Dead Cat A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying Cats dead . Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man returns home and berates the butler for being so callous. You should break bad news gently says the businessman . If I had been telling you that the cat was dead I’d have written , The cat is on the roof and can’t get down A few hours later I’d have written the cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt A while later I’d have sent another message saying The cat has sadly passed away Very good sir says the butler I will remember that in future The business man resumes his trip ,books into the hotel and finds that the butler has left him another message,it says your mother is on the roof and can’t get down
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necromaniac, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are sitting around… And for some reason they are talking about cats. The zoophile says, let’s get a cat and have sex with it . The sadist agrees, yes! Let’s screw it and the torture it! Then the murderer chimes in, we can fuck it, torture it, and then kill it! Next the necrophiliac says, ok! We can screw it, torture it, murder it, and then fuck it again! The pyromaniac jumps in, we’ll fuck it, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then set it on fire! All of them now excited turn to the masochist. He looks at the group and says… meow
If you are warm and happy in a pile of…. Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for winter. Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. As he flew along, the little bird grew cold and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the poor bird and thawed the ice so that the bird began to chirp and sing. A cat wandered by, heard the noise, and dug through the manure until he found the bird and ate him. The moral of this story is: 1. Being different makes you cold, lonely, and gets you shit on. 2. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 3. Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 4. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
A joke about pineapples A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks Do you have any pineapples? The stockboy replies Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now! The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back. The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe she says Ok, C A T . Very good! the stockboy says, now spell dog, as in dogmatic. The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. She replies There is no Fuck in pineapples? To which the stockboy replies THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!
Why dogs are called K9 Why dogs are called K9? Because cats are K10
Eating mommy’s p*ssy The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
A little story of a boy and his dog Timmy’s best friend was his dog. His dog was his only friend when his dad got a new job and they had to relocate. His dog was there to scare away the bullies when he was an awkward kid in school. Timmy’s dog was even there as a shoulder to cry on when Timmy had his first broken heart. They grew from boy and pup to dog and man. They were as close as any man and beast have ever been. One day, as Timmy was out on a walk down the road with his faithful companion, a car lost control and headed straight for the pair. Though it happened in an instant, the moment occurred in slow motion. Timmy’s dog barked fiercely at the oncoming car as Timmy froze in fear. The instant before the vehicle impacted, his dog lunged and knocked his master from the 2.5 ton 3.5 liter moving mass of death. Tears rolled down poor Timmy’s face as he stared in disbelief. His faithful companion let out an innocent whimper as Timmy scooped his broken, canine body from the pavement. The vet was 2 miles away and Timmy reached it and burst through the door and screamed for help. My dog! He cried like a man posessed. A car . . .my dog. . . Help me! They hurried him into the back room and laid his dog across the table to let the veterinarian perform his miracle. The vet was solemn as he looked at the young man and said, I’m sorry son, your dog is dead. Timmy stared in disbelief. He choked his responses, repeating, No, no! I want more tests. I want a second opinion. The vet shrugged his shoulders and left the room. He came back with an old tabby cat. He placed the cat on the end of the table and the tabby walked over Timmy’s dog, pawing him every couple steps. Finally he looked at the veterinarian and let out an emphatic, Mrrooowwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The vet assistant had to hold Timmy back from his rage, What the hell? Do some tests, you son of a bitch! Where’s the second opinion? The doctor shrugged and left the room again and a silence settled for a moment. He came back with an old, blind Labrador. The Labrador sniffed Timmy’s dog and barked at the lifeless body. Finally it hung it’s head and whimpered. The doctor laid a gentle hand on Timmy’s shoulder and said, It’s been confirmed son. This dog is dead. The disbelief on Timmy’s face was obvious. What are you doing? He screamed. I suppose you expect me to pay you for this? Yes, the vet said plainly, this will be $2050. Timmy couldn’t believe it. Are you insane!?! he screamed. How did this cost $2050!?! The veterinarian shrugged and said, Well, my fee is $50. Then there’s $2000 for the cat scan and lab test.
