Dog named ‘Sex’ Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he’d be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this: One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday. But, that ain’t the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, I’d like to have one, too. Then, I said, ‘You don’t understand. She’s a dog.’ He said he didn’t care how she looked. When I told him I’d had Sex since I was 5, he said, ‘You must have been an early bloomer.’ When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life. After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said, ‘Every room in the hotel was for sex.’ I said, ‘You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me, too.’ When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, ‘Me. too.’ Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, ‘Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely,’ I told him.’ He said, ‘Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Get yourself a dog.’
he Mailman saw Little Johnny on the side of the street with an old coffee can. Mailman: What have you got in that can there? Johnny: dogshit Mailman: what the fuck
Big Chief Joke Old as dirt but still funny. A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. Feathers show number of sexual partners, the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, He continued, Him? One woman, one feather. Him ? pointing to a second, older man, Three women, three feathers. The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. But you have so many feathers! The Chief proudly slapped his chest. Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall. Horrified, the female reporter said, You ought to be hung! The Chief said, Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake. The offended reporter said, You don’t have to be hostile! The Chief replied, Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style! The reporter cried, Oh, dear! No deer , said the Chief. Ass too high, run too fast!
Pavlov walks into a bar and hears a loud bell. Oh shit, he exclaims. I forgot to feed my dogs.
The original shaggy dog story. Just as a hobo reads a lost dog poster advertizing a huge reward for a lost shaggy dog, he notices a shaggy dog about to raise his hind foot against the pole. Thinking of the reward, he grabs the dog and heads for the address. It’s a very large, posh mansion, in a very wealthy area. He rings the bell, and a butler answers. May I help you, sir? Well, I saw your ads for a lost shaggy doc, and here it is. Sir, when we said a shaggy dog , we didn’t mean **that** shaggy!
A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him… What’s wrong? , one asks. I’m depressed! , he sighs, The wife and I are having troubles. What kind? Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional . Well, another woman says, if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She’s kinky. She’ll make you feel better. He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc. All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving….. Hey, what’s the matter? she asks. I thought we were going to have a scene? Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I’m outta here.
2.00$ Two guys want to really have a night of fun but between them they only have 2.00$ so Guy 1 thinks he has a brilliant idea Guy 1: I know how we can have a fun night of drinking on our 2.00$ Guy 2: O really how are we gonna do that? Guy 1: See that hotdog vendor over there? Well we will buy a hotdog and I’ll put the wiener in my pants we go out to a bar drink all we want and when it’s time to pay the tab I’ll whip the wiener out and you start sucking on it and they will kick us out Guy 2: That is actually a brilliant idea… So off the guys go to the first bar and they drink and drink and the bartender tells them it’s time to pay their tab so Guy 1 whips out the hot dog wiener and Guy 2 gets down and starts sucking on it sure enough they get thrown out with out having to pay their tab so they go to another bar and do the same thing and so on and so on they hit about 5 bars… The next morning the 2 gentlemen are discussing the night they had for only 2.00$ Guy 2: Wow what a night I still can not believe we hit all those bars and only spent 2.00$! Guy 1: I know I still can’t believe I lost that hotdog after the second bar!
Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing Name That Animal…. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, What animal is this? A cat! said Suzy. Good job. Now, what’s this animal? A dog! said Ricky. Good. Now what animal is this? she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, It’s what your mom calls your dad. I know! called out Little Johnny. A horny bastard!
How do you stop your dog from humping your leg? You suck his dick. How can you tell your dogs gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Why are there so many Asians? Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla’s Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.
The chase is on A man is driving really fast, and a police car is chasing him. Amazingly, the chase goes on for over twenty miles. The man finally stops his car and faces the wrath of the police officer. The police officer yells at him and says I’ve been chasing you for twenty miles, you’d better have a damn good reason for not stopping. The man says, I am sorry officer, I’ve had a really bad week. I got fired on Monday, my dog died on Tuesday, the bank foreclosed on Wednesday and just last night my wife ran off with a police officer. The reason I didn’t stop was that I thought you were the police officer trying to bring her back.
Store Policy CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT: Do you have a dog? CUSTOMER: Yes. CHECKOUT: Where is he? CUSTOMER: He’s at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the customer returns. CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT: Do you have a cat? CUSTOMER: Yes. CHECKOUT: Well…where is he? CUSTOMER: He’s at home! CHECKOUT: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the customer returns. CHECKOUT: What’s in the sack? CUSTOMER: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT: Hmmm…It’s warm and moist! What is it? CUSTOMER: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
I was at my friend’s house the other day and saw his dog licking its balls. Oh, I wish I could do that I said, my friend then replied back Give him a biscuit and he might let you
Drunks run through stop signs, stoners wait for them to turn green and saw his dog licking its balls. Oh, I wish I could do that I said, my friend then replied back Give him a biscuit and he might let you
A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before long he is helping an RSPCA officer unload equipment from the back of a van. Officer Terry removes a long pointy stick, a pair of handcuffs, a double barrel shotgun, and a huge Pit Bull Terrier on a chain. As the pair make their way towards the tree, they see the Gorilla, hanging out, swinging lazily from branch to branch. Terry begins to explain in a thick Australian accent: Very simple operation this, basically I climb a little ways up into this tree here, give our hairy friend a couple of jabs with this pointy stick. Sure enough, he’ll lose his grip and come crashing down. This is where you come in, mate- you’re gonna want to let that dog off the chain. Pit Bull he is, bred special for the job. He’ll go straight for that Gorilla’s balls, lock his jaws together tight and won’t let go til he’s torn those bollocks right off. Terry clocks the horrified expression on the man’s face and continues, This Gorilla ain’t a dummy though, he knows all this, its in his nature see, so as soon as he hits the ground, you just watch both his hands shoot down to protect his plumbs. That’s where the handcuffs come in mate – you ‘cuff him, we load him in the van, and your gorilla problems are over, mate. What d’ya reckon? The man mulls all this over for minute, understandably a little skeptical, but finally agrees, and Terry starts his climb up into the tree. With Terry about half way up, the man calls out, What’s the shotgun for? Terry stops climbing and turns, deadly serious for the first time all morning, If I fall, shoot the fuckin’ dog.
