A depressed blonde decided that she wanted to commit suicide. She went to the park to find a tree to hang herself on. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, I’m hanging myself. You’re supposed to put the noose are your neck, not your waist, said the onlooker. I tried that, replied the blonde, but I couldn’t breathe…
The concept of blonde jokes are very simple. Everybody gets it, not the blondes though.
A guy walks into a bar. Inside the bar he sees a blonde sitting at the bar, she’s intently watching the 10 pm news. The news story is about a man who’s standing atop a building, preparing to jump. The guy says to the blond I bet you $50 he’ll jump . The blonde takes the bet and continuous to watch. Some time later, the man on the building jumps. The guy turns to the blonde and says I’m sorry but I can’t take your money. I watched this on the 6 pm news and knew he would jump . The blonde replies I watched it at 6 pm too, but I didn’t think he’d jump again edit: Added a word.
Once I was at a bar meeting a beautiful woman in her mid 40’s. Nice body, blonde hair, looking very good, definitely a milf. We started talking, when she suddenly asked if I would want to have sex with mother and daughter in a trio. After a moment of doubt, I said ‘Yes!’ We left the bar, drove at her place. She openend the door and invited me in. When entering the house she suddenly shouted out loud at the stairs ‘Mam!!! I found a guy!’
The magic oasis A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were lost in the desert when they came across a magic oasis. The brunette got a glass of the oasis’s water, drank it, and said, Car . POOF, the brunette was sitting on a brand new car. She stated the car and drove away. After the brunette drove away, the blonde got a glass of the oasis’s water, drank it, and said, Motorcycle . POOF, the blonde was sitting on a brand new motorcycle. She stated the motorcycle and drove away. After the blonde drove away, the redhead got a glass of the oasis’s water and drank it. But before she could say something, she tripped on a rock and yelled, SHIT!
A husband and his blonde wife. A husband and his blonde wife are watching the news, when they see a snow storm warning, 6 to 8 inches. The news says to park your car on the even side of the street. She promptly gets up and moves her car. 2 weeks later another storm is moving in, and the news says to park on the odd side of the street. So she again gets up and moves the car. A few weeks later, they are watching the news and see another storm coming in. As the announcer is about to say where to park the power goes out. The wife is freaking out and asks her husband what to do. He looks at her and just says, Well, you could just leave it in the garage! I’ll see myself out……
Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button? Her boyfriend was blonde too.
A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled… CRAP!
Electronics shop A blonde walks into a shop and spots a TV. She goes up to the cashier and says excuse me Sir, can I buy that TV? He shakes his head and says no blondes allowed . Furious, she goes home, dyes her hair, and walks in the next day. Can I buy that TV? The cashier shakes his head. I said yesterday, no blondes allowed . She was even angrier now, so she went home, shaved her hair, bought a wig, and returned a week later, asking Can I buy this TV? The cashier shakes his head. I’ve told you this before – no blondes allowed . She is quite angry now. I dyed my hair, AND wore a wig – how did you know I was blonde?! The cashier sighed, and said Ma’am, that’s a microwave
A Gorgeous Young Redhead Goes into the Doctor’s Office… She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. Impossible! says the doctor. Show me. The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor took off his glasses and said, You’re not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she said, I’m actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week. I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
A blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island… One day a Blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island. All of a sudden a magic Genie comes to them and will grant them one wish to get off the island. The Brunette jumps up and says I wanna go first! so she jumps up and screams airplane and she turns into an airplane and flies away. The Redhead jumps of the island and says BIRD! and she turns into a bird and flies away. The Blonde jumps of the cliff looks down and becomes super scared and screams SHIT!
Blone, brunette, and redhead stranded in the desert when they come upon a convenience store the brunette goes in and comes out with water jugs. We’re going to need to drink plenty of water if we’re going to make it out of this desert The redhead goes in and comes out with as much food as she can carry. We’re going to need to bring as much food as possible for the journey ahead. The blonde goes in and comes back out with a car door. It’s going to be hot in this desert so now we can roll the window down
A blond is done with all the blond jokes. A blond is done with all the blond jokes. So she makes a plan…. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette. After some time driving she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it’s time for her first smart act. She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder. Herder , she says. If i guess how many sheep you have, can I have one? . The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one . The girl says 261 . The herder is shocked! Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like . The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks… If i guess you real hair color… Can I have my dog back? (Not an native English speaker, so there may be typo’s)
A brunette walks into a bar… Ouch! She cries, as her wig flutters to the ground revealing that she was in fact a blond woman the whole time because blonde jokes are hilarious am I right can I get some validation please I need it my life is spiraling out of control and THIS IS ALL I HAVE NOW?
