The Booby Licking Bartender A man sat down at a bar just a few seats away from a beautiful blond showing a lot of cleavage and ordered a beer. The bartender filled a mug and slid it down the bar, but it hit the lady’s chest and splashed beer on her breasts. The bartender retrieved the mug, gave it to the man, and then licked the excess beer off the blonde’s breasts. When the man ordered another beer, the same thing happened again. After his third beer also hit her, he decided it was time to share the bartender’s fun. So he moved over and started licking the woman’s breasts himself, and she decked him! Lying on the floor, he groaned, Why didja hit me? You let the bartender do it?! She replied, Well yeah – he has a licker license!
Another joke from around the confessional. A priest needed to use the restroom during his scheduled confession time. Not wanting to make any of his patrons wait he called over a senior altar boy to fill in for him. I should be back quickly enough, just don’t give any dumb advice . The altar boy sat in the confessional for a short time alone until a beautiful blonde in a red dress took a seat in the small booth. Forgive me father for I have sinned, she began. This last weekend my husband went out of town, and I cheated on him with his best friend . The woman in the red dress began to cry. I got way to drunk. It never went the entire way though! I gave him oral, and he pushed for anal, but I stopped before it went any further then that! The woman in the red dress was crying heavily now, and the altar boy was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Hold on one second, the altar boy told the woman. He opened the door to the confessional and called over a fellow altar boy and asked, Dude in the confessional what the hell would the priest give for oral and anal sex? The other altar boy looked at him and said, I always get a bag of chips and a coke. *Changed alter boy to altar boy
A blonde walks up to a fresh fruit and Veg stall… A blonde walks up to a fresh fruit and Veg stall, and asks for a Cucumber, the guy who was serving asked would you like it whole, or sliced … To which she replied, what do I look like a fucking slot machine
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde woman are stranded on a deserted island. The mainland is 100 miles away. They each decide to try to swim there individually. The brunette goes first; she swims 25 miles, then gets eaten by a shark. The redhead goes second; she swims 40 miles, gets tired, and drowns. Finally it’s the blonde’s turn. She swims 50 miles, then says: Wow this is tiring, I’m not sure if I can continue and swims back to the island.
A biker walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, I’d be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it? The biker then replies, Well, not anymore if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
An elderly man walked up to me today when I was wearing my Michigan sweatshirt. Without even saying hello, he started telling me… A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there naked still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, Ma’am, you’re perfectly healthy. The only thing I am concerned about is the giant W indented perfectly in the center of your chest. The woman immediately responds, Oh, my boyfriend is a college football player and he insists he wears his jersey during sex. The intrigued doctor asks, Oh my, you’re boyfriend plays for Wisconsin?! The blonde answers quickly, No. Michigan.
A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger drive into the desert. Their car breaks down and the three decide to try and hike out of the desert together. However, they quickly get into an argument over who was more prepared for the situation. I was WAY more prepared than you! The ginger yells. I have all I need to stay rested and ready to go! Grabbing her backpack, she storms off into the distance. Oh yeah? Yells the brunette, I’m TONS more prepared than YOU! You can be as rested as you want, but what happens when you get weak and slow? I have all I need to stay strong and fast! The brunette grabs her backpack, and runs off into the distance. The blonde, not wanting to feel left out, yells to the other two, OH YEAH??? Well, you can be as rested and as strong as you want, but what happens when you get too hot? What happens when you need to cool down, huh??? I have ALL I NEED to stay cool and refreshed!!!! The blonde grabs her bag and trudges off into the distance. After a few days, their families begin to get worried. They call the police, and a search party is sent to find the lost travelers. The first girl they find is the ginger, just barely alive in her tent. The rescuers asked what happened, and the girl replied, We got into an argument over who was more prepared, and I thought I was because I had a tent to rest in. But soon I realized that, no matter how rested I was, I had nothing to fill my belly. The brunette had something to ease her hunger, so I guess she was more prepared than me… The rescuers kept looking, and after a few more hours they discovered the brunette lying in the sand, barely clinging to life. The rescuers asked her what happened, and she replied, we got into an argument over who was more prepared, and I thought I was because I had food to keep me strong. But I quickly realized that, with every step I took I just got hotter and hotter. The blonde had something to keep her cool and refreshed, so I guess she was more prepared than either of us… The rescuers returned to their search for the last girl, and it took them the rest of the day. They were about to call it quits until they saw a body lying in the sand, its bones picked clean by vultures. It must be the blonde, one of the rescuers said. But how can you possibly tell? Another rescuer asked. There’s no skin! There’s no clothes! There’s not even any hair! It could just as well be anyone! But it is not, the first rescuer said confidently. I am certain that this one is the blonde. How on Earth can you tell?! The second rescuer shouted. That, the first rescuer stated, pointing. The second rescuer let out a thoughtful grunt as he noticed the car door pressed against her side, its window rolled down.
Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed? Um what’s her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone …. Witherspoon? No, no. It was with a knife.
A blond, redhead, and brunette are taking a CIA entrance exam For the final test, the special agent gives them each a pistol and tells them they need to kill their respective husbands who are currently tied up in the interrogation room. Unbeknownst to the three, each pistol is unloaded. The brunette goes in first and comes out. I couldn’t do it… , she says and walks out. The redhead goes in and comes out. I just don’t have it in me She says, and leaves. The blond walks into the room with the pistol. After a minute there are several loud bangs and some screams. The special agent runs into the room and whips the door open with the redhead holding a bloody chair leg, her husband dead on the ground. The blond says, The gun was empty so I had to beat him to death, did i pass?
a blond, a brunette and a redhead A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach. Suddenly a genie appears to them and says I will grant you each one wish if you’ll jump off the side of this cliff. So the redhead jumps off and shouts Seagull and turns into a seagull and flies away. Then the brunette jumps off and shouts Whale and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away. Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as she falls she shouts out Shit
So, this blonde is driving down an Iowa interstate… and she looks over and sees another blonde on a boat in the middle of a cornfield. Curious, she pulls over and shouts, What are you doing out there?! The blonde on the boat replies, Fishing! But I haven’t caught anything! The first blonde shouts, You know, it’s idiots like you that give all us blondes a bad name! Fuck off! shouts the blonde on the boat, You’re just jealous ’cause you’re ugly! You’re lucky! yells the first blonde, I’d come over there and kick your ass if I knew how to swim!
Three blondes stuck on an island There are three blondes stuck on an island. The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish. The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island. The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island. *I know it is sexist it is an old joke don’t flood my inbox
A blonde goes to buy a TV. A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store. Blonde: I’d like that TV please. Clerk: Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes. So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store. Blonde: I’d like that TV please. Clerk: I’m sorry but we don’t sell to blondes. Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store. Blonde: I’d like that TV please. Clerk: I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes. Blonde: How did you know I’m blonde? Clerk: Because that’s a Microwave. **EDIT**: Corrected format.
daughters purse One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses. So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes. So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks. So, finally, it’s the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.
Men will be Men A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated � She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice . She said – I hope you don’t mind, but I feel Luckier when I’m nude. With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled- Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes! As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled – Yes, Yes, I Won.. I Won.. She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left. The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked- What number rolled on the dice? The other – I don’t know, I thought you were watching. Moral of the story: 1.Not All drunks are Drunk, 2.Not all Blondes are dumb, 3.But all Men are Men!!!
A man walks into a bar… and approaches the barman, orders his drink and surveys the bar. In one corner he spots a beautiful blond haired 20-ish lady, grabs his drink and makes a beeline for her, as he approaches, he is stunned by her looks, large chest and great smile. He asks to sit at her table, she says please do . He sits, so he strikes a conversation, he asks her for her name, I’m Carmen she says, I changed my name to the things I like most in the world, fast Cars and sexy Men, so I changed it to Carmen . He smiles at her, she asks him his name, his reply, Beer Cunt.
