One million dollar question.. -Dad! Dad! Our teacher at school asked us to explain the difference between the word ”theoretical and reality .. Can you help me? -Very well son, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for one million dollars. Kid goes and asks his mum: -Mum…would you sleep with another man for one million dollars? -But of-course! said the mother. -Dad, dad! She said she would! -Ok good, now go and ask your sister the same question… -Jenny.. would you sleep with another man for one million dollars? -For sure! said Jenny. -Dad! Dad! She also said she would. -Ok, now go ask your big brother. -Johnny, would you sleep with another man for one million dollars? -Well.. yeah, why not! said Johnny. -Dad! Dad! He said yes! And the dad goes: -See? Theoretically we have three million dollars in this household, but in reality we have two whores and a faggot.
Little Johnny learns construction (long) Little Johnny was acting up, driving his Mom crazy. Exasperated, his Mom suggests, Johnny, why don’t you go down the road where they’re building a house? Maybe you’ll learn something. His Mother enjoyed a peaceful couple of hours until Johnny returned. Mom asked, Well Johnny, did you learn anything today? Johnny replied, I learned how to hang a door! Mom said, Why don’t you tell me about it? Johnny says, Well, first you slap the fucker up. Goddamn cocksucker don’t fit. Then you pull the sonofabitch down, shave a cunthair off this side, a cunthair off the other side, and slap it up again. Motherfucker fits perfect! Appalled, his Mother says, Johnny! Go to you room and wait until your father gets home! When Dad gets home, Mom says, Johnny’s up in his room. You better go talk to him about what he told me today. Dad goes upstairs and asks Johnny, What did you tell your mother today? Johnny replies, I told her I learned how to hang a door. Dad says, Can you tell me about it? Johnny: Sure! First you slap the fucker up. Goddamn cocksucker don’t fit. Then you pull the sonofabitch down, shave a cunthair off this side, a cunthair off the other side, and slap it up again. Motherfucker fits perfect! Outraged, Dad says Johnny! That’s completely inappropriate! Go out back and get me a switch! To which Johnny replies, Fuck that! That’s the electrician’s job!
Little Johnny needs help with a report… Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his dad for help with a report. Dad, I have to write a report on economics and the government His dad goes, Well Johnny, that should be easy, just look at how our family interacts and that should give you a good idea how to write your report. I don’t understand dad, what do you mean? asks Johnny. Well Johnny, it’s really quite simple. I make all the money for our household, so you could call me capitalism. Your mom manages all of the money, so we’ll call her government. The nanny takes care of you and your little brother, so lets call her the working class. Since we all take care of you, you’d be the people, and your little brother, well, he’s the future Johnny figures that should be easy, so he starts making observations throughout the day and taking notes. He goes to bed that night thinking he did a decent job. During the night, he wakes up to hear his brother crying. He goes to check on him and finds him with a really crappy diaper. So he decides to go get the nanny, but her door is locked. He peeks through the peep hole and sees his dad banging the nanny. He figures he should go get his mom, but as he tries to wake her up she won’t budge. So finally he says ‘screw it’ and goes back to bed. In the morning, Johnny comes down to the breakfast table and his dad is making breakfast. His dad asks, How’d your report go? and Johnny replies, Well, I think I know how it all works . His dad says, Okay Johnny, in your own words, how does economics and government work? Johnny says, Well… While capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are ignored and the future is in deep shit
So Johnny just turned 21. And he is still a virgin. He decides that tonight he is going to change that. So he scrapes together $50 and goes down to the local whore house. He walks in and talks to the pimp. Hi, I’m still a a virgin and want my first time to be with a really hot girl, but I only have $50. The pimp thinks about for a bit and says, I got just the girl for you. Down the hall, last door on the left. So Johnny goes down the hall and knocks on the door. Now he’s sitting there praying, please let her be hot, please let her be hot. Eventually the door opens and she is drop dead gorgeous, a perfect 10. So he goes in and says he’s a virgin, and she says don’t worry I’ll handle everything. So they strip down and start doing it and Johnny says that it kind of hurts. The prostitute says that’s normal and to keep going. And Johnny insists that it really hurts. So the prostitute says fine wait outside for a few minutes. So Johnny goes outside and waits, eventually she opens the door and they head inside and start doing it again. And Johnny says, wow this feels a lot better, what did you do? Oh I pulled the scabs out.
