Here, a joke, that you will find. Find it funny? Well you decide. (Long Asian.. Joke, It’s okay guys, I’m asian so I can write it) So there’s a White guy, a Black guy, and an Asian Guy. They were all on a tv show with one woman. The catch of this show was to bring a women to tears, by bringing out her emotions. The White guy bought her a caramel latte from StarBucks, thinking such gifts would make this girl get on her knees and beg him to take her, but He failed and gave up. The black man was next. He thought that emotions could rile her up to cry. So he talked about how he would love her like the Father he never had, he ended up crying, failed and left the show. Now it was the Asian mans turn. He walked in like a boss and whispered into her ear Hey, you sexay laadddaayyy, You want duh luving pho cheap? as he gently stroked the side of her face. It was after that, that she finally broke down into tears, crying unendingly. After the show, the two men asked the asian guy, how the hell he did that? The asian guy replied, it’s an old trick I learned from my ancestors and has been passed down for generations. I rub ghost pepper on hand and rub her face, she cry after.
How did the hipster got his tongue burnt? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Fruits of Labour (It’s all in the delivery) A few weeks ago I woke up in a particularly fractious mood, I think because I’d been eating Soljanka into the wee hours of the morning. I came downstairs and I decided to have a banana for breakfast, just a banana, keeping it simple. And I was looking at this banana lying there in front of me when some rage started to come over me. I started laying into the banana – verbally not physically, I’m not aggressive in that way, I always talk before I hit – and I really tore it off a strip, articulate, you know, calling it shorty and ugly and things like that. Incidentally, something you should know about bananas is that they are very placid, either that or they have long memories. Anyway after five minutes I felt I’d said enough and before it could think of a come-back I ate it in two gulps. So feeling pleased with myself and in a funny way virile, I packed my good tie and went off to work. After lunch my boss comes up to me and totally lays into me, telling me my work output is well below par and that he thinks I’m short and ugly, the latter of which I personally felt was unreasonable. Now, before you ask how the court case is going let me tell you that kind of negativity and put-down was not unusual. Me and my boss we had issues, along the lines of Putin and Poroshenko, and I figured today he was just ball-aching about some lost investors. Also, you know, I have background information on him. Nevertheless I was smarting by the end of the day. The next morning I woke up with the same feelings of malice and I start to think that maybe I’m just not a morning person. Again the banana gets it, both barrels and I’m calling out, Anybody in there? Eh? Come on out!’ And again just after lunch I get it from my boss, both barrels, almost word for word. This went on two weeks. Finally I figured: voodoo, you know, that I was caught up in some weird gris-gris and that I was experiencing everything the banana did, right up until I ate it. So, the next day I was deliberately nice to the banana, calling it sweet, funny and smart and most of all purposeful and I thought by doing this maybe I’d get back the same sorts of compliments and in the long run my life would be immeasurably enriched. I get into work and all is good, everything’s going real well and I think I’ve nailed it right up until after lunch when my boss gives me another torrent of abuse and punches me in the mouth. There and then I handed in my notice and now the joke is on him because I won for constructive dismissal.
What is black and doesn’t work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman’s door… The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, Hello, we’re with the church of Latter-day Saints and we’re here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you? The old man replies with a smile, Sure! That sounds great, I’ll go make some tea and crumpets. Please, take a seat in the living room. He goes into the kitchen and comes back after a few minutes with tea and crumpets which he gives to the men. He sits down and says, I truly am fascinated by different religions. Now, what is it you fine boys wanted to tell me? One Mormon nervously looks back at the old man and says, I don’t fucking know, I’ve never gotten this far before!
I was in the restaurant I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me .
