Is sex work? A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure? A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
20 years A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What’s the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. Yes I do she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?’ I remember that too she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…… I would have gotten out today.
Three Doors in Hell (more than likely repost) A man dies and is sent to Hell. When he arrives he is met by Satan and told that he will join the other sinners in eternal punishment. He is also told that he has some say in this and has a decision to make as of which of three punishments he recieves. These would be behind three doors, and he would make his choice after viewing each one individually. Behind door 1, he sees everyone standing on their head while under water, not liking the idea of drowning eternally he looks at his next option. Behind door 2, he sees everyone standing on their head while being engulfed in lava. As bad as drowning, only more painful. He then goes to look at the last potential option. Behind door 3, he sees everyone standing right-side-up, waist deep in semen, drinking coffee. Overjoyed, knowing that he won’t need to drown or be on fire forever, he runs back to the devil. Not long after entering room number 3 with his coffee drinking inmates, Satan yells back, Coffee break’s over, get back on your heads!
Jokes generated by AI at the University of Edinburgh I like my relationships like I like my source: Open. I like my coffee like I like my war: Cold. I like my boys like I like my sectors: Bad. http://www.i-programmer.info/news/105-artificial-intelligence/6210-ai-is-funny-a-generative-joke-model.html
A Greek and a Scotsman A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’s cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows. The Scotsman then replies, ‘Well… it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’ The Greek retorts, ‘We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.’ The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars. And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!’ The Scotsman replies, ‘Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.’
Charlie goes to hell Charlie was very, very bad, and when he died he went to Hell, of course. He was SO bad that the Devil met him personally, shook his hand and said Charlie, just for you we are giving you a choice of not one not two but three – that’s THREE – Hells to choose from! YOU get to pick where you’ll spend eternity! Charlie, quite flattered, says lead the way! and the Devil takes him to Door Number One and opens it. Charlie looks in – and sees a huge room full of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. Charlie is a wee bit disappointed and says mmph – let’s see the next one. So the Devil takes him to Door Number Two, opens it, and Charlie sees a huge room full of people – all standing on their heads on a steel floor. Charlie isn’t sure – after all eternity is a loooong time – and says okaaaay – let’s see the next one. The Devil takes Charlie to yet another door, and opens it. OMG the SMELL!!! At first Charlie can’t even see it’s so bad and he’s coughing and choking. But when his eyes finally clear, and he can catch his breath, he sees that it’s a huge room full of people – all standing up to their knees in shit, all drinking coffee. Well at first Charlie says are you freaking kidding me?? But after mulling it over for a while, thinks Well, I’m sure I’d get used to the smell after a thousand years or so. And it’s clearly not as hard as brick or steel. And I DO like coffee… So, making up his mind, he tells the Devil, I’ll take Hell Number Three! So the Devil stands to the side saying As you wish, and Charlie wades in and takes his place, up to his knees in shit, and looks around for his coffee cup. Then the Devil takes his leave, and just as the door is closing, yells out… OK everybody – coffee break is over! Back on your heads!
I was in the restaurant yesterday… …when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Another Jehova’s Witness joke A jehovah’s witness knocks on a on a door and a man answers the door. The jehovah’s witness tells the man, I’m from Jehovah’s Witness and I have some stories I would like to share with you. The man replies, Sure, come on in. Have a seat on the couch. I just made some coffee would you like a cup? The Jehovah’s Witness agrees to the coffee and they both sit down on the couch. The man says So what are these stories you would like to share with me? The Jehovah’s Witness answers I have no idea. No one has ever gotten this far!
Its funnier if I tell it in the first person Last week I was on a plane flying from Boston to New York, as we are sitting there on the tarmac waiting for takeoff. The pilot comes on the intercom as says this is going to be a 30 minute flight and the temperature in New York is 50 degrees . After which he puts down the intercom, not realizing he had forgot to turn it off. You can hear everything that is happening in the cockpit. The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says what I could really use right now is: a cup of coffee and a blowjob . After he says this the stewardess books it to the cockpit, and I say: Don’t forget the coffee.
Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning. Ok, so it’s not a ‘joke’ joke, but that’s what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you’re really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site. Some people go, oh! And some people say, wait, the Colombian coffee merchant? and some people say, oh my god, he *did?* People always say something. And then *you* say, he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story. And you leave it there. And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun. And you’ll eventually be asked, what’s a golf gun? To which you say, don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!
