Johnny and the Teacher A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?“
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.“
The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?“
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.“
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!“
A duck walked into a general store and asked the clerk if had any corn? The clerk said no and the duck left.
The next day, the same duck walked into the same general store and asked the same clerk if had any corn? The clerk again said no and the duck left.
The next day, the same duck walked into the same general store but before he could ask his question, the same clerk yelled, “Look duck! We don’t have any corn! We won’t have any for awhile! So if you ask me again if I got any corn, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!“
So the duck turned and left.
The next day the same duck walked into the same store and asked the same clerk if he had any nails? The clerk looked but said no they didn’t.
The duck then asked the clerk,”Got any corn?“
A ducking asks her mother “why she is named Rose?”.
Her mother says, “Well, when you were a baby a rose fell on your head, and it was so cute I just had to name you Rose.”
Then one of her siblings comes up to her mother and says, Mommy, “why am I named Tulip?”.
And her mother says “When you were a baby a Tulip fell on your head and it was so cute I had to name you Tulip.”
Then a third duckling came up to its mother and said “haablllaaaab shlooo aaaah”
She says, “Shut up, Brick“
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.
The old farmer Peter replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule’.
The lawyer asked, What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’? The Farmer replied, Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
MORAL: When you are educated, you’ll believe only half of what you hear. When you’re intelligent, you’ll know which half.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm… He walks up to his wife and says, “This is the pig I’ve been fucking!”
His wife says, ” That’s a duck, dummy”.
The man says, “I was talking to the duck!“
Why do ducks nod their head when they walk?
They’re listening to duckstep!
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.“
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there”.
Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks as the truth?”
Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it. Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”
Chester says, Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home and tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is an idiot. I want my money back!“
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f*cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.“
Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break. A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:
“Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?” “Sure you can! It’s really shallow!”
one of the policemen answers
The farmer drives his pickup into the river and his car is quickly picked up by the current and sinks. “Weird”– says one policeman to the other – “that duck had to have really long legs.”
Why do NBA players like poultry?
Because they love to slam duck!
What has two legs but can’t walk?
A dead duck.
There was this poor family, all they had was a duck.The mom told the son to go sell the duck.
While the boy walks into to town, a girl stops him and asks if he would exchange a quickie for the duck.
Well being a boy, he said yes. Well after they were done the girl playing said I will give the duck back for another quickie. Well off they go!
While this is going on, the poor duck crosses the road and gets run over. The girl feeling sorry for him gave him 2 dollars.
When he came home mom asks what did he get for the duck?
“I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and 2 bucks for a f*cked up duck!“
A lovely older couple were dining at a local Chinese restaurant.
Their orders have just been set in front of them. The woman appears to have ordered some sort of noodle dish, and the man has ordered a meal that is presented in a covered pot.
As the man goes to open the pot, the pot lid opens a bit, and something looks out at him and makes a noise.
The man feels his heart medication must be giving him hallucinations, so he attempts to open the pot again. Again as he reaches, the lid opens briefly and he can see a pair of eyes and a hard, flat beak stick out.
Obviously disturbed, the man calls over the waiter and says “Excuse me, waiter. There seems to be a problem with my meal, there is something in there that keeps popping the lid and looking out at me“.
The waiter starts to speak when suddenly, the lid pops up, and a resonating QUACK echos from the pot. The man and woman jumps back, as the waiter chuckles at the situation. The waiter then replies: “Sir, you did order the Peking duck, did you not?“
A duck walks into a drug store, He goes ahead and puts lipstick on the checkout counter.
The cashier asks, “Will this be cash or card?“
The duck says, “neither; just put it on my bill“
You hear some creature making noises in the distance.
“Quick! Quick! Quick, quick, quick!” you hear it exclaim.
What kind of beast is it you hear?
A duck. … with hiccups.
The duck walked into the bathroom and asked the attendant, “Do you have an orange? “
“No, I don’t,” replied the man.
The duck came back the next day and asked again,
“Do you have an orange? “
“No, I don’t,” replied the attendant again, obviously a little annoyed.
For the next 3 days the duck came back to the bathroom and asked, “Do you have an orange? “
While the attendent become more annoyed every time. The attendant finally became so angry that he yelled, “No, I don’t have an orange, and if you ask me again, I’m going to shoot you!! “
The duck left hastily but came back the next day and asked, “Do you have a gun?“.
“No!” The attendant replied.
“Good!, Do you have an orange? “
Three women go to heaven. Upon entering the pearly gates God states,
“You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!”
The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck.
Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen.
God states, “This shall remain for all eternity!“
Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and POOF! another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time.
Finally after decades, POOF! the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen.
She screams in joy to God, “What did I do to be so lucky?!!“
At that moment the man looks over and says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!“
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend,
“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?“
“I sure did“, responded his friend. “He can’t swim.“
So these two ladies die and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit.
A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man.
The angel says “Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man“.
He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity.
A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on the other woman and the handsome man and are sent on their way.
During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she’s interrupted by the man’s muttering, “I shouldn’t have killed that duck .”
A dog is walking through the park one very wet day and meets three ducks.
“He says to them, This is ideal weather for you, raining so heavily“
The first duck says, “Yes, I love this wet weather, in and out of puddles all day.“
The second duck says, “Yes, I love this wet weather, in and out of puddles all day.“
The last duck says, “I fecking hate it. My name’s Puddles!“
Our grandma and grandad came to visit us recently and while we were driving home after a day out, we started talking about their favourite pubs.
