Two fish Two fish were in a tank. One said You man the guns and i’ll drive!
Never argue with a woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’ ‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that quite obvious?’) ‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her. ‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I am reading!’ ‘Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.’ ‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman. ‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden. ‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’ ‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
Grandma’s cookies Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with. Can your dick reach around to your ass? asked grandpa. Well, no, it can’t said jimmy. Well then sorry squirt, you can’t go . Grandma saw how sad jimmy was that he couldn’t go so told him to come inside and they’d make some cookies. A little later grandpa came back from fishing and saw the cookies. Ooh, those look great, can I have some? Can your dick reach around to your ass? asked jimmy. Why yes, it can said grandpa. Then go fuck yourself old man, these are mine.
Jew salesman A man hires a Jew as a salesman in his shop. His sales increase 400% over the next month. One day he walks into his shop while the Jew is making a sale. Jew: this is the best fishing rod for you. Customer: OK, I’ll buy it. Jew: will you wear such nice shoes and go fishing? Buy these sneakers too. Customer: OK, I’ll buy the sneakers too. Jew: Won’t you need a hat while fishing since it’ll be so sunny? Customer: sure, I’ll need a hat also. Jew: would you like to buy some snacks while fishing? Customer: yes, I will buy some snacks too. The owner is very happy with his Jew salesman. After the customer leaves … Owner: I am very happy with your work. The customer came in for a fishing rod and you sold him so many things. Jew: he did not come to buy the fishing rod. He came to buy sanitary pads for his wife. I told him what will he do for four days.
And that’s how the fight started… (x-post /r/funny) My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ … She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, Then I’d like to phone a friend. And that’s when the fight started… ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please. He said, Aren’t you worried about the mad cow? Nah, she can order for herself. And that’s when the fight started… _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, Do you know him? Yes , she sighed, He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since. My God! I said, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And then the fight started… ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway. And that’s when the fight started… _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What’s on TV? I said, Dust. And then the fight started… ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible. My loving wife of 5 years replied, And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that? And that’s how the fight started… _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started… ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’ And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. I replied, Your eyesight’s damn near perfect. And then the fight started… ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ And that’s when the fight started… ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year! And that’s how the fight started… ————————————- **[Original Post](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1mylpg/how_the_fight_startedfound_on_facebook/)**
Two fish are in a tank… Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, do you know how to drive this thing?
A Texas Salesman A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks him, Do you have any sales experience? Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? One. Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? $79,237.64. His boss is astounded. $79,237.64? What did you sell him? Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban. The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? The young man replied, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’
Two fish are in a tank… One fish says to the other ‘how the fuck do you drive this thing?’
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back. The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and vodka flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil. The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right? The Golden fish nodded. And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land? Again, nodding in affirmation. Alright, just fill it full of water then.
An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.) I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol’ handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he was out at the nearby HEB (big 24 hour grocery chain) one night at like 3am and he sees this drunk passed out on the ground. Just as he spots him, a cop does too, so he decides to help keep the guy out of the drunk tank for the night, because shit, he’d been there before. So he scurries over just before the cop gets there, and explains that Oh no no, he’s fine, sir, I was just pulling the car around, I’m taking him straight home. He pulls the guy up to his feet and kind of half carries, half walks him over to his own truck. Leans him up against it so he can get his keys back out and WHAM, the guy just topples. He sighs and kind of pins him up against the truck with his shoulder til his fishes out his keys, then goes to toss him in the cabin, but as soon as he sets him down he just crumples and tips out onto the ground again. The cop’s starting to walk over so he crams him back in again, holds him against the seat while he buckles