On a cold winter night in Detroit Bobby Johnson was born to Wilhelmina and Brock Johnson. The year was 1948; the war was over, most people were well off and the only things society deemed worth worrying about was the content of particular domicile under ownership of a particular Mr. Jones’ and the proximity of Old Joe Stalin’s hand in relation to a very scary red button. Unfortunately the Johnsons didn’t get to live the life that most people associate with that era. Little Bobby Johnson was the seventh of seven child that had the misfortune to pass through Ms. Johnson’s birth canal. He grew up in the mean streets of Motor City, USA. It was the sorta place where the obituaries were filled with stupid young men, hearts filled with passion, each of whom died long before his time. Bobby was the school punching bag. Everyone beat the shit outta Bobby. That’s just how it was. It was just a thing young boys did to other young boys. Always has and always will be. There was one exception of course, and that was Brett Anders, a wall of muscle topped with a blonde flattop. Brett took sadistic pleasure in making the lives of those around him hell, a specially Bobby. He beat the poor boy to a pulp every day and stole his lunch money, which he didn’t even need for any particular reason. Bobby’s own home served as no place of refuge. His father took offense to Bobby’s love of literature and playing the guitar his father had inherited from a distant cousin, seeing them as tell-tale signs of a faggot’ and no son of his was going to be a faggot. He saw it as his mission with Bobby to beat the faggotry of him with a belt. He never told Bobby this to his face. In the darkest corner of his mind he knew it was a way to make the pain go away; the pain of waking up too early on a shitty bed to go to a shitty job only to come back home to a shitty house and a cold woman that don’t love you no more. The pain of having to watch a the life leave the eyes of a Jap soldier whose bleeding out in a ditch, knowing that you threw the grenade that put him in his current state of hellish agony. The pain of having to watch Connor Murphy, your best friend from high school get gunned down by a Jap who had just surrendered, only to pull out a Nambu the moment you took your eyes off him. Brock Johnson was a man with many demons, but none of them excuse every time he took his fists and belt to Bobby’s flesh. If you didn’t already guess it, he was an unpleasant man, whose only friends where Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan, who were frequently present during Bobby’s many beatings; not to mention those of his other children and his wife. Bobby’s life changed one day at school when he experienced what he at first believed to be an act the divine as for a moment he had wholeheartedly believe that a bona-fide angel had descended from the heavens to take the seat to his left on the first day of 6th grade english. Her face was water to a dying man, her flawless skin glistened in the morning sun, and her eyes were two magnificent sapphires behind which lay a fire that burned bright enough to illuminate even the darkest recesses of space. She played with her light brown hair as Bobby looked at her the same way a man would look at a priceless Monet in a museum, though only for a few moments as he had to eventually come back to his senses. For Bobby, however, those few moments might have well been centuries. Her name was Heather Patterson. They became friends, having similar interests such as the works of H.G. Wells, Lucille Ball, Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio, and of course The King. They would spend hours every day listening to the King, drinking Coca Cola, and reading all those good old comics from every nerd’s two best friends; Stan and Jack. She became Bobby’s sanctuary from the big scary thing that was his life. One day near the end of the eighth grade Bobby found Heather getting all felt up by Brett and his boys in an alley. Nobody in that alley was aware of him a moment he could walk away and let everything that was about to happen happen. There would be no consequences for Brett. Few women even reported rapes in those days and even if Heather did, there was nothing that Brett’s money couldn’t fix. He could walk away, but Bobby knew that the decision that he made here was going to be decide what kind of man he was going to be. He stepped into that alley and fought like a wild animal, giving Brett and his posse a beating they would remember till the end of their days. He sent Brett and his gang running in fear and pain. Afterward he leaned up against the hard brick wall, bleeding like nobody’s business and looking at Heather, not sure what to say. Heather asked him why he dared to go against Brett. In his dazed state he confessed his love for her and she confessed her love for him. After she patched up his wounds they made sweet, sweet love in the backseat of his car. Their hearts were pounding in excitement as they removed each other’s clothes and he planted an amorous kiss on the left side her supple neck. Then, as soon as they were both fully naked, he took his erect penis and entered her. It lasted for about three minutes, but they were three minutes of pure ecstasy for all parties involved. Bobby and Heather continued their relationship through high school. They were happy and her parents always liked Bobby.The only thing they didn’t see eye to eye on was their future. Heather would never leave Detroit and Bobby wanted to leave the moment he turned 18. He hated the city. On his 18th birthday the choice was made for him when he was drafted to fight in Vietnam or at least that’s what he believed. He loved Heather, but he couldn’t stand Detroit. Heather cried for days when he told her the news and for days when she left. Bobby’s last view of her was on a train platform, tears dripping down from those sapphire eyes. Bobby trained for a little while with the marines before being shipped out to a little Vietnamese town called Khe Sanh on January 28th, 1968. Two days later it was attacked as a part of Tet offensive. Bobby watched as men were ripped apart by artillery and Kalashnikov fire. For months he fought bravely against the NVA while witnessing the horrors of war. Near the end of the battle he was shot in the leg and sent to recuperate on a nearby aircraft carrier. Once healed he received the medal of valor and an honorable discharge. A few months later Bobby found himself in Los Angeles, debating on whether or not to board a plane back to Detroit. He decided to think that decision through and went to a small, obscure nightclub with a friend of his. That night mother of the musician that was supposed to perform had a stroke, leaving the club without any entertainment. His friend, who had listened to him sing and play guitar during the war, convinced him to take the stage and Bobby did. He ended up impressing everyone who was present. After playing for a few hours Bobby took a break and was approached by a man in a suit. The man introduced himself as Werner Faust and said he worked for a record company and that he would like to offer Bobby an album deal. Bobby accepted the deal and within a few years he became wildly successful. He was an international sensation and made a lot of money, which was nice, because he needed it to finance the heroin addiction he picked up in Nam. Eventually he moved was asked to star in films. First it was just bit parts so that people could say Hey, it’s Bobby Johnson! , but all that changed when he was asked to star in a low-budget spaghetti western titled Single Action Fury’. There his previously unknown acting talent shined and he began to be taken seriously as an actor, landing him bigger and bigger roles, all while his music career was still going strong. Eventually his life changed again while staring in an Oscar-award winning drama titled Five Nights in Azerbaijan’, where he co starred with a woman named Ramona Thachett. She was the queen bee of Hollywood. