A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert… next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says: I’m so hot right now. I cant take it anymore . The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: Wow!I didn’t know dogs could talk . Then suddenly the horse says: Neither did I!!
A horse walks into a bar A horse walks into a bar and says bartender, scotch on the rocks please! The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says did.. did you just talk?! Yes I have, why? Said the horse It’s just, incredible! I’ve never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills! The horse replied why? Are they short on electricians?
Thank God Jack strode into John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. Listen here said John, I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, fine with me, can I take him for a test run? Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead stop! screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. yoyo screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered heyhey! Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction Thank God.
What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve For those that don’t get it (cause there will be at least one), Christopher Walken is an actor and his last name sounds like walking . Christopher Reeve was an actor who fell off a horse and couldn’t use his legs (the opposite of walking).
The Old Amish Lady and the Police Officer One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else? So the officer does a routine inspection of the ‘vehicle’ and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles. He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that her husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, That’s simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else? After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, I can’t quite remember. Something about the emergency brake.
Some gross leper jokes… I warned you… **What did the leper card player do when he got a crappy deal?** He threw in his hand. **Did you hear about the leper cowboy?** He threw his leg over his horse. **Did you hear about the leper wanker?** It came off in his hand. **What did the leper say to he prostitute?** Keep the tip! **What do you call a leper in a bathtub?** Porridge. **Did you hear what happened to the leper who walked into a screen door?** He strained himself. **Why did the leper get kicked out of the colony?** For dipping his bread in his friends neck.
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walks into a bar.. .. upon assuming the beginning of a joke, he slams the nearest patron’s face into the bar. Snarling, he grabs a beer bottle from the unconscious man’s vicinity.. A drunken louse approaches him to attack and gets several lacerations from the subsequent bottle being smashed against his temple. No more joking , says the prederapriest as he approaches the bar tender and the frightened man pulls a shotgun from somewhere below the counter. His attempt to arm himself is in vain as the back of his hand is sliced with the jagged beer bottle and the gun is jerked from him. The prederapriest snarls a warning and empties the chamber of shells, then sits down. W-what the FUCK, man? stammers the tender. Give me a shot of whiskey. The fuck.. You just come in here and bust this place up.. And you think I’ll serve you? The deviant glances behind him, through the pub’s glass doors, noting a draft horse looking into the bar. The horse pushes open the door, walking in, appreciating the break from cliche. Yeah.. And one for my friend. He’s had.. A long day.
A horse with a bucket of quarters A man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a bucket of quarters. A man asks the bartender ‘whats going on there?’ To which the bartender replys ‘make the horse laugh and you get the bucket.’ So the man whispers into the horses ear and the horse busts out laughing. The next day the same man went to the same bar and there stood the horse with the bucket of quarters. The bartender tells the man ‘tonight make the horse cry and the bucket is yours.’ So the man took the horse out the back door and the horse came back in crying. ‘Thats pretty inpressive’ proclaimed the bartender ‘how did you do it?’ The man replied ‘well on the first day I told him my dick was bigger than his and on the secomd day I proved it’
Innocence, Frustration, Agony, what are they really? Innocence : Nuns doing squats in a cucumber field. Frustration : Attempting to pin diarrhea to a wall. Agony : A horse in a wet suit with an erection. Can anyone else come up with ones for: Benevolence, Joy and Fury?
Two cowboys were riding their horses checking a line of fence and came across a calf with her head caught in a hole in the fence. One of the cowboys got off his horse and looking around, noticed there was no one else around but the two of them. He then dropped his pants and started to have sex with the calf. He then turned to his partner and said You got to try this. So the other cowboy got off his horse, looked around, then dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence.
Eomer gets off of his horse and says, What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? A nearby horseman answers, Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!
The man at the circus. A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus. Oh, so you’re looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do? I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly. Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that’s not anything we’d want here at this circus. Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods? A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus. Oh, so you’re looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do? I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly. Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that’s not anything we’d want here at this circus. Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.