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Chuck Norris expects the spanish inquisition. I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A man saves up to buy a Ferrari He’s been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash. He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the money. A few minutes later, the dealer comes out of his office. Sir, we have a bit of a problem. You are exactly five cents short of the price. The man is stunned. Come on, it’s just a nickel! Sorry, but you’ll have to pay in full. I can wait if you need to withdraw some money from your account. But that’s literally all I have right now! Give me a minute… He runs outside the dealership and looks around, spying a small cafe next door. An old man sits at a table outside the cafe, sipping a coffee and reading the newspaper. He approaches the old man. Excuse me, this might be an odd request, he says, but can you spare a nickel? I’m trying to buy a Ferrari. The old man’s eyes light up and he starts digging around through his wallet. Hang on, I think I got a dime, will you pick one up for me too?!
Bob Dylan’s story about East Orange New Jersey (from his Gaslight ’61 recordings). I can imagine Norm Macdonald telling this. First time I ever worked in East Orange New Jersey – folks, never go to East Orange New Jersey. It’s a horrible town. I went there to play in a coffeehouse in East Orange New Jersey. It was a chess playing coffeehouse out there. It was so bad, uh, so bad, people playing chess out there. Uh, that’s all I thought about was chess and chess and chess. People come up to me, you play a song, and play a real quiet song and in the middle of the song you hear check and hey they was a good move! and all kinds of stuff like that. And folks, it was so bad I had a little dream out there the first night I worked about this chess playing stuff. I dreamt I went to work out in East Orange New Jersey and uh by the time I quit in two days and I went there to ask the guy for my money. I says Can I have some money I worked two days for you – he says uh well okay we don’t pay money around here though – and I says uh, yeah? – he says uh well, he says uh yeah we pay chess men. – I said uh well give me my chess men then I worked two days – I sort of – didn’t really figure – I thought he was lying at first but I took it anyway. He gave me a king and a queen for working two days. I said fine I said okay. So I took my king and queen went down to a bar. Nearest bar I could find I walked in the bar and I ordered a pint. I got in the bar. Bartender I says Can I have a pint? I’ll be damned if he didn’t give me a pint. He uh, asked me for the money. I gave him my king and queen. I’ll be damned. He took took that king and queen, threw them under the counter and brought me out four pawns, two bishops and a rook for change. That’s a story about East Orange New Jersey.
Magic Number 5 I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number 5 . It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race. Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named The 5th Element. Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row I entered through the 5th admissions gate I bought 5 programs I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. Well, said Jeff. Did your horse win?? I frowned at Jeff and said, Stupid horse came in 5th.
What’s black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist fuck.
What did the hungry dyslexic order at the movie theater? Cop porn * This is probably already a joke but I’m experiencing a huge coffee crash so it was hilarious to me.
Do You Know With Whom Are You Talking A Trainee In An MNC Dialed The CEO By Mistake & Said: Hey, Send A Coffee To Accounts Dept. Do It Fast.. CEO: Do U Know With Whom R U Talking??? Trainee: No!!! CEO: I’m The CEO Of This Company Trainee: Do U Know With Whom R U Talking??? Confused CEO Answers Slowly: No Trainee: Thank God!!! (Disconnected The Phone & Said: All Is Well.. All Is Well.. All Is Well.)
TIL: There is a chemical compound that can be extremely deadly to humans, is most of the time in food, and is not always government regulated. Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are: Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities. Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage. Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects. DHMO is a major component of acid rain. Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns. Contributes to soil erosion. Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals. Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits. Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes. Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions. Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks. Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S. Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect. What you may find surprising are some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are: An additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly all-natural fruit juices, in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals, in spray-on oven cleaners, in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products, in bathtub bubble products marketed to children, as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections, in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors, in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad, in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and lastly, as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research. ( Source: http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html )
The difference between instant and real coffee The difference between instant coffee and real coffee is like the difference between a handjob and a blowjob. They both get you there, but the quality of the experience is vastly different
On the pull A guy picks up a girl in a bar. The girl is in a wheel chair. She is really flirty and asks the guy to take her home, via the park. In the park, she starts talking dirty until the guy can take it no more. He hoists her out of the wheelchair, hangs her on the railings and gives her a good seeing to. he lifts her back into the wheelchair and takes her home. When they get to her parent’s house, he dad is still up. They chat and have a cup of coffee, then the girl goes off to bed. This leaves the guy and her dad. The girl’s dad immediately starts praising him. You’re a lovely guy son, a decent, honest, caring person . He praises him and praises him. Eventually, the guy says, If you don’t mind me asking, why the praise, you’ve only just met me? The dad says, Every other fucker leaves her on the railings.
