Country boys learn the ways of the world One fine night, hot blonde Gina has her car break down on a lonely highway. Since no mechanic is in sight, and no car seems to pass by to ask for a lift, she knocks at the door of the nearest house she can find. She’s greeted by an unwilling old man. She explains her situation to him, saying that she just needs a place to stay for the night…the grumpy old man finally relents, and tells his dumb but innocent sons, Gary and Carl to sleep in the living room and give her the bed for the night. In the middle of the night, Gina feels the uncontrollable urge for the D. She wakes the boys up and leads her into the bedroom, and tells them, * Boys, tonight, I’m gonna teach you the ways of the world! But you don’t wanna get me pregnant, so you will have to put on these *, and so, our protected country boys grow up that night… 5 years later, Gary and Carl recall their magic moments with Gina on that amazing night. * You remember that girl Gina, who taught us the ways of the world? * * Yeah… *, they smile faintly, looking into the distance… * You still care if she gets pregnant? * * Nope… * * Good!…lets get rid of that thing we’ve put on… *
A redhead tells her blonde step sister that she had sex with a Brazilian. The blonde says, Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?
A man dies and goes to hell…. A man dies and goes to hell, upon his arrival, Satan says to him, I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, there are 3 doors here, behind each door are people being tortured. I’ll let you look and choose which one you would prefer for all eternity. So the man looks behind the first door and sees a man being poked with pitchforks, over and over. I don’t think I’d like that he says and looks behind the second door. He sees a man shackled to a bench with flames burning him all over. Nope, don’t want that one either! he says. Satan leads him to the third door, where he sees a really ugly old man, hands shackled to a wall, getting a blow job from a really pretty blonde girl. The man gets excited and shouts, That one! I’ll take this punishment for all eternity! Satan then taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, You can go now, we’ve found a replacement!
The sex shop It started raining, so I took shelter in a sex shop. I paid $50 and was confronted by 3 doors with signs; Blonde, Brunette, or Black. I chose blonde, only to be confronted by more doors; Small tits, Medium tits, or Big tits. I chose big tits,only to be confronted by another three doors; they were marked Small cunt, Large cunt, and Wet cunt, I chose wet cunt, and found myself back outside in the fucking rain!….
25 years of marriage Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. Just great, the brunette complained to the blonde, my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers. The blonde responds, Why is that a problem? The brunette replies, Because now he’ll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air. Why? asked the blonde, Don’t you have a vase?
A blonde was charged for driving into a funeral and killing 10 people. A cop came and asked, How in the world did you drive right into that funeral and kill 10 fucking people? The blonde hesitatingly replies, Uh, I was driving an old Ford of mine. And the brakes suddenly stopped working. So? I saw that two pedestrians were crossing the road and this funeral was to my right. You could have hit those two pedestrian cunts! Killing two is better than killing ten, cried the cop. I knew you would say that, officer, said the blonde getting confident. But as soon as I hit the first, the second started to run towards the funeral!
So a rookie cop see someone speeding I see someone speeding. I just pulled them over. What should I do. Is it the blonde? Yes. Pull your pants down and ask her to do a breathalyzer test. The rookie cop does what he is told. The blonde gets on her knees and says. Not this again.
My own personal hell The devil takes his new arival on a tour… He then explains to the man their are options how you can spend your eternity here . They walk along a corridor and the devil says you can choose anyone you like but you may only choose one and can not switch! Behind the first door are people being penetrated by pineapples The next door they are being chased by demons The following room people standing knee high in shit drinking coffie In the last room a man sitting in a recliner drinking beer watching TV getting his dick sucked by a beautiful blond woman The man says devil this is to be my punishment The Devil says , are you sure? Absolutely The Devil then walks in the room and over to the woman and says your relief is here!
A blonde walks into a drycleaners and says ‘good morning’ to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn’t hear too well and asked, Come again ? The blonde turned red and giggled. No, just mayonnaise this time.
My buddy has big news… He comes to me one day and says Dude, you’ll never believe it, I’m banging twins. That’s awesome I reply but how can you tell them apart? Easy he says Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache.
