There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ”Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.” Then Mike said ”No way, I won’t say I’m Muslim, I’m gonna be honest”. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammad’. And Mike said ‘My name is Mike’. The Arab man said ‘Hello Mike.’ And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, ‘Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan) Reply :- If the plane crashed at night … all of them would have a Feast Reply to Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
Passengers of a 747 begin settling in for their scheduled takeoff when two men in pilot uniforms stumble into the plane, one with a seeing eye dog and the other with a walking stick. The passengers think it’s some sort of joke and think nothing of it, but the men carefully and methodically make their way to the cockpit. The passengers look at each other a little uneasy but say nothing. The plane starts down the runway ever-increasing in speed. The passengers see the end of the runway approaching and start to mumble to themselves. The plane doesn’t pull up and the runaway end comes ever nearer. A couple passengers release muffled screams and begin to panic, but the plane continues to the end of the runaway. The passengers at this point begin a full-blown panic and scream loudly and right before they hit the trees at the end of the runway, the plane lifts off without a hitch just barely grazing the tops of the trees as it passes. Inside the cockpit, the blind copilot turns to the other and says, That was close. You know one day they’re not gonna scream and we’re all gonna die. The blind pilots
People always tell me that having babies on an airplane is the worst thing in the world. – But I am quick to tell them, Now that is just not true. I can think of four instances, right off the top of my head, in which having a baby on an airplane was awesome. – Incidentally, all of those occurences were on 9/11. Babies on an airplane…
People are riding in an airplane when all of a sudden the audio system turns on with the pilots voice, and he says, something has gone wrong in the engine and this plane is going to crash if we dont lighten the load, so I am going to need you guys to throw out of the airplane whatever you have excess of in your country A little frightened 3 passengers are obedient and begin to throw out what they have too much of in their country, the man from china begins by throwing out all the rice on the plane, the man from mexico throws out all the beans on the plane, the man from USA then throws out the mexican man and the chinese man. Little Johnny just sits there and laughs. Airplane Joke
Perfect Timing Canine Humour People of the Senior Generation Words with two Meanings FORD AIRPLANES David M’s Gallery Things You See Every Day In Dubai! Page 2 Home Schooling Need a Laugh These Are Great Today’s History Lesson Jet Man Over Rio Auntie Acid Chalk Guy Is Back Interesting Articles and Videos 31st August Britain’s 5,000 Year Old Temple in Orkney Charles Darwin Illuminati Family Member Exposed Sunday Family Humour 31st August
Persident Obama, Oprah, and Michelle were all flying on Air Force One one day. Obama turned to Oprah, chuckled, and said You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out of the window right now and make someone very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, Well if that’s the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make one hundred people happy. Hearing this exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes, turned towards his co-pilot, and said Big friggin deal. I could throw all three of them out of a window and make 319 million people happy. A conversation on Air Force One
Phil gets on an airplane and starts looking for a seat. As he’s walking toward the nearest window seat, he notices his friend Jack at the back of the plane. Phil waves his hand and says, Hi, Jack! Phil was arrested and detained for seven hours. A man gets on an airplane
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75 story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs. Phil said to Jim and John, let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I’ll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories. The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John’s sad stories started. I guess I’ll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car. (EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR DAMMIT 75 story hotel
Pierre just came to the U.S. and was instructed in his English class to come up with a phrase or saying using 3 English words he heard over the next weekend. He first went to the zoo and his favorite animals were the zebras, so he decided to try to use that word in his sentence. While at the zoo, he heard a mother singing to her child, Hush little baby, don’t say a word… Pierre decided he would include the word baby in his sentence as well. Also near the zoo was an airport. He heard a father talking to his son, Watch the plane take-off! Pierre struggled to come up with a phrase using just 3 words, but he finally felt confident. When the teacher called him up he explained where he went and how he came up with his phrase. The teacher was very proud of Pierre’s good work until he announced his phrase, Take-off ze-bra, baby! French Student
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, Pierre, kiss me! Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. What are you doing, Pierre? says the startled Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. Pierre! What are you doing now? asks the bewildered Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower! Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? Our hero stands and says defiantly, I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames! I am Pierre
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, Pierre, kiss me! Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. What are you doing, Pierre? says the startled Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. Pierre! What are you doing now? asks the bewildered Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower! Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? Our hero stands and says defiantly, I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames! Marie, fearing for Pierre’s mental security, grabbed and threw the pilot into the river too, in the hopes it would bring him back to his senses. Alas, it did little good, for Pierre was truly *in Seine.* Pierre, the French fighter pilot
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: Pierre, kiss me . So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. What are you doing, Pierre? shrieks Marie. Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine! His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom. Pierre, what are you doing she says. My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine! They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre’s ear… Pierre, kiss me lower. Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!? My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!! Pierre the fighter pilot
Pilot What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
Pilot error What do you call a pregnant air hostess
Pilot error. What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant?