Men will be men!! A husband went to police station for filing report for his missing wife. **Husb** : I lost my wife(mitsy), she went for shopping & still not reached home yet. **Inspector** : What is her height ? **Husb** : I never noticed. **Inspector** : Slim or healthy ? **Husb** : Not slim can be healthy. **Inspector** : Colour of eyes ? **Husb** : Never noticed. **Inspector** : Colour of hair ? **Husb** : Changes according to season. **Inspector** : What was she wearing? **Husb** : some kinda suit…I don’t remember exactly. **Inspector** : Was she going in a car?? **Husb** : yes. **Inspector** : can you tell me the number, name & color of the car ? **Husb** : black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre, V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip-tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then…… **Inspector** : Don’t worry sir…we will find your car 😉
CATHOLIC HORSES A bloke was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bloke made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!’ The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.’
A long, furry pun… Ever since Jeff was a small boy, he has had a fondness for cute and furry animals. He loved movies with cartoon characters like Thumper, Pooh, and Tigger. His parents indulged him, buying plush toys and teddy bears. He never outgrew his fascination, and as a young man took a job as an assistant at a veterinary clinic so he could be around animals. In the meantime, he taught himself how to cut and sew furry costumes. He got quite good at this, making fantastically detailed versions of his favourite cartoon animals as well as his own creations. But he was lonely in his obsession. He knew others wouldn’t appreciate his efforts so he was reduced to wearing his beautiful creations alone in his small apartment in the back of the veterinary clinic. So imagine his elation one day when, playing around on the internet, he discovered Furries. Here was a whole subculture of like-minded people. He began communicating with other Furries, joined organizations, signed up for the newsletter, he even got the T-shirt. Then he learned that a large Furry convention was to be held in his city. He pre-purchased his ticket and began to work furiously on a new costume. One that could win first prize at the convention. Convention weekend finally came and on the first day he had the time of his life. For the first time he was among people like himself, and everyone was in glorious costume. He even met a cute little vixen, and they talked for hours. The next day he worked all day finishing his new costume. He wanted it to be perfect. The judging was to be that evening and he wanted to impress the little vixen and he wanted to win the contest. Just as he was finishing up he checked the time and saw that if he didn’t hurry he would be late for the parade and judging. Just a few more stitches and he threw the costume on, (it was magnificent), ran out his apartment door and through the dark animal clinic. Unfortunately, in his haste, he hadn’t made the eye holes just right and it was hard to see in the darkened clinic. He tripped and went tumbling head first into the bin where they kept the large syringes for the horse tranquilizers. He got to his feet and turned on a light. The fur on his costume was thick enough that he hadn’t been pricked by any of the needles but he did look like a hedgehog. He pulled all the syringes out and ran through the door and down the street all the way the hotel where the convention was. What he didn’t know was that there was still one big syringe sticking right out of the top his head. He was just in time and proudly paraded in front of the judges and winked at the little vixen he spotted in the crowd. Jeff didn’t win first prize, but he did win in one of the more obscure categories. He looked at his medal and it said, First prize for the best depiction of a show tune. Puzzled, he asked the presenting judge, What show tune? *The Furry with the Syringe on Top*, of course.
Why are the reddit servers down so much? Because they’re being beaten like a dead horse.
The Cowboy and his Horse A cowboy gets captured by indians, and they decide to execute him at sundown. Before they kill him they decide to offer him one last wish. The cowboy asks to speak to his horse. The Indians bring the Cowboy his horse. The horse comes close to him, and the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse then runs off. A few hours later, the horse returns. Behind him is ten other horses, with ten naked women. The indians are pleasantly surprised. They all have a feast and enjoy the company of the naked women. They have such a good time that the decide to postpone the execution until the next day. The next day, the indians come back to the cowboy and tell him that since they enjoyed the company of the women so much, they would be willing to offer him another wish. The cowboy, again, asks to speak to his horse. The horse comes in and the cowyboy whispers in the horses’s ear: I asked you to bring the POSSE! edit: typo.
A man goes to the hospital after shoving 6 toy horses in his ass… After a thorough inspection, the doctor stated his condition was stable.