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a body most people can’t even dream of; she was Helen of Troy reincarnated. They started dating and eventually married on a beach in Southern California. They lived happily for a long time, Ramona and Bobby gave birth to two beautiful daughters, Jackie and Marilyn, and continued to act. Bobby even published a novel and kicked his heroin addiction (the later for his children), though both are easier said than done and Bobby was more than content to live his life never having to do either again. In 1987, at 38 years old he decided to run for state senate. He was popular and resonated with the voters. Some pundits even went so far as to say that he was the next Ronald Reagan. During his campaign he was offered money and friendship’ by a the local mafia. He rejected it, and as a result was made an example of. One night the police arrived at his house and arrested him in full view of his wife and children. He was charged with the murder of an underage prostitute that he had never seen before. The judge, the jury, even his own lawyer, were bought and paid for by the mob. The decision was swift: 25 years in prison. During those long two and a half decades Ramona filed for divorce and his daughters seldom visited him. Ramona ended up dumping almost all of their money down the crapper during the Dot-com bubble in the late nineties, leaving the family broke. The last he heard of Ramona, she and the girls were living with her sister in Charleston, South Carolina. In prison Bobby’s fortune continued to be bleak. He was sodomized and sexually enslaved by a gang of neo-nazies. His torment continued for many years, until he was released in 2012, at age 64. Bobby’s freedom was unfortunately, paired with some bad news: in his last days of imprisonment he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He had six months to live. On his way out of prison he was greeted by a man named Nick O’Malley. Nick said he was a private investigator hired by his old high school to track him down and invite him to a reunion party they were having. Bobby used a good chunk of his remaining money to fly back to Detroit to attend the party, having nothing else to do with himself. He sat down at a table, all alone. On the other side of the room, he saw an old woman, with eyes like sapphires sitting alone. He had to talk to her, but his mouth was parched. He decided to get something to drink first, something without alcohol, as he had dumped that along with the heroin, so many years ago. He went to the punch bowl, and to his surprise nobody wanted any punch. There was no punch-line. Hey Reddit, I wrote this joke for you all of you. I hope you like it.
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, What would you like to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the guy. How about nuclear power? OK, she said. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? The guy thought about it and said, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the girl replied, Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit? You Don’t Know Shit
depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. What’s the matter? Jack asked. I’ve been transferred to New Orleans, there’s crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate. Jack replied, I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world. The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living? Me? said Jack. I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck. This happened on a flight getting ready to
6:00 Alarm 6:15 Get a Blow job 6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by a naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Several beers on route to the airport 9:15 Flight in personal Learjet 9:30 Limo to Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route) 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par) 11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon 12:15 Get another Blow job 12:30 Another Blow job 2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons) 2:30 Fly to Bahamas 3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot 4:30 Land world record Marlin (1,634 lbs.), on light tackle 5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally) 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch news: Obama Impeached 7:30 Dinner: Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits 9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game 9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer 11:30 Night-cap blow job 11:45 In bed alone 11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room 11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep My Perfect Day
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penises and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours? He coolly replies, Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you. Sex Statistics on a Plane.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? We’re taking American Airlines, was the reply. We got a great rate! American Airlines? exclaimed the barber. That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott. That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there? We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. That’s rich, laughed the barber. You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. It was wonderful, explained the man. Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! Well, muttered the barber, I know you didn’t get to see the Pope. Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. Really? asked the Barber. What’d he say? He said, Where’d you get the shitty haircut? courtesy of planet-38 The Haircut
A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor? Of course, what may I do for you? the priest replied. Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. It’s unopened and over my customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps? I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie, said the devout man. With your honest face, Father, no one will question you. When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, Father, do you have anything to declare? From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. The official thought this answer strange, so asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman’s use, but which is, to date, unused. The official said, Go ahead, Father. A Priest helps a young woman at the airport
and they are getting ready to land the plane. The weather is extremely poor outside and the landing is quite rough but they manage to get the plane down safely. Once on the ground the co-pilot turns to the captain and says Damn, that was the shortest runway I’ve ever seen the captain replies yeah, and so wide! There are 2 pilots in a cockpit
