You Won’t Believe These Hilarious Airplane Jokes!

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide. A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman. She seductively invites the priest into her boat. Alas, young lady, for I cannot accept your charity. I have renounced the pleasures of the flesh. Besides, my God is kind, and He shall provide. Another few days passes, and the priest has become malnourished, dehydrated and sickly. Another boat happens by, this time being rowed by another Catholic man who is carrying a load of fruit, smoked meats, and fresh water. The man invites the priest into his boat to share his food and water, and escape the island. Alas, my brother, for I cannot accept your charity. As you know, our God is kind, and He shall yet provide. The priest quickly fades and dies soon therafter. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he laments his death to the almighty. Oh, God, how I devoted my life to spreading your word, yet you left me alone to starve and thirst to death on an island. I had faith you would provide, and you have forsaken me in spite of my faith! I must know why! God looks incredulously at the priest and replied, What do you want from me? I sent you three fucking boats! Stranded on a deserted island

A catholic school is on a plane and the pilot comes on the speaker and declares that all engines have failed and that they are going to crash. The priest quickly runs to the pilot and says is there anything we can do? . The pilot says there is nothing he can do but he has 2 parachutes for him and the priest. The priest asks what they are going to do with all the children? The pilot says fuck the children. The priest responds Is there time? A Catholic School is on a plane

A cop pulled me over once. Son, he said, you know it’s illegal to go 90 in a 35-mph zone. No question mark at all. Being guilty as hell, I naturally smart-assed the reply, How can you tell? You see, quantum mechanics tells us that you cannot determine both an object’s position and momentum at the same time. As since all the universe is in motion in the grand ballet of planetary motionsof which Earth is but one humble rockposition is a very tenuous thing. Also, logic following, if you could know my position, I wouldn’t therefore, have tangible, measurable momentum. Alas, officer, I continued, my position *might have been* the 35-mph zone, but if you could know that with certainty, you couldn’t know my momentum, my speed. I smiled then. Therefore, you must let me go. Some time later, I was making my one phone call: Hello, Mom. I’m in jail. [Science!] How a quantum physicist went to jail.

A couple of days before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you. That is not what it is there for, said the attendant. It is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye. Christmas Decoration

A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. The rangers say that two bears, a male and a female, have been mauling hikers for the past few weeks, and that the men should come back another time. After some discussion, the hikers decide that they came all this way to get up the mountain, and they were going to go, bears or no bears. The rangers decide to let them, but ask the hikers to radio in every six hours so they know they are safe. They take a radio, and off they go. After six hours, the rangers get a call in from the Russian saying that everything was fine, and that they were making good progress. Six hours later, another call comes in, this time it’s the Czechoslovakian. He tells the rangers that they decided to make camp early to enjoy the view, but that everything was fine. Six more hours later, nothing. The rangers figure that they must be fast asleep, tired from the long day, and decided to wait until the next call-in time before getting worried. Well, the next time rolls by, and no call. The rangers decide that something must have happened to the hikers, and send some men to find them. Using the hikers last call in time, the rangers get a general idea of where they could be, and begin the search. After a while, the rangers spot some movement on a nearby hill, and whip out their binoculars to get a better look. One ranger spots a female bear surrounded by what seemed to be scraps of clothing and gear. She was chewing on a tattered backpack that had a Russian flag on the side. After a long sigh, the ranger puts down his binoculars, looks at his partner, and says You know what that means, don’t you? No, what? That means the Czech’s in the male. Two men go for a hike. (Long)

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code So . after a week, the 1st daughter texted NESCAFE and the next week the 2nd daughter text WILLS the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label fantastic till the last drop went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read Extra long, king size she smiled and said not bad for their ages . After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted Indigo Delhi Hyderabad , the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins . Mother fainted First Experience after marriage

A direct flight from New York to San Francisco was getting ready for departure and loading the passengers when a stunning 20-something blonde boards the plane. She wordlessly bypasses the flight attendant waiting near the door and heads straight to first class. The flight attendant catches a glimpse of the ticket as she passes by and notices that it is in fact an economy ticket. Excuse me The flight attendant says. That’s an economy ticket, so I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to find your seat in the back. Our first class cabin is reserved for folks who have paid the first class fare in full. The blonde woman turns around and fires back I’m a young beautiful blonde. There are empty seats, no one sitting up here will be disappointed to have me nearby, so what are you gonna do about it? If the seat is empty, is this really worth the argument? The flight attendant is flabbergasted and can barely respond let alone stop the woman from taking a first class seat. Still, she knew that it would be wrong to let this woman sit with passengers who paid considerably more for the tickets. She decides to seek help from the cockpit, and explains the situation to the captain and the co-pilot. The co-pilot, upset by the nerve of the blonde volunteers to handle it, and goes back to the woman who was now enjoying champagne in her stolen seat and explains: Miss, that’s an economy ticket, so I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to find your seat in the back. Our first class cabin is reserved for folks who have paid the first class fare in full. The blonde gives the same response as she did to the flight attendant, and her nerve shakes the co-pilot. Dumbfounded, a little smitten by her beauty, and unable to respond, he returns to the captain and the flight attendant to report the situation. The captain, looks back at the woman and turns to the co-pilot and flight attendant saying, No worries guys. My wife’s a blonde, I can handle this. The flight attendant and co-pilot watch from the cockpit as the captain casually saunters up to the blonde, leans over and whispers something to her. The blonde looks stunned, collects her things, downs the champagne and scurries sheepishly back into the economy cabin. The captain cooly returns to the cockpit and takes his seat again. The co-pilot asks the captain: Sir, what did you say to convince her to go back? The captain chuckles and responds, It was easy. I just told her first class doesn’t go all the way to San Francisco. First Class Blonde

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, Father, may I ask a favor? Of course. What may I do for you? the priest replied. Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? the woman asked. I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie! The priest told her. With your honest face, Father, no one will question you, she said. When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs official asked, Father, do you have anything to declare? From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare, said the priest. The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father? I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused, answered the priest. Roaring with laughter, the official said, Go ahead, Father. Next! Father, may I ask a favor?