1 dollar for dirty joke I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty joke. Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name? Me: asstasticbum Homeless man: So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have Me: two? Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got? Me: two? Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got? Me: two? Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat? Me: I don’t know? A lot? Homeless man: Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy. Credits to /u/asstasticbum. He is the owner and OP of this story. Im just retelling it. Front page whooo hooo!! First time this has happened for me 😀 Im estatic 🙂 Edit:: Please dont gild this post. If any of you feel so strongly, go to /u/asstasticbum and gild him Sorry for not adding link earlier. I had saved this post on my ColorNote app and i found it today. Apologies to people who are whining i did this for karma (TEXT post gives NO KARMA) Link to original story HERE:: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/cdrqcwl?context=3
food chain joke A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it. A bear was in the lake and thought, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish. A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear. The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich. A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse. Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake. Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there’s bound to be a wet pussy.
So I sadly discovered that username Iloveyouforever has been taken A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it. A bear was in the lake and thought, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish. A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear. The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich. A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse. Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake. Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there’s bound to be a wet pussy.
Man, I really messed up making this award for best feline anus… It’s a cat ass trophy.
What’s the difference between an old cat and a little kitten? An old cat will bite and scratch, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
Jimmy and His Pussy cat The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell… The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses: Damn, I wish there was a cat around here… ya know, we could… fuck the cat. His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says: Or we could fuck it, and then kill it! The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinning, says: How about: we fuck the cat, we kill it, and then we fuck it again! They all cheer, and the pyromaniac adds: Even better: we can fuck the cat, then kill it, fuck it again, and then BURN it! Curious, the group turns to the masochist who was still silent. The pyromaniac, who was the last to speak, asks: So, what about you? What else do you think we could do to the cat? Instead of a reply, the masochist looks them all dead in the eyes and says meow .
I am the Internet There’s a fortress in the middle of a wasteland. A guy turns up at the gate and the guards say, Who goes there? Guy: I would like to come into your fortress. Guards: Well, we can only take in people who are useful to us. Guy: I think you are going to find me useful, for I am the Internet. Guards: No, you’re not. Guy: Yes, I am and I can prove it to you. Guards: Go on then. So the guy takes up bits of paper and says, I bring you pornographical images and the rantings of angry teenagers. The guards think about this for awhile and say, We have one question, if you can answer it, we will accept that you are the Internet and let you in. Ok , replies the guy. Guards: We are interested in purchasing hot-water bottles shaped like cats …What else do you think we would be interested in purchasing? –heard it on the Infinite Monkey Cage.
When a fly drops A thirsty fly is buzzing around a lake and decides to drop into the water for a drink, but little does the fly know a fish is waiting to snack on him when he does, but little does the fish know a bear is waiting to grab the fish when he jumps up to eat the fly, but little does the bear know a hunter is waiting for the bear to run to the lake so he can shoot him for a trophy, but little does the hunter know a mouse is eyeing the cheese in his pocket waiting for a chance to steal it, but little does the mouse know a cat is waiting to pounce. When the fly takes a sip of water, it all hits the fan. The fish eats the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse steals the cheese, and the cat pounces. However, in the confusion the cat falls into the lake. The moral of the story is when a fly drops a pussy gets wet.
A man walks into an antique store… and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies It’s $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it. The man replies I really don’t care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story. The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said I told you that you would be back for the story. The man replied The hell with the story, do you have a statue of a lawyer!
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. > Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. – > Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. – > Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. – > Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. – > Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. – > Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed. – > Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. – > Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for. – > Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. – > Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you’re right. – > Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. – > Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. – > Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. – > Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed. – > Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Science, Philosophy and Religion What is Science? Looking for a black cat in a black room. What is Philosophy? Asking whether there is a black cat in a black room. What is Religion? I HAVE THE CAT
A guy goes to a doctor… A guy goes to a doctor complaining his elbow his aching. Doctor asks him to bring in a urine sample. Guy is seriously mad, and thinks: I have an aching elbow and he asks for urine sample? So he decides to mess with the doctor and mixes his cats urine with his wifes and returns it to the doctor. Day after he gets a call from the doctor and doctor says: Your wife has herpes, your cat is perfectly well and you just have a too narrow toilet where to jerk off!
