Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
What do you call to a dog with no legs ? NOTHING because dog isn’t going to come anyways 😛
Blind Date I went on a blind date once. It wasn’t a good time because the dog kept getting in the way.
Little Johnny and his mother were walking home from the grocery store when they… …looked into an alley and saw two dogs getting it on. Johnny asks his mother, Mom, what are they doing? His Mom, extremely flustered at this point, says, Uhhh, you see the dog on top, honey? He’s just sick so his friend at the bottom is carrying him around. Johnny remains silent, and continues to do so all the way home, while his mother is conflicted about her little Johnny’s innocence, so she finally turns and asks him, So, what did we learn today, dearie? Johnny replies, Don’t ever carry someone on your back or they’ll just stick it up your ass.
Apparently there’s this amazing new alternative to euthanizing terminally ill pets… …called Canine Testudine Cerebro Xenograft. The only side effect is that your pet will become a turtle and won’t remember any of his old tricks. I love you, Sir Scratchewan! Credit to How I Met Your Mother
A lady was showing her dog….. A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having the best dog in the show, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after the show and asked him why her dog wasn’t coming in first place. Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have the nicest dog in the show but it’s just not scoring well because of the hair between its toes. The lady was visibly upset. I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!? Well , the judge said, go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dogs toes. Wait a few minutes and you’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll will best in show, I guarantee it! The lady rushes straight to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every isle searching but she had no idea where to find it. The pharmacist saw her looking and went over to help. I’m looking for liquid hair remover. I can’t seem to find it. The pharmacist said, it’s over here on isle ten. I’ll show you. He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, Now, after you use this product, you can’t wear hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin. The lady looked at him funny and and said, Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer. He replied, Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week!
Going Hunting A Hunter goes into the kitchen and tells his wife that they’re both going hunting. She yells back I’M NOT GOING HUNTING, ITS RAINING OUT! The Hunter says If you don’t go hunting with me, you’re sucking my dick and I’m fucking you in the ass, its your choice, I’m going to get the dogs 15 minutes later he comes back and the wife says I’m NOT going hunting and you’re NOT fucking me in the ass but I will suck your dick . She starts and goes Bllllahhu, this tastes like shit and the hunter says Yeah, the Dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . . The man asks, Does your dog bite? and the other guy replies, No, not at all. So then the guy asks, Can I pet him? and the other guy says, Sure. As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite! which the other person replies, That isn’t my dog. Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
Three legged dog Did you hear about the three legged dog that walked into the bar looking for the man that shot his paw.
A years worth of jokes Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth. Oldest to Newest Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play? A.)He wanted to rock the joint Q.)Why didn’t the rancher let the cowboy near his horse? A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball? A.)They can duck Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave? A.)Because they have a lot of guts Q.)Why don’t cars have a problem with motivation? A.)Because they are driven Holiday bonus Q.)What is a Christmas gift’s biggest fear? A.)A tapeworm Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time? A.)Because he is short with everyone Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb? A.)If it isn’t very bright Holiday Bonus Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas? A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer) Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries? A.)Berried (buried) Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves? A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride) Christmas Eve Bonus Q.)Where does Santa put his money? A.)The snow bank Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late? A.)Because they are running behind Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer’s Glue? A.)I have to. I am stuck with it. Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions? A.)It brought him to tears Q.)Why was the farmer angry? A.)He had a cow Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed? A.)Because it is just the pits Q.)How much is a male deer worth? A.)A buck Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king? A.)He liked to throw his weight around Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT? A.)He wanted to have a blast Q.)Why were the butcher’s goods so cheap? A.)Because they were at cut rate prices Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden? A.)He needed some flower Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor’s office? A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes) Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask? A.)Burning questions Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious? A.)Because they are on pins and needles Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait? A.)Bookworms Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning? A.)Because he’s tired Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe? A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences? A.)Because he was in his blue period Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving? A.)Stay in touch Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him? A.)A crushing defeat Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read? A.)Suspense novels Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear? A.)A hoodie Current Events Bonus Q.)Why don’t some people like revolutions? A.)Because they are revolting Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life? A.)Because they are hollow inside Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into? A.)A brush with death Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot? A.)A dead ringer Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay? A.)Because he wanted a cash cow Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC? A.)In case it crashed Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table? A.)Because they often see saucers there Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute? A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found? A.)His patients had lost their minds Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet? A.)He felt it was too plane (plain) Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road? A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate? A.)So he would be heard Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles? A.)People were being driven mad Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear? A.) Because he was in ear shot Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous? A.)He was sweating