French Jokes. Q And A: Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? A: Put a sign up that says no nudity Q: Why do French People eat snails? A: Because they don’t like fast food! Q: How does every French joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: What is the Guillotine? A: A French chopping centre. Q: Which ghost was president of France? A: Charles de Ghoul. Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? A: He was declared to be in Seine. Q: Did you hear about the winner of the French beauty contest? A: Me neither. Q: What do you call an Frenchman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee. Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in France? A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin. Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A: A salesman. Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes? A: In France. Q: Did you hear about the brave Frenchman? A: Oh you didn’t. Well don’t feel bad no one else has either. Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman? A: Fill his underpants with water. Q: How do you kill a Frenchman? A: Slam the toilet seat down when he’s getting a drink. Q: How did the French react to German reunification? A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers. Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back? A: Jacques Chirac. Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president? A: Jacques ChIraq. Q: What’s the best place to hide your money? A: Under a Frenchman’s soap. Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman? A: Reverse! Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Q: The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear? A: Track shoes. Q: How do you sink a French battleship? A: Put it in water. Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training? A: How to surrender in 17 different languages. Q: Why don’t the French eat M&M candies? A: They’re too hard to peel. Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war. Q: What’s the difference between Frenchmen and toast? A: You can make soldiers out of toast. Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: Shoot the guy that’s pushing it. Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you? A: Take the pin out and throw it back. Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap. Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it. Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps? A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful) Q: What’s the motto of the French Army? A: Stop, drop, and run! Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say CHARGE! Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage? A: Their armpits. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap? A: The bucket The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves. Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac’s ass? A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!! Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country? A: I don’t know either, its never happened! Q: What Does Maginot Line mean in French? A: Speed bump ahead Q: What’s the new French flag look like? A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background! Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries? A: Courage!! Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? A: People were confused about which side to spit on. Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof? A: 3 if you slice them thin enough. Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day! Q.Why don’t the French really want the US to attack Iraq? A. They don’t want their record for surrender broken. Q: Why do French people always wear yellow? A: To match the color of their blood! Q: What’s the easiest way to get lung cancer? A: Breath the air in Paris! Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a French flag? A: In case they want to surrender! Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate? A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself! Q: Why do the French never perform the wave at a soccer game? A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war. Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common? A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless. Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor? A: by the ears… Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish? A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. Q: Do you know why the French invented perfume? A: Hey, *you* try sleeping with a French woman. Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else? A: The quiche of death. Q: Why are so many French born by C-section? A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole? Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? A: Linoleum blownapart(Napoleon Bonaparte) Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better. Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? A: So the Germans could march in the shade. Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris? A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn’t even finished coloring in the second one! Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A: Bisexual. Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning? A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well. Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It’s a shame, too – he was by far the best vet in town. Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand? A: More sand. Q: Why do French men have moustaches? A: To remind them of their mothers. Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris? A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A: The Army. Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen??? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: do Frenchmen always were yellow ties ? A: to match the teeth A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman says That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it? The Parrot says I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII? A: Table for One Hundred Thousand? . Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your backyard? A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant! Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry. A: A good days hunting. Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen? A. Stop laughing and re-load!! [A French Waiter] French Waiter Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup? So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm. Well why don’t you just stick it up your ass? I do sir, but I’ve got to serve customers occasionally… [Geography Test] Capital Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France. Fred, said his father, why do you want Calais to be the capital of France? Because that’s what I wrote in my geography test! [The American And The Frenchman] This American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast. A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America. The American Guy ignores him. What have you got on that bread? Jam? In France we eat only the freshest fruit & put the seeds & pits into containers & send it to America to make your jam. Well let me ask you one question. Do you have sex over there in France? Oh Oiu, Oiu, you know we do. What do you do with the used condoms? Oh flush them down the toilet of course. Well here in America we put them into containers & sell them to France as bubble gum. [The Foreigner] Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say Me me me me me me. Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say He stole my dolly And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say Big butcher knife big butcher knife. Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say Plug it in Plug it in. Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said Who killed this man? The foreigner said Me me me me me me me. The police said Why did you kill him? And the man said He stole my dolly. The police man said What did you kill him with? The man said Big butcher knife big butcher knife. Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death. The police man said any last words? And the foreigner said Plug it in plug it in. [The Bunny And The Snake] Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my, said the bunny, I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am. It’s quite OK, replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you. Oh, that would be wonderful replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit. Oh, thank you! Thank you, cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I’d say you must be French. [The French General And The British Major] During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing that stupid red tunic. The French general said, Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you. The British major replied, If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared. The French general said, That is a very good idea, The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, From now on all French officers will wear brown pants. [U.N. Meeting] Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun! The crowd was shocked murmurs and exclamations of How could this be! were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, I’m sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun. The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean. Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador’s ear. He bowed deeply and said, My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean. It was now the French ambassador’s turn to make announcement of France’s contribution. He stood and looked around, We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses! Now the UN meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses. [Famous French Quotes] Famous quotes about the French: I just love the French. They taste like chicken! —- Hannibal Lecter France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. —Mark Twain I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. — General George S. Patton The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know. — P.J O’Rourke (1989) . [The American And The French Woman] The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat. The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat? The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, Please, lady. May I sit there? . I’m very tired. The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant….Imagine! The American didn’t say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window. [New Brains For Old] Three guys are walking down a street when they see a new store with a sign that reads, CELEBRITY BRAIN SHOPPE, REPLACE YOUR BRAIN WITH THAT OF A DECEASED CELEBRITY All three decide to go in and give it a shot. The first guy walks up to the counter and says Hello, I’d like to buy a brain to which the clerk replied who would you like? The guy thinks and decides on actor Sylvester Stallone’s brain. The clerk types on his computer and says, okay, that will be 3,000 dollars. The guy pays and leaves. The second guy walks up and says hello, I’d like to buy a brain to which the clerk replies Who would you like? The guy thinks for a moment and decides on singer Mick Jagger’s brain. The clerk types on his computers and says, Okay, that will be 4,000 dollars. The guy pays and then leaves. The Third guy walks up to the counter and says hello, I’d like to buy a brain. to which the clerk replies who would you like? The guy thinks long and hard and then eventually decides on former French president Chirac. The clerk types on his computer and then says, okay, that will be 1.6 million dollars! The guy’s jaw drops 1.3 million dollars! Why does Chirac’s brain cost so damn much? The clerk replies, well sir, it’s never been used. [The Englishman And The Aliens] An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, Rule Britannia . He had sung the first line, When Britain first at heaven’s command … , when some aliens saw him. The aliens decided to conduct an experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his boat. To their astonishment, he continued to sing, When Britain first at heaven’s command… . So, to continue their experiment, they removed half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain left. They were further astonished when the man continued to sing, When Britain first at heaven’s command… After discussing further, they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat. He continued to sing, Allouetta, chantez allouetta … [The Frenchman And The Landlord] A Frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The Frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. The Frenchie asks the landlord, What is that dirty camel doing in here? The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord a blow-job. The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says You want a go? to which the Frenchie replies: Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head. [The Cannibal And The Butcher] A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains to make for her family for dinner that night. She looked at the display of brains and saw that American brains were $4.95 per lb, British brains were $4.90 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. No ma’am, answered the butcher. That is the correct price. Well, why are the French brains so expensive? exclaimed the cannibal. Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains!? replied the butcher. [The American, The German And The Frenchman] Three men, an American man, a German man, and a Frenchman, completely drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation: The American: In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor high . The German says: In my country, we have highways that go straight for over a thousand miles! The Frenchman says: When I have an erection, my dick is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it! The following day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth: The American said: You know, really, some of our buildings might go over 100-floor high, but no more. The German says: You know, really, some highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more. The Frenchman said: You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one leg on it. [Bush And The French Ambassador] President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don’t stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador did not understand. It seems there is no word for bath in French. [High-Tech] George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. Oh, that was just my pager , said George. I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm. Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him incredulously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman’s posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: Marie Sainte! I’m think I’m getting a fax. [The Genie] Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. I will give you each one wish, says the genie. The American says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America. With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ – the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ – there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out. The Englishman says, Fill it up with water. [Pierre And The Gorilla] The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. First, he said, I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union. The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. Well, said Pierre, you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs. [The Frenchman, The Englishman And Claudia Schiffer] There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: ‘The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.’ And the Englishman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.’
Pavlov’s science in action. My dogs hate the sound of the smoke detector. They are absolutely terrified of it. In fact, they are so afraid of it, that every time my wife turns on the oven, they go run and hide.
Husband wants to take his wife hunting So, a husband wants to go out hunting with his wife. I’m not going out hunting! she exclaims. It’s pouring rain out there! Annoyed, the husband replies, Either you’re coming out hunting, or you’re giving me a blow job, or you’re letting me fuck you in the ass. I’m going out to get the dogs leashed up, you decide. He goes out for a few minutes and comes back in the house. Have you decided? he asks. I am NOT going out in the rain and you’re sure as hell not fucking me in the ass, so I guess I’ll blow you. She starts sucking him off before quickly spitting his dick out. Uggh! Your cock tastes like shit! The dogs didn’t want to go out either , he replies.
My father used to go out drinking all night, come home and blow chunks. why we called our dog chunks, I’ll never know.
A boy and his Father are walking down the road. As they pass an alley the boy stops and sees two dogs going at it. The boy turns to his Father and asks, *Daddy, what are those dogs doing?* The Father thinks and decides that his son is old enough and tells him the truth. Son, they are making a puppy The boy is satisfied with this answer and they continue their walk. Later that night after the boy has gone to bed, the Father and the Misses feel a little frisky and start to enjoy some romantic relations. They were quiet but not quiet enough as their bedroom door opens up and the boy catches his parents. He asks, *Daddy, what are you and Mommy doing?* The Father thinks and says: Son, we are making a baby The boy then say; *Well, can you flip Mom over, I want a puppy instead!*
A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley… The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother mommy! mommy! Guess what?! And the mom asks what? And the little girl says I went tinkle and the bullet fell out! And the mother says wow that’s great! A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says mommy! Mommy! Guess what? And the mom goes what, you went tinkle and the bullet fell out? And the girl goes yeah! Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says Mommy! Mommy! Guess what? And the mom says what, You went tinkle and the bullet fell out? And the boy says No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel… A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse, the farmer said. The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. Is this all your land? he asked. Yes, the Israeli said proudly. This is all mine! You mean this is it? This is all of it? the Texan said incredulously. Yes, yes, this is really all mine! Well, son, said the Texan, back home I’d get in my car before the sun’d come up and I’d drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I’d only be halfway across my land! Oh, yes, replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, I used to have a car like that.