Cat dead. While sunning himself in the Bahamas, a wealthy English businessman received a telegram from his butler, which read simply: Cat dead. Distraught at the loss of his beloved pet, the businessman cut short his holiday and returned home. After giving the cat a decent burial in the garden, he remonstrated with his butler for the cold-hearted nature of the telegram. You should break bad news gently, he said. If I had been telling you that your cat had died, I would have sent a telegram saying: The cat’s on the roof and can’t get down. Then a few hours later I would have sent another telegram, saying: The cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt. Finally, a couple of hours after that, I would have sent a third telegram, saying: The cat had sadly passed away. That way, you would have been gradually prepared for the bad news and would have been able to deal with it better. I understand, sir, said the butler. I will bear that in mind in future. With that, the businessman booked another ticket to the Bahamas and resumed his holiday. Two days later, he received another telegram from his butler. It read: Your mother’s on the roof and can’t get down.
How my hubby and I creeped a Pakistani taxi driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. The silence in the taxi was deafening…..
A guy takes his dog to the vet. I guy sees that his dog isn’t moving at all so he takes it to the vet. The vet takes a quick look at it and says Sorry sir, but your dog is dead. Are you sure? Can you check more thoroughly? The vet say he will and brings in a Labrador to sniff the dog’s body. After that, he brings in a cat to do the same. He turns to the man and says Yes, your dog is dead beyond all doubt. That will be $2000. $2000! Why? You didn’t believe me so I had to do a lab test and a CAT scan.
cat swimming contest There were 3 cats who entered a swimming contest. An english cat named one, two, three A spanish cat names uno, dos, tres And a french cat named un, deux, trois After the contest, the cats stood on the podium to receive their medals. One, two, three was awarded 1st place. Uno, dos tres was awarded 2nd place. But what was Un, deux, trois awarded? Un, deux, trois, cat^*, cinq! ^* 4 is spelled quatre in french but when you’re typing it the R messes people up
How my wife and I terrified the cab driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. The silence in the taxi was deafening…..
Some people say that I’m too vague. My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. The silence in the taxi was deafening…..
So my new Quantum Computer finally arrived today… …inside the box, all I found was a dead cat 🙁
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. The silence in the taxi was deafening…..
when a fly drops 6 inches… One day there was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake, a fish sitting below the water waiting for the fly to drop so he could eat it, a bear watching the fish and waiting for the fish to come up to the surface to he could eat it, a hunter sitting and eating crackers waiting for the bear to move so he could run down and kill it, a mouse watching the crackers and waiting for the hunter to move so he could get the crackers, and a cat watching the mouse and waiting for it to come out of its hole so he could eat it. Then, the fly drops, the fish eats it, the bear eats the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets its crackers, but as the cat is running to go kill the mouse he slips and falls into the lake. Moral of the story? When a fly drops 6 inches… a pussy always gets wet.
A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer.. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. How about having sex with a cat? asked the zoophile. Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it, says the sadist. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it, shouted the murderer. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again, said the necrophile. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it, said the pyromaniac. Silence fell… then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: So, what’s it gonna be? To which he replied, meow
An Irish Golfer Strikes a Leprechaun with his Tee Shot… Colm goes out one fair evening for a solo round of golf. On the third hole (a long dogleg left par 4) he smashes his driver over the trap that guards the left corner of the dogleg. When Colm arrives at his ball, he sees a little red bearded man dressed in green lying unconscious with a large knot on his forehead. Jesus, Mary and Joesph exclaimed Colm, I’ve just killed a bloody Leprechaun! After hemming and hawing about what to do for a minute, he decides to flee. Just then the Leprechaun stirred and then sat up. Weel ya got me! slurred the Leprechaun. Colm, not knowing what to do or say just stared blankly, mouth agape. I see tha cat has got your tongue. said the Leprechaun smiling. You foyn sir are due three wishes. This was more than poor Colm could take. So he ran (golf clubs in tow) for the club house. The perplexed Leprechaun decided that rules were rules and that he would grant the three wishes in the golfer’s stead. The three wishes he granted were. 1) The golfer would always have great rounds of golf. 2) The golfer would never want for money. 3) From here on out, the golfer would have the best sex of his life. One year later Colm was golfing the same course and on the third hole, at the same bunker, the Leprechaun materialized. The Leprechaun asked a startled Colm how his year had been. This year has been amazing said Colm. I’ve golfed twice a week and birdied every hole! He continued, Amazingly, every time I went to the pub for a pint a new 20 pound note was in my wallet. And, I had great sex once a month. The confused Leprechaun asked, sex only once per month? Colm replied, yeah, but that’s not too bad for priest with a small parrish. …I heard that last night at the course. Props to Hugh who told me the joke.