of working in his shop six days a week (and ofter spending the seventh preparing if for the next day opening), James decided it was time for a little vacation. But what to do? Where to go? He spent days choosing a destination, whether he would take the train or the plane, if there was something special to think about. The concept of being free for a time was new to him and he decided to let himself guide through the world by going on a cruise. The big day finally comes and James is ready, he prepared everything that he put in a brand new suitcase he baught for the occasion. He takes the taxi to the harbour and stands in front of a gigantic ship, the size of a building, with as many windows. James wonders for a time how such a magestic piece of metal can swim, but his fears are gone as soon as he enters the line and gets ready to step on the monster. Once in his cabin, James looks around him and realizes that this room looks like an hotel room and that everything seems as comfortable as any other room. Suddenly, he realizes he had to take an elevator to come here and that his position is comparable to being in the 10th floor of a house. I wonder what the view looks like , he thinks. As he opens the round window and passes his head outside, he can see his hometown from a point of view he had never seen. And looking down, all the people look like ants! Amongst them, James recognizes Richard, an old friend, and he starts calling him: Richard, Richard! Up there, I’m just here! Hey, James, what are you doing here? That’s it, I take that vacation trip I talk you about, I’m going on a cruise! That’s great, but why did you put a boat around your neck? After twenty years
One day a guy(john) is on a plane going to see his family. On the way however, the plane crashes. John then is travelling through the woods until he reaches an indian tribe. Upon reaching the tribe John is greeted by the Indian chief. The Indian chief approaches John saying that he can have sex with any one of his 50 wives. John quickly chooses the redhead. During sex, the redhead moaned gawatchi gawatchi . John was like wow this is the best sex I’ve had and assumes that the redhead is enjoying the sex. The next day the Indian chief invites John to play golf with him. During the first hole, the chief gets a hole in one. Just as John says nice a bird hits the chief in the head. The chief yells gawatchi gawatchi . John turns to the chief confused as the chief says At least I got it in the right hole . The sexy Indian [nsfw]
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. Oh no !! said the Lady, he is doing good. Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends… . All the 3 Ladies fainted …. 4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion…..
Surely it’s not going to rain today? She said it will, and don’t call me Shirley …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode. Just asked Siri.
the pilot comes on the radio and tells the three passengers that they need to throw something that they don’t need. Mexican goes first and throws out tacos. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: we have a lot of them back home. Canadian throws out hockey stick. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: we have a lot of them back home. American throws out the Mexican saying: we have a lot of them back home. The three businessman: Canadian, Mexican and American, are flying to the meeting…
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal. The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland. After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me. The lady from Mount Isa commented, Well, isn’t that fantastic? The first woman continued, When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, Well, isn’t that fantastic? The first woman went on, Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, Well, isn’t that fantastic? The first woman then asked, What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child? My husband sent me to charm school, declared the Mount Isa lady. Charm school? the first woman cried, Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you?? The Mount Isa lady responded, Well as an example… instead of saying, Who gives a Fuck? I learned to say, Well, isn’t that fantastic? Charm School
* Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? * A: Who cares, just throw them. * Q: What did God say after he created man? * A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman! * Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ? * A: Dont know, havnt seen either. * Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business? * A: i) no mind ii) no business * Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift? * A: Exchange him!! * Q: Why do men like smart women? * A: Opposites attract! Collection of Horrible One Liner
…on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why? After pondering the question she answered, I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet. They said well okay, thank you. And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings. Again, thank you and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, I would like to go to the sun. The people from NASA replied, why, don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death? The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. Are you guys dumb? I’d go at night! A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment…
…when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/mexicanjokes/jumpingoutofplanesjokes.html An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane…
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something….. 7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car). 9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway… 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. 11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!.. 12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E… 13. Get the parachutes ready… 14. Drinks are on me… 15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having… 16. Hey capt’n take another hit man… What you don’t want to hear over the PA system.
A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you’ve ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator. At the end of the party he makes a announcement, ‘Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home. The very next year he throws another party’s just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves. The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it’s jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off. The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, ‘THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can’t speak. The bilionare asks, ‘Do you want a billion dollars?’ The man replies with heavy breathing ‘No no No’. The billionaire responds with ‘You’re a smart man you must want half my estate’. The man replies with heavy breathing still ‘No No gasp No’. The billionaire goes ‘Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.’ The man replies still breathing heavily ‘No No I don’t want your daughter’. The billionaire now confused asks ‘Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!’ The man replies back with, ‘I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in. A billionaire throws a party for the whole town….
a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. by Simon Rich (The New Yorker) Guy Walks Into a Bar
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your business role at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that train Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I’m sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba. Nymphomaniac’s Convention
a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp. The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them After you’re done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there? , so they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England? , and they do it! The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says Nein! Dis ve can’t do anymore! And he asks Why not? . And the german says Ve think yoo are trying to escape! a joke from the war
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The flight attendant asked: Did your mother tell you to ask me that? He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said: Tell your mother it’s because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time. Pull out in time.
