A Brit, a Frenchie, and a redneck are captured by savages on an island….. The savages tell them, we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes. However, before we kill you, you may have one last request The brit goes first, I’d like some poison please. He gets the poison, shouts God save the queen drinks it and dies. The Frenchie goes next, I’d like a pistol He gets the pistol, shouts Viva la France shoots himself and dies. The redneck goes last, I’d like a fork He grabs the fork, shouts fuck your canoes and starts stabbing himself repeatedly.
British Redneck Joke Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King’s Parade and their destination, St Catherine’s College of Cambridge University in order to attend a lecture by Malcolm Longair, CBE FRS on astrophysical cosmology. As the two foppish gentlemen strolled they discussed Einstein’s concern with the Lorentz transformation which left Maxwell’s equations invariant. As they approached Little St Mary’s Lane, they espied a British Bulldog, lolling about, giving his willy and bollocks a proper polishing. Bubba posited that he had a deep desire to do the same, saying I dare say, I do wish I could perform such a maneuver To which Earl Spencer responded I’m quiet sure, if you asked nicely, he would let you
(op) what does a sex doll and a terrorist have in common? (punchline and more jokes: originals-oldies-offensive… Not a compilation of last weeks reddit jokes) They both get blown up before they get any virgins Whats the best thing about dating a… French man? They go down easily Single black father? Kids aint keeping you up an night Single mom? You know she puts out White man with kids? His wife is will always be willing to watch the kids . Middle aged woman? Yeah, i don’t know either Whats the worst thing about dating a… Terrorist? They dont care if you come or not, they getting blown anyway. A professional clarinet player? They got wood in their mouth all day and when they get home they are blown out What does a redneck call a gang bang? Small family reunion Whys it best to rape a deaf person? No one can see them scream What do you call a Muslim thats just had sex? Osama bin laiden
What do a redneck and hippie have in common? They both hate the government.
Man meets Smoking Hot Sexologist on an Airplane… A man walks onto an airplane, and he’s cranky as hell. It was an early morning, security held him up, and all he wants to do is sleep until the plane reaches New York. However his mood does a 180 when he gets to his seat and see the most angelic blonde woman he has ever seen sitting next to him. He smiles awkwardly, receiving a warm and friendly smile from said bombshell. After about 30 minutes of sitting there he finally convinces himself to say something, So, business or pleasure? Smiling, she replies, Business actually! I’m a sexologist, and Im headed to a conference in New York . Eyes widened and breathing intensified, he says Oh really?! What does that entail? Well, my particular area of study revolves around sexual trends, stereotypes and myths , she says, and we’ve actually found some pretty exciting new stuff . Like what? Well, you know the myth that black guys have the largest dicks? , she asks. Well yeah, everyone knows that one. Its actually Native American men , she says with a smirk. Wow, I never would’ve thought of that , he said. I know right? Also, you know how they say Italians are the most attentive lovers? , she asks. Not really, but i guess it makes sense , he replies. Turns out it’s actually Jewish Men , she says. That one I really didn’t expect , he says, laughing. Well its true! We’ve also uncovered some new trends. We recently found out that on average rednecks last the longest in bed , she says. No kidding! , the man says. I’m so sorry , the woman says, Here I am talking all about myself and what I do and I don’t even know your name! The guy holds out his hand and goes, My name is Squanto Berkowitz but all my friends call me Bubba .
Why do rednecks always smell like pickles, mayonnaise, and ham? Because they’re inbred.
What do you call it when you said a redneck on fire? A firecracker
Redneck joke If’n you and your wife get divorced, and still agree to be cousins, you might be a redneck.
Movies, TV Shows, and Books summarized in 1 sentence….. add your own Moby Dick: Here fishy fishy Walking Dead: Where’s Carl? Arrested Development: Ha ha eww whoa ha ha? Italian Job: Little cars can be cool Harry Potter: Ron is a wuss Hunger Games: Hey, lets team up during a free for all Saw: Ow, ow, ow ow, owwww! Treasure Island: There is none 42: How basketball was invented Fast and Furious: Muwagggghhhhhh 2 fast 2 furious: Muwagggghhh LAME Toyko Drift: Quiet drifting Fast and Furious 4: Vin Diesel Fast 5: Ocean’s 11 with Cars Star Wars Ep 5: Redneck Family Reunion Star Wars Ep 6: Michael Bay version of New Hope Man of Steel: Osama bin Zodin Dark Knight: She wasn’t that pretty anyway Dark Knight Rises: Who would win in a fight between Darth Vader and Batman? . Catwoman? Tron Legacy: Jeff Bridges is Back Secret Garden: *takes the easy way out
My favorite joke… Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol, TN . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. ‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.
A cop pulls over a redneck The cop asks Got any ID? The redneck scratches his head, ’bout what?
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A Pimp
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump kin hope its not a repost – its one of my old favs
for those of you who are americans, a brakpan girl is something like a redneck girl… Brakpan is a place in South Africa A Brakpan girl was involved in a serious crash. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the road. Medic: OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed. Brakpan: Ok. Medic: How many fingers am I putting up? Brakpan: Oh my god I’m paralysed from the waist down!
If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump card.
You might be a redneck if… The ufo hotline limits you to 1 call per day, You mow your yard and find a car, Have less teeth than your 2 year old, Walk your child to school because your in the same grade, See a sign saying say no to crack and you pull your pants, Your dog and wallet are both on a chain, People ask to hunt in your yard, Someone shows up to your house once a day mistakenly thinking your having a yard sale.
Timbuktu rhyming contest!! The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu. The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: ‘Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination — Timbuktu. The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin’ went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there’s no dental records.
What did the Redneck say to the Muslim? Dey took R jobs!