32 Days A bartender was working at his bar, when in walks 3 blondes. They seem very happy and excited. They are carrying a small picture and are chanting 32 days , 32 days , 32 days . Obviously very please with themselves, they sit down and order a pitcher of Margareta, that the bartender brings them. After about 10 minutes another 5 blondes walk in and as soon as they see the first 3 they run over there, highfiving each other and chanting 32 days , 32 days , 32 days , followed by more cheering. At this point they order another pitcher of margareta. The bartender brings over another pitcher and takes a quick peek at the picture the first group brought in. Its a puzzle picture of the cookie monster. He is a bit confused and his curiosity gets the better of him and so he asked the nearest blonde what is going on? What is up with the picture and why are they chanting 32 days? The blonde tells him you know how people think that blondes are dumb? . Bartender states well I have heard this obviously, but hey I dont buy into that nonsense , and then he states but what does that have to do with the picture and 32 days? She tells him that the picture is a puzzle of the cookie monster, and even though on the box it says clearly 3-5 years, their group finished it in 32 days.
A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane.. A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star? Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs? Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, What is the answer to your question? Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.
A company is holding job interviews for a position of Financial Analyst 3 people apply: A blonde, a jew and a mathematician. The blonde enters, the interviewer asks her: What is 2 + 2 ? The blonde thinks for 10 minutes, answeres 5. The jew enters, receives the same question, answeres: What do you want it to make ? The mathematician enters, receives the same question, answers promptly: 4. So, after careful deliberation, who got the job ? The nephew of the CEO. //Joke was told to be my my grandfather, who lived in the communist era of Romania//
Three blondes are hiking in Scotland They set out early afternoon on a sunny Thursday morning in the middle of July. The three girls are kitted out with the best equipment that money can buy and have got their route from Stirling to Callander planned perfectly. After an hour or so of walking one of the blondes comes across some tracks in a field. She claims them to be rabbit tracks, while a second blonde says they must be deer tracks cause they are far to big. Upon hearing this the third blonde turns pasty white. Maybe these are haggis tracks! The three of them agree to follow the tracks until the find out what left them there. After another hour or so all the girls were hit by a train.
The dumbest joke ever.. .. was told by a blonde who ginger-ly sidestepped some blank paper thrown on the stage (white trash, if you will), and spoke into the black beat-up mic about how love Trumps hate.
A blonde woman dyes her hair red…. A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she’s tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one? The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, there is 124 sheep in your farm. Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she’s about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks, Ma’am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?
A Blonde in a Cornfield A blonde was on her way home from work when she saw a fellow blonde rowing a canoe in the middle of a cornfield. Outraged she pulls her car over and runs to the side of the road closest to where the canoe is. At the top of her lungs she yells HEY! IT’S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME. YOU’RE LUCKY YOU’VE GOT A BOAT, BECAUSE IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM, I’D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!!
Three blond women are stuck on an island … …within sight of mainland but too far to swim. They stumble onto a magic lamp and a genie pops out and offers them each one wish. The first blonde wishes she were twice as smart so she could get off the island. The genie turns her into a redhead and she finds a large piece of driftwood that gives just enough buoyancy that she manages to swim to shore. The second blonde thinks that looks like too much energy so she wishes she were five times as smart so she could get off the island. She’s turned into a brunette and starts building a raft. It takes a long time but when it’s finished she floats across with little effort. It’s late now and the third blonde would like to get home both quickly and easily. She wishes she were ten times as smart, turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.
34 Days!! A bartender is at the beginning of his shift, when a few blondes come in and get a table. The group begins cheering and chanting 34 Days! 34 Days!! One after another they come up for drinks and rounds of shots for their table. Thinking nothing of it, the bartender happily obliges. After about an hour the number of blondes grow to more than twice the size of the starting group. They continue cheering and chanting 34 Days! 34 Days!! Happy and drunk, they continue to buy more drinks and rounds of shots. Starting to wonder what this gathering was about, the bartender starts to question one of the blondes as she comes up to order, but after looking at the tips he is making, he proceeds to serve the group without inquiry. 2 hours later, the blondes have more than doubled again! Now there are at least 30 some odd blondes at this gathering all whooping and hollering 34 Days! 34 Days!! Finally the bartenders curiosity has gotten the better of him. When the next blonde comes up and orders a round of shots he asks Ma’am, I’ve watched your group grow almost tenfold. Everyone is so excited and it’s a wonderful site to see, but I have to ask, what is it that you all keep yelling together ’34 Days?’ Excited to answer, the blonde proudly replies, We got together to prove to everyone that blondes were not dumb! After much debate, we decided to get a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said it would take 5 years, but we finished it in only 34 Days!!