A plane one. What was the last pizza the twin towers had?
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Jimmy says: I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. And how about you, Sarah? I wanna be Jimmy ‘s whore. Little Jimmy wants to be a fighter pilot.
A very smart man boards a plane and sits down. A blond girl sits next to him. He is bored so he says to her Let’s play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don’t answer it I’ll give you 300$ She says OK, I’ll go first. What goes up a hill on 1 leg and goes down on 2? He thinks about it for a while but after about 10 minutes can’t find a answer so he Google’s it. Nothing. He calls scientists and several well educated people. They have no clue. He, a man of his word gives the 300 dollars to her. He asks for the answer she shrugs and hands him 5$ A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.
A woman walks into a supermarket and on her way ’round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening. She had gone home with him, shortly after they had met in a pub. The young man is stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. You lying sod! she yells, Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot! No, he says…. I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team. Stunt Pilot!
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? We’re taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate! Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ? We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste. Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and Exclusive, but it’s really a dump. We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. That’s rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge! Well, muttered the hairdresser, that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope. Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.. Oh, really…what’d he say ? He said: Who messed up your hair? TRIP TO ROME
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Holmes replied, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Sherlock says Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Watson? Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km’s from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals. Many years passed by like that. At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said: Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked: Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? – with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off. A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said: Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked: Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? – the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man: Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon. Don’t mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! – by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn’t follow because he couldn’t swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km’s away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man: Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger: Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? – the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn’t care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard. Priest, please be good… – the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked: Son, why do you need it for God’s sake? – the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village’s locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time. Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! There you go, son – handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger’s arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked: But what do you need it for?! – panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest’s hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest’s face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest’s fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked: Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it? All right, priest … – came the answer in a trembling tone – I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone. The priest was good, and never told anyone. There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice. A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
Aloha Ackbar doesn’t go over well at the airport Why can’t Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?
Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated. , he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. Know what I want now? , says the co-pilot, a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick . Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells Don’t forget the coffee! The pilot gets ready for the flight
An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. In 1942, he says, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, he continues, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared. There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail. At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war. Yes, that’s true, says the old pilot, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts. Irish WW2 pilot
Because you’re not allowed to take them on planes, I answered. What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK? I was asked on an internet forum.
But the planes were outside! 9/11 was an inside job
Check out this awesome plane I got! I hear Malaysian is a pretty rare brand. Nah man, they aren’t; I got one too. What did one ocean say to the other?
Children, said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write what is in you. Do not imitate any other person’s writings or draw inspiration from outside sources. As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following composition: We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner. Realism
Dad this is the man I want to marry. She says.Her father grills her with questions. Let me guess, he’s from a poor family and I’ll have to pay for the wedding? He fussed. His family owns a telco and have offered to pay for the wedding and flights for guests. She says. Hur, so let me guess he bludges off his family’s wealth? says Dad. Actually he’s studying to become a doctor. She replies. Well then, has he married before? He asks, running out of things to complain about. No, actually he’s still a virgin. She says. The dad points to the door and yells Well if he’s not good enough for his own family he’s not good enough for mine! Young Tasmanian women bring home her immigrant boyfriend.
Damn … I landed on another asteroid! says the alien, and proceeds to search for an actual planet. An alien lands on Earth after Donald Trump’s presidency …
Dicks or Airplanes which one are you riding. [NSFW]The next time someone asks you What’s up
Greetings passengers, it’s your pilot speaking, the estimated time of the flight is about 8 hours, the sky is clear, and we should have no issues reaching our destination in time. The pilot then proceeded to put down the plane’s loudspeaker, but he forgets to turn it off, and says to his co-pilot, hey Jason, I’m going to take a big shit in the bathroom, and then fuck the new hostess like there’s no tomorrow. The hostess being shy and embarrassed started running to the pilot’s cabin to turn off the speaker, but while she was running suddenly a passenger trips her, she looks at him with glaring eyes and the passenger says, why are you running, he said he has to take a shit first!!! edit: grammar Flight New York – London
Hello, I’d like to participate in the game! he says. Wonderful! There are three questions, are you ready? Of course! First question then. What is it: it has two wheels and you can roll on it? A bike! Not bad, but we were thinking about a mountain bike, to be specific. Next question. What is it: it has four tyres, a steering wheel and an engine? A car! Not bad, but we were thinking about an Audi, to be specific. Last question, but you really have to answer correctly this time! What is it: it has wings, an engine, works with kerosene and you can fly with it? A plane! Not bad, but we were thinking about a Concorde, to be specific… Unfortunately, you didn’t win, sorry. Maybe next time! Can I ask a question too? asks the grandpa. Sure. What is it: stands in the street and sells her body for money? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s a whore… Not bad, but I was thinking about your mother, to be specific. 80yrs old grandpa calls the radio…
Here comes the aeroplane! How do you feed a skyscraper?
