A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign… A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? he asks. Yes, she purrs. I am. Well, wash your frickin’ hands, says the man. I want a cheese sandwich!
Student insult teacher Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework! –
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a sky scraper The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, i’m going to throw myself off this building! The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims Aye, I’ve got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow i’ll throw myself off this building as well! The Irishman opens his lunch and says I’ve got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, i’ll join you in jumping off this building! So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off of the sky scraper. A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping. If I would have known Pete didn’t want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up! Said the English mans wife. The Scotsman’s wife nodded Yes, If i knew Stephen didn’t want chicken mayo then I would have made something different. The Irishman’s wife was crying harder than all and simply said I just don’t understand… Paddy made his own fucking sandwiches
The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality That explains why Jerk Chicken and Pulled Pork were the only two items on the menu
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? We really do taste like chicken!
What does a gay chicken say? Nothing; chickens cluck, they don’t speak.
Boss of a chicken farm What do you call the boss of a chicken farm? An EGGxecutive.
Why did the chicken cross the road? **To kill its self** This is no joke **#CHICKENLIVESMATTER**
Little Johnny Goes Hunting [LONG] Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, Whatcha got there son? Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire. Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son? asked the old man. Gonna catch me some chickens! , said Johnny. You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans porch. Whatcha got now son? Got me some duct tape. And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? , the old man asked. Gonna catch me some ducks! You cant catch ducks with duct tape! said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking. About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. Whatcha got now son? asked the old man. Johnny said, Got me some pussy willow. The old man stood up and said hold on there, let me get my hat
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud, This is not the 1928 Mouton. The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine. Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928, I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location. Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes.
My Most Favorite When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. I have an idea, boss, his chauffeur said. I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you. Einstein laughed loudly and said, Why not? Let’s do it! When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!! Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer How did you get all these three legged chickens? The farmer replied, I breed ’em. Ya see it’s me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece. That’s amazing! said the driver How do they taste? Don’t know, can’t fuckin’ catch ’em!
Turkey coup What’s with all of this talk about a Turkey coup? I thought it was called a chicken coup
A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. You’re in the afterlife! he tells the man, But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here. All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they’re all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines. The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. That one’s the bread line, that’s the broth line, and that’s the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you’ve got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I’ve heard the food is better there. So the man gets his food. It’s abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It’s nothing too fancy, if anything, it’s a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street. What are the odds? they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone’s attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man’s wonder and points to each line in turn. That’s the hot dog line, that’s the salad line, and that’s the lemonade line. The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch. While he’s eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it! Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn’t like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn’t too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel. And wouldn’t you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. Come, the beggar told him, I’ll take you to the evening meal. So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. That’s the steak line, that’s the soup line, and that’s the champagne line, and then he added, and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year! The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. What is it, he thought, that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here? That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring. Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was–it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same. The beggar laughed jovially. I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I’ve come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in! Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own. Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. That’s the line for the dragon meat, he said before turning to the next line, and that’s the line for angeldust stew, then he paused, confused. What is it? the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied, There appears to be no punchline.
A chicken walks into a bar… Chicken: got any chicken food? Bartender: Nope, thats across the road. That answers that question
I don’t know Why people called me racist? I am good with money like Jews are. I have squinty eyes like asians have. I love fried chicken like black people does.
A little boy gets on the public bus A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying, If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling. The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum? The boy responds, Then I’d be a bus driver.
With Jesus now! 18+ Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today. What? his father replied. Hope this one doesn’t upset anyone xD When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!
An Oldie but a Goodie Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the redneck cross the road? Because his dick was still in the chicken.
Two dogs and a cat walked into a restaurant… Tonight’s aspecial, general Tao chicken and a beef brocorri!
Why did the redneck cross the road? Because he couldn’t get his dick out of a chicken.
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens He said I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up? I said Sure… 90.
TOP ROOSTER A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, OK, old fart, time to retire! The old rooster replies, Come on, you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it’s done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? The young rooster says, Beat it! You’re washed up and I’m taking over. The old rooster says I’ll tell you what, young stud, I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. The young rooster laughs, You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start. The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He’s already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! — he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, Damn…third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!
Has this one ever been used? Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave. The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.
The Egg Store Two detectives walk in, the door bell ringing as they enter. A man behind the counter greets them as they stroll up to the counter. Afternoon, sirs. Welcome to the Egg Emporium, the premier distributor of eggs and egg products in town. How can I help you? The first speaks up; We’ve received a tip there’s fowl business going on at this establishment. You wouldn’t happen to know anything, would you? I don’t know eggxactly what you’re talking about, but I can show you the back, if you’d like to see. Yes, that’d be helpful. The second detective grimaces at the first; they could be walking into a trap. There had been an anonymous call that the emporium had been the center of a sex trafficking operation, and who knows what could be behind those doors. The back rooms contained shelves upon shelves of eggs; duck, chicken, ostrich, emu, crocodile, alligator, Obama. Yolk was strewn about the floor, presumably from dropped eggs. The employees ran around in chicken suit uniforms, though the detectives attributed this to an odd company policy. And here we are at the last room. Before you enter, I’d ask that you remember that what we’re doing is perfectly legal. said the man, standing proud in his rooster costume. What do you mean ‘doing’? You’ll see. The door opened. A naked man lay in the middle of the floor, surrounded by various fowl-dressed men. Buk Buk Bukkake
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy yells back, A roll of chicken wire. Old man says What you gonna do with that? Boy says Catch some chickens. Old man yells You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy yells back Roll of duck tape. Old man says What you gonna do with that? Boy says back Catch me some ducks. Old man yells back, You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape! Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy says It’s a pussy willow. Old man says Hold on, I’ll get my hat.
