I cried when I cut up onions… Onions was a good dog.
My girlfriend does not like my beagle Molly, so I have to rehome her. My girlfriend does not like my beagle Molly, so I have to rehome her. She is a purebured from a wealthy area and I have had her for 4 years. She likes to play games. She’s not totally trained. Has long hair so she’s a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps when I work. She only eats the BEST, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you’re down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So, if anyone is interested in my 30 year old selfish girlfriend, give me a call. My dog and I want her rehomed ASAP.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his land A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf? Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, Sure, why not? The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Macbook Air, tethers it to his Galaxy S3 and uses its built-in GPS function to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany … Within seconds, he receives an email on his Android that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Macbook Air, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he simply opens the spreadsheet on his laptop, turns to the cowboy and says, You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not? You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government , says Bud. Wow! That’s correct, says the yuppie, but how did you guess that? No guessing required. answered the cowboy. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. Mom , the boy asks, What’s a pussy? The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says Son, that is a pussy. The son then asks What’s a bitch? The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says Son, this is a bitch. The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. . The son walks up to his father and says Dad, what’s a pussy? The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says Son, this is a pussy! The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks Then, what is a bitch? . . . The dad replies, That’s everything outside the circle!
Dog Grooming – Basic Lesson He had an inauspicious start as a dog groomer when one of his first clients bit him. Noticing his pain, his boss came over to him and voiced her concern. Whatever you do, she said, don’t bleed on the white dogs.
Girl farts at the dinner table A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells: -Rocky!! The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy’s father is getting nervous: -Rocky!! be careful now!! Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells: -Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!
An actual conversation I had with a little old lady. LOL Now that the gay marriage is legal, the next thing they will want is to marry cats and dogs. ME So, what’s wrong with marrying a dog or cat? LOL Well it’s sick and wrong. ME But why I don’t get it. LOL It just is,…… disgusting. ME But why I don’t understand? LOL Because then they could……. Have sex with them. ME Really so you think a marriage license is all that’s holding them back.
A man needs help doing chores around the house So he asks around saying he needs someone to do the dishes. His friend tells him about this dog. He’s amazing! He can do all your dishes no problem. So the man takes the dog home and asks him to do the dishes. The dog does the dishes in no time at all. The man says wow you’re amazing! How good are you doing laundry? The dog says I can’t do laundry what do you think I am? I’m only a dog so the man takes the dog back to his friend and tells him This dog is good at dishes but he’s useless for anything else. What else do you have? His friends thinks for a second and says ok I’ve got the perfect thing for you. Take this parrot. He can do whatever you want. So the man takes the parrot home and asks him to do the dishes. The parrot gets to work and does an even better job than the dog. He even dries them and puts them away. The man is applauds the parrot and asks about the laundry. The parrot starts laundry with no trouble at all. The man says wow you’re amazing! How are you at vacuuming? The parrot replies I can’t vacuum what do you think I am? I’m only a parrot. So the man takes the parrot back to his friend and tells him his problem. The man thinks for a second and says ok take this monkey. He can do everything you need him to. So the man brings him home and the monkey does the dishes and laundry with out complaints. He even vacuums the whole house no problem. The man says wow you’re amazing! Could you run up the the store and grab me some groceries? The monkey says I can’t do that what do you think I am? I’m only a monkey. So the man gets frustrated and takes the monkey back. He asks his friend I really need something better. So his friend thinks long and hard and finally says I’ve got it! Take this milipede. I guarantee he can do anything and everything you can imagine. The man is doubtful of this little milipede but trusts his friend. He takes the milipede home and explains his chores. The milipede gets to work. He washes the dishes perfectly. Dries them, puts them away, and even organizes the cabinets. He does laundry with no hassle at all. Folds them and neatly puts them in the man’s dresser. He even irons the man’s dress shirts. He vacuums the entire house, mops the floor, and dusts everything. The man is astonished. He says wow you’re amazing! Here’s my grocery list. Are you capable of getting everything? The milipede says yes and walks out the door. The man waits for the milipede to return. He watches the clock as minutes turn to hours. After waiting for what seemed like forever the man gets worried that something happened to the milipede. He goes to look for him and walks out the door to find the milipede still right outside. He angrily says what are you doing!? I’ve been waiting and waiting on you. Why are you still here!? The milipede looks up and says well sir, I’m still tying my shoes!
Puddles A dog is walking through the park one very wet day and meets three ducks He says to them, This is ideal weather for you, raining so heavily The first duck says, Yes, I love this wet weather, in and out of puddles all day The second duck says, Yes, I love this wet weather, in and out of puddles all day The last duck says, I fucking hate it. My name’s Puddles!