Pilot season What’s a Chinese fisherman’s least favorite part of living in Hollywood?
Pilot: Ok [via intercom] is there a fireman on the plane? Co-Pilot: ask in a way that won’t panic everyone
Pilot: There is only three parachutes on the plane. We should give them to the Boy Scouts as they are young and have their whole future ahead of them still. Lawyer: Fuck the Boy Scouts, give me a parachute! Priest: Do we have time? Aboard a airplane that is about to crash is a lawyer, a priest, and three Boy Scouts….
Pilots, you racist! What do you call two black men flying an airplane?
Pilots…….you racist idiot. A married couple are having sex…
Pilots…….you racist idiot. What do you call a black guy and an indian guy flying a plane?
Pizza. Someone ordered two large planes. What was the last food delivered to the Twin Towers?
Plane English. What language does a flight attendant speak?
Plane food or Plain food? What do you eat when you fly?
Plane is running out of fuel and the pilot and co-pilot are discussing what to do. To get most of the passengers home safely, they decided to throw some of them off the plane to reduce the weight. But who to throw off the plane? So they decided to do it alphabetically. Pilot: Please all African-Americans jump off the plane. All is quiet. Pilot: Please all the Black people jump of the plane. Everything is quiet again. Pilot: Please all Coloured people jump off the plane. One small black boy said to his mom: Mommy, that is us. Mom says: Shut up, today we are Niggers. I AM NOT RACIST! Just thought it was clever and wanted to share it with you guys. Plane is running out of fuel…
Plane wrong. 9/11 jokes are just…
Planes blowin’ up On a Tuesday Islamist Humor
Planes were waiting to take of at LAX. Been waiting for some time when a pilot radioed, I’m fucking bored. The tower immediately responded tersely with, pilot who just made that comment, identify yourself. After a few moments the tower heard, I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid. The pilot and the Air Traffic Controller
Please don’t do it. Making jokes about 9/11 is just **plane** wrong. ~~dontkillmeforthis~~ To the people who will be posting 9/11 jokes this month:
Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370… And now can’t come out of his girlfriend’s apartment. The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor
Poles on the rigth half of the plane are unstable Know why polish airplanes only fill half of an airplane for each fligth?
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. Mr. President, said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, there’s good news & bad news. Oh, no, muttered the President, Well, let me have the bad news first. The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet. Gosh, and the good news? The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil. President Dubya was awakened one night…
President Obama was visiting a primary school, and visited the 1st grade classes. The class was in the middle of a lesson on words and thier meaning. Obama ask if any of the kids could give the meaning of the word tragedy . One lil boy stood up and said If my best freind was playing in the road and got hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Obama replied, No, that would be an acident So a little girl stood up and said If a bus carrying 50 students ran off a cliff and everyone died, that would be a tragedy! Obama replied, No, that would be a great loss. So the room went silent and then Little Johnny stood up and said If You and Mrs. Obama were in a plane and it got hit by a friendly fire missle and you all died then that would be a tragedy! Obama replied, Yes, Johnny that would be a tragedy, but can you tell me why? Johnny said, Because, it sure as hell won’t be a great loss and you can bet your black a** it probably wasn’t an accident either! Ooh Johnny
President Ready to Use Executive Action for Amnesty Though he did leave open the option of signing an amnesty bill passed by Congress, President Obama vowed to go it alone if they don’t give me what I want. New York politicians Senator Charles Schmer (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) endorsed using a Presidential Executive Order to accomplish immigration reform. Even if a GOP controlled Congress were to pass an immigration reform bill it is bound to be cluttered with unessential, un-American add-ons like enhanced border security, deportation of criminals and the like, Schumer warned. These types of restrictions tarnish America as a beacon of freedom. Echoing Senator Schumer, Mayor de Blasio insisted that America must never shut itself off from people seeking a better life. Republican efforts to try to sort out the so-called worthy from those likely to become public charges is fundamentally inhumane. What society on the planet is more able to afford the burdens of sustaining the indigent, distressed, and demoralized human beings of the world? Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied that the recently completed election answered Obama’s taunt last year that if you don’t like my policies, go out and win an election. Tuesday’s election results don’t meet what we consider the minimum threshold for overturning Administration policy on any issue, Earnest defiantly declared. They don’t change anything. As the President has pointed out, two-thirds of registered voters didn’t vote. Their silence can be taken as strong evidence of their satisfaction with the way things are going. They had every opportunity to go out and vote against the President’s policies, but they didn’t. We’re pretty confident that this is a solid mandate to stay the course for the President’s agenda. Let’s also not forget that the US Government is the most important organization on Earth, Earnest added. That makes President Obama, as the ruler of America, the most important person on Earth. He has a duty to act for the benefit of all mankind and cannot let a disagreeable Congress impede his fulfillment of this duty. In related news, Attorney General Eric Holder defended his practice of calling political opponents idiots. If we act all polite it conveys a message of possible legitimacy to their point of view, Holder said. That’s the exact opposite of what we’re trying to achieve. In contrast, an idiot’s point of view has no legitimacy. It merits no consideration. It shouldn’t even be aired much less listened to. Landrieu off to Bad Start in Louisiana Runoff Election Incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) got off to a bad start in her desperate bid to hold onto her seat. In an attempt to characterize her Republican opponent Bill Cassidy as unreliable and undependable, Landrieu demanded to know what he had done to help the state recover from 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. Cassidy, an