Two blondes are stargazing in California Two blondes are stargazing in California when one says to the other, Hey, which do you think is closer: the moon or New York? The second blonde replies, Well, you can see the moon right? But you can’t see New York.
A man sees a blonde across the river. Man: How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side.
3 blondes walk into a police station… …looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him. He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says He’s only got one eye . The police chief responds, No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye. He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says He’s only got one ear . The police chief again responds, No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear. He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says He wears contact lenses. Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says That’s oddly correct. How did you know that? The blonde responds, Well with one eye and one ear, he can’t be wearing glasses.
Since puzzle jokes are the theme of the week, here’s how I first heard this one: a half-dozen blondes walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender brings out a pitcher. The blondes pour themselves a round, raise their glasses, shout TWENTY-SIX DAYS! , clink their glasses together and drain them. They order another pitcher. The bartender brings it out. The blondes pour again, raise their glasses, shout TWENTY-SIX DAYS! , clink their glasses together and drain them. They order another pitcher. The bartender brings it out, and asks, What is it you ladies are celebrating here? One of the blondes replies We finished a jigsaw puzzle that said 4-6 years, and we did it in JUST TWENTY-SIX DAYS!
A Russian, American and Blonde were in a bar… The Russian started a conversation: Russian: You know, we were the first in outer space American: Oh yeah, we landed on the moon Blonde: You know what, we’ll land on the Sun Russian (Confused): But it’s too hot American: Yeah, you’ll burn before you know what happened Blonde: I know right? THAT’S WHY I’M GOING AT NIGHT!
A magician walks up to a blonde, brunette, and a redhead… He asks them to tell him something that they think is true. If it’s not true, the person who told him that will disappear. The Brunette goes first, and says: I think I’m pretty… She disappears. Then the Redhead goes next: I think I’m popular. She, too, disappears. Finally, the Blonde goes last. She says the following: Hmm… I think… ~~Just before she could think of something, she disappeared.~~✂️ Before she could say the next word, she disappeared.
Three ladies. Three ladies went out to the flee market. A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They found a magic mirror that told them this each of you has to say something about herself, if it’s true I’ll grant you a wish but if it’s false I’ll kill you . The ladies agreed, and the redhead said i have the cutest boyfriend and the mirror killed her. The brunette said i have the prettiest car and the mirror killed her. And the blonde said wait I’m thinking and the mirror killed her. Fin.
3 ladies are celebrating in a bar.. 3 blondes are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ”what are you celebrating about?” The blondes reply ”we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.”
One day a blond walks into a doctors office One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened. She says, well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. Well that explains one ear, but what about the other. The bastard called again
Two blondes were driving along in a car… …when they came across an open field with another blond sitting in a canoe and pretending to row it. One blonde in the car says to the other, See, it’s things like this that gives blonde a bad reputation, if I could swim, I would go out there and bash her .
A woman gets a job at an Adult Toy Shop… and its her first day. Her manager shows her how to run the register then suddenly gets a call. He tells her has to leave but if anyone comes in to buy, sell anything she can since sales are low for the month. The Manager leaves and a few minutes later a Brunette comes in and looks around. Oh wow a purple dildo, I’ve never seen a purple one before. I’ll buy that. The cashier ringers her and tells her to have a good day. A few minutes later a redhead comes in and looks around. Oh neat a orange dildo, I’ve never seen one like that. She buys it and leaves. A few more minutes pass and a blonde walks in looking around. Oh cool! A plaid dildo, I’ve never seen one like that ever. Ill buy that! The cashier looks around to where the blonde is pointing and then looks back at her I don’t think you want that she responds. No I want that plaid one the blonde says. I don’t think you understand.. I’m the customer and I want that plaid dildo she retorts. The cashier shrugs and rings it up and the blonde leaves. A half hour passes and the manager comes back. So how are you doing? Good, I made three sales she responds. Good! What did you sell? Well two people bought dildo’s but some blonde came in and bought your thermos.