Sniffer sniffer A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.’ The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’ He told Sniffer to ‘search’. Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. ‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’ ‘I like it!’ said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’ The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
A man goes to the hospital with recurring migraines … and is surprised to see that his doctor is a dog. Good afternoon, I’m Dogtor Spot. I’ve been told that you have been suffering from severe headaches, and I believe there may be something wrong with your brain. I’d love to help you but I’m afraid all I can do is give you some pain meds and recommend you to my favorite neurologist Dr. Whiskers, she’s the only cat I trust. But dogtor, surely you have the technology here, can’t you help me? the man pleads. Dr. Spot simply replies I’m afraid dogs can’t but CAT scan.
I went to the zoo. So I went to the zoo last week. It was such a bad experience. I paid 20 bucks and there was only 1 animal there. A dog. It was a shit zoo.
Holy Water Vs Sulfuric Acid A priest in Australia is talking with some parents and says The other day I put some holy water on a mother who was struggling with birth and she passed a beautiful baby boy and all the parents showed joy bar one of the fathers who props himself up and says That’s nothin’ …I put sulfuric acid on my dogs arse and he passed a Ferrari
A man walks into a bar… A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer. A nearby patron asks Hey buddy! What’s your dog’s name? Engineer the man replies. Engineer? the other asks. If I kick him will, he make a bolt for the door? he laughs. No, the man replies, but he can make a spring for your nuts.
Its worse than it sounds A man walks into a bar in a great mood and orders a double whiskey and a beer, downs both and orders another round, then another and another throughout the night then leaves whistling. He does this 3 nights in a row and comes in the next night and orders a Diet Coke. The puzzled bartender asks really? After that legendary display over the past 3 nights?!? Yeah man, last night’s bender was really bad. I’ve given up drinking for good and I’m actually going to AA in a little bit. The bartender asked what happened that was so terrible and the man replies I came home last night and blew chunks 3 times. I’m so ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about says the bartender I’ve done it plenty of times in my life. To which the man replies you don’t understand, chunks is my neighbor’s dog.
A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a pet. He asks the owner how much for each animal and he starts saying 50 for the dog, 80 for the parrot, 200 for the exotic parrot, 40 for the cat, 1000 for the frog… when the man stops him and says 1000 for the frog? Why is it so expensive The owner then whispers to him This frog is really good at blowjobs . The man takes some time to think and decides to buy the frog. Everyday his wife would see him take the frog and go to the bathroom and her curiosity was growing day by day. One day she decides to find out so she stands by the door and tries to listen what’s happening. Then you add some salt she heard the man say. Her curiosity gets so big that see busts the door open and sees the man reading recipes to the frog. The man shouts at her IF I TEACH IT HOW TO COOK YOU ARE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant! . The cat says, I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter. The penis, outraged, says At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head, throw you in a cave, and make you do push ups until you throw up!
A boy is taking a taxi by himself to get home… And so this little boy is annoying, which irritates the taxi-driver. He is teasing him and asking him stupid questions like: what do you get by crossing a cat and an elephant.. or what do you get by crossing a giraffe with a dog etc. The taxi-driver wants him to be quiet and is thinking: this kid won’t finish with his teasing . The driver gets so mad that he asks the boy: ey.. if your father is gay and your mother is a whore, what do you get by crossing them? The boy cleverly responds: a taxi-driver .
Did you know cat’s are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
My Perfect Day 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Get a Blow job 6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by a naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Several beers on route to the airport 9:15 Flight in personal Learjet 9:30 Limo to Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route) 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par) 11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon 12:15 Get another Blow job 12:30 Another Blow job 2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons) 2:30 Fly to Bahamas 3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot 4:30 Land world record Marlin (1,634 lbs.), on light tackle 5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally) 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch news: Obama Impeached 7:30 Dinner: Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits 9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game 9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer 11:30 Night-cap blow job 11:45 In bed alone 11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room 11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
I went to the zoo the other day… They only had a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
Best joke ever I used to cry when my dad cut up onions Onions was a good dog
A joke from the city of Khelm… There was once an old couple owned a dog. One time, the old man was walking the dog next to railroad tracks and the dog’s leash snagged onto one of the tracks. He heard a loud whistle and saw a train zooming right towards them. Frantically, he tried freeing the dog even though the train’s whistle grew louder. But alas, he had to give up and watched as the train ran over his poor dog. The old man returned home, depressed, and told his wife what happened. The wife was deeply saddened and offered him to make some tea. She put the kettle full of water on the stove and waited for it to boil. As soon as the water began to bubble, the kettle started whistling and woke the dozing old man. Livid, he grabbed a club, stormed into the kitchen and smashed the kettle. What are you doing?! His wife shrieked. The old man looked into his wife’s eyes and said: Gotta kill them while they’re still small. Whoever knows what the city of Khelm is, will appreciate this joke even more.