Hey, wanna join the Mile-High Club? *wink wink* The flight attendant responds No thanks. And quite honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck. A young man on a plane is flirting with a nearby flight attendant…
Hurry up! she shouted, I need a shit!! Fuck off! I replied, I’m trying to have a wank in here!! So that’s more important than my diahorrhea?! she screamed. I shouted through the door I’m just about to come for fuck’s sake, just wait a few moments will you?? What an impatient, big mouthed gobshite she is… God knows what everyone else on the plane must have thought! My wife banged on the toilet door….
I Heard that Planet Earth makes fun of the other planets for having no life. EARTH
I thought, I’ve got the fucking plane upside down. I looked out the window earlier and the sky had turned bright green and the ground had gone blue.
I thought, ‘I’ve got the fucking plane upside down. I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green.
If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks: Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: Here, iron this! As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces:
If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says Here, iron this! As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces…
Ishmael! We’re out of Chrain. We can’t have Passover without Chrain! Calm yourself, Amos. I will send you all the Chrain you need immediately. I’ll have it shipped overnight. Amos thanks Ishmael and hangs up. Two days go by and Passover is looming. The Chrain still has not arrived. Even more panicked than before, Amos calls his friend in Israel. Ishmael! Where is the Chrain? Oh, Amos. It’s terrible here. The pilots union is striking. No one is flying out of the country! That’s terrible, Ishmael. Can you send the Chrain a different way? There’s no way, Amos! I put all of my reserves in that package! But Ishamel, does that mean…? Yes, Amos. The chrain for Spain is mainly on the plane! A Spanish Rabbi calls his Rabbi friend in Israel a few days before Passover
It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman. The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!! OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN’!!!!! , He Shouted…. Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane
– Knock Knock – Who’s there? – First pilot. hopefully not too soon THe newiest Knock Knock joke I heard.
Knock knock Who’s there? The pilot, let me in!!! Too soon for a knock knock joke?
KSSSHHHT. This is your captain speaking. As you all know, this will be my last flight. It has always been my dream to do a loop-the-loop, and was wondering if you all would enjoy experiencing that with me today? It would really mean the world to me… The 1st Class and Coach cabins go wild YEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! KSSSHHT. ARE YOU SURE?! YEEEEAAAAAA!!!!!!! KSSSHHT. ALRIIIIIIGHT… Buckle up and let’s DO THIS THING The plane loops up, over and steadies out… KSSHHHT. HUAAAAA!!! Did you all enjoy that?! Cabins go ape shit YEAAAAAAAAAAA OMG YEAAAA!!! KSSHHT. Should we do it again?! YEEEEEAAAAAA!!!! Plane loops up again, over and steadies out…. KSSHHT. I would like to thank you all so much for this opportunity! Did you enjoy it? Cabins go WILD, YEAAAAAAA!!!! All of a sudden the bathroom door at the back of the plane slams open. A man walks out and says: NOT. ONE. BIT. as he brushes the shit off of his clothes… Not one bit.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight After he gives his speech he forgets to turn off the loudspeaker. He turns to the copilot and says, I’m gonna make myself a nice cup of coffee, drink it, and then fuck our head flight attendant Everybody in the cabin hear this and a pretty flight attendant runs to the **cockpit** to tell the pilot about his blunder. A little old lady in the front of the plane sees her and says. What’s the rush darling, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet! A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight
Look, son, there’s a forest fire a couple hundred miles north of you. I need you to get on a plane 5 minutes ago and photograph the hell out of that forest. There’s huge money in this. The photographer grabs all of his equipment and rushes to the airport. He gets on a private jet and says to the pilot, Just fly!! But– Just go , yells the photographer. After a very difficult takeoff the pilot asks, Why do you have all of those cameras? I’m a photographer. The pilot’s face goes white. So what you’re saying is that you *aren’t* my flight instructor? A photographer gets a call from his boss
LOW FLYING AIRPLANES! When do we want it? NEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW What do we want…?
Ma’am, cover yourself immediately and prepare to be detained What are you saying!? I’m not doing anything wrong! You can’t bring explosives on an airplane ma’am, and your breasts are dynamite! A woman is breastfeeding on the airplane when the air marshall approaches her.
May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me! She then hears a voice on the radio saying: This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position. She then says, I’m 5’4 and I support Hillary O.K. says the voice on the radio, Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven … Plane Problems
– My dick is so big it has its own zip code – My dick is so big you can see it from space – My dick is do big it has an airport – My dick is so big it has its own dick – My dick is so big, when it gets hard it slows down the Earth’s rotation – My dick is so big there’s a People’s Republic of My Dick – My dick is so big it plays golf with presidents – My dick is so big it doesn’t return Spielberg’s calls baddump-tssshhhh Some dick jokes from Drew Carey (nsfw)
Name an animated character dedicated to cleaning up the planet, who loves Eva? Nana: Hitler. Playing Trivial Pursuit with Grandma:
No time for a smoke, I gotta catch a plane! What did World Trade Center South Tower say to World Trade Center North Tower?
