguin on the road… A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do. – Take it to the zoo replies the officer. One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side. What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo. I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .
Three Great Story Jokes I have three really great story jokes that I rely on to break the ice with a new group of people. It always works. At the very worst, you will get some groaning chuckles. Make sure you read each of the jokes to the finish! The payoff is great. **Bob’s Brick** There’s this guy named Bob. Bob has terrible OCD. Bob also has a terrible desire to own a brick patio. His OCD prevents him from trusting anyone else to make the plan for his patio, so he sets to work for hours drawing up the perfect plan, measuring it out down to the last brick. Finishing his plan, he finds that he will need exactly 99 bricks to build his patio. So he calls up Acme Bricks and says, I need exactly 99 bricks! Well, sir, we only sell bricks in palettes of 100. We don’t sell them in any other amounts. Is that okay? Oh no, no no no. That won’t do. I need 99 bricks. I’m not going to use that extra brick. What am I supposed to do with an extra brick? It has to be exactly 99 bricks. Well, sir, what if you break a brick while you’re working? It will be good to have a spare. Believe me, lady, I won’t break a brick. I’m careful. I need 99 bricks. At this point the lady is becoming impatient and just wants to sell him the palette, so she says, I’ll tell you what, sir. If you finish building your patio and you still have that brick left over you can send it back to us for a refund. Deal, says Bob! A week passes and the 100-brick palette arrives. Bob immediately sets to work laying each brick, meticulously measuring everything, gingerly handling each brick. Hours later, Bob has a beautiful new patio, but just as he said, he is left with one extra brick. Bob calls up Acme Bricks. Listen, I got one brick left and I was told I could get a refund! I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t offer refunds. After much back and forth, Bob eventually is forced to give up his hope of a refund. And so it came to be that he couldn’t return the one brick. That one singular red brick. Bob sits the brick on the kitchen counter and has a bite to eat. As he washes the dishes he finds that he can’t take his eyes off the brick, and as a result he has accidentally been using a fork to wash his plate. Angered by this, he grabs the brick and runs into the living room, placing the brick on the coffee table. He goes back to washing dishes in peace. Later, he is sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune, but he can’t seem to guess any of the phrases because all he can think about is that stupid brick staring at him from the coffee table. He grabs it and takes it to the bathroom, putting it on the back of the toilet. Later that evening, he is trying to take a whizz, and he can’t even AIM for the sight of the brick on the back of the toilet. This being the last straw, he grabs the brick, runs outside, screams at the heavens and he throws the brick straight up into the air!! **Carl the Conductor** There was once a man named Carl. Carl always wanted to be a trolley conductor, so he went to trolley conductor school. There he studied hard and graduated at the top of his class. When he graduated he had trolley companies lining up for him to come conduct for them. Eventually he settles on the Red Trolley Company in New York City. Years pass without incident until one day Carl accidentally ran over and killed none other than Regis Philbin. Now, as everyone knows, Regis Philbin has some exceptionally fanatical fans, and as a result Carl was placed on death row for his crime. Carl was a model inmate, never causing trouble and even starting a knitting club with the other death row inmates. As a result of this, Eugene the executioner took a liking to Carl. This made it sad for Eugene when Carl’s day to be electrocuted came. Eugene decided that he would offer Carl one favor, and it could be anything, before he took the chair. Carl thought about it, and he said, Eugene, there is one thing in this entire world that I can think of that I want right now, and it’s a blueberry plucked from the depths of the Amazon rainforest. If I could have that, I can die a happy man. Eugene dutifully climbed aboard a plane and flew to the Amazon and hiked into the heart of the Amazon rain forest where he found a beautiful glade filled with blueberries. He picked a few and returned to New York. He gave the berries to Carl, and Carl appreciatively ate them with a big smile on his face. With everything ready to go, Eugene tearfully pulled the lever and the chair zipped and zapped, but when it was finished Carl was miraculously unharmed! Given that there was no legal precedence for the situation, and given that technically Carl served out his sentence, Carl was released from prison a free man. It took some convincing, but Carl