The last guy was a real asshole So, like 10 years ago or so when AIM was still popular I met this girl in one of the single chat rooms. I used to get on the chat rooms and speak to random strangers for hours, especially in the summer. This was probably the summer before freshman year, and I meet this girl with the screen name of sexyblonde69. We are just chatting and going back in forth. I think I met her in a singles chat. We exchanged ASL, she said she was 35, female, from Texas. I thought it was awesome she was from Texas and I told her I was 25. I don’t know if she believed me, but I have always looked older than I am. We exchange photos and I find out she is from Houston. She is stacked. I mean, gorgeous breasts. One day, a buddy of mine stops by my house and tells me he is running from the cops and needed to stash some of his coke at my house for a day or two. I oblige, and ask him if I can do some. He says of course, just get him back. So, I do a line and stick the rest in my closet. Both of my parents were working at the time and my brothers were either not home or just not around. I go out to the computer room and jump on AIM. Sexyblonde69, whose name is Cheri, is on and we start chatting. She tells me that she is about to go do some shopping for a party tonight and ask what I am up to. I felt like a badass so I bragged about just doing some coke and how I was just chilling at the house. She asked if I had any plans for tonight and I told her no. She invites me out to Houston so I can go to the club with her friends. Keep in mind, I was 14 without a car. My dad always had an extra work truck or two at the house for some reason, so I could definitely get a car. I had been working as a shop hand most of the summer so I also had a little spending money. I start really thinking that I could make it to Houston. Then she adds in that if I show up, I will definitely get to fuck her tonight. Okay. Now I am stoked. I pull the coke down from the closet and do another line. I really have to think on this. If I go to Houston, I get to lose my virginity to a gorgeous 35 year old woman. Well, I think with my dick like any other 14 year old would and I go check to make sure the keys are in the work truck. Cheri and I exchange numbers and I hit the road. Keep in mind this is before GPS on your phones and everything. I believe I had a Razr… So, a typical drive to Houston would take 2 and a half hours. I leave at 5pm and plan on meeting Cheri at her house and then taking her out for dinner before the club. So, I get to Houston as planned around 8, but then I proceed to drive around Houston on the phone with Cheri for two fucking hours because she could not give me directions as to where she lived. I finally pull up to her house. Nice looking house, it was all lit up and there were two vehicles out front already. I think, okay. You got this. I pop a mint and head for the door. I knock and about 30 seconds later some dude in shorts and a wife beater answers the door. Big beer belly sticking out. Had to be in his mid 50’s.. I nervously ask if Cheri is home, to which he replies yes that she is getting ready. I am 2 hours late and this bitch is still getting ready! He invites me in and introduces himself as Mike, Cheri’s father. We walk into the living room where he is watching the History Channel. He offers me a beer, to which I decline because I tell him I am driving and want to be responsible. He tells me good choice and we start watching TV. Well, after 10 minutes or so he pulls out a joint and asks if I would like to smoke. I tell him fuck yes. I was a bit nervous that Cheri did not exist and I really needed to smoke to calm some nerves.He lights it up and we continue watching TV and smoking for another 30 minutes or so. It is creeping up on 11 and I start to get antsy, so I ask him if he thinks Cheri is ready yet. He said he will check, and he screams Cheri, are you ready yet!? to which she replies that she almost ready and to hold the fuck on. A sigh of relief. There is a woman here! about 5 more minutes goes by and here comes Cheri, wheeling herself in in a wheelchair. I am high and not expecting this. My jaw drops. She asks if everything is okay and I reply it’s fine, I just didn’t know she was in a wheelchair. She asks if that is a problem, which it wasn’t. She and I start to leave the house when her dad calls to me and tells me I will probably need these, and he tosses me the keys. I ask what this is to and he explains it’s the wheelchair accessible van out front. Okay, well it is way too late for dinner now and Cheri is apologizing for taking so long she just wanted to look perfect for me. I am still in shock at the wheelchair. I had never seen a full picture of her, but I did see her from the waist up. Those tits. It didn’t matter. I drove to Houston for a good time, nothing was going to stop me. She directs me to the club and I tell her that I can’t find my license and that I am sorry but we may not be able to get in. She tells me it is fine that she knows the guy working the door and she will get me in. Sure enough, I can just walk on by no questions asked. Her friend is turning 35, so she rented out the VIP room in the back and had bottles all over the table. It gets crazy pretty quick. I am out there, dancing and having