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live, and jumped out. The lawyer then said, I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live. He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace. The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack. A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest…

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a little boy are in an airplane when the engine goes out and the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only one parachute between them. Doctor says, We have to save the little boy! Lawyer says, What?!? Fuck the little boy! Priest says, Do you think we have time for that? Airplane crash

A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a young boy, and the pilot. The pilot comes on the intercom mid-flight screaming Mayday! Mayday! The plane is going to crash! Now listen up: there’s only four parachutes on this plane and five of us, so you guys decide who’s staying with the plane, but I’m jumping! And with that, the pilot grabs a parachute and leaves the doomed plane. The doctor comes before the other passengers of the plane and says As a doctor, I’ve used my medical skills to save hundreds of lives, and if I escape, I’ll be able to save hundreds more. The rest of the passengers satisfied with his response, they let the doctor grab a parachute and leave the plane. The lawyer, very disheveled, comes before the preacher and the boy and says As a lawyer, I’ve used my legal knowledge to crack hundreds of cases and I’m probably the smartest man in the world, so I deserve to live! Before the boy and the preacher can react, the lawyer grabs a pack and jumps. The preacher comes before the boy, getting on one knee and placing a hand on his shoulder. Son, he begins, as a preacher, I’ve lived a long and dutiful life in service to the Lord, and I have no doubt that when this plane crashes, I’ll be taking my place at my Father’s table. You have your entire life ahead of you, so you take the last parachute and go. Unfazed, the kid hands the preacher a parachute and says Don’t worry, take this one: the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack! — Since I want to be a lawyer, I’ve heard my fair share of lawyer jokes. I heard this one today from my State and Local Gov. teacher, and I think it’s my new favorite! There’s five people on a plane…

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) …. Sorry if that was a little con descending. A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

A English businessman was rushing through an airport when all of a sudden, he bumps into a tiny Asian women. She immediately says, I’m sorry! In a hurry, the businessman says, I’m sorry too. She responds with, I’m sorry three! Confused, the businessman stops and says, What are you sorry for? She yells, I’m sorry five!!! A English businessman was rushing through an airport when

A European couple decided to have a baby. So they stopped using condoms, started a special diet, and followed all recommendations to successfully conceive. They did this for about two years but with no luck. They went to all the best doctors in Europe, but none of them could figure out why the couple wouldn’t conceive. At last, the coupleread in a newspaper that there is a shaman in Siberia who can cure every ailment imaginable to mankind. So they bought a plane ticket to Moscow, and then spent a week by train, by car, and then on dogsled to get to the remote Siberian village where the shaman lived. When they got there they told the shaman their story. The shaman listened to them and said, Guys, have your lost your fucking mind? A European couple decided to have a baby

A extremely rich man, has a son. On the son’s sixteenth birthday the father planned an extravaganza hiring rare and expensive wonders. Thousands of guest where to attend. To make his son’s birthday perfect he asked his son what he wanted to make his birthday the best ever willing to buy the anything in the world. The son thought about this for along time and eventually told the father. I want one Pink Ping Pong ball. The father was confused but he agreed. The day of the party was a event to remember the Blue Angels painted the sky and Indian mini elephants brought in a gilded chocolate cake. After the concert with too many high profile stars to name it was time to open the presents. Along with the slew of high end clothing and private islands there was a small box for the boys father. Inside was a Pink Ping Pong ball. The young man was ecstatic thanked his father profusely and scampered up to his room. He was in there about two hours before he came out and the Father never saw the Pink Ping Pong ball again. A year passed and the Father was ready to throw his son another birthday party. Again he wanted this to be the best party the world and his son had where seen. I mean 17 is an important age. So the father pulled out all the stop. And to make sure the party was perfect the father again asked his son about what he wanted as a present. And the son thought about it for a few minutes and said he wanted a whole crate of Pink Ping Pong balls. Now the father was confused and asked if the son if he was sure. The son thought for a couple more minutes and nodded. The day of the party the father had hired hundred’s of A list celebrities to attend the party. He reconstructed the backyard of his mansion estate to accommodate a gilded marble statue of his son. The first truly sentient robot brought a cake made of edable diamonds. And every person in attendance got a gold plated iPhone 9 in their gift bags, complete with hologram features. Now it was time for the presents admist a real alein pet and a autographed copy of every president’s portrait. Their was a large box from the boys father he opened it and inside was a large crate full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic thank his father and rushed to his bedroom. The father never saw the crate or any of the Pink Ping Pong balls again. Another year passed and the father was trying to plan another party for his beloved son. Again he wanted the son to have everything and was prepared to spend billions to accommodate his sons any wish so he asked what the son wanted. Without even a pause the son said he wanted a whole truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father had put up with a few years of wondering and had to ask what the son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls. The son looked at the father for a few seconds the responded. Don’t worry I will tell you in due time. Albeit very curious about the Pink Ping Pong balls the father respect his son and stopped asking. The day of the party the they where all transported to the surface of Mars and met the real Martians. The daughters of the king of Mars offered themselves to the son in sexual ways. I mean he is 18 now. After he had his way with them they filleted themselves and presented eachother to be eaten by the son. After the meal which tasted rather like a good smoked venison stake, they returned home it was time to open the presents. the frozen head of Walt Disney and a true recreation of Lola bunny for future sexual release set aside as the father showed the son the semi truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic about this wonderful gift far more then another thing he had received. The boy when into the the back of the truck and closed the door. When he left out from the back of the truck five hours later the truck was completely empty not a Pink Ping Pong ball in site. Another year passes and the father knew he needed to out do himself. The father again asked the son what he wanted hesitant of the answer. Immediately the son responded with how he wanted a whole warehouse full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father knew he had to find out what his son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls but still didn’t want to invade his son’s privacy. So he hatches a plan. The day of the party they enter a sub and went to the Lost City of the Mirmaids. And met this queen of the city. The queen slept with the son then offered her daughter as food for the feast. The son saw the daughters beauty and rejected her offer to eat her and subsequently had sex with the princess. Still a hunger the son asked the queen if she wouldn’t replace her daughter as the main course and the queen reluctantly agreed. A nice white fish mixed with a succulent stake, both the son and the Princess enjoyed the meal. And the son promised to keep in contact. The father brought them back to the surface. As it was time to open the gifts. After opening his platinum Suit of armor and a working lightsaber. The father led the son to a car that would drive the son to the Son to the warehouse. The driver was instructed by the father to ask about what the son was doing in the warehouse and with the Pink Ping Pong balls. As they drove the driver asked questions artfully. But alas the son skillfully doged the questions and the driver was left without an answer. They pulled up to the ware house and the son got out. He instructed the driver not to enter the warehouse and to return in the morning. Out from the window the driver saw that the warehouse was in fact full to the brim with Pink Ping Pong balls. In the morning the driver returned to see that the warehouse house was in fact empty. Later the father hired people to scoure the residence. But not a single Pink Ping Pong ball was to be found. Now the father was so curious that he had to find out be damned his sons privacy so he planed to set up cameras and do whatever it took to find out next year. But about a month before his birthday the son was in a terrible accident and was put on life support. The father stayed by his son every day and eventually the son did indeed wake up. The father distraught over his sons predicament told him that he would get the son anything anything he wanted. The son through his emense pain managed to ask Father… dear Father can… You please… Get me… One Pink Ping Pong ball. The father blindsided by his sons request blurts out damn it what do you do with those damn Pink Ping Pong balls? The son repostions himself because of the pain before responding I will tell you after you bring me the Pink Ping Pong ball The father calls up the man that had gotten the other Pink Ping Pong balls and requested one more. If nothing else he would finally know about the Pink Ping Pong balls. The father contact brings the last Pink Ping Pong ball and the father sets it in front of the son. Now tell me… What… What is it that you do with those Pink Ping Pong balls? Well… I…. Use the…. Pink… Ping… Pong…… Ballls…. For…….. and the son dies from his injuries. Note: I typed this on my phone sorry for any errors Edit: formatting Pink Ping Pong Ball