The blonde girl at school. Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde? Jenny asked. Yes, it’s because you’re blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, Jenny, said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy? Yes, it’s because you’re blonde. The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I’m blonde, mommy? No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.
Looking Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. The young guy says, That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate. The old guy says, Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like? The old guy says, Doesn’t matter – let’s look for yours.
Man asks blonde for coffee without cream. Blonde replies: We’re out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?
[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.. One of them said, I’m the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. The second surgeon said.. That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics. The third surgeon said, You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man’s blonde hair and the Horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now he’s running for President of the U..S.A!
A blonde was lying in the grass… One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky. Getting a tan? he asks. No! Do you think that just because I’m blonde I’m focussing on my looks? I’m actually a very good student and right now I’m getting a head start on my homework! Oh, I’m sorry. What class is it for? Astronomy!
A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop… when the manager says I know it is your first day and I’m really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands. Do you think you’ll be ok? The guy says it is fine and it isn’t long before he has his first customer, a white woman. Do you have any dildos? she asked Yes ma’am, we have black dildos for $20 and white ones for $30. I think I’ll take a black one, I’ve never had a black one before. She pays and leaves, and a bit of time passes before a black woman comes in and asks the same question. Black dildos are $20, white are $30 he tells her. I’ll take a white one, I’ve never had a white one before Then a blonde woman walks in and asks if they sell dildos. Yes ma’am, black ones are $20 and white are $30. Well…what’s that one up there? she asks pointing to a shelf behind the counter. Oh, the plaid dildo? It is a special edition, it costs $250. he answers. I think I’ll take the plaid dildo, I’ve never had a plaid one before . She pays and leaves and then then manager returns. So how was your first day? Any sales? the manager asks. Pretty good the guy answers. I sold a black dildo, a white dildo and I sold your Thermos for $250.
How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?? Just 1…blondes will screw anything.
A blonde boards a plane to Miami… A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn’t listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde’s ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat. Easy says the pilot, I told her first class doesn’t go to Miami
Three blondes arrive at the gates of St. Peter There’s a lot of openings in heaven, so St. Peter decides to give them an easy test. He says to them, If you can tell me what Easter is, you can come in The first blonde says, Easter is that time in November where we eat turkey and are really thankful! St. Peter was surprised by this, but nevertheless he looked at the next blonde. Easter is that time in December where we celebrate Jesus’ birth! she said. St. Peter was blown away. He looked at the last blonde, who said , Easter is that time in the spring when Jesus dies and is laid in the tomb but then comes back to life. St. Peter was just about to congratulate her on making it into heaven when she continued: Yeah, when he comes out of the tomb, if he sees his shadow, that means there’s going to be 6 more weeks of winter!
Easter joke Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter? The blonde replies, Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff… Wrong!, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, What is Easter? The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog. St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, What is Easter? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, I know what Easter is. Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously. Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
Blonde and a lawyer on a plane A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
What goes vroom rrt… vroom rrt… vroom rrt… A blond at a flashing red light.
A blind guy goes into a bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Do you want to hear a blonde joke? he asks the bartender. Well, I’m a blonde, the bouncer’s a blonde, the two guys sitting next to you are blonde, and so is the owner who’s over there playing darts. Do you still want to tell it? she asks. Then the blind guy says, No, not if I have to explain it five times .
While a blonde was driving her car…. One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck and cut him off couple of times. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so fucking funny. The blonde giggled and replied, When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times! Edit:^.^.^.^front^page^wuutt^<3
Paris Hilton comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, Paris Hilton comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It’s good, innit? Yes, darling, very good. Answers the mom. Is that because I’m blonde? she asks. Yes, darling, it’s because you’re blonde. The mom says. Next day, Paris Hilton comes back from school and says: Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It’s good, innit? Yes, darling, very good. Answers the mom. Is that because I’m blonde, mummy? she asks. Yes, darling it’s because you’re blonde. The mom says. Next Day, she returns from school and cries: Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no bre*sts, but look at me! She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. Is that because I’m blonde, mummy? No darling, it’s because you’re 25.