MD, responded that he had been working to provide medical aid to refugees of the storm. With help from friends and neighbors he and his physicians’ group set up an emergency treatment center in an abandoned K-Mart. Landrieu shruugged this off as small potatoes. While my opponent was treating a handful of individual victims I was addressing the bigger problemthe incompetence of the Bush Administration. I might not have directly saved anyone’s life at that time, but I helped lay the groundwork for Democrats to take control of both Houses of Congress in the 2006 elections. Without this majority, President Obama’s Affordable Care Act would never have passed in 2010. Joel DiGrado, Cassidy for Senate campaign manager, thanked Landrieu for clarifying the distinction between the two candidates. It could hardly be more clear that Bill Cassidy is a man of action and a person with a heart. He saw a need and took steps to meet it. In contrast, Landrieu touts her political hectoring of former President Bush and her role in paving the way for Obamacare. It will now be up to voters to decide which of these approaches to problem solving they’d like to see from their state’s Senator. City Seizes Art Studio The Philadelphia Redevelopment Authority (PRA) has received court approval of its seizure of the art studio of James Dupree. It plans to bulldoze it and sell the land to a private grocery chain. Despite renovating a dilapidated warehouse and converting it into an attractive and bustling center for artistic expression, Dupree’s property rights are being sacrificed to the PRA’s vision of what the City needs. It’s a question of whether the rights of the collective community should take precedence over the rights of a single individual, PRA Executive Director Ed Covington explained. Far more people will eat the food sold at the proposed supermarket than will ever see the works of art produced or displayed at Mr. Dupree’s studio. Social justice commands that the benefit of the greater number takes precedence over the rights of one man. Covington dismissed the possibility that the supermarket could be built at another location. I suppose that if we were to search hard enough we might find such a place, but it might not be as conveniently located, he said. Should we really undermine the convenience of thousands of shoppers in the name of the abstract property rights of a single individual? IRS Admits It Didn’t Really Look for Lois Lerner’s Lost Emails IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn’t exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations. Look, we were between a rock and a hard place, Koskinen contended. On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found. If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt, Koskinen pointed out. It’s embarrassing. We look like crooks to the average American. But if we defy the President, well, he has people who can make you disappear or meet with an untimely accident. Given this same choice I don’t think there’s anyone who would have done it differently. Congresswoman Proposes Barack Obama Sperm Bank Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) says she will introduce legislation that would establish a federally funded Barack Obama sperm bank in the upcoming lame duck session of Congress. She says she got the idea from a similar proposal to establish a Vladimir Putin sperm bank in Russia. We can’t afford to fall behind in what could turn out to be a critical competition to propagate the seed of the nation’s best and brightest, Lee argued. Granted, it would be decades before the offspring of President Obama’s banked sperm could be expected to make a strategic difference, but if we fail to act now we will come up short at a possibly crucial time in the future. According to Lee, a socially beneficial byproduct of this strategically oriented measure is that it would give women a better option than shacking up with some lowlife who beats her and steals her welfare money. The President would, of course, still be an absentee father, so the child would qualify for benefits. And if genetics plays true, the child will most likely have a better life than peers sired by criminals and deadbeats. In related news, Harvard University announced a new course titled What What in the Butt: Anal Sex 101. A spokesperson for the University explained that the purpose of this course is to help students learn the facts about this exciting, yet often misunderstood form of pleasure. We take pride in staying ahead of the curve by offering to teach skills that less enlightened institutions shy away from out of fear of criticism. Elected Black Republicans Called Traitors to Their Race The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) neglected to include Rep. Mia Love (R-Utah) and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) n its post-election congratulations to African-Americans who won their races. Cornell William Brooks, President and CEO of the NAACP, characterized the election of the Black conservatives as more of a setback than an advancement for people of color. These two have bought the right wing propaganda that individual achievement, hard work, and honesty are the way a person gets ahead in this world. Unfortunately, every individually successful Black person dilutes our case for slavery reparations. Brooks predicted that Love and Scott will join their white oppressors in voting against increases in welfare benefits, against racial set-asides, against reparations, and for the kind of strict law enforcement that has disproportionately sent so many of our brothers to prison. They are traitors to their race. Rep. Love, who grew up in humble circumstances, cited her father’s advice to never take a hand-out and never be a burden to society as my guiding light in social, economic, and political philosophy. This is a view that Brooks contends puts her diametrically at odds with the vast majority of African Americans. Sen. Scott, meanwhile was given an F by the NAACP for vowing to free Black Americans from the trap of dependency that the Democratic Party has lured so many into. The only secure path to a successful life is through personal effort. I will be working toward removing the barriers to this effort erected by Democrats. SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, November 9, 2014 Edition
Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane? I responded that I really didn’t know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane? I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion – a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion. Probability theory
Problem is i’m not sure if I can hold on to the outside of the plane for that long. I was looking for the best price for a flight from the UK to the US and found Air India is the cheapest..