10 men are about to become priests 10 men went to learn the way of priesthood. They have passed all tests and are going to go through the rite or ordination. But before, they must pass a last test is to see if they are truly ready to serve the Lord. All 10 are made to sit in line, naked, with a small bell tied to their penis. Then beautiful women, also naked, are made to pass in front of the priests. If the latter have all cast aside their human temptations, no bell should ring. As the ladies walked by, trying to seduce the men, none but 1 bell started to ring. It rang louder and louder, until it slipped and fell down. Ashamed, the should-be priest stood up to recover his bell. As he bent down to pick it up, 9 bells started to ring.
My dad’s favourite joke Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the other two and says: I bet you $1000 each that you can’t throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground. Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think there’s no way he’ll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000 and agree to the challenge. The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He leaps whole floors at a time, sprints out at ground floor and sees a bunch of confused people crowded around his crumpled watch. Sadly he trudges back up to the top. The third man walks over to the edge, throws his watch high in the air, and goes sprinting to the elevators. He jumps in, races to ground level, sprints out just in time to see his watch shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, he catches the elevator back up to the top. The first guy walks over to the edge, calmly drops his watch over, then casually strolls over to the elevator. He takes it down a few floors, hops out and orders himself a coffee. He enjoys the beautiful view, then hops back into the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Without a hint of hurry, he saunters out the front, looks up, and catches his watch. He grabs another coffee on his way back up. How in holy hell did you manage to do that?! the other two men ask. Easy says the first man My watch is ten minutes slow.
The postman retires It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what’s the dollar for? Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him, give him a dollar. The lady then said, The breakfast was my idea.
The new boyfriend. Mary and Nancy were having coffee at Mary’s house when Mary said Nancy, I don’t know what I am going to do about my new boyfriend. What seems to be the trouble, Mary? Nancy replied. Well, it’s a sexual problem, I’m a little embarrassed. What, is he too small, does he not last long enough? No, no, nothing like that. It’s just that all he wants to do is go down on me. That’s your problem? Nancy said, Most women would kill for that problem! I know, but that’s ALL he wants to do! A women needs some variety now and then, I need the D once in a while, you know what I mean? Ok, Nancy replied, Here’s what you do, the next time you two are together, before you get intimate, take some raw garlic and rub it down there. Are you sure, Nancy? Yes, it will sting a little at first, but he won’t put his face near there again. Ok, Nancy, I’ll try it. A week later, the two friends are chatting again. So, Mary. Nancy said. How goes it with your new boyfriend, did you do what I told you? Yeah, Nancy, I did. Well, did it work? No, it didn’t, in fact, it’s worse than before! How can it be worse? did you use enough? Yeah, I used plenty. that’s not the problem. Then, what is? Well…….My boyfriends Italian,………. and now he brings bread!
I was on this place once… I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess fuckin’ goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
While we’re on nun jokes: one night, two leprechauns knocked at the door of the convent. The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half foot tall? The Mother Superior recovered from her surprise to answer that no, there wasn’t. In any of the other convents of the city, Mother Superior, the friendly leprechaun asked, is there a nun who stands about two and a half foot tall? Again, she answered no. In all of our nation, Mother Superior, the leprechaun continued, in all of the convents of all the world, do you suppose there is a nun who is about two and a half foot tall? Mother Superior said that no, it would be impossible. Having gotten this last answer, the friendly leprechaun bowed graciously and thanked the helpful Mother Superior. He took his sullen companion by the arm and led him away. As the two walked off, Mother Superior heard the talkative one say, I tell you, Mikey, you’ve been fucking a penguin.
(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot… and he says, man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee. Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, Don’t forget the coffee!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool *badum pssssh*
A plane just took off…. And the pilot says to the passengers they are free to take off their seatbelts and move about the cabin and how long the flight will be and to enjoy the flight. A moment of brief silence goes by and he says to the copilot I could really use a cup of coffee and a blow job not realizing he hasn’t turned off the speaker. Seconds later the flight attendant runs up the aisle towards the cockpit and a guy says hey lady you forgot the coffee
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was kewl.
What do a hot girl and my little toe have in common? I bang them both on my coffee table at night.