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened. Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the police men asked with shock; are you sure they were all dead ? Farmer: Some of them were screaming, we are still alive . But I couldn’t believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie. A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm

A father and his young son are watching a programme on tigers on Animal Planet when they start showing two tigers mating. Son: ‘Hey dad, what are they doing?’ The father mumbles: ‘Er, they’re… playing’. ‘Oh thank god,’ says the son. ‘I thought they were fucking’. Tiger mating

A father and son are talking after the son has been away for a long time in the Air Force. The son recounts his tale as the father listens intently: I was so excited to join the Air Force. I’m sure you remember, Dad, the son says. Yup, the father says, remembering. But when I got there, there was always one thing that I had trouble with: parachuting. It just freaked me out. And we had to do drills where we practiced over and over. Uh huh, the dad says, cajoling his son to go on. We wouldn’t actually jump out of the plane during the practice session, but we did them to get ready for the real thing. So for months, I’m practicing with my squad mates and I think I’m finally ready for actually parachuting out of the plane. Then, near the end of our training, we had to. We had to actually jump out of a plane to complete our training! Really! the father says, excitedly. Yeah, but I’m getting cold feet, you know? The rest of my group does it, no problem. The drill sergeant is telling them to jump off, and they’re all relying on their training. To them it’s no big deal. But I just couldn’t get over jumping out of a plane thousands of feet above the ground. At long last, it’s just me and the sergeant. He asks what’s wrong and I say I’m afraid to jump. By this point, with everyone gone and with all the months of training, he’s really agitated. So he says to me, ‘Look, if you don’t jump off of this plane, I’m going to stick my DICK up your ASS!’ The son pauses. Well, did you jump? the father asks. Yeah, a little at first, the son responds. A Talk With Dad

A favorite author of mine told this joke last night at a signing. He’s from Sarajevo. There are a lot of Suljo & Mujo jokes in Eastern Europe: Suljo & Mujo were life-long friends in Bosnia, but one day Suljo decided to move to the US. After a couple years apart, Mujo decided to visit his friend in the States. Suljo picked Mujo up from the airport in a stretched Cadilac, top of the line. He tells Mujo This car, Mujo, this is MY car. Wow, this is a beautiful car. Great job, my friend. Driving the main strip downtown, Sujlo points to a high-rise building and tells Mujo See that building? That’s MY building. Mujo is impressed. Such a great building! he says. After some driving, they arrive at a sizable and luxurious mansion. Suljo turns to Mujo and says See that house? That’s MY house. Wow! says Mujo. You must be doing very well. They park and get out of the car. When Suljo and Mujo step around to the side of the house, they get a view of the back yard. Suljo points to the olympic-sized swimming pool in the back and says to Mujo That pool over there… MY pool. Amazing! says Mujo, Look how big it is! Then Suljo points to a woman who is seated next to the pool. The woman is receiving a back massage. Suljo says to Mujo Do you see that beautiful woman sitting next to my pool? That dreamboat of a woman is my wife. To which, Mujo replies But, Suljo, who is the man over there rubbing your wife’s shoulders? Oh, that man, says Suljo, That’s me. Suljo & Mujo anyone?

A female passanger jumps up and frantically announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks. Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says. Here, iron this! . An areoplane is about to crash,

A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He’s injured, so they have to amputate his leg. Hey, next time you guys are bombing England, can you drop it over my base? So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he’s denied. Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore! Why not? Because ve zink you are trying to escape! A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII…

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. Oscar, what happened to you? asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off, wheezed Oscar. Let me give you a tip, ol’ pal, said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it? So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar — looking more chilled and miserable than before. Oscar! What has happened to you now? asked the flea. Listen, said Oscar, I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off. And so? asked the first flea. And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again! PS : I don’t take credit for the joke, I just happened to read it somewhere. A Tale of Two Fleas

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’ Best Smart Ass #1

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement, Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we’ll have an update in 15 minutes. Obviously everyone is freaking out. 15 minutes go by. Captain makes another announcement. Ok seems as though one of our engines has failed. We are going to make a landing at the nearest airstrip. We’ll give you another update in 15 minutes. People are still freaking out. Another 15 minutes go by. Captain makes his announcement. It seems as though the second engine has failed and we’re losing altitude quickly. We will be throwing out the luggage to lighten our load. Hopefully this helps our situation. Utter pandaemonium in the cabin. The captain’s voice hushes the people. It seems as though we are still quickly losing altitude. We do have emergency parachutes, but only enough for a certain amount of passengers. Now to be fair, we will call upon passengers alphabetically. If your group is not called, then you will receive a parachute. Sound good? The passengers begrudgingly agree. Now, A, will all the Africans please raise your hand. No one moves a muscle. Ok… B, will all the blacks please raise your hand. Again, no one moves. Fine, C, will all the Coloreds raise your hand. Still, no body raises their hands. A young boy, confused, looks around, and nudges his dad. Dad, dad, aren’t we all of those? Shhhh, son, quiet, we are Zulu. On a plane ride to South Africa.

A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it’s engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn’t be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash. A woman stood up, and said I’m not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die? There was a long silence, then a man stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, threw it towards her, and said Here, Iron this . A Real Woman

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’ She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’ To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch. EDiT : Changed narration from 1st Person to 3rd. The Gay Flight Attendant