push a man out of a plane and he will fly for a lifetime Buy a man a ticket for a plane and he will fly once
Put all the infected on a Malaysian Airplane How do we get rid of Ebola?
Put it into airplane mode. How do you blow up a Muslim’s iPhone?
Put it on airplane mode. How do you blow up a Muslim’s phone?
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A. He wanted cold hard cash! Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? A. Is that you mommy? Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite. Q. How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones. Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? A. Spoiled milk. Q. Where do polar bears vote? A. The North Poll Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane? A. ME!!! Q. Where do snowmen keep their money? A. In snow banks. Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick. Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Q. What dog keeps the best time? A. A watch dog. Q. Why did the tomato turn red? A. It saw the salad dressing! Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? A. It let out a little wine! Q. How do you make a tissue dance? A. Put a little boogey in it! Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom? A. At the BP station! Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A. Odor in the court. Stupid Q & A Jokes
Q: Did you hear why Rosie O’Donnell got arrested? A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack. Auto-correct simply means you end up saying stuff that you didn’t Nintendo.
Q: Did you hear why Rosie O’Donnell got arrested? A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack. OPRAH AND AIRPORT SECURITY
Q: What did the ocean say to the airplane? A: Nothing, it just waved. Q: Do old planes retire? A: No, they just get more turbulent. Q: Why did the young plane study so hard? A: He really wanted a higher education! Q: Did you hear the joke about the jet? A: It’s over your head. Q: What do you call a flying policeman? A: A helicopper! Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner? A: A stamp! Q: What keeps jazz musicians on earth? A: Groovity! Q: What goes up and down but doesn’t move? A: The temperature! Q: I’m not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I’m not a river, but I’m full of water. What am I? A: A cloud Kids jokes
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas? A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers. BEAT THE CASINO
Rajesh and Mona are flying to Australia to celebrate their anniversary when suddenly, over the PA system, the Pilot announces, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued as it is a totally unknown island. So we may have to live on the island for the rest of our lives! Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later after deep thought, Rajesh turns to his wife and still shaken from the crash landing, asks Mona, have we paid our Credit Card dues yet? Oh, No! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque, And Did you send cheque for the auto loan this month? he asks. Oh! Forgive me, Rajesh, begged Mona. I didn’t send that one, either. Rajesh grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 20 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, So, why are you kissing me? Rajesh : We are Saved! ICICI Bank will find us! How to get found when lost on an Island ?
Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging: I bet I have the worlds smallest hands said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said I have the world smallest feet and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet. I told them that if that would be really true, they should get the certificate of the Guinness Book of World Records, to prove that they were right. So I took them to the office where the first on walks into the office and afterwards walks out proudly with his certificate which said : WORLDS SMALLEST HANDS The second dwarf walks in and after five minutes he walks out all proud with his certificate : WORLDS SMALLEST FEET The third dwarf walks in and after ten minutes he walks out sobbing and all disappointed and kept mumbeling: Who the F*ck is Adam Sandler?
Recently me and my friend went into an infected lobby in MW3 and found people that werr camping in corners and we blocked them in the corner and shouted fight or flight in our mics and stayed there until we all died not shooting and he had to defend himself totally without moving out of the corner. Quite funny and hilarious troll value Fun spam/troll in older call of duty games
remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say may day
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. The economy will boom with the extra spending! This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton What a well thought out plan by one of the great VISIONARIES of our time !!!
Reports show he was flying over Barcelona today, when the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is dead.