Here’s an Abraham Lincoln’s lame joke that you can also use: If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
A young man walks into a bar And sees a horse. Young man: ‘Why the long face?’ Horse: ‘Women. The ones I like anyways. Young man: ‘Why? What’s the problem? What kind of women do you like?’ Horse: ‘I like my women like I like my coffee.’ Young Man: ‘Ground up and in the freezer?’ Horse: ‘N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.’ Two scientists walk in… Horse: ‘Hey guys, first one’s on me. What’ll it be?’ Scientist 2: ‘We’ll both have water thanks.’ Scientist 1 to Young Man: ‘What’s eating you?’ Young Man: ‘I just found out my girlfriend’s dad is a pharmacist.’ A dentist walks in. Dentist: ‘Drinks all round. I’m just back from a great safari holiday.’ Horse: ‘I hope you were just shooting with a camera.’ Dentist: ‘Don’t be Cecilly. Sorry, so silly. Bagged myself some real trophies. Check my facebook. Just then a chicken pops its head round the door. Chicken: ‘Sorry. Has anyone seen a tomato family walking around here? Sorry to bother you. Sorry.’ Scientist 1: ‘Sure. They were across the street about ten minutes ago heading north. If you hurry you’ll ketchup.’ Chicken: ‘Sorry. Thanks. Sorry again. I have to go now. Sorry.’ Scientist 2: ‘What’s his deal?’ Horse: ‘He’s Canadian. Good guy.’ A screeching sound comes from outside followed by the unmistakable sound of a bus hitting a chicken. *In heaven St Peter: ‘Look chicken, it’s been a busy century, I’ve been whizzing round trying to find priests and lawyers for some young couple, some idiot just got in, the devil nabbed our only engineer, and to top it off some nuns have just been washing various body parts in the holy bowl. Do you mind waiting?’ Chicken: ‘Yeah, no. Super sorry about all that. I’ll just head down these stairs and go to hell so you can have a better morning. Sorry again. B-bye.’ St.Peter : ‘Thanks man.’ The chicken heads for the stairs… St.Peter: ‘Next. Name and manner of death.’ Next in line: ‘Harambe. I dunno what happened man. I was trying hug this kid who tried to jump me and the next thing I know I’m stood behind that chicken and that guy who died in the refridgerator.’ St. Peter: ‘Ok, let me just check your lie clock…..’ Edit: Wow! 5k upvotes and a gold! Inbox battered. Thanks. A time traveller walks into a bar.
I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas… The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me… That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
What happens to snake-skin boots when they get wet? They turn into water moccasins.