Little Johnny had a bad day. He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious. Johnny, I saw you just did and you’re in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don’t get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either! Just then, the two of them saw Johnny’s dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says, Shall you tell him, or shall I?
Death of an Eel Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. He did this, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel… I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. His Mother fainted.
Little Johnny was about to go home from school but before his class was dismissed, his 2nd grade teacher said, I’m going to teach you guys about the government next class, so for homework I want you to ask your parents about the government. When Johnny got home, he went up to his father and asked him, Daddy, what’s the government? His father said, Look at it this way son. Our house is the United States of America, and I’m the president, your mother is Congress, the maid is the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Johnny says, I don’t get it. His father replies, You will eventually. The next day, Johnny wakes up to find out his baby brother went #2 in his diaper. He went to go tell his mother, but she was still sleeping. He then began to hear noises coming from the maid’s room. When he peaked through the door, he found his father doing it with the maid. Johnny closed the door then he exclaims, Oh now I get it! In the United States of America, the president is screwing the working class, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!
A firefighter, a Native American, and a soldier are in a plane… …flying over the US. They aren’t up very high and so the windows are open (ignore the unscientific logic of this, it’s a joke). They’ve been in there quite some time, and the firefighter starts getting bored. He pulls out his extra hat and drops it out the window just to see what will happen. It plummets to the ground and they can’t see it land- they’re too far up. Now both the soldier and the Native American are looking at him like what the hell, dude. So he thinks fast and says It was in honor of my comrade who died in 9/11. The Native American then walks over and drops a spear out the window and says It was in honor of my tribe leader who died in a terrible accident. Then the soldier, who clearly isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, feels like he has to one-up them. He has nothing on him, however, except a small explosive. He tosses it out the window and says It was for my country. They land nearby, and they see two kids sobbing and one laughing hysterically. The firefighter goes to one of the sad kids and asks what’s wrong. The kid points to a huge bruise on his head. A helmet fell from the sky and I think I have a concussion! The Native American, fearing the worst, speaks to the other crying kid. Are you okay? The child shakes his head. A spear fell from the sky and hit my cat! She’s dead! The soldier approaches the last child, the one laughing, and says, What’s so funny? The boy can barely formulate a response through his giggles, but he finally manages to force out, Johnny farted and the house blew up.
Little Johnny asked god a question. Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you? God: Why, yes it’s absolutely true! Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you? God: You’re absolutely right! Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny? God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
Little Johnny asks his mother her age… Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question. Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question. The boy then asks, Why did Daddy leave you? To this, the mother says, You shouldn’t ask that, and sends him to his room. On the way, Johnny trips over his mother’s purse. When he picks it up, her driver’s license falls out. Johnny runs back into the room. I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an ‘F’ in sex!
A traditional Indian woman walks into a bar for the first time… She sits down between two men. She hears the first man says to the bartender Johnny Walker, single. Then second man says to the bartender Jack Daniels, single. The bartender turns to the Indian woman… She says Pushpaben Patel, Married.
Famous quotes… One Friday morning, a teacher telss her students, I’m gonna give you a famous quote, and whoever can tell me who is famous for the quote can take the rest of the day off…first quote: ‘If I want to be the father of my country, I cannot tell a lie…I chopped down the cherry tree’. Little Suzie raises her hand and says, That was George Washington! The teacher says, Very good, Suzie. You can pack your books and leave early…see you Monday morning. Then she says, Second quote: ‘I have a dream’. Little black Sambo raises his hand and says, Ooh…I know…I know! The teacher says, Okay, Sam…who was it? Sambo says, That was Martin Luther King Jr! The teacher says, Very good, Sam. You can pack your books and go home early, we’ll see you Monday. Little Sambo says, Oh, no, I wanna stay and learn more! Little naughty Johnny, in the back of the class mumbled, Stupid fuckin’ nigger! The teacher heard and barked, Who said that? Naughty Johnny raises his hand and says, Mark Fuhrman…see ya Monday!
Discipline is important A wife calls her husband into their son’s room. She says, Look what I found under Johnny’s bed! as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat o’ nine tails of every size, color, and material. What are we going to do with him? she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, Whatever we do we shouldn’t spank him.