A blonde joke (that i didn’t make nor take credit for) A blonde wakes up one morning and decides she wants to do a puzzle. So she reaches into the cabinet and grabs a box. After 4 hours of trying to match the pieces together she finally breaks down and calls her boyfriend for help. Blonde: I’ve been trying to get this puzzle together for over four hours and I can’t even find one piece. Boyfriend: What’s the picture on the box? Blonde: A tiger with a bowl of cereal on a blue background. Boyfriend: Honey… Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
Donald Trump doesn’t play in the stock market. He prefers Junk Blondes.
A blonde- a brown- and a black haired lady See a Island with a treasure The problem is that they have to swim 100 Miles to get to the island. First the black haired woman tries it. She only manages 80 and drowns. Then the dark haired Lady gives it a try. She manages 95 but sadly drowns too. At last the Blonde tries it. She swims 60 Miles and says i can’t win this . Then she returns
Donald Trump gets elected as President of the United States of America His first move as President, he says, is to ‘remove the terrorist threat of ISIS’. And to do this he plans to drop a nuclear bomb on Syria, with the aim to ‘kill 4000 Muslims and one blonde girl with massive boobs’. One of his senior advisors leans forward and asks: Why the blonde girl with massive boobs? *You see!* Trump Says, No one gives a shit about the Muslims.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL! A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong? To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
A man is looking to spice things up… A man is getting bored with the same old same old, so he goes to a sex shop, looking to spice things up. How can I help you? a pretty blonde at the counter asks. I need half a cup of brown sugar, 2 tablespoons of chili powder, 1 tablespoon of paprika, a pinch of pepper, salt, cinnamon, and 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. Sir, the blonde explains, horrified. You realize this is a sex shop, right? I can’t imagine what you think to do those. Cayenne pepper? Ouch! I read about it online, the man explains. I have the recipe right here. He pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket and reads the title to her: How to spice up your spare rib rub.
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. Can I help you? she asks. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. The man replies, Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Shut up…you’re next! A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
A blond goes into a clothing store A blond goes into a clothing store and sees a beautiful pair of crocodile boots. How much for the boots? She asked the salesman. $400 the salesman replied. No way I would pay that much for boots! exclaimed the blond, as she quickly exited the store. Later that day, the salesman is driving home after finishing his shift, and sees the blond standing at the edge of the water, with several crocodiles lying on their backs on the shore. As he watched, amazed, the blond flawlessly flipped another crocodile out of the water… Damn, this one isn’t wearing boots either!!
Is that semen? Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says Ooooohhh that looks like semen. She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says It feels like semen. The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says It smells like semen. Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says It doesn’t taste like anyone in this building
A blonde, brunette, & a redhead rob a bank… They are fleeing from the police through an old farm and see three old burlap sacks, they each hop in one to hide. The police walk up to the brunettes sack and kick it. The brunette goes woof woof the police say oh that just a sack of puppies and move on. They come to the next sack and it’s the redheads, they kick it and the redhead yelps meow meow the police say oh it’s just a sack of kittens and move on. They come to blondes sack and kick it the blonde says, potato potato
A blonde and a brunette together watch the starry sky… The blonde wonders to herself and asks: Which do you think is closer, the moon or the North Pole? The brunette looks at her dimwittes friend incredulously, and answers: Are you dumb? The North Pole is nowhere in sight!
There were three astronauts… two women and a blond. The first woman says, I want to land on the moon The second says, I want to be the first person to land on Mars The blond says, I want to land on the Sun The other two, You know you can’t land on the Sun, you’ll burn up The blond, Don’t worry, I’m going at night.