How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit
Snoop Dogg tweeted that he was in one of the shark costumes during the halftime show. That wasn’t Snoop Dogg, it was just Snoop Lion.
My new French speaking friend who recently moved to our very English speaking city just got a new dog… My french buddy (we’ll call Mikey to save his dignity) got himself a new dog last week. So Mikey wanted to take him to the the dog park and since I have a well trained dog he asked me to come along to give him some pointers. So just the other day I meet him at one of the more popular dog parks in the city. Now Mikey, who is a bit darker with a thick accent is hardcore french and grew up in small town Montreal, so he’s not really the keenest on English. I say this because he named his little chocolate lab something that sounds pretty similar to Allah when spoke. Anyways, he throws little Allah on his leash and we head down toward the off leash portion of the park. It was unfortunately quite crowed on that warm January day when Mikey wanted to test the waters on what Little Allah would do off leash with other dogs around.Well that dog took off like a greyhound at the races toward the largest group of people with dogs. Mikey, who panics instantly and takes off running after him while screaming at the top of his french filled lungs ALLAH!! ALLAH!! I’LL KILL YOU!!! Mikey maybe got 15 paces before an ex k9-unit officer who was running a training course tackled him to the ground. Took me about 5 minutes to finally get off the ground and stop laughing before I could get over and explain the situation as little Allah is running around making friends all the while. Good times good times.
Trained dog A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can. Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let’s talk about the dog: it’s a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck.. The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master. Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this I can’t believe this happened look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your day was not going well.
A blind man… …enters the [KaDeWe](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaufhaus_des_Westens) in Berlin, together with his seeing eye dog. Tapping his cane, he makes his way along the displays when suddenly he stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and twirls it around above his head a couple of times. Of course, the other shoppers are upset with the commotion. Fortunately, the floor manager arrives promptly and takes charge. Sir, what *were* you doing? he demands indignantly. Oh, replies the blind man, Just looking around a bit .
A boy was riding a toy firetruck across the street, behind pulled very slowly by a rope tied to a dog… Unfortunately for the dog, the rope was tied around the dog’s testicles. I thought I’d give him some advice, so I walked on over. Now son, your dog would pull you much faster if the rope was around his neck. The little boy looked at me, and replied matter-of-factly, Yes, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!
My Dad just told me this joke. A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting next to a dog at the bar table. He comes over to the guy and says Hey, does your dog bite? No the man replies. He claps the dog and it bites his hand aggressively, blood everywhere. Ahh! I thought you said your dog doesnt bite!? ….Thats not my dog replies the man.
How many successive ‘ands’ can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense? The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ‘**The Dog**’ and ‘**and**’, and ‘**and**’ and ‘**Duck**’ .
Lame Irish joke A company was celebrating it’s 99th year in buisness and invite graphic designers to submit a concept they would use for promoting this milestone. Paddy submitted a artwork of a field with three trees, each tree being pissed on by a young boy. Dirty tree an dirty tree and dirty tree – 99 you see? He explained. The execs were amused but rejected the concept. The next year for the big One Hundredth year celebration Paddy submitted the exact same concept except each tree also had a dog taking a crap on it. Dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd he beamed 🙂
Zombie Jokes What did the Zombie say after eating Albert Einstein? Yum Yum! Good brain food! What did the Zombie say after eating Sharon Stone. Yuck! I think I just ate some skank. What did the Zombie say after half-eating Arnold Schwarzenegger? I’ll be back! What did the Zombie say after eating Sylvester Stallone? Boy that meat sure was tough and rocky! What did the Zombie say after eating Michael Jackson? Hmm…I think I go after some small boys next. What did the Zombie say after eating George Romero? Hey I don’t bite-off the hands of the one that feeds me! What did the Zombie say after eating Quentin Tarantino? People thought he had a brain, but all I got was PULP FICTION! What did the Zombie say after eating Steven Spielberg? Boy this guy has some BIG JAWS! What did the Zombie say after eating George Lucas? The FORCE was not with him, but the FART was! What did the Zombie say after eating Count Dracula? Every time I eat him, he turns into a bat in my stomach and comes out of my ASS! What did the Zombie say after eating Bill Gates? Look every body! I found a computer in his gut and it’s running Windows! What did the Zombie say after eating Ted Turner. Hmm…. I wish CNN was recording this LIVE! What did the Zombie say after eating Whoopi Goldberg? He couldn’t eat her. She was too UGLY even for his liking – the Zombie ran away screaming. What did the Zombie say after eating Jim Carrey? Boy that guy sure made me LAUGH BEFORE I ATE HIM. What did the Zombie say after eating Steven Job? He was the APPLE of my eye. What did the Zombie say after eating Paul W.S. Anderson and Milla Jovovich? Yum! Thats like eating a DOUBLE-DECKER SANDWICH. What did the Zombie say after eating Lionel Messi? You know there’s a reason why he’s called Messi, he hadn’t changed his shorts in a long time and I had to tolerate a lot of STINK while eating him. What did the Zombie say after eating Cristiano Ronaldo? Hey those aren’t real balls?! What the f**K are they??? What did the Zombie say after eating Angelina Jolie? That was the nicest looking piece of meat I ever ate! What did the Zombie have after eating Wes Craven? Nightmares the rest of his life about Freddy Krueger. What did the Zombie say after Eating Bruce Willis? Boy this guy sure DIED HARD. What did the Zombie do after eating Santa Clause? He took his place delivering presents, but eating the recipients. [ZOMBIE Q & A] Q: Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road? A: He had LOST his GUTS! Q: What is a zombie’s favorite football team? A: The Washington DEADskins! Q: What is black, white & red all over? A: A nun being EATEN by zombies! Q: How do zombies keep their hair in place? A: With SCARE spray! Q: Why did the dyslexic zombie starve to death? A: He couldn’t find any SNIAAARB! Q: What is a zombie’s favorite mode of transportation? A: SCARE-O-PLANES! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a zombie? A: FrostBITE! Q: Why did the zombie go to the orthodontist? A: To improve his BITE! Q: How do zombies tell their future? A: With their HORRORscope! Q: Why did the zombie stop teaching? A: He only had one PUPIL Q: Why did the zombie cross the road? A: He wanted to EAT the chicken! Q: What is black, white & dead all over? A: A zombie in a TUXEDO! Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail & brains all over its face? A: A zombie LEAVING the PET STORE! Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when introduced to his new girlfriend? A: Where the heck did you DIG her UP from? Q: What do little zombies play? A: CORPSES & Robbers! Q: What do vegetarian zombies crave? A: GRAAAINS…more GRAAAAAAINS! Q: What did one zombie say to the other zombie while eating a comedian? A: This tastes FUNNY! Q: What do you do if you see a zombie? A: Hope it’s HALLOWEEN! Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? A: No, they EAT the FINGERS separately! Q: How do zombies serve their country? A: In the Marine CORPSE! Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music? A: His BACH was worse than his bite! Q: What do zombies order at bars? A: A shot of To-KILL-Ya(Tequila)! Q: What does it take to become a zombie? A: DEADication! Q: What does a zombie get when he comes home late for dinner? A: The cold SHOULDER! Q: What kind of streets do zombies like best? A: DEAD end! Q: How do you know a zombie is tired? A: He’s DEAD on his feet! Q: How are zombies like computers? A: They use megaBITES! Q: What did the zombie say before his fight? A: Do you want a PIECE of me? Q: Do zombies eat dinner with their family? A: No, their family IS the dinner! Q: Why did the zombie go crazy? A: He had LOST his mind Q: Who won the zombie war? A: Nobody, it was a DEAD tie! Q: Where is the safest place in your home from a zombie? A: The LIVING room! Q: Where do zombies go swimming? A: The DEAD Sea! Q: Where do zombies go on cruises? A: The DEADiterranean Sea!
Emigrating to America Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: HOT DOGS, with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, What part of the dog did you get?
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar… Bartender says what can I get you? dog replies nothing…. I’m just looking for the man who shot my paw
Homeless and thirsty. Two homeless guys were sitting around and wanting a drink. With only a couple bucks in between them they realized that was barely one beer. Hobo A takes the money and heads out. He comes back with a pack of hot dogs. Hobo B yells at him for bringing back food instead of beer. Hobo A says Trust me. Just put one of the hot dogs in your pants. They walk into a bar and order a couple of rounds. when the bill came Hobo A unzips B’s pants and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender yells for security to throw them out immediately. Without paying the tab they get thrown out and goes to the next bar. They repeat this for 5 bars. Once they got back to their sleeping area Hobo A says See? I told you it was a great idea! Good and drunk for free! Hobo B says You have no idea. I lost the pack of hot dogs in the first bar!
How many ______ does it take to _____ a ______ ? And go. Two homeless guys were sitting around and wanting a drink. With only a couple bucks in between them they realized that was barely one beer. Hobo A takes the money and heads out. He comes back with a pack of hot dogs. Hobo B yells at him for bringing back food instead of beer. Hobo A says Trust me. Just put one of the hot dogs in your pants. They walk into a bar and order a couple of rounds. when the bill came Hobo A unzips B’s pants and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender yells for security to throw them out immediately. Without paying the tab they get thrown out and goes to the next bar. They repeat this for 5 bars. Once they got back to their sleeping area Hobo A says See? I told you it was a great idea! Good and drunk for free! Hobo B says You have no idea. I lost the pack of hot dogs in the first bar!
A guy is alone at the bar when a woman sits next to him… She says hello and he says hi back and asks why she’s there all alone. She says well, my husband left me because I’m too kinky in bed. The man, gasped and said my wife left me for the same thing. A few drinks later, they decide to go back to her place to finish the night. She sits him down on the bed, tells him to get undressed and goes into the bathroom to get ready. A few minutes later, she comes out in a leather dominatrix suit, with a gag ball and a whip and sees him putting his clothes on. She asks what he’s doing, he says I fucked your dog and shit in your purse, so I’m done
Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering where the word etymology came from… She says hello and he says hi back and asks why she’s there all alone. She says well, my husband left me because I’m too kinky in bed. The man, gasped and said my wife left me for the same thing. A few drinks later, they decide to go back to her place to finish the night. She sits him down on the bed, tells him to get undressed and goes into the bathroom to get ready. A few minutes later, she comes out in a leather dominatrix suit, with a gag ball and a whip and sees him putting his clothes on. She asks what he’s doing, he says I fucked your dog and shit in your purse, so I’m done
In honor of The Challenger disaster: proof that I have no soul. How do we know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? Her head and shoulders washed up on the shore. It was said that Christa’s pupils were hit the hardest… by the instrument panel. As she left for work that day she said to her husband you feed the dog, i’ll feed the fish. How do you know her eyes were blue? One blew one way the other blew another way. Christa used to teach Social Studies …now she’s History What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts.