him in, hops in the driver’s seat and takes off. After a few minutes he realizes he has no idea where the fuck he’s heading, so he pulls into a gas station and tries to get the guy to give him some directions. All he can get out of him is a few gurgles and belches, but he realizes he’s probably got some kind of ID, so he rummages through his pockets and finds a wallet in his jacket. The driver’s license is expired, but it at least looks like him, so he plugs the listed address into his phone’s GPS and starts heading back out. It’s way out in buttfuck nowhere, but he finally gets there and wakes the guy back up. He hops out of the truck and goes around the other side of the cabin to help him out. The guy kind of flops his hand around by the buckle, accomplishing nothing, then just gives him the most pathetic Help please look, so he reaches over him and pops the buckle. The drunk dude starts waving his arms in front of him like a zombie at a rave so he grabs his arms and pulls him out of the truck, and as soon as he lets go, BAM, on the floor. By this point it’s like 4:30am, he wants to be done with this shit, so he yanks the guy up by the collar, pushes him against the truck so he can lock it up, and starts to drag him toward the door. The guy’s not even trying to walk by this point, he’s just mumbling and giggling and belching, and the more he does it the more pissed off my friend gets. No good deed goes unpunished, the house is out in the country so the walk up to the door takes for-fucking-ever even if you’re not hauling some stupid asshole drunk on bathtub vodka, and to make matters worse, every few feet he starts ranting and insisting that he can walk, and flopping around like an asshole til my friend would stand him up, let him go, then sure enough, WHAM. Face first onto the gravel. This happens a good four times before he gives up and just ignores him. They finally reach the door, and he rings the bell. The guy’s being a shithead again so he just lets his ass fall and this time he just lays there. Finally a little old lady answers the door and my friend explains where he found him, and that he’s perfectly fine, just absolutely shithoused. She thanks him profusely, then asks But where’s his wheelchair?
Fishing secret A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn’t had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. What’s your secret buddy, I mean you’ve been pulling in fish left and right all day long. Ooo gahh takee darmns orm the guy says. What?? Ooo gahh takee darmns orm I’m sorry, I just can’t understand you. Oh…, he says and spits something in his hand. You’ve got to keep the worms warm.
A pot-heads ice-fishing experience. A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice. There’s no fish there! Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole. There’s no fish there either! Yells the voice again. The stoner looks around wildly and asks, Is that you God? No, says the voice, I own the fucking ice rink!
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He didn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands. 2. He had wine with His meals. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature. 2. He ate a lot of fish. 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it. 3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
A sailor walked into a bar with a shrunken head… He sat down as all the other seafaring folk all stared in silence at the size of this mans tiny skull. He pulled up a stool and ordered a pint. Curiosity got the better of one of the other men and he just had to ask what happened to your head? Ah I was out on my own fishing for months out in the middle of god knows where, one morning at dawn amongst the mist I spot a mermaid upon a rock. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She said she’d grant me one wish, she would do anything I wanted. The very next day I find myself talking to ye folk. Yes but what happened? What did you ask for? …. I said all I wanted was a little head.
God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden… …and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. Great! Says Adam. We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful! God asks, Speaking of Eve, where is she? . To that Adam Replies Oh, she’s down at the beach washing up. God is furious. WHAT? NOW I’LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!
Gone Fishing. So a man walks up to his his wife and says, Honey, today you the dog and I are going fishing. The wife says, I hate fishing so much, I refuse to go. Alright , says the husband, in that case I will give you three options. Give me head, do anal, or go fishing. The wife takes some time to think about it and then later walks up to her husband and say, I have decided that I will give you head. She gets down and sucks her husbands dick and is drawn aback and say, Your dick tastes like absolute shit! The husband say, The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.
So three guys go camping… So three guys go camping and there all strait and there all in one tent side by side and they go to sleep every things good, in the morning there on a boat fishing and talking and the guy on the left side of the tent that night said that he had a dream where he was getting the best hand-job ever and the guy on the right like no way me too what about you the guy in the middle was like no hand-job I dreamt I was skiing in my dream.
Three old cowboys… Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it. Aw, that’s nuthin’ says Raph, once when I was ridin’ across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a draw plumb full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin’ em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they’d strike, I’d grab em and bite their heads off. Jed just stood there stokin’ the fire with his penis.