Inventors Tesla, Ford, and Edison were all standing on a stage, presenting their latest findings. Tesla strolled forward and announced that he had invented a brand new way to transmit energy through the air! The crowd clapped politely. Ford was next, and pulled the cover off a large engine. He had discovered a way to create horse less carriages! The crowd gasped and clapped louder. Edison took two steps to the left and threw up his arms to announce that he had invented a revolutionary new way to send electricity through the very air! The crowd went wild.
Johnny and the Circuis Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn’t mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. That’s it he says. I’m going to get myself a job so I can see the circus. The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town. As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. The excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he’s been waiting for all these years…The Big Top. Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat at the front. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It’s a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone’s favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says Now we’d like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show. All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly wets his pants with excitement. He can’t believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says.. Hey mister, are you the horse’s head? No. Johnny replies. Are you the horse’s ear? No Are you the horse’s tail? No Then you must be the horse’s ASS!!!! And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny’s expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He’s annoyed as all hell. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he’ll get his revenge on the clown. As he’s walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning….and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever! The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad. **INSULT SCHOOL** *Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you’ll be verbally attacking people with vigor!* ‘This is just what I need!!! says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrols the next day. So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. He’s studied witty retorts and comebacks so much that he becones an expert in the field and the school’s top student.On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off. Then his day arrives… As soon as the circus opens its gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man, he’s a comeback master hellbent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off. He sees all the regular stuff. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He’s so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts… The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it’s the same act they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says Now we’d like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show. All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says.. Hey mister, are you the horse’s head? No. Johnny replies. Are you the horse’s ear? No Are you the horse’s tail? No Then you must be the horse’s ASS!!!! And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny’s moment. He takes a deep breath, calmly grabs the the microphone, looks the clown dead in the eyes and says… FUCK YOU, CLOWN!
Alternate Universe In an alternate universe where the Fire Nation are a group of hackers who relentlessly troll the rest of the world, after spreading a virus to the Air nomads via Trojan Horse embedded in a funny cat photo, would Katara say Everything changed when the Fire Nation attached?
How come no baby train? Back then, my father took a ride on the Union Pacific, and he overheard this conversation between a mother and her little girl: Mommy, mommy, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn’t have a baby train? I dunno, sweetheart. I guess you should ask the conductor. Well, here he comes! The conductor comes around, and as he goes by the little girl’s seat, she asks him: Mister conductor, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn’t have a baby train? My little girl, that’s because Union Pacific always pulls out on time!
THE HORTH WHITHPERER A bloke calls his mate, a horse breeder, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’ ‘That’s easy. He’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’ So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. ‘A female horth.’ So he shows him a prized filly. Nithe lookin’ horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’ So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’ So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. Nithe earzth, can I thee her mouf?’ The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?’ Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him to the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. ‘Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?’
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass . The doctor described his condition as stable.
Chastity belt During the crusades a knight was about to leave for the holy land , but he was worried about his wife. He wanted to ensure her faithfulness till his return. So he had a chastity belt made and tied it around his wife, as he was about to leave he thought , that what if he loses the key in the confusion of battle , what will he do then , so he decides to leave the key in the care of his best friend . As he rode off to the crusades , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw his friend tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying Come back! you gave me the wrong key
A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says, hey we’ve got a drink named after you . The horse responded, what, Eric, really ?
So I was eating my grandma out yesterday… When I tongued the familiar taste of horse semen, which is when I realized how my grandma died.
So a horse walks into a bar…… and the bartender asks Why the fuck is there a horse in my bar?
Horse problems A classic I first heard from my grandpa. Rufus and Ludgate, a couple of rather rural neighbors, each decided to buy a horse one summer. Since they were neighbors, they decided it made sense to pasture the horses together in the same field. Before turning them loose, they talked about how to tell them apart. After endless ideas, Rufus finally said to Ludgate, Well, why don’t I cut the mane short on mine, and you cut the tail short on yours? This seemed like the perfect solution to the problem, so the horses were trimmed in no time. The fall came along, and the winter, and come spring, Ludgate wanted to sell his horse. He quickly realized he had a problem: time had run its course, and both horses had long manes and tails. He called up Rufus to deliver the shocking news. The two pondered the situation for a while, and finally Rufus had the answer: Ludgate, why don’t you just sell the brown one and I’ll keep the white one?