This is the sickest train joke I know. Be warned. Bruce was meant to meet his friend in a bar at midday. 12:30pm, 1pm, then 1:30pm rolls around. Just as Bruce was about to give up, his friend finally strolls in with dishevelled hair and a smug grin, Sorry I’m late mate, you won’t believe what happened to me just then… What? Well, I was walking here alongside the train tracks when I spot this lovely lady lying down with her skirt hitched up….we ended up making love missionary position, doggy style, pile driver…you name it. We did it. It was too good an opportunity to miss and the most amazing sex of my life. Did she give you a head job? Nah, couldn’t find the head.
Foreigner buys a hotdog A man from overseas comes for a vacation to the United States for the first time with his cousin. One day, while walking through the park they see a food cart with the word Hotdogs on the side. Since the man had never had a hotdog before, he decides to wait in line to buy one. When it’s his turn to buy, he hands the vendor the money and the vendor hands the man a hotdog. The man comes back to his cousin looking very disappointed. What’s wrong? The cousin asks to which the man replies I just waited in line for 10 minutes to get a hotdog and can you believe that of all the parts of the dog I got penis
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You house back, your wife back, your dog back, your truck back…
Did you know that I have sex with my wife of 15 years every night? Did you know that I have sex with my wife of 15 years every night? said one white construction worker to a black co-worker. The black man looked shocked and responded, How do you manage that? My wife of 9 years barely touches me! Well I just know a good trick, stated the white man. Every night I tell her a poem, he continued. He went on to give an example. Blondie head, Blondie head Eyes like pools of blue C’mon over here and I’ll make sweet love to you That’s genius! exclaimed the black man. I’m gonna try it tonight, he said. The next day the black man came into work with a swollen eye. What happened? asked the white man. I did just like you said but my wife just gave me this swollen eye! said the black man. Well what exactly did you say? questioned the white man. Nappy head, Nappy head Eyes like a frog C’mon over here and I’ll fuck ya like a dog -First dirty joke my father ever shared with me 🙂 -Edit: Didn’t post in a very reader friendly format
Kids’ thoughts. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10 Home is where the house is. –Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks. –Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to hell and burn eternally –but I didn’t want to upset him. –Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. –Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said Vrrrrmmmmm. Unless it was just a lawn mower. –Age 11 I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor. –Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return? or Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding? –Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15 dont forget to add yours in comments. also tell us your favourite.
Broccoli A woman walks into a grocery store. She goes up to the man who is in charge of stocking the vegetables for the day, and asks him where the broccoli is. I’m sorry ma’am, he clearly states, but, we’re out of broccoli. We’ll have more tomorrow. Befuddled, the woman leaves the produce area only to return a mere 5 minutes later. Excuse me sir, She calmly says, where is the broccoli? The man, now a bit confused, looks at her and says, I’m sorry ma’am. We are out of broccoli, we’ll have more tomorrow. She leaves, seemingly frustrated, only to return a third time only 10 minutes later. (I know, how much produce is this guy stocking, right?) So she says to the man, Sir! Where is the broccoli?! He stares blankly at her, and says, ma’am, do me a favor. Spell…. Cat, like in… Catastrophe. Now she is confused, but she spells out the three letters, C – A – T . Great! he says, Now spell… Dog… like in… Dogmatic. D – O – G she says, squinting her eyes as she ponders this mans stupidity. Fantastic, now spell… Fuck… like in… Broccoli. The woman looks at him with raised eyebrows and says, There is no fuck in broccoli. That’s what I’m trying to tell you lady! Edit: Man to Ma’am
3 Native American boys ask their father how they got their names The first child asks, Father, how did I get the name Soaring Eagle? The father replies, After you were born, I walked out of the teepee, and the very first thing I saw was a majestic eagle soaring past the sun. The second child asks, Well then how did I get my name Running Bull? The father says, My son, after you were born, I walked out of the teeppee and the very first thing I saw was a beautiful bull running across the meadows The youngest son then asks, How did I get my name, Father? The father replies, Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pooping?
What’s worse than getting AIDs? Having to find out that your dog has AIDs too.