So Johnny caught a fish He caught it down by the pond, and it was a really big one. Johnny, a country boy, was playing hooky from the local Catholic school. He was carrying his big fish down the road – and who does he run into but Sister Mary, one of the nuns in the parish. She says Johnny! Skipping school again!? What will we do with you? But – goodness is that a fish?? Why it’s one of the biggest I’ve ever seen! Johnny, quite proudly, holds it up yep – ain’t it the bestest son of a bitch you ever seen? Sister Mary is shocked. Johnny! Such language! But Johnny, thinking fast, said Oh no, Sister Mary, I wasn’t cussin’ at all! Why, um, that’s just what the local folk around here call that kind of fish. You got your trout, your flounders – and your sons-of-bitches Well Sister Mary is quite relieved, and says why, I had no idea! Learn something new every day! Say – why don’t we take this, uh, son of a bitch and show it to the Mother Superior? I’m sure she’d be *very* impressed! So they go together to the village, and show the fish to the Mother Superior, and Sister Mary says Isn’t this a beautiful son of a bitch? The Mother Superior is also shocked, and Sister Mary quickly explains that this is just the local term for this kind of fish, and it’s perfectly acceptable to use the vernacular. Relieved, the Mother Superior says, we simply must show this excellent fish to the Monsignor! So they bring the fish to the Monsignor, and the Mother Superior says Isn’t this the largest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen? The Monsignor is also shocked, but as before the Mother Superior explains – local term, we try to fit in with the people etc and the Monsignor is relieved and says This is indeed an excellent fish. The Archbishop is in residence – let us serve this fish for his supper! So the fish is cooked, and the entire party – Johnny, Sister Mary, the Mother Superior and the Monsignor – all join the Archbishop for supper since, after all, it’s appropriate to occasionally break bread with all levels of society. It’s a wonderful meal, and there’s nothing left of the fish but bones, and the Monsignor rubs his belly saying That was a really good son of a bitch! The Mother Superior agrees, Why, I think that was the best son of a bitch I ever tasted! Sister Mary adds, I just love good son of a bitch! Johnny proudly adds And I was the one that caught that son of a bitch!! The Archbishop looks at them all, looking from on to another. He slowly gets up, gets a cigar from his desk and returns. He puts his feet up on the table, lights the cigar and through a cloud of smoke says, You are *my* fucking kind of people!
Fish out of water. I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home. I said, How is he coping, getting on all right? . She replied, Oh, no, he’s like a fish out of water… So I said, Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust? She replied, No, he’s dead.
You Never Learn Nothin’ A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, Why does the boat float? The father replied, Don’t rightly know son. A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, How do fish breath underwater? Once again the father replied, Don’t rightly know son. A little later the boy asked his father, Why is the sky blue? Again, the father repied. Don’t rightly know son. Finally, the boy asked his father, Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? The father replied, Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.
The family of a farmer and their cow There once was a man who lived with his wife and three sons on a farm. They were poor and their whole wealth was a single prized cow. On one morning, the farmer went into to the barn and shockingly found his beloved cow dead on the ground. He couldn’t bare telling his family about the loss so he grabed a rope and hung himself. A few hours later his wife came into the barn and found her husband and the cow both dead. She then took a knife and slit her wrists. On the next morning the youngest son went looking for his missing parents and after finding them and the cow dead in the barn, he knew he had to relax from the shock, so he took his fishing rod and went to go fishing to the nearby river. After sitting at the river for the whole day, he surprisingly hooked something big and heavy and after reeling it in, he realized it was a beautiful mermaid. My dear boy, she said to him I know about the death of your parents. I have the power to bring them back to life, but in return you have to make love to me. ‘Awesome’ thought the boy and he went at it. After an hour of intense lovemaking he realized that he was under some sort of spell and the mermaid wouldn’t stop humping him. Then, after another hour he died of exhaustion in the middle of the act. On the next morning the middle-old son also realized that everybody was dead and he also went to the river to go fishing. He also caught the same mermaid and she said the same to him as she did to his younger brother. He accepted her proposition and they began to make love. He lasted twice as long as his younger brother, but in the end he also died of exhaustion. On the last morning, the oldest son realized everybody was dead and he did the same his sibblings have done. He also caught the very same mermaid and with a grin or her face, she also said the same thing to him. So they began, and after lasting several hours the mermaid thought that this one was quite enduring and that she would take alot out of him. But then the morning came and they were still at it, he lasted the next day and the next night after that. Finally after several days of intense lovemaking the mermaid suddenly collapsed and died of exhaustion. So the young boy stood up, pulled up his pants and thought to himself: ‘not bad – but not as good as the cow.’