So a blind man walks into a bar.. The blind man sits down, thinking he’d break the ice with the bartender by asking Wanna hear a blond joke? In a hushed voice, a man beside him says Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I’m a 6’4 black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6’2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6’6, and he’s a wrestler. We’re ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke? The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied No, not if I have to explain it five times.
Three woman are all sentenced to death by firing squad. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde… The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls. The brunette went first. The executor said, We will shoot you on 3. 1…2… Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, TORNADO! Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety. The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, We will shoot you on 3. 1…2… FLOOD! the redhead screamed. Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety. The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, We will shoot you on 3. 1…2… FIRE!!! the blonde screamed…
Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, what do you think is further, the moon or Florida? The other responds, hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!
What is the difference between a blonde and a blonde dude? The blonde has a higher sperm count.
Two old guys are in their neighborhood bar having drinks… Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in. The first guy says, Tickle your ass with a feather? Beg your pardon? she asks. Particularly nasty weather, he replies. The brunette says, Oh, and leaves. Then a really hot redhead walks in. The first guy looks in her eyes and says, Tickle your ass with a feather? Her face lights up and she purrs, Yeah! So they leave and two hours later the first guy comes back for another drink. Shocked, the second guy asks the first one how he did it. He explains that he uses the line on every woman, and if they’re shocked he covers by saying, Particularly nasty weather, but otherwise, some girls are up for it. Eager to try it, the second guy waits for another woman to enter the bar. Soon a blonde walks in. He nervously says, Stick your ass with a feather? EXCUSE ME? shouts the blonde. The guy reddens and stutters, Uh, sorry, um… it’s fucking cold out ain’t it?
This cop spots this blond driving This cop spots this blond driving on the freeway knitting! Pull Over! he yells. No! She yells back, Cardigan!
Costa Rica stamps A blond goes in to the gynecologist and says I don’t know how but I keep finding stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina, and I have never been there or no anyone who lives there the doctor looks at one for a little bit and them come to the prognosis Miss these aren’t stamps from Costa Rica but they are stickers that are on bananas
A blonde was fed up with all the jokes being made about her… A ventriloquist was at a local bar. With the dummy on his knee, he was going through his normal jokes, many of which included Dumb Blonde jokes. After many of these jokes, a blonde in the crowd stood up and started yelling at the ventriloquist. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID JOKES MAKING FUN OF BLONDES! She was extremely angry. The man, fairly startled, began to apologize, when the blonde cut him off. You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!
Hey, wanna play a game? A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says Hey, wanna play a game? Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says What is it? Well, the way it works is that if I ask you a question and you don’t know the answer to it you pay me 5 dollars. But if you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer I’ll pay YOU 5 dollars. Nope, not interested. Okay hang on, says the lawyer, confident in his intelligence. Tell you what, if you ask me a question and I can’t answer it I’ll give you a hundred dollars instead. How does that sound? Now much more interested the blonde nods agreeably. First question, says the lawyer. What is the chemical symbol of gold? The blonde wracks her brains but just can’t remember and hands him five dollars. My turn! she says. What has silver and red stripes with 16 legs and wings? The lawyer’s quite confused by this, but he desperately tries to think of all the zoology he knows. He even makes surreptitious google searches on his phone. But try as he might he still can’t find the answer. Finally he gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill. But I have to know, he asks, what was the answer to your question? Without a word the blonde slips him another five dollars.
Blondes are getting clever. A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for a loan. She is going on a two week long businesstip arround Europe and needs a loan on $800. The banker says that the bank needs some kind of security for the loan. The blonde hands over the keys for her brand new Mercedes, which is parked right outside of the bank. The banker says this will work just fine as security for the loan and accepts the car keys. The banker and his co-workers laughes at the blonde since she uses a brand new Mercedes Benz to about $300.000 as security for a loan on $800. The banker drives the car down into the bank’s garage and parks it. Two weeks later the blond enters the bank once again and pays back the loan on $800 with interest on $5. ”The bank is very glad you wanted to take out a loan here, but we are confused” the banker says. ”When you were gone, we did some research and found out that you are a multimillionaire. I am sure you don’t need to take out a loan on $800”. The blond replies: ”Where else am I supposed to park my car in two weeks for $5?”
A blonde woman was speeding… A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it. The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is, she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.