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, Pierre kiss me! Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s Lips. What are you doing, Pierre? says the startled Marie. I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower. Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. Pierre! What are you doing? asks the bewildered Marie. I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower! Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, Pierre, what in the hell do you think you’re doing? Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames! The French Fighter Pilot
Plane Bagels!… I’ll show myself out… What do you call bagels that can fly?
Q: How do rabbits travel? A: By hareplane. Q: What is a bunny’s motto? A: Don’t be mad, be hoppy! Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! Q: What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop! Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding? A: On their bunnymoon! Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an insect? A: Bugs bunny Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A: A receding hare line Q: What do you call a rabbit who is angry over gettting burnt? A: A hot cross bunny Q: How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? A: Look for the grey hares Q: Why are rabbits so lucky? A: They have four rabbit’s feet? a journalist question to a Rabbit
Really? Wow, I’m awfully sorry. I know. He was walking one day while looking up at a plane passing by and fell in a ditch. My close friend died in a plane crash
Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas the voice says. The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he’s looking in the fridge, he hears the voice again, Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. This time around he’s more than a little disconcerted, but still, he shrugs it off. He gets in his car, starts driving to work, and hears the voice again as he’s parking, Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Now he’s starting to get a little freaked out. He tells himself the voice isn’t real, and decides to ignore it. By the time lunch rolls around, the voice is speaking every minute or so. Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. He’s starting to lose it. When he gets home from work, the voice is talking in his head nonstop, Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. He barely manages to fall asleep; he had to put headphones on and blast music just to drown the voice. He only gets a few hours of sleep, and when he wakes up, the voice is still going, nonstop, Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las– FINE! the man screams, losing it, FINE! I’ll DO IT, I’LL DO IT, JUST STOP, PLEASE JUST STOP! The voice stops. The man rents a moving truck, hauls all of his belongings to the nearest pawnshop, and sells everything — they barely had enough cash in their vault for him. He returns the moving truck, and sells his car to a used car dealership for cash. He puts all of his cash in a briefcase, heads to the airport, and buys a one-way ticket to Las Vegas, with tears of relief and sadness in his eyes. Once on the plane, he notices it’s quiet. Feeling relieved, he waits a few minutes to make sure the voice doesn’t say anything, then closes his eyes for some much needed sleep. He finally wakes up as the plane is landing; as the plane is pulling into the gate, he hears the voice again. Call a cab and go straight to Caesar’s Palace. At this point he doesn’t have the energy to fight it anymore. Fine. That’s fine. he mumbles under his breath. As soon as he gets out of the airport, he hails a cab, gets in, and tells the driver to head to Caesar’s Palace. The voice speaks again, Call a cab and go straight to Caesar’s Palace. I KNOW. I know. Shut up, for the love of god. he says. The voice doesn’t speak for the rest of the ride. The cab pulls up to the front, and he tips the driver and exits the cab. He walks up to the big front doors, and says Now what? The voice chimes in, Go inside, sit at the second roulette table on your right. The man sighs and heads inside. He hands over his suitcase of cash — every last penny he owns — and exchanges it for chips. He finds the second roulette table on the right, and sits down. The voice speaks again, Bet everything you own on *black four*. Are you kidding me? He questions the voice, and how he is about to risk everything he owns on a game of roulette. The voice just repeats the same thing, Bet everything you own on *black four*. The man sighs and reluctantly places the bet of a lifetime. Well, here goes nothing. The table spins and spins, and finally the ball lands. It lands on red 23. He looks up angrily, and the voice speaks again — Shit. A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent! A Sherlock Holmes Joke
Snakes on a plane — And whats the movie about? — A horse who wants to be a singer So what movie do you want to watch?
Steve and Bill. Dude, what if we had sex? asks Steve. You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it… Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look! Steve stands up and asks loudly: Could I have a pencil, please? Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. They really wouldn’t care then, would they? says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag! I didn’t dare whispers the old man. A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass… Two gay men are travelling on a plane
The kinky guy uses the feather but the pervert uses the whole chicken As told to me by the old guy who sat next to me on the plane What’s the difference between a kinky guy and a pervert?
The plane is too heavy! the pilot says. You guys have to throw something out! The Mexican grabs a cart of tacos and yells We have too many of these! The Italian grabs a pot of pasta and yells We have too much of this! The American grabs the Mexican and yells We have too many of these! A Mexican, Italian, and American are on a plane
The plane is too heavy! the pilot says. You guys have to throw something out! The Mexican grabs a cart of tacos and yells We have too many of these! The Italian grabs a pot of pasta and yells We have too much of this! The American grabs the Mexican and yells We have too many of these! The meeting of the Time Travelers’ Club will be held last Thursday.
the US Airforce high security secret base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated. The pilot’s story was that – he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn’t a spy. They re fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out & said: Do anything you want – to me, but my wife is in the plane & you have to tell her … where I was last night! One afternoon, a Cessna landed at Area 51
The voice tells him, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, Go to Harrah’s. So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah’s. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, Go to the roulette table. The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, Put all your money on 17. Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number … 21. The voice says, Damn. A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.
