One fish, two fish, red fish WHO LEFT THEIR BLOODY TAMPON IN THE FUCKING FISHBOWL?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A fish…
A Gem Joke that Rocks Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I’m getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday? Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can’t change the date? Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it’s set in stone.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
My friend is concerned about his online dating luck… I told him not to worry — There are plenty of fish in the net!
Two computer scientists walk past a wishing well… One asks the other for some change to throw in, so the other fishes in his pocket and hands his friend a dime. He makes a wish and tosses the coin. As they walk away, the other friend turns to him and says, You know maybe next time you can use your own money if you’re going to just throw it away on a stupid wish, but that’s just my 10 cents.
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman……… The driver asked, Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding. The police replied, Have you ever been fishing? The man then said, yes . Have you ever caught all the fish? asked the policeman.
A man washed up on an island… After his ship sank at sea, a man washed up on a remote island only to find no other survivors. Years passed as he taught himself how to make fire and catch fish to survive. Although he was able to provide food and shelter for himself, he was still a man, and men have their needs. He searched around the island for anything to make love to. One day he finds a pig, he tries to fuck the pig but every time he gets close to it, a wild dog attacks him. Years go by and every day he goes to try and fuck the pig but the protective dog will not let him. Than one day, a beautiful naked woman eagerly approaches the man while hes on his way to the pig to try again. The woman exclaims: Ive been stuck on this island for years with no human contact, I never thought I would see a man again! I will do anything for you, there is not a single thing I would not do to please you, just name it! With much enthusiasm, the man asks the woman: Great! Can you please hold down that dog while I fuck this pig?
give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach a man how to Google how to fish and he’ll watch fish porn for the rest of his life
Two fish are in a tank. One fish asks the other fish How do we drive this thing?
I made a song… in the tuna fish
Before having sex with a girl, you should always (ALWAYS) ask… in the tuna fish
3 bad dad jokes I use these back to back to back all the time. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSHHHHHHHH
Tasteless space shuttle Challenger jokes Q) Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation? A) All over Florida. Q) What color were Christa McAuliffe’s eyes? A) Blue, one blew this way, one blew that way. Q) What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe told her husband? A) You take care of the dog and cat, I’ll feed the fish. Q) What were Christa McAuliffe’s last words? A) What does this button do? Q) Did Christa McAuliffe have dandruff? A) Yes, they found her Head and Shoulders washed up on shore. Q) What were shuttle commander Francis R. (Dick) Scobee’s last words? A) I meant BUD LITE. Q) Is it true they found part of African American crew member Ron McNair’s body washed up on shore? A) False, it was the radiator hose from a 1957 Chevy. Q) Is it true NASA stands for Need Another Seven Astronauts? A) Yes, but we would also have accepted Not A Safe Area .
Tuna walks into a sushi restaurant… …says to the chef, Hey, you killed my father! Chef says to the tuna, That’s my business, fish. Tuna thinks about it, says Then i challenge you to a game of chess. If i win, you stop being a chef forever. And if i win? asks the chef. Then you can feed me to your customers. tuna replies. And so the chef and the tuna play chess. Now as well know, Tuna are adept chess players, so in a few moves the chef is checkmated. Looks like i win! says the tuna. Chef nods and plunges his knife into the fish’s belly. But i won! says the tuna, with the knife wriggling in his gut. So did your father. says the chef.
DRUNK ICE FISHING IN ALASKA A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, You will find no fish there. The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, You will find no fish under the ice. The drunk looks up and says, God, is that you? The voice says, No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.
Two men went ice fishing And walked out into the middle of the large sheet of ice and started drilling their hole. From out of nowhere, a loud, booming voice proclaimed There are no fish in there! The two guys stopped, looked at each other, picked up their equipment, moved to a different spot and started drilling again. The voice returned, There are no fish in there! The two guys started to get a little shaken but picked up everything, moved to yet another spot and started drilling. Again, the voice proclaimed **THERE ARE NO FISH IN THERE!** Really shaken, the two guys stop everything, look at each other and one asks, Is….is…is it you god? NO! , the voice replied, The manager of the ice skating rink!
Walking on Water It’s the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says: Jesus, can’t you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there? So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake….and falls knee deep in water. Moses says, Well….maybe you need a head start or something, why not go to the end of the dock and try. So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and falls up to his waist. Moses says, Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the lake and try there. So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about to step off and try again when… Moses says, Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it. So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he’s all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe…. ..and precedes to drown. So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat. Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn’t see what’s going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat. Suddenly, Moses says, I got it! I know what’s wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?!?!
