All scratched A guy walks up to a friend he hadn’t seen in a while and sees him full of scratches all over his body so he ask him What happened to you? : – I fell off my van – But you don’t have a van – OK I fell from my bike – But you don’t have a bike – OK from my quad bike – But you don’t have a quad bike either – OK you know what, the cat is mine and I’ll fuck him whenever I want!
What is the difference between cats and commas? This might be better suited for /r/riddles but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it’s paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.
Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school? The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world. After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard. Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed. -You british people don’t understand, it should be done with democracy – said Roosevelt. He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered. Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked… Then Stalin said wisely: -That’s how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
What are your favorite ‘Moral of the story’ jokes? Mine is one I posted on here once before. [In description] One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream. In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I’d be able to jump up, catch it, and I’d have myself something to eat. Alongside the stream, a bear was standing. The bear looked at the fly, and thought to itself, If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, and I could jump out, snag that salmon, and I’d have myself something to eat. Across the stream, up a steep slope, a hunter was hidden in the brush. The hunter looked at the fly, and thought to himself, If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, and I could jump up, shoot the bear, and I’d have myself a new trophy. Hidden in the grass behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse looked at the fly, and thought to itself, If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter’s pocket would fall out, and I’d have myself something to eat. A bit higher up the slope, on a jutting rock, sat a pussy cat. The pussy cat looked down at the fly, and thought to itself, If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter’s pocket would fall out, the mouse would hop over to get the sandwich, I could leap down on it, and I’d have myself something to eat. At that moment, the fly dropped down about a half an inch. The salmon leapt up and caught the fly, the bear leapt out and snagged the salmon, the hunter jumped up and shot the bear, the mouse hopped out and started to eat the hunter’s sandwich, and the pussy cat leapt down to catch the mouse…but it missed. It rolled down the slope, and fell into the stream. Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen to get a pussy wet.
A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat… A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her student. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move, answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!?!?! the teacher yelled in shock. You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.
Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother. A few minutes later, I get into the cab. Sorry I took so long, I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.
New years eve… We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’ A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it Worked ! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’ The cab driver hit a parked car.
Southwest A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes? The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, Did your Mom tell you to ask me? The boy said, yes she did. Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding. Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies, No, but we know exactly where we are! The officer looks at him confused and says you were going 108 miles per hour! Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, Great! Now we’re lost! The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk. A cat, Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells Hey! This cat is dead. Schrödinger angrily replies, Well he is now.
Some translated jokes A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says I didn’t kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple. Then why are her eyes black? asks the judge. She said she won’t eat it. *** Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came to visit me. I dropped the knife when I tried to get up to greet him, but unfortunately he slipped and fell on the knife by his chest 48 times. *** An officer becomes a platoon leader. He lined up his troops and holding a paper with the names of the soldiers he called their names to see who is who. He calls John and a soldier goes Here! . Smith , Here! . And as he progressed down the list calling their names one name came up. Not thinking much the officer calls Cat and a soldier goes Here! . Funny name, he thinks to himself and sees the next name. Confused the officer calls Get your foot off the fence. and a soldier goes Here! After a few odd and strange names the officer says You people have some strange names. and a soldier goes Here!
The Frozen Bird A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
So an Indian walks into a Redneck bar… He comes in carrying a pistol, a kitten, and a bucket of shit. He sets down the bucket of shit and drinks a beer. He then proceeds to let the cat loose and chase it while shooting at the bucket of shit. A redneck stops him and asks him, Just what in the hell are you doing?! To which the Indian replies, Me try to be like white man. Me drink beer, chase the pussy, and shoot the shit.