Robert is heart broken Robert recently broke up with his long term girlfriend and became extremely depressed and decided to go out for a drink. As he walks into bar and orders a drink, he notices a man slouched in the corner booth a thin, pale, nerdy looking fellow with a hot blonde bombshell of a woman. Robert asks the bartender Why can guys like him get girls like her and I’m over here all alone drinking my beer? The bartender replies Don’t you know? Shes the local prostitute, very popular with the clients Robert takes another look and finishes his beer and leaves. The next day he returns, still not over the fact his long term relationship ended so devastatingly. Orders a beer and looks over to see the blonde bombshell by herself flicking through her phone. He decides to hell with it and picks up enough courage to walk over and ask. I..I.. heard you’re great with your services? Blondie replied I sure am baby, what’ll it be? Robert not having any experience with prostitutes and what to ask for, wondering if there was a paper back menu of some sort he could filter through he stuttered. Um…uh.. I.. I want to take it slow.. so I guess I’ll start with a handjob? Blondie whispers That’ll be five hundred bucks, sexy Suprised at the fact it would cost so much Robert stammered W..Whoa! That’s an expensive handjob! Blondie points out the door to a Mercedes Benz convertible in hot pink parked on the opposite side of the road. Blondie replies See that baby? I paid that outright from just giving handjobs, im the best in town.. Don’t like it? Can’t afford it? Piss off Robert apologised Oh oh no, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend y.. Interrupted by Blondie’s finger pressing against Robert’s lips. Robert handed over five hundred in cash and they hopped in his car and drove off. The next night Robert comes back to the bar, looking for Blondie. She’s found sitting in the exact same spot, Robert creeps over and plops down in the opposite booth seating. That was very very exciting night we had. I was wondering if we could step it up a notch? How about a blowjob? Blondie smirks Honey, that’ll be two grand, but since you’re sooo cute, I’ll do it for a grand Robert gulped Lady, that’s a fair bit of dough your a.. Tugged at his collar, Blondie pulls Robert outside and points to a small motel down the road called Missy’s. She exclaimed See that buddy, I own that from just blowing people and if you keep up that attitude you won’t be getting any! I am that damn good! Robert apologised and they hopped into his car and drove off. Robert bursts into the bar the next morning and stumbles over to Blondie. He coughs and splutters.. Oh Blondie, that blowjob was the best in the world!! I really want to have sex with you! It must be mind blowing!! How much? Blondie giggled It’ll be ten grand, cutie Robert agape, he gasps But..but.. Blondie drags him outside by the scruff, Robert thinks to himself that he’s in hot water again and might not get any. She points down to a little island and Robert’s jaw drops. Nooo waaaayyy, you don’t own that do you?! She laughs Nope, if i had a vagina i would
A man walks into a bar… and glances at the menu. * **Sandwiches, $2** * **Hand jobs, $5** He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties. Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs? She smiles thinly, Yes sir, I am. Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I’d like a sandwich.
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car… And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open. The locksmith looks to the driver and says, Ma’am I can’t use this tool on a door when the window is open, you’re going to have to close it first.
A Blond a red head and a brunette are stuck on an island A magic lamp washes up and they rub it and a genie comes out, he says I will give you all one wish each. The brunette wishes to be home, the red head wishes to be with her family, the blond starts crying the genie asks why and she says I wish for my friends back!
There are 11 blondes… hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced. After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she’ll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery……. Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.
A guy brings an alligator to the bar… and the bartender says Get that thing out of here immediately. The guy says Don’t worry, its tamed and I’ll prove it! So the guy tells the alligator to open his mouth and much to everyone’s surprise the gator complies. You think thats impressive? asks the guy. He then proceeds to put his penis into the gators open mouth while hitting the gator in the head and sure enough he doesn’t dare take a bite. So the guy asks Does anyone else want to give it a try? A blonde across the bar says Sure, just don’t hit me that hard
Two blondes are driving. The first blonde asks, Is my blinker working? The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.