Bad Lil’ Johnny’s Fishing Trip with His Grandpa… [Explicit] Bad Lil’ Johnny headed out on the water with his Grandpa for a day of fishing. After awhile of fishing, Grandpa got thirsty so he pulled out a beer and began to drink. Bad Lil’ Johnny became curious never having tasted beer before and asked if he could have a sip of Grandpa’s beer. Grandpa replied, I don’t know Son, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? To which Bad Lil’ Johnny sadly replied, No, Grandpa, I cannot. Grandpa responded with, Then No, Son, You are not old enough. Awhile later, Grandpa pulled out a cigar, lit it, and began to puff out a few smoke rings. Bad Lil’ Johnny’s curiosity led him to ask Grandpa for a puff of the cigar. Grandpa simply replied, I don’t know Son, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? To which Bad Lil’ Johnny sadly replied again, No, Grandpa, I cannot. Grandpa responded with, Then No, Son, You are not old enough. Awhile later, Bad Lil’ Johnny began to get hungry, so he pulled out a bag of Oreos that his mom had packed for his fishing trip with Grandpa and began to eat some. Grandpa, now feeling hungry, asked Bad Lil’ Johnny if he could have an Oreo. Bad Lil’ Johnny asked, I don’t know Grandpa, Can you touch your dick to your asshole? to which Grandpa proudly relpied, Yes Son, I sure can! Bad Lil’ Johnny smiled and looked his Grandpa in the eyes and simply said, Good… Then go fuck yourself… these are my Oreos.
Snake in the garden. Little Johnny’s dirty and needs a bath but hates taking them. He asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She thinks about it a bit and agrees but makes him promise not to look up or down. While taking their shower Johnny looks up and asks, what are those? his mom says, they’re flood lights , then he looks down and asks, mommy what’s that? she says, oh that’s called a garden. The next night same thing. Johnny doesn’t want to take his bath. This time he asks his dad if he can shower with him. His father reluctantly agrees but tells him not to look down. Of course while showering Johnny looks down and asks, daddy, what’s that? His father replies, well son that’s called a snake. Later that night Johnny has a terrible nightmare and gets up to go to his parents room and sleep with them. He opens their bedroom door and screams, mommy mommy turn on your flood lights there’s a snake in the garden.
Sore Paws Little Johnny calls his dad, ‘Dad those two dogs over there, why is the one at the front giving the one at the back a ride?’ ‘Errr, hmm, well son, the one at the back has saw front paws, so the one at the front is giving him a lift home’ ‘It’s always the same innit dad’ ‘What’s that son?’ ‘You try and help someone out, you end up getting fucked!’
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex….. his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny’s room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, not so funny when it’s your Mom, is it?
There was once a young couple… Once there was a young couple who were very much in love.The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the couple. I have some good news and some bad news, The doctor said. The good news is that you are the parents of a seven pound baby. The bad news, I’m afraid, is that there is an abnormality. Your baby is just a head. It was born without a torso. Well the young couple was very brave, and they took their baby home and they loved it, and cared for it, and played for it. And on the baby’s twelfth birthday, the doctor called and said, I have amazing news. A torso has been found that would be a perfect match for a head. Come in immediately for it’s ready for a transplant. The couple was elated, not only by the news, but that this amazing stroke of fortune should fall on their son’s birthday. They ran to his room. Son! The father exclaimed. We have the best birthday present a boy like you could ever dream of! Oh yeah? Said the kid, looking up from the floor. Well it better not be another fucking hat! This was a joke told by Johnny Carson, at Reagan’s Inauguration, but I don’t know if he wrote it.
A teacher is testing the math knowledge of Johnny in class… The teacher asks him, Johnny, what is 43 + 24? Johnny replies, 90? The other students say, Give him another question! Alright, says that teacher. What’s 16 – 12? Johnny replies, 42? The other students burst out with yells, loudly saying, Give him another question! Fine. Johnny, what is 2 + 2? Johnny replies, 4? There were explosions of screaming across the class. **Give him another question!**!
A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, Hey Johnny, How are You? The wife asks, How does he know you? Johnny says, Oh dear, I play football with him. Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Johnny? Johnny says to Wife, Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts Team. Next a stripper Says, Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again?? The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time….