Muslims killing gays everywhere…. …rednecks are fucking conflicted now.
You know you’re a redneck when You set an alarm to go off in 18 years right when your cousin is born
A redneck couple were starving. So the man caught a black guy… …and cooked him for dinner. The meat was so putrid that the redneck man became terribly ill. You stupid moron his wife said. You should’ve listen’d to what daddy taught us! Eat shit and die!
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud… Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!! Don’t worry, Bubba, Earl said. We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the labels and stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat. What fer? , asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin’, OK?, said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin’? No, sir, said Earl while pointing at the labels. We’re on the patch.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw
What do you call a Redneck Baker? Inbread
A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin He walks up to the host and says table for two please
A redneck broke up with his girlfriend it wasn’t all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.
What’s the difference between President Obama and a bucket of shit? The shit’s in a bucket ! *that redneck spit noise followed by a ting*
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister’s chin
Why do rednecks like to do it doggie style? So they both can watch Nascar.
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, How many people here believe in ghosts? About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? About 15 students raise their hands. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands. That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? Way in the back, Billy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience. The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, So, Billy, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost? Billy replied, Shit! From way back there I thought you said, Goats!
How do you know you are a redneck? Your family tree has no branches
A Chinese, a Russian and a redneck are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals… A Chinese. a Russian and a redneck are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals. The chief tells them: Who of sayings me number that I of no knowings, can into free. Everybody else will the make eat by tribe . The Chinese says Billion . The chief answers: Of knowings . The Russian sais: Quadrillion . The chief answers: Is of many times heard, yes . Then is the redneck’s turn. Only the redneck survived: he said A f*cking lot!
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Why are the busiest paleontologists always rednecks? Because they are always caught up in some type of relative dating.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the teeth.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Pretty good.
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There’s no dental records and all the DNA matches
Did you hear about the redneck family campout? It was fucking intense
Why couldn’t the redneck kid play baseball? Because he fell down a stairs and his dad definitely didn’t break his legs. *This joke is best told after the orphan and black kid one.For those who’ve never gone on /r/jokes before:* *orphan: because he doesn’t know where home is* *black: because he’d get shot for stealing bases*
A redneck boy runs into his house.. A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, I’ve found the girl that I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin! Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she aint’ good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours.
A redneck won’t let his son marry the girl down the way… He told his son, If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for you.
A priest, a rabbi, a blonde, a redneck, and a dog walk into a bar The bartender looks at them all and says What is this kind of joke?
What’s a redneck’s last words? Hey, Watch This!
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
What does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both in-bread Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.
74 Offensive Jokes Do not read if you are easily offended. Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it. So I’m eating at my favorite restaurant, right? And all of the sudden this jerk from security walks up to me and says I have to leave, and long story short, I’m no longer allowed at the abortion clinic. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke. What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race. What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I’m cutting up an onion. What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? They both disappear after a hot shower. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she didn’t have a seatbelt on. What’s black and found at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. What’s 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long? Cot death. Have you ever had Ethiopian food before? Neither have they. What’s the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Leukemia. Why can’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dogs. Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first visitors to Disney World? Neither did she. What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? One’s fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a fruit. What’s black and dangerous to cut through? The line at KFC. What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper. A jew with an erection runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose. How do you pick up Jewish chicks? A dustpan. How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve. What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout came back from camp. What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? You WANT the pizza to come out of the oven. What’s worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews. Why isn’t Hitler invited to barbecues? He burns all the Franks. Why did so many Jews die in Auschwitz? The exit was coin operated. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry came out of the chamber. Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands. What’s the difference between a jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney. Why can’t women ski? There’s no snow in the kitchen. If a truck driver hits a woman with his truck, who’s to blame? The truck driver, he shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen. Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove. *Graphic Content* What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape. What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? The line at the Boston Marathon. Why don’t Saudi’s have sex ed and drivers ed in the same week? To give the camels a break. How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. People say pedophiles are terrible people, but at least they slow down in school zones. What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13. What’s better than being in the special olympics? Not being retarded. What’s the best part about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s 20 of them. My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. Pretty big word for a 10 year old. *Graphic Content* What’s 5 inches, pink, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink. What kind of file is needed to stretch a hole from 10mm to 30mm? A Pedophile. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Newton’s 1st Law of Motion. I’m still looking for my ex-wife’s murderer, but no one will do it. Have you heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old. I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I wondered to myself Is that mine? . Fortunately, when I got home, it was still there, shining my shoes. What’s small, red, and climbs up your leg? A homesick abortion. My friends gave me his Epipen right before he died, he really wanted me to keep it. What do you call an abortion surgeon? Spawn camper. What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and n Afghan wedding? I don’t know man, I just fly the drones. *Graphic Content* What is worse than a pile of dead babies? The live one on the bottom eating its way out. My wife is mad at me because she caught me having sex with our child. She was really upset because our child died only three days ago. But now that I think about it, isn’t it strange the abortion clinic let us keep it? Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? It wasn’t born yesterday. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them. I like my women like I like my pizza. Sliced up and in a box. I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in a freezer. How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb. I don’t know, but I know it’s at least more than 24. *Graphic Content* What’s the hardest part of cutting up a dead baby? My erection. What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage. How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you turn off a Jew? Offswitch (say it fast). Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman. Just kidding, it’s because she’s dead. Why can’t Helen Keller have kids? Because she’s dead. What’s silver and hates kids? A coat hanger.
What’s the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren’t necessarily related.
What’s the difference between a Cowboy and a Redneck? The Cowboy rides their horse while the Redneck rides their cousin.
What’s the difference between a redneck couple, and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren’t necessarily related.
