Duck Jokes That Will leave you quaking for more

Two guys are fishing in a lake and the fish just won’t bite. Then they see a duck, so they decide to catch it.

The duck says: Please don’t take me, I’m a golden duck, I will lay an egg for each of you. You just make a wish, crack the egg and it will be granted.

They think for a while and decide: Ok, we’re not even that hungry. So let’s do it.

The duck lays two eggs and they set it free. The two guys split up and head for their homes.

The first guy stands in front of his home and thinks: I’d like to be rich, have a big house, butlers, pool, lots of women…and so on.

He smashes the egg on the ground and then…a big house appears in front of him. He opens the door and his butler greets him, the house looks great, big pool in the backyard, women running around half naked… he lies down on his deck chair, butler gets him a drink… What a great duck! he says.

At that moment his butler interrupts him – Sir, there’s some poor man at the door. He says he knows you sir. .

Goddammit! I’m rich for 5 minutes and suddenly every bum in the town knows me! He comes to the door only to see his fishing pal.

Help me man. Come with me! I’ve fu**ed up badly! says his friend

Can I come later? I was just starting to relax.

No, please come now. You have to see this, it’s a mess!

Ok! Let’s go.

They go over to his house and there’s a million dildos everywhere. His whole house is filled with dildos. They can’t even fit in the house, they’re falling out of the windows.

WTF happened?! What the hell did you wish for?!

Well…I was walking home with the egg and thinking What should I wish for?

I need a million fu**ing things. and then I dropped the egg.

Three buddies die in a car accident and go to heaven. As they reach the pearly gates God says he only has one rule: you can’t step on a duck .

The three guys look at each other and wonder how hard that could be. They all agreed and the gates opened.

The buddies look out and see the whole place is just swarming with ducks. They took some steps in making sure they don’t step on any ducks.

A few days pass when BAM the first guy steps on a duck. God soon appears with the most ugliest women the guy had ever seen. God says Because you stepped on a duck you will now be chained to the ugliest woman in heaven for the rest of your time here.

God snaps his finger and the first guy and woman, chained together, vanish. The other two buddies make a pact to look out for each other to make sure they don’t suffer the same fate.

Years go by and the two buddies have been incredibly careful. They watched wherever they stepped. However, one morning one of the buddies steps out of bed…right onto a duck. BAM,

God appears with the most wretched, horse faced, mole bearing woman the two buddies had ever seen. God snapped his fingers and they both vanished.

Finally, the last buddy who had been careful for years is the only one left. He continues walking around his duck filled palace being incredibly careful. Decades go by and he is still hanging in there when suddenly BAM.

God appears. But, I never stepped on a duck, the young man stammered. God doesn’t say anything, but snaps his fingers.

Soon the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen appeared by his side. God left without ever speaking a word.

The man asked the woman what happened. I don’t know what happened to you, but I stepped on a duck. She replied

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Got any grapes? The bartender replies: I have no grapes, that’s silly. Be on your way duck.

The duck retreats but decides to come back the next day. Got any grapes? The duck asks a second time. The bartender is now somewhat annoyed and replies: Get out of here duck, I don’t have any grapes! If you ask me again I’m going to nail your bill to the bar.

The duck, not one to be disheartened, leaves again but decides to return the following day.

The duck returns to the bar, approaches the bartender, and asks: Got any nails?

The bartender is nearly furious at this point and looks back at the duck, replying: Why the hell don’t you understand that I don’t have any of these things? Go somewhere else duck and leave me alone.

The duck looks right back at the bartender and asks: Got any grapes?

In a small, backwoods town, an old codger is having his morning coffee out on his porch when he spies one of the boys from town walking down the road.

He calls out to the young man. Hey, there, young fella. Whatcha doin’ walking around this neck of the woods this early in the morning?

The young man holds up a roll of duct tape and calls back, I’m going to catch some ducks!

The older man just shakes his head at the foolishness of the young one, as he watches him stroll along into the woods.

A few hours later, however, he shakes his head in wonderment as he sees the young man emerge from the woods, dragging a trail of ducks that have been caught in the tape.

The young man smiles and waves as he walks by.

About a week later, the scene replays itself, except this other morning, the young man is carrying something larger.

The older man calls out again, Hey there, young fella, where are you off to today?

This time, the young man holds up a roll of chicken wire and shouts, I’m gonna catch me some chickens!

Once again, the old codger shakes his head as he watches the younger man stroll into the woods. And, once again, he is shocked to see the kid walk back out of the woods a few hours later, dragging along a trail of chickens that have been caught in the wire.

Another week goes by and once again, the old man is having his coffee on his porch when he sees the younger one walking down the road with a bundle of something carried on his shoulder.

This time, he calls out, Hey, young fella, whatcha got there over your shoulder.

The young man smiles and calls back, These are a bunch of pussy willows!