The seven wise men poem (nsfw) 7 wise men with knowledge so fine, They created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, by using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it, blessed it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor that dirty little runt, sucked it, fucked it and called it a cunt.
Here’s an example of a cliffhanger 7 wise men with knowledge so fine, They created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, by using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it, blessed it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor that dirty little runt, sucked it, fucked it and called it a cunt.
Two fish are high on heroin playing basketball Oh man , says one fish. The other fish replies, What, you hooked? He says All net.
Franks sees Bob down by the water fishing one afternoon… Frank: Hey Bob, what are you doing down here? Bob: Just fishing, you know how much I like to fish. Frank: Didn’t you get married today? Bob: Sure did, she’s a keeper, couldn’t be happier. Frank: Well, uh… not to get too personal, but shouldn’t you be with your wife, uh, consummating the marriage? Bob: Not to be too graphic, but she has gonorrhea, so I figured I’d get some casts in, you know how much I like to fish. Frank: Actually, a girl of mine had the Clap once too – so we made do with anal. Bob: Well, she has diarrhea, so I figured I’d head down to the creek, you know how much I like to fish. Frank: Uh, this is your wedding day, did you at least get a blowjob? Bob: Well, she has pyorrhea, so I figured I would see how they’re biting today, you know how much I like to fish. Frank: Dude, not to be overly blunt, but why the hell did you marry a this girl? Bob: Well, she has tapeworms, and you know how much I like to fish…
Religious traditions Back in the 1950’s a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoic and ate their regularly scheduled meal. However, this kept going on – Friday after Friday the neighbour cooked a BBQ while they ate fish. They got together to determine what to do about this problem. One man had the genius idea they convert the newcomer to Catholicism and then he would have to settle into the same tradition. So, they set about becoming best friends, watching sports, mowing lawns, socialising and the like. The new neighbour was so moved by these efforts at friendship that he agreed to convert to their religious views. He attended a Catholic church where the Priest splashed him with water, You were born a Protestant (splash) You were raised a Protestant (splash) You are a Catholic. The men were pleased and figured this was the end of their troubles. Next Friday as they settled down to eat fish they again smelled a delicious steak sizzling nearby. They looked out their windows, and there was the neighbour at his BBQ with a small bowl of water … You were born a cow (splash) You were raised a cow (splash) You are a fish.
one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish. There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table, there is a dish with one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish. They politely say to one another: You maychoose first. No, you may choose first. And this goes on for a while. Then the first person says: OK, I’ll take first. And he takes the big price of fish. The second person: Why did you take the big Peice? That’s not polite! The first person says: Which peice would you have taken? The second person: Why, I would have taken the small peice, of course. The first person says: Well, that’s what you have now!
A man says in a restaurant… Waiter, can I have the chish and fips? Whoops, I meant to say fish and chips. The waiter replies, Of course, sir. It’s a common mistake, only this morning I meant to ask my wife what we were having for dinner and instead I said, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you ignorant bitch.’
Two illiterate Italian fishermen are out one day. After fishing for awhile Marco says to Luigi hey Luigi, this is a really good spot. Maybe tomorrow we come back here catch alotta fish. But don’t tell nobody where! We betta marka the spot! So Luigi says I’m a gonna marka the spot. later on the way home, Marco says dida you marka the spot like I tolla you? Luigi says Yes, I put a X inna the bottom ofa the boat! Marco says Estupidda! What iffa we donna getta the same boatta tomorrow?
Courtesy of my ECON professor Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece. On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each. The second man says, Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch anymore.
Paddy’s Divorce The mother-in-law arrives home from the pub to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. Wot happened Paddy? she asks anxiously. Wot happened?? I’ll tell you wot happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from me fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, bare-ass naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever! Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy! says his mother-in-law. There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened. Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation … she didn’t check her e-mails today!
A Blind Fish What does the blind fish say when it hits a wall? DAM!!!!
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three-pound live lobsters – one in each hand…. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: Well me Laddie I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed! The fisherman says, No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended. The Fisheries Officer says, Trained like how? Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home! Likely story , the Fisheries Officer says! Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true. So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, How about whistling? The fisherman says What For? The Fisheries Officer says, To call in the Lobsters The fisherman says, What Lobsters?