My sex life is such a disaster… My sex life is such a disaster that last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning Briefing to his staff… A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure? A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, Sir, it has to be 100% Pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. The room fell Silent
A lawyer was driving in the middle of nowhere… A telephone pole was suddenly struck by lightning, falling in front of the lawyer, causing him to swerve into a ditch and total his car. He got out of his car and looked around. In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house. He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, How can I help you? I wrecked my car down the road, said the lawyer. Can I use your phone to call a tow truck? To this, the pink-striped man replied, I’m sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning. So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams. About an hour later, another lawyer came driving down that exact same road and saw that exact same telephone pole, causing him to swerve into that exact same ditch and total his car. He got out of his car and looked around. In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house. He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, How can I help you? I wrecked my car down the road, said the lawyer. Can I use your phone to call a tow truck? To this, the pink-striped man replied, I’m sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning. So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams. About an hour later, a third lawyer came driving down that exact same road and saw that exact same telephone pole, causing him to swerve into that exact same ditch and total his car. He got out of his car and looked around. In the distance, he saw a pink-striped house. He walked to the house, went up a pink-striped sidewalk, knocked on a pink-striped door, and was greeted by a pink-striped man who asked, How can I help you? I wrecked my car down the road, said the lawyer. Can I use your phone to call a tow truck? To this, the pink-striped man replied, I’m sorry, the phone is down right now, but you can stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning. So the lawyer walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped bathroom where he took a pink-striped shower with pink-striped shampoo and pink-striped soap, dried off with a pink-striped towel, put on pink-striped pajamas and went to a pink-striped bedroom, where he got into a pink-striped bed with a pink-striped pillow and pink-striped sheets and had pink-striped dreams. The next morning, the first lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee, and asked, Can I use your phone now? The pink-striped man replied, Sure, but don’t you want some breakfast first? So the lawyer had some pink-swirl coffee, called a tow truck, and left. About an hour later, the second lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee, and asked, Can I use your phone now? The pink-striped man replied, Sure, but don’t you want some breakfast first? So the lawyer had a pink-striped donut, called a tow truck, and left. About an hour later, the third lawyer woke up, took off his pink-striped pajamas and put his lawyer clothes back on, walked down a pink-striped hallway to a pink-striped kitchen where the pink-striped man was making pink-striped donuts and pink-swirl coffee and asked, Can I use your phone now? The pink-striped man replied, Sure, but don’t you want some breakfast first? So the lawyer had some pink-swirl coffee, called a tow truck, and left. The moral of the story is this: 2 out of 3 lawyers prefer coffee over donuts.
Why did the can crusher quit his can crushing job Because it was soda-pressing Why did the coffee call the police? Because it got mugged! I hate jokes about German sausages you know why? because they’re the Wurst! What do you call a fake noodle? An Im-Pasta! What does the annoying pepper do? It gets Jalapeno (all up in yo) face! What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bi-son! What do you call cheese by its self? Prov-Alone! Why dont crabs give to charity? Because they are Shellfish! Corny Jokes for you
A blonde takes part in a game show [Disclaimer: I don’t know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, ’cause it’s actually a pretty fun story ] First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last? a) 99 years b) 116 years c) 100 years d) 150 years The blonde prefers to use her one free pass joker at this point, so here comes the next question: where does the Panama hat originate from? a) Ecuador b) Venezuela c) Colombia d) Panama The blonde asks the public’s help joker and here comes the next question: what was George VI’s first name? a) Albert b) Jonah c) George d) Constantine The blonde uses the 50:50 joker and here comes the next question: during which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? a) September b) October c) November d) February The blonde uses the phone call joker and here comes the next question: which animal gave its name to the Canary Islands? a) Seal b) Canary c) Monkey d) Cat The blonde says the wrong answer and loses the game. Did you laugh at the blonde for using her jokers to answer such *easy* questions? Well, here are the correct answers: 1 – 116 years (from 1337 to 1453) 2 – Ecuador 3 – Albert 4 – November (because the Russians’ calendar used to be Julian as opposed to Gregorian (in the latter, the revolution’s date is 7 November) 5 – Seal (monk seal = *canis marinus* or sea dog / Canariae Insulae = Islands of the Dogs)
No balls. A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, Are you allergic to anything ? He replies, Yes caffeine. Have you ever worked for the public service before. Yes I was in the army he says,I was in Iraq for two tours. The interviewer says, That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks, Are you disabled in any way? The guy says Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says, O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm…….but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday. The bloke is puzzled and asks. If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don’t you want me here until 10.00am? I’m not looking for any special treatment y’know. What you have to understand is that this is a council job, the interviewer says, For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point coming in for that.