Himalayan peach pie So there once was a man named Joe, who worked for a private investment company called Curo. So one day Joe’s boss goes up to him and says, Joe. I need you to go visit our client in the Himalayas, they want to put a face to their product and you are just the man for the job. The Himalayas? Wow, I would love to. He said. So the next day Joe boards a plane to Nepal, and he arrives with a few days to spare. So he decides to go on a hike up the mountain, so he goes to this little shop to get some supplies and rent a pack mule. Little did he know that a storm was forming and would soon be upon him. He starts north ready for a beautiful hike in the Himalayan mountains. His first day goes off without a hitch, Joe makes it about 16 miles along the trail and sets up camp just off the main trail. The next day he wakes up to a brutal blizzard, it is impossible to see more than a few feet and the trail is mostly covered. He tries to make his way back but ends up getting off the trail unknowingly, heading deeper and deeper into uncharted territory. Finally he gives up and sets up camp again. The storm rages for 3 days, he missed his meeting, however that was the least of his concerns. When he finally emerges from his tent he realizes that he is completely lost. Most of his gear is gone and he doesn’t know how he can make it back to town. Nevertheless he sets out, he hikes on for days with little hope of refuge. When all of a sudden he comes across a building, he immediately heads inside, to discover that it is a bakery, he asks the owner for a slice of his best pie and directions to town. The baker says his best pie is called Himalayan peach pie. Joe sits down and tries a bite, it is the most wonderfully marvelous slice of pie he had ever had in his life. He asks for a second slice, and a third, and even a fourth. When he left he took 4 pies with him. He found the town and managed to make his way home. When he got back to work he was fired for failing the client, when he explained the situation his boss felt sorry for him but could not do anything about his job. So he goes home. The situation he was in made him realize how good life is, so he calls his old girlfriend and asks to meet up with her for coffee. When she gets there he tells her about what happened to him and explains how he regrets breaking up with her. They end up dating for 9 months and after that, he proposes to her. She says yes, they have a magical wedding and for their honeymoon they decide to search for the little bakery that sells the magical pie. So they set out to Nepal, when they arrive they go to the same supply shop that Joe went to before and ask the man about the bakery. He had a general idea of where the shop was a circled the area on a map for them. They head out in search of the bakery. For 8 long days they searched, and had no success. On the 9th day Joe and his new wife are crossing a narrow snow-bridge when suddenly the bridge gives out and Joe’s wife falls to her death. Horrified, Joe sets up camp and calls out to his wife hoping against hope that she was alive. He does this for 5 days, when he gives up he decides to just walk off into the distance until he cannot walk any further. He walks for 2 whole days and 1 night when all of a sudden he comes across the bakery. When he walks in there is a different man behind the counter. It turns out the man had a son who was now in charge of the bakery and had been dead for several months. He asks the mans son if he has the Himalayan peach pie, unfortunately the man never wrote the recipe out and no one knew how to make it. It was the last straw. Joe asks the man’s son if he can search for the recipe and explains what he went through to get there. The man’s son lets him look but warns him it would be futile. after 2 days of non-stop searching he gives up, the man’s son says to him, we also have apple. Joe thinks for a while and says, Ok I’ll have apple.
Why is it so hard to have a guys night out Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight, .I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home. just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered 3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!! Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in .I said twelve Midnight .she didn’t seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one) . then she said we need a new cuckoo clock I then asked her why and she said .well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit .cuckooed 4 times, cleared it’s throat and cuckooed 3 more times laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted
Nescafe and the Pope Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee. The Pope responds, That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed. Well, said the Nescafe man, we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million. My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed. The Nescafe guy says, Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it. And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. There is some good news, he announces, and some bad news.The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.’ And the bad news, your Holiness? asks a Cardinal. We’re losing the Wonder-Bread account.