A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work… A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn’t near what we should be paying to get it painted. The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it’s not a Porsche, it a Ferrari
Maxim never disappoints A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, How much? He doesn’t hear her and says, Come again? She giggles and says, No…it’s just mustard this time.
The Stairs to Success A man walks into a stairwell with a sign that says Climb to Success . Naturally he begins climbing. At the 25th floor he sees a beautiful brunette that says You can get a handjob from me, or continue on to success . He refuses and resumes climbing. At the 50th floor there is a beautiful blonde that says You can get a blowjob from me, or continue on to success . The man refuses again, tempted by the promise of success. At the 75th floor there is a beautiful redhead that says You can fuck me, or continue on to success . Even though the man is exhausted, he continues up the stairs, determined to reach success. When the man finally reaches the the 100th floor there is a 300 lb man that says I’m Cess
Young Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem. Jimmy’s Dad goes to talk to his teacher before class one morning. Ms. Thompson, my son Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem, he bets on everything, he’d even bet on what tomorrow’s temperature would be. he says. Ms. Thompson replies Yes I have noticed his gambling, and it disrputs the class and leaves all the kids without lunch money, luckily I have a plan to stop his gamblng once and for all. I’m going to lure him into a bet that he would surely lose and make him lose big to teach him a lesson. Jimmy’s father says That’s brilliant, you have all my support Ms. Thompson I sure hope that little brat learns his lesson. The next day Ms. Thompson dismisses the class at the end of the day and notices Jimmy collecting debts from the kids, afterwards he strolls over to Ms. Thompson’s desk. Ms. Thompson tells Jimmy Jimmy I hate that you gamble and swindle all the kids of their money. Jimmy replies I hate that you sit around with that big lie on your head. What do you mean? Ms.Thompson asks. I mean that you have that blonde hair on your head when I know that your twat hair is blacker than night. Ms.Thompson,shocked, replies You little brat, this is my natural hair, you don’t know what you are talking about. Jimmy says I saw your pussy and I know it’s black down there, I’d bet $10 on it. Ms.Thompson upset about his comments puts that aside when she realizes this is her opportunity to teach Jimmy a lesson You are wrong, and for that I’ll take you up on your bet, but make it $100. Jimmy replies What? that’s all my money! Ms.Thompson eggs him on I guess you don’t really know then, because you aren’t so sure. Little Jimmy says Fine, I ll bet $100 your pussy hair is black She hesitantly gets up, pulls her skirt up and shows her pivates to Jimmy. Jimmy sees that he’s wrong and gives Ms.Thompson his $100 and leaves upset with his head down. After he left, Ms.Thompson calls Jimmy’s Dad I did it Mr.Williams, I taught Jimmy a lesson, I bet Jimmy all the money he had that the hair on my head was the same color as the hair….well on a more intimate part of my body, and I won and took all his money, I don’t think he’ll be making any bets again. What? replies Jimmy’s Dad That little punk bet me $500 that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!
The blond one There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. That’s a nice flock of sheep, she said. Well thank you, said the herder. Tell you what. I have a proposition for you, said the woman. Okay, replied the herder. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home? Sure, said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, 382. Wow, said the herder. That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home. So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, Okay, now I have a proposition for you. What is it? asked the woman. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?
A Blonde is driving in the country… A Blonde is driving in the country when she passes a field. She looks out into the field and notices another blonde in a kayak, scraping along through the dirt with her paddle. The blonde pulls over to the side of the road and gets out. She cups her hands around her mouth and yells to the blonde in the kayak Hey you! you’re a disgrace to blondes everywhere! If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!