Give a man a fish Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Fish 24:7
A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden. A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish. The game warden asked the man, May I see your fishing license please? Naw, sir, replied the redneck. I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish. Pet fish!?!? Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home. What a line of baloney….you’re under arrest. The redneck said, It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!! WE do, now, do WE? smirked the warden. PROVE it! The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, Well? Well, WHUT? said the redneck. The warden asked, When are you going to call em back? Call who back? The FISH, replied the warden! Whut fish? asked the redneck.
Do you own a lawn mover? Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says, You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes. Peter agrees that it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Robert goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:Math, English, history, and Logic. Logic? Robert says. What’s that? The dean says, I’ll show you. Do you own a lawn mower? Yeah. Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard. That’s true, I do have a yard. I’m not done, the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think, logically, that you would have a house. Yes, I do have a house And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family. I do have a family. I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife. Of course. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual. I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawn mower. Excited to take the class now, Robert shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Peter at the bar. He tells Peter about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English History, and Logic. Logic? Peter says, What’s that? Robert says, I’ll show you. Do you have a lawn mower? No. Then you’re a queer. —————————————— It’s all in the delivery. Depending on the person and how you tell it, you can half-mutter fag as the punch-line.
A list of hilarious ambiguous headlines All of these are from http://www.fun-with-words.com/ambiguous_headlines.html PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS 12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
slight variation on an arguable classic: How do mermaids reproduce? Binary fish-ion.
Texas Chili Cook Off (always makes me laugh so hard I cry, thought I’d share) *NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.* For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: **Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili** Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy fuck, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. **Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili** Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. **Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili** Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer. **Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic** Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT — just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? **Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover** Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. **Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety** Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. **Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili** Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. **Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili** Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.
A young man notices a large wooden chest next to his girlfriend’s bed. He asks her what’s inside and she changes the subject, so he decides not to pry. On their one year anniversary, he asks her again. Again, she changes the subject and he lets it go. They date for a few more years and get married, and on their wedding night, he asks again about the chest’s contents. She redirects the conversation and he let’s it go, although he’s very reluctant to at this point. They have a happy marriage, a couple kids and a nice, normal life. On their 50th wedding anniversary, he says to his wife, Listen, I’ve been very respectful of your privacy. I’ve never tried to open the chest against your wishes. It’s been over fifty years and i think I deserve to know what’s in that chest. She tells him she will show him after the anniversary party. The party ends and the guests leave. The man and his wife go upstairs to the bedroom and she fishes a key out of one of her drawers and opens the chest. Inside, is a boatload of cash, neatly stacked…and two ears of corn. The man looks at his wife, very puzzled, and asks what the corn is for. She tells him, for every time she cheated on him, she put in an ear of corn. The man is visibly stunned, and asks… And the money?… The wife replies… Every time I got a bushel…I sold it!
Why did Bill Gates & Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, Go fish .
Fishing with My Dad When I was young My dad took me out on my first fishing trip. I was excited as we left on the boat, but after several unsuccessful hours it became very boring. My dad cracked open a beer, and I asked for one. He looked at me and asked, well how old are you? 13 I replied.He asked, Well can your dick touch your ass? Embarrassed, I responded No. Then you can’t have a beer. LAter he pulled out a cigar, and as he was smoking it I asked to have a puff. He looked at me and said, Again, Can your dick touch your ass? No Then you’re too young for cigars. That night we returned to camp, with only a single large fish. My dad said, Son, it’s a good thing you caught this fish, otherwise we would have no dinner. **WE** have dinner? We’re going to share my fish dad? Well let me ask you one thing, Can your dick touch your ass? My dad responded, Yes it can I said, Good, then go fuck yourself
So John and Dave walk into a bar And they are looking for any jobs that are going. They ask around but no-one has any work available. So after a while a man comes in and slaps a large Bass on the counter and, to their amazement, the bartender gives him £50! So they ask the man, Where abouts did you catch that?! To which the man replies, I just fish at the bridge down the road. Quickly, the pair of them head off to the bridge before they realize they don’t have a rod. After awhile of thinking they decide that John will lower Dave down and he will try to catch them while they swim past. 10 Minutes pass and John shouts to Dave, Got anything? Nothing yet, Dave replies Another 10 minutes pass and once again john shouts, Got anything? Still nothing 2 minutes later, Dave suddenly shouts, PULL ME UP, PULL ME UP! Exited, John asks, What did you catch! No no! A trains coming!