a good time when I see Cheri sitting there with a bottle and a sad look on her face. I walk up and ask her what the problem is and she tells me that I haven’t even asked her to dance. My jaw hits the floor again. I am drunk, high, and wondering how the fuck I am suppose to dance with a girl in a wheelchair. Regardless, I apologize. I mean, she is fucking me tonight, I need to try my hardest not to screw that up. So, I ask her if she wants to dance. An R&B song is on, it is a slow jam and I push her out to the dance floor and twirl her around some. Now she is smiling, and the song changes. She tells me this is her song and to back up. It’s a faster song, so I back up off her and the next thing I know she is popping a wheelie and spinning circles on the dance floor. So, I remember I still have that coke in my pocket and I ask everyone if they want a line. A lay out 5 or 6 lines and Cheri and I both get one along with some of her friends. After a few minutes she tells me to lean in, so I bend down to hear what she has to say and she tells me that coke has her feeling a certain type of way and that we should get out of there. I tell her hell yeah and we tell her friends by. I get her loaded up into the van and off we go. I tell her she has to tell me how to get back to her house because I sucked at remembering directions. So, after 15 minutes of driving or so we get to a dirt road. I tell her I don’t remember this road, but she tells me just a little further and there is a nice park we can park at. I tell her okay, and we pull up to the park. We are making out and things are starting to get heated when she asks me if I want to fuck her. Well, the how had not crossed my mind until now. She points to a tree and tells me that is how. I do not understand, so she goes under her chair and pulls out a contraption. It is a sex swing. She tells me she has done this before and I just needed to climb the tree to tie off the ends. I am horny, young, and drunk. I tell her hold on though, and I do a key bump. I am up that tree in thirty seconds, tying that rope like a fucking boy scout. I put her in the sing and start getting after it. I mean, I am losing my virginity! The best thirty seconds ever. We get loaded back up and headed back to her house, it is 3am or so and all the lights are still on. We go in through the front door and she leaves skid marks as she races off to the restroom. I think God, don’t make it so obvious.. And I walk into the living room, where her dad is still sitting watching the History Channel. He asks me how the night was, and I tell him it was great. He has a really wonderful daughter. He thanks me for taking her out and giving her a chance. Tells me it has always been pretty difficult for her to date. He then asks me if she had told me about the last asshole that she dated, and I told him no that she hadn’t. I asked what happened, and Mike says the guy was a real asshole. That he left her hanging.
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 6ft salami under the other. The Bartender says, So, I don’t suppose you’d be needing a drink? The blonde says, I definitely do, after what just happened to me. The bartender says, I’m so sorry. what happened? The blonde says, well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love when out of nowhere the crazy bastard says ‘ I’m gonna pound my favorite bitch with my giant sausage.’ So I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!
Two blondes Two blondes walking down the hood and one said: -Wait.. I smell sperm… someone is fu*king nearby!!… The other one responded: -Nah, I just belched
The Hypnotist A woman, self conscious about her small breasts, goes to see a plastic surgeon one day. The doctor tells her that he would like to try a different course of treatment and would like to refer her to a hypnotist. I think you could benefit from a non surgical approach , he says, instead of surgery he hypnotizes the body part you need changed! Doubtfully she checks it out. The hypnotist sits her down, puts her in a trance and gives her instructions she’ll remember any time she feels self conscious. After the session she leaves and heads to the store. She’s shopping when she sees an attractive blonde and suddenly she’s compelled to flap her arms and says Mary had a little chest that made her feel so low, but every time she flapped her arms, her tits began to grow. And just like that they increased in size! A man walks up to her after seeing this and asks did you go to see that corrective hypnotist guy? Yes she replied how did you know? Knocking his knees together he chants hickory dickory dock!
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, So . you finish? After a slight pause she replies, No. Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, So . you finish? And again, after a short pause, she simply says No. Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette lights it again, and then asks tiredly, So you finish? She says No. I’m Swedish.
Two blondes are in a restaurant high-fiving each other… A man walks up and asks what they are celebrating so enthusiastically. Proudly they proclaim People like to say that blondes are stupid, but we proved them wrong! We assembled this entire puzzle in only three days, and it says 2-5 years on the box!