managed to land a job at the Yellow Trolley Company in New Jersey, where he did a fantastic job conducting until one day he accidentally ran over and killed none other than Snooki. Now there aren’t *many* fans of Snooki, but the ones that exist are the most rabid and vicious fans in the world, and so Carl found himself on death row again. Eventually it came time to go to the electric chair again. A few days before the execution, he was approached by the executioner: Eugene. Eugene explained that he had been fired from his job in New York because the failure of the electric chair was blamed on him, but he had no hard feelings toward Carl. He took at as a sign that they would end up in the same place together again, and he offered Carl the same offer, and Carl had the same request. Returning from the Amazon with the blueberries, Eugene allowed Carl to eat them, and he flipped the switch again, unsure what to expect. Sure enough, Carl survived yet again, and found himself a free man. Carl found a job at the Green Trolley Company in California. Believe it or not, he accidentally ran yet another person over. This time it was none other than the Governator himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Needless to say, Carl found himself facing the chair again. A few days before his execution, he was approached by his old friend Eugene the executioner, who once again was fired and once again wound up in the same place. Eugene said, Carl, I know I’m going to regret this, but you want those berries again, don’t you? Carl nodded, and Eugene, once again, made a trip to the Amazon. On the day of the execution, Carl had his berries and Eugene flipped the switch. To everyone’s surprise but Carl and Eugene, Carl was unharmed! Just as they were about to let Carl go, Eugene stopped him and said, Carl, listen, you owe me this. You gotta tell me how you are doing this! Carl stopped for a moment, thought about it, and said, Gee, Eugene. I don’t know… I guess I’m just a terrible conductor. **Fred’s Flight** There’s this guy named Fred. Fred has an interview to get to in Japan, and he’s taking an overnight flight to get there. Fred decides he’s going to try to sleep on the flight so he’ll be well rested and ready for the interview first thing in the morning. He boards his flight and takes his seat next to this sweet little old lady. Ahh, he thinks, she certainly won’t be a problem. The flight takes off and, Fred leans back, closing his eyes, drifting off to sleep… *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred starts awake and looks around for the source of the sound. He notices that the old lady has carried a small dog onto the plane in her purse! Listen lady, I’m trying to get some sleep over here. I have a very important interview in the morning! The lady apologizes profusely and hushes the dog. Fred drifts back to sleep… Fred is skipping nude through fields of daisy, dancing with the woodland creatures. A dog comes to join the dance. It looks at him. It opens its mouth. *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred groans, waking up, and looks at the old lady sternly. I told you, I have to get my sleep! Shut the dog up or I’ll shut him up! The lady hushes the dog, and Fred dozes back off… Fred is at a French cafe on the waterfront, having a romantic dinner with his favorite supermodel. He leans in for a ki– *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred wakes up! He reaches over and grabs the little mutt and runs to the door of the plane. He opens the door and throws the dog out! Returning to his seat, he tells the crying old woman that he will buy her a new dog when they get to Japan. After a little bit, the man falls asleep again… He’s back in high school… he’s in the cafeteria… everyone is shouting Look! Look! and he realizes he’s completely naked! He wakes up and sees everyone gathered around a window shouting Look! Look! Fred pushes to the front and looks out the window, wondering what they could be seeing… he finally gets a glimpse: It’s the brick! ———— See, didn’t I tell you it would all pay off!? I love these jokes. Sorry for the wasted time! Now go use them to waste someone else’s!
What can I get for you? Two girls go to coffee shop giggling and making fun of each other. They wait in line for their turn to order coffee. Guy at the counter , Hi AnaConda what can I get for you that human drink ?
A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink, and then says to the barman, Why don’t blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. He is met with a stony silence. All he hears are a set of footsteps approaching him, followed by a rough voice. Hey, buddy. I’m 6′ 4 and a trained martial artist. The guy who just served you is bigger than me and a cage fighter. The only other person in here is the biggest out of the three of us, and he’s just someone you *really* don’t want to fuck with. Now, do you want to tell that joke again? The blind man thought about it for a moment and replied, No. I’m not explaining it three times.