20 Things for when You’re Bored. 1 . Put a Dora doll on the ground, in the store, and when someone takes it say swiper no swiping. 2 . Put out a fire. 3 . Can’t find a fire, make one. 4 . Buff your cat 5 . Watch the sun, see if it moves 6 . Give your cat a Mohawk. 7 . Learn Greek. 8 . Water your dog, see if he grows. 9 . Wash a tree. 10 . Be blue 11 . Be red. 12 . Don’t be Orange. 13 . Sleep on a bed of nails 14 . DON’T toss and turn. 15 . Sweat 16 . Sit 17 . Stay. 18 . Plant a shoe 19 . Water your family room. 20 . Dial 911 and breath heavily
of cats and mustard Three diplomats are discussing international politics while enjoying brunch in the crisp spring air. No more can Middle East be made peaceful , says the Russian diplomat, than can cat be made to eat mustard. But a cat would certainly eat mustard. says the German diplomat. Spying a stray cat meandering by, the German dips his finger into the mustard jar and calls the cat over. He offers his finger to the cat and the cat recoils in disgust. Eh, not without bit of persuasion, he will not. says the Russian. He dabs some mustard on a slice of meat and offers it to the cat. Again the cat recoils in disgust. Finally, the French diplomat interjects. The two of you know nothing about cats. He dips his finger into the mustard jar and then wipes it on the cat’s anus.
The Vet One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated. Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church. The pastor replied, That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you? The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week. The pastor was amazed. Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? He is a veterinarian, she answered. That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said. Where does he practice? The woman answered proudly, In Nevada… He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
Elderly Woman and Her Cat An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. Ma’am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes. The woman smiles, Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again. The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. I would like lots of money! she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man? The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect. Why hello she says coyly. He looks at her, Don’t look at me, you had me neutered.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma is the pause at the end of a clause.
One of my favorites. A long one, but worth it. When the world first came to fruition all of the animals saw that they had a certain amount of years to live, and each had a certain thing to do for those years. The rabbit first saw that he had 40 years to run jump and play without a care in the world. But, the rabbit thought that forty was too long so he shaved off twenty and left them on the ground. Then, the beaver noticed that he had twenty years to work hard to create a life and home for himself. But, the beaver thought this was too long so he too took half and left ten years on the ground. Next came the cat. The cat realized that he had fifty years to live to work hard and slave for his family. But, the cat thought he couldn’t possibly keep up that work for fifty years, so he dumped thirty years and took twenty instead. Lastly the dog wandered over. The dog saw that he had gained twenty years to sit and bark at everything that passed him. But, dog thought he could not continue that for forty years so he dropped ten. Now came along the sad human. The sad human was sad because he had been granted only one year to cry poop and eat. But he walked into a field and saw that all the other animals had left behind some years. The human jumped at the chance and picked them all up. From then on the humans spent the the first year of their life crying pooping and eating. For the next twenty he would be free and play. After that he would struggle to make a list feel for himself for ten years. Later he would slave thirty years for his family, and finally he would sit on his porch for ten years barking at everything that went by. EDIT: Misspellings and grammar
My. Job. SUCKS. My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shave her legs and shit. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Edit: this took a helacious amount of time to type on my little droid phone. Especially editing and bullshit.
A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying that was not funny at all. The rooster composes himself and says Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?
A man takes his dog to the vet. A man’s dog is very sick and won’t do anything but lay down. The man takes his dog to the vet and asks the vet to run some tests. The vet brings in a cat and sits the cat next to the dog. The dog doesn’t react. The vet takes the cat away then brings in a Labrador who starts barking at the sick dog. The dog still doesn’t react. The vet leaves with the Labrador and comes back with a bill. The vet tells the man the tests were inconclusive and hands the man a bill for 600 dollars. Outraged the man asks why the bill was so high. The vet replies The catscan and lab test.
Pull out in time. A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The flight attendant asked: Did your mother tell you to ask me that? He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said: Tell your mother it’s because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time.