Dumb blondes Why does a dumb blonde have a deep bellybutton? They probably have dumb boyfriends too !
A blonde mother is cleaning the dishes when suddenly… Her similarly blonde daughter rushes in. She’s rather excited and is holding a box. Mom! Mom! I finally finished that super hard puzzle I’ve been working on for a year! Her mother is happy, but puzzled. Let me see that! she says as she takes it from her daughters grasp. Her puzzled expression turns into surprise and joy. You really did do it! Even in the time limit! Time limit? asks the daughter. Yeah! Look here. Underneath the Made in China thing, it says 2-5 years on the bottom!
Two priests die and go up to Heaven… .. but when they get there they find there’s a HUGE lineup at the Pearly Gates. Hours and hours go by and they are barely inching closer to their destination. Finally they see St. Peter lean over and stare down the line at someone behind them. He makes a come here gesture and this pretty blonde gal comes mincing out from behind the priests, scoots right to the front and gets right in. The priests are baffled but continue to wait. FINALLY they get to the front of the line. One of them turns to St. Peter and says, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but we’ve served the Lord all our lives. How come that woman got to skip to the front of the line? Oh her, says St. Peter, She owned a little red sports car. Confused, the priest says, What does that have to do with it? St Peter says, She scared the hell out of more people than you two combined.
How do jellyfish live without brains They are blond
A blonde in her early 50’s hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles… She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk. The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and she answers. Excuse me miss, but I had to be certain that you meant 27 gallons of milk and not 2.7 gallons. It just seems like a bit much. She tells him; No, 27 gallons is correct. I heard that milk is a great remedy to remove wrinkles, so I want 27 gallons of it so I can fill up my tub and bath in it. The Milkman thinks about this for a second, but doesn’t argue the fact and says: Well ok, I can do that. Do you want the milk pasteurized? The Blonde says: No, just up to my tits, I’ll splash it on my face.
Best Jokes – Funniest Jokes 50 Jokes Jokes 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Another golf joke Three men are paired with a gorgeous blonde on the golf course. On a par three she hits a beautiful tee shot onto the green, leaving her with a twenty foot putt. Oh my God! I’ve never had a birdie before! she says, I would do anything to make this putt. The first guy says Well then… Hit it hard about a foot left of the hole and you’re good. The second guy says Nah, hit it soft, about four inches right. The girl is still standing there unsure when the third guy chimes in Anything? She replies ANYTHING He eyes the green for a minute, looks at her and says Ah, that’s a gimmee, pick up your ball.
What was Hitler’s favourite beer? Pure blonde
An evil wizard captured a deaf person, a blind person and a blonde and took them to his castle. He told them: if you tell a lie in this castle you will disappear forever. So he asked the blind man what the colour of his robe was. He said I think it’s green . Since it was red, *POOF* he disappeared. He asked the deaf man what type of music was playing. The man said I think it’s classical . It was heavy metal so *POOF* he dissapeared. Then he asked the blonde what 8+6 was. The blonde said I think… *POOF* the blonde disappeared.
I like my women like I like my beer… Blonde, mostly head, 38 degrees fahrenheit, and taken out of the refrigerator when I’m bored. Then I just pound them, one after the other.
Two blondes are walking in a forest.. ..when they come across some tracks. The first blonde suggests they are fox tracks, but her friend thinks they may be bear tracks because of the large size of them, not wanting to be out done by her friend, the first blonde changes her mind and insists that they have to be deer tracks. The two were still arguing when the train hit them.
Pregnancy Test Two blondes are talking with each other . The blonde tells the other blonde that she did a pregnancy test yesterday. Says the other blonde : Damn, were there hard questions ?
We went to the movie the other night….. …. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me. By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier? No!! she said in a loud whisper, The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.
Never mess with blonds Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. You know, he says, I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, What would you like to discuss? Oh, I don’t know, says the guy, smiling. How about nuclear power? OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is? The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, I haven’t the slightest idea. So tell me, says the blonde, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank…. …They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, Now, do you remember what the plan is? The blonde sighed and replied, Yeah, yeah, I remember… The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes! The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. Finally, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and left the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, Stop! Stop! while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, What the hell happened in there?!? The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly! The brunette paused and yelled, YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!