Required qualifications: – Work experience of 50 years or more; – Incumbent must defeat a dragon; – Willingness to work on weekends and holidays; – Helicopter piloting licence; – Ability to programme in any language imaginable; – Knowledge of Swahili at least at uppеr intеrmеdiаtе level; – Daily acquisition of 100,500 new clients; – Understanding of thermonuclear fusion; – Experience organising concerts of Cannibal Corpse in Saudi Arabia; – Confidence in using telekinesis; – High concentration of midi-chlorians in the blood; – Gold or silver medal from the Olympics; – Nobel prize in physics would be an asset. What we offer: – A chair, hot water. – Comfortable office in an abandoned mental asylum across from the cemetery. Vacancy announcements these days
Responsibilities include: -Appropriately treating all fags, as God hates ALL fags -Contribute urine to the churches ammunition each day. -Produce signs with quality phrases (i.e. Planes crash, God laughs.) The Westboro Baptist Church has a job opening. The job description is…
Rod was a kid from a small mining town in Pennsylvania. He did well in class and was a wonder on the football field. He eventually got a football scholarship to a university down in Florida where he got an engineering degree. Soon after, he got his first real job at the coal mining plant back in his home town. Back home for the first time in years, and eager to find some of his old pals, he decided to go to down to a local bar that he and his friends used to frequent. When he got there he ran into a buddy of his on his way out. They quickly decided to go inside to have a beer together and catch up. His friend went on to tell him that he had joined the military after high school to become a paratrooper. Wow that sounds awesome! What was your training like? Rod asked. The friend replied, It was a really great experience and I really learned a lot. The only problem was getting used to jumping out of an air plane. The first time I ever went up in a plane with a parachute I was last in line to jump. And my jumpmaster was this big black trunk of a man with a booming voice and an angry look on his face. When it was finally my turn to jump, I walked up to the door, grabbed the handles and froze up. The instructor looked at me and said, JOHNSON! JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE RIGHT NOW!’ where I replied I can’t sir, my body just won’t move!’. He then said, IF YOU DON’T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO PUT MY DICK STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS!’ and then he proceeded to pull out the biggest blackest dick I have ever seen in my life! I was absolutely terrified and I didn’t know what to do! So what happened? Did you jump? Rod asked. Yea, a little at first he said. Jumpmaster Disaster
Ron and Josh headed out to their favorite bar in Seattle for a night of drinking only to realize that the prices had been raised tremendously. Ron turned to Josh, This is ridiculous. I’m not paying that. Josh replied I heard jet fuel gets you really fucked up. If we can sneak into the airport we can steal some. (This was back in the day when you could just walk anywhere in airports). So Ron and Josh go on their way and steal some jet fuel. Turns out jet fuel really does get you wasted and doesn’t taste all that bad and they have a fun night. The morning comes and the guys are in their separate homes. Ron awakes and to his surprise has no hangover! He calls Josh, Can you believe this stuff. I’m not hung over at all. Yeah it’s great, but have you farted yet? asks Josh. No, why? Because I’m in Phoenix. heard this from a friend not sure how popular it is…
Ronald Fujikawa was on a plane from Walla Walla, Washington to Hong Kong for a business trip, but the plane ran low of fuel partway there, so they had to land in Tokyo, Japan. As the crew was refueling the plane, it was discovered that there were other mechanical problems to be addressed. Thus, the flight out of Japan was delayed for 12 hours. Ronald, though upset by the setback, decided it would be a better idea to spend this time doing fun stuff. So, he goes to the information desk in the airport, and the girl there says cheerfully, «こんにちは！どのようなご用件でしょう？» Ronald replies, «こんにちは！英語を話せますか？» The girl says, «はい、そうですよ。» He says, Great! I was wondering, what’s around here that’s interesting? I know one that’s perfect! There’s a mountain-climbing expedition on Mt. Fuji. You get to climb all the way to the top! That is exciting! Still, I only have twelve hours until my flight leaves. Oh, too bad. Well, there is the Studio Ghibli Museum. It has all sorts of memorabilia from the movies, and it teaches about the history of the Studio and Hayao Miyazaki. Studio what now? Oh, never mind Anyway, I do know of this Buddhist monastery just half an hour out of Tokyo. It’s absolutely gorgeous, and it has a lot of interesting history. Hey, that sounds pretty good! I’ll do that! Wonderful! I’ll call you a cab. What’s your name? My name’s Ronald Fujikawa. All right, she says, We’ll have that cab here soon. Great, Ronald says, «ありがとう。» «をください、ミスター藤川、» she giggles. With a polite bow, Ronald walks away to the airport entrance and waits for his taxi. Just a few minutes later, it pulls up right in front of him. Ronald can’t help but notice (and mention) that the driver is Pakistani, to which the driver replies, Some go to America to drive taxi, some go elsewhere to drive taxi. Is no big deal. So, you Ronald Fujikawa? Yep, that’s me. Alright, come aboard, friend! He does so, and they’re off. About forty-five minutes later (what with city traffic and all), they arrive at the monastery. It’s an absolutely beautiful sight: nestled