Milkman (nsfw-ish) A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons? The blonde said, No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again. The milkman asked, Do you want it pasteurized? The blonde said, No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.
Bartering Australian style This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer? … I thought for a few seconds and asked, What kind of beer ‘ya got?
A blonde a brunette and a red head go camping… They set up camp and go to sleep for the night. The next morning they wake up to find the red head preparing a deer and cooking it up. Amazed, the blonde and brunette ask where she got it. Simple says the red head. I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and BOOM, caught a deer! The brunette is excited and says Wow! I have to try that! She heads out into the woods and comes back a couple hours later dragging a full moose carcass. The other two are shocked and ask her how she got it. Simple! says the brunette. I just followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and BOOM caught a moose! The blonde says she’s not going to be left out and says she’s going to go catch something too. So she heads off into the woods and three hours later the red head and brunette see her dragging her bloodied body back into camp. Her arm and both legs are broken and she can hardly move. My god! What happened! says the red head. Simple! says the blonde. I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and BOOM got hit by a train!
Winter weather emergency On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently . So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park… And the power goes off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through? With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, Honey, why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.
A brunette and redhead and a blonde are at the OBGYN The brunette says she knows she is going to have a boy because her husband was on top. The redhead says she is is going to have a girl, because she was on top. The blonde says: Oh my God. I’m going to have puppies!
Green side up….. A newlywed couple is taking a tour of their potential first house with their realtor. The realtor shows them the first bedroom upstairs which is a kids bedroom. The realtor is going over the features when he suddenly walks over to the window, opens it up, and shouts green side up! . The young couple just kinda look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They move on to the next room which is an office. Again, halfway though his description of the space, the realtor goes over to the window. He opens it and shouts, green side up! . The couple again shrug their shoulders and they move on to the master bedroom. The realtor begins to describe the room and once again, opens the window and yells, green side up! . This time the husband asks the realtor, Why is it that every time we tour a new room you open the window and yell green side up? . The realtor replies, Sorry about that, I have a crew of blonde women laying sod .
A blonde is driving down the road. She looks out her window and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field. She stops and yells to her, Why are you rowing a boat in a field? The second blonde replies, Because it is an ocean of wheat. The first blonde says, It’s dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I could swim I’d kick your ass!
A blonde in a snowstorm A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
what is your dirtiest joke ever What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.
the golf course frog A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak ‘ribbit 9 iron’. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said ‘you must be my lucky charm’. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life. Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said ‘you must be my lucky charm’. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said ‘ribbit Vegas’. On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite. Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said ‘I don’t know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I’ve ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?’ The frog looked the man in the eyes and said ‘Ribbit, kiss me’. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, naked…14 year old girl. …and I swear, your honor, that’s exactly how she ended up in my room!
A blonde and a shepherd. A blonde, tired of people assuming she’s stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one? The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, 237. He does some quick figures in his head, realizes she’s right and tells her to grab one. As she comes back with her pick **he** asks, if I guess what color your roots are, can I have my dog back? **Edit:** Put he in bold, since some people seem to have missed that.
The Magic Lamp (NSFW) Three men are wandering through the woods, when they stumble across a dark cave. They decide to make their way inside to investigate. Inside they find torches on the walls, and a single purple cushion with a golden lamp on top, on the floor. The first guy guy decides to pick it up and rub it, and a genie appears spiraling out in smoke. I am the genie of the lamp. I shall grant each one of you men with exactly one wish! , he exclaimed. The first guy approaches him and says, I would like a dick made of solid mahogany wood! Your wish is granted! BAM. He has a dick made of wood. The second guy then approaches and asks, I would like a dick made of solid, unmeltable ice. Your wish is granted! BAM. He has a dick made of ice. The third guy then approaches and says, I would like a dick a half-a-mile long! Your wish is granted! BAM. He has a dick a half-a-mile long. The genie then exclaims, If after one year, you are not satisfied with your wish, come back and I shall reverse it! , and then dissapears. A year passes and all three men decide to come back to the cave. One of them picks up the lamp and rubs it. The genie comes spiraling out of the lamp and says, I see you have returned. What was was wrong with your wish? The first guy steps up and says, You see it was going great for a bit, but every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up her butt. Very well , the genie says, I shall change it back. BAM. The first guy has a normal dick again. The second guy steps up and says, You see it was going great for a bit, but every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets frostbite up her butt. Very well , the genie says, I shall change it back. BAM. The second guy has a normal dick again. The third guy steps up and says, I don’t have a problem with my new dick. I love this thing! Very well , the genie says, What’s the best part about it? See that hot blonde all the way down there? , the guy asks. Yeah… BAM!