3 women escape from prison… One is blonde, one is brunette and the other has red hair. As they run away frantically, they spot 3 burlap bags in a dark alley. They each get into a bag and hold the opening closed. A suspecting cop walks down the alley and notices the three bags moving. The cop kicks the first bag and the redhead says meow! and the cop says, oh, just a bag of cats . He proceeds to kick the second bag and the brunette says, woof, woof! . The cop says, Oh, it’s just some unwanted puppies. The cop kicks the last bag with the blonde and she says, Potatoooo, Potatooo!
space place Three years after the launch of the Mars rover, NASA had chosen to sent a cat up to check levels on the surface of the planet. It took the space pod over a week to get to Mars and land successfully and alive. The rover eventually met with the cat only to then deem the cat an intruder to its home and probably ran over it. So you could say curiosity did in fact kill the cat.
fly flying 6 inches above a lake Don’t miss this one… � � There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches I’d get it ! A bear on land thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I’d get it ! A hunter nearby thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I’ll shoot the bear. A mouse watching thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I’ll steal the cheese off his sandwich ! A cat in hiding thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I’ll get that mouse !!! Suddenly, it all happened: The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter’s cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water !!!!! The Moral Of This Story Is… Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet !!!
A Shitty Surprise A few weeks ago *Dan* a co-worker of my dad’s. Had given him a garbage bag of clothing. (My dad is the type of guy who will take anything.). Can you come in here , I think Mimi peed on my bed… I went to his room and examined the bed and there was no sign of her relieving herself but there was a weird smell in there. Flash forward to today. After our dinner , Me and my mom are chilling in the living room, watching Dance Moms. Then I hear my dad upstairs cleaning his room . Then all of a sudden I hear a gagging noise OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING GUY I thought maybe he found my brothers stash. But all of a sudden he rushed downstairs and out the door. ….. My dad then walks into the house with one tear coming from his one eye right eye. THAT FUCKING GUY GIVES ME A BAG WITH CLOTHES AND DOG SHIT IN IT!! THAT MADE ME VOMIT!! …oh fuck looool! While my dad was sorting through the bag of clothes for his trip abroad, he found the bag of Dan’s dog’s shit at the bottom. Since he got the bag of clothes two weeks ago …the surprise was also there for two weeks.The look on his face was priceless, he thought the whole time that my cat had pissed on his bed. But in reality it was that shitty surprise. **this person name has been changed,he worked with my dad.
A fly was buzzing above a lake A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it. A bear was in the lake and thought, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish. A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear. The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich. A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse. Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake. Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there’s bound to be a wet pussy.
Petition to replace Ellen Pao with Victoria Taylor. No joke. Its a popular coup necessary to save Reddit from its current state of gross mismanagement. (Also, did Jessie Jackson and the grotesque scaredy cat race baiting and fake Nazi-progressive politics of this Age get Victoria fired?)