in the mountainside with cherry blossoms and wisterias blooming all around; a small waterfall just behind the monastery that tumbles into a winding stream below; the soft grass layered with gold by the setting sun. Ronald is so captivated by the wonder of it all that the cabbie yells, Hey, buddy! Ronald, startled, responds, Oh! What? He hesitates for a second, then realizes, Oh, right. The fare. Ronald hands him the money, and the cabbie leaves. He meanders towards the monastery, taking in the view. He climbs the huge stone steps leading to the front entrance, when he’s greeted by a monk, Welcome. We are certainly glad to have a visitor. Ronald, perplexed, asks, Do you not have many guests? Oh, we do. We are glad, nonetheless. Ronald smiles in admiration of their hospitality, and the monk says, Come, this way. The monk leads him to a gigantic wooden door trimmed with gold. He calls out, Bobo, come here, please! Then, from around the corner comes a chimpanzee. Bobo, would you kindly open the door for us? Bobo walks over to the door, turns the handle, and pulls it open. Thank you, Bobo. As Ronald and the monk walk inside, Ronald asks, Why did you need Bobo to open the door? The monk replies, He’s the monk-key. The Japanese Monastary
Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students. One day, Ryan’s mum went to her son’s school and had a talk with Ryan’s teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid. The mother, shocked, decided to move to England to get a new life. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a severe cardiac problem, and that only a very experienced surgeon in England could manage such problem. The teacher decided to sell everything to pay a flight to England, and so she did. When she got there, a very well clothed man received her at the airport and took her to the hospital in a Mercedes Benz. Then she got operated, and when the surgery ended, the doctor said Well, this is a complete success. When the teacher woke up, she was in a room with people surrounding her. Then she looked at the surgeon, but before she could say anything, her face turned blue, she couldn’t breathe, and suddenly she passed away before anybody could understand what was happening. Well, the doctor looked at one of his assistants, he got mad, and started screaming: WHAT THE FUCK, RYAN! YOU JUST UNPLUGGED THE RESPIRATOR TO CHARGE YOUR **GODDAMN PHONE?!!** OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU’RE THE DUMBEST KID I’VE EVER MET!
Sally was selling tickets at the movie house when I got a phone call. This woman said, How much is a ticket? Sally said, Four dollars. She said, How much for children? Sally said, Same price, four dollars. She said, The airlines charge half fare for children. Sally said, You come to the movie – put the kids on a plane. Sally was selling tickets
Santa clause, a child, and an innocent black man jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The child there’s no such thing as Santa or an innocent black man Black joke
Sat next to a baby on an airplane. Ten hour flight. I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight. Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off. Sat next to a baby on an airplane
Says Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok Old Chinese Proverb
Scientists are saying that there are gonna be seven planets after I destroy URANUS Scientists are saying
Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here’s another set. Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki : > The typical traits of the jewish mom include : > > * An excessive pride of their son’s achievements. They’ll always say My son, the doctor or My son, the lawyer > * In contrast, a jewish mother won’t stop complaining if she estimates her son failed academically, financially, or worst, in his love life. The only thing that’s worse than a jewish mother is a jewish mother in law. > * She will mother her child until adulthood and beyond. A jew whose mom is alive will always be a 15 year old. > * Her principles are education rules. > * She always worries about her kids, exagerating the dangers > * She promotes obedience and submission of her children. > * She uses guilt to manipulate her children. **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** A jewish mom calls the airport and says : Hello, what time does my son’s plane land? **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** A jewish mom confides to a friend : * My son had two failed marriages. His first wife left him. * What about the second? * Event worst, she stayed! **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** A jewish mom offers her son two shirts for his birthday. The first time she sees him wearing one, she says : * I knew you wouldn’t like the other. **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** What’s the difference between a jewish mom and a terrorist? You can negociate with a terrorist. **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** A jewish mom has tumultuous relations with her son and ends up getting him to a psychologist. * I’m sorry to tell you, but your son suffers from an Oedipus complex. * You know what, it’s alright, as long as he love me. **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx** Two jew moms are talking : * How are you? * Terrible, my daughter in law told my son she’ll leave him if I keep on making remarks. * That’s terrible! * Yes, I will miss her a lot… Another set of Jewish mom jokes
Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode My phone keeps going missing
Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode Whats a trilby clad, neck bearded gentlemen’s favorite color?