I used to be into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia… … until I realized I was beating a dead horse.
She was only the stableman’s daughter but all the horsemen knew her.
policeman VS little girl A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that? Yes, replies the little girl. Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did! Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it.
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face? The horse says that’s offensive asshole! -The one and only OG Nipple
A man retires from his job as a horse-breeder… A man who has been breeding horses for his entire life has to retire due to age. He is depressed as his job was his passion so he seeks a psychiatrist about the problem. So what is it that burdens you? asks the psychiatrist. See I used to breed horses for a living. he said and started sobbing. go on… says the psychiatrist. Well now im to old and I can no longer breed. the man says. The psychiatrist looks chocked, rushes up to him and goes mouth to mouth. The man frowns and yells I SAID BREED NOT BREATHE!! The psychiatrist whispers: *I know.*
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse. Wife: Sorry..! Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again Husband: What now..? Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.
The unfaithful wife and talking sacks So, there was this one couple, a farmer and his wife, who lived together for too long and their sex life was boring, to say the least. One day the husband went away to a horse show in a difrerent state and the wife decided to try something new. She went on craigslist and posted an ad looking for some company. Within minutes, she had hundreds of replies, a lot of them including pictures of some really good-looking guys. The wife could not decide, so she invited not one, not two, but three guys over to her house! She ran to thr grocery store and bought some liquor, deciding that they should get wasted first and have a little party and then see where things might lead. Pretty soon the guys showed up, and in real life they looked even better. They all were chilling on the porch, sipping their booze and having a really fine time-things just started getting more interesting- when the wife all of a sudden spotted her husband’s bright red truck in the distance. -Oh no! My husband is back already! Quick, guys! Hide somewhere! However, there weren’t many good hiding spots in or around the house. Then suddenly one of the men spotted some burlap sacks lying in the backyard next to the barn. Each guy climbed into a sack and curled up in a fetal position, afraid to move. Soon they heard a man’s voice: -Hey honey, I am back! The horse fair ended early! Then the husband walked out to the backyard and noticed the sacks. -Heey, what’s that? -Oh, that? While you were gone, I got bored and went to a local farm fair myself. These are the prizes I won! -Reeally? Lemme see what’s in there. The husband approaches the first sack and gives it a nice kick with his cowboy boot. -Oink! Oink! – the first guy yelps -Must be a piglet, niiice- says the farmer and kicks the second bag -Baa! – screams the second guy – A sheep? Really good! – says the farmer.- Now let’s see what’s in here- and he gives the third sack a solid kick. Silence. -Hmm, weird- says the farmer and gives the sack a harder kick. Silence again. – What the hell,- says the farmer and kicks the bag as it it was a freaking soccer ball. Then, suddenly the sack yells: – Don’t you fucking get it, dimwit?! If you kicked and there’s no sound, it must be potatoes!
So Five Night’s at Freddy’s 3 was announced Is it going to have a dead horse animatronic that you have to beat?
Late Returning The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here. The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late. Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here. The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but… Let me guess, the General interrupted, it broke down. No, said the G.I., there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.
So a guy came into a bar… No… wait, it was a horse. So a guy came into a horse…
I was eating out this girl the other day and there was Horse semen in there and I was like Damn,Grandma that is how you died
Sick horse Once upon a time, a horse got really sick, and the vet said to the farmer that he must put it down if he didn’t recover in three days. The sheep heard everything and ran to the horse and said: Get up , but the horse was very tired. The sheep did the same in the next day with no luck at all. And on the third day, he said: Get up or they’ll kill you . And the scared horse got up on his feet really quick. The farmer said: What a good news. Dinner is at my house tonight, friends. We’re having mutton .