A redhead goes to the doctor A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. Impossible! says the doctor. Show me. The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, You’re not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she said, I’m actually a blonde. I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
A blond, a brunette and a redhead survive a plane crash in the desert they are sure to die, but suddenly the redhead stumbles on a piece of metal. it looked like a lamp, so she rub it and magically a genie appears. ” I will give you each one wish , says the genie. The redhead wishes to return to her family, and her wish gets granted. the brunette wishes to to live in a big palace with her family, her wish gets granted.Then, the blonde says: I will be so bored here by myself, I wish the two others come back
A blonde walking down the street with the car … A blonde walking down the street with the car and take the opposite. A cop stops and asks: – Do you know why I pulled you over? To which the blonde says: – Clearly, you want to go out with me!
The Three Construction Workers Three construction workers were at lunch one day, a Mexican, an Italian, and a Blonde man. While eating, the Mexican says I love my wife, but if she makes me one more burrito for lunch, I swear I will jump off this building! The Italian man joins in as well I agree, my friend, I have been eating her pizza every day for 10 years! I will join you if my wife makes me this for lunch again! Then the Blonde man pipes in, saying Me too! I don’t want another bologna sandwich, so count me in! The next day, sure enough the Mexican man gets his burrito, the Italian his pizza and the Blonde a bologna sandwich. So they wrote a note, and in unison, keeping with their oath they hurl themselves off the top of the skyscraper! At the funeral, the wives of the Mexican man and the Italian man were both very sad, wishing they had known they could have prevented their deaths. But the blonde mans wife was upset like the others, so they asked her why she wasn’t sad. She responded Hey, don’t look at me. He made his own lunch.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, She should; she was standing on it. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. You’re finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.
Blonde tries to buy a TV. A young blonde lady wants to buy a new Television. She walks into an electronics store, has a quick browse and picks the TV. She pulls the store clerk over and tells him she would like to buy that TV, he replies Sorry, we do not serve blondes here . The blonde is disgusted and offended, but she really wanted that TV. She goes home and dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store, she makes sure she finds a different clerk and attempts to buy the TV again, the clerk responds Sorry, we do not serve blondes here . The blonde, being extremely confused at this point, utters out How do you know I am blonde? My hair is brown! To which the clerk replies, because that’s not a TV, it’s a microwave .
The FBI and the Blonde The year is 2001, and it’s post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public. A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says: In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man. The agent pulls out a picture. It’s a picture of the side of a man’s face. He puts the picture down. What do you remember? said the FBI agent Well… that man had one eye! said the blonde No no no! the FBI agent yelled frustrated. Lets try this again. The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away. Now what do you remember? he said. The blonde thought for a while then said. Um… that man had one ear! No no no! Wrong! I’ll give you one last try The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again. NOW what did you see? said the FBI agent Um… That man wears contacts! said the blonde. Uh.. What? The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes. Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know? Well with one eye and one ear, you can’t wear glasses, duh!
Mailman’s last day on the job A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She’s wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best sex of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks What in the world is all of this for? . The woman responds, I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar’. The breakfast was my idea .
The Bodybuilder The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, ‘What a great chest you have!’ He tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.’ He takes off his pants and the blonde says, ‘What massive calves you have!’ The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.’ He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, ‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’
Beer This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of Bud Light cheap. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, I’m a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer? I thought for a few seconds and asked, What kind of beer ‘ya got?