A flightoplankton. What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test. You will be put in an airtight vault for three minutes, says the alien. It’s 3x3x3 meters and completely empty. You’ll be given two balls made of a superstrong titanium alloy and no tools. Do something in the vault that will convince us that you’re more interesting to us alive than dead, because if you fail to demonstrate your intelligence, we’ll dissect you. First goes the German engineer. After five minutes, the scientist alien walks into the cockpit with a disappointed look on his face. So we open the vault and he has managed to balance one ball on top of the other, reports the alien to the captain. I ask him how, exactly, is this supposed to convince us that humans are an advanced species. Apparently knowledge of basic physics and manual dexterity are good enough for a human. Meh. We’re dissecting him as we speak, bring in the next one. They put the guru in, five minutes pass and the scientist alien walks into the cockpit even more disappointed. So we open the vault and he’s sitting there in a lotus position, the two balls floating in the air around him. He even gives me the Are you impressed? -look, can you believe that? Apparently, lifting heavy titanium balls is impressive for the human mind. So yeah, they struggle with basic levitation; we’re dissecting this one as well. Send in the last one. The Bulgarian is put in the vault, the vault is sealed. Five minutes pass and the scientist alien bursts into the cockpit, flailing his arms and shouting excitedly at the captain and crew. Guys, you need to see this! Come, leave the saucer on autopilot and come! I swear, I have not seen such a thing in my entire career! Calm down, what has he done? asks the captain. It’s unbelievable, continues the scientist, in three minutes inside the vault he has managed to lose one of the balls and break the other. *** EDIT: Hey guys, I’m going to bed now, but I’m troubled by the I don’t get it -comments. The sub doesn’t let me comment with a shitty joke explanation for whatever reason, so I’ll put it here: The Bulgarian manages to leave the **cockpit unmanned**, thus giving the forces of Earth a **significant tactical advantage** over the aliens. The latter are fooled because they have failed to **discover the anal cavity** despite the previous two **dissections**. So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A football team was travelling on a plane to South America to attend to an important game. In mid flight, the captain notices that the airplane starts shaking a lot; so he calls the hostess to the cockpit and asks her: – What’s going on back there?! – It’s the team, captain; they’re playing… – Well then make them stop! It’s really dangerous to do such a thing in an airplane! The hostess leaves, and 5 minutes later, the plane stopped shaking. The captain calls her to the cockpit again, and asks: – How did you make them stop so quickly? -Simple. I told them to go play outside. The Football Team

A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane. The Frenchman says to the stewardess I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window! Of course she doesn’t believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone We are flying over Paris Amused the stewardess asks how could you know that? , well says the Frenchman I just touched the Eiffel tower Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says see here, I knew it, we’re actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says let me see if I can tell where we really are he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli … the stewardess leans in and asks How do you know we’re flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window the Indian man replies My watch is gone I met a man from India and he gave me this one

A fucking pilot you racist! (not sure if repost) What do you call a black man that drives an airplane?

A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia, sending the results to all the company’s affiliates and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other’s hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying nice to -meat- ya! The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death. The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one’s genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge? Making an obscene clone fall. Bad Genes..

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle. Time passes and the priest says, Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in ‘u-n-t’? The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’ The priest replies, Oh, you’re right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser? Priest does a crossword puzzle

A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: ‘Occupation?”. The german responds: ‘No, just holiday” A german tourist.

A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say don’t kill us and the amazonians say We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want. They ask the german what he wants. He says I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat’em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot. So they fill the cave up with sausages. They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says I want women. I want women everywhere. I don’t what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women. So they fill the cave up with women. They ask the greek guy. He says I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years. So they fill the cave up with cigarettes. 10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german’s cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door. They open the frenchman’s cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman humping away at another woman in bed. they open the greek guy’s cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says A lighter………..give me a lighter! A german, a frenchman, and a greek crash in the amazon

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, So, where yall from? The Wisconsin girl said, From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, So, where yall from, bitch? Correct Grammar

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, So, where ya’ll from? The Northern girl said, From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, So, where ya’ll from, bitch? A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak ‘ribbit 9 iron’. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said ‘you must be my lucky charm’. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life. Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said ‘you must be my lucky charm’. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said ‘ribbit Vegas’. On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite. Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said ‘I don’t know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I’ve ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?’ The frog looked the man in the eyes and said ‘Ribbit, kiss me’. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, naked…14 year old girl. …and I swear, your honor, that’s exactly how she ended up in my room! the golf course frog

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above. At the first mention of `fokkers’ the class giggled a little bit. Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle . At this second and third mention of `fokkers’ the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain to the class that a ‘fokker’ was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force. He replied, Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts . WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son’s school class

A group of aliens land on the planet with the intent of studying the planet for scientific purposes. The humans agree to their wishes and allow them to do what they want as long as they don’t do any harm or damage. So the aliens create a research site and begin what they came to do. First they inspect the air. They realize that the air of the planet not clean enough and is full of viruses. The humans tell them that it is due to a large population and their immune systems safeguard them. Then they check the city water and find out that it is contaminated and not suitable for drinking. This lowers their opinion of the human world. Soon after the humans find out that the aliens have left without informing them and find a note where they were stationed. It reads: We have found out that an abnormality is being seen in increasing numbers in the local human populations. We have left for we are afraid of this planet and will never come back. The humans have only one thing to say to themselves, Maybe we shouldn’t have let them stay in Rio. An team of aliens comes to Earth to study the planet.

A group of friends are meeting up for their monthly round of golf when Jim shows up. Paul says Hey Jim . Jim says Don’t call me Jim anymore you have to call me Lucky, you know that plane crash the other day 200 people died well you’re looking at 201 Next month at the golf game everyone shouts Hey Lucky! when Jim arrives Guys you have to call me Lucky Lucky now, you know that bus crash 39 people died well you’re looking at lucky number 40 . The following month they once again meet up for golf when everyone sees Jim they shout Hey Lucky Lucky Sorry guys you have to call me Lucky Lucky Lucky, I was fucking this guys wife and he came in and shot me in the ass! How is that lucky? Because 30 seconds sooner and he would have shot me in the back of the head Call me lucky

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door. I wanna see Natalie The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn’t have a lot of money. Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour No problem, I have money Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her Natalie? Yes? I want to spend a little time with you She smirks at the man’s appearance It will cost you $1,000 The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back I wanna see Natalie Well it’s still $1,000 O.K., I have the money He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves. So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he’s dressing and says You know it’s the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from? I am from Michigan Natalie sits up. Really? I have a sister in Michigan The guy grins and replies I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you Natalie

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. You talk? he asks. Yep, the Lab replies. So, what’s your story? The Lab looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired and I post jokes on Reddit. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars, the guy says. Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff An incredible dog

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. You talk? he asks. Yep, the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says So, what’s your story? The Lab looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars, the guy says. Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?? Because the dog’s a damn liar. He never did any of that shit. Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. You talk? he says. Yep the dog replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says So, what’s your story? The Lab looks up and says, Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars. the guy says. Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit. The Talking Dog