Did you know Germany’s Beer Purity Law is 500 years old this year? **500 year?! Has it been that long? Amazing! 500 years of an entire people say Nein! no more sewage for me thank you!… Take note you Belgian swine.** *Belgian Guy: But we have the most varieties of beer in the world!! * **Yeah, you do and you are barely batting .100 when it comes to quality brew.** *Belgian Guy: but what about Bacchus Frambozenbier? its our best raspberry beer!? * **Case and point! Just shut up Belgium, you are almost as bad as the French!** *French Guy: Mememeh we have bubbles in our grape juice!! We are so fancy!…we think it pairs nicely with the pureed liver of a severely tortured bird! .* **Why not just eat the whole bird?** *French Guy: Bein non! Next thing you will say is we should eat the fish and not just the eggs!?! Sacre Bleu! * **Ugh! Filthy Frenchmen! Well, that’s not how Germans roll! The eat the whole damn animal, not just the grossest parts Yes the hearty sausage; ground up, seasoned and tubed (this is now a verb),** *French Guy: Excuse me monsieur, but what about Kronenbourg, our finest bier since 1664, non?! * **Non! Look, my little fictitious grenouille, being around for a long time does not make something great. Just take the baguette:** Hey friends, do you like bread, but are sick and tired of traditional crust to good bread ratio!?… Well, have we got the bread for you! Meet the baguette, the bread with a paradoxically large amount of gum slicing crust, without all that unwanted actual bread inside! Want to make a sandwich?! Too fucking bad! Want to exhaust yourself slicing comically small pieces of crust into tiny discs so you try desperately to balance a single diced tomato on top? Well, then you are in luck The baguette, aptly shaped for France to go fuck itself with! Credit to my buddy Nick!
Grand dad and grand son go on a fishing trip.[Long] A grand dad is taking his 6 year old grand son on a fishing trip for the day. Before they go out the grand mom packs the grand son a lunch and some snacks while the grand dad packs his own lunch and beers then they leave. After an hour on the boat the grand dad opens a beer and begins to relax. The grand son looks at the beer and asks, Hey grand dad can I have one of those beers? The grand dad replies, Well son, does your penis touch your butthole? The grand son says, Well no… Grand dad says, Then you’re too young to have one. A little while later the grand dad pull out some chewing tobacco and begins to chew some and the grand son asks, Hey grand dad can I have some of that chew stuff? He replies again, Does your penis touch your butthole? Grand son answers, No it doesn’t. Grand dad says, Then you’re too young, you can’t have any. After about a couple hours on the boat the grand dad and grand son haven’t had a bite from the fish yet so the grand son decides to see what he has for lunch. He sees that the grand mom packed him some of her famous delicious cookies so he decides to snack on some of them in the boat. When the grand dad sees the grand son eating the cookies he asks him, Hey kiddo, can I have some of those cookies? The grand son replies, Well grand dad, does your penis touch your butthole? The grand dad says, Yes it does son So the grand son replies, Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day… Teach a man to fish and he’ll put you out of work.
People think Jesus was so great… But all he did was give fish to a thousand people. You forget that Hitler made 6 million people toast.
A black guy went fishing at night… When he caught a fish, the fish went up to the surface, looked left and right then wondered Who caught me?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman, and he’ll teach himself how to fish.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day… Teach a man to fish, and he’ll never pay you for a fish again
About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die! Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
Pakis! The Pope was on a visit to England, and taking a tour of Newquay. Walking along the seafront, he noticed something strange going on in the sea a few hundred metres from the beach. A Pakistani man who looked badly hurt seemed to be drowning in the water. The pope asked his aid if he could borrow some binoculars so that he could see what was happening more clearly. Looking through them, he then realised that the Pakistani man was in fact being attacked by a shark. 30 seconds later, a speedboat came into view with three men on board, all wearing England football shirts. The first man harpooned the shark, while the second guy saved the Pakistani by pulling him onto the boat. The third guy and the first guy then struggled with the shark, eventually killing it before pulling it’s dead body onto the boat before speeding off to the harbor where they hung the shark up on public display, to cheers from the large crowd that had formed nearby. The Pope, still in a state of disbelief, insisted on meeting the three men, and headed to the harbour. On arrival, he called them over to him and said: What I have just witnessed was truely amazing. I’d heard there was a lot of racial tension in England, but your actions and bravery have showed me that this is indeed not the case. You all risked your life to save this man and I hope that news of this will travel around the world and set an example to others. May you all live in peace and harmony forever, and may God bless you for the rest of your lives. He then returned to his car and was driven off back into the town. The first English guy turned around to the second guy and asked Who the hell was that? That was his Holiness the Pope. Replied the second guy. Well he knows FUCK ALL about shark fishing! added the third guy. How’s the bait doing or do we need to find another one?