bullets 36 IS bonus Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music? A.)In stereo Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive? A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets) Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife? A.)Armed and dangerous Nerd Bonus A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to? B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol) Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass? A.)Because her name was brandy Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates? A.)A think tank Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken? A.)Pole-land Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor’s office? A.)Because they always have head colds Q.)Why don’t car salesmen go driving? A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz) Q.)What is the Color Guard’s favorite month of the year? A.)March Q.)Why don’t ants make computers? A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems Q.)Why don’t Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations? A.)Because they don’t want to try to get blood from a stone Q.)Why aren’t lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo? A.)Because they’re never spotted Q.)Why don’t nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette? A.)Because nice guys finished last Military Bonus Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song? A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military) Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from? A.)Staff infections Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth? A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers? A.)Corny Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with? A.)Hay fever Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers? A.)Lesions (Legions) Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get? A.)Collaria (Cholera) Military Bonus Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker? A.)A hot wash Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives? A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people? A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters Nerd Bonus Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer? A.)Denim, denim, denim…..denim, denim, denim (say it quickly) Q.)Why don’t people with bananas go to food fights? A.)Because they’re yellow Q.)What is a mathematician’s favorite art form? A.)Paint by numbers Q.)Why don’t Texas Instruments make their products out of metal? A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso? A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth? A.)I fount it Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him? A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good. America Bonus Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? A.) Because Freedom rings Q.)Why shouldn’t people be upset about water spots? A.)Because it should just wash out Q.) Where might officers prefer to work? A.) In the office Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing? A.) A plasma screen Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese? A.)Take a gander Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly? A.)Because they are always taking flight Nerd joke Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use? A.) A smart phone Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring? A.)Because they are just plain (plane) Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware? A.)A fork-lift Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork? A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top? A.) Because they understand Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically? A.) Current events Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens? A.)They are all about graphite Bonus joke Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building? A.) A Labradoor Retriever Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles? A.)Because they like to peel out before they split Q.)Why can’t rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach? A.)Because the letters need a seal Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes’ favorite game to play? A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever? A.)Because they are always being cooped-up Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash? A.)A running gag Bonus joke Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave? A.) Because there is no morale (no more al) Q.)Why aren’t taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates? A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money? A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy Bonus joke Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist? A.)Because he struck a nerve Q.)Why don’t salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses? A.)Because that’s overtime Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire? A.)He wanted a camp fire Military Bonus Q.)What is a CDE analyst’s favorite dance? A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area) Q.)Why don’t the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes? A.)Because they are really square Q.)Why aren’t mustangs taken seriously? A.)Because they’re always horsing around Q.)Why don’t paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper? A.)Because then they would be on the grid Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait? A.)Because he wanted to be chums Q.)Why don’t tailors get along? A.)Because they are always sizing each other up Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times? A.)Because then you couldn’t have any knights Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat? A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor) Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution? A.)Because they are always asking for exact change Current Events Bonus Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling? A.)Because Ebola is deadly Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs? A.)Because they tell colored jokes Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches? A.)Because then it’s the pits Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters? A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars? A.)Because of all that horse power Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking? A.)Because they are always horse Holiday Bonus Q.)Why aren’t turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving? A.)Because they are usually stuffed Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height? A.)She told him to please hold Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers? A.)Because they think they’re uppity Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside? A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition Q.)What did the tourists say about the world’s largest glass house after it was broken? A.)It’s not all it’s cracked up to be Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything? A.)Antibiotics Q.)What was Strategic Air Command’s favorite part of Christmas? A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection… Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog, said the vet.
Doggy style A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty. Boy: Daddy, what are they doing? Dad: Oh…uh…they’re just making a puppy. Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed. Boy: Daddy, what are you and mommy doing? Dad: Oh…We’re just making a baby. Boy: Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy.