A guy learned how to make coffee. Every few weeks, he took a plane to Brazil and made a pilgrimage to the mountains to pick coffee beans with his bare hands, grind them with mortar and pestle, and take them home to make by boiling water manually and pouring it through a strainer. One day, while in Brazil to get his biweekly coffee beans, he decides that this ordeal is so tiring that he may as well go to the zoo to blow off some steam. While there, he met an otter. He spoke to the otter, and complained about how hard it was to make coffee, and the otter shook his head. You don’t need a plane ride every few weeks, and you don’t have to do it yourself. You can get coffee beans from the store at home. The otter explained. The man was amazed and returned home and lived life well, a significant and difficult portion of his life made much easier. A few weeks later one of his friends spoke to him. I can’t take it anymore. I hate flying to Brazil and paying for airfare, and I hate the backbreaking work it takes to pick the coffee beans. The man shook his head knowingly. No, no, no. He said brightly, It doesn’t have to be that hard. Really? Yeah. I know an otter way. Zoo

A guy notices a new bar at the top of a tall building. Looking for a new place, he goes in. He sits next to a very drunk guy at the bar who turns to him immediately. This place has a magic drink, do you know about it? The man responds no, but looks intrigued. The drunk man orders a drink, downs it, and jumps out of the window and flies around the building one time before returning and sitting down. Wow, the man exclaims, Can you do it again? Again, the drunk man downs another drink, and repeats the feat of flying around the building. After 4 or 5 flights, the man decided that he wants to try this magic drink and fly too. He orders a drink, downs it and jumps out the window, falling to his death. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, You know, you can be a real dick when you are drunk, Superman. The magic drink

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing! The guy he’s sitting next to says, Hey buddy. I’m right there with you. This morning I’m sitting at breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, could you please pass the cream’, I say, ‘You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.’ Freudian Slip…

a guy walks in to abar and he goes, he goes hey thats not airplane food, how about that weather? legendary joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. There is no one else in the bar besides the bartender and this guy. Things are slow so the bartender says to the guy Hey you want to see something cool? The guy says sure. So they both hop into the bartenders car and start driving. They drive for 30 min before they drive up to a gate. The bartender gets out and opens the gate, gets back in and drives through, and then gets out and closes the gate. Now they are at a river. They ditch the car and get into a little paddle boat and paddle across the river. At the end is a gate. The bartender walks up opens the gate, they walk through and then he closes the gate. Now they are at a 2nd river, which is twice as large as the first river. The paddle boat across. Get to another gate and the bartender opens it, they go through, and then he closes it. Now they are at a mountain. They promptly hike over the mountain quick and come up to a gate. Bartender opens, they go through, he closes. Now they are at a 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. They hike over this one now as well. Then they come up to another gate. The bartender opens said gate, they walk through, he closes said gate. Finally, they have arrived at a cave. The bartender cups his hands around his mouth and yells Here little green man, little green man! All of a sudden this tiny little green man comes bee-bopping up. The guy is amazed at this phenomenon and decides he wants to touch the little green man. Just as he is reaching out the bartender pulls him back exclaiming You must never touch this little green man! The man obliges and they leave the cave. So they come up to a gate, the bartender opens it, they go through, he closes it. They hike over the 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Come up to a gate, opens, walks through, closes. They hike over the first mountain. Come to the gate, open it, walk through, close it. Now they paddle boat across the 2nd river twice as large as the first river. Come to the gate. Open, walks through, closes. They paddle boat across the first river. Open gate, walk through, close gate. Drive back to the bar. So now the guy is sitting there just thinking over and over wow I could really make some money off of this little green man. So he gets in his own car this time and drives himself to the first gate. He opens it, drives through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the 2nd river which is twice as big as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens, goes through, closes. Now he is hiking over the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. Then he hikes over the 2nd mountain that is twice as tall as the first mountain. Opens the gate, walks through, closes it. He walks up to the cave and yells Here little green man, little green man! and sure enough the little green man comes bee-bopping out. The guy thinks to himself this is awesome! He reaches down to pick the little green man up and as soon as he touches him the little green man starts going berserk! The man is startled and takes off running away from the little green man. He runs to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and starts just sprinting over the 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man chasing behind the entire way. So now the man runs over the first mountain. Opens the gate, runs through, closes it. Little green man still going stride for stride. So he gets in the paddle boat and furiously rows across the 2nd river twice as large as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man swimming right along after him. So the guy paddles across the first river gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and then he jumps in his car and starts driving. The little green man all along the way is very visible in the mans rear view mirror. The man starts to panic so he drives to the airport. He runs up to the front desk and says give me a ticket to the furthest place possible! The lady at the front desk says well that would be New Zealand. So she gives him a ticket and he boards and the plane takes off. All the time the man is in the plane he can see a tiny tiny green dot on the ground. After 16 hours the plane finally lands and the man steps off. At this point the little green man comes limping up to him. He is tired, hurt, and exhausted. The man thinks OK I’m out of options I should finally give this little green man a chance to explain himself. So the man stands there while the little green man limps up to him, touches his leg and yells TAG YOUR’E IT! Little Green Man

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, I’d like a Line Service Monkey, please. The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, That’ll be $1,000. The engineer paid and left with the monkey. Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much? The shopkeeper answered, Ah—–that was a Line Service Monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He’s well worth the money. With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. That one’s even more expensive! What can it do? he asked. Oh, that one is a Maintenance Supervisor Monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed, replied the shopkeeper. The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that, the customer said, $50,000!!!! Holy shit, what does this one do? Well , the shopkeeper said, I’ve never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his penis, but his papers say… he’s a pilot! HIGHLY TRAINED MONKEYS

A guy was going on a vacation to France. He was aware of that most french people don’t speak english so he ordered a french lesson for one day to learn the necessities when going to a new country. The day for the lesson came, but when he arrived at the school, it seemed quite empty. He went in saw a guy sitting behind a counter. Hi, I came for the french lesson today our guy said. Oh, I’m sorry. The French teacher is ill and will be home for a week. So there is no one that know any french here? No I’m sorry. But I have a little note I can give you. Just show it when you order something, or don’t know what to say, and it should work out fine Uhm ok. What does it say? I’m sorry, I don’t know, really. The french teacher just told me to give it to people while he was gone. Our guy thought that was fair enough. He didn’t have time to order a new lesson anyway. The day for the journey came. With a packed bag he went to the airport and flew all the way to France. He arrived in France in the evening and went out to grab a cab. A cab arrived and after greeting the French cab driver he figured he could use the note and see if the driver would understand what it said. He showed the note. The driver looked at the note, then at our guy, then at the note, and back at the guy, before he cursed in french and drove off. Well that’s weird. Maybe the note isn’t ment for cab drivers he thought and walked until he found a bus. He went on the bus and thought he’d give the note another try. The bus driver looked at the note and went red in an instant. He commanded our guy off the bus, and drove away. This annoyed our guy a little. He waited for another bus and did not show the note this time. He said the name of his hotel, the bus driver nodded, he paid and sat down next to a lady. She asked him in french if he was american and he said yes. She seemed to understand a little english, so he thought she could translate the note. He asked if she could and she nodded. He pulled out the note and showed it to her. She read it and quickly shoved it away from her in anger, and she called for the bus driver. Our guy understood what they wanted and stood the rest of the ride in frustration. He finally arrived at his hotel tired of being yelled at and ready to sleep. At the receptions desk he told his name, they wrote something down and asked him for ID. When finding his ID the note accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the counter. The receptionist read it and as he expected, got really mad. Another guy that worked there came and they talked for a while, before accepting that our guy could sleep there, but they weren’t happy about it. That’s it. I’ve had enough of this, tomorrow I’m going back home! our guy thought, and so he did. Luckily this was easier. He did not show the note to anyone and mimed his way back to America. He stayed home for a week before deciding to go back to the french school, now that the teacher was back, and find out what the note said. At the school he met the teacher and asked quite annoyed what the note said. Let me see the teacher said putting on his glasses. Our guy handed him the note. At this time two windows were open. A gust of wind blew the note out of their hands and out one of the windows, and they never found it. Neither did our guy find out what the note said… Not even I know… Sorry The french note

