My grandmother tried keeping her hysterectomy a secret… …but the doctors let the cat out of the bag.
How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a crazy cat lady? None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.
Two cats crossing a river Two cats are swimming across a river. Only one of them made it. One cat was named one, two, three and the other cat was named un, deux, trois. Which one made it across the english or the french cat? The english cat of course, un, deux, trois cat sank. *basic knowledge of french required, if you don’t understand the joke.
Kill the cat on the first night A man and woman got married and enter their hotel room. The wife had decided to bring her cat with her. While the husband and wife were lying in bed the cat meowed and the husband looked towards it and said ONE. Then after a little bit the cat meowed again and the husband said TWO. Then while the husband and wife were in conversation, the cat meowed again for the third time and the husband silently pulled out his sword and cut off it’s head! In the morning, the husband requested a glass of water from his wife but she told him to get it himself. He said ONE and quickly came the glass of water.
Wish i could meet Johnny once. Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found what was making them so sick . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it’s head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis then laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats .they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet . By this time, Johnny’s mother had passed out cold.
A zoophiliac, a necrophilliac, a masochist, a sadist, and a satanist are in a room A zoophiliac, a necrophilliac, a masochist, a sadist, and a satanist are in a room together. I want to find a cat to fuck says the zoophilliac We should sacrifice it to our dark Lord when you’re done. says the satanist. Good idea, but we should cut its eyes out and skin it while its still alive before we kill it says the sadist Then after we kill it we can fuck it! says the necrophiliac The masochist looks around the room. meow he says
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I went down the street to the 24 hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a now. If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
wise man jokes? I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I went down the street to the 24 hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a now. If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
You Get What You Pay For A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure… after all, she didn’t want to bury it and then find out it wasn’t dead. So she took it to the vet. The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn’t find one. He held a mirror up to the dog’s nose but it stayed clear. He said, Well, the dog does look dead, but I’d like to run one more test. He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it’s head and tail and goes back into the carrier. Vet says, Well, ma’am, I’m sorry to say but your dog is dead. Well, that’s what I came here to find out, she says, How much do I owe you? That’ll be $520. What? she screams, $520 to tell me my dog’s dead?? Why so much? Well, said the vet, it’s $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan.
Seven cats Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?! Johnny: Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!
Little bill came in from recess Little billy came from recess where he was greeted at the door by his teacher. how was your recess? he asked billy. it was good, I played in the sand box with little susan billy replied. that sounds lovely. If you can spell the word cat you can have an extra 10 minutes of recess . c-a-t and off he went. Next in came little Susan. how was your recess little susan? oh it was good. I played in the sand box with little billy . how nice, if you can spell the word dog I’ll give you an extra 10minutes of lunch . d-o-g and off she went after him. Then in came little Ahmed. how was your recess little Ahmed? it wasn’t that great. I wanted to play in the sand box with billy and Susan but they wouldn’t let me because I’m ethnic. that’s too bad little Ahmed. I tell you what, if you can spell racial discrimination you can have an extra 10 of recess
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
[Dadjoke] A man walks into a gun shop to buy a gun, the owner shows the man a beautiful 6 shot Smith and Wesson revolver, the customer says no thanks I need a 9 shot….. …it’s for the cat next door.
If humans are a product of pure evolution. Then why can’t people survive without money? I’ll tell you why.. Its the extra dimensional race of aliens controlling our minds, and they give us the illusion of choice by dangling an unattainable reality before us.. Be it media, meme, radio or funny cat video, we are all slaves..
I ran into a racist Jamaican on Halloween, I went into a gas station wearing an Obama mask, he said no mosques allowed. Then why can’t people survive without money? I’ll tell you why.. Its the extra dimensional race of aliens controlling our minds, and they give us the illusion of choice by dangling an unattainable reality before us.. Be it media, meme, radio or funny cat video, we are all slaves..
TWO CATS ARE SWIMMING ………… two cats are swimming across a river .one’s name is one two three and the other’s name is UN deux trois . who makes its across? one two three , because un deux trois cat sank. hahahahahahs amazing nah
CAT HOSPITAL Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done.
Dog Jokes I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Jimmy ran over Miss Jane’s cat with his car. Jimmy felt terrible and went to Miss Jane and said, I have run over your cat, I feel terrible, can I replace your cat for you? Miss Jane replied, Well I don’t know, how are you at catching mice?
Where would you park your camel? The Camelot. PS Booze helped with this and now I’m laughing alone in my apartment Edit: Went to class, came back, saw this. Me and my cat are thoroughly pleased.