My favorite hillbilly joke. Everett goes to his kitchen in the morning to make coffee and looks out his window. He sees his neighbor, Red Neckerson, in his yard, having his way with Everett’s pet goat. Everett calls the sheriff and the sheriff arrests Red, charging him with bestiality, indecent exposure, and trespassing. Red asks the sheriff to recommend an attorney to defend him. The sheriff says that since they live in a small town, there are only two choices – the expensive lawyer, who will call in all sorts of expert witnesses to testify on the defendant’s behalf, or the cheap lawyer, who really knows how to pick a jury of his peers. Red settled on the cheap attorney. On the first day of the trial, the county prosecutor calls Everett to the stand and asks him to describe, in detail, what he saw in his yard on the morning in question. Everett described how he saw his neighbor, Red, mount his goat from behind, perform unspeakable acts and when Red was finished, the goat turned around and licked Red clean. Red was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal until he heard a juror in the front row whispered to the fellow next to him, You know, a good goat will do that…
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool
The doctor is sat in his office one day & asks the nurse/secretary to send in the next patient….. ………In walks Mr. Jones, closes the door behind him, sits down & the doctor immediately notices that he looks totally physically drained & hasn’t had a decent nights sleep for weeks…… Ok, so how can I help you Mr. Jones? Well, it’s like this doc, I have a hyperactive sex life, I’m currently seeing 3 women….. when I wake up in the morning, the wife wants sex twice before I even have breakfast, when I get to the office the secretary wants it doggy-style over the desk before we start work & she wants it again 2 hours later during coffee break. In my lunch break, I go to my misstress’ apartment around the corner & give it to her twice before returning to work & two hours later, I give it doggy-style to my secretary again during afternoon coffee break. When I get home in the evening, the wife wants it twice before going to sleep & next morning, the whole routine starts all over again. This is my life from Monday to Friday & as my mistress & secretary are aware of the fact that I’m married, they both threaten to tell my wife if I don’t go to their homes & give it to them at least 3 times each on Saturday & Sunday & of course I have to satisfy the wife as well. The doctors bottom jaw is practically touching the floor on hearing the story, but he quickly composes himself:- Ok…..so Mr. Jones, do you want me to prescribe some energy pills to keep you going or some Viagra for erection assistance or…..what? Ah no doc, what I could really do with is some powerful painkillers…….you see…..I get these **terrible** headaches every time I jack off
New Secretary At Work A blonde secretary was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me. Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. I’ll have two regular, two black, and two decaf.
A man died and went to hell . . . . . . and the devil is giving him the usual tour. Now we have a new policy here, said the devil. You get your choice of spending eternity in one of three rooms. The devil shows him the first room. It’s full of naked people doing nothing but standing on their heads. He then shows him the second room. Nothing but naked people standing on their heads. But this room has a rather uncomfortable cold draft continuously blowing. Then they visit the third room. It’s full of naked people who are milling about, sipping coffee and chatting. The only odd thing is that they are all wading knee-deep in manure. This wouldn’t be too bad, thinks the man. I could eventually get used to the smell. He turns to the devil. I pick this room, he says. Okay, says the devil. But once you’ve chosen, you can’t change your mind. So the devil leaves and the man wades into the manure. Someone hands him a cup of coffee, and he starts getting acquainted with the other people. After a few minutes, a door opens and a huge, muscular demon with a whip steps in. The demon cracks his whip and announces, All right, coffee break’s over! Everybody get back on your heads!
A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq… After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking. That’s friendly of him. The first says. Yeah, normally marines are assholes. Replies the second. I was on a convoy in Fallujah. We stopped next to a bunch of marines and walked in to the tree line to eat chow. When we came back they had stolen all our stuff. Man, back home, I was in a bar with my girl. The marine acted like I was even there. He ended up getting her number. I hate marines. Me too. A minute goes by and the marine hasn’t come back. Hey… Says one. Check this out. The ranger stands up, unbuckles his belt and drops his pants. Dude! What are you doing? The other exclaims Shut up or he’ll hear you. Just watch. He then proceeds to shit in one of the marines boots. Holy shit, he’s going to kill you man. Says the other. Not if you take care of the other one. So, the second ranger follows his buddies example. Giggling, they put the boots back exactly as they found them. Shortly thereafter, the marine returns. He hands them the coffees and, through smirks and snickers, they thank him. After a long flight, and many, MANY pots of coffee later the pilot announces they are about to land. The marine slips his boots back on, laces them, and without flinching he says to the rangers. You know I’m proud to serve our country but I’ve always thought this, – and let’s see if you agree with me. That the petty, bickering and pranks pulled by one branch on another just hurt us. Things like stealing gear and fighting over women, shitting in boots and pissing in each others coffee….
A woman shopping at her local mart where……………….. …………………………..she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single. The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that? The drunk replied, ‘Cuz you’re ugly
Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates …and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there. The first man says I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the street below I saw a man running while putting on his jacket and straightening his tie. Well, in my rage I was able to lift our refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him. Unfortunately, the strain gave me a heart attack and I died. Wow, that’s quite a story, said St. Peter. What about you? he asked the second man. I was late for work again and knew that it was nip and tuck whether I could catch my bus. I wolfed down some coffee and ran out the door carrying my jacket and doing up my tie. Next thing I know a refrigerator landed on me. Needless to say it was fatal. St. Peter said I see. Looking at the third man he asked What’s your story? I’m really not sure, said the man. I was just minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator.