Little boy and his grandpa go fishing One day a little boy goes fishing with his grandpa. While they are out on the boat, the grandpa pulls out a beer and cracks it open. The boy asks Can I have one? Does your dick touch your ass hole? Says the grandpa. No says the boy Well there’s your answer A while later the grandpa pulls out a cigar and lights it up. The boy asks Can I have one? Does your dick touch your ass hole? Says the grandpa. No says the boy Well there’s your answer Later on the boy pulls out a small bag of cookies. The grandpa asks Can I have one? Does your dick touch your ass hole? Says the boy. As a matter of fact, it does says the grandpa. Well then go fuck yourself, these cookies are mine
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis One day a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were having a conversation. The Pickle says, You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar. The Cucumber says, Yeah, you think that’s bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad. The Penis says, You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, fishy room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!
How Do You Start a Flood? An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. That’s quite a coincidence, said the engineer. I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
Two whales There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ”I’ve got an idea for a laugh, why don’t we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it. Okay, says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, ”I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don’t we swim back up and eat them?” The other whale then replies ”No thanks. I’m all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen.
On the phone while fishing… I was on the phone with an interviewer today while fishing when all of the sudden I get a bite, I pause trying to decide what to do. Then I tell him, Hey can you hold for a second? I’ve got fish on line two.
Fox News I was on the phone with an interviewer today while fishing when all of the sudden I get a bite, I pause trying to decide what to do. Then I tell him, Hey can you hold for a second? I’ve got fish on line two.
The postman retires It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what’s the dollar for? Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him, give him a dollar. The lady then said, The breakfast was my idea.
Blondes Vs. Brunettes Battle Q: Why are there no brunette jokes? A: Because blondes would have to think them up. Q: Why are brunette jokes one-liners? A1: So blondes can REMEMBER them. A2: Because it would HURT a blonde’s brain to think of a longer one. Q: Why do brunettes wear training bras ? A: It’s cheaper than changing their bandaids every day. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water? A: A blonde trying to put it out. Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A: A hostage Q:What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch? A: The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q. What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A. A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes. Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? A. Brown-bagging it. Q. What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? A. No one else wants it. Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? A. Invisible. Q. What’s a brunette’s mating call? A. Has the blonde left yet? Q. Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes? A. The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable. Q. Why is brunette’ considered an evil color? A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party? A. The invitation Q. Who makes bras for brunettes? A. Fisher-Price Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? A. It matches their moustache.
An Old Joke Updated Yesterday was our one year anniversary. Unfortunately, my fianc e, who has vertigo as a result of brain surgery, fell while retrieving the morning newspaper, and cracked her head causing a black eye. Today, when she went to work she told the following story to her office mates, who immediately became suspicious: *Yesterday was our anniversary so he took me out to dinner. Fish was on the special so he ordered the halibut. When it arrived, I accidentally knocked it on the floor. So you see, he did it for the halibut.*
The fishing trip So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn’t make it. Look, it’s the wife. She’s been saying I haven’t been spending enough time with her. Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn’t rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date. The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff. What’s the deal, Jim? asked one of the fishermen. So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she’s been reading *50 Shades of Grey*. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!
Ole and Sven A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. why sure, comes the reply. The first man then asks: where ya from? Norway, replies the second man. The first man responds, Ya don’t say, I’m from Norway too! Let’s have another round to Norway. Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Norway are ya from? Bergen, comes the reply. I can’t believe it, says the first man. I’m from Bergen too! Let’s have another drink to old Bergen. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: So, where did you live? On a boat, at the fishin’ docks, replies the second man. Dis is unbelievable!, the first man says. I lived on a boat at the fishin’ docks, too! About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What’s up?, he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again.