The old mailman retires It’s been 35 years that he’s worked in the same area. He was well loved in the neighbourhood, so the people who knew him and loved him decided to surprise him on his last day. At one house, the whole family was waiting for him and they give the old mailman a huge gift bag. At another house, they give him a box of outstanding cigars. At the third house, he gets a lovely fishing rod (since they know he’s a passionate fisherman). And so on. At one house, a gorgeous young blonde housewife is waiting for him wearing very sexy lingerie. She takes the mailman’s hand with a smile, guides him to her bedroom and they make love. It’s truly the most passionate sex the mailman has ever had in his whole life. After some rest, the woman goes out to the kitchen and prepares the mailman an amazing breakfast. While eating, the mailman notices a $20 bank note under his coffee cup. ‘Listen,’ says the mailman. ‘What you gave me today is so wonderful that I can’t even put it in words. But I’d like to ask, why do I get $20?’ ‘Last night I told my husband today was gonna be your last day,’ answers the beautiful housewife. ‘And I asked him what to give you. His answer was: Fuck that guy… give him $20! . The breakfast was my idea, though!’
Irishman Paddy wanted another drink But Mick the pub owner said ya had enough, go on home Paddy I am guessing your right Mick, and with that he spun around on his stool, focused his eyes on the door, got up and proceeded to fall face first on the floor. Oh, Saints be praised, I must be drunken than me thought. If I can just get to the door and git a bit of fresh air all will be well So he crawls towards the door, pulls himself up holding onto the jamb, takes a deep breath of night air and thinks Oh this be great! I am revived. He takes and step and bam. Face first onto the cobblestone sidewalk. Oh me Lord! I didn’t think I was this drunk. Well, I can see me front door just a couple of doors down. I can crawl there. So he proceeds to creep to his home, he reaches the door and pulls himself up and opens the door. Looking up at the stairs he must climb, he says Oh I can make that. I am closer to me bed and again he falls onto the floor. This time he works his way along the floor, up the stairs and makes it to his bed. The next morning his lovely wife Maggie awakens him with the sound of clattering coffee cups. Oh, so you got a drunk on last night. Here, have yourself a cup of coffee. Oh my Maggie, apparently I did. But how do you know? Because Mick called from the pub and told me. And also, he said, you left your wheelchair.
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All of the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, Don’t forget the coffee!
You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da.
A guy threw away his coffee because it was too cold… And an angry young lady walked up to him and said Oi, starving children in Africa could’ve drank that coffee you just threw away! So the man said They could’ve drank the semen I threw away too.
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying a lot of money was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank. ‘$165,000’ she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. ‘Gambling’ she muttered. ‘What kind of gambling?’ the president asked. ‘Bets. Let me give you a real example. I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.’ ‘Hahaha. That’s a stupid bet. You could never win.’ ‘Would you care to accept the bet, then?’ asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. ‘Of course! I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls aren’t rectangular!’ ‘Since it’s such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?’ ‘Sure’ said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren’t rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president’s office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. ‘So $25,000 that the president’s balls are rectangular!’ The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That’s when he noticed the woman’s lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. ‘What’s the problem with your attorney, m’am?’ ‘Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I’d hold the president of the Canadian National Bank’s balls in my hand.’
My pastor told me this joke today about temptation There was a man who was overweight and he decided that he had some excess pounds to lose. He was very diligent and stuck to his diet very strictly. He even had a new route to work so that he wouldn’t drive by his favorite bakery in the morning. However, one day, he came into work with a big coffee cake. His coworkers started to scorn him and he said that he could explain. He said you see I accidentally drove past my favorite bakery today and I saw all these delicious coffee cakes out on the display case. So I prayed. I prayed to God and said, ‘if you really think I should have this delicious coffee cake, have an open parking spot right in front of the bakery.’ And soon enough there was one on my 8th time around!
Women drivers amirite? This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds … to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!
Why did the hipster burn himself? He drank coffee before it was cool
What’s black and never works? Decaf coffee.