So a woman is looking lost in the produce section of a grocery store… So a man that works there approaches her and asks Can I help you find something? Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli? she asks. Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow . A few minutes go by, but the woman continues to roam the produce section looking lost. The worker approaches her again. Can I help you find something else, miss? Yes , she says. Can you please direct me to the broccoli? Puzzled, the man again replies I’m sorry, we’re all out of broccoli. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. Several more minutes go by, and the woman is still wandering around the produce section, looking more lost than ever. The man reluctantly approaches her for the third time. Is there something else I can help you find? he asks. Yes she says. I’m looking for the broccoli . The man gets a dumbfounded look on his face, and decides to attempt to figure out what exactly is wrong with this woman. Ma’am can you do me a favor and spell cat , as in catastrophic ? Without hesitation, she spells the word correctly. Good he says. Now can you spell dog as in dogmatic? . Again, she recites the spelling flawlessly. Very good, very good says the man. Now can you spell fuck as in broccoli? Looking confused, the woman asserts But there is no fuck in broccoli . I know! The man exclaims. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
In the Vampire Killing Company, everyone is a stakeholder So a man that works there approaches her and asks Can I help you find something? Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli? she asks. Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow . A few minutes go by, but the woman continues to roam the produce section looking lost. The worker approaches her again. Can I help you find something else, miss? Yes , she says. Can you please direct me to the broccoli? Puzzled, the man again replies I’m sorry, we’re all out of broccoli. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. Several more minutes go by, and the woman is still wandering around the produce section, looking more lost than ever. The man reluctantly approaches her for the third time. Is there something else I can help you find? he asks. Yes she says. I’m looking for the broccoli . The man gets a dumbfounded look on his face, and decides to attempt to figure out what exactly is wrong with this woman. Ma’am can you do me a favor and spell cat , as in catastrophic ? Without hesitation, she spells the word correctly. Good he says. Now can you spell dog as in dogmatic? . Again, she recites the spelling flawlessly. Very good, very good says the man. Now can you spell fuck as in broccoli? Looking confused, the woman asserts But there is no fuck in broccoli . I know! The man exclaims. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
A teacher asks a student a question. Teacher: If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have? Student: Seven. Teacher: Listen carefully. If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have? Student: Seven. Teacher: Okay, how about I put it this way. If I give you two apples, then two more apples, and then another two apples, how many apples do you have? Student: Six. Teacher: Good, you get it! So if I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?? Student: Seven. Teacher: Why the heck seven?? Student: Because I already have a cat!
p*ssy The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
What was Schrödinger’s favorite childhood book? The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
Server not found I was trying to look at one of these threads and a page came up that said the servers are busy and had the reddit alien on a computer with his cat tangled in the computer chords, and what’s funny is that’s how my grandmas cat died
A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop. Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm. The cop asks Heisenberg Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies, No, but we know exactly where we are! The officer looks at him confused and says you were going 110 miles per hour! Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, Great! Now we’re lost! The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk. A cat , Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells Hey! This cat is dead. Schrödinger angrily replies, Well he is now. The cop proceeds to arrest the three. Ohm resists and gets tased.
A hot day (nsfw maybe?) One hot summer day there was this fly sitting on a branch over a stream. In the stream there was a fish that thought if that fly moves down 6 inches I could jump out of the water and get the fly. On shore there was a bear watching this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the water I could grab that fish for a nice meal today. A few yards behind the beat there was a hunter having lunch watching all this who thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish I could shoot the bear for a nice trophy today. Behind the hunter there was a mouse watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear he would have to put his sandwich down and I could grab it for a nice meal today. Behind the mouse there was a cat watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich I could grab the mouse and have a nice meal today. Well, just about that time it got too hot for the fly soooo the fly moved down 6 inches and the fish jumped out of the and the bear reached to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich and the cat pounced for the mouse. To make a long story short the cat missed, rolled into the river and drowned to death. Moral of this story? When a fly moves down 6 inches a pussy is in danger.
My cat tried to rape me and stuff kay, so the night before… Me and my cat Hamilton had a rap-o-thon. My cat: I ate yo 8 m8 g8 b8 in the h8 i s8 thuug b8 in sl8 pl8 w8 m8 d8 n8 bruh yo yo ugh Me: And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming And they don’t stop coming (x149) Turns out I caught Ham on fire with that rap attack. He was very ticked at me, especially since I gave him the Meow brand not the Catnip brand cereal. So last night while I was cleaning the soap, when at that moment… I dropped it. I leaned to pick it up, and Ham fists my asshole with his claw. I do admit, I actually liked the feels of it, but I still am afraid he may rape me again. Ever since then I will always remember…. Give him the Catnip brand.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Sorry, my cat walked on my keyboard and accidentally typed something Welsh.