Horse taming A new bar opened and the main attraction of this place is a talking Stallion. After a few Weeks the Horse is depressed and cursing all the time, so the bartender tries everything to cheer the horse up, nothing works. Then he starts offering a night of free drinks for the person that can cheer up the horse. A guy volunteers and takes the horse outside for a brief moment. They both come back and the horse is laughing its lungs out. well… after 2 weeks the horse still laughs and now the bartender wants to reverse the whole thing, again for free drinks. Fortunately the same guy who made it laugh is there again and takes the horse out for a second time, they return and the horse is even more depressed than before. The Bartender calls the guy up and tells him: If you tell me how you did that, you’ll never have to pay a drink here again the guys replies calmly: Sure, 2 weeks ago i told your horse that my cock is longer than his and today i took it out.
Worth the read. The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to climb: Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a lady’s house and tell her to mind them. Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus. The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and Ben Jonson. Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London. Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare time. Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave’s Energy. The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell’s stalactites. The plural of spouse is spice. Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak. The law allowing only one wife is called monotony. When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births, marriages and deaths for a year. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their spare time they do lots of carving. Every one needs a holiday from one year’s end to another. The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas, fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another sprung up. Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it afterward. The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he liked. Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous. The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and Archangels. Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man’s insides out and his outsides off. Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss. A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette. Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are only just dead A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air. The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon drawing it in again The liver is an infernal organ of the body. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot. General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes. A buttress is the wife of a butler. The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was born in a frying-pan. A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion. A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved. Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada. A schoolmaster is called a pedigree. The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate. The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable. The American war was started because the people would persist in sending their parcels thru the post without stamps. Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed again. The heart is located on the west side of the body. Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real fate is uncertain. Subjects have a right to partition the king. A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin’ up an’ distubin’ the earth. He had nothing left to live for but to die. Franklin’s education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin’s father was a tallow chandelier. Monastery is the place for monsters. Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over. The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies. Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog’s tail will kill a man. A mosquito is the child of black and white parents. An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his head. Wind is air in a hurry. The people that come to America found Indians, but no people. Shadows are rays of darkness. Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on an envelope Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant. An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole. An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feelas a red hot poker. The population of New England is too dry for farming. Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y. Filigree means a list of your descendants. The Complete Angler was written by Euclid because he knew all about angles. The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all. Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even with your mouth shut. The modern name for Gaul is vinegar. Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes. The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit preached to them. On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular. Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution. Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter. An angle is a triangle with only two sides. Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels. Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away. A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives. A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian. Vapor is dried water. The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt. The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals go after they are dead. The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying in synonyms. An abstract noun is something you can’t see when you are looking at it.
A man sits next to a beautiful professional looking woman on an airplane. Their tickets gave them seats next to eachother. Realizing his good fortune, he strikes up a conversation. So, what do you do for a living? He asked. She blushed. You’ll laugh, but I’m a sex therapist. That’s fascinating. He said automatically. It is. she agreed. You’d be surprised about what misconceptions people have about sex. Such as? Well for example, The African American male doesn’t have the largest penis. That honor goes to the American Indian. Or that Italians are the most considerate lovers. The Jewish hold that title. interesting. he says. Who has the longest stamina? He asked. That would be the Russians, as a matter of fact. Anyways, i never got your name, sir. Ivan, Ivan Kicking Horse Goldbloom. He said.
The True Origin of the Internet In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’ And she said unto Abraham, her husband, Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, How, dear? And Dot replied, I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS). Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known eBay he said, We need a name that reflects what we are. And Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. YAHOO, said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.
Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? ‘Cause horses are rubbish at drawing
An elderly man in Louisiana … … had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’ Some old men can still think fast….
Irishman’s Blacksmith Interview An Irishman goes for an interview to be a blacksmith. At the interview he’s asked ‘..so Paddy have you ever shoed a horse before?..’ To which Paddy replies ‘..no, but once I told a donkey to fuck off..’
An Irishman goes for an interview to be a blacksmith. At the interview he’s asked ‘..so Paddy have you ever shoed a horse before?..’ To which Paddy replies ‘..no, but once I told a donkey to f*ck off..’