A Pirate’s Tale [Note: this joke is an all-time favorite of mine. Like The Aristocrats, the artistry to telling this joke is in the embellishment and artistry of spinning an engaging tale to setup the punchline. Your mileage may vary–this is the core of the joke.] Down along a small port town along the boat docks, an assortment of sailors, fishermen, and docksworkers were all having a pint or two after work at the local pub. As the burly bunch enjoyed their drinks and spun tales of their adventures, a crusty old man entered the establishment. Normally, a patron does not draw much attention as he enters this friendly establishment, but the noise of his wooden peg leg caught the ears of everyone. A hush of whispers swept over the bar as they all turned and noticed his wooden prosthesis, his hook, and his patched eye. The man looked around with his one blood-shot eye, sat at the end of the bar, and said in a raspy voice, Bar keep, rum. Leave the bottle. The bar was quiet for a bit until one young sailor found the courage to sit next to the old sea dog and inquire about his injuries. Pardon me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice your peg leg. I bet it has an interesting story. Would you mine telling me about it? The old man took a hard tug from his rum bottle and set it down on the bar without looking. The young man started to turn away but the old man said, Aye–yer wantin’ to know about me leg. I’ll tell ya, but be warned: it’s not for the faint o’heart. The young man moved closer, Please, sir. Tell me about your adventures! Aye, ’twas when I was about your age. I was in the company of some, let’s just say they were men of questionable business ventures. We boarded a vessel to… The old man looked around the room noticing a few interested evesdroppers and and stage whispered, we were salvaging some cargo from another vessel. One thing led to another and I found myself in the water. A steel cable had me by the ankle and me head was going under fast. I was in me grave. Me knife was no good on the cable. But, staring Davy Jones in the face, I had no choice as my leg was the only thing the knife could cut. Oh, my God, sir! said the young man. Aye, it was agonizing. The sharks would have had me but me mates pulled me to safety and took care of me leg. It took me months to recover. A crowd was gathering around the two. Another sailor asked, Sir, tell of the hook. What happened? It’s a terrible story–you don’t want to hear it. No, no. Tell us! the crowd insisted. Aye, but be warned, it’s much worse than the leg. Go on! said the young sailor eager to hear more tales. We were in port taking leave. I was a bit lonely for female companionship. I found meself with a beautiful woman who must have taken pity on me because me leg. In the middle of our pleasures, I discover she had witheld the information about her state of matrimony with the blacksmith. He burst into our quarters and, being a bit slow on me peg leg, I wasn’t able to break free from this mountain of a man. He drags me away to his shop and his fit of rage, he force me hand into a molten vessel of steel. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, sir! shouted the bartender, That’s horrible! The old man nodded looking down at his prosthesis. Aye, ’tis. But the blacksmith took pity upon me when he sobered from his rage. He made me this sharpened hook as both an apology and a reminder of what happened that night. Tell us about the eye! said the crowd of everyone in the bar. The old man refused. No, ’tis the worst of me tales. Ya don’t want to know. Tell us! they inssisted. The old man took a deep breath. Without moving his head from its prayer over his rum, his squinty eye turned to the young man. Aye, I’ll tell you. Everyone leaned in. I was on watch. It was quiet. Eerily quiet. I heard a strange noise from below one of the hatches. It was a young woman. A stow away. She promised me favors as a trade for me silence on the matter. The bar was silent in anticipation of the forthcoming details. Well, I was a young man and weak to the desires of me flesh. I accepted her offer but when she saw me injuries she had a rather suddent change of mind. What happened? She stabbed you with dagger? asked the young sailor. She scratched your eye out? asked another. No, no. She spit square into me eye. The crowd was silent for a moment. The young, now indignant, barked, Bullshit, sir. A woman’s spit your eye out? No, lad. He said holding up his steely prosthesis, It was me first day with the hook.
Doctor Jokes Patient: Doctor, I get the distinct impression that people ignore me. Doctor: Next patient! [BIG CHIEF NO SHIT] There was an Indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of his warriors to the American doctor who was staying at the frontier outpost, to get some medicine. The warrior says in a few learned words of English, Big Chief, he no shit . The doctor gave him 1 pill of mild laxative and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says Big chief, he no shit . The doctor gives him five pills of a stronger laxative to be given the chief. The next day the warrior appears at the doctor’s house yet again saying big chief, he no shit . the doctor gets exasperated and so gives the warrior a whole bottle of the strongest laxative he has got. The next day the warrior goes back to the doctor weeping. Big shit, no chief , he screamed to the doctor. A man goes to his doctor and says, I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do? The doctor replies, Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you. Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs! The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him. Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news? Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday. A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Is this her first child? the doctor queries. No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband! A man has to have his leg amputated when he was bitten by a spider. After the operation the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news. The man tells the doctor to tell him the bad new first. The doctor explains that during surgery, they cut off the wrong leg. The patient is horrified, he tells the doctor what could possibly be the good news. The doctor calmly tells the patient that his other leg is getting better. A doctor was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You’re beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, You’re cute! Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful, it was cute. She asked, What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was The drugs are wearing off! A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, You have acute appendicitis. The blonde says, That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help. There’s a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor’s convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they’re sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ”Sure,” the woman says. ”Let me go wash my hands first.” After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ”You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.” Angry at this remark, the woman says, ”Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn’t feel a thing!” Q: Why did the doctor put condoms on his ears during sex? A: He didn’t want to get hearing aids. Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ”I think you have the wrong room.” ”You put in my husband’s teeth last week, she replied. Now you have to remove them. There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure. The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”. She said,”Ok, how much do I owe you?” The doctor said, ”$300” She said, ”What! How could it cost that much?” He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan” A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, You need to stop masturbating. The guy replies, Why Doc? Am I going blind? The doctor says, No, but you’re upsetting my nurse and me. A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. The teacher calls a doctor. The girl asks the doctor for a glass of cider. Why do you want a glass of cider? the doctor asks with a puzzled look. To take away the pain, sobs the little girl. What do you mean? the doctor asks. Well, sobs the little girl. I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. [A COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS] ”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, Give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do. The injured man repies, But I don’t have the fingers! Why didn’t you bring them? the doctor asks. The injured man responds, Doc, I couldn’t pick them up. A sick patient asked his doctor, ”Flu?” The doctor replied, ”No, I came on my bicycle actually!” A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says, Doc, I’m horribly sick! The doctor looks at her and asks, Flu? No, I drove here. After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget? Nonsense, says the husband. I can remember a dish of ice cream. Well, I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it, the wife replies. My memory’s not all that bad, says the husband. No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down. He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, Hey, where’s the toast I asked for? [THE FRIDGE] Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor’s. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, There’s nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me. What do you mean? asked the doctor. Well, George responded, when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off. The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that — DAMMIT, George! Bertha bursts out, How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge? [GRANNY WITH GAS] An old lady goes to the doctor and says, I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice! The doctor says, I see. Take these pills and come back next week. The next week the old lady returns. Doctor, she says, I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens. The doctor says, Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing. A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam. After a moment, he says, You have an unusually deep vagina. The woman replies, You don’t have to say it twice. The doctor says, I didn’t. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? A: Wet noses. Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor? Because things were looking a little fuzzy. Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I’m happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. Girl: Wow! That’s great! Why? Dermatologist: There’s no more space. An army doctor visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: What’s your problem, Soldier? Chronic syphilis, Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day. What’s your ambition? To get back to the front, Sir. Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bed. What’s your problem, Soldier? Chronic piles, Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day. What’s your ambition? To get back to the front, Sir. Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bed. What’s your problem, Soldier? Chronic gum disease, Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day. What’s your ambition? To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, Is my time up? God said, No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car? God replied, I didn’t recognize you. A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened! She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, I’ve never seen anything like this. How far down does it go? She says, All the way down to my penis! And that’s the other thing we have to talk about! [Beyond Impotent] A woman tells her doctor, My husband is 300% impotent. The doctor asks her, I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate? She replies, Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger. Q: Why did Santa have go to the doctor to have his balls removed? A: Because he’d carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times. Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor’s office? A: It was feeling crummy. Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? A: The head nurse. A lady with a frog stuck to her head went to the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked her what was wrong, the frog replied, I’ve got something stuck to my ass! [A Few Good Lawyers] A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. What the hell do you think you’re doing? I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line. Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you? Q: How do crabs leave the hospital? A: On crutches. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the doctor’s dance? A: He had no body to go with. Q: What kind of dog hears voices? A: A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic. [Male & Female Brains] One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ”Well, why is that, sir?” The doctor answered, The men’s brains cost more, for they have never been used. [The Heart Of The Matter] A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. I do have three hearts, said the doctor. The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000. Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life! Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used. An old woman goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, I need to do stool, blood and urine tests. The woman says, Well, can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour. [Medicinal Marijuana] Why can’t you shoot up marijuana? Because you’ll get a budclot! [Laughter Is the Best Medicine] Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis. [The Cure for Mutes] One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor’s card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor’s office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute’s ass. The mute screamed, AY!AY!AY! The doctor said, very good we will work on the B’s tomorrow. Doctor, doctor! I need glasses! You certainly do, ma’am. This is a barber shop. [The Newlyweds and the Doorknob] A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ”OK, honey,” he says, ”this is what we’ll do. I’ll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We’ll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we’ll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.” The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn’t have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ”Doc, doc, how bad is it?” ”That’s nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven’t gotten her off the doorknob.” [Hillbilly Newlyweds] A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. ”Now, do you understand?” he asked. ”I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?” A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news: He had cancer and Alzheimer’s. The man replied, ‘ Well, at least I don’t have cancer. A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says, We’re going to have to remove your legs. Then the guy asks for the good news. The nurse says, The guy beside you offers to buy your sneakers. Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there? It’s to keep them from rolling out of bed. Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A: To draw blood. Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twelve. One to do it, one to chart it and ten to write the policy and procedure. Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope. Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room! Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can’t see him!! Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? She woke up with a kernel between her legs. Q: What’s green and eats nuts? A: Syphilis A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts. [Ladies At the Doctor’s Office] Ladies, what’s the first thing we do when they put us in the room and tell us to get undressed? Look around and say, ‘Now where am I gonna hide my panties?’ Don’t you roll them up and stick them in your purse? Or you tuck them down in your shoe? I hid mine so well the other day, I still can’t find them. A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says, Doctor, I need to lose weight fast. The doctor replies, Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt. Two months later, she comes in and says, Doctor, it’s a dream come true. I’m half the size I was. But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, Where did you get this twitch? The woman replies, I don’t have a nervous twitch; I’m chewing bubble gum. A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, Show me where. The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, Ouch! Then she touched her leg and screamed, Ouch! She touched her nose and cried, Ouch! She looked at her doctor and said, See? It hurts everywhere! The doctor laughed and said, Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken index finger. [The Painter’s Eyesight] A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career. After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office. When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office? Thank God I’m not a gynecologist. Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I’ll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid! A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, Don’t move — I’ll be right back. When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, How did you get that in your mouth, you can’t even move? Then the man said, I hiccupped. Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can. A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor and told him, The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron. The doctor asked her, What about the other ear? She replied, They called back.
Blame the dog A guy goes to pick up his date for the prom. His dates’ dad answers the door. Dad: come in, let’s talk. The guy takes a seat next to his date’s dog sparky. He really has to fart… Though he tries his best to hold it, he accidentally lets a small fart out. pop! Dad: sparky Thinking he’s in the clear, the guy does it again. pop! Dad: sparky! With relief and growing confidence, he decides to let it all out. POP! Dad: sparky get over here before this guy shits all over you!