– There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 – What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge – What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge – The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He’s stuck in a refrigerator. – Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? The alligators are all at the birthday party. – Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick There are 500 bricks on a plane…
There was once a spaceship Kleeshae that was minding its own business until one day it was shot by a fleet of Zarii alien ships. Although they got away in time, most of the already-small Kleeshae crew had died in the attack, leaving only the first officer Sharon Yule alive, and the captain, who was gravely wounded. Fuel and food supplies were running low and they had to land soon to repair and replenish. The nearest two possible landing locations presented a tough decision to Captain Dirk. One option was to land on the close-by planet Zarii, which was home to the hostile, power-hungry Zarrs, whose nickname the Tsars was well-earned. The second option was to use the remaining ship energy to warp to Zarii’s only moon, home to the Ringos, the peaceful minority Zarrs who were outcasts from the home planet. However, the moon was on the furthest point of its orbit away from the ship, and the warp drive, having been damaged, would not be all too reliable. The first officer looked worriedly at the captain and asked for a directive. The captain closed my eyes in deep thought, only to open them upon his final decision, saying as he clutched his wounded side: Shoot for the moon… even if you, Miss Yule, land among the Tsars… Aboard the worn-out Kleeshae
There’s only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus. What did the scientist say to his hot assistant?
To the airport, please. After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. She says, Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant. Well, you haven’t arrived at the airport yet, either. One woman stops a taxi….
Ugh, our space is too cramped, and I’m sick of listening to him brag! He takes anything as an excuse for self-promotion! Said another, I know! It’s all ‘we have the best’ this, and ‘Yuuuuge’ that! I want off! I bet anyone $1000 I’ll be off this plane in 30 minutes said Steve from Huffpo. The rest of the reporters quickly took him up on the bet. Just then they were all called to dine with the President. How about a blessing? asked reuters. I give the best blessings. Yuuuge, ask God He’ll tell you! This is nice china said AP I make the best deals with China, YUUUGE deals, I’m always beating China! I ran a 5k last weekend said The Chicago Sun Tribune. I play the BEST hardball with Iran, I’m making YUUUGE demands! I’m having trouble with the ketchup. Hey Trump, can you give me a *hand*? As he floated to earth with his parachute, Steve wondered how he would collect all that money from his bet with the press pool. The Presidential press corps members were discussing how tired they were of being on Air Force One.
– We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin -Why? asks Medvedeev -I’m calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it’s tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn’t take off yet! Putin and Medvedeev talking
We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours… But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now! . So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said HEY! Don’t forget the coffee! So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement..
Welcome to 99.5 The Lounge, you’re on the air. We’re currently holding our annual quiz contest; answer any of three questions right, and you’ll win $500. You ready? That I am. All right, let’s begin. The first question is… What has four wheels and travels on roads? That would be a car, right? Almost, but not quite. The answer we were looking for is ‘a Toyota Prius.’ You still have two more chances for that $500, so it’s okay. Let’s move on to the next question, shall we? What guzzles gas, has four wheels, and can cut your lawn? Why, that would be a lawn mower! Close, but in particular we were looking for a Black and Decker 15 Corded Mower with Edge Max. You still have one more question and one more chance to get that $500. All right. The final question is… What transport vehicle flies using two wings? The older man goes silent for a second. When he comes back, he says: A Boeing 747, final answer. Unfortunately, you were wrong. The answer we were looking for is a plane . An old man calls in to a radio station during a contest…
What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it? to which the statistician replies, very, very low . But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one. A worried flyer asks a statistician…
What I liked best is that the program was personalised to me specifically so I could start the program first thing the next morning after I arrived. I’m told often guests arrive at the airport in afternoon/evening, are met by their driver who then escorted me to the retreat where I checked in, took a shower and relaxed. All my program information was waiting for me in my room, and the next morning I had my program orientation and started my program. The weight loss retreat is REALLY amazing with fresh organic (and simply delicious!) raw food in the beginning while detoxifying, and then a variety of lean proteins (like fish and chicken) with many tasty sides and a nice big smoothie or fresh coconut to wash it down. The fitness classes are awesome fun, they have everything from boot camp and CrossFit style training, to Pilates and Yoga, TRX suspension training, Muay Thai boxing, weight training, 1-on-1 sessions, and so much more! It’s all put together into a program which destroys fat, builds lean muscle while detoxifying your body and making you look and feel great! So far it’s going great and my weight is down almost 5kg, hoping to lose 14kg in the rest of my time on the retreat. My Weight Loss Retreat at PhuketFit
when the plane’s engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says God save the Queen! and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says Vive la France! and jumps to his death. The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says Remember the Alamo! and throws the Mexican out. A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane…
Which isn’t a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights. I tend to sleep in the nude.