What does Monica Lewinsky and Soda Machine have in common? …They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, Now, do you remember what the plan is? The blonde sighed and replied, Yeah, yeah, I remember… The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes! The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. Finally, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and left the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, Stop! Stop! while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, What the hell happened in there?!? The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly! The brunette paused and yelled, YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!
The Sheriff in a small town walks…. out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks Why in the world are you dressed like this? The Cowboy says Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy…’ And here I am.
A blonde tries to go horseback riding …. ….. even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the mane but can’t seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it’s slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde’s foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Walmart’s Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
I like my coffee like I like my women… hot, blonde, and with extra room for cream. 🙂
A blonde goes on a plane to London and decide to sit in first class seat The flight attendant approaches her and asks her to move back to her seat as these seats are very expensive. She refused to move and said I’m blonde,I’m beautiful and i’ll seat wherever i want . Next comes the co-pilot and she responds the same… After a while the pilot approaches her whisper in her ear and immediately she got up and went back to her seat. The flight attendant and the co-pilot were so surprised and asked the pilot what did you tell her? And he answered I told her,first class doesn’t stop at London
A blind man walks into a bar A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, Hey, wanna hear a blond joke? The man said to the blind man, Look buddy, I’m blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he’s blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke? The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, Nah, I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.
Three blondes come across some tracks… The first blonde examines them and exclaims that they must be deer tracks. The second blonde says that they must be rabbit tracks. The third blonde say the other two are wrong and they are obviously some sort of bird tracks. However, there was no time for them to come to an agreement as they were promptly hit by a train.
Who doesn’t like a blonde joke? A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies .. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blonde guys are stupid too.
Today’s Recommendation A pretty blonde decides to have a facelift for her 40th birthday. She spends $20,000 and feels pretty good about the results as she now looks so much younger and sexier. On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the salesgirl, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 22, is the reply. Hot blonde Nope! I’m exactly 40, the woman replies with a big smile. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, I’d guess about 21. The woman says happily, Nope, I’m 40. I guess I look so much younger, right? Hehe. Now she’s feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, Lady, I’m 68 and my eyesight is not so good. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are. You want to let me try? They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead. The old man immediately slips both his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and gentlely. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently rubs each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other too! After a few more minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 40. Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell? The old man says, Promise you won’t get mad? I promise I won’t. she says. I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.
Blond vs. deodorant A blond goes up to the pharmacist at her local drugstore to complain that the deodorant they sell doesn’t work as expected. The pharmacist asks are you using it as directed to which she replied of course I am, see it says, remove cap and twist up bottom
Two blondes, one driving a convertible and one in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat. The blonde in the convertible pulls over and yells at the one in the boat, It’s girls like you who give girls like us a bad name, and damn it, if I could swim I’d go out there and kick your ass right now
Just another blonde joke My blonde girlfriend had just finished typing up her English paper, when she said, I think there’s something wrong with your printer. I asked, Oh, why’s that? She replied, It’s not printing the red squiggly lines under all the words.
A businessman and a blonde sit next to each other on a plane. The businessman is bored so he asks the blonde to play a game. I ask you a question. If you can’t answer it you give me 5 dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can’t answer I’ll give you 5 dollars . The blonde agrees but hikes up the businessman’s penalty to 500 dollars, complaining that she’s a blonde and thus less mentally capable than the businessman. The businessman asks her the distance between the earth and the moon. She silently reaches into her purse and gives him 5 dollars. She then asks him what goes up a hill on three feet but comes down on four ? The business racks his brains but finally admits defeat. He takes out his wallet and gives the blonde five 100 dollar bills. The blonde stays silent for awhile but the businessman grows restless. Finally he asks her the answer to her question. She silently reaches into her purse and gives him five dollars.
A blonde and her two friends are stuck on an deserted island… Suddenly, a genie appears and grants them each one wish. The first friend wishes to go back home. *POOF* she goes home The second friend wishes the same. *POOF* she goes home. The blonde then says Awww, I wish my friends were here…
Diarrhea runs in your genes. Suddenly, a genie appears and grants them each one wish. The first friend wishes to go back home. *POOF* she goes home The second friend wishes the same. *POOF* she goes home. The blonde then says Awww, I wish my friends were here…
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store. How much for these shoes? she asked the store manager. $200″ he replied. That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down? the blonde. The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! he yelled. Fine. I will. the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!