Last day for your taxes A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy’s testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? No, the woman replied, I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.
The DOD was putting together a new special forces unit… In response to rising global tensions the Department of Defense decided a new, elite top secret unit was needed. Recruits were assembled from the special forces units of all branches. A panel of generals, high level intelligence officers and congressmen is formed to begin interviews. The first interviewee is from the Air Force. He enters the interview room and takes a seat in front of the panel. He crosses his legs and throws an arm over the back of the chair. What’s up? He asks. We’ve asked you here today because of your many notable accomplishments, ability as a leader, you are emulated by your peers and received the highest accolades from your superiors. We would like to offer you a position in a new, elite, top tier secret forces unit Cool. He says, Will I still get to play my Xbox? The panel is taken back, but often eccentricity is the price of exceptionalism. Yes, you will have adequate down time to play your Xbox. Before continuing further, is this something you are interested in being part of? Well, I guess so. I mean, if I can still play my Xbox then OK. Excellent. Rather than subject you to hours of questioning we have only one test to demonstrate your commitment and loyalty. You will be required to sever all ties with your family and friends. You will disappear. Are you ready for the one and only test? Sure. Why not? He says. Tape to the bottom of your chair is a gun. Reach underneath, take it and go in to the next room. You’ll find your girlfriend sitting in a chair. To demonstrate your willingness to never go back to your old life you need to shoot her. Whoah, hey. Sorry guys. I do my killing with a button. Usually I’m the one sitting in the chair, preferably with a coffee. I don’t ‘do’ guns, man. He leaves. Disappointed, the panel moves forward. Next to enter is a Navy Seal. He runs his hand through his hair a few times before taking a seat. Sup Bras, just got back from the pool. Doin’ laps. No Big Deal. What’s up? The Seal is briefed on the mission I dunno bra, like, it sounds like it will seriously cut down on my time to do laps. The Seal is assured he will still have time to go swimming. Ok, bra, cus like, swimming – It’s What I Do. … In the next room is your girlfriend. Hey, easy bra. ‘Girlfriend’? I don’t have a girlfriend, and if I did you would have to be more specific – which one? … take the gun and go next door… The Seal removes his aviator sunglasses for the first time and says I dunno bra. I think, I think maybe I’m just going to go do some more laps. Peace brosephs. Dismayed, the panel pushes forward. The next recruit, an Army Ranger, Ghost Recon. Hoahh sirs and ma’ams. Army Strong. Can I get a Hooah? The mission is explained. And a motivated Hooah to that sir. … take this gun… Negative, sir. No can do, not without my battle buddy. And he gets up and leaves. The panelists are now visibly upset. One general speaks up Is anyone left? Just one. A marine gunnery sergeant. Well send him in The Gunny is called for. He enters without a word. He takes a seat at attention, right hand right knee, left hand left knee, back straight, mouth shut. Motionless. The mission is explained. Tracking sir, sign me up. Excellent Gunny. In the next room is your ex-wife… take the gun… Before the interviewer can finish the Gunny reaches underneath his seat, takes the gun and walks in to the next room. Immediately, 7 shots are fired, followed by loud screaming. The sounds of a struggle are obvious. The panelists look to each other, worried. A loud crash is followed by several dull ‘thud’ sounds. Everything goes silent and the door opens. Out walks the gunny, covered in scratches and cuts. His clothing is torn, blood is running down the side of his face. Gunny! What the Hell happened? Well, he says. Some asshole loaded the gun with blanks. So I smashed the chair over her head, broke off one of the legs and beat her to death with it.
Topical Jokes 4/10 (Special mention to JonasPolsky, you’ve inspired me to write one a day!) – Spain is raising its age of consent from 14 to 16. Meanwhile the bankers at the European Central Bank are saying that they might not be able to keep their interest rate low for the next 2 years. – The French National Assembly have decided to put three artificial beehives on its roof to promote urban greenery. Meanwhile, inspired, the bees are now demanding ‘liberty, equality and fraternity’ after the Queen reportedly said ‘ let them eat cake, we have plenty of honey for it anyway. – A man in London converted a Ford pickup into a coffee-powered car. Meanwhile at the Starbucks headquarter executives are busy figuring out what comes after Tall, Grande, Venti and Trenta. – A judge had struck down a federal ban on morning-after-pill sales to minors, meanwhile sales for Kool-Aids, Kinder Chocolate and One direction merchandises are expected to increase at major pharmacies. – Today is the first day of Maggie’s eternity. She had always been unsure of how her earthly deeds would be judged so she was quite delighted to wake up and not feel an ounce of seething heat. Turn out, much to her surprise, that the coal miners were on strike. – No minute of silence for Thatcher at the Manchester Derby. It was not yet disrespectful until City won it with an Argentine sub. – Thatcher dies. Today also happens to be a good day to bury bad news. Well, I thought she’s going to get cremated but as she said, ‘The Lady is not for burning’.