Johnny in 1st Grade The first grade teacher was asking her class to think of a word that started with each letter of the alphabet. She began with A. Several students raised their hands but in the back Johnny, a notoriously foul mouthed kid, was jumping up and down pleading to be called on. The teacher, thinking Johnny would say something like asshole skipped hima dn called on Jennifer. Apple Jennifer said. Very good Jennifer! said the teacher. Next was B. Again Johnny was jumping up and down with a raised hand. The teacher, thinking Johnny would say butthole or bastards instead called on Tommy. Baseball, said Tommy. Next was C and Johnny immediately began jumping up and down wanting to be called on. The teacher thought for sure Johnny would say Cunt so she called on Alice. Cat, said Alice. On through the alphabet they went and by the time they reached R it became too obvious the teacher was ignoring Johnny. She couldn’t think of a bad word that began with R so she cautiously called upon Johnny. RATS Teacher!! he exclaimed. The teacher was relieved, not the best word but not that bad. But Johnny wasn’t done. Big fucking rats, teacher, with huge cocks like that, spreading his arms as wide as he could.
Saw this penis prank joke at the front page and reminded me of little johnny… who wrote on the black board at classroom: Johnny has an enormous penis . After seeing it, the teacher erased it and said: Johnny, stay after class! I need to talk to you. The following day, on the blackboard: Advertisement is the soul of every business .
How little stefan got a brand new watch.. Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story, I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is. Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, I want a watch. The dad sighs and says, Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise .
Ruth and Johnny Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly.
Not sure if this has been posted before, but my favorite Dirty Johnny’s sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet. The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, What’s something that starts with the letter A? Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny’s. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can’t call on Johnny, he’ll say asshole or something like that. So she calls on Martha, and Martha answers apple. Next, she asks if anyone can think of something that starts with B and again Johnny’s hand goes up. The teacher thinks, well, I can’t call on him, he’ll say bitch or something like that. So instead, she calls on Davey, who answers basketball. This goes on all the way down the alphabet, until finally the teacher gets to R. Only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses for a minute, and nobody else raises their hand, but she thinks, oh, it should be fine, nothing really nasty starts with R anyway. Okay, Johnny, what’s something that starts with R? RATS, teacher, big motherfuckin’ RATS, with three-foot cocks!
Little Johnny at the Farm Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables. Johnny’s dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny’s mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food. Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey’s head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself. Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny’s father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that? Johnny replies, I was walking past y’alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, If you wet the head first, it’ll go right in.’
Morality stories A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. And what’s the moral of the story? asked the teacher. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! Very good, said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched. That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share? Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands. Good heavens, said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.
Having sex with the teacher Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny’s mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny’s father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says Johnny, don’t tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you’re just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny’s father says Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I’ll be alright walking by myself. Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny’s dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn’t want to ride his bike home and he replied, My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher
Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill… …Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.
John Wayne It was a slow day for Mike. He was hunched over the counter doing the crossword in newspaper to pass time as he waited for customers to visit his shop. The door opened and the bell rang, in walks his good friend Johnny. Hey there Johnny! How ya doin’? What can I get you, buddy? Hey Mike, doing good. Just a little short of money this month and we’re all out of toilet paper. Gee, that’s too bad Johnny. Tell ya what. I’ve got a delivery of a shipment of unbranded toilet paper. You try them out, if you can come up with a name for them there’ll be no charge. How about that? Thanks Mike, you really came through for me. I won’t forget this! They bid their farewells, Johnny leaves and Mike carries on with the crossword. A few days later Johnny visits the shop again. Hey Johnny how’s life treating you? Did you manage to think of a name for the toilet paper? I sure did Mike. You should name it after John Wayne, because it’s rough, tough and don’t take no shit from nobody!
God-damn eggs It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing *ever*, and asks, Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh? Johnny whispers I’m going to say ‘God-damn’! Freddie is really impressed. Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS! They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks, What would you like for breakfast, Johnny? And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs! Their mother is stunned, then furious – WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! , and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!? Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!
What’s the difference between confident and confidential? A father and son were having breakfast one morning when the son asked: Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential? Thinking about it for a bit, the father replied: Well… You are my son, and of that I am confident. Now, your friend Johnny is also my son. That’s confidential.