A Man Went Into A Supermarket… … got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout. The cashier asks the man, Sir, do you own a dog? The man replies, Yes I do. The cashier then asks, Do you have the dog with you? The man replies, No, I left it at home. The cashier then says, I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog. A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout. The same cashier asks, Sir, do you own a cat? The man replies, Yes I do. The cashier then asks, Do you have your cat with you? And the man replies, No, I left it at home. Then the cashier says, I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat. A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, It feels warm, soft, and gooey. The man then says, Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?
A rich man decides to visit Europe After a few weeks, he received a message from his butler simply saying, Your dog is dead. Upon his return, the rich man began to scold the butler for how poorly he had handled the situation. How should I have handled it sir? The butler asked. Well, you could have started with, your dog is on the roof. Then you could have sent another that said, your dog has fallen off the roof and is grievously wounded. Finally, you could have sent another that said, your dog has moved on to his eternal reward. A few years later, the man traveled to Asia. After a few weeks he received a letter from his butler saying, Your mother is on the roof.
Little Johnny Little Johnny sees two dogs in the park going at it. He tugs on his dad’s shirt and says, Daddy, daddy, what are those two dogs doing? Daddy quickly responds, Son, they are making puppies. Later that evening little Johnny sees his mom laying under his daddy. Johnny interrupts and says, Daddy, daddy what are you doing to mommy? Daddy says, Johnny – We are making babies . Johnny pauses and thinks, then says, Daddy, can you turn mommy over – I want a puppy .
2 old men and an old dog are sitting on a porch The dog is going to town cleaning his testicles. One old guy looks at the other and says, I’d give just about anything to be able to do that. The other old guy looks at him with a very worried look on his face and replies, that dog will BITE you.
Why is a dachshund a cowboy’s favorite dog? They’re always singing about getting a long little doggy .
What can you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him on a drag! What do you call said dog? Doesn’t matter… he’s not coming anyway.
My friend had a dog… My friend had a dog that could only bark below 100hz. It was a sub woofer
Little Johnny Little Johnny sees two dogs in the park going at it. He tugs on his dad’s shirt and says, Daddy, daddy, what are those two dogs doing? Daddy quickly responds, Son, they are making puppies. Later that evening little Johnny sees his mom laying under his daddy. Johnny interrupts and says, Daddy, daddy what are you doing to mommy? Daddy says, Johnny – We are making babies . Johnny pauses and thinks, then says, Daddy, can you turn mommy over – I want a puppy .
Dirty jokes 1. what do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor 2. why is there no black character in monopoly? Because he’ll always get sent to jail. 3. What comes after 69? Cock. 4. what’s the difference between an autistic boy and an ADHD boy? Nothing, RETARD! 5. What do you call a penis? Do you have a better name for the baby. 6. why did michael jackson die? because he saw his daughter die. 7. why did the pedophile drive slowly past the school? Because it said slow down. 8. Why is there no black card in uno? Because instead of shouting out UNO! they’re gonna shout out N***ER! 9. How do boobs get more views on youtube instead of XXX.com? PEDO ALERT! 10. Why didn’t the world end on 2012? Because there were more women then men. 11. Women suck! (oral sex joke) 12. Yo mommas so fat when she has sex, it’s like throwing a football down a well. 13. why are penises banned from tv? who knows whats going on behind the screen. 14. Why aren’t there women zombies? Because they dont have the rights to kill anyone 15. what does a baby look like after a minute in a microwave? I dont know i close my eyes while I ********** 16. whats the worst thing about being a pedophile? trying to fit in. 17. what’s the difference between your job and your wife? your job sucks. 18. how many cancer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the others to talk about how inspired they are. 19. what you call a bunch of dead ebola patients? who cares, they’re not american. 20. Why didn’t stevie wonder go to school? because he couldn’t see his math problem. 21. why are female dogs called bitches? Because they love to sleep with every male dog. 22. why did helen keller’s dog run away? because his name was fhgvjvjbbhhnvhvy. 23. a husband lets his wife go to a party to fundraise for a charity, 20 minutes later the husband comes to pick her up and the husband says how did you do? and the wife says I got $250 and the husband says what asshole gave you $250? and the wife said all of them! 24. how did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying.