I wanted cats. My wife wanted kids. So we got a dog.
On the first day. God created the dog and said, Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten? So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span. The monkey said, Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty? And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years. But the human said, Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay, said God. You asked for it. So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
An ugly homeless man walks into a bar with a huge smile. He uses what little money he has to order himself a drink. The bartender serves him and asks What are you so happy about? The homeless man replies. I just got laid big time. First time in about 30 years. I was hanging out by the train tracks where I saw a women tied up like in those old western movies, so I cut her free and brought her back to my place. Needless to say, she let me have it big time. Every position you can imagine. You lucky dog, you. the bartender replies. So what did this lass look like? The homeless man replies, Oh, I’m not sure, I only found the body.
Quantum physics joke Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving. Heisenberg was on the wheel and Schrodinger was the passenger. A cop pulls them over and asks Heisenberg: Do you know the speed at which you were driving? . Heisenberg replies No, I was looking out the window, I would rather know where I am. . The cop gets angry and goes to search the trunk. He finds a dog that had died from the heat. The cop goes and tells Schrodinger You know, you have a dead dog in the trunk. . Schrodinger replies You killed it, jerk! We were trying to transport it, and it was alive when we put it in there! .
Dog and wife (1)Put your wife in a room & lock it. Put your dog in another room & lock it !!! Open both rooms after 2 – 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you ! (Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!) Don’t laugh loud —- � The extended version says. (2) Put your husband in a room & lock it. Put your dog in another room & lock it !!! Open both rooms after 2 – 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you’ll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!!
Little Johnny went to the front of the class for show and tell today on the way to school I saw a dog fall right on a stick and the stick went right up his ass said little Johnny. Little Johnny the word is rectum the teacher scolded. Little Johnny replied rectum nothing it fucking killed him!
Ok – I finally understand my life. On the first day, God created the dog and said, Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten? So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span. The monkey said, Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty? And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years. But the human said, Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay, said God. You asked for it. So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
A man wakes up to find a gorilla on his roof one morning So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for Gorilla Removers . He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he ll be there in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog. What are you going to do? , the homeowner asks. I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van. , says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun. What’s the shotgun for? , asks the homeowner. If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.
Bad Puns Sometimes I just tuck my knees towards my chest, that’s just how I roll. A man was walking around one day and he saw a fat kid, he proceeded to kick the child and yell, I’M FIGHTING CHILDHOOD OBESITY! What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut. And in honor of Jurassic World: What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-You-Think-He-Saur-Us What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saur-Us-Rex
So a gentleman walks into a bar… after a long day of work, and decides to drink his problems away. After awhile he gets pretty drunk and the bartender decides to mess with him a little to have fun. So he asks the man, hey pal, you wanna make some money? to which the drunken man replies of course! . Ok, the bartender explains, Ill give you $100 if you do these three things for me: first, you have to go steal the Rolex off our bouncer, Steve – next, you have to go out back and pull a tooth from our vicious guard dog – and finally, you have to go sleep with that terribly ugly woman over there. That’s easy, replied the drunken man, I can do that. So he walks out to the front of the bar and, landing a lucky hit, knocks out the bouncer and takes his watch. He then walks into the bar and goes out back, and after a couple of minutes the bartender hears some squealing coming from his dog. The drunken man then walks proudly in from the back and strolls up to the bartender saying ok, tough guy, I’ve done the first two tasks – now where’s that ugly woman whose tooth I need?
Man’s Best Friend A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, That’s quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong? After quickly downing his drink the man replied, I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. Wow , exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one’s on the house. As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do? I walked over to my wife , the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out. That makes sense , said the bartender, but what about your best friend? I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said Bad dog!’
What’s the difference between a Golden Chihuahua and a Golden Shower? You never have to pay before the dog’ll pee on you.
A woman found out that her dog could barely hear so she took him to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. After cleaning both ears, the dog could hear just fine. The vet then told her, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. She went to the store and bought some Nair hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a day or two. She said, I’m not using it under my arms. The pharmacist said, If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days. She replied, I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer. The pharmacist said, Well, then you’re going to want to stay off your bicycle for a few days.