A blonde and a brunette watching the news. A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6pm news. There was a story of a man on top of a building attempting to commit suicide. The brunette bet the blonde that the man was going to the jump, the blonde didn’t think he would. After the commercial break, they saw that the man jumped. The brunette admitted that she saw the 5pm news and already saw that he would jump. The blonde admitted that she also saw the 5pm news but didn’t think that he would be stupid enough to jump again.
So a blond is in the military. So a blonde girl is a Sergeant in the military. She is giving orders to a Private. After she finishes giving orders, the Private responds. Roger So the blonde says My names not roger?
So a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver… The blonde cop says I need to see your license . The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says I can’t find it. What does it look like? . So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says it’s rectangular, and has your picture on it . The blonde driver searches through her purse but can’t find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror. She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. Oh, you can go the blonde cop says. I didn’t realize you were a cop .
A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Who hits the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde stopped to ask for directions.
666 is the Number of the Beast This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor. We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: * $666.95 – Retail price of the Beast * $699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax * $769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul * $656.66 – Walmart price of the Beast * 6, uh… what was that number again? – Number of the Blonde Beast * 00666 – Zip code of the Beast * 1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. * Route 666 – Highway of the Beast * 666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast * 666k – Retirement plan of the Beast * 6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. * i66686 – CPU of the Beast * 666i – BMW of the Beast * DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast * 668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast * 2x4x666 – Lumber of the Beast
Two blondes are on a hike through the woods They come across some tracks and stop to figure out what type they are. One blonde insists they’re bobcat tracks, the other thinks they’re moose tracks. Before they can figure it out, the train hits them.
Data’s joke from Star Trek:TNG, please finish it: A monk a clone and a ferengi decided to go bowling together. They come across some tracks and stop to figure out what type they are. One blonde insists they’re bobcat tracks, the other thinks they’re moose tracks. Before they can figure it out, the train hits them.
There were 2 blondes… So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don’t understand what you are trying to achieve? To which one of the blondes replied Well there’s usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today .
It’s so meta, even this anecdote A blonde, a brunette, and a red head walk into a bar. The bartender says, is this some kind of joke? The red head says, at least it’s not a racist one. The brunette says, oh my goodness, this is so meta. The blonde says, ‘meta?’ I hardly knew her…
Blonde Jokes VOLUME 1 If you are blonde, and you get offended by these jokes, please do not read :/ Two blondes were watching the TV, then a brown haired woman came in and turned on the TV. A blonde woman passes a giant herd of sheep with her cabriolet, and asks the farmer Can I buy one of those? . The farmer says she can, and she chooses one. This one. she said. The farmer responded That’s my Shepherd… . A blonde woman comes to a instrument shop and asks the cashier if she can buy that accordion. The cashier says No. . She paints her hair black next day and comes back and asks the same thing. The cashier again responded No… . She then paints her hair brown and comes back to the shop the day after. She asks him the same thing and he responds I know you are that stupid blonde woman again! , and then she responded How did you know?! . He said You always want to buy that radiator! A blonde comes to a man and asks What does IDK stand for? . He says I don’t know. . She then says Oh my god! Why doesn’t anybody know what this stands for! WANT MORE? TELL ME IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF THESE ARE FUNNY OR NOT, AND IF I SHOULD CONTINUE.
This blonde goes to the pediatrician… This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, How often do you change your baby? The blonde says, Once a month. The doctor yells, What? Why do you only change him once a month? The blonde says, Well, the box says ‘good up until fifteen pounds.’
A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink, and then says to the barman, Why don’t blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. He is met with a stony silence. All he hears are a set of footsteps approaching him, followed by a rough voice. Hey, buddy. I’m 6′ 4 and a trained martial artist. The guy who just served you is bigger than me and a cage fighter. The only other person in here is the biggest out of the three of us, and he’s just someone you *really* don’t want to fuck with. Now, do you want to tell that joke again? The blind man thought about it for a moment and replied, No. I’m not explaining it three times.