Broke blonde. A blonde is out of a job and going door to door to make some cash. At one of the houses that she stops, an old man trying to impress his new young wife, tells the blonde that he might have some work for her the next day. He tells his wife, I’m going to have the blonde paint our entire porch for just $15. You wait and see. The wife says, If she does as you say, I will do anything you want. When the blonde returns the next day, the man hands the blonde a few gallons of paint and a paintbrush and says, I will give you $15, if you paint my porch. The broke blonde is desperate, she agrees. The old man turns to his wife, See, I told you! A few hours later, the blonde comes back and says, All done! As I had some paint remaining, I applied 2 more coats of paint. As the man is paying the blonde, she says, By the way, you don’t have a porch, it is a Ferrari.
A blonde woman walks into a library A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says I’ll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi. The lady replies Ma’am, this is a library. The blonde looks around, then whispers I’ll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi. (Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can’t remember but once I do I’m coming back to post it)
(Reverse?) Blonde Joke… So a blonde walks into a bank… So, a blonde woman goes into a bank in Downtown Manhattan, and says to the bank manager, I would like a $5000 loan please. The bank manager says, that won’t be a problem miss, but you will have to give us some collateral. The blonde women smiles, pulls her car keys out of her purse, and hands them to the bank Manager. Then she says, I can offer you my car, it is 2015 Rolls Royce Phantom. The bank manager looks incredulously at the woman and says, but miss, this car is worth half a million dollars?! Are you sure you need a $5000 loan? The women smiles and nods, and the bank manager promptly draws up the contract; the woman had to pay %4 interest per month. The woman took her $5000 and the bank manager took her car. 31 days later the blonde woman comes back into the bank and says to the manager, I am here to repay my loan, I would like my car back. The bank manager pulls up her account on the computer and says, that will be $5200 please . The woman opens her purse, pulls out $5200 cash, and places it on the counter. The bank manager hands over her car keys and says, your car is parked out front miss, but if you do not mind me asking, you seem very rich, why did you need a $5000 loan? The blonde woman smiles and says, for $200, where else could I park in Downtown Manhattan for a month?
A Guy and a blonde… …go on a date to a cheese and wine tasting place. They’re trying all sorts of cheeses with random names. Then they make it to one and the blonde says, This is delicious what’s it called? The guy says, it’s mozzarella, have you never had it before? The blonde says, Mozzarella? I thought mozzarella was a tree! puzzled the guy reiterates, no, I’m pretty sure it’s a cheese… Then where do Mozzarella Sticks come from?
blonde joke Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine? A: Knock on the door.
Did you hear about that actress who stabbed her husband in the news today? Oh my goodness, no, who was it? It was a little blonde haired woman, I always forget her last name though. The first name is Reese. Witherspoon? No, with her knife.
A blonde goes to a mechanic to ask about fixing dents in her car She asks the mechanic How can I fix the dents myself as I have no money to pay for the repairs. The Mechanic being a funny guy responds Just blow into the exhaust pipe as hard as you can and the dents will disappear . So the blonde goes home and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe. Another blonde is walking by and asks what she is doing. Getting rid of the dents by blowing into the exhaust. All the air will go inside the car and pop out the dents. You’re stupid that’s not how to fix dents. Responds the other blonde. You gotta close the windows first so all the air doesn’t escape.
50 blondes Q:What do you call fifty blondes lined up ear-to-ear? A: A wind tunnel. #ThugLyfe
A old man walks into a brothel.. So a old man walks into a brothel. I’m talking a nintey plus man with a cane shuffles his way into a whore house and tells the Madam (old man voice) give me your hottest and most flexible whore you got . She responds with are you sure you’re up to this old timer and the old man asks her does a bear shit in the woods . So a beautiful blonde girl takes him in the back room. The prostitute again asks if he is ready for what she’s about to do to him. He again responds does a bear shit in the woods . He then proceeds to pull out a pill bottle and to her surprise takes out some cotton and puts it his ears and nose. She then asks before we do this what’s the cotton for to which the old man replies well I don’t like the smell of rubber burnin’ or bitches screamin’
A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem… The redhead says why don’t you give him head and shoulders. The blonde replies how do you give shoulders?
BLOND DOG Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? A: He’s been chasing parked cars.