A blonde walks into a bank A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found out that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Two blondes are in a college class The first blonde asks What is the nature of our existence? The second blonde replies That depends on your conception of consciousness. A third blonde walks by and say How can I really be sure any of you exist? How can I be positive that you are anything more than a construct of my own mind? Intrigued by this, the second blonde asks the third to explain herself. Lost for words, the third blonde merely replies It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dreammaking a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams. No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existencethat which makes its truth, its meaningits subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dreamalone. Finally, a fourth blonde walks by and says, None of this matters, we’re all going to die somedaaaaaaaaay
Three girls are driving in a desert when their car breaks down. One of them was a brunette, the other one a redhead, and the last one, a blonde. As their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and they know nothing about cars, they decide to take a part of the car with them. The brunette says: I’m gonna take the roof, so I can protect myself from sandstorms. The redhead says: I’m gonna take the seat so I can sit down and rest on it at night. The blonde says: Well I’m gonna take the door, so when it’s hot, I pull down the window and get some cool air.
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention. The leader says, We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, What is 15 plus 15? After 15 or 20 seconds she says, Eighteen! Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, Give her another chance! Give her another chance! The leader says, Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. So he asks, What is 5 plus 5? After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, Ninety? The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2? The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, Four? Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… Give her another chance! Give her another chance!
A blond woman gets on a plane… She sits down in the first class. A steward, – who has seen her ticket at the entrance – approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely: – Madam, your ticket is not for the first class, but for the Economy. Would you please proceed to the back? The woman stands up and says quite loudly: – I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! – And she sits back. The steward is in a kind of a shock, so he walks to the co-pilot and tells him what happened. The co-pilot walks also to the woman and says: – Madam, if I understood well, you ticket is for the Economy Class. You must proceed to the back, this area is first class. The woman stands up and says quite loudly: – I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! – And she sits back. Well, the co-pilot can’t force her either, so they go together with the steward to the pilot and tell him about the situation. The pilot chuckles a little and answers very calmly: – Let me talk to her. I understand blond women, my wife is also blond. So he walks to the woman as the steward and the co-pilot are curiously watching. He leans down to her and whispers something in her ears. The woman stands up immediately and walks to the back of the plane. The steward and the co-pilot are in shock. They run to the pilot and ask him: – What did you possibly say to her? The pilot just smiles and says: – I told her the First Class isn’t going to Miami.
A guy walks into a pub… A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. Can I help you? she asks. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. The man replies, Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
The blonde convention All of the blondes in the world decided that they were tired of always being stereotyped as stupid. They wanted to prove to the world that they were just as smart as anyone else. In order to do this, they decided to hold a huge convention and televise it in order to prove their intelligence. As part of the convention they had Steve Harvey ask some trivia questions. The first blonde got up on stage, and the category of math came up. Steve Harvey asked the first blonde What is 28 divided by 4? She thought long and hard before replying 8. All of the blondes were upset and began shouting Give her another try, give her another try! Steve decided to give her another try because division is pretty tricky. He asked What is 6 times 7? The blonde, after much consideration, answered 48. All of the blondes shouted Give her another try, give her another try! Well, multiplication isn’t the easiest type of math, so Steve decided he might as well let her go again. This time he asked What is 9 minus 5? The blonde replied 2. All of the blondes were in an uproar now. They wanted desperately to be able to prove themselves to the world. Give her another try, give her another try! they shouted. Steve decided to give the blonde a question that she could not possibly mess up. What is 2 plus 2? he asked. 4, she replied. At this, all of the blondes began crying and rose to their feet. Give her another try, give her another try!
Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country… A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame. So they ask the owner about it, and he says ah, a very good eye you have, this is a special mirror which some say is cursed, others say it is a blessing. He continues it is said if you stand in front of the mirror alone and say something that is true, you will have a wish granted, but if you say something which happens to be false, you will disappear from existence . The three women look at each other and decide they will take it. So when they finally have it at home they want to try it out. The first, redhead scientist, stands before the mirror and says i think i’m smartest woman in the world POOF! she disappears. Next the gorgeous brunette stands before the mirror and exclaims i think i’m the most beautiful woman in the world POOF! she disappears. The blonde, somewhat nervous walks up to the mirror and says I think.. POOF! She disappears.
Walking the dog A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he’s ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace. After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says They’ve got the right idea . She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers. Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says They’ve got the right idea . She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing. After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says They’ve got the right idea . She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting. He can’t contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says Are you sure your dog won’t mind?