A guy walks into a brothel… And tells the Madam that his wife hasn’t done anything with him in months and that he’s starving to get off. The madam kindly let’s him know that all of the women are taken, but she leans in close and let’s him know that if he’s really starving for action that he can go in the far room in the back and that he’ll find something that may satisfy him. Perplexed and really itching for action, he goes through several dimly lit rooms until he sees a giant bed. Suddenly he hears a door open and a chicken falls out of the wall. As soon as he turns to leave, he hears the door latch behind him. Eager to get off, he thinks, fuck it and rolls up his sleeves. After about an hour, the door unlocks and the man steps out, scratched, beaten and broken but finally relieved. He walks up to the front and tells the Madam that it’s the best sex he’s ever had and exclaims that he’ll be back next week for more. After the week goes by, the man comes back in, ready for more. He casually leans up to the counter and requests an hour with the chicken. The Madam let’s him know that the chicken is currently taken but if he wanted to, he could go upstairs and go down the hall to the waiting area. The man agrees and goes into the room where a bunch of guys are jerking off over a window in the floor. He casually walks up and sees a full on orgy of beautiful women in the bed below. He leans to the guy next to him and whispers, man this is great! The man leans over and whispers, if you think this is great, last week there was a guy trying to fuck a chicken!
Why did the chicken knock knock? Q – Why did the chicken cross the road? A – To see the idiot across the street. Q – Knock knock. (Who’s there?) A – The chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see his girlfriend on the other side, but then he got taken by McDonalds and crushed for chicken nuggets.
My 8 year old son wrote this… What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes? A poultry-geist.
The Lord’s Prayer When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord’s Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken. I can’t possibly do that, said the Pope. Not even for 100,000 dollars? asked the Colonel. No, not for 100,000 dollars, replied the Pope. Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord’s Prayer to be changed to Give us this day our daily chicken. Again the Pope refused. I can’t possibly change the wording of the Lord’s Prayer from bread to chicken, he repeated. Another six months and KFC sales had reached an all-time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord’s Prayer. ”I’ll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word ‘bread’ to ‘chicken’ in the Lord’s Prayer. That’s a lot of money, conceded the Pope. So you’ll do it? ”I’ll have to discuss it with the cardinals. So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals. He began: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC are going to donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
A young boy’s parents were arguing When the father calls the mother a bitch. What’s a bitch? Asks the boy. It’s a mother he replied. The mother then calls the father a bastard. Again the boy asks what does that mean. It’s a father, she replied. They then stop and get ready because they are having guests over. Oh shit! He heard from his mother upstairs, who was putting make up on but accidentally ruined it. What’s shit? asks the boy. ohh, it’s a type of make up , she said. The boy goes down stairs and his father yells oh fuck! Because he accidentally cut himself while cutting the chicken. What does fuck mean? Asks the boy. Oh, it means to cut, said the father. The guests arrive and the boy let’s them in. Where are your parents? asks one of them. The bitch is upstairs putting shit on her face, and the bastard’s downstairs fucking the chicken.
What’s more terrified than a turkey caught in a chicken coop. A chicken caught in the Turkey coup.
Why Did The Military Take Over Turkey? To Prove They Were Not Chicken
Why is everyone freaking out about a turkey coup? We’ve been keeping chickens in them for years.
Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one? B: You can have both A: Three
Which do you want me to bring in first? Yesterday my parents are preparing dinner and my mom wanted me to get the chicken. When she opens the fridge and notices the egg carton is empty, she ask me to get the eggs as well. So then I asked her… Which one do you want me to bring in first, the chicken or the egg?
There is a big ass competition in town it is held in an indoor stadium and crowd is 150,000 people. the japanese woman shows a small carrot up her ass. the russian woman shoves a bottle of vodka up her ass. the black woman shoves a tub of fried chicken up her ass. this goes on for a while. the winner is announced as the indian woman who did not even show up. when everyone looks confused, the judges ask where do you think we are holding this competition?