The Edmonton Oilers 1. what do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor 2. why is there no black character in monopoly? Because he’ll always get sent to jail. 3. What comes after 69? Cock. 4. what’s the difference between an autistic boy and an ADHD boy? Nothing, RETARD! 5. What do you call a penis? Do you have a better name for the baby. 6. why did michael jackson die? because he saw his daughter die. 7. why did the pedophile drive slowly past the school? Because it said slow down. 8. Why is there no black card in uno? Because instead of shouting out UNO! they’re gonna shout out N***ER! 9. How do boobs get more views on youtube instead of XXX.com? PEDO ALERT! 10. Why didn’t the world end on 2012? Because there were more women then men. 11. Women suck! (oral sex joke) 12. Yo mommas so fat when she has sex, it’s like throwing a football down a well. 13. why are penises banned from tv? who knows whats going on behind the screen. 14. Why aren’t there women zombies? Because they dont have the rights to kill anyone 15. what does a baby look like after a minute in a microwave? I dont know i close my eyes while I ********** 16. whats the worst thing about being a pedophile? trying to fit in. 17. what’s the difference between your job and your wife? your job sucks. 18. how many cancer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the others to talk about how inspired they are. 19. what you call a bunch of dead ebola patients? who cares, they’re not american. 20. Why didn’t stevie wonder go to school? because he couldn’t see his math problem. 21. why are female dogs called bitches? Because they love to sleep with every male dog. 22. why did helen keller’s dog run away? because his name was fhgvjvjbbhhnvhvy. 23. a husband lets his wife go to a party to fundraise for a charity, 20 minutes later the husband comes to pick her up and the husband says how did you do? and the wife says I got $250 and the husband says what asshole gave you $250? and the wife said all of them! 24. how did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying.
PIGS A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her. Man: Where’d you get the pig ? Woman: How DARE you call my dog that! Man: I was talking to the dog!
It’s your Attitude; not Aptitude, that decides your ALTITUDE A first-grade teacher, Ms Janet ( Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, Little Johnny what is your problem? Little Johnny answered, I’m too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Janet had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal’s office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Janet he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: What is 3 x 3? Little Johnny: 9″. Principal: What is 6 x 6? Little Johnny: 36″. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Janet and tells her, I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade. Ms Janet says to the principal, I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ? The principal and Little Johnny both agree. Ms Janet asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny, after a moment Legs. Ms Janet: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Little Johnny: Pockets. Ms Janet: What does a dog do that a man steps into? Little Johnny: Pants Ms Janet: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Little Johnny: Coconut Ms Janet: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Little Johnny was taking charge. Little Johnny: Bubblegum Ms Janet: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer Little Johnny: Shake hands Ms Janet: Now I will ask some Who am I sort of questions, okay? Little Johnny: Yep. Ms Janet: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Little Johnny: Tent Ms Janet: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large swig of Cognac. Little Johnny: Wedding Ring Ms Janet: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Little Johnny: Nose Ms Janet: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Little Johnny: Arrow Ms Janet: What word starts with a F’ and ends in K’ that means lot of heat and excitement? Little Johnny: Firetruck Ms Janet: What word starts with a F’ and ends in K’ & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Little Johnny: Fork Ms Janet: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? Little Johnny: TALK Ms Janet: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married? Little Johnny: SURNAME Ms Janet: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Little Johnny: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, Send Johhny to Harvard University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
I slept with this bitch I picked up the other night. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great… but she was acting really clingy and didn’t want me to leave the next morning. I asked my buddy for some advice on how to deal her, and he said it’s only natural. I guess most rescue dogs have really bad separation anxiety.
I walked in and found my wife in bed with my best friend, I kicked them both out of the house. and he was the best dog I ever had
A father is driving his daughter to school one morning A father is driving his 7-year-old daughter to school one morning when they pass two dogs vigorously screwing on the side of the road. Father, a little flustered, explains – Isn’t that nice. The one in back must have injured it’s paws, so the one in front is giving him a ride home. Daughter replies, Ain’t that the way it always goes. Try to help a friend and you get butt fucked every time.
Airplane Three guys are in an airplane. The first takes a bite out of an orange, and throws it out the window. The second takes a bite out an apple and throws it out the window. the third takes a bite out of a grenade and throws it out the window. A cop walks around town, when he finds three girls a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette. The redhead is crying. What’s wrong ? asks the cop An orange fell from the sky and killed my cat! sobbed the girl. The Brunette is also crying What’s wrong? asks the cop. An apple fell from the sky and killed my dog! sobbed the girl. The blonde was laughing. What’s so funny? asks the cop. I farted and the building behind me exploded!