BLONDE’S THERMOS A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.’ ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked? ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied. Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’ The blond replied……’Two Popsicles and some coffee.’
The thermos A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. Why, it’s a thermos. The clerk replies. What does it do? The man asks. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The clerk replies. By golly, that’s amazing! The man replies. So he buys the thermos. The next day he’s walking down the street when he sees his friends. What’s that? They ask. Why, it’s a thermos. The man replies. What does it do? The friends ask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The man replies. By golly that’s amazing! The friends exclaim, what do you have in it? Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.
I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me… That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
Ted Was Worried… [LONG] Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair. I think she’s having an affair with Greg from sales he told me. I asked him what makes you think that? Ah, well he explained Whenever my wife has a coffee, she mixes in a teaspoon of honey, then takes a sip and says mmm, just like mama used to make I nod So when I went to the break room, i saw Greg, and he made himself a coffee… I nod …and he takes a teaspoon of honey and mixes it in, then he looks me straight in the eyes and says I fucked your wife .
My boss is a great guy He always wants to hang out after hours for a drink and a laugh. My wife and kids sometimes finds it a bit awkward though. For instance, last night he was at our house with a bottle of scotch. Insisted on staying until we’d finished it. He was a bit too lit so my wife offered to make coffee before he left. Fortunately, he hadn’t forgotten to bring a bottle of bourbon. My wife’s pretty supportive though. Later he asked if she’d like to go out back behind the shed to discuss my future job prospects. She quietly suggested she’d rather I be let go. The next morning was rough. I showed up late pretty well hung over and almost was fired. He warned I needed to work on raising my tolerance. Good thing he has a bottle squirreled away in his desk drawer. And filing cabinet. Not to mention the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Fuck if getting unemployment benefits isn’t tough around here!
Guy has a bad eye pain Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye. The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening. After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?! The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.
A pink elephant walks into an auditorium rented to host the society of materialist philosophers Strolling in, the animal approached a convention organizer. Ah, you’re here, the man said. Do you have your powerpoint? The pink elephant raised a USB stick and tooted his snout. Excellent, he replied, ticking off a box on his checklist. You’re scheduled to go on at 10am. Refreshments are over there. The man pointed at a table with muffins and coffee. That’s a problem, replied the pink elephant. I only eat straw. There was a pause and the man blinked. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take another antipsychotic.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, But what’s the dollar for? Well, she said, Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.
Two lines for this poor wife… A wife was sure that her husband was having an affair with their housegirl, so she laid a trap for him. one evening she suddenly sent the maid to her home 4 weekend without infoming her husband. She latter went on and slept on the maid’s bed and switched off the lights. Suddenly,he came in and silently he wasted no time on words but quickly jumped on her and had sex with her vigorously.When he finished, wife said you didn’texpect me in this bed, did u? & switched the lights on. No madam replied their gateman!
An elderly man goes to a shopping mall… … And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets aggravated, walks up to the elderly man and asks Whatcha staring for old man? Haven’t you ever done anything wild and crazy before? The elderly man says Sure have. Got drunk in the Army once and had sex with a peacock. Just trying to determine if you might be my son.
A guy dies, and winds up in hell… A guy dies, and winds up in hell… Satan says, You must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. Can I see the rooms first? he asks.. Certainly. and Satan shows him the first room, whee he sees a bunch of people, on a wooden floor, standing on their heads. He thinks No way. I can’t do that for eternity He’s shown the second room, where there are a bunch of people on a metal floor, standing on their heads. He thinks I definitely can’t do that for eternity He’s shown the third and final room where, where he sees a bunch of people standing in 2 feet of horse manure, and drinking coffee. He says to himself …well I guess I could get used to the smell. I choose room 3. After 10 minutes in the room, Satan comes in and says Alright, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Angry Mother in Law A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. How’d you get down her so fast? he asked. We were just making love! Oh my God, his wife gasped, That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile. Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn’t about to start now!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