[Quick joke] The cat with 16 lives So there was a cat in the neighborhood that was always telling other cats that he was better than them because he had 16 lives, it was like this for 5 months, daily, he didn’t miss one day to bitch around. Then, one sunday he doesn’t shows up and all the other cats are getting worried about it until one of them comes and tell them: ”Hey guys, do you remember this new human that moved in yesterday? Well, he drives a 4×4…”
Topical Jokes (5/19) Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes. First up, if you’re not following this story, you’re missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as that may seem, it’s not near as bad when you learn Biden only found out and understood the scandal once Obama reenacted what he saw on the news with sock puppets. Let’s back off the heavy stuff and break into some fun (Reddit-friendly) news. Following in the footsteps of Uggie , a cat is now the breakout star of the Cannes film festival. The cat won over audiences with his brave performance in the upcoming summer thriller, Terminator 5: Rise of the Laser Pointers . More entertainment news, Kanye West revealed his new album is titled Yeezus . Reminding us all of that crucial Bible verse where Jesus told his disciples, Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a frankincense-fracker, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Messianic cr*cker. This is a strange story, a new study has discovered that brain shock therapy can boost math skill. So, if you’re still afraid of math, don’t worry, just let us glue some large electrodes to your face… Some funny news. Just today, the Pope admitted he occasionally sleeps during mass – and sometimes if he’s feeling extra lazy and doesn’t even want to show up, he’ll just call in possessed. That is it for now but I’ll come back if anything else good pops up today. Thanks for checking out my stuff – I really appreciate it! Once again, if you’re of the mind to hear more from me… https://twitter.com/boydstantinople
Quantum humor is so random Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replied, No, but I can tell you exactly where I was. Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger replied, I do now.
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily… The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: This is violence! The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: This is deception! The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat’s tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. See – he does it voluntarily and with songs!
Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed, and ready to go. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the day. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’ A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!’
A woman (Orange County Ca. )brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon… As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $550.00! she cried, $550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.00
A man brought his rabbit to the vets office… A man brought his rabbit into the vets office, he says to the vet I think my rabbit is dead . The vet looks at the rabbit and say’s yep, your rabbit is dead. The man is very distraught and just cant believe it, he tells the vet It cant be possible! My rabbit cant be dead! Is there anything else you can do? The vet brings in his cat and it jumps up and looks at the rabbit and walks away. The vet replies You see, even the cat wont touch it, your rabbit is dead. The man cry’s out Please there must be something else you can do! My rabbit can’t be dead! The vet then brings in his labrador, the dog jumps up and sniffs the rabbit and walks away. The vet once again states I’m sorry, your rabbit is dead. The man finally accepts that his rabbit is gone and thanks the vet for his time and asks what he owes. The vet replies $600, the man, astonished cry’s out why does it cost so much for you to just confirm my rabbit is indeed dead?? The vet replies well, its $200 for the office visit, $200 for the CAT scan and $200 for the Lab test.
3 cats were in a race There were 3 cats in a race. There was an American cat named One, Two, Three , A german cat named Ein Zrei Drei , and a French cat named Un, Deux, Trois . The race was to swim across a lake. The american cat finished first, the german cat came second but the French cat was nowhere to be seen. why? because, Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq
This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house… … and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack. He couldn’t belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and inside his backpack there wasn’t anything really valuable. So he starts hammering that lump to the ground. After a few minutes the backpack inside the carpet was flat and unnoticeable. Later that afternoon the housewife gets home and is happy with the placing of the carpet. She goes to the kitchen to write him a check for the job well done and returns to him: Here, the check and your backpack that you left in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my cat ?
Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12 A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever. A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. #suckit #nohomo #somehomo #yeshomo Kit Kat has released a limited run of new flavors, including Sweet Corn, Espresso, and Kit Cat (with real Cat!). Obama has budgeted $100million for NASA to lasso an asteroid- $99mill for rope and $1mill for the greatest cowboy hat of all time. A Russian man attempted to win back his ex-wife with a homemade bomb. Here’s an exclusive photo of the couple: http://i.imgur.com/uuJTNmK.jpg During a shooting, cops recommend going for the gunman, because nothing’s scarier than being rushed by someone who just shit them self. A third live poultry trading market has been shut down in China after six strange bird flu deaths. Personally, I think they’re just chicken. As a living human, you have a .00002% chance of being a billionaire. Jim Carrey reports: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMRrNY0pxfM Muslims are once again calling for the death of bloggers who blaspheme their religion of peace. Jesus Christ that’s stupid, said Muhammad. An auction for a baseball card ended at $2.1million, meaning a fucking baseball card nearly joined the nation’s wealthiest 1%. Japan is now selling synthetic schoolgirl pee for only $27, severely undercutting the market for organic schoolgirl pee. Scientists – Being launched into a black hole would lead to a fiery death or spaghettification. Everyone else – Sounds cool as FUCK. An Italian couple in financial distress committed suicide. Hopefully these tragic deaths trickle down to more poor people, said the rich. A former Vice-Mayor in Tennessee gave dozens of women the classic drive 90mph while masturbating out the window, which is a crime now? Trayvon Martin’s family settled their wrongful death suit for over $1mill. No word on how they’ll spend the money, but likely not Skittles. All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter. Edit: removed link shorteners. Sorry!
A man hits a cat with his car at 60mph… …and he pulls over to the side of the road to see if the cat is okay. When he reaches the cat, he finds the owner of the cat in tears. Ma’am, are you alright? She replies with nothing but sobs. The cat is in her arms, but she’s covered in a blood and the man realizes that he missed the cat but ran over its tail. He walks into the middle of the road, picks up the tail, and walks over to the owner. He apologizes profusely and tries fruitlessly to attach the tail to the cat, but just then a police cruiser pulls up. A policeman steps out and arrests the man. Some years later, the man is still in prison. One day, a fellow prisoner says Hey, I never asked you why you got locked up! What’s your story? The man just smiles and says, They caught me retailing pussy on the highway.
A woman says to her cat Go and make me a sandwich The cat says Me? how?
Another masochist joke. Self post. hope you guys like it! Self post! Just wanted to share it because i like it. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. How about having sex with a cat? asked the zoophile. Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it, says the sadist. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it, shouted the murderer. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again, said the necrophile. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it, said the pyromaniac. Silence took over… and the masochist says: Meow.
Instructions for cleaning the toilet **Instructions for cleaning the toilet:** 1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo. 2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet. 3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid. 4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself. 5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle. 6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door. 7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door. 8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
Unix is so disorganized There’s a cat in the man pages.
There was a fly hovering six inches above a lake In the middle of the woods there was a small lake. In the middle of this lake there was a fly hovering six inches above the water. Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said: If that fly drops six inches…I’m going to get that fly. A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly…I’m going to get that fish. A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish…I’m going to shoot that bear. A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear…I’m going to steal that hunters cheese. A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese…I’m going to eat that mouse. Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches. The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake. Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.
Dropping off a Cat A man hated his wife’s cat and wanted get rid of it. He drove 2 miles from home and dropped off the cat. The cat was already walking up their driveway as he got back to their house. The next day he decided to drive the cat 6 miles away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing how far away he took the cat but the cat kept coming back. Finally, he decided to drive the cat 30 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and left the cat there. Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, Jen, is the cat there? Yes, why do you ask? answered the wife. Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!
Did you hear about the King who got killed during a torrential downpour, and his only heirs were pets? It’s been reigning cats and dogs ever since
A man walks into a pet store… A man walks into a pet store. He asks the man for a very special pet. He doesn’t want a cat or a dog or anything boring like a bird, but instead wants something exotic. The manager of the store says I have exactly the pet for you . He takes the man to the back room and shows him a shoebox. The man looks inside and sees a centipede. I don’t want just a boring old centipede said the man, I want something really cool. The manager assures the man that this centipede is no ordinary centipede. It’s a talking centipede! With little hesitation, the man soon bought it and brought it home without even checking whether the man was lying. Once home the man took the lid off of the centipedes box and asked say centipede, want to go to the pub and get a beer? The centipede said nothing, So the man put the lid back on and walked away. Two minutes later, the man walked over to the centipede’s box again. He took the lid off and asked say centipede want to go to the pub and get a beer? Again, no reply. The man was starting to think he had been ripped off. But he decided to try again. He took the lid off one last time and asked say centipede, want to go to the pub and get a beer? At long last the centipede looked up and said I heard you the first time, moron. I’m getting my shoes on.