Modern Blonde Joke A blonde girl is texting her friend, when all the sudden she drops her phone. She picks it up and notices the screen is cracked. She immediately textes her friend saying that she cracked her screen. Her friend responds omg. you’ll have to show me next time! . The blonde girl then has a great idea, so she responds it’s okay! I’ll just send a screen shot! Thanks for reading!
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday? Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn’t hear properly so he asks her Come again? The blonde blushes furiously and says No, it is mayonnaise this time
Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks. The first blonde said man, these steps are killing me! The second one said it’s not the steps that are killing me, it’s these low hand rails!
I love how Xanax spelled backwards is retard The first blonde said man, these steps are killing me! The second one said it’s not the steps that are killing me, it’s these low hand rails!
Three mothers have gathered to talk about their daughters… Three mothers of teenage daughters, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, have gathered together for tea and brunch and to talk about their latest troubles with their progeny. why you won’t believe what I found out about my Suzy the other day, says the brunette mother. When I was cleaning her room I found an empty pack of cigarettes behind her dresser. After all I’ve tried to teach her, I can’t believe that she’s taken up smoking! That’s nothing! says the redhead mother. Why when I was cleaning up my Nancy’s room last night I found 5 empty beer bottles stashed in a trashcan under her desk! I can’t believe she’s already started drinking! Well, says the blonde mother, setting down her wine glass. that’s nothing! Just the other day when I was taking out my Grace’s trash I found a used condom in the bottom! The other mothers shake their heads and murmur their support. I know! says the blonde mother, I can’t believe she has a penis!
A Golden Oldie Blonde joke… A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it’s finished? The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger. Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, Second, I’d want you to relax Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then He sighed, let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
A Blonde Student Responds A science teacher tells his class, Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773. A blonde student responds, Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.
Ouch! A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. Impossible! says the doctor. Show me. The redhea…d took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, You’re not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she said, I’m actually a blonde. I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
A blonde was working at a toy factory A blonde interviewed for a job at a Tickle-me Elmo toy factory. The floor manager knew she had no skill but seeing as she was attractive, he gave her a job. He told her just sit at the end of the line and give each Elmo a couple test tickles to make sure it works. After a few hours, other workers began complaining to the manager that the woman was holding up production, when he went to figure out the problem he saw the blonde sewing two balls between each of the dolls legs. He asked WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!? The blonde replied you told me to give each Elmo a couple testicles!
Donald trump A blonde interviewed for a job at a Tickle-me Elmo toy factory. The floor manager knew she had no skill but seeing as she was attractive, he gave her a job. He told her just sit at the end of the line and give each Elmo a couple test tickles to make sure it works. After a few hours, other workers began complaining to the manager that the woman was holding up production, when he went to figure out the problem he saw the blonde sewing two balls between each of the dolls legs. He asked WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!? The blonde replied you told me to give each Elmo a couple testicles!
Two women meet in heaven… One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven. They older brunette asked: How did you die? You’re so young, it must’ve been tragic. The blonde answered: Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn’t too bad, I just got really cold then it kind of felt like I was falling asleep then I woke up here. What about you? The brunette replied: I had a massive heart attack, it was horrible. You see I was sure my husband had been cheating on me for weeks now. One day after leaving for work I came home after 20 minutes to surprise him and catch him in the act. But when I went inside he was sitting at the couch in his underwear confused. Still sure he had been cheating I started going through the house looking for the other woman. I checked the bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, closets, even the basement. There was no one to be found, but in the process I got so stressed and worked up I felt a massive pain in my chest fell to the floor and ended up here… Shocked the blonde pats her on the shoulder and says: I’m sorry… But if you would have checked the freezer we would both still be alive.
A guy walks into a supermarket And notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken back and doesn’t recognize her and asks. Do you know me? To which she replies I think you are the father of one of my kids. He panics, and thinks of the only time where he was unfaithful to his wife and says, omg! Are the stripper that was at my bachelor party that I put on the pool table while all of all my buddies watched and then you and your friend covered me in whipped cream and licked it all off? The woman looked at him, wide eyed and said, no, I’m your sons math teacher.