Set thrusters in capsule to RAP GOD. RAP GOD, thats insane, you’ll die! I HAVE NO CHOICE!! Setting all thrusters in capsule to Rap God… Gentlemen its been an honor to work with you, may i see you on the other side of this universe, or beyond. God speed men, Rap God speed. 10 years later… Sir were getting a transmission for sector 9457274 What impossible thats nearly half way across the universe, no one knows the radio waves of this station in that region… except… Could it be. Yes, Yes it is. Crazy man did it. He made it to the other side… Whats the transmission. Its an inhabitation alert, we found a PLANET!!! I never thought i would say this but… alert command we found a planet we could inhabit. After years of searching after the disaster, we did it. Hour later… Command asked what we should name it Name it after the device who help find it- RG 288 I had an idea, and this is what it is
She asks the cab driver How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport? The cab driver answers Around 20 bucks The woman then says I’m carrying luggage, do these get charged? Driver: No, i don’t charge for luggage The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says see you at the airport then, ill take the bus A blonde woman waves a cab
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous! The pilot responds, Patricia, I’ve told you before. This is Air Force One… A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board…
She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn’t suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys. The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!! . The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn’t believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth. They asked him: Don’t you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony? The husband said: Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house…
She heard them yelling out bitch and bastard a couple of times. The kid intervened and asked them what does bitches and bastards mean. The mom said those words mean ladies and gentlemen. A week later, the kid was watching TV with her dad. Later, a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on, uttering the following words a couple of times: bras and panties. The kid asked her dad for the meaning of the words and he said they mean coats and hats. A few days passed and the kid saw her mom failing to put a couple of model plane pieces together and she heard her yell, Fuck! The kid questioned, What does ‘fuck’ mean? The mom replied, Fuck means to ‘put’ something. On the same day the kid saw her dad putting on cologne. Then, the dad accidentally sprayed some in his mouth and shouted, Shit! The kid, again, asked for the meaning of the word. After the dad flushed his mouth with water, he said shit means cologne. A month later, during Christmas Eve, the kid’s extended family came to her house for a special dinner. The kid answered the door and happily greeted them, Good evening bitches and bastards. Please hang your bras and panties on the rack and wait for a few minutes. My dad is busy putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey on top of the dinner table. One day, a kid heard her parents arguing.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me. She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago. The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle. The Nun says to herself, I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life. She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking this is incredible. I’ve got to try this again. Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind. Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life. But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago. A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She met a group of friends who are Democratic super delegates from different parts of the country online and one of the things they liked to do was to tell stories that topped each other. One day, they decided to meet up in person and introduce themselves to each other for real. After some friendly chit chats and a couple of drinks at the hotel bar, they started talking about how they used sex instead of political influences to get things for free. The New Yorker started, Last week I gave a waiter a nice hand job and I got my dinner for free. The friend from Chicago, wanted to top the story, said, Well, that’s nice but yesterday I gave a bartender a blow job and let him come all over my face. I got free drinks for myself and all my friends. Don’t want to be left behind, the Seattleite said, When my plane landed this morning, I give the captain a blow job and I swallowed all his cum. Now I have free first class ticket back to Seattle. The Washington D.C. friend, wanting to trump all the stories, said Well, I let the hotel manager here fuck me and come into my asshole earlier, so all of our rooms and meals are comped. At this point, Debra is thinking, oh boy, I am I going to top this? She excused herself to the restroom to buy her some time to think. On her way there, she runs into Bill Clinton. Upon returning to her friends at the bar, she said, well, guess what? I just ran into ex-President Bill Clinton and we fucked in the bathroom and I let him come into my pussy. Now I can get almost any favors I want because I can blackmail him by threatening to tell the news media what happened. All of her new friends are in shock and impressed. They said in unison, Well, Debra, I guess you win. None of us can top that because none of us has a pussy. Debra is topper and because of her attitude, she doesn’t have a lot of friends in real life.
She sits down in the first class. A steward, – who has seen her ticket at the entrance – approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely: – Madam, your ticket is not for the first class, but for the Economy. Would you please proceed to the back? The woman stands up and says quite loudly: – I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! – And she sits back. The steward is in a kind of a shock, so he walks to the co-pilot and tells him what happened. The co-pilot walks also to the woman and says: – Madam, if I understood well, you ticket is for the Economy Class. You must proceed to the back, this area is first class. The woman stands up and says quite loudly: – I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! – And she sits back. Well, the co-pilot can’t force her either, so they go together with the steward to the pilot and tell him about the situation. The pilot chuckles a little and answers very calmly: – Let me talk to her. I understand blond women, my wife is also blond. So he walks to the woman as the steward and the co-pilot are curiously watching. He leans down to her and whispers something in her ears. The woman stands up immediately and walks to the back of the plane. The steward and the co-pilot are in shock. They run to the pilot and ask him: – What did you possibly say to her? The pilot just smiles and says: – I told her the First Class isn’t going to Miami. A blond woman gets on a plane…
She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it’s only 2110 now. (Credit, John Cleese c. 1991) Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?
Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replies, I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes asks, And what do you deduce from that? Well, if there are millions of stars, Watson says, there must be some with planets, and some of those planets must be like Earth. And if there are planets like Earth, there might be planets with life. And Holmes says, Watson, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent. Sherlock and Watson go camping
Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up. Watson, look up at the sky. he says. What do you see? I see lots and lots of stars he replies. And what does that tell you? Sherlock asks. Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock? No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent! [Meta] A word on 9/11 jokes.
Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up. Watson, look up at the sky. he says. What do you see? I see lots and lots of stars he replies. And what does that tell you? Sherlock asks. Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock? No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent! Sherlock and Watson go camping…
Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up. Watson, look up at the sky. he says. What do you see? I see lots and lots of stars he replies. And what does that tell you? Sherlock asks. Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock? No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent! why doctorates are better then MBBS, the pee HD
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, – Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. – Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. – Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. – Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. – Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent! What does it tell you, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes. Replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? Watson, you idiot! He exclaims. Someone has stolen our tent! I don’t know if this has been posted before but it’s one of my favourite jokes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson said, I see millions and millions of stars. Sherlock said, And what does that tell you? After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Go Camping…
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: And what do you deduce from that? Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. Camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: And what do you deduce from that? Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. Old joke is old but still great
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see. Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes said: And what do you deduce from that? Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. Watson you idiot!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night. At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see? Watson said, I see millions of stars. Holmes asks, And, what does that tell you? Watson replies, Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it’s about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes retorts, Someone stole our tent. anyone interested in a good Sherlock Holmes joke?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. – Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replies, – I see millions of stars. – What does that tell you? Watson ponders for a minute. – Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. – Watson, you’re idiot, someone has stolen our tent. Sherlock Holmes – Elementary Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replies, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson ponders for a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson…
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that? Watson ponders for a minute. Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent! What do you see watson?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you? Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent. Holmes and Watson on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent. – Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky? Watson looks up and says, I see millions of stars. Sherlock says, Well, what can you deduce from that? After a moment’s thought, Watson says, Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think? Sherlock says, No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent. Has been posted before, but one of my favorites.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping one night. They’ve had a great evening but it’s getting late so they go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes elbows Watson awake and says – Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce. Watson looks up and says – Well, there’s million of stars out there and if just some of them are like are star then maybe some of them have planets and if some of those planets are like our planet then maybe……..just maybe……. there’s two other people out there right now looking at our star and wondering the same thing. No you twat, says Holmes, someone’s stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes goes camping
Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see? Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, Stars. Millions and millions of them. Holmes responded: I agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you have picked up on many of my techniques of deduction. Can you deduce something from what you see here? Dr. Watson looked at Mr. Holmes and said, Well, I’m not as good as you are, by any stretch, but why not. I deduce that from these millions of stars, there must be at least one planet not unlike ours which supports intelligent life. I deduce that the universe is vast beyond measure, and that all of humanity is naught but a speck in the grandness of the cosmos. I deduce that someday mankind will explore these uncharted realms and be basked in the greatness of the universe. Mr. Holmes nods through all of this. Anything else you can deduce? Watson is a little taken aback, and responds Is there something that comes to mind for you? Holmes turns to his assistant, looks him dead in the eye, and states: Watson you dunderhead; someone stole our tent. SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON
Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available . A flight from Dublin to Boston
Shortly after takeoff the Senior Air Hostess speaks over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen if I can have your attention for a moment. I regret to inform you that due to a mix up before takeoff, we do not have enough food for everyone on board. Our current stock is just 30 dinners. However we do have a fully stocked bar, so if anyone is willing to give up their dinner, we will happily supply them with alcoholic beverages, on the house, for the duration of the flight. The attendants then proceed through the plane with the catering carts. Afterwards, the Senior Air Hostess once again speaks over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen I would like to take a moment to thank you for your cooperation and inform you that we still have 30 dinners available on board for anyone who may be interested. An Aer Lingus flight to New York takes off from Dublin…
Since they’re flying over the ocean, all the nearest airports are hours away, so the pilot says: ‘Ladies and gentlemen! Unfortunately, we’ll crash… unless we get rid of some extra weight. The stewardesses have already thrown out all unnecessary objects, but this wasn’t enough, so a few passangers will have to sacrifice themselves as well. Are there any volunteers?’ Dead silence. ‘Then, we’ll have to choose based on a certain quality,’ continues the pilot. ‘Of course, we’d like to avoid any semblance of racism, so we’ll go in alphabetical order. Please, all African-Americans stand!’ Nobody stands up. ‘Then I’d like to ask the black- and brown-skinned passangers to stand up!’ At this point, a black boy whispers something to his father: ‘Dad! I always thought we were African-Americans. And our skin is black too, so why didn’t we stand up?’ ‘Shut your mouth, son,’ says the father. ‘Here and now, we’re niggers!’ An airplane loses one of its engines and starts to lose altitude
sitting on a plane in first class. The lady from Texas says Where y’all from? The lady from New York idignantly answers I am from a place where we do not end a sentence in a preposition! The lady from Texas smiles and says Where y’all from bitch? A lady from New York and a Lady from Texas
Snakes on a plane. What do you call a bunch of male pornstars on a flight together?