The Talking Dog version two A man walks into a bar with a mutt on a leash. The bartender says Hey, Mac. We don’t allow dogs in here! The man says, But wait, he’s a special talking dog. Can we stay if I can prove it? The bartender thinks for a second and says, Fine, prove he can talk and I’ll let you stay. OK, Fido, says the man. What’s on top of a house? Rr-rrr-roof! barks Fido. The bartender is not impressed. OK, ok, let me try something else, says the man. Fido, how does sandpaper feel? Rrr-rr-rough! growls Fido. OK Mac, I’m losing my patience, says the bartender. Wait, this’ll prove it to you, says the man. Fido, who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Rr-rr-rr-Ruth! yelps Fido. The bartender kicks them both out into the street. The dog looks at the man and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?
What do my ex and a box of chocolate have in common? They kill my dog.
Police are like a box of chocolates They’ll kill your dog.
The Talking Dog A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. You talk? he says. Yep the dog replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says So, what’s your story? The Lab looks up and says, Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars. the guy says. Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates, they’ll kill your dog.
Blonde’s sleeping pill An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep. I have good news for you, the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over. Great, the blonde answered, I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot. A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before! I don’t understand how that could be , said the doctor, shaking his head. Those are the strongest pills on the market! That may be true, answered the blonde wearily, but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!
My dog drank gasoline This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you’ve got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won’t work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline…they were horrified. When I got to the punchline, they all lost it. I was cleaning some grease of off some car parts this weekend and had a little gasoline in a cup sitting on the floor of the garage. My dog walks in and I hear the sound of the lapping up of water. I quickly realized that my dog was drinking the gasoline! I get up to get the dog and he just takes off like a bat out of hell. He runs around the yard and I just can’t catch him. I’m about ready to give up from exhaustion when he keels over, like he’s dead. I quickly rushed him to the vet. The vet told me it was fine…he’d just run out of gas. *ouch*
Did you hear about the Agnostic? Did you hear about the Agnostic Insomniac with Dyslexia? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Why does a dog? Why does a dog lick its butt? To get the taste of dog food out of its mouth.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who’s up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Woman with triplets gets shot. (old joke I remember from years ago a few maybe haven’t heard) A woman was walking down the street and was shot 3 times. She was rushed to the hospital where a concerned doctor sat beside her and said You’ve been shot three times… But you’re also pregnant with triplets. So in 13 years time when the children are teenagers the bullets will come out of them one way or the other …. So 13 years later when all the boys are 13 the first kid comes running down the stairs mum mum, I’ve had a piss and a bullet came out! So the mum sits him down and explains the story. A couple of days after the second kid comes running down the stairs mum mum, I’ve had a shit and a bullet came out! the mother again sits down and explains the story. A few days later the third kid comes running down the stairs mum mum.. the mum stops him mid sentence I know, I know. You’ve either pissed or shit and a bullet came out… No mum, I had a wank and I shot the dog!
Short and sweet joke on depression. A friend of mine recently staged an intervention and told me that I needed to stop being so apathetic about life. I told him I would consider his advice and try to be more enthusiastic. After we finished talking he suggested we put on a movie and asked me if I’d prefer to watch Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs. I said I don’t mind.
Old man with speech impediment out shopping Walks into a Baker’s and asks for a Bum . The baker looks bewildered, A ‘Bum’? No, I said ‘Bum’ says the old man. Oh, you mean a ‘Bun’!? says the baker. That’s what I said, a bum replies the old man. So he takes his ‘Bum’ and finds a Pet Shop and walks in. Can I have a Cock-and-Spank-it he says to the lady serving. A WHAT? she replies, obviously insulted. A Cock-and-Spank-it, you have one in the window he says hurriedly, not sure why she is upset. Oh my word! She says You mean a Cocker Spaniel . So he pays for the dog and leaves to find an Ironmonger. Once there he asks the gentleman for a Fuck it . To which the gentleman replies A what? , not believing his ears. A Fuck it, you have loads of them over there pointing. Oh you mean a ‘Bucket’, I was worried there says the gentleman. So he leaves the shop with his dog, bun and bucket. Unfortunately he bumps into an old lady and the dog jumps out of his hands and makes a run for it, so he turns to the old lady and says…. Will you hold my Bum and Fuck it, while I catch my Cock-and-Spank-it?
If you are what you eat… *Well then you are an asshole* *A lot of you are pussies* *And some of you are cats* *A few of you are dogs* *And I’m a penny…*