Medical bills A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150
Wooden statues! Last week I was walking at the boulevard when I saw this little antique store, curious as I was I decided to go in and take a look. After a while I see this neat wooden statue of a cat, it looked cool so I wanted it. When I take it to the counter, the clerk looks up and say’s Aaah the cat statue, thats $25 without a story or $12,50 with a story Looking at the guy I say I just want the statue, here’s $25 and keep your story After leaving the store and walking for a bit I suddenly hear a ringing noise behind me, after looking back I see a cat just sitting there and looking at me. Not giving it any thought I keep walking until I realise that the sounds are getting louder, looking back again I see 5 cats now, all looking at me. Starting to get annoyed I pick up the pace, but the cats keep comming. When the total number of cats reaches about 30+ I realise it has to be the statue, so without thinking I throw the statue into the water and what do you think? All the cats jump in after the statue and start to drown as they sink with it to the bottom of the lake. Convinced it had something to do with the statue I make my way back to the antique store. When I open the door the clerk looks up and say’s Aaah sir, comming back for the story? and I say No man, I just wanna know if you have some wooden Mexicans laying about somewhere? My appologies for it beeing a tad racist and rude, but admit I made you laugh 😀
There’s a bizarre irony to jokes about Ebola going viral. Last week I was walking at the boulevard when I saw this little antique store, curious as I was I decided to go in and take a look. After a while I see this neat wooden statue of a cat, it looked cool so I wanted it. When I take it to the counter, the clerk looks up and say’s Aaah the cat statue, thats $25 without a story or $12,50 with a story Looking at the guy I say I just want the statue, here’s $25 and keep your story After leaving the store and walking for a bit I suddenly hear a ringing noise behind me, after looking back I see a cat just sitting there and looking at me. Not giving it any thought I keep walking until I realise that the sounds are getting louder, looking back again I see 5 cats now, all looking at me. Starting to get annoyed I pick up the pace, but the cats keep comming. When the total number of cats reaches about 30+ I realise it has to be the statue, so without thinking I throw the statue into the water and what do you think? All the cats jump in after the statue and start to drown as they sink with it to the bottom of the lake. Convinced it had something to do with the statue I make my way back to the antique store. When I open the door the clerk looks up and say’s Aaah sir, comming back for the story? and I say No man, I just wanna know if you have some wooden Mexicans laying about somewhere? My appologies for it beeing a tad racist and rude, but admit I made you laugh 😀
a dead duck A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car… they get pulled over. The officer approaches the car and asks Hiesenberg Do you know how fast you were going? No, but I know exactly where I am. You were doing 50 in a 35 Well fuck, now I’m lost The officer senses something is off. Are you boys doing anything illegal? Is there anything in the car I should know about? Schrodinger chimes in, There’s a cat in the trunk Open the trunk Sir Schrodinger opens the trunk and the officer walks to the back. This cat is dead says the Officer Well he is now you asshole replies Schrodinger
Ten Science Jokes for Nerds * I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. * I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum. * Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers. * Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t. * Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell. * A group of protesters in front of a physics lab: What do we want? . Time travel When do we want it? . Irrelevant. * What does a subatomic duck say? Quark! * A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies For you, no charge . * Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: Oh, no, I think I lost an electron. Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive. * An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him why did you bring your cat to school? The little boy replies, Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.
Why did you bring your cat to school? Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school? Student: My dad said he was going to eat mom’s pussy.