A polite penis stands up when a lady wants to sit down Three guys are in an airplane. The first takes a bite out of an orange, and throws it out the window. The second takes a bite out an apple and throws it out the window. the third takes a bite out of a grenade and throws it out the window. A cop walks around town, when he finds three girls a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette. The redhead is crying. What’s wrong ? asks the cop An orange fell from the sky and killed my cat! sobbed the girl. The Brunette is also crying What’s wrong? asks the cop. An apple fell from the sky and killed my dog! sobbed the girl. The blonde was laughing. What’s so funny? asks the cop. I farted and the building behind me exploded!
Why don’t male dogs date? They think all women are bitches. … Dogs are terrible people.
A trucker picks up a hitch hiker They get a few miles down the road and the hitch hiker notices a monkey sitting on the truckers’ head rest. Damn man! You got a pet monkey? Well, the trucker replied, it gets loney out here on the road. I needed some company. I don’t like dogs or cats. And monkeys are easy to train. So he does tricks? The trucker slaps the monkey in the back of the head and the monkey jumps in the truckers’ lap, pulls down his zipper and starts to pleasure him. The hitcher can barely watch, looking back and away, back and away. After a whole minute the monkey climbs back to his spot. That’s crazy man! Well, I told you it gets lonely out here. Wanna try it? The hitcher thinks hard and says, sure…..just don’t slap me in the head as hard, OK?
Three dogs and their owners are at the veterinarian’s office …waiting for their respective appointments. The vet goes into the waiting room and says to the dog owners, I bet I can tell you what each of you does for a living if you let me spend a few minutes with your dogs. The owners, intrigued by the prospect, agree. The vet takes the dogs into his exam room and returns only five minutes later. He says to the first dog owner, Are you an engineer? Yes I am! How did you know?!? Well, I gave your dog a few bones and he built a little building on the floor. All three owners were impressed as the veterinarian moved to the second dog owner. And you must be an accountant. The second owner was flabbergasted. I am, but how did you figure that out? Well I gave your dog a few bones and she arranged them neatly in lines in order from largest to smallest. The third owner sat smugly, sure the veterinarian wouldn’t be able to figure out her profession. And you ma’am, must be a restaurant server. The third dog owner was in complete shock, I never thought you’d figure that out. What did my dog do when you gave him the bones? Well he crushed the bones and snorted them up his nose. Then he went and humped the other two dogs and asked if he could go home early.
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. Feathers show number of sexual partners, the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, He continued, Him? One woman, one feather. Him ? pointing to a second, older man, Three women, three feathers. The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. But you have so many feathers! The Chief proudly slapped his chest. Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall. Horrified, the female reporter said, You ought to be hung! The Chief said, Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake. The offended reporter said, You don’t have to be hostile! The Chief replied, Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style! The reporter cried, Oh, dear! No deer , said the Chief. Ass too high, run too fast!
What Is An Doge? much wow such doge much grammar such hamburger so good
I don’t know why, but there were a lot of really disappointed convict’s in my first class of Gen. Chem… much wow such doge much grammar such hamburger so good
Poodle and Leopard A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle, Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?’ Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the leopard, ‘That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!’ Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. ‘Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
So I woke up this morning and went outside, and there was this German Shepard taking a shit on my lawn. So I grab a stick and chase him out of my garden. but the next day he’s back taking another shit on my lawn. At this point I’m pretty pissed off so I throw a rock at him. It hits him right in the head and he panics, jumps over my garden wall and runs away. I hoped he wouldn’t be back after that, but the next day there he was again, this time he even brought his dog with him.
A guy is sitting in a bar… And in walks a friend he hasn’t seen in a few weeks. Being curious as to where his buddy has been, he asks what’s been going on. His friend replies after that last bender we had I figured it was time to lay off the sauce for a while . The first guy asks what was so bad that you felt the need to cut back? Well, says the second guy, after we got hammered I went home and blew chunks. That’s nothing to be ashamed of says the first guy, we’ve all done it. The second guy gives a mournful shake of his head and says you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!