First joke posted. What do you guys think So a blonde girl changed her hair color to brunette and a little while later then became a dike. When asked why she became a dike she said the world has become a much harder place.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.
So a brunette is walking back and forth across railroad tracks… …and ever time she crosses she says, 42! 42! 42! A blonde happens upon her and is perplexed by what she is seeing. After watching her a while, the blonde determines that it looks like fun, and joins the brunette on the tracks saying, 42! 42! 42! Soon the Five O’clock Express comes rumbling down the line. The brunette jumps off the tracks and the train hits the blonde. The brunette patiently waits for the train to pass, but once it does she starts crossing the tracks again saying, 43! 43! 43!
I’m 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some. I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don’t even understand them. So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything. Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke. I’ve yet to be disproven on my theory that girls’ purses are just portable trash cans. They call themselves One Direction. I don’t know what that one direction is, but I’m willing to bet that it isn’t straight. Playing basketball reminds me of my sex life. I get dominated by black guys. The Bible says to love your neighbour like you love yourself, but do I really have to go jack off my neighbour? PERSONAL AD: Single male looking for some dumb bitch to celebrate women’s rights with. Helen Keller jokes are just senseless. Why are there no Jewish pirates? Arrrrrrrschwitz. Hey ladies. I need to hook you up with my brother, ’cause he’s got killer abs. Well, I say he’s got killer abs. He’s got stomach cancer. My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there’s plenty fish in the sea. He’s since been charged with beastiality. My mom said an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But apparently, she’s drawing the line at two dozen iPods. I don’t know why Christians keep asking me to read the Bible when they all keep spoiling the damn thing. NOTE: If you you think any of these are exceedingly similar to some other jokes, or are otherwise possible plagiarism candidates, let me know. I promise all these are original but that sometimes does happen.
The excited blonde . A blonde went to Brisbane for first time.. She was very excited and as soon as the plane landed in brisbane, she began shouting ”Brisbane Brisbane” The air hostess being annoyed said ” Please mam , Be silent” The blonde then shouted ”Risane Risane”
Sick Jokes 1. whats 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? crib death 2. where do you find dogs with no legs? right where you left it 3. whats red orange and looks good on dead babies? fire 4. how do you get retards out of trees? wave at them 5. how could a protistute mom tell her daughter was on her period? he could taste the blood from the little boy arcross the streets dick 6. whats the best part about losing your keys to go in your car? its on fire and all the doors are locked and your babys in there 7. whats the difference between a women and a hoover? hoovers suck all the things through 8. how could you tell your friends dead? theres a funeral across the street where you suck childrens dicks 9. how do you stop your cat from meowing? fuck it in the ass 10. why did the baby get ran over? it was his fault playing near the wheels 11. whats the worst part about losing your keys that go in your car? you had to go and pick up the girls from the abortion clinic 12. how do you make a emo cry? cut his dick off 13. why did the jew cross the road? to get away from the nazis 14. how could you tell your friend ate something? you can see he went to the aids bake sale 15. whats that smell? my dick 16. what do you say to a brunette when shes drunk? hey can i suck everything out of your vagina 17. whats the difference between a woman and a blanket? a blanket goes over you to keep you warm 18. why did the woman get embarrassed? cause she was naked 19. why is driving your car like having a piss on your toilet? you have to keep filling up your car if you want to get anywhere 20. how do you stop a cancer boy from talking? wet his lips and stick him to the wall 21. how do you kill a hundred diabetic kids? blow up their van 22. what does a mountian climber and a young lad having a blowjob from his grandma have in common? neither look down 23. whats the difference between a clown and a 6 year old? you can dress up a child as a clown (omgz so violent) 24. why do tampons have strings? so you can floss after eating 25. whats the difference between a woman and a bottle? you put bottles in your mouth and let the water come into