Charley is a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their Older Person Friendly policies. One day the boss called him into the office fora talk. Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-upjob when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome. Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it. Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder. Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you’re retired from the US NAVY. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often? The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, They usually saluted and said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?’ **Edit** I guess I just have a weird sense of humor.
Nice Smelling Hair. Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? It’s Frank. The midget.
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you. Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper – and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. ‘Tell me, son,’ he asks, ‘what happened last night?’ ‘Well, says the boy, ‘you came home so blind drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye. ‘Christ!’ says the man. Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?’ ‘When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!”
The most Canadian sentence ever. Sorry aboot spilling too much maple syrup into your Tim Hortons coffee, eh?
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together… ….discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle.. Well? She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2 ; hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, Oh my God.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning…. …(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: ‘You English folk eat the whole bread??’ Englishman (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’ Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) ‘We don’t. In France , we only eat what’s inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .’ The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: ‘Do you eat jam with the bread??’ Englishman: ‘Of Course.’ Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). ‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .’ After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: ‘Do you have sex in France ?’ Frenchman: ‘Why of course we do’, he says with a big smirk. Englishman: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’ Frenchman: ‘We throw them away, of course.’ Englishman: ‘We don’t. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .’
A bad man goes to hell A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice. So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. Of the three, this one looks best, he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, Ok, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!
Do you know who you’re talking to? John starts his first day at a law firm. In his office, he grabs the phone, John: Get me some coffee, quick! Voice: Sorry, you’ve connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to? John: No? Voice: I am the Director of this law firm.. John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you’re talking to? Director: No? John: You don’t? Excellent *hangs up*
What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a group of midgets playing chess? The latter is a group of cunning runts.
I like my women like I like my slaves: Coffee. Wait
A man goes to his doctor… A man goes to his doctor. The doctor asks, What can I do for you, today? The man says, Every morning I get up before my wife to have sex with the maid in the laundry. Then I go to work. During the morning coffee break I have sex with my personal assistant in the server room. At 4 in the afternoon I go to my tennis lesson, where I have sex with the hot, young instructor on a private court. Then I go home. After dinner I have sex with my wife in our water bed. The doctor says, Why are you wasting my time with these stories? I have a whole waiting room of patients! The man responds, Well, I’m a bit worried about my health. Every time I masturbate I get light-headed.
My mom opened the door at a restaurant for an old lady… …the lady told my mom that she looked just like her daughter that had died. The lady asked my mom to join her for lunch since she was there alone, too. She accepted. They talked about the lady’s daughter and how much she missed her. The waitress came over and asked What can i get you to drink? My mom answered. Then the waitress said And for your mother? . Before my mom could answer, the old lady said she would like a coffee. When the waitress left, my mom asked the old lady why she didn’t correct the waitress. The old lady said she was having such a great time with my mom and she was so like her daughter, could they just pretend she was her daughter. My mom found it weird, but agreed on that. After they ate, the old lady said her good byes and excused herself from the table. The waitress came over with the bill and my mom asked if the lady had paid her share. The waitress said, No. On her way out, she said her daughter would take care of it . My mom said, I’m not her daughter . The waitress said Well i heard you two talking and you called her mom . So my mom paid the bill, seeing as it was useless to try to explain and left. When she got outside, she saw the old lady getting on a bus. She ran quickly and calling her angrily but the old lady ignored her. As she was getting on the bus, my mom grabbed her bag while the doors shut on the bus and my mom was left standing with the bag. You know what was in the bag? A load of shit. Just like the story i just told you
Why did the hipster burn his tung? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool…
So, A Mugger Walks into a Coffee Shop.. asks for a cup of coffee, then proceeds to beat the barista over the head until he is unconscious, takes the entire drawer of cash, drives to the supermarket, buys k-Cups, and goes home, and realizes he forgot the K-Cups. LOL