Grandad: I like that pub where you drive up towards the city and turn left at ‘the feathers’, then follow the road until you reach it on the righthand side of the road.
Me (thinking there’s no such place as ‘the feathers’): Where’s the feathers?
Grandad: Around the duck’s bottom.
Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business.
Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch!
His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he’s there for almost four hours.
When he wakes up he starts calling for the doctor. The doctor finally comes in and the guy said, “Doc, am I going to O.K.?“
The doctor said, “Well, there was a lot of buckshot damage. I was able to repair most of it, but now I think you need to see my brother.”
The guy said, “Oh, is your brother a doctor, too?“
The doctor said, “No, he’s a flute player, but he can show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye!“
What does a subatomic duck say?
Quark
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole?
Because Donald ducked.
Who says, Bugs, you stole my hearing aids?!
You’re despicable! Deafy Duck
If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you gotta ask yourself, Why the feck is there a duck in my room?
What did did the mother duck say to her duckling?
If you don’t behave, I’m gonna quack you one.
What is a duck’s favorite snack?
Quackers!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, why the long face? The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward.
The horse’s handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it’s knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day.
Jesus walks up to the bar, but it’s closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says Can you put me up for the night? The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender.
After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps.
Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees.
But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar.
The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing sh*t long enough to ask Is this some kind of a joke?
Why does a hobo take fins with him when he goes to the park?
To get to the bread before the ducks do.
Why do ducks fly in a V formation? This is because of aerodynamics.
The duck in front cuts into the air, making a slipstream. The other ducks follow in this broken air stream, making it easier for them to fly.
When the duck in front gets tired, he goes to the back of the line, and a fresh duck takes over.
Do you know why one side of the V formation is longer than the other?
There’s more ducks on that side.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t.
You get down from a duck.
How do you tie two half ducks together?
With ducktape!!
A farmer returning home Through town, laden down with several purchases, a duck, an anvil, a bucket, and two chickens
He encountered an old widow who asked him,” Sir, do you know how to get to 43 Cherry Tree Road?”
“I’m on my way to 42 Cherry Tree Road, so I’ll show you the way, ma’am.”
They continued on towards the edge of town until the farmer started to make a shortcut through a narrow alley.
“Oh no! the woman said, I’m not going down that dark alley with you. You’ll push me up against a wall and ravish me!“
The farmer said, “Lady, I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a duck! How exactly am I supposed to ravage you?“
The old widow replied, “You put the bucket over the duck, put the anvil on top, and I’ll hold a chicken under each arm.“
Hey, do you like Duck Hunt? What are you, a lesbian duck?
The one time I actually wanted to use the word duck in a text… and my phone autocorrects it to f*ck . What the duck.
What type of drugs to ducks use?
Quack cocaine.
A duck walks into a bar… In the dark part of town where the spilled beer on the sidewalk reflect the flickering neon lights that hang above the creaking door he just walked through.
Inside the sound of pool balls clicking and shot glasses slamming drown out the sound of the broken-down jukebox struggling to carry a tune.
He sits in a wobbly seat. “What’ll be this time?” The bartender asked.
“The same as every time“. The duck quackerly sneered.
The bartender served the duck a shot of cheap gin and left the bottle. The duck pulled out a cigarette and struck a match, and ordered a second bottle.
“What’s the problem? You trying to drink yourself to death? ” muttered the bartender
The duck exhaled and quacked, “Maybe I am. Maybe my time is up, maybe it’s time for this miserable old duck to finally fly south for the winter. Look, you keep talking like that people are gonna start thinking you need some help. Like you maybe need to talk to someone.”
“Talk to who? quacked the duck.”
The bartender nervously said “You know…A therap- “
“A QUACK?!” quacked the duck.
“You don’t have to call them that, they’re just trying to help. ” exclaimed the bartender
The duck angrily quacked: “Feck their help. I don’t need nobody’s help. The only thing I need is a little bit of wind and a clear take off. You always think you know best, like how somehow serving people poison gives you some great insight to how to improve their lives. Well feck you! I’m all that I need, and you remember that! But-“
“But what? What do you have to say?” said the bartender
“…Ducks fly together. You son of a bitch.” quacked the duck.
The duck saw his reflection in the bottom of his empty shotglass. He was old, and bitter, and worthless, and all the other things he said he would never be. He looked up and saw the the other patrons, staring back at him with wide-eyes and slightly dropped jaws.
“I’m sorry everybody. I’ve just been so stressed lately, both under and above the water. Drinks are on me.” quacked the duck.
And the duck drank with the patrons and there were smiles to be had. The duck felt so much better he bought the bar another round.
And as he waddled out on the dance floor everything seemed a little brighter, the smell of foul beer and snuffed cigarettes faded from the air and even the jukebox sprang to life as the duck gathered the confidence to approach a swan drinking a martini while the other drunken patrons vied for her attention.
In a drunken swirl of self-confidence and momentum he stumbled up to the swan and whispered in her.
“These bastards is fowl and its duck seazon.” creepily quacked the duck.
The duck grabbed the swan and together they walked out of the bar onto a street that looked a little better – or at least less shitty – and a little bit more worth living for.
They fell into a cab and as it drove away.
The bartender came out shouting You never paid! You never paid! And the duck stuck his head out of the window and shouted back. “Put it on my bill!“
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head
The bartender said, Can I help you?
And the duck said, Yeah, get this guy off my ass.
For more funny duck jokes, check out the other articles in this series