So Johnny caught a fish He caught it down by the pond, and it was a really big one. Johnny, a country boy, was playing hooky from the local Catholic school. He was carrying his big fish down the road – and who does he run into but Sister Mary, one of the nuns in the parish. She says Johnny! Skipping school again!? What will we do with you? But – goodness is that a fish?? Why it’s one of the biggest I’ve ever seen! Johnny, quite proudly, holds it up yep – ain’t it the bestest son of a bitch you ever seen? Sister Mary is shocked. Johnny! Such language! But Johnny, thinking fast, said Oh no, Sister Mary, I wasn’t cussin’ at all! Why, um, that’s just what the local folk around here call that kind of fish. You got your trout, your flounders – and your sons-of-bitches Well Sister Mary is quite relieved, and says why, I had no idea! Learn something new every day! Say – why don’t we take this, uh, son of a bitch and show it to the Mother Superior? I’m sure she’d be *very* impressed! So they go together to the village, and show the fish to the Mother Superior, and Sister Mary says Isn’t this a beautiful son of a bitch? The Mother Superior is also shocked, and Sister Mary quickly explains that this is just the local term for this kind of fish, and it’s perfectly acceptable to use the vernacular. Relieved, the Mother Superior says, we simply must show this excellent fish to the Monsignor! So they bring the fish to the Monsignor, and the Mother Superior says Isn’t this the largest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen? The Monsignor is also shocked, but as before the Mother Superior explains – local term, we try to fit in with the people etc and the Monsignor is relieved and says This is indeed an excellent fish. The Archbishop is in residence – let us serve this fish for his supper! So the fish is cooked, and the entire party – Johnny, Sister Mary, the Mother Superior and the Monsignor – all join the Archbishop for supper since, after all, it’s appropriate to occasionally break bread with all levels of society. It’s a wonderful meal, and there’s nothing left of the fish but bones, and the Monsignor rubs his belly saying That was a really good son of a bitch! The Mother Superior agrees, Why, I think that was the best son of a bitch I ever tasted! Sister Mary adds, I just love good son of a bitch! Johnny proudly adds And I was the one that caught that son of a bitch!! The Archbishop looks at them all, looking from on to another. He slowly gets up, gets a cigar from his desk and returns. He puts his feet up on the table, lights the cigar and through a cloud of smoke says, You are *my* fucking kind of people!
Little Johnny went to get his teeth checked one day. He was really nervous and he could not bring himself to trust the dentist, despite the kind dentist`s efforts to reassure him. No matter what the dentist said, Johnny just became more and more worried. Gentle coaxing from the dentist eventually got Johnny on the chair, which the dentist then adjusted. With Johnny seemingly starting to relax in the chair, the dentist then prepared his instruments for the check-up. However, just as the dentist placed the small mirror in Johnny`s mouth, he felt a small hand gently, but firmly, cup his balls. With a gasp of surprise, the dentist looked down at Johnny who said, We aren`t going to hurt each other now, are we?
New Trainset Johnny loved his new train set. His mother could leave him for hours at a time while she did things around the house without him to bother her. One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on. Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. Young man , she said march up to your room and think about what I’ve told you about that kind of language. So up to his room he goes. Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his train set. The train goes around a couple of times and he proceeds to say All those who want to get off, get the fuck off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
Little Johnny At The Park Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…. Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…. At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight. At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
Little johnny’s balloon A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues. ‘Johnny!’ Mom screams. ‘Knock it off!.’ You’re going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right? she asks. He says, I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!
So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris… And the man behind the desk said, Eurostar? So I replied, Well I’ve been on TV, but I’m no Johnny Depp!
A teacher is teaching vocabulary… …and asks the children to use the word urinate in a sentence. Little Suzy stands up first and proudly says, When I was little, I used to say peepee, but now I say urinate. Very good, says the teacher. You are very mature. Anyone else? Fat Carl stands up confidently and says, Bear Grylls taught me to urinate in a dead snake’s skin and put it around my neck to keep cool. Um, ok. That’s a little strange, but you still used the word correctly. Good job. Anyone else? Dirty Johnny stands up, looks the teacher up and down, and says, Ms. Jones, urinate, but if you had any tits you’d be a 10.