A young boy at school… Over hears two other boys talking and using the words pussy and bitch. So he goes home and asks his mother what pussy means. She sighs and says it means a cat. The boy quickly responds with what about a bitch? . The mother once again sighs and smiles at her child and replies it’s a female dog, honey. The boy thanks his mother but is confused as to why the boys would be talking about cats and dogs the way they were. The boy goes to his father, who is watching the game and doesn’t like to be disturbed while watching the game, and asks him what pussy means. The father reaches down to the pile of magazines he has beside his chair and grabs a nudie mag and sharpie. He flips to a page circles the pussy on the woman and says that’s a pussy, son. The boy again quickly replies what’s a bitch? Without batting an eye the father states everything around the circle.
Reddit administration. Over hears two other boys talking and using the words pussy and bitch. So he goes home and asks his mother what pussy means. She sighs and says it means a cat. The boy quickly responds with what about a bitch? . The mother once again sighs and smiles at her child and replies it’s a female dog, honey. The boy thanks his mother but is confused as to why the boys would be talking about cats and dogs the way they were. The boy goes to his father, who is watching the game and doesn’t like to be disturbed while watching the game, and asks him what pussy means. The father reaches down to the pile of magazines he has beside his chair and grabs a nudie mag and sharpie. He flips to a page circles the pussy on the woman and says that’s a pussy, son. The boy again quickly replies what’s a bitch? Without batting an eye the father states everything around the circle.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best! I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
A little bird was flying south for the winter It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: Not everyone who Poops on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of Poop is your friend. And when you’re in deep Poop, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. Mom , the boy asks, What’s a pussy? The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says Son, that is a pussy. The son then asks What’s a bitch? The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says Son, this is a bitch. The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. . The son walks up to his father and says Dad, what’s a pussy? The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says Son, this is a pussy! The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks Then, what is a bitch? . . . The dad replies, That’s everything outside the circle!
An actual conversation I had with a little old lady. LOL Now that the gay marriage is legal, the next thing they will want is to marry cats and dogs. ME So, what’s wrong with marrying a dog or cat? LOL Well it’s sick and wrong. ME But why I don’t get it. LOL It just is,…… disgusting. ME But why I don’t understand? LOL Because then they could……. Have sex with them. ME Really so you think a marriage license is all that’s holding them back.
A man goes to the hospital with recurring migraines … and is surprised to see that his doctor is a dog. Good afternoon, I’m Dogtor Spot. I’ve been told that you have been suffering from severe headaches, and I believe there may be something wrong with your brain. I’d love to help you but I’m afraid all I can do is give you some pain meds and recommend you to my favorite neurologist Dr. Whiskers, she’s the only cat I trust. But dogtor, surely you have the technology here, can’t you help me? the man pleads. Dr. Spot simply replies I’m afraid dogs can’t but CAT scan.
‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’ The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
What do you call a tavern that only serves baby foxes and adult felines? Kit Cat Bar
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant! . The cat says, I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter. The penis, outraged, says At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head, throw you in a cave, and make you do push ups until you throw up!
A boy is taking a taxi by himself to get home… And so this little boy is annoying, which irritates the taxi-driver. He is teasing him and asking him stupid questions like: what do you get by crossing a cat and an elephant.. or what do you get by crossing a giraffe with a dog etc. The taxi-driver wants him to be quiet and is thinking: this kid won’t finish with his teasing . The driver gets so mad that he asks the boy: ey.. if your father is gay and your mother is a whore, what do you get by crossing them? The boy cleverly responds: a taxi-driver .
The man and the cat A man’s wife leaves for a week to visit friends across country. She leaves him food for the week and instructs him to keep the house clean and feed the cat. After 3 days away, the woman calls and asks him how everything is going. Wife: How is everything? Husband: Pretty good but the cat died 3 days ago. Wife: What? And you wait till now to tell me? No call that day? You could have called me each day and broke it to me easy, I loved that cat. On day one you could say the cat was up on the roof and fell off but looks ok. Day two he’s at the vet they said he’s not doing well and then today tell me he died. God you are so insensitive, how is my mother? Did you kill her too? Husband: Nah, she was up on the roof i think i just heard her fall off, ill take her to the vet tomorrow!
My father used to put snowballs in the blender and make great slushies Snowballs was a great cat