Lost in the Desert [Part 2] So, are you the snake that tempted Eve? said Jack. Beats me, said Nate. Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals. Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there? asked Jack. Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake – much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since. What is this place? said Jack. And what did he ask you to do? Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone? Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way. You can’t touch that yet, Jack, said Nate. Why not? asked Jack. I haven’t explained it to you yet, replied Nate. Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something, said Jack. You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot. Yep, that’s what it is, replied Nate. What does it do? asked Jack. End the world? Oh, no, said Nate. Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’. For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned. Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do? Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said, smirked Nate. I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you? Nate continued to grin. A lever to end humanity? asked Jack. What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity? Well, replied Nate, I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here. Rules? What rules? asked Jack. The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it. explained Nate. Jack looked somewhat shocked. You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity? Yep, replied Nate, if you want to. Nate looked at Jack carefully. Do you want to, Jack? Umm, no. said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it? Yep, replied Nate, being as he’d be human too. Has anyone ever seriously considered it? asked Nate. Any of those bound to secrecy, that is? Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here. Nate grinned some more. Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me? That seems to be it, agreed Nate. What kind of criteria do I use to decide? said Jack. How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that? Nope, replied Nate. You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know. But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up? protested Jack. Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack. Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me? Yep, replied Nate. He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago. Sounds like a good guy, agreed Jack. How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do? Well, said Nate, he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing. What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me? asked Jack. He asked me about the third request, replied Nate. Aha! It was Jack’s turn to grin. And what did you tell him? I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out. Nate looked serious again. And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack. Hmmm. Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while. Nate watched him, waiting. Nate, continued Jack, quietly, eventually. What did Samuel ask for with his third request? Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him. Ok, said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, give it to me. Nate looked at Jack’s backside. Give you what, Jack? Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too. Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. It did help him, right? He said it did, replied Nate. But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about. Well, yeah, I can see that, said Jack. So, give it to me. Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up. Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both. You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack? asked Nate, shifting position. Yeah, yeah, I got that, replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice. And, continued Nate, from his new position, do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes? Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute! said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. Purple?! He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it. Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s Just Kidding! right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock. Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten. Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake. Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around. Nate, do accidents count? Nate lifted his head a little bit. What do you mean, Jack? Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly, said Nate with some amusement. A little later – Does it have to be me that pulls the lever? asked Jack. That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it, answered Nate. No, Jack shook his head, I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock? Yes, those should work, replied Nate. Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared. Wow, said Jack, Cool. Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky. Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right? asked Jack. Yes, replied Nate, it was. He lived 167 years, Jack. Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate? He died of getting tired of living, Jack, Nate said, sounding somewhat sad. Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight. Nate looked back. Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway. His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time. And then he just died? asked Jack. Nate shook his head a little. He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite. After a bit Nate continued, He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had. After another pause, Nate finished, Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise. Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep. Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat. So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily. Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it. Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate. Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions. Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first. Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite. After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year. After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school. Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings. But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally. On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited. After a few minutes, Nate spoke. Jack, I have someone to introduce you to. Jack looked surprised. Someone to introduce me to? Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. This something to do with the Big Guy? No, no, replied Nate. This is more personal. I want you to meet my son. Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. Sammy! Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever. Yo, Jack, said the new, much smaller snake. Yo, Sammy replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. Named after Samuel, I assume? Nate nodded. Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me? Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack? Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need? Jack could sense that was something more. Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya! Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight. Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate. Nate grinned to himself. But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement. Jack considered this for a minute. So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone? Nate shook his head. No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die. Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, What do you want me to do? Nate nodded. Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request. I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me. I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword. Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me. You willing to do that for me, Jack? Nate turned back to look at Jack. Yeah, Nate, replied Jack solemnly, I think I can handle that. Nate nodded. Good! He turned back toward the dune and shouted, Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave! Then quietly, Thanks, Jack. Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general. When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances. So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate. When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert. When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark. As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight. Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert. Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving. As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side. Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster. Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity. Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away. Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right. The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side. Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing. Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!, he ran over the snake. The End 🙂 Disclaimer: This is not my joke and I have heard many versions of this joke, but I can’t say I have ever seen this specific joke on /r/Jokes. Just letting you know, this was copypasta straight from its [source](http://longestjokeintheworld.com/). This story is apparently meant to be a personality test and I can copypasta that info onto here also, but basically all it says is that the people who read the entire joke and enjoyed it, tend to not be stressed and enjoy the journey of life. This is 11% of people. The ones who read like 3 lines and skip to the bottom are usually are the ones that are very inside the box and don’t normally enjoy surprises. This is 56% of people. The people who read about 1/3 of the way with the intention of making it to the end, but start to question their decision, are usually the ones who quit quickly when challenge stares them in the face. This is 33% of people TL;DR – If you skipped this far you missed the punchline . . . and must find it or suffer the suspense or never knowing it >:D
The new salesman. A man gets a job as a salesman at a brand new superstore. At the end of his first day, his supervisor comes up to him and asks how many sales he made. Just one, the man replied. Somewhat annoyed at this, the supervisor asks how much the sale was for. $68,721.42 is the answer. Immediately taken back, he asks the salesman to explain this spectacular number. Well, a guy came in here and after a lot of convincing, I sold him a new truck, boat and trailer, a half dozen fishing rods, and almost 100 lures. There’s no way he planned to spend over $68,000 in one trip, the supervisor tells the salesman. Of course not, the new employee replies. He came in to buy tampons for his wife and I told him ‘Aww, man, your weekend is shot. You should go fishing.’
About a Russian fisherman A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day. He catches a goldfish, which says Don’t eat me! If you let me go, I’ll grant you one wish. Boris replies Alright, I want to piss Vodka The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go. When he comes home, his wife Natasha asks how the fishing went, but he hurriedly left for the bathroom. He took a glass from the kitchen first. When he took a piss in the glass, he was amazed that his wish came true. He smelled it, and it smelled like vodka. He looked at it, and it looked like vodka. He tasted it, and it tasted like the best vodka in the world. He ran downstairs and yelled Natasha, taste this! She replied It’s amazing! Where did you get it? To what he replied Ah, that’s a secret! So this continues for a few weeks, when Boris comes to bed with only 1 glass of Vodka. Natasha asked him Why do you only have 1 glass, when there are 2 of us? And so Boris smiled and said Natasha… Tonight you drink straight from the bottle.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall… The one fish turns to the other and says Damn .
You Might be a Redneck Jedi If * You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with ya’ll. * Your Jedi robe is camouflage. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookies are offended by your B.O. * You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. * Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side it’ll be a hoot. * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. * You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. * Your business cards read Billy Bob, Jedi Master . * You know Ewoks squeal like pigs. * You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster. * Your land-speeder had a light saber rack. * If you hear Billy Bob, I am your father AND your uncle!
On a boat on a lake… A kid and his grandfather are out fishing. Some time passes and the grandfather reaches under his bench and pulls out a 6 pack of beer. Cracks one open and starts drinking. The grandson looks at him and says hey grandpa can I have one of those? The grandfather asks, well can your dick touch your ass? No , the grandson replies. Well then you can’t have one. Some more time passes and the grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The grandfather says Where the hell did you get those?! Grandma made ’em for me he replies. Well can I have one? Can you dick touch your ass? Yeah Then go fuck yourself
Oral sex caused Michael Douglas’s throat cancer; Surgeon General orders that vaginas be tattooed with cancer warning. A kid and his grandfather are out fishing. Some time passes and the grandfather reaches under his bench and pulls out a 6 pack of beer. Cracks one open and starts drinking. The grandson looks at him and says hey grandpa can I have one of those? The grandfather asks, well can your dick touch your ass? No , the grandson replies. Well then you can’t have one. Some more time passes and the grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The grandfather says Where the hell did you get those?! Grandma made ’em for me he replies. Well can I have one? Can you dick touch your ass? Yeah Then go f*ck yourself