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, What would you like to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the guy. How about nuclear power? OK, she said. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? The guy thought about it and said, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the girl replied, Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know s**t? Lets talk.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, What would you like to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the guy. How about nuclear power? OK, she said. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? The guy thought about it and said, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the girl replied, Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit? Let’s discuss nuclear power

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours? Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one. First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch! Not my joke, but heard it awhile back and just remembered Two men with black eyes sit down together on a plane. Funny ending, slightly NSFW joke about women

A guy’s being picked up at the airport and is waiting for his reserved cab, #21, to pick him up. Another taxi driver is also waiting at the pickup area for his fares. The guy walks up and asks him Hey, I’ve been waiting here #21 to pick me up for a while, is he stuck in traffic? #21? No-Hands-Nelson!? He’s a terrible driver! Especially what with the no hands thing. The guy takes a little offense to this. Sir, I’ll have you know I’m not prejudiced to people with disabilities, in fact I think I have fuller confidence in his commitment to his profession than I do in yours! In fact, just to spite you I’ll pay him double tip! Good day to you! A few minutes later #21 finally arrives and the guy climbs into the car, in his head preparing to tip generously. As they’re pulling onto the highway he notices No-Hands-Nelson indeed has hands, both of them, in fact. He knocks on the glass curious if he’d climbed into the wrong cab. Are you Nelson? Yes. So… are those prosthetic hands? No? Well, that’s strange, why do the other drivers call you No-Hands-Nelson? I’ll show you when we get up to about 55. No-Hands-Nelson

A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ?! exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow! A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. Every two years? he shouted. We’re still waiting for his second coming! Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate? suggested the alien. Chocolate? replied the Pope. What in heaven’s name does chocolate have to do with it? Well, said the alien. When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do? The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter’s square in Rome…

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how did the sign help determine their position. The pilot responded Well the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless, so I knew that had to be the Microsoft building. Variation of the hot air balloon joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle…

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer. HELISOFT

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply. Lost Helicopter

A Hercules plane has a motor go kapputt while in flight. The soldiers inside start throwing equipment off the plane to keep it lighter and help it fly better until it can land, but after they toss almost everything, the general says: * General: We need to throw someone out of the plane! * Soldier 1: Let’s throw Jamal! * Jamal : WTF is it because I’m black? * G: Don’t be racist, asshole! We’ll think up a small contest. If you get the questions right, you stay. Okay, you, what country dropped the first nuclear bomb? * S1: Easy, the US of A! * G: Mighty fine, soldier! Now you, where was it dropped? * S2: Uuuh… Hiroshima! * G: Great! Now, you, how many survivors were after the bombing? * S3: Hmm… Ugh, it was… 183,519! * G: Bloody hell, soldier, you’re privileged! Okay, Jamal… Give me the names of all of the survivors! [slight racism] So a Hercules plane is failing while carrying a small squad…

A hunter decides he wants to hunt a polar bear in the northern tundra. He hires a plane and a guide to take him out in to the ice fields. He asks the guide if he has any advice on how to catch a polar bear. It’s quite simple, the guide responds. First you take your shovel and dig a large hole in to the ice. Then take this can of peas and sprinkle them around the hole. Confused, the hunter asks, How on earth is that going to help me catch a polar bear? The guide smiles, When the bear bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole! Hunting Polar Bears

A husband and wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary at home on their farm in the middle of nowhere. They were a happy couple, enjoying each other’s company when suddenly a bright light flooded their bedroom. The winds picked up and howled, rattling the windows. A low, resonant hum echoed in their bones. M-Mitch, the wife stammered, pulling the covers around her. Why don’t you go on and see what all the commotion is? Alright, Elle-May, he replied, rising and slipping into his boxers. You just sit tight. As her husband left the room, the wife bundled the bed sheets around her more tightly and followed despite her husband’s warning. As they came to stand in the field, they spied a large, alien vessel hovering mere feet above the earth. Two humanoid shapes were standing in front of it. They were mostly human, though their skin shone oddly in the pale flood lights and their eyes were dark as pitch. One stepped forward, it’s arms raised in a gentle, peaceful demonstration. We come in peace, it said, it’s voice deep and it’s English near perfect. We have been studying your planet for some time and have come down with a singular proposition for you. My mate and I were interested to know if you would enjoy trading partners for the activity you know as sex. Startled, but seeing they meant them no physical harm, the humans agrees to the trade. The silent alien stepped forward and took Elle-May by the hands and gently turned her around. The wife looked back to her husband as the alien approached him, and sighed feebly as they joined hands and walked back inside the house. She soon felt a strong hand on her shoulder, and wih a weak smile, she was guided into the spacecraft. The male alien undressed and the human stifled a laugh. She gasped at her rude behavior, the confusion apparent on the males face. I’m sorry, sir. It’s just… Your ‘equipment is just so… Ah, I see the problem. This is merely for convenience. You see, our race endeavors in a great many conquests and are equipped differently. Here, he signaled her to wait and then tugged at his earlobe. With one tug, his penis was suddenly as long as a pencil, but just as thin. Seeing the woman was not yet impressed, he tugged once more. This time, it was about the size of her husband’s. Feeling a little greedy, she shrugged and the alien tugged once more. His penis grew yet again and the woman was beside herself with lust. Seeing he was spot on, now, they enjoyed their time together with gentle, passionate lovemaking. After they were through, the mixed couples met back on the lawn. The aliens thanked them for their time and were soon up, up and away, disappearing into the night sky. Well, that’s was certainly an… Experience. Elle-May stated, still a bit winded with a blush on her cheeks. How about for you, sweetie? The husband smiled, but brushed a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair. It was… Nice. He shrugged, still looking a bit bewildered. Once the sex started, she was… Well, out of this world. But before that, she kept tugging on my ears… An Extraterrestrial Encounter (NSFW)