What did the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac do? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I’ve got to go pick up my dog… I’ve got to go pick up my dog. Why? His car in the shop? No he had his license revoked… What for? Unpaid barking tickets.
There was this mother with very little money… and she wanted to do something special for her three boys (6,9,15). She thought and thought about what she could do that would be a surprise but would not cost that much money. After some contemplation she thought of the perfect thing, bake a cake. She got what little cash she had, went to the store and bought the ingredients and came home. She immediately went to bake the cake but as she was mixing the batter she spilled bb’s from her oldest sons bb gun case into the batter. She was devastated but thought oh well, I cant afford to start this over and bakes the cake anyway. She gives the cake to the kids and they just love it. The next day, the 6 year old comes up to her and says, Mommy Mommy! When I went pee pee a BB came out! Mom was worried and didn’t understand how that happened but assured her son he would be okay. About an hour later the 9 year old came rushing to her, Mom Mom, when I went to pee a BB came out! Again, she said it was okay. 2 hours later the 15 year old comes up to her Mom! Mom! She stopped him, Yes I know, you went to pee and a BB came out. No, I was in the backyard playing with myself and I think I killed the dog!
Two guys playing poker. One guy not doing anything. Why? He was cardboard. and she wanted to do something special for her three boys (6,9,15). She thought and thought about what she could do that would be a surprise but would not cost that much money. After some contemplation she thought of the perfect thing, bake a cake. She got what little cash she had, went to the store and bought the ingredients and came home. She immediately went to bake the cake but as she was mixing the batter she spilled bb’s from her oldest sons bb gun case into the batter. She was devastated but thought oh well, I cant afford to start this over and bakes the cake anyway. She gives the cake to the kids and they just love it. The next day, the 6 year old comes up to her and says, Mommy Mommy! When I went pee pee a BB came out! Mom was worried and didn’t understand how that happened but assured her son he would be okay. About an hour later the 9 year old came rushing to her, Mom Mom, when I went to pee a BB came out! Again, she said it was okay. 2 hours later the 15 year old comes up to her Mom! Mom! She stopped him, Yes I know, you went to pee and a BB came out. No, I was in the backyard playing with myself and I think I killed the dog!
Bit of a long one. Alright, so yesterday I was driving home from work down the higway when I came upon a huge traffic jam. It was a 3 way highway and the weird thing was the left lane seemed open but the two right lanes were absolutely clogged. I figured there must be some roadwork ahead or something. Anyways after 10 minutes of going the painful speed of a turtle that’s slowdancing I still saw no pylon or any mention that the left lane was actually closed off… I decided fuck it, I’ll give it a try see how far I come. As I slowly started speeding up, it seemed totally free suprisingly. Quited stunned by the fact no-one was using this lane I just kept on driving for about a mile or 2 when I got at the origin of the trafic jam. There was a funural procession with about 10 funeral cars in front and a man with his dog leading the way. Not wanting to look like a complete asshole I slowed down and gave my condolences to the man. Quite puzzled by the huge line of people following the funeral procession I couldn’t contain my curiousity, I had to ask him. Who was the deceased? A famous person or something? Oh no, it’s just my mother in law he responded. Ah.. I’m sorry to hear that, my condolences again with your loss. No worries, I always hated the old hag Being the (morbidly) curious basterd I am, I had to ask; What had happened with his MIL? Well you see, that’s quite the story. To make sense of it, you have to know my dog has always been very sensitive about how I feel about people. And is quite overly protective. I nodded and he continued. The old hag always used to comment on our house not being clean enough, that her daughter could have done way better than me, that my carreer was going nowhere, yada yada, she could keep it up for hours So anyways, here was thanksgiving and somehow my wife still insists she eats with us, because her mother has no one else left. No wonder right? hah. I grinned, as he was pretty much describing my own MIL. He continued the story So, here we are on thanksgiving a few hours in, I drank quite heavily just to sustain my sanity during the continues snide remarks and bitching overall. And then she made that one remark. She said: Have you thought about getting your son checked out yet? He hardly speaks any words yet and he’s almost 2! He also looks a little retarded, it wouldn’t suprise me to be honest That one sent me over the edge man, I was ready to explode and oh boy did my dog sense it. Before I could react or anything he just jumped to her throath and bit it right open, nothing could be done. And alas, here we are. Jezus, I said, that’s quite the story indeed. Guess your dog is a really good boy, I joked. Haha, yea, I guess you can look at it from that way. hey uh…. I said pauzing a while overthinking it.. Is there any chance….? I could borrow your dog for a few days perhaps? Yeah mate, sure thing. The man responded, Just get behind in line.