A Washington, DC flea goes to book a vacation with his travel agent because he’s been cooped up in a K Street lobbyist’s crotch for the past 8 months and he feels overworked. So his travel agent says, You won’t believe the package I’ve got for you! Fifteen days in Obama’s haircan you believe it? He’s going to be at Camp David the whole time, it should be real nice and relaxing. The flea says yes and heads out to Camp David. But two days later he comes back to his travel agent and says, Well I really liked Camp Davidthe food, the atmosphere, the poolbut Obama only spent a few minutes enjoying himself, and the rest of the time he was being ushered this way and that. There were flashbulbs going off, TV camera lights, it wasn’t very private. Gee, I’m sorry about that. Say, you liked it up at Camp David, what do you say I hook you up with a great deal that just came across my desk: the rest of your vacation in Eric Holder’s ‘stache. It’ll be perfect, he’s up at Camp David too, but he’s got no media spotlight on him, I guarantee that you won’t see a single flashbulb. So the flea says OK and heads back to Camp David to unwind in Eric Holder’s mustache. A few days later he returns, aggravated and stressed-out. What happened? asks his travel agent. Oh, it was nice at first, Holder went out and spent some time with the First Lady and her daughters, but the rest of the time he was just cooped up in his room, drinking coffee, studying a bunch of legal strategy, and ‘talking policy’ on the phone. I wouldn’t call it very relaxing; the guy hardly sleeps. Hmm, I didn’t anticipate Holder would be such a workaholic, says the travel agent. But I’d like to make it up to you. I’ll have to cash in some favors, but I think I can get you ten days in Michelle O’s muff. So the travel agent works it out, and the flea goes off to spend some quality vacation time in Michelle Obama’s muff. Five days later he’s back in his travel agent’s office. His agent moans, What’s it this time?! You’re not supposed to be back for five more days. Do you have any idea how many calls I had to make to get you that spot?! Oh, it was great! says the flea. You know, the First Lady hardly has any official functions. She sits by the pool all the time, relaxing, listening to great music, sipping pi a coladas. We even went to this fabulous state dinner one night. So? What’s the problem? Well I’m really enjoying myself, then the next thing I know I’m back in Eric Holder’s mustache.
How did the hipster burn his tongue Because he was drinking coffee before it was cool
Fix the joke – A physicist and his coffee A physics professor was a horrible caffeine addict – he never went anywhere without a full coffee cup. He was notorious amongst his students for having an obvious tell on what would be on his exams. Any time during lecture he got excited, he would inevitably spill his coffee on the floor. As a result, his students vastly outperformed the other physics 101 classes. It became such a problem that the head of the physics department called this professor into his office. Why are you always spilling your drinks and giving away exactly what you’ll be testing? You’re screwing up the grading curve, and the janitorial staff is breathing down my neck. It can’t be helped. Oh? You should know better than most. The coffee gets me excited, and sooner or later it has to the ground state.
He said, She said He said…Want a quickie? She said…As opposed to what? He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said…You wear briefs, don’t you? He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. He said…This coffee isn’t fit for a pig! She said…No problem, I’ll get you some that is. She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said…It’s not my fault. I ran out of money. He said…Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said…Well, you succeeded. He said…If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well. She said…Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well. He said…You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said…No, have you? He said…Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. He said…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said…I would, but you’re never there.
3 Mice in a Bar Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times. The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day. The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.
The Detroit Lions are starting their season on a big losing streak . . . because the coach can’t get a decent quarterback. He’s tried drilling the team’s younger talent, trading players, and he still doesn’t get anywhere. Then one night on the news there’s a Taliban uprising. He sees one young Taliban dash into the square and throw a Molotov cocktail twenty-five yards into a little second story window and ignite a house. The same guy then pitches a grenade seventy-five yards and lands it into a narrow little chimney, blowing up the whole building. There’s my new quarterback! exclaims the coach. We’ve got to go find this kid. So they send some people over to Afghanistan and they’re able to scare up the young Taliban recruit, working from a bit of news footage. They bring him over, teach him the game, fit him into his uniform, and their season really starts to turn around. In fact, they’re able to make it to the Super Bowl. And in the latter seconds, they win the game. So the quarterback calls up his mom. Mom, I can’t believe it, we won! I have no son, she says back. But Mom, this is the biggest game in the world, and I just threw the winning touchdown. I have no son, his mother repeats. Come on Mom, I’ll get all kinds of endorsements, I’ll become famous . . . Listen: your brother was shot leaving the house today, there are bombs going off all over the place, and your sister won’t go anywhere because she’s afraid of getting raped; I’ll never forgive you for bringing us to Detroit.
A guy wins a contest s] \ A guy wins a contest at home depot Home depot manager: Alright sir for your prize would you rather have a ladder or 1 million dollars? Man: I’ll take the latter.