A Japanese man, Mexican man, and American man were on a plane that was dropping altitude. They were told to drop something off the plane to lessen the weight on the plane. The Japanese man dropped a Wii and said There are too many of these in my country . Then, the Mexican man dropped a sombrero and said There are too many of these in my country . Finally, the American man dropped the Mexican man off and said There are too many of these in my country . A Japanese man, a Mexican man, and an American man

A Jewish mother goes to the airport to meet her daughter. The daughter steps off the plane with an 8 foot tall Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose. The mother screams, You fool!! I said a rich doctor!! A Jewish mother goes to the airport…

A lady boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class. When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles. The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. Miss, this isn’t your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for the second stewardess said. Once again, the lady simply responded: I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles. And once again, she did not move. A steward, overhearing all of this, comes up to the young blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately got up and proceeded to her assigned seat. The stewardesses asked him, what the hell did you tell her? The steward replied, I just told her that business class doesn’t fly to Los Angeles. A beautiful young blonde

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she’s been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight. When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase! You almost forgot this! , she said. The man looks at her and says, Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, Stay away from Toronto. She replied, Why? Is there going to be an attack there? No , he said. Their mayor’s a crackhead. In light of today’s events in Toronto

A large commercial jet on a transatlantic flight loses an engine and is dropping altitude so fast that they’re going to crash unless they can lose some weight. The pilot instructs the flight crew to inform the passengers that they are going to jettison all the checked luggage. Unfortunately after dumping it all they’re still too heavy and the pilot cant pull the plane out of the dive. Once again the pilot sends the flight attendants to address the passengers, this time with instructions to gather everyones carry-on baggage so they can jettison that as well. People start giving over anything they can think of, shoes, watches, laptops, purses you name it people are handing it over, unfortunately, again, it’s just not enough, the plane is still too heavy. This time the pilot comes to the cabin to address the passengers personally. I’m sorry folks, but it’s just not enough, we’re still too heavy, and we’re still going down. Im afraid we’re only left with one option, some of us are going to have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of everyone else. However I dont want to be biased about this in anyway so we’re just going to do it in alphabetical order. The captain looks around and sees the passengers nodding and mumbling assent Very well then, lets get started, would all the African Americans please come up to the front of the plane? Amid shocked gasps no one stands up Um, ok, moving on then, would all the black passengers please make your way up front Again no one moves, the captain visibly confused now scratches his head and continues Alllll right, could all the coloured people please come on up front ….again, no one stands. At the back of the plane a small black girl looks up at her mother and tugs on her sleeve Momma, I thought you said we were african american? Her mother looks down and smiles No honey, today we’re niggers, and we’re going after the mexicans! A plane is going down.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor. Hank, the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. Did you see this terrible accident happen? Yep. Sure did, the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States? Yep. Were there any survivors? Nope. They’s all kilt straight out, the farmer answered. I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning. President Obama is dead? the sheriff asked. Well, the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. He kept a-saying he wasn’t . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies. A large plane crashed…

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. I ask you a Question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa. Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500. The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon? The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer then she asks the lawyer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500 the blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. The Smart Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a plane and the lawyer suggests a little game to pass the time. They’ll take turns asking questions. If she can’t answer, she gives him $5. If he can’t answer, he gives her $50. So he asks her What’s 5*95? She hands him $5. She then asks him, What goes up with two legs and comes down with three legs? He can’t answer, so he hands her $50. He then says to her, Wait. What’s the answer to your question? Without a word, she hands him $5. Lawyer and Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could take advantage easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun… I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00, he says. This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon? The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. The Lawyer and the Senior Citizen

A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, he politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50! figuring that he will easily win the match. This catches the engineer’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn’t say a word, reaches in to his pocket, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the engineer and asks, Well, so what IS the answer!? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep The Lawyer and the Engineer

A lebanese, an Egyptian, and a Somali are on a plane. The pilot announces that the plane is crashing into the ocean. The Lebanese woman starts quickly putting on make up. The other two ask her why and she says: the rescue team would likely save the prettiest girl first. The Egyptian then starts putting on a lot of jewelry. They ask her why and she says: so the rescue team will see some thing shiny from a distance and go towards it. This way I will be saved first. By now the Somali woman has taken off all her clothes. what the hell are are you doing? asked the Lebanese and the Egyptian. I’m pretty sure the first thing the rescue team will look for is the black box. 3 women on a plane (originally an arabic joke)

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can’t answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn’t have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky. [Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler) A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy, a lawyer along with the pilot were on a plane flying high over a forest when suddenly the engines die and the wings break off from the plane. The pilot comes running from the cockpit yelling the plane is crashing! We only have 3 parachutes so someone is going to have to stay on! Upon hearing this the lawyer took the first parachute in his immediate vision and jumped off, he was followed by the pilot. When the little boy was about to jump he saw the old man crying so he asked him what’s wrong. The old man said I’m going to die, there are no more parachutes the boy ran to the back of the plane found a parachute and gave it to him. Surprised the old man asked him how he got a 4th parachute when there were only 3, The boy replied the lawyer took my backpack. An old man..

A man (lets call him Joe) walks up to his friend (lets call him Jim) working on some kind of plane. What’cha got their Joe? Joe says. Just my new idea for a plane engine. Jim says. Wad’ya mean ‘new’ idea, Planes Fly good already? Joe says, clearly confused. Well, I’m making a plane that runs on a very cheap, very plentiful substance. It runs on burning methane and keeps birds away with its gasses. Jim says with a very triumphant smile on his face. Whats this stuff called?. Joe asks. Well, the technical term is ‘fecal material’ Joe. Jim says. That sounds mighty interesting. Joe says as he walks off Have fun! . Later that night Joe is talking with his wife about his talk with Jim. So dear, what exactly is this here ‘Fecal material’ stuff Jim is talking about? Joe asks. The next day, Joe runs up to Jim and yells: THIS SHIT WILL NOT FLY A joke my friend told me yesterday.