Cat Heaven One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know. The cat thinks for a moment and says, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. The Lord stops the cat and says, Say no more, and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore? The Lord says, Say no more and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, How are things since you got here? The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
A mafia nursery rhyme the cat goes meow. the cow goes moo! The dog goes woof, and that fucking stool pigeon Anthony better shut up before I have him take his final fucking bow.
Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer? Because cats explode when I run over them
My wife is mad and I’m never going food shopping again. She said, get cat food, a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of whole wheat bread. And, check to see if they have free range eggs. If they do, get a dozen. When i got home she didn’t understand why I possibly thought we needed 12 loaves of wheat bread…
A man had to go abroad for work for a few months and left his pet cat in his neighbor’s care A month into his trip, he suddenly gets an email from his neighbor, I am sorry John, but your cat is dead . He immediately left everything and flew back home. He loved his cat very much and was devastated by his death. He gave the cat a proper funeral, and then was prepared to go back to work again… Before leaving, he met his neighbor. He told him, Thanks for letting me know. But you know, if something like this happens to someone in the future, you should not break the news like that, I could have got a heart attack, you know! You should always break such news slowly. For example, you could have sent me a mail saying, ‘Hey John! Your cat is doing great, just today I saw it climbing the tree behind your home.’ Then another in a while, ‘Hey John, I am afraid there has been a bad storm, and the tree behind your house has fallen down’. Then, ‘Bad news John, it seems your cat was stuck in the tree when the storm came… He is badly hurt and we are taking him to the vet now’. And then finally another mail, ‘I am very sorry John, but we could not save your cat’. In this way, I would have been more prepared for the bad news His neighbor said, I am sorry John, you are absolutely right. I will keep this in mind So John goes back to work, trying to forget his grief of losing the cat. A couple of months later, he gets another e-mail from his neighbor. Hey John, hope you are doing great! Just had a visit from your mother. She is climbing the tree in our backyard now!
Three people are running from the cops. Three people are running from the cops. The first hides behind a fence, the second behind some garbage bags, and the third in a sack of potatoes. The cops walk by the fence and hear ruff ruff so they think oh, it must just be a dog and walk by. The cops walk past the garbage cans and hear meow so they think oh, it must just be a cat and walk by. They walk past the sack of potatoes and hear POOOOOOTAAAAATOOOOOOO
teacher asked Jimmy The **teacher** asked **Jimmy**, Why is your cat at school today **Jimmy**? **Jimmy** replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once ****Jimmy**** leaves for school today!’
I saw a man at a circus put his head in a lion’s mouth …and that’s still the only big cat blowjob I’ve ever witnessed.
So I post a link showing Russian agents trying to sell nuclear material to ISIS Gets no up votes, dog and cat videos on front page of reddit. Reddit.
Bringing your Cat to School The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
ELI5: Why doesn’t BMW install turn signals on their cars? The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
The teacher asked Jimmy The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
What do you get when your cat wins a prestigious beauty contest judged by sir-mix-alot? A huge cat ass trophy. God that was terrible 🙁 I just came up with it but I think it needs work. But I really like the cat ass trophy = catastrophy pun as a punchline.
In these hard times, everyone needs two jobs to make ends meet, including Jack Dorsey the CEO of Twitter and Square. A huge cat ass trophy. God that was terrible 🙁 I just came up with it but I think it needs work. But I really like the cat ass trophy = catastrophy pun as a punchline.
A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a thrillseeker are sitting in a dark jail cell… The zoophile says: I wish we had a cat in here, I would fuck it! The sadist: Yeah and I would kill it! The necrophiliac: Then I would fuck it again! The thrillseeker: MEOW!
So there’s an English cat and a French cat. The English cat is named 1,2,3 and the French cat is named Un Deux Trois. They both have to cross a river, which cat makes it across? The 1, 2, 3 cat makes it across safely, because Un, Deux, Trois cat sank.
Q: Why is Katsu dum so easy to make? A: Cat not fast.
An elderly lady is worried Yo there was dis elderly lady,age of 92 Had no clue, where her hubby was Man yo fuck dat nigga probably out drinking But he was no drinker, what was she thinking So yo motherfucker she put on the news Saw a car driving the wrong way, this was on the news On the news On the news This was on the news On the news On the news It was on the news yo And she saw her Cadillac, blue And she screamed and she wept as she saw the news Called the hubby’s number which ended in a 2 Yo Ray, bae, where you at fat cat yo in my Cadillac? Yo Bertha bro I’m confused He was confused All the cars are going da wrong way, I’m hella confused No you are No you are The cops chant As Bertha looks hopelessly at the speeding Cadillac While she cries tears of despair, not amused at what’s happening on the news Ray goes the wrong way going the opp’site direction on a one way street This was the news that left us bemused Fuck dat nigga pass your driving test fool!
Give a cat a box and he’ll be happy for a day Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you’re doing with your life