A woman walks into a bar… And smashes into it pretty hard. She whiplashed and her hair fell into a neighboring patron’s drink. Pissed he yelled, Watch your fucking self and your dirty ass witch colored hair! She retorted, I find that insulting! I just washed it and it’s blonde!
So a redditor walks into a bar… The bartender says, what’ll you have? It’s been so long since I’ve had a good laugh , replies the redditor. I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven’t heard before. That sounds easy enough , replies the bartender. I should warn you , the redditor says, I browse /r/jokes so I’ve heard them all over and over and over again . Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. How about this? he asks, A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery… Heard it. , interrupts the redditor. It’s reposted every month. The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy’s doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash… Heard it!! , the redditor snaps. that’s reposted every week! The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. Aha! This one is sure to impress. What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a thong? No, no, no!!! , the redditor cries out. That joke is reposted every day! OK, OK, please give me one more try , the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. Nope… nope… nope… YES!! This is a great one! OK, lay it on me , the redditor asks eagerly. Here it is , the bartender replies. So a redditor walks into a bar…
The blonde reported for her University final examination … A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers.
Three pregnant women a redhead, brunette, and blonde, are sitting in a Doctors office waiting to find out what sex their babies will be. They start chatting while they wait and the brunette says I’ve heard that if the man is on top during conception you will have a boy, so I’m definitely having a son. The redhead responds Well if that’s the case then I’m having a baby girl, because I was on top. The two women then notice that the blonde has started crying, and ask her what is wrong. Between sobs she looks up and says, I think I’m having a puppy.
A redditor walks in to bar… The bartender says, what’ll you have? It’s been so long since I’ve had a good laugh , replies the redditor. I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven’t heard before. That sounds easy enough , replies the bartender. I should warn you , the redditor says, I browse /r/jokes so I’ve heard them all over and over and over again . Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. How about this? he asks, A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery… Heard it. , interrupts the redditor. It’s reposted every month. The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy’s doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash… Heard it!! , the redditor snaps. that’s reposted every week! The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. Aha! This one is sure to impress. What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a thong? No, no, no!!! , the redditor cries out. That joke is reposted every day! OK, OK, please give me one more try , the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. Nope… nope… nope… YES!! This is a great one! OK, lay it on me , the redditor asks eagerly. Here it is , the bartender replies. So a redditor walks into a bar…
Santa is making his rounds.. He drops down this chimney, puts the presents under the tree, and grabs a cookie. Hes heading back to the chimney, when a decent looking redhead appears in the doorway behind him in lingerie, as she begins to take her top off, she asks. Hey santa, want to stay for more milk and cookies? Santa says ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta give toys to all the boys and girls and takes off up the chimney. The next house, same thing, but she was a little better looking. Want to get some milk and cookies santa? Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta give toys to all the boys and girls and shoots off up the chimney. He drops down the next one, delivers the presents and this wildly good looking blonde comes out in a see through robe. Hey santa, want some cookies and milk? Santa stands there looking in disbelief for a second and answers hey hey hey, gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my dick this way
Two blondes get a horse Two blondes get a horse each. – how will we tell who owns which? Asked blonde 1. After a long time of thinking blonde 2 said, – I’ll cut the tail on my horse so then we’ll know! Next day both horses are missing a tail. – how will we tell which is which now? Asked blonde 1. Blonde 2 was thinking again for a while and said, – I’ll cut an ear on my horse so then we’ll know! The next day both horses are missing an ear. Blonde 1 asks blonde 2, – how Will we tell which is which now? -hmm… I’ll take the black one, you take the white one
Pete and Repost are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who’s left? Repost? If you insist… A redditor walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll you have? It’s been so long since I’ve had a good laugh , replies the redditor. I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven’t heard before. That sounds easy enough , replies the bartender. I should warn you , the redditor says, I browse /r/jokes so I’ve heard them all over and over and over again . Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. How about this? he asks, A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery… Heard it. , interrupts the redditor. It’s reposted every month. The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy’s doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash… Heard it!! , the redditor snaps. that’s reposted every week! The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. Aha! This one is sure to impress. What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a thong? No, no, no!!! , the redditor cries out. That joke is reposted every day! OK, OK, please give me one more try , the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. Nope… nope… nope… YES!! This is a great one! OK, lay it on me , the redditor asks eagerly. Here it is , the bartender replies. So a redditor walks into a bar…