Who’s there? The pilot! Let me in! . . . Too soon? Knock knock
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To get to the house of the ugliest human on the planet. Wanna hear another joke? Knock-knock…. Who’s there? Buc-buc-bucaaaaaw! Wanna hear a joke?
Why Russians take Americans to space flights? It is necessary that at the time of landing at least someone would be sober. *** In Soviet times, Ded Moroz* fetched the bad behaved children list to Stalin. * Russian Santa Claus *** At the initiative of Russian parents in children’s economic game «Monopoly» added bribe.* * Bribe is a common way to solve problems in Russia. *** Grandson makes soundproofing. Nearby stands his grandfather. Grandson: I wonder if 2 inches of insulation enough? Probably not. My neighbor is too noisy. I’ll have to put 4 or 6 inches. Hey granny, how did you used to do soundproofing? Grandfather: I used to write letters to the NKVD!* *NKVD is the name of KGB at Stalin time. Noisy neighbors used to b *** Have you heard the news that Putin have broke the arm?! Whose arm? *** Private Ivanov! I order you to peel a bucket of potatoes. In our Internet age, it’s time to have a machine to clean potatoes grumbled Ivanov. Of course. And you, private Ivanov, is the latest model!* *It’s true. In Russian army one private can manually peel up to 3,5 tonnes of potato per day. It makes Russian army invincible. *** U.S. image of the USSR in the 70’s. Sit and eat! Let’s drink vodka! Mom, may I go play balalaika, read Lenin and milk a bear? Yes you may and don’t forget give us away to KGB. Dad, where is granny? He stays in line for coupons on coupons. Dear, it’s getting hot here. Please turn off nuclear reactor. Shut up, Natasha. Let’s drink vodka! Dad, I’ve wrote essay «For Lenin I’m ready to decay on mines» Good job, Sergei. Let all class drink vodka!* * Yes, it seems very exaggerated now. But why don’t you review some 80’s US movies such as Red Heat with California governor playing russian police officer. You can find some good clich? there Russian jokes
Why? There’s eight planets. She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, why’d you say there was only gonna be seven planets tonight? Our hero smiled his courageous, nonchalant smile and asked, do you really want to know? Her lip trembled. Yes she whispered. Yes I do. Because he paused as if about to cry, tonight I’m going to destroy Uranus. There’s only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!
Yes, Sir? I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep. Captain, shut up and land the plane. Stewardess
You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there. One of my dad’s favorites about flying
You said the airport, right? the driver asks. Oui oui, replies the Frenchman. Not in this car, you don’t! The driver yells, throwing him out of the car. An Uber driver picks up a Frenchman to bring to the airport…
Young man got his diploma and decided to travel the world. In a poor, developing country, he took a boat across the bay with a local fisherman, and tried to start a conversation. What is your favorite play by Shakespeare? he asked. Who? replied the fisherman. Never heard of him. Oh, what is your favorite branch of philosophy? he tried. Philoso-what? the fisherman looked at the graduate with a uncomprehending look. Um, how do you feel about the situation in the Middle East? Never met them, the fisherman said. While the very educated young man sat trying to find something to say to this ignorant rube, the fisherman tried to avoid a speedboat piloted by a drunk, but the speedboat clipped his little craft and sped away, leaving him and the graduate in a rapidly sinking boat. The fisherman pulled off his shirts and said, We are going to have to swim for shore. And the graduate said, But I don’t know how to swim! The ignorant fisherman.
(context: all pilots, no matter where in the world they live or are flying, must be able to speak english, it’s the international aviation language.) A commercial pilot, formerly a WWII luftwaffe pilot says, in german – Flight 212, ready for takeoff. The Berlin flight controller asks the pilot – Can you please speak in english? The pilot, furious, replies in english – Why?! I am a german pilot, on german soil, flying a german plane, speaking to a german air-traffic controller! Why do I have to speak english?! On the radio, you hear another, english pilot with a brittish accent reply – Because you lost the bloody war! German pilot….
(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Nielsen has announced that a technical error led to months of incorrect ratings. Employees at Nielsen suspected there was a glitch when an infomercial for adult diapers nabbed 84 billion viewers. There was an Ebola scare on a USAirways flight after a man sneezed and joked that he’d just come from Africa. But don’t worry, doctors examined the man, and he tested negative for a sense of humor. TSA agents in New York have begun taking passenger’s temperatures to see if they have Ebola. When asked about concerns that Ebola is transmitted via saliva, a rep for the TSA said, Saliva? I thought it was called Ebola! In Detroit, a man is offering to trade his house for an iPhone 6. You can learn all about it on the next episode of Flip this Phone. President Obama has announced that he wants to close Guantanamo Bay. The president is hoping to accelerate the prison’s closure, in time to repurpose it as a Spirit Halloween Superstore. Topical Jokes for 10/11
(I apologize for ripping this straight off another site, but when I saw it, I knew it needed to be here, and direct links aren’t permitted, so here it is…) So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.