Knock knock? Who’s there? …It’s Johnny, grandma… A single tear rolled down the boys face. Alzheimers was taking its hold on her.
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School… and each student had to write about their dad’s profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work. When the teacher asked Johnny he said, My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend. What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that’s not what your dad does! You’re really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!
Johnny steals a pencil Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious. Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can’t believe you did this. You’re grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I’ll bring you dozens of pencils from the office. -From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely
Little Johnny goes to his parents’ room to say goodnight He walks in and sees them having sex. They continue and Johnny runs out of the room. When they are finished, Johnny’s mom tells the dad to talk to Johnny about what happened. The dad looks all over the house, but can’t find Johnmy,. Finally, he goes in the kitchen and sees Johnny raping the grandmother. The dad tells SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Johnny says, Don’t like it when it’s your mom, do you?
My Personal Favorite Little Johnny Joke One day in class the teacher brought a bag. Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plump and red. Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered An apple. The teacher replied, No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. Is it a peach? Billy asks. No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking, the teacher replies. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard. By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. A banana, she says. No, the teacher replies, it’s a squash, but I like your thinking. Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it’s got a head on it. Johnny! she cries. That’s disgusting! Nope, answers Johnny, it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!
My favourite little Johnny joke. NSFW Little Johnny was playing with his new train set when mum over hears him say all you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on hurry the fuck up She comes running from the kitchen and is aghast at the language. She tells him that the f-word and the b-word are not appropriate for him to say. For good measure Mum sends him to his room for two hours to think about how he will play next time. When he comes back down and starts playin again two hours later, mum hears him say those disembarking mind the step an have a nice day, those boarding enjoy your journey, and those who are upset at the two hour delay can lodge a complaint with the cunt in the kitchen
Gentleman’s way Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom? the teacher asked. Just a minute, I have to go pee, he said. The teacher replied, That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it? I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. The teacher responded, That’s better, but it’s still not very mannerly to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the table. And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners? I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.
Dirty Johnny’s mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner… Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt– Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner? She tells him, No, Johnny, we’re having meatloaf. Johnny says, Oh. Well, Grandma’s having shrimp! What do you mean Grandma’s having shrimp? So Johnny takes his mom’s hand, leads her into the living room– and there’s Grandma on the couch. She’s sleeping like a rock, lit cigarette in her mouth, and her bathrobe’s slumped off to the side to reveal her gnarled old lady clit Johnny points at it and goes, Look, see, it’s Grandma’s shrimp! Johnny’s mom, horrified, puts her face in her hands and says, No, Johhny, that’s not shrimp, that’s Grandma’s clitoris. Johnny says, Oh.. Well, it tasted like shrimp! WACKIDYYY-SHMACKIDY DOOOOOO (Courtesy of Jackie ‘The Joke Man’ Martling)
Johnny’s mother and the bullet. Johnnny’s mom was pregnant with twins, johnny and his Emma. While pregnant, she was robbed and shot twice in the stomach. The doctor said the babies would survive, but would piss out a bullet once they hit puberty. She gave birth, and some years later Emma came running to her mom saying, Mommy, mommy! I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet! So her mom told her what happened. A few days later, Johnny came running to his mother and said, Mommy mommy! Guess what happened? She asked, Did you piss out a bullet? Johnny said, No, mom. I was jacking off and I shot the dog.
Just another Johnny joke One day while Johnny’s dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, Dad what’s that hanging between your legs? Oh Johnny that’s my nerve and your’s will be this big one of these days , replies Johnny’s dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, Miss I really need to go to the bathroom. No, not yet there’s someone gone , says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, My Johnny you have some nerve! Johnny says, That’s nothing you should see my fathers.
Drinking too much Every night a guy would come home blitzed out of his mind and puke in the kitchen sink. His wife grew tired of this and always berated him, Johnny! One of these nights you are going to come home and puke your guts out!! He doesn’t listen so she decides to put a chicken’s worth of chicken guts in the sink to teach him a lesson. That night Johnny comes home and again pukes in the sink….. The next morning his wife says, You see it finally happened…. Johnny says, You were right dear but through the grace of God and your long handled spoon…..I got them all back in again
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