A redditor walks into a bar… The bartender says, what’ll you have? It’s been so long since I’ve had a good laugh , replies the redditor. I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven’t heard before. That sounds easy enough , replies the bartender. I should warn you , the redditor says, I browse /r/jokes so I’ve heard them all over and over and over again . Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. How about this? he asks, A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery… Heard it. , interrupts the redditor. It’s reposted every month. The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy’s doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash… Heard it!! , the redditor snaps. that’s reposted every week! The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. Aha! This one is sure to impress. What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a thong? No, no, no!!! , the redditor cries out. That joke is reposted every day! OK, OK, please give me one more try , the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. Nope… nope… nope… YES!! This is a great one! OK, lay it on me , the redditor asks eagerly. Here it is , the bartender replies. So a redditor walks into a bar… — EDIT: Sorry for the repost —
A blonde walks into an appliance store… She goes to the clerk and points behind him. I’d like to buy that television there. she declares to the clerk. The clerk turns around, glances back at the lady and says We don’t sell TVs to blondes. discouraged she walks out of the store. The next day she comes back in hopes a new salesperson was working. I’d like to buy that television. pointing again to the one behind the clerk. Angrily he grunts Listen lady, I told you yesterday we don’t sell TVs to blondes. She again storms off. She comes up with a plan and buys a red wig. Again she walks into the store, walks up to the clerk and exclaims I would like to purchase that television. the clerk sighs, I already told you, we don’t sell TVs to blondes! But how did you know it was me!? She asks, Because that’s not a TV, its a microwave.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Seriously, how many blondes? Need to know ASAP.
A redditor walks in to bar… The bartender says, what’ll you have? It’s been so long since I’ve had a good laugh , replies the redditor. I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven’t heard before. That sounds easy enough , replies the bartender. I should warn you , the redditor says, I browse /r/jokes so I’ve heard them all over and over and over again . Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. How about this? he asks, A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery… Heard it. , interrupts the redditor. It’s reposted every month. The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy’s doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash… Heard it!! , the redditor snaps. that’s reposted every week! The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. Aha! This one is sure to impress. What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a thong? No, no, no!!! , the redditor cries out. That joke is reposted every day! OK, OK, please give me one more try , the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. Nope… nope… nope… YES!! This is a great one! OK, lay it on me , the redditor asks eagerly. Here it is , the bartender replies. So a redditor walks into a bar… — Edit: initially screwed up the Donald Trump joke. Embarrassing, since I see it every day. Edit 2: gold! Now this redditor can actually afford to walk into a bar! They accept Reddit gold there, right?
Why was the blonds bellybutton always sore? She had a blond boyfriend.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said, How much will you charge me? Delighted, the girl quickly responded, How about $50? The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The wife replied, You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately. Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. You’re finished already? the startled husband asked. Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. And, by the way, the teenager added, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. Well that explains one ear, but what about the other. The bastard called again
One the my 8th grade history teacher told the class in 1977 A man was standing at a bus stop, a drunk was sitting against a building just behind him. A bus pulls up and a beautiful blonde woman steps off. The man approaches her and whispers something in her ear. She reacts with shock and says, what?!? The man says Particularly nasty weather. The woman calms down and walks away. This happens a couple more times as busses come and let people off. The man would whisper into a woman’s ear and when she would get upset, he would say, particularly nasty weather , which would calm her down and she’d walk away. The drunk was watching all of this and finally gets up, approaches the man and asks what he’s saying to these women that makes them upset. The man explains. I wait for a bus to let people off. If I see a woman I like, I go up to her an whisper, ‘tickle your ass with a feather?’. If she says yes, we go off and have a little fun. If she gets offended I say, ‘particularly nasty weather’ and she thinks she heard me wrong and I don’t get slapped. The drunk asks if he can try. The man steps back as the next bus arrives. A nice brunette steps off and the drunk approaches her. He speaks loudly, shove a feather up your ass lady? She is aghast and raises her hand and says, what?!?!? The drunk says, well fuck, it’s raining ain’t it?
A family is having dinner. Mom, Dad, and son are all at the dinner table enjoying a nice supper. They’re having a conversation about the son’s love life. What happened to that one girl you were dating? The really nice one with the blonde hair? the dad asks. Oh Mary? She was awesome, but she broke up with me because my dick is too big. the son replies with a long face. The mom, shocked, replies. Really? I have no idea where you got a big dick from.
Head and Shoulders There are two women in an elevator. One blonde, one brunette. A man walks in. This man has a severe case of dandruff. The brunette says to the blonde This guy has a ton of dandruff, we should give him some head and shoulders .The blonde replies back saying How do we give shoulders .