An elderly Couple were at home watching TV…. An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was Switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, For God’s sake, Phil… leave it on the porn channel… You know how to fish!
A man takes is grandchild fishing, and has they get to the river side, he lights up a cigarette. Can I have one? asks the child. Well… can you put your dick in your asshole? No was the young one to reply. The grandfather then opened a beer. Can I have one, or a pull at least? Well… Can you put your dick in your asshole? No Well then you can’t have one. After a few hours of fishing, the couple heads back home, and they stop at a convenience store on the way. The Grandpa buys them both a snack, and some lottery tickets. He strikes no luck on the ticket, but the young one wins ten thousand dollars. You will have to share your winnings you know. Well… Can you put your dick in your asshole? Of course I can Well, then, go fuck yourself!
So a man goes fishing… He has been working hard all week and finally gets a chance to go out and relax on the lake. He spends all afternoon out there and he manages to catch a dozen fish or so. He calls it a day and heads back to shore to gut and clean the fish. The man finishes cleaning his last fish and begins to head back to his home. Passing a bridge, the man sees lights flash behind his vehicle and notices that he was speeding. He pulls off to the side of the road and the cop pulls up behind him. The man rolls down his window and the cop steps out of his car. Already the cop is thinking to himself, what a low life, this man is covered in guts and he smells like trash. The cop steps outside the side of the window and asks the man, What do you even do for society? The man says in reply, Well sir, I’m an asshole stretcher. Seeing the cop looking baffled by the response, the man coninues to explain, I start with one finger, then two, three , four, then a fist, then two fists and eventually I can stretch an asshole out to about 6 feet. The cop still baffled replies, What in the hell do you do with a six foot asshole? The man replies, Stick him on the end of a bridge and give him a radar gun…
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other ones a fish.
What’s the definition of an anchovie? A small fish that smells like a finger.
Lunch First time posting. Sorry for the bad grammar and punctuation. There were three construction workers an English and Indian and a Chinese. Everyday at 12 o’clock they’d sit down and eat their lunch. They’d been working at this construction site for a month and everyday they would have the same food. The English man had his fish and chip. The Indian man had his rice and curry and the Chinese man had his chow mein. One lunch time, fed up with their lunch they decided if they had the same lunch tomorrow they would jump from the top of the building. Then next day they opened their lunch box and saw they had their exact same lunch as yesterday so they all jumped from the building, leaving a note behind to say why they had decided to kill themselves. A funeral gathering was held for the three workers. All eyes were on the wives of the workers. The Englishman’s wife sobbing said if only he told me he wanted something different I would have made it for him. The Indian mans wife was crying even harder and said this is all my fault I should have made him something different. The Chinese mans wife looked around the room and said don’t look at me, he used to make his own lunch .
Best Salesman Ever! A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The young guy says Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota. Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One . The boss says Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), So, how much was your one sale for? The kid looks up at his boss and says $124,548.88 . The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Chevrolet Suburban. The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV??? The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Bro, your weekend’s a mess, you should go fishing.
A few riddles Romeo and Juliet were relaxing when a train drove by. They were left dead, next to a puddle of water and a pile of glass. Why? Because they were fish, and the vibration made the fish bowl fall and shatter A boy and girl want to go to prom, but they can’t. Why? Because they’re both fish Jack and Jill go to a zoo, but they’re eaten by sealions and nobody helps them. Why? Because they’re both gingers
Two parrots were sitting on a perch… One turns to the other and says, Can you smell fish?
The old mailman retires It’s been 35 years that he’s worked in the same area. He was well loved in the neighbourhood, so the people who knew him and loved him decided to surprise him on his last day. At one house, the whole family was waiting for him and they give the old mailman a huge gift bag. At another house, they give him a box of outstanding cigars. At the third house, he gets a lovely fishing rod (since they know he’s a passionate fisherman). And so on. At one house, a gorgeous young blonde housewife is waiting for him wearing very sexy lingerie. She takes the mailman’s hand with a smile, guides him to her bedroom and they make love. It’s truly the most passionate sex the mailman has ever had in his whole life. After some rest, the woman goes out to the kitchen and prepares the mailman an amazing breakfast. While eating, the mailman notices a $20 bank note under his coffee cup. ‘Listen,’ says the mailman. ‘What you gave me today is so wonderful that I can’t even put it in words. But I’d like to ask, why do I get $20?’ ‘Last night I told my husband today was gonna be your last day,’ answers the beautiful housewife. ‘And I asked him what to give you. His answer was: Fuck that guy… give him $20! . The breakfast was my idea, though!’