Seriously Funny 6/10/’16 I learned that I’m up for a writing award for four of my comedic blogs. If I win I’ll give it to Hilary & Trump. That’s where the material originated. The Republican Convention will be held at the Quicken Loans Arena. Each delegate gets 1st month payment off on a wide screen! A study claims the U.S. is now the largest producer of oil. Unfortunately it’s almond oil, so unless Mr. Peanut invents a car we’re still screwed! On this day in 1804 Aron Burr dueled the Vice President, killed him & nothing happened. No word yet if he was a Minnesota or Louisiana policeman. Wyoming has no professional sports teams. So they’re a lot like Minnesota! Japan has a shrine to hemorrhoid sufferers. It’s apparently popular, it’s advertised as ‘standing room only’! As the world’s largest music fest (Summerfest) comes to an end, I want to thank Bibi Adell, & Johnny Washday. Good people & great entertainers! A leading scientist says human’s evolved from monkeys mating with pigs. Insert your own secret service, prostitute joke here. A New York store is selling wine soaked popcorn. You’ve heard of ‘Crunch ‘n Munch’. This is Crunch ‘n Drunk’! The Prez. claims his favorite food is broccoli. He also says he doesn’t like sleeping on the couch. Stats say more teens are smoking weed than cigarettes. So they’ve opted out of nicotine stains for chicken, Doritos, & pizza stains!
The old man on the porch A young boy was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man says, Whatcha got there, sonny? The boy says, Got me some chicken wire. Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire? asked the old man. Gonna catch me some chickens! says the boy. You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, you dummy! said the man. The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks on down the street. About a half hour later, the boy comes walking back with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old man was shocked and couldn’t believe his eyes. About a half hour later, the boy was again walking past the old man’s porch. Whatcha got now, sonny? Got me some duct tape. And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked. Gonna catch me some ducks! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape, you dummy! said the old man. The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks on down the street. About a half hour later, back comes the boy with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, the boy was again passing the porch. Whatcha got now sonny? asked the old man. The boy says, Got me some pussy willow. The old man says, Hold up, let me put my shoes on!
A teacher is teaching her class about animals. She has a list of barnyard creatures on the board and is asking the children what foodstuffs can be derived from each. What does the pig give us? Several hands go up. Bacon. Sausages. She nods, points to the next. The chicken? Chicken. Eggs. And then she comes to the last animal. Finally, what does the cow give us? A single hand goes up. Homework.
A pedophile chicken has sex with an egg… Obviously the chicken came first.
So this guy is on speed… So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good fuck. On the inside he remembers that he’s a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress: Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out? The lady says: Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right. The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures: Oh well you get what you pay for! , and he screws that chicken to near death, with feathers flying everywhere. So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam: Listen lady, I’ve only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me? Sure! says the madam. Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time . The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex. This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!! the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was a guy in there fucking a chicken!
Teacher 🙂 Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
I’m not being racist but.. See you opened the post because I started this with I’m not being racist but… Anyway, the joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? Well I asked it but apparently chickens don’t speak English!
The Schitt Family Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, You don’t know Jack Schitt. Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if someone says, You don’t know Jack Schitt , you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family. To which I replied: Actually, Jack Schitt is a character in Jasper Fforde’s Eyre Affair and Lost in a Good Book. So I can proudly say I knew Jack before you knew Schitt.
You want to hear an old racist joke? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Told that by an old homeless guy.
Supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher. Don’t worry, she said, I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping. Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system… Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.
Why did the suicidal man cross the road? Because he wanted to play chicken.
Three legged chicken A real estate agent from the city is driving down a county road looking for the place he is to meet a new client. He looks out the window and sees a three legged chicken running beside him in the ditch. He is amazed that as he looked at the speedometer in his car and he’s doing 40 mph, all the while the chicken is keeping up with him. He increases his speed to 50 mph and the chicken stays with him. He keeps it up. 60, 70, 80 mph and the chicken keeps pace no problem. The realtor hits 90 mph and he is finally able to overtake the chicken. As he coasts to a more manageable speed the chicken runs down a driveway and into a farm. The realtor, who’s curious at this point, turns around and goes into the farm. He finds the farmer tending his garden and heads over to him. I was driving down the road and I came across a three legged chicken! He could run 90 miles an hour! What is with that? The farmer replies: it’s a simple story. There is me, my wife and my son living here. We all love a drumstick. So instead of fighting over them when we eat chickens, we biologically engineered our chickens to have three legs!! Drumsticks for everyone! My god! That’s a brilliant plan! Think of all the possibilities! How do they taste? We don’t know! We can’t catch the fuckin things! sorry about the formatting, I posted this on a mobile. And I fuckin hate reposts. I haven’t seen this joke on here before but if it is I’ll kick my own ass
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four it would be a chicken sedan.
A husband and wife are getting ready for a dinner with their boss… A husband and wife are getting ready for a dinner with their boss. Their 5 year-old son is getting bored so he goes into the kitchen to see his dad who is chopping chicken to cook for the guests. He accidentally cuts his finger and says fuck! . The son hears this and says dad, what does ‘fuck’ mean? The dad turns and sees his son and says umm… it means… chop. Yes it means chop. Now go and see your mother The son walks upstairs to his mum where she is putting her makeup on. She slips a bit and gets mascara on her cheek and says shit . The son asks mum, what does ‘shit’ mean? The mum turns and sees her son and says umm… it means… makeup. Yes it means makeup. Oh! there’s the doorbell, go and welcome the guests The son opens the door and says Hello everyone! Mum is upstairs putting shit on her face and dad is in the kitchen fucking the chicken!
Why did the frog cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken
the chicken Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chicken joke The normal chicken goes cock a doodle doo The retarted chicken goes doodle doodle cock They gay chicken goes any cock will doo