your mouth 26. why do women wear makeup and perfume? cause they’re ugly and they stink 27. why is pizza like having a blowjob? you put pizza in your mouth (ew) 28. how do you stop a bitch from jumping on your bed? drag it to the kitchen and keep slaping her 29. whats the difference between nelson mandela and masturbating? nothing (:o omg so sick) 30. why is a teddy like a penis? it gets shooved down a little boys throat by a pedophile 31. why is a blonde like spaghetti? they both squrim when you eat them 32. what is a pornstars favorite food? chicken strips 33. whats the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old? eric clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window 34. do you ever have sex while camping? its fucking intents 35. what do you call a blind dinosaur? doyouthinkhesaurus 36. whats the difference between my gun and my dick? i dont shove my gun down a little girls throat 37. what does bread and autisic children have in common? they both have needs 38. why did tigger go to the toilet? he had to look for pooh 39. why are men like commericals? you cant believe at what they say 40. why are splinters better than women? splinters go away 41. whats the difference between a woman and a bicycle? if you want to get to work you have to keep pumping your bike 42. why arent there black people in history? cause spray paint wasnt invented untill 1949 43. how was racism created? they made black and white tv 44. why are orphans never? invited to barbacues? they dont know how to get there 45. why arent there any mexican santas? cause one only uses their lawnmower 46. why isnt there any black jews? they have to sit at the back of the oven 47. why did the black man cross the road? to get to kfc 48. why do jews have big noses? cause the air is free 49. why do jewish people like to watch hooker movies backwards? they like it when the prostitute gives the money back 50. how many disabled kids can you fit in a car? none they’re in wheelchairs if you have a sick or offensive joke leave it in the comments below
Another blonde joke A blonde walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka, and then another, and several more. By the end of the night she’s had sex with every guy in the bar… In the bar, on the bar, under the, beside the bar, behind the bar, all over the bar… The next night she comes to the same bar and orders a shot of vodka, and another, and several more, then she proceeds to have sex with every guy in the bar… In the bar, on the bar, under the, beside the bar, behind the bar, all over the bar. On the third day she comes into the same bar and orders a shot of vodka, then another, and several more, and she has sex with every guy in the bar… In the bar, on the bar, under the, beside the bar, behind the bar, all over the bar. .. The next day she goes to the same bar and orders a shot of whiskey. I thought you were a vodka girl said the barkeep. Not anymore… Vodka makes my pussy hurt
New brothel In Detroit, brothels are now automatized. One puts twenty dollars in a slot and a door opens. A politician decides to have a go. He puts in the twenty bucks and the door opens. He finds himself in a corridor with two doors: one reads Blonde , the other reads Brunette . He chooses the door with Blonde written on it. He then finds himself in another corridor with two doors: one reads Tall and the other reads Small . He opens the door with Tall written on it and finds himself in another corridor with two doors: one reads Big Tits , the other reads Small Tits . Immediately he chooses the door with Big Tits on it, and finds himself in another corridor with two doors, the one reading Small Ass , the other Large Ass . He rushes through the door with Small Ass written on it, and again finds himself in a corridor with two doors, one with Real Screw on it, the other Fancy Fuck . He throws himself on the door with Real Screw on it…and finds himself in the street on the other side of the same building!
A blond is hiking through the woods when she hears someone counting up ahead. She emerges from the tree line to find a brunette doing jumping jacks on a set of train tracks repeating, 10, 10, 10… upon every jump. The blonde says to the brunette, Excuse me for wondering, but what exactly are you doing? The brunette replies, It’s a great game I just learned called ’10’ but I have no one to play with. Want to join me? You bet! So the blonde jumps onto the train tracks with glee and they both do jumping jacks and count together for a several minutes. As you suspect, it wasn’t long before the a train comes barreling around the bend striking the blonde but missing the brunette who jumps off in the nick of time. The brunette, completely unphased, gets back on the tracks and begins jumping and counting again. 11, 11, 11…