I picked up this bitch off the street the other night. The sex was great, but unfortunately she turned out to be real clingy, and wouldn’t leave the next day. I asked my buddy Joe for some advice, he said I don’t know what to tell you, man. Most rescue dogs are known to have bad separation anxiety.
So there’s this pregnant woman and she goes into the doctors office whilst her husband is at work for her first scan after conception. The doctor after about 5 minutes of scratching his head says to the woman, Well by my beard you’re pregnant with triplets . The woman retorts and immediately gets out her phone to call her husband, the husband being as shocked as she was, responds with go to the bank and take out the biggest home loan you can, we are going to need a big house for this family . The wife agrees and waddles over to the bank, whilst withdrawing money a robber kicks down the door with a pump action shotgun and demands everyone to get on the floor. The woman, trying to carefully slide herself into a safe position onto the ground gets screamed at for being too slow and then shot in the stomach. She miraculously lives but has 3 pellet entries in her stomach and immediately rushes to the doctors to check whether her babies are alive and well. Once she is patched up and the bleeding has been stopped she gets told that the babies are all alive. What should i do with the pellets?, how do they come out?, am i going to need surgery? , the woman pleas with the doctor who in turn is lazy and tells her nah you’ll be right . 13 Years later, she has 2 daughters and 1 son. One day one of her daughters comes out of the bathroom and exclaims, Mommy what is this, (holding out the bullet) it came out of my mouth when i was brushing my teeth, what do i do? . The woman being petrified responds with the birds and the bees story and telling her that the pellet is in fact all part of puberty. The daughter shrugs and moves off, The second daughter comes out of the outhouse toilet and asks mommy mommy, you will never believe what i found, i was taking a piss and this plopped out! , the daughter holds up a piss soaked bullet and once again the mother explains it being part of having a period and what not. Finally her only son comes out of his bedroom with a guilty look on his face, Mommy mommy you will NEVER believe what just happened to me . The mother being sick to death of explaining about puberty says, let me guess, you farted and a bullet came out, or you sneezed or spat one out? . The boy looks puzzled then responds, Nah , i was wanking and i shot the Dog
A dog, a cat, and a penis. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent! . The cat says, I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter. The penis outraged, says At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!
Roses are gray, violets are gray, tulips are gray Im a dog.
A man walks into a bar with his dog. A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed. The man says, But this is a special dog — he talks! Yeah, right, says the bartender. Now get out of here before I throw you out. No, wait, says the man. I’ll prove it. He turns to the dog and asks, What do you normally find on top of a house? Roof! says the dog, wagging his tail. Listen, pal… says the bartender. Wait, says the man, I’ll ask another question. He turns to the dog again and asks, What’s the opposite of soft? Ruff! exclaims the dog. Quit wasting my time and get out of here, says the bartender. One more chance, pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived? Ruth! barked the dog. Okay, that’s it! says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street. Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?
Best 50 funniest jokes ever… 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Broccoli One day a grocery store clerk was packing some produce when a woman approached him, Woman: Excuse me sir, I can’t seem to find the broccoli. Could you point me in the right direction? Man: Sorry ma’am, we are out until tomorrow morning when the shipment arrives. Check back tomorrow. A few minutes later the man was stocking cereal and the same woman approached him with the same question. Woman: Sir, I cannot seem to find the broccoli, can you help me? Man: I’m sorry miss, as I said earlier, the broccoli will be in tomorrow. Please come back then. About ten minutes passed and the man is assisting deli when the woman approaches him yet again. Woman: Sir, I am sorry. I just can not seem to find the broccoli. Can you please assist me? It is quite obvious at this point that the man is irritated… Man: Miss, can you spell cat? Woman: Of course, C-A-T. Man: Can you spell dog as in dogma? Woman: Certainly. D-O-G. Man: Now can you spell broccoli with an F? Woman: No, there’s no F in broccoli? Man: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU. (Joke is from my grandfather)