The old man shouts back, Hold on, let me get my coat!

What’s the difference between Marcus Mariota and Floyd Mayweather?

Best Duck Ever.

So there’s this farmer He has a tendency to drink a bit too much.

One evening he comes into the kitchen where his wife is with a duck under his arm and says

So, this is the pig I’ve been f*cking.

His wife rolls her eyes and says

You dumbass, that’s a duck!

To which he replies

Shut up, I wasn’t talking to you! .

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”.

I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

Are you a size zero?

Would waldo have a hard time finding you?

When you go to the park do the ducks feed YOU pieces of bread?

Then call the anorexia prevention hotline at 555-1701

A woman walks into a bar… and is carrying a duck.

The bartender says, Sorry ma’m, no pigs allowed.

The women responds, This isn’t a pig. It’s a duck.

The bartender says back, Yeah, I know. I wasn’t talking about the duck.

A man is sitting in the waiting room of the hospital while his wife is giving birth. After a while, the doctor comes out and says You have a beautiful baby boy, but we think there may be another one on the way .

So the man sits back down and continues waiting. Some time later, the doctor comes out again and says It’s a girl, but there looks like there’s another one in there , so the man gets another coffee and continues waiting.

This repeats three times over, and the man eventually goes down the street to the bar. Between drinks, he calls the hospital where they confirm more and more babies.

At one point, people in the bar hear a scream of horror before the man collapses on the floor.

Another patron grabs the man’s phone to hear the cricket commentator saying: And the final score is 99 all out. And the last one was a duck

A princess was passing by a small farm and sees the farmer taking care of his animals, she then decide to have a little chat.

Princess: Good morning Mr. Farmer, that’s a cute dog that you have! Mind if I speak with him?

The farmer, a bit confused: Of course, but I’m afraid my dog can’t speak, your Highness.

Princess: Hello little dog, how are you?

Dog: I’m very good your Highness!

The farmer looks extremely shocked Princess: It’s this farmer your owner? How does he treat you?

Dog: Yes, he is, your Highness! He treats me real good. Feeds me great food and take me to hunt ducks with him!

The princess then look to the horse and start talking. Princess: Good morning horse! Are you working hard today?

The horse promptly responds: Indeed I am, your Highness! I always work hard along with the farmer!

The farmer is looking absolutely dumbfounded at this point.

Princess: And he treats you well?

Horse:Yes he does! He feeds me with fresh food and brushes me down very often! He also gave me a nice barn where I feel protected at night!

The princess then turns her eyes to the sheep and friendly says: Hello fluffy sheep! And how you have been treated?

At this moment the farmer starts screaming: THE SHEEP IS A LIAR! THE SHEEP IS A LIAR!

Abner’s father wanted to see Abner’s father wanted to see if Abner was a good salesman.

So he gave Abner a duck with the instruction to, Take this duck to town, sell it and bring back the money .

Abner sets off and on the way to town meets a pretty girl. They talk for a while and she is cajoled into screwing Abner but only if he gives her the duck.

So they screw and when done Abner gives her the duck. As they start to leave she asks if Abner will do it again.

He says, Sure but it will cost you that duck. She agrees and they screw again. As Abner leaves her a car races by and hits the duck killing it.

The driver gets out, apologizes and offers Abner $20 for the duck. Since Abner no longer has the duck he heads homeand upon arrival his dad asks how he did with the duck.

Damn good, says Abner proudly. I got a f*ck for a duck. A duck for a f*ck. And 20 bucks for a f*cked up duck!

A duck walks into a pharmacy grabs a tube of lipstick, puts it on the counter and the cashier says that’ll be $3.50.

The duck says just put it on my bill

What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

One’s a sick duck and, I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore

Son walks up his dad and asks, What does alternative mean? So dad begins to explain: imagine, you have a chicken egg. It gives you two optios: you can cook it and eat, or you can put it into the hatcher and get a little chicken.

So, this is an alternative?

No, not this. So, now you have a chicken, that grows from day to day. It’ll give you another two options: you can sell it or you can bring a cockerel and get more chicken eggs in a while.

Is this what alternative means?

Not yet. Later, as you get more eggs, you can sell ’em for some money or you can keep ’em and in a while get even more chickens and cockerels.

So, that is an alternative?

Be patient, son, ‘coz now you have quite a number of chickens and cockerels and you can sell all of them. Or you can keep part of them to produce more and more eggs and chikens.

Bla-bla-bla, is it finally what alternative means?

Nope. You see, you keep producing and selling eggs and chicken, your farm grows, your income increases, you’re well and happy, until finally one day you find out that there’s some bloody chicken flu and all your chicken business is f*cked up and ruined.

SO IS THAT AN ALTERNATIVE?, cries out his son.

No, son, ducks are an alternative.