A man about to go on an extended business trip decided to buy his wife a couple of toys as a surprise. He came home the night before his flight out with a sex toy called Voo-Doo Dick. Voo-Doo Dick? his wife asked. What is that? You’ll see, he smirked. Just have fun. It’s special. The next night, she decides to try it out. The directions read, Voo-Doo Dick responds to your every wish! Just say the name twice and then say where you want it to please you. To make it stop, say ‘Cid Ood-Oov return,’ and Voo-Doo Dick returns to its bed to sleep again. She took off her clothes. To test it out, she said, Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Dick. My neck. Voo-Doo Dick began to vibrate and floated to her neck and gave her the best neck message she ever had. She said, Cid Ood-Oov return, and Voo-Doo Dick floated back to its box quietly. She said, Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Doo Dick, my breasts. Voo-Doo Dick once again floated to her and stimulated her nipples until she was turned on more than she had ever been. After several minutes of that, she said, Voo-Doo Dick, Voo-Doo Dick… my pussy. Voo-Doo Dick moved down from her breasts and began to fuck her better than she had ever been before. She had orgasm after orgasm until she’d had enough. But she couldn’t remember the safe phrase to call off Voo-Doo Dick. She tried looking for the instructions, but she couldn’t find the paper and the constant vibrating and intense orgasms still hitting her wouldn’t let her think. Finally, she decided she had to get medical help. Voo-Doo Dick was still going at it. She clumsily put on a robe, got into her car, and headed toward the hospital to try to get it removed. She weaved back and forth all over the highway as more orgasms overwhelmed her as she drove. A few miles from the hospital, a highway patrol car pulled her over. What in the world is going on with you, lady? yelled the patrolman when he got to her window. You must be drunk, weaving all over the road. All you look damn near naked. She explained what happened and that she was going to the hospital for help. I’ve heard some whoppers in my day, lady, but that’s the worst lie I’ve heard yet. But it’s true! The Voo-Doo Dick won’t stop! Voo-Doo Dick? Voo-Doo Dick my ass! Voo-Doo Dick

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York. The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders. A few more minutes pass before the woman sneezes and violently shudders again. Curious, the man says, I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you OK? I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you, says the woman. ”I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Are you taking anything for it? he asks. Yes, says the woman. Pepper. ” I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition…

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK? I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before he said. Are you taking anything for it? The woman smiled, Pepper. A man is sitting next to a woman…

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’ ‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘ The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?’ The woman nodded, ‘Pepper.’ Sneezing orgasm.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before. At this, the man said, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay? I’m sorry if I disturbed you, the woman replied, but I have a very rare medical condition – whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. I’ve never heard of that condition, the man said. Are you taking anything for it? Yes, the woman said. Pepper. A man and a woman were…

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he’d need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: Please wake me at 5 a.m. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he’d missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: It’s 5 a.m. Wake up. Wake up call

A man and his wife, Greg and Edna, were lived in Barrow, Alaska their entire lives. One day, after a particularly heavy snowfall more than 30 inches! Greg turns to Edna while they’re clearing their driveway and proclaims to his wife Edna, I’ve had enough of this snow. We’ve shoveled and scraped and salted and blowed for 50 years. We’re going south, and we’re not stopping until we find a place where no one knows what this damn thing is as he gestures at his snow blower. So the next day they pack their clothes and valuables, and Edna helps Greg strap the snow blower to the roof of their car, and they begin driving south. Eventually, after many, many hours of driving, the pair reaches Vancouver, British Columbia. It’s sunny and bright, with a warm breeze blowing in off the Pacific Ocean. It seems like a lovely place. As they pull into a gas station to refill their car Edna asks Is this where we’re going to live? But before Greg can answer, a man walks up to Greg’s open window. Hey there the man says that’s a nice snow blower you got there. Is it for sale or something? Greg turns to Edna and shakes his head No honey, this isn’t the place. So the pair starts driving again. Their next pit stop is in Medford, Oregon. The relatively small city is nice and warm, and it’s known for being sunnier and drier than other parts of the Pacific North-West. This seems like a lovely spot Edna says. Is this where we’re going to live? But Greg shakes his head and points to the display of anti-freeze and windshield scrapers just inside the gas station’s doors. They still have winters here. I’m afraid this isn’t the spot. They continue driving for what seems like an eternity, passing through San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Phoenix, and many other towns and cities along the way, until eventually they reach Kingsville, Texas. Exhausted from their long journey, Greg and Edna pull into a small gas station to fuel up. The attendant comes out and, in a thick southern drawl, says Well howdy folks. Say, what’s that contraption on top of your car, some kind of wheat thresher? Edna looks to Greg with a glimmer of hope in her eyes, and Greg smiles and nods back to her. This is the place. Several months pass and Greg’s brothers Will and Pete decide to pay him a surprise visit and get out of the Alaskan cold for a few weeks. So they hop on an airplane and go to Greg and Edna’s address in Kingsville. As their cab pulls up to the house, they notice the place looks dark and unkempt. Unsure of what to do, they decided to knock on the neighbor’s door and see what they know. When the neighbor answered, Will greeted him. Uh, hey there. This is 114 East Shelton, right? It sure is Huh. Well you see, I thought my brother and his wife lived next door to you. But the house seems abandoned. Oh, you must be talking about Greg and Edna the neighbor replies. They moved out all flustered and in a hurry a few weeks ago. Really? Pete asks, somewhat alarmed. Are they okay? Were they in some kind of trouble? I don’t think so. All I know is, last I saw of them, they we’re driving North as fast as they could with a nigger strapped to the roof of their car. *My apologies if this breaks the rules on racism. I thought the joke was fairly mild but others may be more sensitive than I* Greg and Edna and a Snow Blower (Mildly Racist, N-word)

A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked on a lonly island. They try to light up a fire for bypassing ships or planes, but without any result. After a couple days they start to get along, find some food sources and build a shelter.He begins to flirt with her, so as time passes by they start having sex. This goes on some months, and she notices how he gets more and more depressed while he should be the happiest man alive . One day she confronts him: ,, Hey, in the last days you seemed pretty down. Is there anything I can do for you? ,,Yes Kate. He replies ,, Could you walk around the corner and put this on for me? ,, Of course! She says. Kate walks back and has a bag on her head with a poorly drawn male face on it. He runs towards her and starts screaming: ,,PETE YOU WON’T BELIVE WHO I’M FUCKING!!! A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii Confused, the check in lady said I’m sorry sir we can’t do that The man responded Thats great news, because thats what happened last time A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii Confused, the check in lady said I’m sorry sir we can’t do that The man responded Thats great news, because thats what happened last time ELI101: How do people not get binary?

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your business role at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well , she explained, One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I’m sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name… Tonto, the man said , Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba. Nymphomaniacs convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago . He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your business role at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really, he said, what myths are those? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck. Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I’m sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Goldstein … but my friends call me Bubba. CONVERSATION ON AN AIRPLANE

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American man who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . Nymphomaniac convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy . A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat..

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . A man on a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba A nymphomaniac on a plane (Saw this and had to share)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . Man and woman on an airplane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . Nymphomaniacs of America

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . *I am reposting something from facebook to share ha* So a man on a plane sees the sexiest woman alive…

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . Tonto Gonzales