Some God Awful OC Bartender Jokes Give it to me straight, I need the feed back ______ A doctor walks into a bar. He appears to be exhausted; his hair is disheveled, his face is drawn. Bartender asks rough day? The doctor sits at the bar and says its flu season, give me a shot. ______ An elderly man walks into a bar holding hands with a beautiful young woman. He is obviously a man of great wealth, as his watch is decked in diamonds and his suit is of Italian make. As the pair sits down, the bartender says I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve minors here, nodding towards the woman. The man retorts Now hold on just a minute. How would you know if she’s a minor? You haven’t even asked for her ID! The bartender shrugs and says she’s clearly a gold digger. ______ A large block of ice walks into a bar and places his order. I’ll take a whisky on the rocks, but don’t serve my kids. ______ The bartender walks into a doctor’s office and says same punch line, different context. ______ Two nuns walk into a bar. The first is elderly, and seems to be fully devout. The other is young, blonde, and appears to be new to the convent. Bartender, says the elderly nun, I was wondering if you could settle a little dispute for us. You see, my trainee believes that true holiness can be achieved in a matter of days, rather than with the years on end that I’ve been practicing. One year out of catholic school, and she thinks that she is as holy as me! I’ll tell you what, replies the bartender, both of your write down your arguments, and I’ll decide who among you is most holy. The sisters begin to write their cases. The elder nun finishes first, and slides her paper toward the bartender. At this point, the blonde sister has pulled out a calculator, and starts to plug away at the buttons. The bartender reads the first paper aloud. Everyday, for the last 40 years, I’ve woken at dawn for morning prayer. I prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the entire convent, while using any spare hours for reading the texts and scripture. In case that isn’t holy enough, I volunteer on the weekends.’ Good gracious, sister! Says the bartender, this is quite exemplary. By now, the young nun has finished and has passed her paper to the bartender. All this says is πr^2, r=2 Hold on, is this an equation for the area of a circle?! exclaims the bartender. Oh, sorry, says the blonde, blushing. It was supposed to be circumference. ______ A bartender has been going through a financial rough patch, and hoped that his wife would accommodate for the tough times by letting him try anal. Now, the wife resents her husband, and was appalled by his audacity to ask for such a thing with their marriage on the fritz. She denies his request. Later in the week, a man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a prostitute. The bartender is about to send the man on his way, when he gets an idea that would make him some money while simultaneously punishing his wife. You see that woman in the corner? He asks, Well, she’s one of the best girls we got. You go over to her and take her into the private room. You can do whatever you want with her, no matter how much she resists. It’s all part of the act. After you’re through, come back here and pay full price, $2000. The man nods his head excitedly in agreement and walks toward the wife. The bartender watches from afar as the two exchange a few quick words. All of a sudden, he sees the man grab his wife by the arm and pull her into the private room. The bartender smiles inwardly to himself and thinks Ha! That’ll teach the bitch to appreciate me. Plus, I’m making a small fortune! After about twenty minutes, the wife comes out, alone. She heads over to the bartender with a slight limp. Where’s your new friend? asks the bartender, smiling. He owes me a little money. The wife snickers, pulls her husband in close and whispers in his ear I let him use the back door, and walks away. ______ A man walks into a bar and the bartender says NO. STOP. GET OUT OF HERE, THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANY MORE.
My German professor today in class. So today in my Total War class our professor, a blond blue eyed German man started discussing the Holocaust and opened the class up to discussion. After a while one of the students said something similar to what another group was talking about and so the professor looked at him and said, Well I think I’d put you in the same camp as them. The look of shock on his face and the classes was priceless. It was a good day in class!
A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. Hey, girls, says the brunette one day, let’s go home early tomorrow. She ‘ ll never know. So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says, That was fun, we should do it again sometime. No way, says the blonde. I almost got caught .
There was a male engineer on a cruise ship… There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No people, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, Where did you come from? How did you get here? She said, I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank. Amazing , he said, I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you? It is only me , she said, and the row-boat didn’t wash up, nothing else did. Well then , said the man, how did you get the row-boat? I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island , replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that? Oh, no problem , replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she continued. Where do you live? At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. Well, let’s row over to my place , she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. It’s not much , she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink? No , said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke. It won’t be coconut juice , the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard? No , the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship. Well if you would like to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom. So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. You look great , said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable. So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned – this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. Tell me , she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now? Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, Tell me. Do you happen to have an internet connection; I need to check reddit?
Ladies Night A blind man enters a bar, not knowing it’s ladies night. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls quiet. In a deep voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5. The woman to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah … Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
Who doesn’t enjoy a blonde joke A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies .. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
